Episode 7 – Don’t Count Your Blades Before They’re Dark

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corndog addiction Benton's the sly, she sleeps the same And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Hi everybody and welcome to Spoutmore Mall Brats I'm your game master Sean O'Hara And playing Clover Ivy Fern Jessica Welcome Playing Franklin Stein Paul Oppers Hey, how's it going?

And playing Fenton Beasley Abdul Aziz Hey, hi everybody And there it is Hi It's been so long since we've recorded this, I'm excited Should we listen to an 80s song to get pumped? Yeah Let's listen to a few Jessie's Girl? Oh Oh, I think we're alone now Is there a song about a big market? Uh, no Oh yeah, and we can talk about specifically what we want to do Or do people, maybe we should talk now I want to do big markets People want to do big markets?

Yeah, let's do big markets Yeah, I want to do big markets Do a BM I was going to ask you, I was like, what is BM? Does anyone know what BM is? Oh, there you go Why would I write BM? Like, I was going to remember So something I will say about big market, at least as far as I'm concerned Is the goal is pretty nebulous Like, it's not like a score You're not trying to rob somebody You're just trying to make money Yeah, we're just trying to sell as much as we can Is this the time to like intro it?

Yeah, it's time to introduce the concept of big market So big market is something that we've talked about extensively off mic But what big market is, is it is a I'm going to say four times a year Everybody in the mall basically pulls their shit out of storage And creates a mall-wide bazaar Instead of going in individual stores It's quote-unquote open air In as much as anything in the mall is open air There's food, there's music, there's entertainment And the idea Because most of the economy inside the mall is purely Spearbucks Is the idea is to draw as many people from outside the mall Inside the mall So they spend actual physical hard currency So everybody's out trying to make a buck And the kid gangs They take that currency and they trade it For Spearbucks Where they give it to the food court And the food court trades it like one for two Yeah Because the food court, they can use it but we can't Yeah Yeah, it's a great opportunity for the people to use it Yeah, it's a great opportunity for the people to use it Yeah, because you can make a bunch of Spearbucks But the adults often just trade in currency Yeah And that's the thing too Is if you make a couple bucks and you don't care It holds a lot of weight with the older people Yeah The kids are just giving it away Yeah To get Spearbucks in return Yeah And that's like It's also like a way for the kid gangs to be like On the radar of the Yeah It's like whoever Down the most coin Whoever makes the most trades in the most Gets more opportunities Yeah Gets more responsibilities More respect Yeah With Orange Julius The Taco Bell Yeah Harvey Sorry That's really funny They all have these like intense Like kind of illusion names And he's Harvey Don't fuck with Harvey He's insane He'll give you the double pickle I think the mall's kind of like the Kowloon Walled City That you can go to and you can go to the mall That used to be in Hong Kong Where they're just like The merchants and the criminals have enough sway That the city just stays out Yeah And it kind of runs like a normal mall For the most part Totally I'm so excited When last we left our heroes The Cool Treat Kids Had infiltrated the Crystal Pool Yes And a variety of things happened Let's go through it What happened?

One, they broke in Broke in Two, they ran into Seamus Seamus And the Hot Meat Boys Mm-hmm Who had also broken into the pool I think we humiliated them a little bit Yeah Humiliated Humiliated them I think they also humiliated us By throwing a hot dog at me Oh, shit I'm sorry No, it's fine I like that We humiliated them by throwing my nuts at their faces Oh, yeah Remember?

You launched me Oh, shoot Yeah And Seamus flipped upside down in his Tubi And was stuck underwater for a little bit We did the water slide Yeah The race Yeah, that was the main thing Is you did a water slide race And lost Sad And the Hot Meat Boys said, fuck you The Hot Meat Boys won the one-year certificate to Crystal Pool Yeah Can't believe it And the spa and everything Something I will say about that card Is it is a physical card Ooh Ooh Side mission, get that card Yeah, steal it Possession is nine-tenths of the law It's like bearer bonds Whoever has it, you get to use it I like it Franklin made a connection with a potential dance partner Yeah I'm hoping Mindy Cart Mindy Cart Young lifeguard Potential love interest?

Not as young as Franklin She's 16, I think, right? Yeah And you are a few bits away I'm just a little bit off of that By three years?

Yeah Which is quite a significant three years Yeah, when you're only 13 Yeah And that was It was a pretty loose conversational I spent a lot of time in a bathroom With that man, with his many wives Right With the rest of us The wife guy Little bit of Monica Yeah, a little bit of Monica Monica was his first wife It was a pig that was wearing pants And that was what I gave you guys At the end of the adventure It was a drawing of a pig wearing pants And you got over your fear of heights But finally Yeah Man We did get up to a lot It was a nice character building kind of session Yeah And it's a brand new day for the Cool Trick It's one thing that still exists In World of Blades Is heat and entanglements Okay That is now like a combined thing You basically just You roll some die You do a fortune roll And depending on the result The highest result That's the thing that happens Cool So the heat like summertime Yeah, like summertime heat And entanglement's romance?

Yeah Okay Summertime romance Is this something you genuinely believe Or is this a joke that you're making? Kind of both Honestly, a heat and an entanglement Could be A romantic entanglement A dangerous liaison Yeah, it does That'd be fun It's You know what?

