Episode 6 – You Can Lead a Blade to Water, But You Can’t Make it Dark

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corndog addiction Benton's the sly, she sleeps the same And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome, everybody, to Speltmore Mall Brats, the game in which we will be playing the Cool Treat Kids in a slightly different system.

Over the last couple sessions, we have had some debrief sessions afterwards where we talked about how we felt a little bit bogged down by the rules of Blades in the Dark, which isn't to disparage the system at all, it's just to explain that we are stupid, dumb, stupid people. We had slightly too many things to worry about, which slowed us down.

So we are going to be using a stripped-down version of Blades in the Dark called World of Blades by Duan Figueroa, who you can find on Twitter at DuanNFR, D-U-A-M-N-N-F-R, who was very kind to let us play his game on the show. So thank you, Duan. Thank you, Duan. So I will introduce the characters, and you will see one big change that has happened. To my left, playing Fenton Beasley the Slide, Abdul Aziz. Hello, my name is Fenton!

So Abdul has died, and in his place, we have hired English character actor, uh, Vinnie Jones. Thanks so much for having me! Not a lot of people know that my voice is this high. It's good to finally be myself. And right across from me, playing… Can I just say something for a minute? Fucking Al Pacino? No. Can I just say something for a minute? Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Gilbert Godfrey. Oh, God. We're going to get a noise complaint for sure. No. I'm so sorry. No, no. Is it before?

Or 10? It's 10 now. Perfect. That's the last noise we make. That's the last noise we make tonight. We're playing a very quiet game tonight. Exactly. And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the Whisper, Jessica Tai. Hello, how are you all doing? It is me, Jessica Tai. Played by Angela Lansbury. She's dead now, right? Angela Lansbury? If I had anything to do with it, she would be. Yeah, so that's kind of the big change. World of Blades is stripped down much from Blades in the Dark.

The crew system is kind of gone, which we're quite thankful for, to be honest, because we had a lot of trouble with it. Experience is streamlined. There are fewer abilities. The actions and attributes are slightly different. The dice rolling mechanics are slightly different. It's just going to be a little bit quicker for us, which will lead to the snappy, fun sort of gameplay that we are used to. But yeah, that is the biggest change, is that Clover is now available.

So, I'm a Whisper instead of a Leech. Yeah, I'm still a hippie, but I'm not as scientific alchemist kid, but I've taken on the skills of reading horoscopes and astrology stuff. Should we do a quick introduction of your characters for the players? Sure, yeah. Yeah, just go through the pertinent information. I guess we'll start with Clover as the Whisper. Clover Ivy Fern. I kept the same name. I'm still a hippie.

I still have curly lavender hair, and I wear baggy clothes handed down from Greg, the old man. I have one prowess, and then I chose Wreck and a Toon as my actions. I am a Whisper. I chose Ritualist, which is like his hippie things. I can talk to a naturopath, or I can like, look at the stars and figure out what to do, I guess. Yeah, exactly. But I still have my corndogs vice. Still love Seamus Seamason. Wonderful. Paul Oppers. My character is Franklin Stein.

I'm playing a cutter with a special ability, Savage, which allows me to take plus one effect when trying to convince someone. When trying to convince somebody of something? When trying to intimidate someone with a threat of violence. Perfect. What else? My vice is a weird dance crying. Just anger dancing. What about your attributes and actions? Attributes, I have one in skirmish and one in command. And what's your attribute? My attribute is prowess. Cool. Being the cutter. Great. Abdul Aziz.

I'm playing Fenton Beasley. He is a slide, and… And his special ability is mesmerist, which is basically accounts to… People just kind of forget about him almost immediately because he's such a little loser. But they forget about him after he convinces people to do things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll run up to them and be like, I'm going to shit my pants. Can you let me into the movie theater? And they're like, fuck, get out of here, kid. Just go. And then they forget they did that. Yeah.

He has a cane sword still. His dad is still a merchant. His mom loves turds. He's still trying to find out who their patron is. Friend is still Doris the Lunch Lady. Enemy is still Seamuson. But his vice has changed, and now he writes fan fiction. Nice. For a vampire drama that he has been watching. Uh-huh. Yeah. And his is a little bit controversial, mainly because he doesn't understand any of the sex stuff. So he describes it in a real weird way. Yeah. So what about…

What about the other stats that you have? The other parts of your character? What? You didn't do this or that. Oh, right. He's got one in resolve, and his actions are consort and swear. Nice. I love that you were describing your character, and you went right to, he's got a cane sword. Which I noticed, is that going to be permanently checked off? Yeah. You're just always going to have a cane sword? I think so. Sweet. Yeah. So those are the characters. That's that.

Oh, something I realized, which is funny, because Jessica, wants Clover to be bad at stuff. You didn't take study or insight. Oh. So when you use ritualist, you're rolling 2d6 and taking the lowest. Oh. I don't know if I intended that, but I'm going to keep it that way. You're going to keep it that way? You don't want to change anything around? Oh. Everybody gets last minute changes? No, that's it. Everything is the same. It's the same. Also, we changed coin in this game to… Spear bucks.

Spear bucks, which is shitty mall currency. So spear bucks are basically a black market, currency that can only be spent in the mall. But not everywhere. Yeah. Not everywhere. Not everyone accepts them as currency, but most people that live in the mall will accept them as personal currency. Yeah. It's basically like the gold coins from John Wick or new yen from William Gibson's books, that kind of thing. Really fun. Like the dollars you get in school. Yeah. Yes. Like really good deeds. Exactly.

Like a wooden hot dog festival coin. Like a wooden hot dog festival coin. A Johnny Z's token. Johnny Z is a very specific, like an arcade token. I still have a Johnny Z token somewhere. Yeah. You can love those things. So that's where we're at. Mm-hmm. And we open on the Cool Treat Kids in their lair, which we have named the Sugar Shack. It's a beautiful… Does any… Do any of the Cool Treat Kids know what day of the week it is? It's four day. No way. It's four day?

The mall's open seven days a week. Like we have no clue. Yeah. We haven't been outside. We don't even know what season it is right now. Do you know what time it is? Because I imagine not, a lot of light gets into the Sugar Shack. It's day. Yeah. Okay. It's not night. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Those are the… Not even times. There's day and night. It's hobbling hour. What's hobbling hour? It's when we have to like shut ourselves up in the Sugar Shack because like, like hordes of hobnoblins. Yeah.

I think that would be fun if this was early morning then. Yeah. Before the mall opened. Oh, yeah. It's still quiet out. Oh, because we don't… In the morning. We don't know what their morning… What the Cool Treat kids are like in the morning. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So let's do a quick… Okay. The sun… Sun rises in the windows of the mall coming in through the skylights outside. Fenton Beasley. Fenton… Where does he sleep? Fenton sleeps in like a little hole. Okay. What does that mean?

We realized just before we started playing that Abdul has been awake for like 22 hours. Yeah. I forgot that I haven't slept in a long time. So Fenton sleeps in a little hole in the wall, in the floor. There's an old floor safe. Yeah. He sleeps in a safe. It feels safe. He's trying to find a safe place. Yeah. So he chose a safe. Yeah. And he just like, stuffed a bunch of blankets in there and he sleeps in there. Nice. And then sometimes… The lid closes. Yeah.

The lid closes and then they have to hire a locksman to come in. So what's he do in the morning? What's his morning routine? He'll wake up. He will eat a chocolate bar first thing. Immediately give himself some pep to get out of that safe because that door is heavy. He takes a chocolate bar in there with him. And then he goes to bed at midnight. Sorry. I was just imagining. Oh man, a big night.

I'm imagining his eyes fluttering open and him being like, and then jamming a chocolate bar in his mouth and then going, a little soggy chocolate bar from the night. It's all sweaty. Yeah. He then will reward himself for getting out of the safe with a secondary chocolate bar. He leaves it outside of the safe in the night. For motivation. Yeah. Because he's like, I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to go to bed.

I know that second bar is out there and I'm going to get there and have it. He just leaves chocolate bars at all the things that he wouldn't buy his two. He leaves a trail of chocolate bars to all the different hobnoblin traps that he has to check. Oh yeah. He'll like spin the cages and then like toss them through the… Shove them out the vending machine? The vending machine. Yeah. And then he… I was thinking like brush teeth, but probably not. He's had breakfast. Probably doesn't bathe.

