Episode 14 – All Good Blades Must Come To An End

Gather round, friends, let me tell you a tale Of three scoundrels, grabby and small A hippie, a dancer, and a sweet-talker Who live in Highspear Mall You see them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty Here I sit, singing to you Of crimes involving pastry Clover's the whisker, she makes all the sweets She has, and all the direction Denton's the slob, he speaks to say He writes good pirate fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, he's by his strength Despite his stance, he's on Best and brightest, they may not be But that's not who we're in for So gather round, friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Fenton Beasley, The Slide, Abdulaziz Franklin Stein, The Cutter, Paul Oppers Clover Ivy Fern, The Whisperer, Jessica Tai When last we left our heroes, the Cool Treat Kids They engaged in Part 2 of their ongoing quest To A.

Create Pinot Noir And B. Undercut the Vineyard Part 2 involved the collection of delicious and powerful heavy cream Yeah, addictive, clearly addictive Clearly addictive heavy cream to all of these nutrition-deficient children Part 2, the dankening?

Yeah, Part 2, the dankening I think all of us got addicted to it except for Clover I think she was the only one that didn't drink it Well, she's the one that has to make the chocolate, so she knows how much you need Yeah, but I also have self-control on, like, all the boys and stuff Apparently, yeah But the chocolate's addicted to you, it sounds like That's true, I think I just have a different addiction That's true And you drew boobs for us, so it's been kind of a wild kind of, like, ride The job mostly involved creating a terrain bike convoy with new allies, the Wild Nogs And their new leader, L.A.

& Tim, who's made quite the impact on Fenton It's just the kind of crush where it's, like You're, like, kind of more fascinated by them?

I'm so obsessed with this kid, he seems, like, perfect So athletic, so good at stuff So tall A BMXing Jason Yeah, he's crazy, he's so cool The convoy got off to a rocky start with an old person tea festival On the very other side of the doors that you exited from You were able to navigate the sea of white and silver hairs Through a variety of bullying, coercion, and yelling And eggs You made that through that to Burrito Canyon In the Yesterland Amusement Park Where you were set upon by the Barbecue Kings Who had decided upon a kind of cowboy theme Yeah For their limited time ambush Not LARPing, what's the, buffing There's, like, Civil War buff They were doing a reenactment of something In the Western world Creative reenactors Yeah, there was, like, a meeting beforehand where they're, like Alright, our wives want us to, like, find and catch these little kids What is the theme?

What's the theme? And it's, like, Western books that they read as kids or something?

Yeah, totally So it was a lot of, like, yee-haw, dag-nam-it, get'em boys Yeah That kind of shit A lot of them practicing with whips before they carry on He was like, well, I got these here chaps Freshly flamed, just got them back from the shop From the flamery You were able to navigate the Burrito Canyon ambush The ambush at Burrito Canyon Which is the name of the paperback novel they based the ambush off Yeah, that they wrote, the fanfiction that they wrote about themselves Yeah, totally Using some of Franklin's bubblegum nets And then also Clover taking a little nibble of the darkest chocolate Or no, resisting a nibble of the darkest chocolate Yeah, I resisted a nibble But still tapping into the whispers that she's been hearing Using this information to navigate the falling AC units In a cloud of delicious brisket smoke Escaping Burrito Canyon And the next zone was a brand new area of the mall we've never seen before Skid Row It's Theater District Yeah, the old-timey Victorian-style theater district Containing many, many Reenactors?

Yeah, like paid actors To be like, welcome!

It had a colonial Williamsburg vibe But for Jack the Ripper era London Yeah, exactly You dodged around the on-the-hour, every-hour reenactor crush The Rush Hour Yeah And then barely made it past Baron Kellogg One of the vampires of the Sanguine Court A hunched, crooked, gross little man Yeah, real vampire Fenton seeing, for the first time, a true vampire Yeah And you made it through To the Wild Nogs Creamery Where the cream was stored And we saw production begin On the turd chocolates Yeah The Pinot Noir turd chocolate The finest of the fine The little turdlets, I think is what we're going to call them Little turdlets And while mixing the dark chocolate Clover continued to hear the whispers Beckoning her to increase the strength of the dark chocolate per batch In exchange for some sort of great power An offer that she accepted Cool And that is where we find our heroes now Where do we see the Cool Tree Kids?

When we enter the scene, what's going on? All the chocolate's been made, it's been packaged up And we have to figure out how we're going to distribute, sell it, and market it Are we selling it even? No, Doris is giving it away for free But we got a peak interest And we have to spread a bunch of information about these chocolates I have an idea for how we could market it We could take out an ad in one of the plays Blake, you know how the plays have ads in between them?

We could take out an ad and be like Hey, we made a kind of chocolate called Little Turdlets After the show?

It'd be like, if you want to try it, we'll be out in the lobby after the show Giving it out for free, because it's free, because it's completely valueless And it's made with dark chocolate, the worst kind of chocolate The only benefit is antioxidants Yeah It's crazy, the more money you pay for it, the grosser it tastes And if we do this at a play that is going to be a lot of high flyers in the food court You have that connection to the chocolate now Where you'll be able to read people's minds or whatever?

Yes, holy shit We could take them down this way Yeah, especially if there's all wine moms in this play Like if it was Fifty Shades of Grey Oh yes! So the vineyard are at the play or in the play?

They're at it If we're flipping through the pamphlet and we see the most wine mom-ish kind of show We're going to buy an ad for that Or we write a play that the wine moms want us to perform at their vineyard So now this episode is us producing a show I do like that, we're the producers of that So are you guys writing a play or are you going to a play? Yeah, either we would write a play that features product placement, the little turdlets The Forty Shades of Chocolate Forty Shades of…

Forty Shades of Brown? Yeah, Forty Shades of Chocolate That's not about poop Your chocolate's called Little Turdlets, alright? Sean, we all curled our eyebrows at Sean Curl up! So either we write a play where product placement is in it Forty Shades of Brown, chocolate Eat, Pray, Love What if it's like an Eat, Pray, Love sort of thing?

It could definitely be the kind of thing where you guys are looking at events in the mall Or the newsletter and you're like, this would be the perfect opportunity to give out our chocolate And put it in the wine mom's faces That we have distributed this thing that is going to ruin their deal Maybe it's a play that Penny is in Like we have a Penny connection, we can buy it Like there's something that all the daughters or the sons at the school play All the moms are going to be there We want to sneak this chocolate to them Recording it on music bottles Oh yeah, all the moms have got the music bottles out in the aisles On their shoulders It's like a musical play, so it's a lot of like dancing and they want it Right And singing It's a musical version of Sex and the City No, the kids can't do that It's a musical version of, what do moms like?

Eat, Pray, Love Young and the Restless Young and the Running Gables Traveling Pants Green Tomatoes The Fake Orgasm movie When Harry Met Sally That would be so funny if it was a musical version of When Harry Met Sally And there's like scenes in it that they're like This is not okay for kids to be doing Pretty Woman Oh yes, also so inappropriate Yeah, but because it's a kids play They rewrote what the Pretty Woman is To be like It's not, she's not a prostitute No, she's a She just works on the street Yeah, she's like a hairdresser She's a performer Yeah That's why it's a musical Yeah, I see She juggles on a unicycle for men Yeah A billionaire hires her to be his personal performer Performer Like a court jester It's so thinly veiled It's really fun So she goes and lives in his castle and he's his court jester Yeah, she has balls and she juggles So she does BJ's all the time Ball juggling Yeah Yeah, she's ball juggling This is normal Alright, yeah this works So this is the play we're advertising at So we have to convince, I guess Penny or the drama teacher at the school To let us do an ad in the middle of this play Yeah, I think getting Penny to do it would be really funny Yeah, and Penny's the Pretty Woman Yeah, this play is called Very Pretty Woman Because that's how we originally introduced Penny as an actress Also, Penny, she's a rich kid so they give her preferential treatment Well, she's just so like, yeah But then I also love on stage, she's like, oh my god She's actually a pretty good actress Really good actress, very well spoken If someone's just telling her exactly what to do, she's so on top of it I like that it's called Very Pretty Woman Okay, so your plan is convince whoever is in charge to do an ad for Little Turdlets In the middle of the play And then at the end of the play, distribute the turdlets After the play, they've got like an after show sort of like A reception Yeah, a reception, like appetizer hours Like a cocktail hour And because Penny goes to a really nice school, the theater that they're putting her on is at the Caprice Theater Yeah Yeah, it's like a real theater because the school's really nice They made it look kind of like downtown New York So they have like a bunch of poor people in the lobby for when the play's over Totally Oh, so like when we're handing out the turdlets, we can advertise and say like If you like these, you can find more of them at Shitty Food Yeah, totally For free Yeah, never pay for anything like this Yeah, this is totally worthless Yeah This is so bitter Fucking sucks Disgusting Also, these ones are delicious It's a good plan Is it?

