Episode 11 – Jack of all Blades, Master of None

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty Here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisper, she makes all the sweets She has a corn dog addiction Benton's the slide, she sleeps the same And rice can fire a fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round friends And listen close For the tale's about to start All right, hello everybody and welcome to Spoutmore Mall Brats.

I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always is my friend, playing Fenton Beasley, the slide, Abdulaziz. Hello, everybody. Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers. Hello, everybody. And playing Clover Ivy, Fern the Whisper, Jessica Tai. Hello, everybody. When last we left our heroes, the Cool Treat Kids entered the chocolate factory of the High Spear Mall on the trail of the valuable and extremely aged dark chocolate that lies at the peak of Mount Chocolate. We didn't name it.

We did not. I just realized. Uh-oh. Mount Chocula. Oh, no, we did. It was the Big Rock Candy Mountain. Oh, yes. Oh, at the top of Big Rock Candy Mountain. Jessica, Mount Chocula, very good. Yeah, Mount Chocula was very fun. That's a lesser mountain. Yeah. Part of the same range. Uh-huh. With the help of adventurer Adric Swift, the Cool Treat Kids passed through the dangerous, dangerous chocolate factory. What are some of the dangers we found? Dinosaur's. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Attacked by gummy raptors. Oh, yeah. There was a gummy pterodactyl that picked up the cart. Yeah. No, the goats. Oh, right. The goats that were pulling the cart. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And dropping them in a tree and on top of the mountain and you had to save the goats. A lot of dinosaur stuff. Yeah. It was a real Jurassic Park situation. It was, yeah. There was a horrible pink fog. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, there was a delicious candy fog. Yeah, bubblegum fog. There was the little hobnob. Oh, the hobnob.

The hobnob. The hobnoblin clans. Yeah. That you discovered emerging in your time of need. Rar, rar. Mm-hmm. Also known as Achilles. Oh, yeah. Spoke to his father, chieftain of the hobnoblin clans. Yeah. Allowing you passage through their territories. Achilles. Because there was a prophecy. Yeah. You found yourself at the base of the Big Rock Candy Mountain climbing up its treacherous peaks and recovering the dark chocolate. But then.

Adric Swift was dragged away by one of the candy monsters to fight. And save the goats. Yeah, he left to save the goats. And we pulled all the dark chocolate off the rim of the pipe up there. Yeah. Successfully completing their rim job, the Cool Treat kids returned to their cart with their goats. Just in time for Adric Swift to return and tell the kids to run as Shathane Wick had arrived. Uh-oh.

A whirlwind chase ensued through the remainder of the chocolate factory on your way back to the entrance. Adric Swift and Shathane Wick fighting valiantly in the forest to either side. Mm-hmm. You were able to kind of jump the cart. Yeah. To the other side of the river. Oh, yeah. Because we were going so fast. Yeah. But unfortunately, just as he was about to jump, the injured Borbo, who couldn't quite make it for the cart jump, was captured by Shathane Wick. Yeah. A tense negotiation ensued.

Everybody was pretty high on stress. Mm-hmm. Things were not looking good until the Cool Treat kids devised a deception led by Fenton Beasley, in which they would offer the chocolate over to Shathane Wick in exchange for Borbo. And once he checked the bag containing the chocolate, it in fact contained trans powder. Yeah. And he was trans powdered out. And you all escaped with the chocolate intact. And that is where we find ourselves now. What's the immediate feeling after? What?

After getting the chocolate? After getting the chocolate. I think jubilation. Yeah. A little celebration back in the tunnels? Yes. Like a little bit of fear relief, you know, and come down. Yeah. Yeah. Or having kind of a low-key glow-in-the-dark party. Yeah. Well, hold on. You can't just say offhand a low-key glow-in-the-dark party. What is that? Yeah, at Greg's quarters. Yeah. Greg's got all these fun blobs and goos. He had a bunch of star stickers he hadn't put up yet. Totally.

So while he was gone, he and his dragon. Mushy. Mushy. Puts up all these star stickers up around the ceiling of the tunnel. Mm-hmm. And he puts his goos in different jars. Nice. So that they blob around like lava lamps. Cool. Yeah. Sweet. And then he lights up all his glow-in-the-dark mushrooms and his clear mushrooms. Sweet. That's awesome. Puts out fun pops and punch bowls. Yeah. Did he invite the other kid, Gary? Oh, yeah. It sounds like it's kind of a dance.

It sounds like it's like a little birthday party. This is great. Yeah. Boys on one side, girls on the other. Yeah. The hot meat boys bring a bunch of corn dogs and dips. Nice. And really cool attitudes. Really cool attitude. Even Doris comes along and she kind of flirts with Greg. Oh. Oh, my God. She brought a lot of shitty spaghetti. Yeah. She's like, that's quite the shitty wheelchair. Well, you know, I tried to do this. It's kind of my own design, I suppose. I'm a little handy, you know.

And he's like really adjusting the one t-shirt that he has. Yeah. And then there's, yeah, like Paul said, there's the girls and the boys across. Right. Yeah. Mingling waiting. There's a music bottle. There's a little girl in the corner playing a song that's too slow. People are like, we can't dance now. It'll be a slow dance. I think we're alone now. We're alone now. Doesn't seem to be anyone around. Greg has splurged, spent the bank, broke the bank on a much music video dance party. Okay.

What is that? So does it have like the. Screens everywhere. Oh. So cool. Nice. What is the technology here? I got to know. Is it just like kids behind the screen? Like a guy behind the screen? Yes. Behind the screen dancing. Professional actors. Oh yeah. They're like Lone Tree Hill actors. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And they act out people singing the song. So they act out whatever the song is about. Yeah. They're much music. This is too much music. This is too much music.

And that's why they're like, there's too much music. We need visuals to go with it. Yeah. So they're all dancing behind the screens and acting out like this romance to the, I think we're alone now. Yeah. That's cool. That's so cute. Yeah. So the cool tree kids. Come into this party. They arrive at Greg's alcove thing. And we're kind of spent pretty hard. But unfortunately we're the heroes of the party. Everyone's like, yeah, they expect so much from us. We're like, oh yeah.