It's a dangerous liaison Entanglements are complications From the last Uh Thing Yeah And heat is how much heat Your crew pulled By being like reckless Yeah Like how much How much are people Paying attention to us And you want them To not pay attention to you at all That's ideal By like yeah Especially the cops Yeah But also Our crew's a little bit We're a little We're a little bit Look at us Totally We don't have a lot But pride Fenton genuinely Always carries a cane sword Yeah Yeah Good morrow Gentlemen I have to practice accents The cane sword helps This nine year old kid Walking around the mall He's always got a sword on him People think it's a cane Yeah, but he keeps it In his belt Like a sword When he pulls it out He goes It doesn't make the noise It's pretty shitty You have to make it for it It just goes It's full of pudding To make sure It goes in and out I did put a lot of pudding In there Yeah, one time Should keep that In a container next time You can't just put loose Pudding in your pocket Why This is the container I chose Ugh You're not the one That has to do your laundry Right There's so many Pudding streaks Down the side of the leg At least switch to vanilla It just looks like cum Okay So how this works Is we do a fortune roll Which is one die Plus one D If the target Was high profile It was not But if the thing Was loud and chaotic Which it absolutely was Yeah, the fart Yeah And then the shit That happened afterwards That's how it always happens First comes a shit Fart Yeah Fuck That's the thing You never know It's always a risk Guys, I have to go To the bathroom I don't really know I gotta go So!

Here's what we do We roll these two die And whatever the highest result is That determines what happens Oh Six Oh no Is that That seems like a really good thing No No No Oh, why not?

It's for heat Oh, so we got six spicy Yeah The higher the spicier Oh, and Okay So a six is A crew member gets interrogated Slash the crew suffers reprisals Oh, we get grounded I got interrogated last time I don't think it's interrogated I don't think it's interrogated I don't think it's interrogated This time Because you weren't You weren't trying to commit a crime I think it's more like reprisals Because I think you've run into The hot meat boys enough And fucked with specifically Seamus Seamus That he's probably like That's enough These kids fucking suck Do the boys Yeah That's enough Thank you So I think it is One Summer morning It's summer now The hot meat The cool treat kids awake In the back room of the sugar shack Benton comes out of his Safe And it slams Oh god It's so hot in there in the summer The chocolate bars that you left Are just melted It's all over my face How we make pudding And so you reach You get out of your safe You reach for your Motivation bar You always leave outside the safe And it's gone What the fucking shit is this?

Frankly you Titty twisting Little Fucking dick hole Sucking piece of shit Whoa He's I'm still asleep I am having a sugar tantrum Yeah totally And you You start storming into the back But you pass like Behind the counter So you can see the rest of the The store Uh huh And there's Hunched over your chocolate bar That's jamming it into its maw Is a hobnoblin Fuck And the door Is wide open Wait Which one? The front door is wide open How did they disarm all the fucking crossbows?

You can go check Okay yeah I I Fucking Wait Uh There's a hobnoblin there Yeah yeah yeah I was like I take the cane sword And I smack it Hard Okay Roll Prowess I guess Okay so I rolled two And I take the lowest That is correct So four Yeah four is a partial success Uh So you Just go up and you start Smacking This hobgoblin With your cane sword Get Off Of my Chocolate And it Uh It Is It gets smacked a couple times And it's weird little potato body Like It looks really squishy You hit it and it goes But it pops back out And it goes And it grabs your arm And it chomps on you Oh I wake up Like I'm running in Yeah What's going on?

Help me You see this hobnoblin On Fenton's arm He's spinning now He's trying to get it off Smashing it into cabinets and stuff Holy shit I grabbed the closest thing That's like a bucket or a net And try and capture this hobgoblin Yeah that sounds like a skirmish to me Great Six and five Six You You snatch it up What do you do? Got it I uh Wallop it against the counter a little bit Nice Yeah Just to calm him down And it stops It stops moving for a little bit Yeah No did you kill it?

No no no no no no no no Maybe How the fuck did this get in here? What happened to the door? Close the door Can we inspect this? The door? Yeah if you can inspect You can inspect the door You can go outside Every piece of booby trap Slash lock Technology that you have Has been destroyed God damn Who could have done this? The vending machine The glasses smashed in What the fuck?

We've been vandalized Yeah your hideout For the moment Is no longer secure No Hobnoblins couldn't have done this No this was someone else On the floor In front of The sugar shack Is a single Uncooked Hot dog I pick it up And start eating it Wait don't eat that Who could have done this?

You're eating the evidence Hand it over I drop it Seamus I smell it Smells like Axe body spray Seamus I know I'm gonna get you And I break the hot dog in half It doesn't Like Satisfying There's no satisfying snack Just wet So yeah That's the situation The reprisal was Seamus and his crew Have destroyed Your locks How do they do it so quietly? You were in a floor safe Oh yeah That explains why I didn't wake up What the fuck is wrong With you guys?

I think back to the previous night And what was she doing The previous night? I was testing out Uh Candies That I was making What did they do?

One of them was definitely The mushroom jelly And I passed out And she was snoring so loud that she was like I'm glad that I stuffed toilet paper in my ears You drugged yourself by accident Yeah Alright This should give me a nice mellow buzz I am mostly Oh face down snoring is the worst It just echoes off the floor It reverberates I have like the grooves from the wood in my forehead Oh man You look like a scarecrow Shut up Couldn't hear it because Venton was in a floor safe Clover had accidentally drugged herself And she was snoring so loud That Franklin Stuffed shit in his ears He was like Should I I mean one of us should be on He was like We've got crossbows Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak He shoved them in way too far They might be stuck in there Who could have done this?

You guys just thought that he was excited Yeah So I think that happens And then you have your down time Oh yeah let's do down time So that's like yeah A couple days out of the night After the crystal pool race Your shit gets destroyed Fuck Yeah And then you have a few weeks until big market We're so vulnerable right now Yeah Our down time Did we fix it in our down time? Yeah That's what I was gonna say yeah I think we gotta do the hat Okay So how do we fix stuff?