It's a fine plan It's a cool treat kids plan for sure Yeah It's complicated Yeah, take out an ad in the middle of a play And then question mark, question mark Do you think, let me ask you guys this Do you think the moms will eat the turdlets if we call them turdlets? Mmm Moms can't resist any sort of treat Dark chocolate?

Doesn't matter what it's called They eat things called mud pies Cream pies Sex on the beach Sex on the beach Witch fingers Oh yeah They eat tons of weird shit Yeah, lady fingers Yeah, lady fingers Angel food cake You have to kill an angel to make them They eat something called souffle I don't know what that is That sounds like diarrhea I think so too That's like the sound it makes That's what it sounds like That's really funny Yeah, when we have diarrhea That's what you hear from the bathroom Souffle Souffle Souffle Souffle Souffle Okay, so here are the six different plans Tell me which one that it is No, no, no, I mean in the game You guys came up with one plan Here are the six different plans that you guys have come up with I wasted all my time with I really appreciated what you were just about to not do Well, I mean we did have a lot It was give stuff out at shitty foods Dress up like a delivery bag of food Creep around Metal Gear Solid style We had a mascot way before Yeah, you wanted Borbo to be a mascot We can use the mascot in the ad We can dress like little turdlets Eat me, I'm delicious Dance around Yeah, exactly I mean we don't know what the ad is going to be like Don't think about it now No, no, no, shut up We'll do it in the moment We gotta save this gold And the final plan which we've crescendoed to Take out an ad in the middle of Very Pretty Jester Whatever Very Pretty Woman Yeah, Very Pretty Woman The school play that Penny's private school is putting on Yeah, at the Caprice Theater And Penny's the lead So she can get us an in with the drama teacher I guess I mean hopefully You did break up with her and tell her that she's a liability I didn't tell her she's a liability I told her we were dangerous to her Because if her mom found out that she was hanging out with us She would get in a lot of trouble That's true But then I told everyone else that it was because she was a liability Which is also true Both are true Okay, so Assault No Definitely not Deception Little trick or manipulate Maybe Very possibly Could be deceptive Stealth Probably not Occult Definitely not Don't think so Social Maybe Transport Or deception Yeah, so the Pretty social Pretty social We're going to a play It was like a community event Yeah And it's smart to Honestly, it's smart to do this at a public event Yeah Because what is the vineyard going to do to you at a public reception?

Yeah, are they going to murder a bunch of kids? Exactly Um Wait Are they going to murder a bunch of kids?

No, I don't think they can openly murder a bunch of kids Okay That might actually be I bet there's a rule in the food court Like the higher levels where they're like The kid gangs are off limits Oh, you can't hurt us Yeah That's so cute and nice Very nice Like they can stop you from doing business Yeah But they can't directly harm you That's the best thing Where the food court was just like Yeah, you guys can't Like if you want to be criminals in this mall You cannot hurt kids Yeah The first rule is you can't hurt a kid The second rule is the kids can't find out that we can't hurt them That's the second Because if they find out We're going to run all over us Yeah That's true The Cooltree kids probably don't know that No, we don't And that's why we're so scared all the time All the time And I like thinking that in our heads It's like way higher stakes than it is Like sometimes security guards will see us And they're like, oh, who cares Totally My shift is over in ten minutes I don't want to chase them I'm not fucking dealing with this And I bet there's a reason for that rule You know what I mean And the people that have broken it Like the food court Comes down on them like a sledgehammer Yeah Like narcos where you disappear Yeah, one gang just got wiped out one day They were just like, they're gone Nobody knows what happened But we can guess that they broke a rule Some of the kids think they got turned into Big fat goats around the room Yeah Anyway So, deception or social?

Social Seems like it's more social Because we're talking to Penny We're getting her to help us We're trying to convince We're not lying to anyone really Yeah We're doing everything out in the open That's kind of our point Yeah, totally So the social connection is Penny Okay And maybe Mindy's in the play too She's volunteering to help She's a stage manager Yeah Yeah, totally It's like part of her Like where it's like She probably goes to rich kids school too Where it's like Oh yeah You have to help with one of the kids' plays If you want to graduate From the art program or something Yeah Community service Yeah, basically So let's just go right to the engagement role Okay Plus one for sheer luck Is this operation particularly bold or daring?

Kind of Yeah, we're getting in front of the people That want to kill us Yeah Sorry Yeah, so you definitely get one Okay There's six plans we came up with And melded into one Yes I'm just going to put another die there No, this is the one that you take away from Oh, shit So, sorry guys No die? No, you get one Does the plan's detail expose a vulnerability of the target?

Yeah, they fucking love dark chocolate They love chocolate And they can't hurt you in public Yes And we're marketing ours before they are Yeah, exactly For some market Uh-huh Can any of your friends or contacts Provide aid or insight? Penny Maybe Mindy Yeah, so you get That's three now Are there any other elements you want to consider?

Maybe a lower tier target gives you plus one Or a higher tier gives you minus one I mean, they're pretty high It's the vineyard Yeah, they're way higher tier So, I think we're back down to two Okay Fuck Who's going to roll it? Who rolled it?

So, I think you rolled it And Jessica rolled one So, Paul, roll this one Do it, do it, do it Oh, the bone dice The bone dice Bone daddy One and a four Four, okay So, you're in a risky position When the action starts Uh-huh So, you approach Penny Uh-huh How do you approach Penny?

From the shadows Okay Uh-huh So, this is before I assume before the play Yeah Like a couple Maybe the dress rehearsal Oh, yeah So, there's a dress rehearsal We're in We see Skid Row Outside the Caprice Theater Uh-huh Their parents have dropped them off They're taking a break They've just run the show Things are okay There's a bit of tension People aren't sure how this is going to go They're all wearing leg warmers And unit tarts Yeah Because it's a private school Exactly Uh-huh Even the kid that is supposed to be the king Mm-hmm Who hires the very pretty woman Yeah Is wearing like a kingly garb And then also leg warmers The janitor goes down the aisles Mopping with leotards and tights on He's mopping leotards and tights Out of the aisles So, he leotards and tights Yeah And Penny goes to a water fountain And drinks some water And goes Ah And then just stands there staring At Penny And she's like Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah And Penny just stands there staring In the middle distance for a while But from the shadows And Fantin like watches her for a while Classic creepy vampire style Yeah Where he's just like Ah Demeanor to my Dracula Ah God I miss her so much Sometimes She's right there She's right there I could just talk to her She reaches up and picks something out of her nose Ah God Such grace Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Such grace Such grace She wipes it on the water fountain Ah Elegance incarnate She just kind of falls over And then gets back And goes Ah And then gets back up Oh Oh yeah I understand Ah Ah Jessica Lamp is in the way A lot of Jessica's laughing is being quiet She's like Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Such grace Such grace Such grace Ah Ah Ah Departure Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Distant laugh Alright Distant laugh Laughing How did she just fall over And then Fenton descends from the rafters Uh wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask Descends from the raf- How?