You're immediately mobbed by people like patting your backs and shaking your hands and hugging you. Greg, this is amazing. Anything for you kids. You've done an incredible job. We're all so proud of you. Thank you. Thanks, Greg. Thank you, Greg. You couldn't have done it without you. Look, you kids keep me young. You know, you kids are just, you're working so hard to change the world for a better. Oh, Greg. I'm fine. I'm fine. I pass him my goth handkerchief. So used. I'm just so proud of you.

You're all grown into little adults. Then you got a little more time to go. No, I am an adult now. I have experienced trauma. Yes. So let's address that. I do adulterous things. I'm all over the place. You know, the adulterous things. Okay. Fenton took a drama point at the end of the last job. What is the thing that happened to like, what aspect has he taken on? Is that on the sheets here? I think we make it up. Yeah, I think we make it up. There is a list though. Oh, yeah.

So the, uh, so the one that Clover took that we kind of messed with was unstable. Oh, okay. So the options are cold, haunted, obsessed, paranoid, reckless, soft, unstable, or vicious, which we will, of course, mess with for our 80s kids cartoon. Can you read them again? Cold. Okay. Haunted. Obsessed. Yeah. Paranoid. Reckless. These all kind of just describe me now. So what one definitely applies? Reckless, soft, unstable, vicious. Soft. Damn it.

You lose your edge, you become sentimental, passive, or gentle. Oh, no. Unstable. And Clover took unstable, right? Yeah, your emotional state is volatile. You can instantly rage or fall into despair. You're kind of cold, like, no, I'm an animal. Yeah, cold, maybe. What's cold? You're not moved by emotional appeals or social bonds. What's haunted? You're often lost in reverie, reliving past horrors, seeing things. Okay, yeah, that was the one.

That does match, like, his monologuing on the rooftop. Yeah. Yeah. The OCD. Yeah. Yeah, I think he maybe had, like, a bit of drama before, which he kind of, like, settled into, you guys, and stopped monologuing. Yeah. But, like, you look over at Fenton, and he slicked his hair back as far back as it'll grow. Yeah, he dunked his hands in the punch bowl and just, like… I slicked my hair back, and I have, like, a big collar and a cape, and I've got vampire teeth. Oh, no.

And I'm like, I am haunted now. I'm a vampire kid. So now he thinks… He thinks he's a vampire? He flicks the cowl and runs away. He knocks over the punch bowl. I swear, one of those creatures in the chocolate factory was a vampire, and now I'm a vampire. But I think the thing that he… Where, like, Clover became an emo girl, I think the thing that Fenton's gonna do is just be a vampire. Yeah. That's pretty good. You know those kids? Vampires? That just were vampires?

I was a werewolf for a year, yeah. I know what you mean. Hilarious. So he's a vampire. He's gonna be a vampire kid. Okay. He doesn't know how to do the makeup, though, so he looks kind of like a mime. Uh-huh. I mean, this isn't terribly surprising, considering how much time he's already spent dressed as a vampire. I know. And writing about vampires. He's kind of been ramping up to this. Yeah. He's just not coming out of his costume. Yeah.

You know a kid where something bad happens, and then they're just in a dog outfit for two years? That's what's happening. Uh-huh. That's my sister. Only snow white. Oh. For, like, two years, and would lose her absolute mind, refuse to wear anything other. That's awesome. So, yeah. Fenton has taken a point of drama. So whenever we transition to Blades in the Dark, keep in mind that will be a thing that remains.

So, is there anything else at the party we want to take care of, or do we get into downtime activities? I feel like the downtime could be the whole party. Yeah, totally. So then you guys still have, like, downtime things. Okay. First, we have to do… We have to do entanglements. Didn't Clover also take drama? Oh, yeah. I did. You took two points. Yeah, I've got two points now. So what is Clover's new point of drama? Can I… Do I just go further into my unstable drama? You certainly can. Okay.

Because, I mean, mechanically, the real risk here is that once your drama fills out, Clover's done. Right. For good. So I kind of imagined her going into, like, direction of, like, goth. Mm-hmm. Like, metal kid. Yeah. Like, going from just being depressed. She started smoking. Oh! Oh. It's not a bad idea. Because she's almost 13. Yeah. She's picked up smoking. That's where Clover went. She smokes clove cigarettes. Oh! So cool! It stinks so much.

I can't tell if it smells better or worse than real cigarettes. Yeah. Oh, she stole some of Greg's clove cigarettes. Yeah, she'll steal them sometimes. Whoa. And she's been hiding in the tunnels smoking. Whoa. Whoa. That's what she's doing in this party. She's just, like, having a puff. And she's doing it. She's not hiding it anymore. Yeah, she's standing in the corner in the shadows as the glow orb lights flash around her face sort of like, you know, an 80s disco ball. Yeah.

And then you see the smoke. Fenton, like, sees Clover smoking. Yeah. And he pinches Franklin really hard on the upper arm. And he's like, Franklin, do you see this? What are you doing? What are you doing? Nothing. Nothing? So you hate yourself now? I wouldn't say that. I'm just stressed out. Clover, you can't start smoking. Only bad kids smoke. I'm not a bad kid. Why are you smoking? I'm just misunderstood. I want to understand. I guess you would because you're in there with me.

Clover, you're smoking out in the open. Everybody can see you. What? Should I be hiding myself now? No. Should I be ashamed? Wait. Wait. Give me one of those. What? Franklin, no. Well, if you don't want me to smoke, then why are you smoking? I wish I could answer that. She's smoking in, like, a crate. People listen to Kit here. This is Jessica smoking in a way that is like a person who's never picked up a cigarette in her life. Because I haven't.

She's got a flat hand, fully flat hand in front of her face. She's putting a flat hand in front of her face. Why? Is this supposed to look like this? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, actually, it looks like you're smoking, kind of. All right. Yeah. It looks pretty natural. I'm trying my best, you guys. It looks like Jessica was maybe a bad kid, and now she smokes. She knows how to smoke. Never a bad kid. Oh, my God. She just asked a pencil. She's a bad kid. Oh, my God. She's a bad kid.