Okay so here's how down time works How does game happen?

That's what I That's what Venton says First things first After the score you receive your share of the loot No you don't you lost Deal with any entanglements and loose ends That's already happened Clear your armor boxes So everybody gets their armor And take two of the following down time actions Clear one harm box Indulge in your vice to clear three stress Tick a long term project clock Get a new asset Or gather information And I would say that I would let you all Work on the same long term project Oh Like if you wanted a single clock You could potentially And I'm gonna be an asshole and say that it's six ticks So you would have to spend all of your down time activities Fixing To fix this So we could say Our long term project Right now Is to fix the Yeah As a rules boy Can I just like Tell you what I would do?

Yeah Cause you both get two You all get two actions We get two?

Yes Oh this is easy So you So but you only get one point per One tick per thing So if you used all of them You could finish it now Or each of you can use one of those To get halfway And then you can clear stress You can clear stress You can get something to secure the door So we have Fix Yeah We have fixed the hideout And then we all clear a bit of stress Yeah And the next episode The hideout would be fixed Okay Cause we get two down time action Yeah Okay I get it Oh Alright let's do that Cool Yeah It's a lot of boarded up things Yeah So what is this montage of you all Working on fixing it halfway look like?

I wanna feel the heat with somebody For somebody to love me What this scene is just Fixing the hideout Fixing the hideout I'm just like Fenton taking a shit He's just thinking to himself While he's shitting Um I've stolen a bunch of floorboards From like an empty store And I'm like cutting them Mostly like kicking them in half Cause we don't have a saw And how we're doing it is Fenton is holding the wooden board Karate style And being like Okay just don't kick me in the face again And then when I get tired We switch And he like karate chops And I'm like That's so funny We don't get through any board When it's my turn I just get tired That's why we have to do it On your shit break So you don't feel offended It sounds a lot like People are breaking boards Out there Yeah Franklin stole A bunch of mops And brooms And he's whittling them down Into spikes And putting them Angled towards the doors Sick Yeah Creating a palisade Totally Yeah I don't know Fuck this is not My strong suit What if I I go in What was the name of that Dishwasher that we met A couple episodes ago Oh my god I don't remember Yeah Yeah I can figure it out I do not remember If you guys wait two seconds Borbo Borbo Borbo Borbo Borbo I wonder why we couldn't Remember that name Borbo Borbo Let me go ahead I didn't think he was Gonna fucking come back Why don't we just make up A new character No it's correct Borbo Borbo Borbo Borbo Borblo Yeah Borbo Borbo Borblo Just call him Borbo Yeah he's Borb You just call him Borb B3PO Yeah B3 Three B's Yeah Yeah Three Well I'm technically on Borbo Borbo Borblo The third So I'm 3B3 3B3 I like him It's a proud name So I go talk to him Okay I'm like hey what's up Borbo Nothing just doing my job Just been washing dishes We're in a kitchen I guess Yeah he's just He's hosing down dishes How do you keep getting in here Man nobody pays attention to me And also when they notice me They try not to I'm gonna be honest I didn't realize you were there For like a couple minutes I kept tugging on your apron Is that what that was Um you said you wanted If we ever had like another job for you You'd be down for it And he drops a bunch of dishes They break And he goes what You paying Yeah Hell yeah What is it You know what Doesn't matter Lead the way little man Okay let's go And he just walks away And then wait Before we leave the The kitchen I'm like Can you give me a ride On your shoulders Back to the hideout Oh yeah sure thing Little guy Then we walk through The food court like this Yeah And he walks Free as a bird He walks by a A portly man With a little mustache And like a manager's vest And he says Rick I'll be back in 15 Go fuck yourself And he walks out the door And you just see Rick go Huh Okay Wait what restaurant Was he working at It's a It's a themed restaurant It's a wizard themed restaurant And it's called Poofs Poofs Yep It's called Poofs Poofs And it is I'm gonna go ahead and write that down So I don't forget it Poofs The wizard themed restaurant Manager Rick Manager Rick Dishwashing employee Formerly What was his name again Borbo Borblum Borbo Right yeah That's not it Borbo Borblum Borbo Borblow The third So it's The first name doesn't have an L in it Borbo Borbo Borbum Borbum Borblow Borblow Yeah Yeah so Borbo's like What are we doing It's like we need Fucking security At the sugar shack Oh Word I can do that no problem You're the biggest guy I know And you're also Down for most things That is absolutely true You've quit multiple jobs Without even hearing What I My pitch is Oh I technically Didn't quit that job What I'll be back later In 15 I can I bullied Rick into leaving I can bully him into giving my job back Okay Poofs is short staffed All the time I can't believe we're sticking to this name Yeah I'm not changing that name I will remember Poofs Okay It's one of those places Where all the waiters are like Welcome to Poofs Where your magical dreams come true And then they do like some Some stage magic It's like shenanigans basically Exactly Yeah Yeah It's like okay Yeah We can't pay for You and money And he stops Dead in his tracks What do you mean?

Well we just don't have Any of that stuff Uh huh We have a lot of chocolate though Uh huh Is that good enough? No Is it good enough Is it down payment And then we can maybe Make some money You've got sway We're going to big market soon No this is a This is a This is a down time activity So you're gonna get it Uh huh You just gotta convince him Uh Oh wait how much chocolate?