Uh he jumps Laughs He just slams now Lands in a pile of uh leg warmers and leotards Yeah he's wearing his Yeah he's wearing his cape and his cloak and his high collar and his vampire makeup Uh huh And uh he's wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask Yeah Cause he picked it up in the rafters Yeah I can't have too many things on your fucking face Laughs Teeth, more teeth, makeup, mayonnaise, mask, wig?

Yeah And then Fenton goes Benny Oh hi Hey It's been a while She reaches her hand out and holds up half an orange to you And I reach out my hand and I hold up a scoop of yogurt that I had in my pocket She nods and she takes the orange back I take the yogurt back Laughs This is a classic thing So us Yeah and then yeah after she- we put our respective foods back in our pocket we go I really missed you a lot Laughs I missed you too What are you doing here?

I came because the Cooltree Kids are working on something really big and we need your help with it Okay We need to- we need you to introduce us to the person who's running this play Okay Cause we need to take an ad out in the middle of it Okay For a new kind of chocolate that we're selling She turns around and starts walking away Well okay do you want any more content?

Laughs She stops and turns around Come on Okay Laughs And she just kind of waddles through the front doors of the Caprice Theater Uh-huh Well through like the side door where all the kids are milling about And everybody kind of looks at you as you walk by And as they look at me I like take my cloak and I flip it in front of my face Dracula style And I go Laughs And I Laughs I quickly shuffle past Uh-huh And all the kids go Oh Laughs And I was like cool I should do this more often Laughs You walk into the backroom where all the kids are putting on their leg warmers and leotards Over their already the costumes they were already wearing Stretching so much Yeah And she takes you onto the stage which is like you know very glaringly lit It's got that half house lights half stage light thing of like a dress rehearsal Uh-huh There's a big wooden cutout of the castle that King Gear lives in in the play Oh good Laughs Good job Richard II Laughs So many good Richard Gere King names Yeah And uh she walks over to what looks like a production team and goes Uh Mr.

Smushlin Oh shit Gasp Uh my friend wants to talk to you And he whips around his beret hanging artfully over his face He's got a little pencil mustache this time And he's got a long cigarette holder with a cigarette in it This makes so much sense why Franklin grows a mustache later on Laughs Ha ha young penny I was just discussing your performance in the jungling scene Who's this young boy And then Fenton goes uh yeah I but we've never met before Graff Laughs Please please call me Graff Graff Laughs What is it I can do for you I uh I I represent an organization called shitty food and we are trying to launch a new kind of chocolate that we think that the audience of this production would be perfect for and we were wondering if we could pay you to take out an ad in the middle of your play for our new dark chocolate that we're trying to launch Ah dark chocolate you say Yeah The finest of chocolates for the most discerning of tastes Laughs Yep Laughs It's a fascinating proposition my boy but unfortunately ad space is all booked up for the evening so unless one of the other ads drops out I'm afraid that there is no room for your venture We'll pay you double Very well Laughs I've been looking for an opportunity to spit in the face of Rick Ropes for some time now and this is the perfect opportunity for me Graff Smooshlin So by double you of course mean Uh what are what are the ad spots Tell me a number my boy Uh I have two coins with me He points up he points higher Okay well how many coins do you guys have Two Two and Two I think we all have the same Like so I think we have I have six coins close at hand Interesting interesting and if we were to speak in a sort of metagaming aspect for a moment I feel like it's all the money we have You poor poor impoverished boy but you have a flair for the dramatic and I appreciate that put her there And I shake his hand really strongly Like a handful of yogurt Yeah it smushes into his hand Right it's got a bunch of yogurt in it still Splat very good he pulls his hand back and wipes it on his leotard And then I pull him in real close and I go Thank your lucky stars that I fed earlier today Elsewise you and this whole cast would be in danger Because I would suck you dry You smell so bad You smell like the oldest milk that I've ever smelled in my life Almost like it is transmuted into another form You smell like a really fat goat that's been living on a roof for 25 years And then rotten in the sun Get out of my theater Okay thank you Immediately Okay I'll see you on opening night Very well goodbye Goodbye He's an asshole So yeah you've got you've got your ad space it's just gonna cost you six coins all the money you've got in the world And uh where next do we find the cool treat kids I assume on opening night Yeah What's up everybody it's your boy Borbo Borbo Borbo and I'm trying to go on tour with my band B4 the Burley Beach Bar Bros and we've got some sponsors that we need to play to raise tour funds check them out Look inside you What do you see?

Nothing? That's right You're an empty void a blank canvas upon which a masterpiece will be painted My masterpiece I'm Gref Smushlin from the Gref Smushlin Academy for the Arts in Marshall College Do you have what it takes to forge your body into a weapon of war and a work of art?

There's only one way to find out When I tell you Now accepting students for the class of 384 With the shopper who owns a white Audi suit of armor please return to parking deck 3 your alarm is sounding Well I think all of that stuff sounds pretty sick and I would buy it all now Is that it? Have I fulfilled my contractual obligation? Yeah you can leave Okay great bye Okay bye We're going on tour! Where next do we find the Cool Treat Kids? I assume on opening night?

Yeah So we cut to the main lobby in the Caprice Theater Parents excited to see their kids and parents friends less excited to see their friends kids but excited to be out But you're off to the side Borbo's there in some sort of mascot costume Yeah You're all dressed like little turdlets?

No he's the big turdlet I thought he's the big turdlet and we're the smaller turdlets Yeah that's fun He's the turd you're the turdlets Oh we are the turdlets I'm the turd Yeah Okay So he's wearing a he's got that shit head off Yeah He's just like I don't know about this I don't know about getting on stage like this guys Borbo you're basically a rock star like you have nothing to worry about Yeah but like playing music is different than acting acting is like baring your soul but like pretending to be somebody else's soul so you gotta do like multiple things playing music is just fucking rocking out and looking hot the two things that I'm fucking awesome at now I'm scared Don't be scared you're just a big piece of shit I'm just a big piece of shit out here Everyone in the audience is a huge piece of shit you have nothing to worry about Yeah Picture all those pieces of shit in their underwear Yeah Yeah And then just imagine those pieces of shit loving our ad and then eating so much of the shit that we give them eating all these little nugs of shit that we give them You're right you're right kids thank you so much You're right and it's at this point in the lobby that you see milling about a one Tina Derger Oh shit It's okay she's not gonna be able to tell it's us Everybody put your shitheads on Everybody slams their shitheads on Are you all talking in an accent?

Yeah everybody do the Panujan accent Well hello there Okay good enough Hello I'm a big piece of shit And we're really little pieces of shit But I'm just a regular sized piece of shit But yeah Derger's here she's kind of just like milling about she's mingling she looks really done up she's wearing like a skirt suit she's got a drink in her hand She looks weird Yeah Yeah she does look like She looks like a senator Yeah She's kind of dressed like Hillary Clinton Yeah And her hair is like kind of Hillary Clinton hair She looks like Hillary Clinton She looks like Hillary Clinton Yeah Should we figure out why Derger's here?

Yeah you could you definitely could What if we go pretend to run our lines and just stand close to her and try to hear who she's talking to I think she's gonna notice like a bunch of turds Why would you be thinking anything of it because we're just dressed up We can do it but let's I think we need to figure out what the fuck we're doing because we spent all of our time working on the paper mache shit costumes and did not plan what we were gonna do Sorry I forgot to put in the schedule to talk about the actual ad So where is where are the turdlets right now?