She's a bad kid. Franklin, I can't do that to you. Oh, you can only do it to you? This is a dangerous path. I know, but I don't know how to come away from that path. I don't know if I can turn back. I'm too far down the path. Don't walk that path alone is all. When you're ready to turn around, we'll be behind you. She hands you the cigarette. I tap dance it out. What? I didn't know that's what you're going to do. That sucks. Those things are fucking expensive.

Do you know how hard I have to work to steal that from Greg? I know how hard you'll work to steal another one. If you really want to do it. Any barrier is a good one. You look over at Fenton and he's crying. You can see streaks in my makeup that he's wearing. Oh, no. He's like, Clover, we're not supposed to be the smoking kids. We're supposed to be the cool tree kids. We made the fudgies. We don't smoke cigarettes. Oh, Fenton, I'm so sorry.

We just rode a roller coaster together and we don't even smoke cigarettes. You're right. You're right. You're right. I got quit. Don't even smoke. I've been trying to quit for years, Fenton. You're right. You're right. It is funny to drive that this is the wedge. She smokes a single cigarette. She's like, I have to quit. Yeah. I can't do this to my family. Put it out. And then tell her not to and cry in her face. Yeah. A clove cigarette. Yeah. But it's pretty realistic.

Fenton, I promise I'm going to work on quitting my habit. It's going to be hard, though. And Fenton's like, Clover, I love you so much. I love you. I love you. I love you, too. I don't want you to drive a cigarette, pal. And now has come the time to roll entanglements. Okay. Fucking amazing. Roll one die, plus one die if the target was high profile. Oh, yeah. Plus one die if the score was loud and chaotic. It was pretty loud. Yeah. So, yeah.

Three die so far and plus one die if there was killing involved, which we've always said is violence, not killing. Yeah. Super violence. Yeah. We set off like a bunch of bombs. Yeah. Fenton kind of blew up Shathane a little bit. I blew Shathane. And we were like on the draw. You blew Shathane. I blew Shathane. We were on the cart that was like. So, you were violent against the cart for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Four die. Highest thing you've ever rolled. Wow. That was easy.

Do I even have four die? Three and four. Three. Three. Three. Okay. So. The crew attracts bad notice or encounters rivals. Oh. Oh. Bad notice makes sense. Yeah. Because we were always kind of an annoyance. Yeah. But now the wine moms are like, what the fuck happened to our dark chocolate? Yeah. So, you are sitting there smoking your club. Well, thinking about it. God, I got to quit smoking. Yeah. Today, I picked the craziest day to quit smoking. I mean. I mean. The day she started.

I mean, a corn dog instead, but I'm thinking about smoking. You're holding it like a cigarette. I am. Yeah. I'm holding the stick like a cigarette. I'm taking bites. Wow. Jessica, you got better at looking like you were smoking when you imagined it was a corn dog. Aren't they that long? Could be. I don't know. I always watched my grandma and she'd smoke like this. Yeah. All four. All four. All four figures out. Well, there you go. Smoking like a grandma.

And you're, you're standing there thinking about what might happen. Might come next and how far you've come when you hear coming down the tunnel. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Shit. Well, hello, kids. And it's Corb Green. It's cops scatter. Nope. Franklin yells. He thinks it's that kind of party. I'm here in an unofficial capacity. Did you come to congratulate us? The exact opposite, in fact. Did you come to imprison us? Okay. Not the exact opposite. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I just came to inform you, dear children, that you have run afire all of a powerful enemy. Who? The Vineyard. Oh, duh. Knows that you were involved. In what? I do not know, because my detectorial abilities have not quite uncovered that current conundrum. What did they say about us? All I know is rippling throughout the mall that some sort of hide vigilante was run afire in some sort of dangerous part of the mall.

Oh, that was Shathane. Uh-oh. And that the vineyard is none too happy about those involved. They hired an elf to kill us. That is a serious accusation, my dear boy. If you would like to go this route, you best be sure what that means. What does it mean? Accusing an organization as powerful as the vineyard of attempted murder. What? Attempted murder, my boy. Well, you surely must understand the danger that comes along with this.

Well, they better understand the danger that comes along with attempting to murder us. And they… Kisses all his knuckles and then kisses them all at once. Well, I just thought that you should know that the wine… Sorry, the vineyard is their official name. You just always call them the wine moms and it's still… Sticking in my brain, so to speak. Pretty good. They are aware of your involvement.

The name Cool Treat Kids came up and the name is spreading across the mall as one of the most notorious and nefarious criminal organizations of a certain hierarchy, of course, in the mall. The upper of the lowest, so to speak. Huh, the upper of the lowest. I mean, it's hard not to feel proud about that. Yeah, I know. I've never not… I've never not… I've never been the lowest of the lowest. That feels pretty good. And we are, after all, adults. Fenton, where did you get that? I'm miming.

How am I going to quit when there's so much temptation around me? So many reminders of my dark past. Pretending to smoke. Yeah. Well, as long as you are aware of the danger that is coming down on your heads. Corb, can you help us? Yes. I'm afraid, children, that you have strayed far from my light. No. Well, all right. What did you have in mind? It is hard for me to turn down the aid of a child that looks as sad as the three of you look. Hmm, thank you.

That's not a compliment, my boy, but tell me what it is that Corb Green could do for you. Could you maybe spread rumors that we're hiding out in a different part of the mall? No. Maybe tell them that we've been hiding out at the petting zoo on the roof with the goats. Oh, my God. The heavy petting zoo? That is what it's called. That's pretty funny. It is called the heavy petting zoo. It's funny that they put it on the roof. And it's, like, abandoned, so it's, like, overgrown wild. Yeah, totally.