I don't Fuck I can give you Six If you had to ballpark In like square feet I don't know I don't know And then he looks At his own feet Cause he doesn't Understand that measurement So he starts He remembers It's like square feet And he starts like Doing a square dance move That his mom taught him once But he's on Borbo's shoulders So his legs Are just kicking In front of Borbo's This much chocolate And like Come on man We're in fucking danger You're the only person I know that can help us And we'll give you chocolate I need you to tell me How much chocolate There's literally A fucking pile of it In the back You can eat As long as you're On shift Oh you should've said so You should've led With that little guy And he's running Chocolate buffet I'm like God stop running so much I don't have I only had one Of my motivation bars This morning And yeah So you get there And Borbo Borbo Borbo the third Is willing to do Physical security He runs into The sugar shack While I'm still On his shoulders And I slam Into the top Of the doorway Son of a I'm in my head Borbo's like 20 Yeah Like he seems So old to all of you But he's only 20 And he's just like A big dumb jock I imagine him Bursting into the sugar shack Franklin's head Or Fenton's head Smashes into the top And he goes What's up nerds That means Fenton Fell face down Into the cayenne pepper Yep Oh my god What the fuck Happened to the doorway He just picks you up By the scruff Of your shirt And wipes some Off your face Puts it on his tongue Cayenne Nice touch Oh no I don't know To what To the Butt I like it And I tell these guys The situation's like Borbo is gonna Be security for us And he's flexing The whole time You're talking This is awesome He just All he wants to do Is eat chocolate While he's on shift Oh totally Help yourself Through that door Hey Borbo How do you feel About the hot meat boys Who Doesn't know We gotta give him A rundown of who To look out for Okay Montage As we try PowerPoint Idiot Here's a bunch of Drawings of Seamus There's a hot dog And a stick man We have We have so many Drawings of Seamus And no one else Oh we have They're trying to draw And then Oh my god And I imagine One of you guys Stole my diary And you're like Reading excerpts From it And I'm like No No Looking back While you're in the toilet It's like He comes running Back into the room That's mine Snatches the diary Punches me In the face Yeah Give me that And then you guys Had my painting Of him too I'm like I'm running away With it Just so I know How much to hate him Yeah Alright so that is What gain an asset And that asset Is temporary security That's pretty good That's fucking cool Yeah So there's So you've each spent One on a segment Of the clock Yeah So there's three Segments filled Gain an asset From Fenton Which is physical security As performed by Borbom Borbom Borblo The third He insists on You calling him The full name Yeah No he doesn't He goes by Borb Borb I like him We gotta get this guy Costumed Yeah I'm in a guard's uniform He's just dressed Like a pirate What's the outfit Borb No hold on Here's what I'm thinking I'm thinking That the most important Aspect of physical security Is your assailant Because there will be Assailants Knowing what kind Of threat they're up against Easiest way to do that Show them some skin No sleeves Hear me out No pants No bottom To the shirt Not much on the top So they can see The pecs too Yeah On the bottom Most of the legs visible I got some pants I can snip those up I'm sitting behind him Like cutting stuff up And doing seamstresses Pitching it to these two But Fenton already knows He's like yeah So we're gonna do this There's a sewing machine there And he's just like Snip snip snip Oh you're sewing it too My mom taught me How to do all this stuff I've mostly sewn Turtle costumes Fenton you're so talented If I'd known this I would have Wouldn't wear All of my stuff All of my clothes You could fix My underwear maybe I don't want to No They're your only pair I'll just wash them Will you though?

Yes Yeah so that's it After a while Borbo comes out And he's just got A strip of fabric Across the nips It says Cool treat kids on it Yeah And on the back It says security KTK So what is Describe the costume It is literally Just like A meaty 20 year old jock With a black strip Of fabric across Like a Like a What are the Tube top Bralette Like a bralette Yeah And then Black cut off shorts It looks like He's in a Girls Gone Wild video And then we just wrote Security on the back of him So I'm wearing security Across his butt Yeah And he's got Little smoked lenses That he wears too And he's standing in front Of the place With his arms crossed Can you describe him A little bit Because I don't know What he looks like Yeah He is about my height So like 6'1", 6'2 He's really broad He's kind of pale And he's that buff That people were Before they figured out Like how to exercise Different muscle groups Oh okay So he's just like thick Yeah He's a big heavy boy And he's Just kind of A weird looking guy He looks like Did you guys ever have Those nerds That got really into Weight lifting at high school Yeah Yeah So he looks like a nerd That got really into Weight lifting And he's only been doing it For a couple years But it's working out Cool Yeah And he's very confident Because of it Yeah Cool I like it That's what we need You're hired Well obviously We already made you A costume so And he's He's standing there With his arms crossed In front of the doorway And every once in a while He goes He puts his hand On his gut You can use The nice bathroom I'm going to Okay And I As he does that I talk to these guys And I was like See it was kind of a trick Because I know That you can't eat more Than three of those That are having wild diarrhea Nice job Nice job Wait so your plan Was to give your only Form of physical security Intermittent diarrhea Hindsight's 2020 Motherfucker I don't see you Trying to come up With a fucking Security expert I'm talking to myself I guess Yeah Okay great Yeah so you've got security Borb's going to keep Stuff out For now But you're going to need To figure out A long term solution So what are Franklin and Clover doing For like Calming our stress Yeah Is it only by vice That we can calm stress Yes Uh oh Alright well I'm just Going to take a walk Because I I also want to see How big market Is being set up Oh yeah Yeah So yeah Going to take a walk And I'm like Nice They've got the tents Up and everything And I see what's going on Yeah so Clover's Walking through the mall And people are like Getting ready Yeah they're like Cleaning out There's a lot of tents Being aired out Because they all Get put away From everywhere Yeah Stages being Set up All that stuff Yeah Is Lone Tree Hill Ooh Are they like Are they still Like a thing Or is Oh it's right Because we don't know What time I'd say it's It's like 40 years ago Yeah so what's a What's an 80s Sitcom That would have An 80s teen drama That would have A theater society What about Elf This is called Elf Oh that's Pretty Okay yeah It's about a family That has a Pet like elf Like a potato elf An elf lives with them And it's wacky It is wacky I gotta Go to work Elf took apart My car again And ate my Chocolate tires Alright yeah That's perfect Yeah That's so Fucking funny Yeah I'm excited For that I'm the elf I love to eat Cats or something Yeah there's gonna be A dress rehearsal Right now Yeah so there's A little guy And there's like A middle aged man And his Two attractive Wife for who This man Is played by And they're all Running It's the opposite It's this Super attractive guy Ugly wife Yeah And it's that Classic like Oh my god I can't believe We have My boss is coming Over for dinner And elf Is Laying eggs I guess Elves have a Cloaca That's the thing Is people It's having a Cuban dance party In the oven How are we gonna Make a That's what Clover sees As she walks by And she's just like Wow Elf is hilarious So wait How does Does Clover like elf Oh yeah She loves elf So I'm watching This for a bit And I'm like This is sick And now I'm all like Pumped Ready for big market And I spot like Where our section's Gonna be Which is We don't have a Permit That's what most Of the kids Have to deal with Is like We don't have Permits So we just have to Like Kind of pick a spot And the other And, yeah, so I spot out where we're going to be, and I just write my name on the floor.