We're backstage No the actual turdlets the chocolate Oh they're also backstage with us and Seamus is there guarding turds Right yeah Can we get the cool cut trio to be waiting outside Totally To give them out at the mingling function Yeah Tony Pepperoni's like yeah no problem boss We'll distribute your turdlets He's still chewing on a rolled up piece of ham Then they're they're kind of wearing like bow ties like they dressed up for it They got little fedoras that are like tipped forward Yeah no problem boss we're gonna distribute your turdlets no problem Nice No problem Tony Pepperoni and the cold cut trio are here to sell your chocolate for a premium price No we're giving it out for free No no it's free it's free Giving it away for free for a premium free Exactly it's better than free it's extra free Premium free It's premium That's what we're gonna tell them boss we're gonna tell them it's premium free That's right Tony And if there's anybody that comes and tries to stop us he's got two in his hands now he's smoking one he's chewing two pieces of ham if anybody tries to stop us we're gonna give them the old one too right That's what I want here Yeah we're gonna mix it up we're gonna go fucking crazy on them But make sure whenever you give shit out to people or whatever you beat them up you tell them they can get little turdlets for free and this is the best dark chocolate in the mall and you can get it at Shitty Foods All right no problem boss uh yeah so we're backstage Seamus has got his arms crossed standing in front of a bunch of boxes that we know contain the little turdlets How have things been with Seamus over the last couple days we still don't trust him No we don't and I've been a little distant with him and he's noticed Interesting So that's why he's guarding it because he's feeling like very clingy Yeah totally He's like Clover what's wrong you're acting weird and I'm like I'm fine I don't even know what you're talking about He's in I'll do literally anything to get Clover to talk to me mode I know the mode well What?

And Fenton and Franklin had to take your side and be like we think you're maybe being kind of emotionally manipulative What I am not doing anything wrong it's he's the one who started it he's the one who's like I'm gonna lie Clover I was like oh just wait until you see what I can do Sometimes it looks like you're reading his mind just it's a strange experience from the outside I mean if he wasn't so easy to read That's true Like he's just he's so easy he every time he looks over at Clover his eyebrows do that like downward slant that make him look really sad and he goes the sad eyebrows and he goes He's so sad about something Fenton you're in the Caprice theater just above you Lies a den of blood-sucking beasts not unlike yourself I feel at home Is Fenton doing the thing where he's like he's just standing at all like the Croton shadows Yeah he's moving from shadow to shadow trying to showcase how shadowy he can be to this coven of vampires that will maybe become his daddies and mommies one day We're trying to run our lines and we have to run them in the shadows Yeah I keep insisting on it it's like I cannot be in this in the harsh light of the theater lighting because of my supple young vampire skin Oh wait bring up the Seamus thing is a good idea because the Humberstone twins probably go to this school too Totally If we can hunt them down before the show starts we can see if they got more information on what the fuck Seamus is up to Oh yeah you know what they're background dancers They're background dancers?

Yeah totally Oh wow And they're the only background dancers and they take it very seriously so the Humberstone twins are like way backstage doing stretches like really intense stretches with each other The leg up on the wall one?

Yeah totally they're both like jackknifed against the wall stretching so hard Yeah and there wasn't supposed to be background dancers in the play but they just walked into a rehearsal one day and said we are dancing in the background of your play And Gref was just like god damn right you are So yeah the Humberstone twins are here you could totally question them about whatever Should we go talk to them? Hell yeah we should Let's get them Oh hello what are you doing here?

We're running an ad Is that why you're dressed like little pieces of shit? Yes it is Today it is What? Sorry I just in my mind I was like we walk up with the like shit heads on Cause we can't let Tina see us Yeah exactly Let me guess the cool tree kids? Yes and they knew immediately that it was us cause out of everyone who the fuck would do this? Sentim is also like so much shorter than us so he's like such a little turd Yeah it's a nice like upward slope of kids What are you doing here?

Do you have any news about Seamus? We do but I'm afraid that it's too late What? What do you mean? We think that Seamus might have been flipped What? Huh? By who? Apparently he was dealing some jerky on the side and security busted him And instead of taking him in they flipped him He's been informing on you this whole time No there's no way I'm gonna be sick to my stomach That's why Jerger's here What? That's why Jerger's here she knows She's a narc? She knows She knows we're here?

She knows that you're here But she can't according to the ancient laws of the food court Security cannot move on you in such a public place Okay so we're safe for now For now as long as you are as public as possible you will be safe from security You gotta stop hiding the shadows just for now Fenton Son of a fucking bitch I know Inside the costume is all the shadows you need That's true Remember the shadows of your own heart The darkness moves within me It does And it will pass through me one day Just like the turds in our body Darkness the BM I never take I'm gonna need more help Will you help me?

With what? I can't look at Seamus in the face right now What do you want us to do? Do you want us to take him out? I need you to lure him away from the chocolate I can't let a snitch guarding our gold Alright you know what?

We've never liked you But Lately Over time That feeling has only grown Go on But This isn't just about you guys anymore This is about the whole mall This is about all the kid gangs So we will do this for you We will lure away Seamus Jamison And we will beat the shit out of him Is that what you want? You can do whatever you want Wait no we do we Are you Are they I can't Fenton's having a hard time believing this I know He's like are you guys absolutely fucking sure about this?

We're about as sure as we can be What if he's double crossing them? That's the thing You gotta It's gotta be It's gotta be said The Hubberstone twins work for the Hubberstone twins So like They could be manipulating you too It's hard to say what is true Yeah Clover's not trusting anyone Her mind is just going nuts She's got that dark juggle mind You do Oh yeah you start hearing like Don't trust him What did we tell you? Don't trust him We were right Don't Don't trust who?

Anyone After that whisper ends Fenton who is now inside of your costume Fenton how did you get in here? At the bottom I crawled up a leg I crawled up one of your legs Oh god that was so hard It's so hot in here Guys what are we doing in here? How did you get in here? We needed privacy You smell like sour milk Why didn't you take a shower? I haven't taken a shower since we left the sugar shack Guys what's going on? What are you doing here?

This is big shit We can't We can't totally 100% trust the Hubberstone twins And we need to find a way to figure out if we can trust Seamus Because if we're out here on our own Everything sucks right now And if Durga is actually here for us Then we're in a lot more danger than we thought Because as soon as we step outside of the Caprice Theater Her thugs are going to fucking grab us probably I have an idea What? I think Seamus and I should trade places What do you mean on stage?

I don't trust him alone with the chocolate Not even for a minute He doesn't know the dance routine We don't know the dance routine You told me you learned the dance routine We did our best but we didn't have anywhere to practice Is this a bad idea?

No this makes sense I think it works I was going to suggest If we fed him one of the little turtlets You could read his mind That's a way better idea I already know the dance for sure Definitely I know the dance Yeah for sure Okay good Because you guys told me you knew the dance And this whole thing is based on the dance So as long as you know the dance that's fine That's cool Franklin is so disappointed That's crazy It's fine You guys learned the dance and that's fine We're best friends Family You would not learn the dance He's not even enunciating anymore He's so stressed out And then Fenton crawls over to Franklin Inside of the costume And he's like okay Franklin Here's what I want you to know about how much I learned the dance Is I know dance lives inside of the heart of every vampire And so I will let it pour out of me When the time comes He didn't know the dance I will let it pour out of me It will come from my heart And that will be the best way for me To know how to dance with you Is if I just fucking improvise You hear a From the crowd Oh shit get out of my costume guys I can't run over there Get out of my costume But this is the first act starting We're in the middle right I still can't We can't do all this together We roll off the front of the stage Cause it's a rock stage And shit rolls downhill We roll to the back of the theater As you hear all of the trumpets Begin their fanfare of Bah bah bah bah bah Bah bah bah bah bah Bah bah bah bah bah bah Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah Is this Mr.

Sandman You didn't even get the song right Sandman, nice try That sounded exactly like Pretty Woman I've been practicing I practice every night for 30 minutes in the mirror He's pushing all the other musicians You fucking heard that? That was perfect Yeah, Seamus is over By the chocolates, the little turdlets He's sweating up a storm Hey Seamus, what's going on?

Nothing, just standing here Tired next to the chocolate, like you asked me to Awesome, I can tell you're doing a great job I am, no one's gonna come and take This chocolate from you, that's for sure So there's like one really important thing That we forgot to ask you, which is Everyone involved has to taste the chocolate Cause you gotta know the product you're selling, right?