It's just a forest on top of the mall, full of goats, mostly. Yeah. Is somebody using one of their downtime activities? I will. I will. We'll call this, um, acquire an asset. Okay. Corb is gonna go out there and temporarily be able to draw attention away from where you truly are hiding. I'll see what I can do. There are still honorable folk amongst mall security, though it becomes more corrupt as the days go by. Your friend Millie, I believe you've had a run-in or two with her. Oh, yeah, we did.

She is still one who seeks justice in the mall. Yeah, she's the one that told us about the speakeasy, about Tina Derger's speakeasy. Indeed. So, Millie and the others, we will do our best to draw attention away from you until things become a little more stable. Thank you. Thank you, Corb. And now I must return to my patrols. I must return to my crusade of justice. Do you want to come into the glow-in-the-dark party? I really shouldn't. Are those fruit roll-ups? They are.

Click, click, click, click, click, as the little, like, beach ball that is Corb Green waddles across the floor. I forgot he was so short. He's a halfling. I am far too busy. How about that fruit by the foot? Same thing. It is amazing because I am but a foot long, so the fruit by the foot is much more impressive to me because it seems like fruit by my whole body. All right, that is one downtime activity of six gone. Should be said, usually you would get paid after a job.

This was a job you pulled for yourselves. No money was coming from this. But we do have this. And Fenton turns and he's got the big rucksack on. Mm-hmm. It's full of the darkest of… Then you know what. …dink chocolates. Mm-hmm. So… I said it out loud. I thought we were going to use cues and codes. So now comes the time to ask, what is your next step here? I think the only person who can fence this that we know that can fence this is Shitty Foods Doris. Oh, interesting. Who is he?

She is here. She is here. We've been keeping her on the outside of this to protect her, but she might be the only person who can get this out of our hands. Yeah. Wasn't there something like that? Like she could take… We could give it to her and she could cut them out and then be a force for good and patronage? Actually, yeah, you're right. We're thinking that we would take this dark chocolate and make it shitty. Oh, right. Yeah.

So she would basically like have a monopoly over the dark chocolate. Yeah. Yeah. She could make a shitty mole. She could make a shitty mole. Yeah. And we could flood the market with this super dark chocolate. Oh, and turd truffles. Yeah. Truffle shaped like turds that taste like turds. And we give them out for free. Yeah. And nobody thinks that it's good or special. We totally just devalue the market. Right. That's what we were going to do. Yeah. So that's what I'm asking.

That's what I mean, I guess. Is that your next score? Yeah. Your next job is selling, is flooding the market. Convincing her to get on board with this. That's going to be easy. Easy. That's something that we'll do during downtime. I think the flooding the market is us like marketing them. All right. Yeah. Like cool treat kidding them all. Yeah. And that's what I mean. So it is, that is your next job you think is okay. Selling this shitty chocolate. Yeah. And we make it give you crazy diarrhea.

Exactly. Yeah. So wait. Oh, we'll talk about this when the actual time for the job comes. But is it that you are selling it as the cool tree kids or you're like secretly behind it? Setting up sales. I think we had the idea because shitty food gives out free shit. Yeah. You just have them give it out for free. It's extremely socialist. Yeah. Yeah. So we'd want to have shitty food be the face of it. I see. Okay. The wine gums, wine moms are selling something similar right now. Aren't they?

I know that they. No. They were going for it. They are going for it because they want to make a new exclusive product. Yeah. And they were going to try and sell this to fund the acquisition. We're going to make something that's as close to that as we can make. Yeah. Yeah. For free. Yeah. And bad. And bad. And bad. To turn the opinion of the mall people away from dark. To chocolate. Yeah. Okay. So that is what we have in mind. So now, yeah.

What is the next, what's the next downtime move that you guys want to do? What are the possible downtime moves? Clear one harm. Indulge your vice to clear three stress. Take a segment on a long-term project clock or gather information. We'll add acquire an asset to that, which is temporarily gaining access to something you don't have. Yeah. I don't have any stress and I don't have any harm. Yeah. Yeah. Neither. That's great. That's great. Because they took drama.

I have a bunch of stress, but I want to keep it. I want to. I want to. Okay. You're trying to get drama too. Yeah. For Frank, it's like, I'm drama. Yeah. I want to smoke. Yeah. These are cool. Finn's a vampire. Clover's smoking. Clover's dark hair. That's so cool. She does like a little Pantene Pro-V hair flip. So sick. Finn's definitely an adult now. That's awesome. Okay. So then, yeah. What? I guess it would be gather info, take a segment, or acquire an asset. Yeah.

I will gather info, I guess. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's cool. What are you trying to gather info on? I'm going to ask Doris if she's heard or come across any recipes that the wine moms are trying to gather up for these truffles and the dark chocolate stuff. Okay. So you go over to Doris and you hear her be like, oh, it's for such a brainy man. You're so burly. I see her squeezing his biceps. Yeah. And he's like, well, you know, I do. I do try. I try and keep my upper body.

You know, you got to keep fit. You got to keep the muscles young and supple. She's like, and boy. Oh, Jesus. And Clover's like, oh, maybe I'm not grown up. This is gross. And he goes, oh, yeah. Hey, Clover. Hey, what's going on? Come over here. Come free me from this. Rescue me from myself. Sorry to interrupt your date or whatever is going on. Oh, not at all. Doris, can I talk to you? Of course. It's not a secret or anything. Greg, you can stay if you want. I know. Or if you don't want.

Actually, I look at Greg pointedly. I'm like, it actually is very secret. So you need to go far away to the other side of the room. Okay. Well, if I have to. Goodbye. And he's gone. Doris, I need your help. What is it, girl? I know that you have access to all the recipes in the food court. How do you know this? Well, sometimes you talk to yourself when you're. You're doing food prep. I hear you listing off ingredients and I put two and two together. Okay. Spaghetti bolognese. Okay.

Say this was true. How can I help you? Have you come across any dark chocolate recipes? They're probably newly added. They could be under secret names. Like Shiraz. Yeah. Shiraz. Chardonnay. Chardonnay or Oki. Oki. After birth. Or Rose. Oh, yes. Now that I think about it, there has been one. What's it called? Pinot Noir. Oh. It's a noir. The light seems to dim in the room. The music quiets. And Greg goes, oh, sorry. Whoops.