Yep. What's the area you, like, scope out? What's on either side? Okay, so on one side is, like, a nice mom lady who's knitting a bunch of hats. I like the look of her. She didn't scowl at me, so I was like, great. Is that cool? Great sign. And knitted wizard hats? Yeah. That's really cool. And then on the other side is, what would be funny? Live snakes. I haven't thought of him as dead snakes. Ooh, but it's, like, a cool, like, weird Panusian snake, so it's kind of spooky. Like a pet shop?

Yeah, it's, like, a dude that's, like, an independent guy that sells snakes. Yeah, and actually, that's why the knit hat lady is so far away from him, because she doesn't like snakes. She's fine with you going in between them, because it keeps her away. She's fine with you going in between them, because she doesn't like snakes. Do you mind if we set up here? Oh, I am so glad somebody asked. Okay. I cannot stand the sight of those things.

Yeah, do you think he's going to keep them in a cage, or are they just going to slither around like that? I sure hope so. Something I've heard about those Panusian snakes is they can just wink out of sight. I'm worried about that. They're song snakes. What does that mean? When they slither, they make, like, a humming sound. Oh, yeah. Cool. Can we establish that? Franklin's going to like that. No, it's… I just came up with… Yeah.

And the vibrations that they make that play the music vibrate the air around them and bend light, and you can't see them. Oh, so when they start slithering, they become invisible? And you hear music. So Panusian forests are fucking terrifying. And you can actually make music by, like, putting different snakes in a cage together, where it's like, these are the ones. And then it's like… That's what the guy always says, too. He has, like, little ShamWow-style presentations, where he's like…

The thing is, is that if you take a bunch of snakes and put them together, they play a song. And you just gotta… You gotta buy a bunch of them. More snakes, more songs. Yeah, I bet. Okay, bye. See you later. Okay, yeah. I head to the food truck. Oh, song snake. Cool. I'm gonna call them harp snakes. Good name. Harp snake guy, whose name is… Dwight. Dwight. Is he… Are you doing a southern accent or an Australian accent? Australian. It's kind of in between. It's like Forrest Gump.

Forrest Gump with a bunch of stuff in my mouth. Yeah, that's Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump is more one of these. Oh, sorry. He's got a dumb southern gentleman voice. And always cold. It's no time to die. That's great. You ain't got no legs. Maybe it's funnier if I just do a Forrest Gump voice. I think we… Yeah, sure. Maybe. We'll see. When we talk to Dwight, we'll see if it's important. I like the voice that you're doing. My name's Dwight. Yeah. I got all these schnikes and a big…

I got a big bag. Somebody left them outside my house. Yeah. Trying to make a quick buck before somebody finds their schnike bag. He's got to be worth some money. It's like no country for old men, but a big bag of schnikes. Oh, man. That's great. All right. So that's Dwight. We got Dwight, the harp snake guy on one side, and Yolinda, the knit hat lady on the other side. And Clover is still on her way to engage in her vice. Which is the corn dogs. Corn dogs. And you know what?

Clover catches a break. Seamus isn't there. Thank God. Hello. Hi. Can I have one corn dog, please? I don't know if I'm supposed to. What? Why? I was told that the Cool Treat Kids are persona non grata. What does that mean? It means person no likey. What? That's what it means. But I have money, and I like… I'm a customer. Don't you want my money? How much are corn dogs usually in Spearbucks? One? One. One. One. One. One. One.! One. One. One. One. One. One. One. One. One. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Three Spearbucks. Are you freaking effing kidding me? Hey, I'm taking a big risk by serving you. If Seamus found out, he would just he'd wrap my little knuckles so bad. Well, you know what? Tell Seamus that I'm your guys' best customer, and you just lost a customer for life. So I flip him the bird.

He flips you the bird And I flip several birds And it's eventually both of you Just showing all of your fingers To the other person Flexing That's such a kid thing These are all birds Imagine I have ten middle fingers And they're all facing you And tell Seamus That I flipped all ten of my middle fingers I would never Well you better Or I'm gonna friggin tell on you No no I'm gonna tell on you No I'm gonna tell the food court That you wouldn't serve me And that I had money You would never I would do it And I'm really far away So I'm yelling this You guys have been backing up Actually I'm thinking That's a good threat Yeah Like I think the food court is like If you ever turn a paying customer Away from a restaurant That is like one of the worst things You can do So the kid is like Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Come back come back come back Why should I?