It's like the first rule of business Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, that's great I'd be happy to taste this chocolate That absolutely no one is going to try And come through the back door of the theater And take from you That's not gonna happen, but I'd be happy to taste Your chocolate that I'm guarding from anybody That might be coming in the back door of the theater Wink wink Franklin runs to the back door of the theater Fantin goes with him, and we start like jamming Like candy canes Like yeah, candy canes through the door handle So no one can come in We're like sticking it up What's it called, tootsie rolls?

Totally, so what are you rolling here?

Sounds like a wreck to me Okay yeah, wreck in the back door Six and four Okay six, yeah you Just as you start jamming candy canes and tootsie rolls Into the handles and stuff like that You hear a very subtle As somebody gently Kind of tugs on the back door And Fantin goes Oh sorry, I'm changing back here Oh no problem No problem at all It's a little kid changing my clothes I need some privacy Please stop telling me what's happening Not a problem, just wrong door Try the wrong door, it's all good Okay Seamus, how many doors are there?

I've seen like four or five That lead from outside to inside Various routes Clover, I'm so sorry They threatened me with juvenile detention Juvenile detention, Clover Why didn't you tell me though? I couldn't tell you, they've been watching me Why didn't you use our code words?

Anything that I did would just put you at risk And put me also at further risk And I'll admit that at the time I was just more scared About going to juvenile detention than I was about betraying you But now I feel so bad, Clover I'm so sorry, you gotta believe me Eat that chocolate Okay And then I run off And you see him take a piece of dark chocolate and take a bite and go It tastes so bad It's so bitter There's almost no sugar But he does Eat the little chocolate as you run off I'm gonna lock one of the other doors And I'm gonna go to one of the other doors I'll go to another door, let's all go to a door Yeah, I'll roll a tinker I'll like shove a bunch of gum in one of the keyholes So they can't get in So yeah, risky standard Dude, two out of three, doesn't work Two out of three Okay, so I have created two clocks One of which I will not tell you the name of But I will tell you that it is two out of six Fuck And the other is the security force Which is two out of eight And that is just like the security as a unit You guys trying to like overcome Their attempts during the play Okay You try and jam a bunch of gum In the locks But you've been chewing this gum like all day So it's not even sticky anymore So you keep jamming it in the lock And it just keeps falling out It keeps going in It's going in too far It's not doing anything It's like WD-40, it's so loose This is the loosest this lock has ever been But Do you hear I love a little vampire Oh shit And I whip around And crouch down a rafter above you Is Baron Kellogg What are you doing, little vampire boy Fenton takes a knee And he like bows his head And he goes, my liege Who is this little boy Who says liege to me I'm one of the newest vampires in the mall My name is Fenton Beasley And I have been turned Into a creature of the night By the dark force of drama He like sniffs the air You don't smell like vampire You smell like a little sweaty boy Little sweaty boy who want to be vampire But it's because you put fake teeth in your mouth And because you wear cloak and mask That you are not vampire You have to take on the curse I'm so much of a fucking vampire I don't even need the fucking curse I scuttle through the darkness I watch girls Without them knowing Jesus fuck He's starting to sound more like vampire I just did that the one time with Penny And he's like I embody Darkness and hunger And I tell people non-stop That I'm gonna fucking suck them dry You say you're vampire for these reasons What is being a vampire If not these things Why must I take on the curse If I already without the curse Am the most true to my core Dark motherfucker in the world And I would not let anyone Step to me Or you if you included me In the sanguine court And Fenton takes out his Skate sword and he slices his hand Whoa Whoa He's a little munch boy And then he smears his own Face with his blood And when you run your hands across your eyes Smearing your face with your own blood Your eyes open and Baron Kellogg is gone What?

I went too over the top And the play begins We hear like Penny going like Oh my god I can't believe That I have the opportunity Oh wait no she's good Well I'll be I don't know how to do this What is this play about Julia Roberts Her and her friend hanging out talking about Not being able to make enough rent Here are my rules When I'm juggling for the king No juggling on the lips And rule number two Don't fall in love Alright we hear that We absolutely hear that And then you hear one of the parents in the front go No falling in love with the balls or the king No juggling on the lips And Gref is standing backstage He's got that thing where one of his arms is Across his chest then his elbow Is on the other arm and he's gripping his own lips I hope that all the Reviewers are here tonight This could be your way out of this Shithole mall Gref This could be your way out of that Contract killing charge What Alright so Clover Oh yeah How are you locking your door There is the kind of tool area in backstage I grabbed a blowtorch And I'm gonna try to just like Lock the door shut That's pretty cool I put on a little like fake crown Made from a margarine container I use that to shield my eyes As I use a blowtorch to melt the door Great so what Action are you using Wreck So yeah risky standard Fucker Two We're rolling like ass right now You are not rolling well It's taken you a long time To do this and you're realizing That this is a blowtorch not a welding torch And also you don't know how to weld So you're just kind of heating up this door for a while You realize it's a Blowdryer Yeah it is like Getting a little red looking and I'm like Oh yeah I don't know how long Is that normal It's getting pretty hot so I have Ticked the secret clock a little bit more Things are transpiring Franklin He's out in the lobby and he's Climbed up onto the marquee and putting sold out So that nobody else comes in the front And also he's putting The velvet ropes that are in the line For the concession and putting them in all the doors So nobody can come in In all the doors yeah okay cool I was going to try and get Borbo to go guard the chocolate I mean Borbo would go guard the chocolate You don't have to go yeah he would definitely do it Borbo we found that Seamus might be a Narc to the man I knew it that little fuck I've never liked that kid Came to the surface so fast Next chance to go Be really mean to him Alright I'm on it And he just sprints backstage But he's in the turd costume I might have unleashed a bit of a monster there And if we cut back To where he is He just fucking tackles Just pushes him over The framing is Seamus in the middle And then it's just him standing there alone And then some kids are walking around And he's like eating the chocolate like oh god It's disgusting And then you hear Just pushes Seamus into the ground Like a horizontal grown up Enters frame horizontally Like he's a shit with legs And then we cut back to the lobby And I think finesse makes sense Yeah I think you can do finesse Because you're like climbing up there and stuff Yeah risky standard 5-1-4 5-1-4 so that is a mixed success So you get 2 on The security force Which is now 4 out of 8 As like you're putting up the sold out sign And you see a bunch of security guys There's like 3 of them and they're kinda looking around like Just gonna go see a play Totally normal As they're walking towards you You're like racing them to put the velvet rope out And they're like No they're hustling forward It's an unbreakable rule The velvet rope Damn it They're stuck on the other side like shit We're gonna get so much trouble You little kid let us in come on man Come on I can't hear you he strokes the velvet rope I hate that velvet rope It's the rules of the theater Says Stephen Sondheim I bet there's one vampire Who's like do not cross this Yeah totally And he's like hiding up above One guy puts his hand on him And he's like And then you hear From above him All the vampires are super theater people Yeah One has like the family opera on the right side The other one has the family opera on the left side And the other one has the family opera just up in the middle Cause they could only afford one mask So they had to cut it into 3 pieces Yeah he reaches forward He puts his hand on the velvet rope You're hissing in the windows And another one puts his hand on his chest He goes no Daryl it's not worth it We can't break the ancient laws of the theater You win this round kid And he points at Franklin I win all rounds Pirouette looking at them moonwalk backwards Back flip back flip back flip Back flip back flip Into the theater Down the aisle The momentum's got me You're like a swanky Oh yeah I guess Gref sees me Oh yeah so Gref sees The little turdlets Flipping down the aisle I only know one turd to move like that I haven't seen hip joints That fluid in nearly a year It couldn't be Or could it Or could it be It couldn't Or could The stage manager is standing next to her She's like are you talking to me With her little headset And like her clipboard A wire goes into a bottle Mr.

Smushin are you talking to me No my dear Get ready for intermission So like we cut back to the stage The play's been going Let's cut to the play for a second It's Cinderella She's standing there Standing there Penny is standing there She's wearing now like a full court jester's outfit That's really high quality And it's her with a bunch of bags In a place with like fancy court jester outfits And she's going Big mistake Huge And all the crowd goes yeah You saw her Oh yeah the very pretty woman strikes again And the curtains close as everybody Applauds and Gref strides out And that is the end of act one Ladies and gentlemen Now before our intermission we have a few Advertisements So please take your seats We all hear that and we rush to get to our place Borbo's gonna stay behind though She's guarding now Borbo is like got Seamus around Like the shirt he's got the front of his shirt And Seamus is like pulling at his hand And he's just not moving Kids you're gonna have to do this one without me I've got a little turdlet of my own To look after Good luck Alright we can do this you guys Just like we rehearsed Advertisement successful I'm starting a new clock So there are ads before Let's see one of the ads Maybe Rick tries to do a gorilla ad From the audience Sit down dick A middle aged man stands up With a bunch of ropes in his hands And goes I will not be silenced And I've got Rick's ropes And Griff is on stage like sit down Sit down god damn it dick I'll take those ropes and you'll never see them again He pulls out a crossbow I've killed before I'll do it again Richard I'll hang you with those ropes God damn it Richard I won't be made a fool of again And Rick sits down Cheapishly And the next ad comes on stage A divorce lawyer would be so funny at this Oh yes That's what these people need Tired of him spending all your money And suits all armor You do it Your son's got too many swords in his room now what How many houses can one man Keep buying There's a lot of rustling in the audience As women are pulling out little notebooks Yeah totally You hear a lot of like chairs creaking As like the barbecue dads that remember to show up Start like shifting uncomfortably In their cargo shorts And they're looking around like oh what was that Oh man I love the buttresses in this place Can you believe this molding Hey babe I just want to say like you know I've been thinking about us a lot lately I've been hey babe I just wanted to say I've been really thinking about Tired of only being taught to you when you feel guilty I'm just thinking I really could do some dishes sometimes Tired of doing all the dishes You owe it to yourself No no no see I'm gonna do some Are you mad that everybody else gets pockets on the shorts Shirts and face and you only get none Babe I just want to let you know You look real good in that dress with pockets I noticed it had pockets Because I asked you to hold my cell phone Cause I never think to bring anything From my own stuff You want to own your own cell phone Come on down to Rick's divorce lawyer Rick's divorce he also Does the divorce Comes back out on stage and Rick is like It's a different business I'm paying for the ad God damn you Richard I'll get you one day Yeah yeah come on down I'm just in the back of Rick's ropes Come down to Dick's divorce Amazing Really good And all the vineyard are like yeah And then a young Chathain comes out Who's like he's put up his shingle In the mall as like a private eye And he's like hey everybody I'm Chathain Wick I'm still here He's like ultimate dilf All the chairs are creaking Cause women are like He's like hey What's up I'm an elf ranger I find myself here in the mall And nowhere else to go So I'm starting a job as a private eye I understand there's a lot of adultery going on So anyone that wants Me to investigate Adultery Either way Like if there's If their spouse is cheating on them Or if there's someone that they want to cheat On their spouse with Find out information about that person Anyway whatever you know I'll investigate whatever right now I'm kind of lost If you need a private dick Come out to Chathain Wick private dick I'm also in the back of Rick's ropes Right beside Dick's divorce We share a side Private Dick's divorce Third ad?

It's a little girl She's selling girl guide cookies She took out a whole ad For her girl guide cookies Her parents are also rich Even when she walks on stage There's a bunch of clapping and cheering in the audience You look beautiful honey Thanks mom Hi everyone Just letting you know I am on the show Selling my girl guide cookies And we are raising funds For a fun vacation To the ski hills This winter I am selling vanilla wafer And mint chocolate chip cookies There are Two coins a box For the big box The box contains 20 boxes Or less I forget But I will have a price list My mom has the price list Okay thanks Oh my god sweetheart You did such a good job That is definitely a mom Who is using her daughter to get people Into a pyramid scheme Selling cookies And now comes time for the little turdlets Oh shit Oh my god I forgot we have to do that Go children now Leapfrog, leapfrog on stage Leapfrog onto the stage Is that the first move?

Like trying to make sure the leapfrog is perfect? Yeah And what action are you using? I guess finesse Yeah finesse Who's leading it? I assume not Franklin I can do it Good roll Five Six and four Okay so no stress And with the risky standard You get two ticks filled on the Advertisement successful clock As a bunch of people go oh my god Look at how fluid and engaging this leapfrog is And then you hear some people go Are they dressed as shit?

They look like little pieces of shit Are they dressed as pieces of shit? They couldn't just be pieces of shit right? Those toads are toads I can't tell what they look like Little pieces of shit And then you guys land on stage Finishing your leapfrog and Some of you may be thinking that we look like Pieces of shit But you know what doesn't taste like a piece of shit?

Our special Magical dark chocolate turdlets That's right We have made a kind of Dark chocolate that surpasses All others in terms of Bitterness, salt content Mouthfeel Mouthfeel Availability and market share That's right we have so much Dark chocolate and it's all Free at Shitty Foods Premium free Why pay anything when you Can pay nothing? For the best stuff that money can buy We won't take your money Yeah How much would you pay for something that looks like this?

Ugh get it away from me I wouldn't pay anything That's exactly what you'll pay down at Shitty Foods Come on down to Shitty Foods And get your own little turdlet Where you can both fall in love And fall in chocolate And we will be giving away free Samples of little turdlets In the lobby after the show Everyone get out there and get your Free little turdlets which will be Just as free as when you go to Shitty Foods Because this shit Sucks And is valueless Alright what are you rolling for this?

For a second I thought you guys were going to Forget to mention We're giving them away Sway yeah sway makes sense So group action sway I'll lead this one Yeah risky but I think Probably standard still Your advertising Five and a five I got a five and a three So that is a partial success You take one point of stress The secret clock fills Shit Yeah what's your final move?

Oh we do A jingle Let's get one line from the song from each of you Open your eyes Look out to the Horizon Way different tone I love it It fits because it's Like a modern dance piece Totally Franklin's acting it out Feeling your feelings Feeling trapped Like you're not on the Horizon Your son and your daughter Are at school Your husband's I don't care Looks like you've earned A little time for yourself Because The Best part of Waking up Is turdlets in Your mouth We all got to mouth That was good So this is one more action This was a great song so this will be Risky great because you're still trying to pull it off And what are we using?

Sway again Three I'm leading it Two fives I got six That was catchy Except for the wine mums Yeah Oh and the husbands are clapping Players stop clapping Yeah there's a bunch of Still women In the audience glaring You see them It's like they come into sharp focus Amongst all the boys clapping Their buns not moving an inch Yeah Fantastic Yeah and Fenton has brought on some Of the little turdlets And he starts throwing them into the crowd And he's like get a head start On the deliciousness that is Little turdlets get these turds Into your mouth And you toss out a couple turdlets And people grab them and chomp them And you hear oh my god Oh my god It's so Rich and bitter Oh my god It clovers mind Yeah all the whispers like Like get louder Just a little Yeah and you all run off stage And there's applause and Gref is like Well done children well done Now into mission The play will begin again shortly Enjoy your break And you go backstage to where the turdlets are And Borbo is there Laid out on the ground Leaning against the little turdlets Is Tina Derger Are you fucking kidding me?

You piece of shit I'm the piece of shit Did you really think That you'd be able to get one over on me? I don't know what you mean by that Look It's been cute You know Hearing about all your little exploits And your attempts to overthrow Whatever and undercut whatever But you're playing Outside of your league kids While she's talking can I try to like Take her out? Yeah how? I have lights out licorice and is that the one where she has to eat it?

Yeah you gotta eat lights out licorice Trans powder will just put you out Okay I'm gonna use trans powder I've gotten like one of those like easter egg things so I throw it at her face Okay Explodes Yeah totally so risky or desperate limited So you're gonna get a point of experience for this anyways I'm using Probably finesse but you can either push yourself You can spend stress to give yourself another die Yeah I'll do it 5 4 1 Mixed success So you throw the egg And she like It's one of those little plastic easter eggs So as it's flying towards her She reaches up and swats it out of the air But it cracks open And the powder is in front of her and she's just like Like trying to wipe it out of her face But uh It's too late So she gets a little bit of trans powder and you see her stumble a little bit And then she shakes her head She's like what is you What are you doing I come into her knees with toffee knuckles Oh yeah okay Oh right she has weak knees Pow So the trans powder and the success are gonna take this from desperate limited To risky standard Skirmish prowess Great so I get 3 3 3 1 Jesus fucking christ Is there any way we can like help or like take the stress for you or something You can take the stress for him Okay I'll take stress So what you see the like Leg coming up and you're just like no And push him out of the way Or I could just push her leg I stop her leg And she's left open She's still spluttering from the trans powder It looks like it's maybe just taking time to take effect Oh as she's like spluttering and her mouth is open He takes one of his little turtlicity out of his pocket And he whips it into her mouth Hard as he can That's desperate for sure but that would be great effect If you could get literal mental Power over her I guess that's prowess Yeah I don't have much in this You can take a devil's bargain You can push yourself Oh yeah can I push myself Yeah so that's 2 stress And I'll take a die And a devil's bargain can give you another die Okay I'll take a devil's bargain too Okay what's your devil's bargain What's the bad thing that happens I like get in way too close Totally I jump up and I put my grubby Disgusting hand directly into her mouth Okay sounds good Give me a six Two fives and a one Two fives and a one So you get what you want I mean the devil's bargain is you get in close And the partial success is you like climb up And jam the chocolate in her mouth Yeah And she just grabs you and holds you out Cause you're like a tiny little guy So you're just kind of kicking and flailing in her arms But she does like And like swallows the chocolate I grab his cane sword open it take it out And I want to rake it down her forearm I want to cut her Risky standard probably I see your cane lying on the ground The fact that she grabbed you away from your cane You never leave that Because I am without my cane Not without my cane Six five one Six Okay He gives her like three Like Wolverine Totally And I mean she is still a person So you cut her arm and she like Yells like ow And drops, sent into the ground And the fact that she's being swarmed by a bunch of little kids And just got cut and has this Like weird chocolate in her mouth that she's swallowing She like stumbles back And is like enough I'm in control I'm an adult And as she's saying this you hear Clover you hear like the whispers picking up You hear just a voice that sounds A lot like Tina Dergers going No no no I'm so close She's kind of over the edge Hey Tina What?

We know you broke a rule So? The food court is going to hear about it How are they going to hear about it?

We just have to go up to one of them And show the bruise Fenton got Yeah Fenton says he's like Look at my bruise And then he punches himself in the face Like no And he's like yeah I can't believe you need me in the face like that And then he smashes his nose And Clover takes her fingernails And rakes it across her face Stop it Ow We start beating each other up Tina Dergers beating up A bunch of kids back here She's pulling on my hair And punching Fenton in the face I'm pulling on your hair and you're punching me in the face She's biting On both of our legs And you just hear her go No one's ever going to Believe me or a bunch of little kids And then oh my god what if Doris comes in Yeah absolutely flashback That's what flashbacks are for What about her and Corb Green Oh totally it could be anybody We got them a ticket for two as like kind of a date Yeah come to the place And they heard us screaming So you do have to pay for flashbacks So zero stress for a flashback would be an ordinary Action for which you had easy opportunity One stress for a complex Action or unlikely opportunity Or two or more for an elaborate action That involves special opportunities and contingencies Getting tickets and giving them To two people we know Yeah and we had plenty of like alone time with Doris And Corb Doris and Greg right Oh Greg oh I thought Corb cause um He's a he's yeah sorry The date thing threw me Oh so it was Greg who was romantically Interested We're just friends Maybe Greg just came with Doris Like you guys got three tickets Two were for people that could help you Bust Tina and one is just for Greg Yeah Greg just really wanted to see Very Pretty Woman He's a big fan of Julius Roberto When we do the flashback we're like Okay we got you guys kind of a gift That's really not we think you'll Really love it and then we give the two of them Tickets and it's like and also Corb Green is coming too Yeah And Doris is like oh children that's so sweet And Greg is like no fucking way Very Pretty Woman That's the only one I haven't seen I've seen Magic Pizza I've seen Mr.

Lisa's smell I've seen Runaway Bridegroom Runaway Bridegroom My Best Friend's Macallan Wedding My Big Fan Macallan Wedding Not Julia Roberts Just a funny name And I've also seen Aaron Brockovich And then we cut back to the present We don't need Everyone to believe us We just need someone to believe us Oh Doris And she walks around the corner With a cane and a nice Dress on and Corb has a tiny Little tuxedo on with a little Cowboy hat that also has a bow tie on it And it's two little cowboy boots That have bow ties on them And Doris goes Now what do we have here Is this a member Of the mall's security force Harming children Get her to stop please He's looking up at Tina with like puppy dog eyes Well now Tina Says Corb Green taking a long drag Off his stick of wheat It's going to be a real shame When the food court hears about your Flagrant disregard for the rules And she goes no No no no no no You don't have to do this There's got to be a better way And he goes well I don't know Maybe if one were to Resign her position As head of mall security And turn over all information That she might have About any erstwhile dealings Then perhaps Members of such mall esteem Such as myself and Miss Doris here could smooth Things over so to speak And then Fenton Leans in and he whispers To Tina Durger Just low enough that Franklin and Clover can hear but Doris and Corb can't And he goes yeah Wouldn't want the food court Finding out about Your dealings with Mr.

Julius Now would you And her eyes kind of bug open I mean I figure They would be pretty upset about that If they found out that We had proof You Alright I want to make a deal And then we cut to like Everybody flooding out a very pretty Woman taking all of the free samples Of the little turdless And parents are like what happened to your face And we're like We are in makeup For the next play Gangs of New York Newsies And there yeah Everybody's taking a turdlin Popping them in their mouth and going oh my god And we cut to you know the next day People flooding shitty food booths around the mall Also boosting sales At shitty foods Even though she's free Donations Huge donations Because it's all rich people who fucking love this Dark chocolate And they love making tax deductible donations To charitable organizations Can I get a receipt for that It's free This is just kind of a montage Of scenes I think we see like Tina walking out of the head Of security office with a box Full of her shit and leaving And going next door to the regular Security officer's office And we see In the middle of the night It's like dim lighting and darkness We see figures like meeting in a Conference sort of room And the door's shut I'm imagining like we see a big like book That has like the vineyard The barbecue kings like all of these names And they cross out the vineyard From their ledger And slam It's a very old book Cool Is there a scene where In his kiosk at the mall Orange Julius is there And What if Orange Julius is a janitor Oh he becomes the janitor No like he's always been the janitor That's how he keeps an eye on the whole mall Right That's so cool You see him kind of like mopping the floors And it zooms in and he's got like A really nice college shirt And he goes back in Goes back to mopping It's like a little pin with like an orange on it But besides that And his name tag says Julius And he's like unharmed His scheme is still going And a celebration Orphans day The day that all orphans in the mall Collectively decided Is all of their birthdays And that's the party that we find ourselves at now At Oh The deal's fallen through Oh my god can we have our big O party at the sugar shack We can It's our big O party We throw the orphans a huge birthday party Yeah It's kind of like It sort of happens once a year But it's also like not specifically planned It's just like when all of the orphans Get a big win Like one time a pizza truck flipped over Yeah It was like we all knew it was O day Look around the room everyone has their O face on And it's goat time And for one day Everyone puts aside their like Their issues and we all get together To enjoy No fighting on orphans day That's another hard rule But amongst us No business no fighting on orphans day So yeah there's food there's drink there's games Tell me specific things that we see at the party We've pinned the boobs on the goat Perfect We've forced Clover to do another drawing for us Yeah I'm like I'll cut them out No I'll cut them out Yeah we have a fight while we're holding scissors And everyone at the party's just like stop You guys have to stop fighting while you're holding scissors There's music And there's dancing Borbo and Rarara are playing live They've started a band called Borbo and Rarara Borlan The Silverstone Twins are definitely here They're definitely sitting What?

I was like I pictured them because we talked them up to being amazing dancers They're just doing this casual amazing routine Oh yeah One of the few times they kind of like let loose They do this crazy dance There's definitely this duo Routine that they have been working on for a long time Really hard But so casual Pushes Franklin aside He's like oh my god There they are My ticket out of here I've been looking at two feet When I should have been looking at four Have you two Ever considered being in A horse costume We're doing Equus in the fall Equus the musical Oh man Everybody there Sent in their own request For a cake Everyone's got their age In candles Oh nice But it's the age they guess they are So there's a question mark on each Maybe like one of the kids Keeps track in the shitty notebook Last year you turned 13 So Yeah Who's that kid that used to be the reporter Chance Encounter Yeah and Chance Is the keeper of the book of ages Yeah book of ages Which sounds really intense but is really just A list of everybody's age So just like alright you were 11 last year which means you are 13 this year He's bad at math He's not great But everybody comes by and tells them We're the Hubberstone twins And he's updating all the ages Just to have a question mark because they're new to the mall Oh yeah How's Borbo doing?

He got knocked out Oh Borbo's playing music Borbo's got a fat black eye But he is ripping it up with Rarar And he loves his black eye Makes him feel so tough The cold cut trio are still wearing their like fedora Outfits like their suits and their fedoras And their ties and they're like snapping in the corner Yeah they're really settling into this Like Boy these cats can really cook Into this vibe The study group is there Shadow cloaks are there And the shadow cloaks are doing like really old timey Medieval dances that everybody else Is really put off by They're just like touching one hand Pam pam Pam pam Mindy, is she there?

Yeah for sure she's talking to Franklin About I saw what you did During the commercial and I just want to say that We have a production of Lamaze coming up in the fall And I think that you'd be perfect for the lead And he's very nervous That's beautiful Penny?

Penny is Yeah she's there, she's in her cactus costume Yeah she's hurting a lot of kids She's bobbing back and forth but like whacking People on either side of her People keep going like ow fuck You gotta stop doing that Why does it have real spikes?

It would be funny if we were trying to bubble wrap her a bit Yeah she's covered in bubble wrap She keeps bursting balloons It's stressing us out The Wild Nogs are here In a land Tim is impressing everybody With feats of strength and athleticism He's doing a keg stand on a keg of eggnog Yeah And everybody's so impressed There's also a keg of what we think is beer But is also the non-alcoholic beer Greg and Doris are there as well Yeah And Doris is like good job I want him to do it at home I want him to be safe There's a human man in a track suit Looking at Alan and he's like I taught him everything he knows And it's the coach from Earth From so many episodes The workout guy Keep doing it my boy Maybe the blood boys or something Start making contact with Fenton All the weird vampire guys Yeah the vampire kids They keep talking to me There's no way of course That you saw a real vampire I saw Baron Kellogg My friends And I freaked him out so much He didn't even want to suck my blood I cut my blood Out of my body And he didn't even stick around for it Cause I am so fucked up I'm the uber vampire He saw your blood?

He saw my blood I cut my hand in front of him Wiped it on my face And he fucking disappeared like a little bitch And they all look at each other really nervously That means he has your scent Good And then Fenton Slowly realizes what that means He says good Turns around And then the camera sees him shuffle away And start crying What have I done Anything we want to throw in for Franklin?

Franklin's sitting on the sidelines Crossing his arms Looking at the Hubbardstone twins He's just amazed with their dance moves And he's feeling okay He's just like man, maybe I'm not ready for this So this is what I was thinking How you got the tickets Cause you got three tickets to the show Gref walks over to you sitting on the steps Hello dear Franklin I'm smoking a closed cigarette He reaches down and he takes it from you And then he looks at himself So I'm glad that things worked out for you I just hope that you are able To uphold your part of the deal I don't know if I can leave them It's only one summer my boy And then we cut away Later on in the party Things are still popping off It's a huge celebration We head over to the punch table In the corner And there are the cool tree kids There's a lot of non-orphans in here I thought we said no friends But there's a lot This party's getting out of hand There's just a couple goblins in the corner That are like yeah And there's so many rich kids I mean like this food isn't free I know but I think a lot of them Kind of like impressed with what we did Saving them all There's a lot of people around us Which is nice I guess It's like what you wanted In making that bigger mall gang I didn't want like a bunch of hangers on I just want useful gang people That's not a bunch of adults Eating wine gums in our bathroom Oh god no In the good bathroom?

We cut over to that It's just a bunch of like 20 somethings Like oh my god I come out of it and there's somebody there Laughing Oh my god These kids throw the best party Is it weird that we're at this party Because all these kids are like 12 Laughing Nah we can do whatever we want We're 20 We're never going to not be 20 We're never going to die Cut back to the punch table Yeah I guess that's Kind of the curse of success Is that you kind of Have to deal with more shit Every time something Good happens It just leads to more complicated stuff I think there will be a day Where we think back to that time That we had diarrhea in the waiting pool And we yearn for that To simpler times It was I think that's the core of us really I don't want to get too far away From what we were supposed to be Blaming our diarrhea on some other kid I don't want to blame the diarrhea On ourselves Yeah I'm never going to take responsibility For my own diarrhea You promise?

I promise And then Fenton takes his sword out and cuts his hand The camera pulls up No The camera pulls up in a way Fenton is scaring Frank We make a blood promise Before it goes out through the window above us You hear Little boy blood down there Little boy cuts himself so much He's maybe a little too much for me And I think over the next few days Next few weeks We see other kid gangs start moving Into the buildings on either side of the sugar shack And we The camera pans over to like The entryway to this part of the mall As a bunch of kids are hanging a sign Over it that says Candyland Cool I don't understand And we cut to black there Welcome to the mall There's no parents here Even while we sneak They might find us Tina, Dirker, and the Wymonds Tilt their back on the records Not everybody wants to play Clover's emo now Fenton's a vampire Franklin's drinking beer Candy kids will fight To take the sugar shack back And get our lives back on track Everybody wants to There's a place where the elves won't bug you Food-based games run the most Crafts and the kids There's a guy with an elf behind you Cool tree kids work quite heavy Dirker's plan is now buried Everybody wants to There's a place where the elves won't bug you Food-based games run the most Crafts and the kids There's a guy with an elf behind you Food-based games run the most Crafts and the kids There's a guy with an elf behind you So we took the sugar shack back And got our lives back on track Everybody wants to Everybody wants to Everybody wants to Everybody wants to And then we return There's whispers in the darkness Whispers in the darkness Sugar, the sugar shack at night Cool tree kids settled into their home for the first time And for what feels like forever And Clover And I'm stuck out in my hammock I just can't get comfortable There's like visions The voices are so loud And then they all quiet And you hear a voice Very real, very near Hello Clover I think it's time that you and I spoke And you see A beautiful, elegant woman In the shadows In the corner of the room But made of the purest milk chocolate And that's where we're gonna end it I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always Playing Fenton Beasley, The Slide of Dulazese Fucking sick Playing Franklin Stein, The Cutter, Paul Oppers What the hell is a chocolate lady?

It's the Dairy Queen I didn't even cut that! Oh my god! Playing Clover Ivy, Fern the Whisper, Jessica Tai It's me! Thank you to Samuel Quinn Morris for our intro and outro music That you hear at the top and bottom of the show Thank you to our supporters around the world You guys, without whom this show would not be possible And thank you again to our supporters All of you, for listening We'll see you next time