Not going to brush his teeth. It's not spring, so he's not bathing. He does need to piss, so he'll go out and piss in the chocolate lake or shit. Right. Because Fenton has to use the bad toilet. Yeah. Which is the one that's in the abandoned chocolate. He doesn't have to. It's only when he has like diarrhea that we make him. But the amount of chocolate I eat is like… It's always diarrhea. Yeah. I think I might be allergic to chocolate. Might be lactose intolerant.

He's saying, as he's eating a giant chocolate bar. Pissing into a chocolate lake. Yeah. Sick. Okay. Franklin Stein. Where's Franklin sleep? What's his zone? He sleeps on an army cot. Nice. That he made. First thing he does is drinks a lot of water. And then he waters all of his plants, all the plants. There's lots of plants. He's got plants? And he cleans the little windows, the gunk on the windows to let more light in for the morning. It's kind of like opening the curtains. Nice.

He has a squeegee because all the dust and gross shit. From the old chocolate factory smudges up the windows every night. Overnight? Yeah. Wow. This is a really bad place for us to live. Yeah. So is this actually doing okay being in the safe? Way better off. So this is purely just for me. Is it like… Because I always imagine the sugar shack as being a little chocolate store built inside of a huge corridor. Yeah. Like Rogers chocolate downtown. Yeah. But then inside of a mall. Yeah.

So is it like skylight in the building and then skylight in the room? No. There's like a… There's a skylight in the roof? There's a skylight in the roof above. Oh, and then it just… And he's found a way of like going up there. And so he has like a little plant area up there. Oh, on the roof. Oh, cool. You have a roof guard. Yeah. Above on the sugar shack roof, but below the huge… Like a loft kind of? Yeah. Like a loft. Oh, like the actual Rogers chocolate downtown. Nice. Yeah. Clover.

What's Clover's morning like? Where's… What's her zone? I sleep in a hammock in like the candy making zone. Mm-hmm. And I wake up every morning to Fenton doing his… Hobnoblin' stuff. You hear a bunch of cages rattling from the other room? Yeah. And they're like… You hear me getting bit a few times. Yeah. Do we have any Bactine? When she wakes up, she does a sun pose like for yoga. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. For like five minutes.

And then she drinks warm lemon water with a bunch of tinctures that are really gross. And then she… Usually will join Franklin upstairs. I also forgot one morning routine. Uh-huh. Which is I roll over. The first thing I see in my hammock against the wall is a painting of Seamus Seamason. Yeah. And I kiss it. And when she does that, like she like walks away. And then like behind her in the distance, you see Fenton like with a little fake gun. Like… Put it at her. Put it at her. And she…

Every morning? Yeah. He does the fake… Slingshot. Motherfucker. And I'm like, stop it, Fenty. She doesn't know that I do it. Oh, fuck. I do it in secret. But it's… Yeah. In the far background. Yeah. So cute. Or maybe she does know. He's an idiot. I do know because I hear it ricochet off the photo. And I'm like… Wait, is it a real slingshot? Uh, yeah. Okay. Sick. So yeah, that's the morning. And then you all kind of come together. What are the cool treat kids want to get up to?

It's been a couple weeks since your disastrous appearance at Jemsey Cobblington's birthday party. You've had some time to just go about your day, but like, you kind of got that itch in your gut for some shenanigans. So what are the cool treat kids thinking? Clover and Franklin are on the roof of the sugar shack, tending to Franklin's plants. Cleaning the gunk off the window hole and super bright. When Franklin was watering the plants, we were like, it looks pretty sunny today. It's pretty nice.

Yeah. We're like, oh my God, spring is coming probably. Yeah. That makes us think of summer, which makes us think of getting in the pool. Do you want to, I want to go for a swim today. Fenton! I come upstairs and I am like in the process of shaking the shit out of a hobgoblin cage. Do you want to go for a swim today? Well, yeah. Where? There is a water park in the High Spear Mall. Yeah, let's sneak into the water park. Yeah, let's sneak into the water park.

Were perhaps the Cool Tree Kids previously banned from the water park? Yes, because of Fenton's diarrhea. Yeah, diarrhea in the wave pool. It was a disaster. It took so long to clean because they couldn't shut the wave pool off. Yeah, no one can shut the wave pool off. The wave pool runs continuously. And no one knows how. It's an old wizard artifact. Yeah. Wait, why don't we go in, why don't we try and get in Crystal Pool today? Oh. What's Crystal Pool? You're gonna love it. It's so fancy.

I heard they give virgin pina coladas too. So Crystal Pool is like the nice part of the water park? Well, it's like the rich kids go there because you have to pay to get in. So it's upper class for sure. Oh, fuck. It's so funny when this kid swims. That sounds fucking legit. I'm gonna go get my formal trunks on. Those are my swimsuits with a cap. Those are my swimsuits with a cummerbund on them. And they've got tassels on them. Okay. It looks like a kite. Yeah. Oh my God. Wait, what?

What do you mean? You know like the tassel part on the butt of a kite? Oh, it has a tail? Yeah. Okay, well, so get your trunks and we'll meet downstairs. This is a great idea. I'm very excited. How much is it to get in? It doesn't matter. We're gonna try and break in. All right, so that's the plan. The Cool Treat kids are gonna try and break into the water park in Diamond Crystal Pool. So I guess the first order of business is to find out how you sneak in. Oh, swimming class. Swimming lessons.

Oh yeah. How do we enroll in a swim class? You would have to basically try and sneak in with a group of kids that are going in for swim class. Okay. Trying to sneak in. Yeah. So then half an hour later, we cut to outside. Outside the Crystal Pool. What are we all wearing? What are we all wearing? Fenton. I'm wearing my formal swim trunks, which is black trunks with a cummerbund on top. There's a tassel coming off of the back. And then there's a necktie that's like in front of my crotch, I guess.

It's a belt that goes down and it's a double Windsor knot. They're so small. Oh yeah. It's like the Speedo shorts. Yeah. It's pretty fat. So it is like bunched at the top. I've got muffin tops at the top and muffin bottoms at the bottom. And you didn't come with like a shirt or pants over that? You're just there? No. I do have a snorkel though for emergencies. An emergency snorkel, great. Franklin Stein. He's got big red board shorts and pool Crocs, Mm-hmm.

Camouflage pool Crocs, three towels, a bunch, a lot of towels. Oh, and I like a house coat. And he has his lucky swimming shirt on. What's his lucky swimming shirt? Yeah, he's got porpoise all over it. Oh, nice. Yeah. And what's Clover wearing? Clover's wearing a polka dot one piece swimsuit with, and it's got like little frilly skirt kind of thing, like the nineties swimsuit had. Totally. She's just barefoot and she has two pool noodles and a life jacket on. Is she afraid of swimming? Yeah.

She doesn't know how to swim. Yeah. But she likes to think of herself as a water baby. Uh-huh. She's not. Yeah, she's Aquarius. Yeah. It's a water sign. Great, so yeah, you're gathered outside the entrance to the water park and you're in amongst this group of kids that definitely seem like they're from the nicer part of the mall and they all know each other, they're talking, Mm-hmm. And they all know each other, they're talking, and they're all like, and laughing, horsing around.

And there is like a 20 year old woman who is very clearly the teacher for the class. And she's like, okay, everybody, okay. Coming close, coming close, got to count heads. And she starts counting down the line while looking at a clipboard. And you know that if she gets to the three of you, there'll be too many people. So what do you do? I have a plan. Okay. You know that thing where like someone's counting and then you just start saying numbers to fuck them up. Uh-huh.

As Fenton starts doing that to try and like replace numbers that she's counting. Okay. So she's like, one, two, three, four. And then Fenton's like 17, 18, 19, 20. What are we doing? Yeah. How do you want to roll that? What action do you want? I think sway. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So two D six? Five. Five, that's great. So you succeed, but you suffer some kind of consequence. And I think it's just going to be that one of the swimmer kids is going to be like, you don't belong.