Come back please Why? You wouldn't tell the food court Would you?

Maybe I would Hungry lips sink ships Alright okay okay Here's what I'm gonna do Promise me that you won't tell the food court That I tried to turn away a paying customer And I'll give you Your next three corn dogs Free I promise to not tell the food court About you turning me away If you give me three Free corn dogs right now It's the same thing It's like the marshmallow problem The same thing I don't want to Give him my money That's what he offered you Is three free corn dogs No my next three Oh yeah A free corn dog The next three times you come here And you're trying to say Three corn dogs now It's the exact You're just using them all Up at once It's the exact same deal I think it's making her Be the person making the deal That's a good point I do not make the deal I do not make the deal I'm making the fucking deal here Give him right now Yeah I'm making the deal I want a worse deal Yeah Okay fine Here you go Three corn dogs Good Good Good Good Are we good?

Good Yeah Good okay Thank you Alright I'll see you next time Okay bye As you turn away He's waving And you turn away And he turns his hand around And shows you all his fingers I draw my corn dogs And I flip him all ten But I pick him up And I'm still gonna eat him So you can't Little shit rats I know Little dumb kids So you clear three stress Oh So yeah that's Clover's downtime activity Okay Franklin He's gonna go For a little Dance upset It's gonna go Out there The scaffolding Scattered everywhere So he's gonna go He's upset But also He's gonna just Twirl and And shed some tears And also he The presence of Vorbom Like he's like Oh man that guy's so jacked Okay I gotta go get jacked too A little bit like Yeah like I know he's got some years on me But he's also got a bunch of pushups So he's like Really trying to push himself Trying to go a little bit harder And he's gotta Really brush up on his dance move For Bindi Carton So he's going through All the scaffolding around the stage And doing the flips Totally And you're like dancing through Scaffolding and different booths Setting up and all that Yeah and totally And it's like Recon Yeah Doing some recon Oh what is he looking for?

He's just checking at the shit And making sure he knows What's happening behind all the carts And like where the good Egresses are Yeah Or where everything is kind of moving And where the security guards are Is there a thing in particular That he learns That he's like Oh Yeah he goes by the green room Of the cast of Elf And he gets a copy of their writer Cool So we can maybe bribe them later With some of this stuff Oh smart move Yeah The stuff that they like Yeah That's a really good idea What's on that writer?

A hundred skinned grapes A hundred grape skins A bowl full of grapes And their skins One firm handshake Per cast member It's a case of pumpernickel juice Juice? Yeah Bread juice?

Pumpernickel juice Oh yeah It's kind of like a beer But Yeah People are gross Yeah that's disgusting Yeah they're actors That's good information Okay so you're just dancing around Yeah Okay So Franklin is dancing around Doing his footloose thing And you pass by one booth That has a tall grey haired man In a black leotard And he watches you go by And he goes My word Jesus Such passion Jesus Christ Young master You Who me?

Yes you You And he like Approach me He does that thing When he like keeps his eyes on On the guy And then spins around You know does a pirouette Don't break eye contact Just a bunch of them Don't break eye contact And he gets closer And every time he spins around And meets his eyes They're a little waterier A little more wet And the guy is dancing too But in place He's kicking one leg out Kicking the other leg out His hands are coming up near his face And then back down Did you just give me ten fingers?

Where I'm from That means something else It is a symbolism for the inner passion You are tremendously skilled my young boy What is your name I must know? People call me Tux Why? He's chosen his crop top This is what this guy is telling He just pauses for a long time Why? Because of the moves? And the prestige that I bring to the dance floor?

He's dancing so much People can't believe I move like this And still make it look so good I can see why You move with the grace and fluidity of a Groom A groom A man walking down the aisle To a lifetime of Ecstasy with his loved ones Every aisle is my catwalk Have you considered A life On stage? My boy My name Is Gref Smushlin I wrote that one down You thought about this?

Sure did And I am the founder Executive director Director President And secretary Treasurer Of Gref Smushlin's Academy for the Dancing Arts You're the father of the winged ankles That is me They call me such because And he leaps up in the air And twists his ankles around And he stays up in the air For a pretty long time Like Luigi Like Luigi From Super Mario Brothers 3 No Luigi's an Italian guy we know Yeah Yeah he's a little light in the loafers You know what I mean?

He's got crazy hops He runs the pasta cart He's really nice Yeah And he'll like do a high jump Sometimes if you're nice to him To catch the pizzas They're so high up Most of them get stuck on the ceiling splat Luigi Jesus fucking Christ man Go get the pizza rake I'm sorry folks It's gonna be another 30 minutes Luigi Jesus fucking Christ man Stop that Stop throwing them so high. But it's in my heart. What am I doing? I'm like, I'm losing something inside me. I'm becoming unmoored.

It's just weird character shit now. No, it's great. I'm enjoying it. Go back to Grefg Smushlin. Smushlin. Of the Grefg Smushlin Academy for the Dancing Arts. Other dancing academies, he rates them. Like they are rated by him. Yes. Smushlin Stars. Oh! Smushlin Stars. Are we high-fiving on that? Yeah! Yeah. I am traveling these principalities, searching for the most skilled and potentious youths of the land.