And he rolls back and he puts the lights back up and puts the bottle back up. Whoopsies. Pinot Noir, you say? Shh. Shh. Sorry. Shh. Pinot Noir. I need you to make a copy of it. It would be very dangerous. I know. But I believe in you. You're very brave. I will do this for you. And I need you to alter the original recipe and make the copy look real. You know what I mean? Yes. Forgery. Because I make the recipe gross. Gross forgery? Yes. This I can do.

My food has always been shitty, but not gross. Never. Never. Never. And now it's time to stretch. Stretch my gross wings. I believe in you. I know what you, you know what makes food shitty and good. So that means you know the opposite. Making it bad. She nods sagely. And I need you to hold on to the original. We can't let the wine moms have it. Very well. So this is, you're asking for two things here. You're asking for information about the recipe and you're asking for the recipe. Yes.

So that's both your. Yeah. Okay. Gone. Gone. I shake Doris's hand. And she grips it and her bony old lady hands grip you so tight. Ow. Got a firm handshake, Doris. I'm excited. I'm excited too. Time for espionage. It has been long years since I have done espionage. And she reaches into her apron and pulls out a ball of clava. Whoa. You carry that on the reg? Her hairnet folds down into a ball of clava. Into a ball of clava. Yeah. Now, back to the show.

She looks back at the shadows and she runs into the tunnel. She stops. She looks back wistfully at Greg. Aw. And then she runs into the tunnels. Can I ask a question about that? Oh, sure. Yeah. Is Pinot Noir a kind of wine or chocolate? Are you asking Jessica or Clover? I am asking Jessica. Oh, it's a wine. Okay. Yeah. So you found a recipe for a wine? Yeah, but it's, so it's actually for chocolate, but they've listed it under wine. Oh. Okay. We've got three more, three more downtime activities.

Between Franklin and Fenton. Um, are there any downtime activities that will make me a more effective vampire boy? I mean, yeah, I guess technically. We're the king of the vampires. Oh, the study group. Gather information about any vampires in the mall? You can join the study group? No, I go to, I go to the study group. Cause they're like, they were invited to the party too. They're there. Yeah. And they're all on the other side of the room and they're extremely gothic medieval. Are they the?

LARPers? Right? No, the study group is not, they, they're, they are LARPers, but whereas the shadow cloaks are a LARPing adventuring party. Okay. Okay. Yeah. But the study group, technically they cosplay as like gothic, but like gothic, like medieval, like priests. Yeah. High collars. Yeah. Big hats. I like to think of, okay, so the shadow cloaks and then the study group, they're both at the party separate.

And I imagine Fenton like looking between them, like which kind of vampire do I want to be? Yeah. Totally. Like fantasy vampire or gothic vampire. And I look over and the, uh, the study group are like, they've draped their corner of the party in red velvet. Yes. And there's so many candelabras and they're drinking blood, but it's just Kool-Aid. But the study group are vampires. Yeah, I know, but they look so vampiric. Yeah, totally. And then Fenton descends on them.

He feels like he can learn more from the study group. He's also really smart. They have a library. Which is very vampire-y. Yeah. So, and by descend on them, he crawls into the vent up and then over to their part and then he falls out. Uh-huh. Just through the vent. And, uh, a member of the study group, the cardinal. Yeah. Oh. Wearing the red robes of a priest of a religion you are unfamiliar with. Sits with his chalice. He is probably 14 years old. Whoa.

He's doing that thing where it's like one leg. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Drinking out of a golden colored fake skull. Why art thou come before me? My lord, I have found myself imbued with a dark energy known as drama. And that dark energy has caused my aspect to change, to be afraid of the sun, and to stalk the tunnels at night in search of blood and other stuff. I do not know much about my new powers, but I do know that I am a vampire.

I have trucked long and aught with the creatures of the night known as vampire. Can you give me information about them? I can. You are doomed to the darkness. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. And the blood in your veins runs cold. So sick. And so you must draw that warmth from the veins of still living creatures. Awesome. There are many creatures in the mall that call themselves vampire. Like who? Is this a gather information, I guess? Yeah. For one, there are the members of the blood boys. Oh my god.

There are blood boys in the mall? I mean, so what, like, this is for us. The blood boys are definitely kids that pretend to be vampires. And of course, there are the members of the sanguine cult. Wow. And the kids around the cardinal are like, uh, uh, uh. And they like lean forward and they're like, hey, uh, Jeremy. Jeremy. The sanguine court are like actual vampires. Like, don't, you shouldn't tell this kid about the sanguine court. Tell me about the sanguine court, Jeremy. The sanguine court.

Aw. And they're like, Jeremy, I really don't think you should do this. Tell me about the sanguine court, Jeremy. Do you really ought to know? And then Fenton like scoops his hand in the chalice. He pulls it away. Get out of my chalice. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts.

He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He puts. He goes, it's like red velvet cake mix. And he's like, it's so good. And then he feels his stomach go. The Sanguine Court are a coven of vampires that live in the rafters above the Caprice Theater. That is where I must go. No, don't. No, don't go there. That is where I must go. Do not. To be among my kind. To be an adult who's also a vampire who sucks blood.

Jeremy, this is what we were afraid of, man. You told him where the vampires are, and now he's going to go to the vampires. Dude, that's actually where they are. Yeah, that's like real vampires. And then Fenton takes one of the clove cigarettes that he stole from Clover, and he lights it. Yeah. He takes a huge puff, and he blows it in Jeremy's face, and then he tries to disappear in the smoke. And I think. He's coughing so hard. Yeah, it kind of works because all the kids are like.

Grounds in my eyes. So that is what you learn. There is a genuine coven of vampires that lives above the Caprice Theater. Awesome. Known as the Sanguine Court. So cool. Pretty cool. Oh, God. What's up, everybody? It's your boy, Borbo Borbom Borblo, and I'm trying to go on tour with my band B4, the Burly Beach Bod Bros, and we've got some sponsors that we need to play to raise tour funds. Check them out. Do you have kids? Do you need to get away from them sometimes?