And it's going to be keeping an eye on you. Who's that? I don't know why the name Jeremy always comes to mind. But it's a real skinny, blonde. He looks a lot like Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell, but how he would actually be instead of the cool kid on the show, like he's just a real rich, snotty piece of shit. And you start doing the counting. And you're like, oh, I'm just going to do the counting thing and clapping. And all the kids are like, just saying random numbers. Yeah. 955. Ha ha.

Everybody's having such a fun time that the teacher's like, oh, okay, you kids. Ha ha ha. You're going to be the death of me. Come on, let's go. And then starts leading everybody into the into the swimming pool. And what does Jeremy say? Jeremy walks up behind you, Fenton, and is like, who are you? Oh, I'm Franklin Stein. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I've never heard of you. You're this is a closed class. Have you ever heard of Stein beer? No. Should I have? Yeah. Yeah. Unless you're fucking poor.

Oh, you're not poor. Are you? Are you all like acting in concert? Did I just hear someone's poor? Oh, I think Jeremy's poor. Oh, my God. Poor. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. The five is the best. And you take one stress because Clover failed. Yeah.

So everybody starts making fun of Jeremy. Yeah. Because they're like, wow, did you hear Jeremy is poor? And it's like, oh my God, I don't want to be a poor person. And they're all just like needling him. They know that he's not poor, but now they're just making fun of him. And he's like, no, I'm rich. My dad is so rich. And my mom is even richer than my dad. I'm 100% rich, guys. Please. You have to. And it's just his ire has been misdirected from you momentarily.

Have we gotten through the gates of Crystal Pool? Yeah. You're being led into the pool and you see the security guard who banned you last time is working today. Oh. But you're inside this group of rich kids. But now you know that this security guard whose name is Wendy. Wendy. Wendy Mug. Wendy Mug. Right. Wendy Mug. Wendy Mug is working security at the pool today. So she's going to be around, too, as you're trying to have as much fun as you can at this water park today.

Like, if she sees you, it's over. Hey, guys, let's slip away from the group. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. So what are you rolling to sneak away? I have one prowess. Yeah, that's great. So that means that Clover rolls one. Oh, I have one in prowess as well. Oh, then you roll one as well. So this would be another group action. Who's going to be the leader? I'll be the leader. I'll be the leader. Hey, guys, get behind my pool noodles. Oh, yeah. You're trying to cover up with pool noodles and shit?

Yeah. So, yeah. There you go. Not good. Six. One. I got two. So that means that Clover takes two stress as the leader. But the six of Franklin means that you succeed completely. Wow. Cool. So just as the group gets in, the teacher's leading them towards, like, the kid pool to start their lesson. And you just… You just move to the side and you're a mess of pool noodles. And you guys slip off into the general population of the crystal pool. Hell, yeah. We are in. Fuck. What?

I just ate too much chocolate this morning. Do you want to… You should use the bathroom first so we don't do the thing that happened last time. Right. Pretty gross. Good idea. And I start, like, hustling towards the bathroom. But I take a champagne flute full of chocolate milk as I go. And I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. It's gonna be a while. I need something to keep me energized. Oh, he has a good point. So I grab two of them. And I down them at the same time. Yeah.

And I go to the ladies' room. Okay. Yeah. So, Fenton, you go into the bathroom. It's the nicest bathroom you've ever seen. What does the nicest bathroom that Fenton has ever seen look like? There's a bowl of mints. Whoa. And there's… Yeah, there's an old man in here. The classic old man to, like, dry your hands. Yeah. The bowl of mints. And there's a hand dryer. Yeah, it's a guy with a towel. No, there's a… A real… Air hand dryer. Whoa. What's this weirdo doing there?

I think he's just, like… Lonely. Yeah. The hand dryer… It's actually just a bunch of elves in there that scream all at the same time. The air pressure just dries your hands eventually? Yeah, they just, like, blow on your hand. Great. And you just head right to the stall. Yeah, I grab a handful of mints. Okay. I throw them in the champagne flute. You're only supposed to take one minute at a time, little boy. Hey, buddy. Don't tell me how to do it. My dad makes beer or something.

He's not even gonna stop you. He doesn't get paid enough. And Clover goes to the women's bathroom. What's the nicest women's bathroom Clover's ever seen look like? Well, this one has a chaise lounge in it. Whoa. Yeah, and a full-length mirror. All the women leave, they're, like… Accessories and other things on the counters. Mmm. And I spy some sunglasses and I want to take them. Okay. That is going to be… How are you… What are you rolling to take them? I suppose… Finesse.

Yeah, so you're just rolling the one die. Two. I got two! I fucking suck! A one to three is a failure, so… With the way that stress works, you can choose to take stress. Mm-hmm. So it'll cost you two stress if you want to, like, avoid the stress. Avoid the potential negative consequences. Sure, I'll take two stress, because YOLO. Yeah. So you reach for these really nice sunglasses that you see on the counter. Mm-hmm.

And just as you're about to grab them, the stall behind you bangs open and this middle-aged lady in a one-piece comes out. She's very plump and motherly. She's like, Oh, dear, hello, how are you? Oh, I'm good. I just… Silly me, I forgot my sunglasses. Are these your sun… These are my sunglasses, dear. What? I run away. Wait, wait, wait! And then you're gone. Yeah. Yeah, but you don't get the sunglasses, and now you're just stressed out because a mom almost caught you stealing.

I know, so I'm sad, and I, like, go hide in the wave pool. Yeah. What's Franklin been up to? He's trying to go hit on one of the lifeguards, but he's surrounded by girls. He can't. He can't. They're all like, Ooh, who's this new kid? I'm not new. I'm actually really old. Excuse me. And he's just, like, putting his hand on their face. Like, I'm sorry. Can I just slip? No, yeah. No, it's mine. No, they're… Sorry. No, they're porpy. Porpy. They're porpuses. Thank you. Can I have… Can you…

Do you guys have any… Wait, what are porpuses? On his shirt. His shirt has porpuses. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Who's this lifeguard? Oof. Oh. What's her name? Let's see. Mindy. Mindy. Yeah, Mindy's great. So her name's Mindy. She is 15. She's got long, dark hair. And she looks like she swims a lot. You know what I mean? Yeah, she's cool. Yeah, she is cool. I was imagining all the lifeguards that I had crushes on when I was in school.

And, like, she's got, like, a headband on and her hair is naturally crimped because it's always wet. Oh, yep. Yeah. Nice texture in there from all the chlorine. Mm-hmm. Also, I don't know why that she… He knows that she's also a dancer. Oh. Ballerina dancer. I like that. Yeah. Mindy is, like, he's trying to be, like, cool and be like, I just want to, like, make out with a chick. But he actually wants to win the dance contest. Sick. And he's trying to find the best partner.

And he's heard that Mindy is the lifeguard at Crystal Pool. And he wants to actually kind of do this, like, legit kind of, like, out-of-his-character dance contest. Oh, my God. This is Havana night. This is dirty dancing Havana night. This is dirty dancing Havana days. Oh. Oh. Diego Luna. Seen it. Love it. I love it. It's great. Love it. Yeah. So, do you, like, work here or… I work out here. And then he flexes his guns a little bit. Flexes his 13-year-old bicep. Yeah. And it's…

There's nothing there. And he's like… And he puts his hands above his head. And he's like, I lost my beach balls about this big. It's about… Yay, big around. He brings them down. He's like, I like to hold up behind my back. This strikes me as a consort of some kind. I don't think I've seen you before. It's pretty exclusive clientele. I think you would remember me. I think I would remember. You've seen me. I've definitely seen you. And he hasn't. Yeah, well, I have this… I have this chair.

It puts me pretty high up in the air. Most people see me. Oh, yeah. That's your chair? Yeah, this is my chair. Yeah, what's up? What's up? What's up? Your chair's up. His upper lip starts sweating a little bit. Like, how old are you? I'm 16. How old are you? Sorry. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, I'm 16 in a bit. I'll be 16 later on. I'll be… 16 in a few little bits. This seems like it would be like a consort kind of thing. Or what about a command? No, command is like ordering people around.

You will dance with me, Mindy. Well, here's the thing. This is risky because… This is kind of desperate, actually. Because you're 13. She doesn't know who you are. And you're trying to get in good with her. And she's just trying to work. Okay, what if I… What if you used a little bit of finesse? Then I can use my prowess to, like, kind of do some flourishing, little dance moves.

And so, like, he does a little sashay up to the side of the pool and then tries to do, like, a really cool dive in. Yeah, so this would be Desperate Limited. Ooh. Classic pool thing. Like, trying to impress a girl is, like, the high dive. Oh, yeah. Like, if you want to do, like, a fancy dive. Yeah. That's a desperate move where you're just like, all right, babe. Yeah, and he's like, Franklin does not like heights. Yeah. So, I got to, like, get back to work and stuff.

Yeah, so I'm just going to… I'm just going to do the thing I do all the time. I'm just going to jump off the high dive. Whatever. Okay. You should check this out. You should probably watch me do this. Hey, I like you. Her hair style. Around the pool, it's noticeably nice. Thank you. Hey, thank you. And then she starts climbing back up her chair. Okay, and then he walks over to, like, the… He's walking by the small diving board, like, damn it, I wish I could…

Like, he just knows that he can't. That's not impressive. And then the middle one is, like, that's still not impressive. So, then he's slowly climbing up the very high one, and it's so much higher than he wants it to be. And his, like, knees are going nuts. And then he starts doing the running man. Not to the end of the diving board. Because he's stalling. He's stalling so hard. Because the running man takes twice as long as walking. Yeah, totally.

And he gets out to the end of the diving board, and he's like… And he, like, puts his hands up over his head. He's about to dive, and then he does the moonwalk back to the beginning of the diving board. Just stall a little bit more. And then he walks up to the front, does, like, a tango up, and he's, like, looking over at Mindy. And what's she doing? She's watching against her better judgment. Okay, he pirouettes and then dives off backwards. Okay, so roll…

I guess it would just be prowess, because you don't have finesse or whatever. Just one? Yeah, just one. Four. Ooh. Okay. So four to five partial success. So, again, this is… Since it was limited effect, you've, like, achieved that. So it'll have, like, planted the seed for you to pursue her as a dance partner further. I'll take it. Okay, so you do some cool dance moves off the diving board. You do the running man. You do the electric slide. You do the worm. And only gently crush your penis.

And… Which is my favorite. Favorite album. Yeah. And then you go dive, sploosh, right into the water. You're so proud of yourself. You crest the surface of the water, triumphant. And then you see, four feet away, your swim trunks floating on the surface of the pool. Classic. And sailing away more and more with every passing second. Damn it. And we cut to Fenton Beasley. He's, like, sitting on the edge of the counter in the men's washroom and just talking to that old guy. Nice.

He's telling me so many stories, and I am fucking wrapped. Yeah, so, you know, I was about 45 years old. Fenton's, like, kicking his legs. And I realized, I looked outside, and I realized the door was open, and the goddang pig had gotten away. That was your favorite pig, too. My favorite pig, and in her mouth, my favorite pair of slacks. And I thought to myself, what's a pig gonna do with a pair of slacks? What happened? I went outside. She was wearing the dang things. He pops up a mint. Yeah.

He's been eating them like popcorn, basically. Drinking them out of the flute. Yeah. Like, the flute is full of mints, and he's swirling it like wine. Yeah. Taking a sip. Not even chewing them, just swallowing. Like a duck. Yeah. Cut to Clove Rivey Fern. What's she doing? Well, she's still in the wave pool, and she's feeling, like, pretty embarrassed about getting caught. But she does spy Seamus in the wave pool as well. Way further, like, kind of in the deep end. And he's looking, like, taut.

He's looking good. He gets onto, like, one of those big floaties. Oh, yeah. I don't know any of the technical. Inner tube. Yeah. He gets into one of those, and, like, a lot of the kids have them, because, like, that's the whole point of the wave pool. So I, like, so I grab both my noodles, and I, like, kind of swim towards them. Like, well, I gotta look cool. Like, and so I come up with a plan to bump into him by accident. Oh. Yeah.

So I swim, like, all the way to, like, the edge of the deep as part of the wave pool, because my plan is to crash into him and be like, oh, I didn't see you there. Yeah, totally. What would you be using? Would wreck count? Like, if it's, like, smashing into him? Yeah, that wreck totally makes sense. I want to hit him hard enough that he notices me. It's totally, like, the kind of thing that, like, overzealous crushes. A crush happens where you, like, go too far. Oh, I know.

I have done all these things. Why am I so bad at this? I got two threes. Two threes. Those are failures. So I think it's that you swim out into the deep end of the pool, and you do get out there, and the waves start throwing you back, but the wave is bigger than you expect it to be, and you get pushed basically under Seamus in, Yeah. And you swallow, a lot of pool water. Oh, I do. I swallow so much pool water. Yeah, so you're just going to be feeling off for basically the rest of your time here.

When I get to the surface, I'm, like, sputtering so much, and, like, coughing up so much water, and I have, like, boogers coming up. Yeah, totally. And Seamus makes eye contact with me. With your boogers? With my boogers. And he doesn't even engage in the, like, cat and mouse repartee you usually have. He just paddles in the opposite direction. Wait. Wait. Seamus. And he is just, Help me. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you're trying to look cool, but, like, an adult, Yeah.

Like, lifeguard sees you sputtering and goes, Tweet, on their whistle, and dives in, and paddles out and makes a huge show Yeah. Of grabbing you and swimming you to the side. Wait, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Like, you don't have to do this. I've, No, don't worry, little lady. I'm getting you out of here. I'm saving your life. I'm saving your life. No problem.

Your life is in my hands. And all the kids watch this happen, and it's so embarrassing. So you swallow a bunch of pool water, and you're fucking mortified. The lifeguard, who has a big handlebar mustache and, like, a gut that's barely being contained by his polo shirt and his tight red shorts, is, like, doing CPR on you, or is trying, and you keep trying to get up, and he's like, No, I got you. I gotta restart your heart. I'm like, I'm fine. Like, let go of me, and I stalk off. All right.

Well, it's good to know another life has been saved today. He straightens his cap. Cut back to Fenton Beasley. Still sitting on the edge of the counter, but all of the elves from the hand dryer are sitting next to me, and we're all listening and swinging our legs. I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. So my fifth marriage was, by all accounts, an accident. And I know what you're thinking. In what way?

So this is the fifth one. The fifth. So the first one was Monica. True love. Yeah. And you guys got married in the sun, right? Yeah, we were outside, but it's because we were homeless. And then the second one was Rita. Yep. True love. And then the third one was the second one was the second one was the second one was the second one was the second one was Rita. And then the third one was the second one was True love. And then Turns out Monica was the fake one. Yeah. Oh.

I just realized what you were doing. Let's keep going. And the third one was Nina? You don't know all of them? I was hoping that people would be able to feed me these. They're gonna keep being sweet. Little bit of Monica in my life. A little bit of Jessica by my side. Yeah, second one was Jessica. Little bit of Rita's all I need. Third one's Rita. Little bit of Tina's all I need. Little bit of Tina's all I need. I'm gonna let's see. Little bit of Sandra. I'm gonna let's see. Okay.

Little bit of Sandra. So this is the last Sandra's son. Sandra's the last And her son. This guy's name is Lubiga by the way. Yeah. Lou. His first name's One word. His first name's Lubiga. Yeah. And his last name's mama number five. Yeah. It's cut away? You just wanna keep cutting back or does Fenton have a plan? The plan is to collect a delightful story about a man's life. It'd be funny if this was for your fan fiction. Oh yeah. That's so good. That's really good.

That's a good- Fenton is taking notes. Yeah. He always needs characters. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, my fifth wife, Sandra, she was by all accounts an accidental marriage. How? Well, I just woke up one day and I was in a tuxedo in front of a priest of some kind. I still don't know what. Oh, okay. So you were in a tuxedo? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo.

I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. To Franklin Stein, I guess. There's like a five-year-old kid who's swimming around playing with your shorts.

Command. I'm going to tell that kid to give them to me. Four. Four. You get your shorts back. You go up to the little kid and just say, give me those fucking shorts. Those are my shorts. You don't want to touch them. And the kid just lets them float back to you. But then a very intense looking woman with a very short angular haircut is just off the side of the pool like, why are you talking to my son? What? Why are you talking to my son? I don't know you. He doesn't know you. Do you know him?

Yeah, that's his little just, hey. Yeah, I taught him in swim class. He's putting his shorts back on. That sounds like a sway to me. One. Oof. You can spend two stress to avoid those consequences. Yeah, I will. Okay, cool. Yeah, because she was… She was going to rat you out hard. But instead, she's just like, Chesterman, come over here. Come over here. Get away from this strange boy. And she pulls her kid out of the pool and wanders away. What's Clover doing now that she's been saved?

Her life has been bodily saved. She's sitting at one of the drink bars having a smoothie and a wheatgrass shot. And she's just like, keep them coming. There's a… There's a guy with a striped shirt and those little elastics around the sleeves and a curled mustache washing a glass. Hard day, huh? Yeah, it was pretty tough. What's on your mind, little lady? Well, it's just hard because, like, when you love someone, they don't return your love. And… He just doesn't notice me, you know?

Why do you think he doesn't notice you? Because he's stupid, or I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just an ugly nerd. Oh, darling, you're not ugly. Really? And I say that and I still have the dry boogers under my nose. A wheatgrass mustache? Yeah. The beautiful thing about a chlorine pool is it's the great equalizer. Everybody looks awful coming out of one of those. I guess that's true. I don't know. Do you have any… Do you have any advice for love? My advice is, uh…

There's only one person you can trust to love you unconditionally. Oh, my God. Who's that? That's the Lord of the Flame, little lady. Have you heard the good word? Oh, Jesus. Take my smoothie away. Your heart can burn for eternity. Gone. What's Clover doing now that Seamus has been scared off? So she's taking her smoothie away with her because the dude started preaching about the Lord of the Flame and she's like, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in that garbage.

And she sees Seamus in, uh, like, at a snack cart. And she's like, I could just, like… I could try again. Whatever. Yeah, he's eating. He's very unhappily eating a hot dog. Unhappily? Hey. Yeah, he's just like, he takes a bite and he throws it down on his plate in disgust. And he's still got a big inner tube around his waist. Okay. Clover wipes her face of her tears and she walks up to Seamus. Ugh. Oh, what's going on? Oh, it's you.

Well, I just saw you, like, get really sad about that hot dog. It's just trash. This is definitely not Hot Meat Boys material. Oh, I bet. I mean, you guys make the best stuff, obviously. Well, it's fine. It's better than fine. It's the finest meats that you can acquire inside the High Spear Mall. I don't know where they're getting their meats from the Steakums, probably. That sounds super gross. It is super gross. Hey. What? Why are you talking to me like this? I don't know.

I was just walking by. Wait, how do I flirt? She says to herself out loud. Are you going to eat that hot dog? You going to eat that hot dog? No, probably not. I was going to eat a little bit more of it. You're going to have to convince him. Sway, probably? Yeah. I mean, if it's not to your standards, like, I'll eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. Do you want to resist at all? No, I have.

I'm like almost traumatized. Wow. Yeah. He goes, you know what? You can have the whole thing. It's garbage. You're used to eating garbage, aren't you? And he throws it and it baps off your face. Oh, my God. And then he walks away in his inner tube. Boing, boing, boing. Yeah. Clover cries. Yeah. And runs back into the bathroom. Oh, yeah. Cut back to Fenton Beasley. Okay. And he's sitting in a garbage can eating a piece of pizza that someone threw out. He's left the bathroom?

Yeah, he's left the bathroom. But he only got to the garbages right outside of the bathroom. And he's like, people are throwing away half-eaten pizzas? Okay. Uh-huh. I guess I'm in heaven now. And this is a good opportunity for Fenton to think about what he wants out of his visit to the Crystal Pool. What is the most desirable thing about going to the Crystal Pool? Big-ass slide, probably. Huge slide. Huge slide. Cool slide. Cool slide. Fun ride. He sees a pamphlet inside. He looks at it.

He's like, cool slide. Fun ride. Hey. And he looks up and he looks at the big, giant slide. It is bright yellow. It goes all the way up to the ceiling. Like, it takes five minutes to walk up the stairs to even get to the slide. And they said that one time a kid went so fast down the slide that his skeleton came out and arrived at the bottom. The ceiling. It's like separate from his body. Whoa. Yeah. That's the rumor. And it's called the serpent. Whoa. Yeah. It's also a race. Yes. It is a race.

Uh-huh. There's two slides next to each other. There are tubes of three people on either side. Uh-huh. And if you win, like if you get the best time of the season, then you get a free membership to next year at the Crystal Pool. Ooh. Ooh, yeah. Pretty good. Free year membership. Free membership. Maybe that's why Seamus is here. He's trying to get a free membership for the Hot Meat Boys because that's like you can pawn that for moolah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Stakes now. Yeah.

So Fenton is reading this pamphlet and he sees Clover coming towards him crying. What does he do? He pops his head out of the garbage can. He's like, Clover, what's wrong? Oh, I just like, it just got hot dog thrown in my face. I don't know if this is going to make you feel better or worse, but there's a whole, there's a whole vegetarian pizza in here if you want to climb in here and eat it with me. Yeah, okay. So I scramble up to the edge of the garbage can.

What little fucking street rats we are. Pop in this garbage can. And I like, I dangle over and I grab her by the wrists and I haul her up into this can. Okay. And I'm like, can you imagine someone throwing out an entire spinach and artichoke pizza? This is amazing. What a life. Oh my God. Thank you. It's like we died and went to the dumpster behind heaven's restaurant. This is the best pizza I've ever eaten.

I don't know if it's my hormones from being rejected or the fact that I'm a street urchin, but this garbage pizza is delicious. And then I'm like, what happened? Why are you crying? I'm crying.

Well, I mean, I was just trying to talk to Seamus and then he like was in a really bad mood and then he probably didn't mean to, but he kind of like threw his hot dog and it like somehow hit me in the face and I just looked really like uncool in front of him and now I have all this ketchup and mustards on my face and relish and chopped onions and there's a lot of stuff. It was mostly toppings. Yeah. And hot peppers and melted cheese. It was like a Chicago dog, I guess.

And I think there's some beans in here. And I like, I do, I do a thing I saw in one of the teen dramas that I watch and I'm like, I put my finger to her lip and it squishes into all the condiments that are on her face and I'm like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. What are you doing? And I'm like, I don't see a person with a bunch of condiments on their face and I take like a piece of cheese pizza and I wipe it off. Wow. I wipe it with the cheese pizza. I present it to her.

I'm like, I see a genius who just made a new kind of pizza. Oh, jeez. I actually spit in Jessica's face. Oh my God. Wow. I threw the microphone. That was fine. So when Fenton blows on it, he blows too hard and it just blows it back on my face. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It is literally what just happened here where I blow on it, but my, my lips have too much saliva on them and then I accidentally spit in her mouth.

Fenton, that was way worse than what just happened. Nothing is going right today. Nothing's going to go right ever again for any of us until we show Seamus that he's a little fuck. I don't give a fuck.

Just getting progressively more adult with his insults yeah you make really good reasonable points this is how I know that she is at rock bottom she's agreeing with you it's not good yeah I gotta show him I gotta look cool in front of seamus I gotta make him realize that I'm the true his true love that not love that I'm really cool and I'm like okay cool and I reach forward and pick a huge booger off of her face and I'm like that was distracting okay I have a plan okay and I'm like I I hold up the pamphlet I'm like boom and I show like I show her the race and I'm like the snake the serpent serpent sorry I have had a lot of minutes to everything looks like snakes yeah you smell really clean thank you yeah it's only a smell and like the serpent is a water slide slash race slash cannonball run to the death wow that's probably what he's doing here he's probably trying to get the fucking membership he did have an inner tube on he did have an inner tube on oh okay get your fucking self-respect back you're right girl and then he does those three snaps I'm gonna go slide down that tube and I'm gonna make seamus slide down the tube with me no we have to we're on opposite teams oh yeah yeah we're challenging him yeah high five franklin's like did I he's like comes in oh he tries his shorts around backwards did you hear all that I mean I saw you guys high-fiving we just came up with a plan to impress everyone at the pool I'm in okay what would impress mindy more than winning this serpent race exactly you want so yeah so you're trying to impress mindy clover's trying to impress seamus and fenton's trying to impress clover yeah like it's classic kid shit what a tangled web we weave and then he takes a piece of pizza out of his pocket his cargo short and it's he's turned it into a taco with a bunch of mints in it oh my god he is gonna have the wildest diarrhea later he's gonna get colon cancer before he's 20 didn't even chew it yeah so seamus is hanging out by the edge of the wave pool in one of the calm sections you know when you're in an inner tube but you're like basically sitting down so your feet are just sticking up yeah he's doing that with a couple other hot meat boys and what a power pose that is yeah it's very awkward looking uh so him and some hot meat boys are just hanging out and he's like oh my god I'm gonna get a hot meat boy and he's like oh my god and they're doing it in a way where they're trying to avoid security as well and you get the idea that maybe they're not supposed to be here or they're here under false pretenses of some kind so we're all together right hell yeah yeah but we're backing you up so I'm heading the group and I've got ben and franklin to my side kind of behind me a little bit and we walk up to seamus and his group and our shadows of our bodies cast wait okay we cast fucking hell no you're doing it you're doing it doing it this is cool all right and as we walk up we cast the you're doing it peter no I'm doing it peter we cast the shadow to end all shadows this is the number of false starts that we've actually done because all of us clover's like I have it in my head I know I know what it looks like she gets us to back up again yeah yeah yeah okay frankly your shorts are backwards it's a oh my god oh my god they've been like this though was this been the whole time the whole entire time yeah definitely the whole time are you just noticing this or you're just telling me what's happening I noticed it before but I thought it was cool I've got a boner at the back I noticed it before and I thought it was cool and that's then that you realize fenton shorts are also and the tail is on the front now and it looks wild okay I guess because he keeps playing with it that's the problem stop that you don't know what that looks like she keeps smacking my hair yeah all right start again okay we walk up slow-mo synchronized and the shadows of our bodies are cast on the hot meat boys and seamus whips his head around oh I thought it was just the little candy freak but it's the entire gumdrop gang what do you call yourselves again shut up seamus a cool treat kids actually gumdrop game is not that bad yeah good name high five franklin high fives but fenton did hold his hand up for like 10 seconds yeah for seamus to high five and seamus just floats in the water it was a long dead second I'm gonna I'm challenging you to a a challenge are you in seamus what what challenge you can't just say I'm challenging you to a challenge and expect me to understand what you're doing I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that you're talking about I think you understand you smarmy little git do you want to duel me yeah via the serpent slide and you hear all the kids around go unless you're not brave enough seamus because you know what I know I'm going down that ooh that's right and I'm going down it with her and so is he you slapping no no no no no no no no no no no no no every single word of that I hate it what I love them all I'll bleep it out um and franklin looks up that the slide when he says like we're going down it and he's just like like a long look up yeah the established fear of heights oh no so all the kids are like oh this challenge it's a challenge and official challenge and you hear a chant start that's like serpent slide serpent slide serpent slide yeah so uh so you're gonna have to roll something you are in a controlled position because you have invoked the what are you chicken rule are you guys is anyone aiding yeah we're all aiding intimidation so I get what's the savage aid would just be you take a point of stress and she gets another die cool so for each of you that takes a point of stress clover gets an additional die five five go oh yes yes yes yes yes so clover shameson is like oh no one challenges shames shameson and lives to see another day well some people they generally live I've never hurt anyone really because I'm a pacifist but I'll accept your challenge clover ivy fur very well me and these two dipshits they're coming with me who are the two dipshits uh they're uh fenton asked that who are the dipshits who are your dipshits we're we're wondering because we're the dipshits in this situation this is this is cob and kristoff yeah yes they're just hot meat boys don't worry about them they they would have been nameless had you not asked but they'll be racing with me there's gonna be a spinoff with those two carbon krista for sure so there's all this kid activity and franklin you see wendy the security guard that banned you guys from the water park start walking over he wants he kicks he kicks he kicks shames into the water as hard as he can and he's upside down so maybe he'll like start drowning and then he'll create a commotion he's gonna skirmish to his prowess and kicks shames okay I'll aid oh what if he what if franklin wait they have a move yeah yeah yeah he picks him up you know when you launch a kid in the water park and he's like oh my god I'm gonna pool oh yeah so franklin launches benton at the opposite side of because he's sitting on half of his inner tube like in the shallows yeah he launches them on the opposite side so yeah sick move so you get so you take a point of stress and that gives franklin an additional die thank you sick so this is risky skirmish prowess skirmish risky but great effect not desperate no not desperate for four okay so that's a mixed success yeah who can say what the wind blows where the sky grows and I look like a kite now because I have that thing yes but now it's going down between your legs and out your butt cheeks and where we belong and my fucking schnutz are going towards that's first coming in schnutz is this fenton offering to take the consequences from this failure uh hell yeah launch me dude this could be you taking harm like the less effect harm because you totally just land your nuts right in seamus's face and then for the rest of the day you're gonna do you're gonna have that like like that kind of wave of discomfort after you take a real shot in the balls I feel like I have to toot I feel like I have to poo but like up you know that feeling if you guys ever had that oh yeah so yeah so you uh check off less effect and we see this beautiful shot of franklin his 13 year old muscles taught rippling in the sun launching the chubby little cannonball that is fenton beasley the ribbon coming up between his legs like toilet paper stuck to his butthole his butt cracks hanging out a little bit it's a real picture his arms and legs splay out like a starfish while he's airborne all of the mints that are in my pockets are like spread behind me suspended in the air it looks really beautiful it does little chubby boobs off to the sides yeah I I've got the muffin top on the on the top and the muffin bottoms on my legs and they're both rippleing Who can think?

Seamus is sitting in his tube like a rope swing, slowly watching as the crotch of Fenton Beasley sails towards his face and hits him right in the eyes, and then the legs of Fenton swing out and drag Seamus into the water. He flips over, and then his legs are up in the air. Fenton's in the water. Seamus's legs are kicking in the air. Fenton skids across the top of the wave pool like a stone that's skipping across the lake.

And then comes to a rest and sinks in, giving the three of you the opportunity to run before Wendy actually sees who you are. She's like, oh no, and then runs up, tweets her whistle. I'm running, but I'm yelling at Seamus, I'll meet you up at the top in 10 minutes. And all you hear from Seamus is, as he's trying to fight his way back to air. I swim to the other side to get away from Wendy. Yeah. Your nuts hurt so bad. I'm only on like 10 feet. Oh shit, my cardio sucks. Swimming is so hard.

And you guys regroup at the edge of the wave pool, the opposite edge, and you just head to the equipment booth? Because that's where you got to go to sign up. Yeah. We got to find out. We're going to find the best inner tubes. Yeah. The slipperiest ones. So we go to the equipment booth. Who's working there? It is the lifeguard that saved Clover earlier that day. Yeah. And he sees you and he goes, oh, I'd recognize that hair everywhere. I remember the face of every life I've ever saved. Yeah.

Don't. I was fine. I was fine. Still taking in breath, huh? Is in living, yes. Yeah. You got old Cal over here to thank for that. You're right, Calvin. I couldn't. I would have done it without you. You're dang right you couldn't. We'd like to sign up for the serpent slide contest. Oh, taking on the old serpent, huh? Sure. Yes. Not many are brave enough, let alone such small, fragile children. Well, we're very brave children. And I'm just feeling like it's in my cards today to win this contest.

All right. That's what I like to hear, little lady. So these are the three. You. Yeah. The big one in the. Some kind of dog. It's because he's sniffing around another garbage can with a tail. I stand up, but I am holding an elephant ear that is full of jam. And I'm like, someone threw a whole elephant ear out. Oh, that's a child. Yeah. This is Benton. And this is Franklin. And my name's Clover. And we want to sign up. All right. Can do. Here you go. Fill out this form.

And it's literally just three spots for your name. And at the top, it says, we are not responsible. Yeah. We are not responsible. That's it. Yeah. That's all it says. That is the legal declaration is that the three of us are irresponsible people. And you acknowledge all of the dangers that are encapsulated in that. And Cal goes, all right, looks like everything's in order. Let me just get you your raft. And he starts reaching for the most dangerous.

Tattered piece of shit raft you've ever seen in your life. I want to like lean in and be like, Cal, what can I do you for? Do you have any better rafts? Better. These are all. And he starts really squinting his eyes and like moving his head back and forth. And it's at this point you realize he can't see. Oh, he's got serious vision problems. And he's like, I can't. These all look the same. And I get up on the counter and I start like crawling over to him. I'm like.

Cal, I want to tell you a story. He's like, what are you? Are you getting so close? I feel like you can't see anything. So I got to get close. No, of course. I got eyes of a hawk. Look. And the tenacity. If I didn't have eyes of a hawk, I couldn't be a lifeguard. Cal, look here. I grab him. I pull him close. I'm like, Cal, I'm going to tell you a story about a man. Okay. An old man who married a pig. A pig named Monica. Okay. That pig was wearing his pants. And she ran it out into the field.

And then he ran out after that pig. And then accidentally married her. And then he accidentally married four more girls. And he's still married to all of them. And that man works in the bathrooms right now. Oh, Lou. Yeah. Yeah, I know Lou. And Lou gives out mints every single day to every single person. He doesn't care that he can't fucking tell the difference. Between a pig and a lady. Yeah. We've been trying to get him out of there for years. He can't.

He doesn't care that nobody needs those mints or wants them except for poor people. I'll take a mint. I hand him one out of my pocket. I took so many, I think. And then I point him right in the face and I'm like, and you don't care that you can't see. I can see. You'd know you don't. You can't. And it doesn't matter because just like Lou is a. Weird bathroom attendant at heart. You're a lifeguard. That's in here. And I point, I poke him in the chest. Stop poking me. And we're racers.

And that's in here. Where did you. Point it at his belly button. Where did he point? He pointed it to his belly button. Oh, okay. Yeah. And the only thing that's going to help us win this race is if you let us pick our own fucking raft. Please let us do that. You're going to have to roll. What are you using? I guess consort. Sure. Yeah, that makes sense. I like it. Because I connected with him. Yeah, totally. Controlled. Great effect.

Well, so normal effect because of your less effect because you are still really feeling it and that shot to the nards earlier. Yeah, I keep going. During his speech. Yeah. Five. Five. There you go. Consequence as yet to be determined. But he is like, you know what? Little kid, you said a lot of stuff and not much of it made sense, but I'm inclined to agree with you. The tone was more what sold it. Basically, what I need is for you to not tell anybody that I am legally blind. One hundred percent.

We will not tell anyone. You can grab whatever raft you want. I don't care. We scurry into the back. Awesome. There is a gross raft. The one that Cal was going to grab. There is. The gray one. There's one that looks like a shark. One that looks like a sea monster and one that looks like a horse. Inexplicably. What is the most dope ass? Very fast one. Okay. So is there one that's better than all the other ones? Definitely. Yeah. Hmm. We roll the figure that survey. Oh, yeah. Does anyone have it?

No. I have insight. No. Well, you might just have to risk it. I will take a. Yes. To give her the. Really? Yeah. I'll also give you a stress. So that's two. Oh, thanks, you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Oh. Oh. So. Is it the shark? It must be the shark. It's the horse, weirdly. Right. There's a lot of like lines running down like the bottom of the thing that look like they would be really good at channeling water. So the horse is probably the best raft that you could grab out of all the ones back here.

It looks dumb as fuck. It really does. It has legs. Yeah. That are like out on the side. It looks like a horse that fell over. And we have to get in it like three dudes in a horse costume to climb inside of it. It is a roof, too. Yeah. And it's like kind of like balloon material. So like you can see out of it and you can kind of see us inside of it. You start walking it over. Yeah. Great. Great. Oh, it has legs on the bottom. No, we're making that sounds. Yeah.

Seamus, you see, as you're walking away with your horse thing, Seamus and his two brutes walk like are walking past you like, oh, you got a horse, huh? A horse for a water race. Hey, this is a water horse. Read a book for one Seamus. And as you walk past him, he's like, oh, is a water horse a real thing? And you guys are walking through the water. You're parked to the staircase that leads you up to the top of the serpent.

And you see Wendy, the security guard, standing near the staircase, looking at every kid that walks by. What do you do? We're just trying to get up the serpent. Yeah. You're trying to get to the top. And she's like basically blocking the stairs. Oh, I know. I'm going to slip out of the horse costume really quick. And there's like a huge like, you know, when you go to like Walmart or Zellers or whatever, and they had the big tube, the cage of like balls. Yeah.

They have a huge tall one of that with like beach balls. Yeah. I'm going to go knock it over. Cool. Do you want to use my cane sword? Yeah. Okay. You don't have to. You can just knock it over. I just have a cane sword. I'll use the cane sword. This is just what. Yeah. Yeah. Where he's like, I've been carrying it around the whole day. I feel like someone should use. You guys do have load that we didn't talk about. I assume it's all light. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a hacking tool. I give you the uses. I give you the uses. I give you the uses. What is it? I have a hacksaw. You've been carrying this hacksaw all day? Where was this? I don't know. Those are big pockets in those cargo shorts. You did have a bunch of towels. Maybe it was just in the towels. I accidentally brought a hacksaw in my towels. That's a really nice offer, but I'm sure even you can agree that this will be better. Yes. And he bows. Yes, my lady. Yes.

I don't know how many times I have to tell you. You don't have to bow to me. He's like, easy, big fella. Four. Four. Four. Okay. So Clover hacks at the leg of this cage of balls, and it just tilts over, tilts. Boom. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. And they're fucking. They're fucking everywhere. I scurry back into my costume. You scurry in. Yeah. What do we think the consequence is? Maybe that the hacksaw cuts the costume a bit. It makes it less effective. Oh, no.

Unbeknownst to the Cool Treat kids, there's a leak in the raft. Oh, no. The horse's tail is flapping because it cuts right where the butthole would be. Uh-oh. And what does Wendy do when she sees the whole thing fucking go? She just starts. Kids start running around and grabbing balls and playing with them. And she's like. Oh. Oh, you have to rent those. So there's a bunch of kids grabbing balls and playing with them. Is that what you just said, Sean? It is literally midnight.

So all the kids are fondling the balls. Yes. And Wendy is like, there's no way the sensors are going to be okay with this much innuendo. And she starts grabbing kids and hauling them away like, no, you got to rent those. Let go of those balls. And during this completely I'll-advised bit, the stairs case is open for you to run up. Run up them. Run up. Run up. We do it. You do it.

And roughly five to maybe seven or eight minutes later, because Fenton's nursing some crushed balls and Clover's burping up chlorine every once in a while. Yeah, we have to stop to let him dry heave. Franklin's shorts are still on backwards. Yeah. My balls. Fenton's shorts are on backwards too. And it's really tight. And you get all the way up to the top. And Cal's at the top. He's like, you guys made it. Welcome to the top of the serpent. What? Do you do every job? What the fuck?

Super short staffed here at the crystal pool. Well, where's Seamus? He's like, oh, you don't have to worry about me. Clover Ivy Fern. There you are. I've never been late for a challenge, except when I had to challenge my own expulsion from public school. And I heard that failed. It did. That's why I'm here. Anyways, are you ready to race? And he has. Are you ready to lose? I am not, which means that I won't. Well, then you're unprepared for what's about to happen.

I think you're unprepared mentally for the fact that you're wrong about what I'm prepared for. I don't think you know what that means. You failed at school. And you ate my nuts. How do those taste, you motherfucking bitch head? This kid is getting more and more intense with every passing day. What do you get up to in that chocolate shop dump you live in? I don't know. What do you get up to with all those fucking wieners that you hang around? They are bratwurst. No, those wieners.