Have you considered traveling to the City of Black Glass and honing your potential upon the fires of the stage, turning your body into a knife which cuts into the heart of the soul? Through dance? Through dance! I mean, is, it's always been a dream of mine to be the best dancer in the land. And why wouldn't it be? The heights you could reach, as we all know it goes. The gods, the monarchs, the skilled chefs, small business owners, the CEOs of big box stores, and then dancers.

There's a lot underneath that. It sounds like it's quite far down the list, but it's not. Oh, man. Do you think I have what it takes? I think you do. And I have never been wrong, except for one time I will not speak of. It's just that I don't want my friends to make fun of me. Oh. See, I'm seen as a bit of a tough. As was I. I was the finest… In my youth, I was the finest sharpshooter in the Firefields Principality. I served with the King's Own Crossbows for three seasons. Cool. That's…

That's three quarters of one year. Spring, summer, and fall. Spring, summer, and fall. The winter was too daunting for me. It was too dauntingly cold, and I did not have a sweater. Spring, summer, and winter. I took the fall off. I had to go home to see my mother. But then I retired, knowing that my life was one that was destined for the stage. And such could be… The life for you. I don't know why I can't… I kind of have a family here. People who depend on me.

They do not understand the fire that burns within the heart of every dunce. They don't. They don't. I've never told them. At this is the point in time that, in the far background, you can hear Clover yelling insults at the kid. It's all happening at the same time. It's like, Well, I've got ten of them for you! And you can tell Seamus, They're for him, too! And, actually, I think, if that… Does that distract Franklin? Yeah. Go, my boy. But consider what I have said. I will. I will.

I will be gone… Pon the morrow. I will have an answer for you. I promise. Thank you. Thank you… For sharing your gift. I might pick your brain about those crossbows. Please do. I still… Have my… I still like crossbows as well. It sounds like I'm all about… One thing, but I also like crossbows and baking. Now be gone! And he does that little spin and he walks away. He's just saying, be gone to himself. Hey, Smushlin. He whips around. Yes.

Backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip. He backflips away? Holy shit. And… A single tear falls from Grefg Smushlin's eye. And he goes, No! Not yet, Smushlin! And he goes, Grrr! And it's… Grrr! And it's… And it sucks back up into his face. Oh, gross. And Franklin clears three strikes. Oh, my God. This show is so fucking good. I needed Grefg Smushlin. He… The funniest character ever. That really… That really works something out inside me.

I'd leave the mall just to go… Be with this guy. That's what… Mall Brats. That's what Mall Brats is about now. Man, he carved right through… Franklin's stuff. Yeah. All right, those are the downtime activities. Wait, I have to do my… Second one. No, there's the montage. Then you got the asset of Borbo. Oh. Everybody did a tick. I thought that was how I was… I thought getting the asset of Borbo was how I was. Oh, okay. So, what are you doing then?

I was gonna try and clear some of the stress. Oh, okay. Yeah, great. Yeah. I was gonna… Because my vice is like… Writing fan fiction? Writing fan fiction for a vampire drama. Right. And it's pretty controversial because I don't understand any of the sex stuff. So, it's like whenever I write those scenes, it gets weird. And it's… And also vampires in our world are disgusting. Oh, right. Yeah. So, it's like there's a lot of gross sex stuff in it because it's just like, I'm vampire.

I want to kiss your face. And is it like they slowly turn into bats? Yeah. It's a disease that eventually turns you into a giant bat. Awful. It's like the fault in our stars kind of… Oh my God. So, early… Like early on when you contract vampirism, early on, you're kind of hot. Like it's like you're… If you're a hot person and you contract vampirism, you're hot for like a couple months. Yeah. And then you start losing your hair and then your ears start getting pointy. Oh God.

And you start shrinking. Yeah. And then you start growing more hair. Yeah. Yeah. It's gross. So, yeah. I was in the sugar shack working on like vampire drama and then I took it to Borbo and I was like, hey, can you read this and tell me how much it makes sense? Yeah, man. I'd love to. But I don't know how to read, nerd. That's almost funny. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read.

That's almost funnier. Can you read this for me? No, I cannot. He just starts flexing. Holy shit. Because I can't read that. Okay, fine. I'll fucking read it to you, illiterate shit. Whoa, hey. Sorry. There are a lot of people in our world that are illiterate. There's a lot of really good skilled chefs out there who can't read a lick. It's Franklin in the store. Yeah. I think he shows up at the door. Oh, yeah. I think he's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think he shows up at the door. Oh, yeah. Is this where we're coming back? My hands are filthy from backflips. My hands are filthy from grease. Everybody's filthy. I mean, at the end of every day, the Cool Treat Kids come back disgusting. Yeah. I was really going to town on the pudding sword. The pudding sword? Yeah. The pudding that was in the sword. Oh. Yeah. I was imagining like it's a thing that you buy. Yeah. Like a go-kart.

Yeah. But it's just pudding on it. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. I was picturing like Quentin Tarantino style of like a sword across like, and then there's blood splatter, but it's just chocolate pudding. It's pudding. Yeah. Oh. He swings the sword. It's chocolate pudding, but it's blood.

It's a booth, and it's a guy with a sword, and he does some cool like, guy, and draws his pudding sword and splashes you with pudding. Yeah. You pay a spear book, he splashes you with as much pudding as he can. And you get to eat it. That's why I'm really dirty, because I went to the pudding sword guy earlier in the day. Taking notes. Okay. I'm gonna go and splash God's face, and then I'm gonna… Hey, do you guys have any money? I spent a lot today. I was standing behind someone that paid.