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Yeah, you can leave. Okay, great. Bye. Okay, bye. We're going on tour! And you have one more, and Fenton has one more, and Franklin has one more. Okay, do you want to go? I was going to see if Bill Hook could go get some information from the wine moms and get them all riled up, so to speak. Who's Bill Hook again? He's my contact. He was like my foster dad for a while. He's also a counselor. Counselor. He's a bootlegger. He's a bootlegger. Yeah. He kind of does dentistry.

Yeah, I think he does everything. He makes… Anything you need, Bill Hook can do. Yes. He does haircuts. Yeah. He can mend your clothes. If you want weird pets, he can bring them into the mall. Oh, yeah. He's got weird pets out the ass. Yeah. Literally. I have a snake in my ass. You want to tapeworm? So, yeah, what information are you looking for? What's a gap in the knowledge here that we're trying to fill? I feel like our plan is loose.

Well, we don't have to figure out the plan until next time. Yeah. No, yeah, I guess not. Do you have a project clock or anything? Yeah, I'm building a bigger gang army. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. You're trying to, like, get more kids to join the gang. This is a perfect opportunity. This is a perfect opportunity. Yeah, party. Yeah, this is it. Yeah. So, I'll just make a badass party happen. Maybe I'll throw off some sick dance moves.

What's going to get teens on your side better than being really good at dancing? That's a great question, and I can't possibly give you a better answer than dance moves. I also want to go around the thing and give out Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Teens love Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Yeah, like, don't tell adults that we've got these. Of course, they're called Cheezos. Cheezos. These are going to blow your butts off. You light them in a candle first.

Yeah, and then you blow them out, or do you eat them with the fire? Yeah, you blow them out. The intense kids eat them with the fire. Whoa. That's so sick. What? What? Abdul's genuinely so taken with lighting a Cheeto on fire. That's 100%. Dancing? Yeah. That's 100% what, like, kids that are trained, trying to be bad would do. Yeah. They're like, you take a Cheeto, you light it on fire, you eat it when it's still on fire, if you're hardcore, and then it gets you super fucked up. It burns you.

Oh, my God. Also, Franklin found a bottle of beer. Oh. A real bottle of beer. Holy shit. And everybody's taking a sip from the bottle. Well, yeah, maybe. It's one that Borba opened and forgot to drink the other night. So flat. He was out drinking. Yeah. He got home like, hey, one more night, yep, put me down. And then passed out on the couch beside a flat, open beer. Warm as the fucking day is long. Yeah, exactly. No bubbles. Franklin thought you needed it warm.

He's been putting it by the heater all night. God. So it's hot now. This is freezing cold. Ugh. I mean, everything I eat, I want to eat hot, so I'm heating this up. So he makes a dance circle and, like, makes sure that none of the adults are around and then being like, hey, guys, I don't know if anybody's into this, if anybody's game, but I got this beer. And, like, and all the kids, like, eyes widen and they're all looking at each other. You hear a collective gasp.

And then Mindy Cart steps forward. I'll drink a beer. Whoa. Awesome. Um. Do you want to, do you want to share some of it? Do you want to share some of it? Do you want, I want a beer, too. Yeah, I want a beer, too. And Tony Bologna steps forward and goes, I want a beer, too. Shut up, Tony. Pepperoni Tony. Wait, no, what it was. Tony Bologna and Tony Pepperoni? Oh, it was Tony Bologna and Pepperoni Tony. Two of them were named Tony and then one of them was something else. Uh, who is this?

This is the cold cut trio. Oh. The three hot meat boys that hang out with you guys sometimes. Right, Gabagool or something? Right, yeah. Anyways, the Gabagool's. All three of the, the cold cut trio step forward and they're like, we also want beers. Whoa. Okay, well, we only have one beer. Okay, so we all take a sip of the beer. That's what. Stop saying beers. Okay, then we all take a sip of the beer. That's one beer five ways. That's plenty to get five kids wasted.

And then the Hoverstone twins come in and they're like, we heard that there was beers. We also want a beer. Ah, shit, we only have one beer. There's not enough for all of us to get wasted. All the kids are clamoring for a beer. Beer, we all want beer. Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. Greg's like, that's probably what it looks like. You know what? I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to think of Doris's sweet cans. He says this to Corb Green.

Corb is eating a fruit by the foot, nodding like, right on, brother. This is the most adult party we've ever been to. The cigarette smoking, the beer, boobs. Because the only like reasonable chaperone left to do espionage. So, Franklin says, okay, there's only one way to settle who gets to drink this beer. Dance contest. Oh, oh shit. Awesome.

Hits a play button on a bottle and then he flips, he pulls out a cassette tape out of his torn off jean jacket with a tux underneath and then slams it in a boom box. Uh-huh. Closes it. What's that in music bottle terms? I want to hear you justify this. Oh, it's a two giant, like four liter water jugs. Yeah. Sick. With, um, a little arm that goes up to a lever with a forward pause, eject, stop. That are all things that control one single cork that go in and out of it at different speeds. Cool.

So you hit play and then it just pops the lids. Both of them same time so you get synchronized music stereo. This is like early stereo. Beautiful. Love it. Pops it up. And the music starts. I like the idea that there, there is like a little flask that's almost shaped like a cassette tape that you jam in, to it. Oh yeah. And it is connected to the two jugs. Oh, he's slamming it upside down. Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys remember Chubby's? Yeah. Yeah.

Chubby's like the little fat pop bottles and you slam one of those on top and it goes into the jugs. And then, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, And who starts? Does Franklin go first to set the tone for the dance battle? No, he puts his hand out for, and points at Mindy. Whoa, and she goes, me? Who else? She grabs your hand. Boom, we go into it. Yeah, strutting, doing like cool, like intertwining. Oh yeah.

It's almost like you practiced because you guys were practicing for a dance competition. The crowd's kind of giving you guys a lot more space. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, doing a robot on top of a worm. Oh my God, He's starting to do a robot. It's just a dance move, everybody. It's just a dance move. He looks like a robot. Fenton. Fenton says that. And Greg goes, don't worry, boy. He's just doing a dance. A sick dance. And then the cold cut trio all spin each other into the circle.

And they start doing a three-man robot. Oh, no. They rehearse for sure. Oh, definitely. It looks so sharp. It looks so great. There's a thing where two of them crouch down, providing steady legs as a platform. And the third jumps up on top and does a cool move. They're Voltroning. Oh, my god. It's a pyramid of robots. Just another dance move. And he tries to do a flip. And he overshoots it. And he lands right on his face. And all the kids are like, oh, fuck. Oh, no.

And then the two cold cut trios drag Pepperoni Tony out of the circle. And Clover steps in. Yeah. And she throws off a hat that she's wearing. Go, Clover. It's just a toque. She was trying a hat for part of the movie. Yeah, totally. And she does the dance that Wednesday Addams does. Yeah, totally. From the hit TV show Wednesday. Yes. Yeah. And everyone is enraptured by this absolutely baffling dance that's kind of scary sometimes because she's just staring at people.

But then everybody's like, uh, yeah. Hell, yeah. That was. That showed pizzazz. Yeah. As she finishes, she pulls out another cig. Lights it. Puff. And that. And disappears. And disappears. The smoke clears and she's gone. And all the kids were like, that was actually sick. The dance was not cool. But the fact that she started smoking in the middle of the circle and then disappeared. And then who finishes? What is, does Fenton dance? Oh, uh. He gets too shy. I was not going to.

I was like, I'm not very coordinated. I'm not good at dancing. I don't think I've ever danced. Did you see what I just did? What if you had a partner? Penny. She's dressed like a cactus. She holds her hand out. I take her hand. And she walks you into the circle. Yeah. How you get poked by the costume. There's a lot. You put more thorns on it. It's anatomically accurate. And then she gets the name. She gets the name. She gets the name. She gets the name. She gets the name. She gets the name.

She gets the name. She gets the name. She gets the name. She gets the name. She gets the name. Yeah. What does that mean? It's so confusing. And she walks you into the circle. And she takes the lead. She spins me in. And then her dance is just holding you by the shoulders and spinning in a circle. Moving hips. Moving hips. Like when a baby dances before it knows how to. It just shakes its butt back and forth. Yeah. Yeah. She's doing that. I do that. I do that too. And it goes on.

You guys do this for like two and a half minutes. We do it for way too long. We go way longer than all the other kids in there because we are so young. We have no frame of reference for what's normal or appropriate. You guys do like a few songs. Yeah. And eventually the dance competition moves away from Penny and Fenton. And we're just slow dancing with each other. And… Oh, who goes next? Either who goes next or who's the winner. Oh. Bye. The crowd decided. By applause-o-meter. Oh, yeah.

Greg rolls up and he's like, all right, we're going to do this according to the ancient laws. I'm going to put my arms like this. And when you clap, the applause-o-meter will determine who wins. Just like we did in the army. Under Colonel Ricky Lake. So let's hear it for the Cold Cut Trio. Oh. Some pity. Some pity claps there. Yeah. Someone says, the flip was cool. You did more than one flip. That's a good flip. That's actually cooler than less than one flip.

And you hear a guy on the couch coat. Thanks. And let's hear it for Clover Ivy Fern. Yeah. Clover. Oh, Clover. Some people are like scared of her. Yeah. Totally. And let's hear it for Mindy and Franklin. Oh. It's broken. You broke the applause. It's a applause-o-meter. That means that Franklin and Mindy win the beer. Why did I let this happen? Beer? When is there a beer? Worst chaperone possible. Just let me at least turn around before you drink the beer so I don't feel too bad about it.

And Franklin takes the beer and goes to Mindy like, here, have a sip. Does she take a sip? She does. She takes a little sip. Okay, I sipped the beer. Wow. Everyone's like, yeah! Minnie's drunk! She's drunk! Here you go. Now you sip the beer. Franklin takes a little sip of the beer. It's awful, dude. It's so bad. But he's like, awesome. Oh, Franklin's drunk! And he says, here, hold this. And then he does a backflip all the way across the room. Backflip, backflip, backflip.

And with every backflip rotation, he kicks the shelf above it where Greg keeps all of his cups. And every time he does a backflip, he kicks a cup off of it and catches it and then does another backflip. And he comes up with fists full of mugs and then fills it up with the beer and hands it all to different gangs. It was just the smallest little backwashy, barest drop of beer. And everybody's like, oh no. And then everyone's like, we're all hammered. We're all drunk. We're all so drunk. Fucking.

Just waiting. And Fancy's still dancing with Penny. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very nice. And as the beers have been ceremonially sipped, the cold cut trio and like a couple members of the Shadow Cloaks and the Hubberstone Twins approach. One of the Hubberstone Twins. One of the Hubberstone Twins. We can't remember their names. And honestly, I think at this point, I don't think anybody knows their names. Yeah. We can never tell which one is which. So we just call them the Hubberstone Twins. Yeah.

One time when Franklin was near their house when their parents called them for dinner and they said, the Hubberstone Twins dinner's ready. What the fuck? The parents don't know. And Pepperoni Tony walks up, his hand clutching his probably broken nose. Hey, boss, that was pretty fucking cool what you did there. I just want you to know that when the time comes that you and the Cooltree kids are going to take it to another level, we would all be proud. We would all be proud to follow you. Wow.

So just, you know, put out the call and we'll be there. And there's a bunch of kids who have a bunch of unsipped beers in their cups that they're trying to hide. And they're like, yeah, totally. Same here. Thanks, guys. What's the call? Just guys. Hey, something like that. Dude, that works. So I'm taking that as checking your project clock? Yeah. Yay. How many more checks do you have? One more. Oh, that's going to be perfect for just after the last score.

That's going to put you guys into Blades in the Dark proper. Cool. With a real gang. Yeah. Okay. Fenton has one more. You're slow dancing with Penny. Didn't I go, Penny, I don't think it's safe for you to hang out with me anymore. What do you mean? I mean, me and Clover and Franklin, we did something that. We did something that I think is going to really mess with your mom's whole shit. Oh. And I think she'd be really pissed off if she found out that you're with me. Oh.

So we can't hang out anymore? And then Fenton becomes overly dramatic. And he like, he takes the cloak that he's wearing and he puts it in front of his face. And he's like, it's not safe for you. Don't be with me anymore. I'm a killer, Penny. I'm a killer. This is the skin of a killer. He touches the mind makeup. There's like, there's glittery stuff in the mind makeup. Yeah. What's that?

What is that scene where she, he's like, I've turned into something terrible and deadly and you cannot be with me. Why do you? I think I know what it is. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. Say it, Penny. Say it, Penny. Out loud. Out loud. Fenton. Yeah. I'm comfortable cutting that scene there. But we know what has been established. Yeah. Fenton's a vampire. He's too dangerous to be around Penny. Yeah.

But also like, he can't. He can't keep seeing her because she's a liability. Yeah. And Penny hobbles away in her cactus costume to the tunnel and she looks back. Well, she has to turn fully around in her cactus costume to look at you. Her arms are sticking out straight. And Fenton, like, in his heart, he wishes he could go over and hug her, but also he doesn't want to because that costume is really sharp.

And she turns, she waddles back around in a circle and then waddles down the tunnel out of sight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then Fenton goes, and every now and then I fall apart. I need you now. Tonight. More than ever. And you do have one more downtime activity. I do. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. What are the options? Gather information. Take a segment. Indulge your vice. Acquire an asset. Oh.

So he does, before Penny's completely out of sight, Fenton does stop her. Yeah. And he's like, Penny. Yeah? This is a lot to ask, but there might come a time when your mom is going to do something really bad to us. And if you could tell us before it happens, you would be saving our lives. Okay. Okay. I think she gets it. Okay. Bye. Bye. Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle. Stuck at doorway. Stuck at doorway. Cramp, cramp. Sideways go through. Yeah. Gone. Okay. All right. Yeah.

To have an asset. Penny's my asset. Yeah. Sweet. She's going to let you, she's going to give you advanced warning of a threat of some kind from the vineyard. Yeah. If they, when they kind of pull the trigger or whatever the fuck they're going to do, she's going to let us know. Yeah. I like it. Okay. And the party continues on. Oh man. Some of these kids are pretending to be so drunk. The end time said question mark, question mark, question mark.

So this thing could go all the way to nine 30 baby. How does it kind of wrap up? What does it look like at the end of the party? Slow dancing. Definitely slow dancing. Oh. Bubbles. So Franklin and Mindy, I assume slow dancing to of course the classic dance, slow dancing song. Forever young. I want to be forever young. This is Borbo. He came back. Do you really want to live forever? He's just we are the Cardinal. Oh yeah. The Cardinals. It's not even Borbo didn't come back.

The Cardinal has taken over the music bottle. He, but the Cardinal is singing and Borbo is playing on keyboard organ from the pipes forever. Young. I want to be forever young because of my curse with the blood. Do you really want to be a vampire? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and that song is pretty much about a vampire. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Clover. I assume. Is she dancing? I assume alone. Is Seamus here? Oh, I get no, I don't think he is. Yeah. I walk. I'm looking for Seamus. I don't see him.

It's weird. Yeah. He's not here. Be here. I walk over to Fenton. Fenton is like laying face down on the couch. Shaking. Whoa. As if he's crying. I put my hand on Fenton's shoulder. Hey, buddy. Yeah. Do you want to dance? Not really. Okay. Can I sit with you? Okay. I sit down on the floor next to Fenton. And then Fenton's like, I have to break up with Penny. Because she was a liability. I know. You made the right choice, though. Maybe when you're older, you two will reconnect.

When all this wine mom stuff is over. Okay. And you watch the dancing teens in front of you. And Fenton's like, I will dance. Are you sure? Yeah, I'll dance. I don't know. I don't know how to do it. I don't really know how to dance either. We'll figure it out. Franklin comes up, puts both his hands out. May I? We take his hands. And he spins you into the middle of the dance floor. Whoa. Then the four of us dance with Mindy. Yeah. Beautiful. So it's a four-way slow dance?

Yeah, so we're all holding hands. And then we all realize 10 seconds into this, this is a very awkward thing for four friends. And we're like, I want to be forever young. Franklin's like, I love you guys. Shit, he's drunk. He thinks he's drunk. He's one sip of beer. And the music carries on and the camera pulls up. And then the next morning, detritus everywhere. Kids pass out. Cups, plastic cups. Greg is sleeping in his chair. Dick drawn on his forehead. Yeah. Mushy sleeping across his nose.

And Clover, you're leaning against one of the walls covered in tubes, sleeping. And you are awoken by a shoo-clunk. Who's there? What happened? You slowly cram your eyes open. Yeah. Peel those lids back and see a rolled up piece of paper in the tube with the words printed on the bottom edge, Pinot Noir. Doris, you did it. Yeah. And that's where we're going to end it. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, playing Fenton Beasley, the slide of dual disease.

So long, everybody. Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers. Take care. And playing Clover Ivy from The Whisper, Jessica Tai. Bye, friends. Thank you to susporter, super fan, and friend of the show, Samuel Quinn Morris, for our incredible intro and outro music. An amazing gift bestowed upon us by an incredible talent. Thank you to all of you, our susporters around the world, for susporting the show. This would not be possible. Without you. And we love you for it every day.

Thank you so much for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of the Cool Treat Kids. Always up to no good.

So tiny and greedy And angsty they be As they navigate crime and puberty And though our journey may be like a conclusion We will not leave you without a reason We will not leave you without a reason Without a resolution Without a resolution Return next week To the chocolate store As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score And for you I'll gladly spout ma.