And he points to Cobb and Lobb. What was the other guy's name? Kristoff. Kristoff and Cobb. And Cal's like, all right, so here are the rules. First one to get to the end wins. And there are no rules. But the first one to get to the end wins. Anything else? No rules. Except for the one rule. Are we clear that there are no rules? Holy shit. Wow. I'm ready to go. Fucking God. What are the rules? First one to get to the end. Wrong. There are no rules. But first one to get to the end wins. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Seems like a rule. It's more like a agreement. That's not a rule. It's an agreement. All right. So like every contest, the first one who gets there wins. That sounds a lot like a rule. It's more like a loose understanding. Okay. But there are no rules. There are no rules. All right. Saddle up, kids. And there's like two, you know, the like water slide. The water's pouring out of the top. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's that real feeling of anticipation that kids get. Yeah.

That's the cowboy dual music. A hobnoblin cartwheels past. The whole pool like stops. Yeah. They turn the music off on the PAs. Everyone looks up. Anticipation. Franklin's terrified. It's way too high up. He like looks and like tries to like do something cool and like finger gun at Mindy, but he accidentally flips her off. She crosses her arms. And you see her do a gesture that illustrates. What the fuck are you doing? How do we want to handle this? A group action, I guess. I guess it's a group.

So you would all be making the same role. Yeah. And then whoever gets the highest, that's the one you go with. Like, what about finesse? Because we want to be fast. Yeah. Are we on the same slide or two separate slides right side by side? Oh, we're separate. They're separate, but they like they have the same moves, but it's like mirrored. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. So you'll launch at the same time. And then whoever gets to the bottom first wins. Yeah. There's a loop-de-loop. It goes upside down. Whoa.

Hmm. That's the scariest part for sure. Mm-hmm. That's usually when your skeleton falls on your body. Okay. So this is going to be a group action. Who's leading it? I will lead it. So everybody's rolling prowess. Okay. With finesse because you've determined that it's finesse. But if you have a different skill that also works, you just got to let me know. Can you not intimidate them into like being worse at their job? I mean, yeah. Yeah. You get it. Yeah. You definitely can.

I think that could definitely work. That's fine with me. So it'll be Franklin is leading the action. What skill are you actually using? Command. I guess it's like trying to scare them also being like two of my cousins died on this thing. Yeah. Totally. My grandma wrote this and she went so fast she went to the spirit world and never came back. My grandma wrote this and she went so fast she went through menopause. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My grandma went down on this and not a lot happened. But if you win, I will beat the shit out of you. The pool will run bright red with your blood. All right. Yeah, that works. So yeah, roll your commander. So resolve. Yeah, I have one. Four command. Great. Two. Three.

One. Shit. So the lowest is three, which is a failure. Yeah. Great. So. Franklin's like, this one's for you, Mindy. Yells from the top. Yeah. Mindy. And you throw yourself down the entrance of the serpent and immediately just hear. And it's amplified. Franklin's like, Fenton. It's not me. I mean, my tummy doesn't feel good, but that wasn't me. I've been holding it in. And it's amplified by the way the tube goes up into this channel. So it's just. It's echoing throughout the whole park.

It's the mouth of the serpent. Yeah. It's like. It hits the resonant frequency of the slide. Yeah. We become the laughing stock. We're trying to impress everybody. Yeah, exactly. And it's this fart sound for like a long time. Yeah. Like five straight minutes. And then you slowly come rolling out. We all have each other's boogers on our face. Yeah. And by the time you get to the bottom, the raft. Isn't even with you anymore.

The three of you just come somersaulting out of the mouth of the serpent and land flat on your backs. And Wendy, the security guard, is standing over top of you. Says, you three, you're out. Okay. And I'm like, okay, well, no reason to hold this in anymore. You just start throwing up. No, I'm having diarrhea. Oh, no. And throwing up. It's just. And it's like the thing from Caddyshack where everyone's just like, get the fuck out of the pool. Like everyone just starts. The whole water park.

There's so much. The mints are like, you know, when you like put Mentos in Coke. It's like that's the effect it's having on everything that I ate. And people are just running out of the pool in droves. Droves. Droves. It's pandemonium. And even Seamus and the hot meat boys are running out with their shark. And they've got a big thing that says your membership. And as you're running out, Mindy sees you, Franklin, running out and just shakes her head. And he's nodding his head.

She's shaking her head harder. And we cut many hours later to the cool tree kids inside the sugar shack, still in their swim clothes. Clover's got chlorine water roiling around in her stomach. Fenton is barely recovered from his third bout of diarrhea this evening. And Franklin Stein is just demoralized. And he brought the Franklin brought the horse. Get that out of our house. No, I want to fix it up.

I'm laying in my hammock, staring at the painting of Seamus crying into my pillow and comforting myself with the newspaper. Horoscopes that say that my love life will be looking up next week as Mercury slides into Saturn. And hot. Mercury slides. Yeah. So hot. And because we're in the house of Leo, it means things are going to be looking bright. I don't know. She's saying this to herself as she cries into her pillow. Yeah. Things are going to be looking bright.

They'll be looking bright for me next week. Oh. Fenton. I've drawn a pig with pants on. And I go to both Franklin and Clover. I'm like, this is for you. A symbol of what we tried to do today. We might not have succeeded. But this pig's name is Monica. Oh, thanks. It looks really good, bud. Thanks. You really took a hit in the nards, didn't you? It hurts so much. It does, doesn't it? It feels like they're in my butt. Any final thoughts from Franklin?

He's like, guys, I know we didn't do what we set out to do today. And I can't help but feel a little bit responsible. And that it was also both of your fault. But. What? I wasn't a total loss. I want to show you something. And then he climbs in behind the wall. And then he goes up onto his little, like, platform where all the plants are. And there's, like, a little walkway that goes out over top. And they're like, oh. And they can see him. And he's, like, breathing.

And he's like, he's never been that high before. Oh. He's like, guys. He takes a big breath. He closes his eyes. And then opens them. And then walks out on the walkway. Whoa. You can take heights now. Franklin. We can have sunset dinners up there now. That's so nice. Every shitty diarrhea cloud has a silver lining. You can't win them all. But sometimes you have personal victories. And that's what we learned today with the Cool Treat Kids.

And that's where we're going to end it for this adventure. Thanks for joining us, everybody, for Spoutmore Mall Brats. Which would absolutely not be possible without the support of you, our wonderful patrons. Thanks to Duam Figueroa for creating World of Blades based on Blades in the Dark by John Harper. Thanks to you for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of the Cool Treat Kids. Always up to no good.

So tiny and greedy And angsty they be As they navigate crime and puberty And though our journey may be like a conclusion We will not leave you alone We will not leave you alone We will not leave you alone We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to the chocolate store As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score And for you I'll gladly spout more So positioning and effect still do exist. Okay. But they're not…

I think what was screwing me up was I didn't really understand the difference mechanically between them. I think a position is like 69. That's a position. And then the effect is that you come hard. Same time. That's Abdul laughing uproariously at his own joke. I love you too. I know. But she's laughing quieter. That's the only way I understand. I understand the rules. Yes. Yeah, that's actually a good… That's a great…

So is there a way that I can describe positioning and effect, the different positions and effects? I already did it. No, no, no, no, no. What I'm saying is… I'll do a different one. Yeah. A position is like… A number 11. You're not… You're not helping. Yeah, 11 when you're both laying… Yeah. Perfectly still. Arrows straight next to each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In between you. In a bunk. Yeah. On your backs. Yeah. Facing the ceiling. Yeah. Toes to the gods. Yeah. And…

Tuck your dick, everyone. Have a good night. Hi, I'm Simon. I'm G. And I'm Boof. Have you heard about Pickaxe's hit new old movie podcast, Yomp? We each have a list of six films we want to share. Every week, we roll a dice to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss. MC Bunkerwelt says, this trio is perfect for a movie podcast. G is the casual that has the mainstream movies. Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems. And Boof is the cellar goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper.

Messiah Jones says, such a fan of this podcast. I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry. G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes. And Simon can be a real curmudgeon. But the three work together well enough to keep the flow and make a good product. Serenity Indeed says, love this podcast so far. But the audio is all over the place. It goes from quiet at the start of a sentence. To loud in the middle. Every time somebody stops talking for even half a second.

Their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again. It's very distracting. Edit, this audio issue was with my laptop. Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms. Yomp.