Like the fucking shit rats that we are. Wow. Oh, man. Yeah. He's a lot skinnier than I am. There's just like a clean part of your body down the middle. Yes. You can see where the splatter… This could even be a different day. Like, I like the idea that it's evening, and everybody's here, even Borbo. Borbo just kind of hangs out most of the time now. Hell yeah. And like, Fenton's on his stomach, like kicking his legs in the air, writing his fanfiction. Like, guys, I'm done.

Yeah, okay, so I go up to Borbo. Yeah, what's up, little man? Can I read this to you to like, to get your sense about how good this is? Hell yeah. It's a vampire fanfiction. Hell yeah. It's for that vampire drama. Come up with a name. Sucks to be you in brackets, I know, I know. What's that from? Sucks to be you. I know, I know. I know, I know. Yeah, that's what it is. Is this like? Yeah. Prozac. I've never heard it. Wow. We're gonna listen to some Prozac after this. Also, I…

Sorry, I just imagine Borbo, if it's a few days later, he's like brought a futon. And it's like sitting in front of the door, and he like chills on there, and he's got a sleeping bag. Yeah. He dragged a futon all the way from his apartment, just with one hand. Yeah. And he just threw it down in front of the thing and was like, what's up, kids? Yeah. You mind if I kick back? No, this is easy. This is better. We don't… You don't have to hang out.

It might look like I'm in repose, but I'm actually coiled like a viper. Anybody come up here, I'm gonna launch myself at them with deadly intent. Yeah, and then he's like, for real, Fenton, try and hit me in the face, okay? I'll close my eyes and pretend to relax, and you can see how viperous and deadly I am. And you just slap him full on in the face. Oh, it wasn't ready. Frick! All right, you're not gonna get another one, so be ready. Okay. And I smack him in the balls. No! Ugh!

All right, you know what? You're working out the kinks of my defense strategy, so I appreciate it. Every Achilles has her heel, bud. And my heel is my balls. Oh, man. This is a lot of fun. I am, like, feeling like I'm in a game of the game. I'm feeling loose. Yeah. All right. Yeah, read it out, little man. Hey, kids! Other kids! You wanna come hear this little nerd read? No, no. Yes! Fuck. Gather round. You're a really good writer. And I'm like, okay, okay.

So this is, like, last time I talked to you guys about this story, Francesca had just contracted vampirism from Domingo, who has had vampirism for a really long time. And he's, like, pretty far into the transformation. So they're, like, David, they're, like, this is, like, they're learning to love each other. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So they're walking on a moonlit shore. The seas are lapping up all of the waves.

And when the seas touch their legs, we can see the crystalline shores of the Crystal Bay crystals shimmering down in the waves. And it looks so beautiful. Oh, boy. Take a deep breath. So then Francesca, was that the name? Yeah, Francesca and Domingo. Yeah. Francesca, she looks, she holds Domingo's hand. She looks him in the hand. And he's a bat now. So he, she looks him in the hand. Looks him in the hand and he's a bat. He's a full bat. He's a bat. So it's, he's really low down.

So she's crouching down a lot. Because they're walking hand in hand on the crystal shores. Oh, boy. And so she looks him in the hand. She's like, it's a hand again. It's okay. It's a first draft. Yeah. It's fine. So she looks him in the hand. Is this Borbo? Or are you being Borbo? Yeah, Borbo's just mouth slack staring at you. So she looks him in the hand and she says, I've never seen such claws so little as these before. Sorry. The wet mouth really got me.

And he looks up into her eyes and he's like, I'm not going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And he looks up into her eyes and he says, you are my most beautiful, cherished wife because I have many because this is how vampires work. One day you will be bad, similar to me and we'll be able to have anatomically sensical sex with one another. And then she goes, describe it to me.

And at this point, even Borbo looks at Franklin. And he's like, I'm not going to do this. And then Clover like, okay. And scene. I don't know. I kind of want to hear it. So, okay. So then Domingo's like, so the sex of the vampire is much similar to that person. We touch butts and then poop into each other's butts back and forth. And such as how baby gets inside the vampire butt. And then. This is he's noticing how confused everyone is.

So that's the part I think I need the most help with because I think I don't understand what's supposed to happen there. I have some notes. And Franklin Fenton clears three stress. Okay. Can I have an eraser? That was a really fun downtime. Thanks for joining us this time, everybody for spelt more and Mall Brats. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara playing Clover Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica tie. Good night, everyone playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul offers.

They care and playing Fenton Beasley, the slide Abdul Aziz. So long. This show would literally not be possible. We're not for the amazing support of all of our Patrion supporters. Thank you. Like just genuinely. Thank you. What an incredible gift you have given us. Yeah. And in return, except this incredible gift of Mall Brats. Yeah. This one in terms of character voices got pretty out of hand. That's good. But I had a great time.

World of Blades is an RPG by Duam Figueroa based on Blades in the Dark by John Harper. You can find Blades in the Dark basically anywhere you buy RPGs and you can find World of Blades by Googling World of Blades and going through a few links to find the old version that's archived on I think RPG World or maybe contact Duam Figueroa on Twitter. We'll see you next time. Bye. And so ends the tale of the cool treat kids. Always up to no good. So tiny and greedy and angsty they be. Yeah.

As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty.

Kids plan their next score and for you I'll gladly spout more next week we roll a dice to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss MC Bunkerwelt says this trio is perfect for a movie podcast G is the casual that has the mainstream movies Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems and Boof is the salad goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper Messiah Jones says such a fan of this podcast I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes and Simon can be a real curmudgeon but the three work together well enough to keep the flow and make a good product Serenity Indeed says love this podcast so far but the audio is all over the place goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle every time somebody stops talking for even half a second their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again it's very distracting edit this audio issue was with my laptop find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp