Episode 8 – Would a Blade By Any Other Name Smell as Dark?

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corn dog addiction Lenten's the slob, she sleeps in a safe And writes vampire fan fiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless and clothed For the tale's about to start Hi everybody and welcome to Spoutmore Mall Brats I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara and playing Clover I am the Game Master Sean O'Hara Ivy Fern, Jessica Tai.

Welcome. Playing Franklin Stein, Paul Oppers. Hey, how's it going? And playing Fenton Beasley, Abdul Aziz. Hey, hi, everybody. And there it is. Hi. When last we left our heroes, the Cool Treat Kids engaged in a little downtime between jobs. Today, we join our friends, the Cool Treat Kids, in the mall-wide flea market known as Big Market. Two and a half weeks pass, and the sun rises on the morning of Big Market. The Cool Treat Kids awake with the day's bounty ahead of them. What are y'all doing?

I guess we're pulling all our shit together. Yeah. Mm-hmm. This would be a good opportunity to talk about what the Cool Treat Kids want out of Big Market. Maybe we have a goal and set amount of money. I guess, yeah, maybe that's it. Like, we want to make more than kind of like every other kid gang, so we increase our sort of status with the food court. And there is like a thing with the food court.

If you're a kid gang, or like there's different levels, but with kid gangs, if you make more than blah, blah, blah at food market, then like you get sweet cred or you get some sort of bonus. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It should be like 20 coins? 20 spirit bucks? 20 gold coins. Gold coins. Gold coins. What was, well, I guess this is a question for Sean. What was the record last year? Yeah. Or last Big Market? We're all 2D10. 2D10? Yeah. Just do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Last year, or no, at the last Big Market, however many months ago, the Cherry Pits sold 13 coin, solid gold coins worth of their goods to outsiders. Do they sell cherries? Yeah. Cool. They have farms on top of like some of the hanging. Oh, man. They have one tree. Oh. And they steal a lot of the cherries that they sell. But the cherries they grow are actually really good. Yeah. Yeah. So they sold 13 coin worth of cherries, which is crazy. Holy shit.

And they did it by making sure that they had a really good spot in the market. Mm-hmm. And maybe sabotaging a few competitors. Yeah. Yeah. And also like attracting people with their like showmanship and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. They have one of their guys is a sharpshooter, and he has a slingshot, and he shoots things with cherry stones. Oh, yeah. People thought it was really cool. You put a cherry in your mouth. You turn to the side, and he shoots it out of your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. What?

It's pretty cool. No, it just sounds very unpleasant. It sounds terrifying. A couple people choked, but it was all part of the show. Yeah. And yeah, Borbo's like, all right, so all you kids are going out today, going to a big market? You're damn right. You got the place. Oh, you better believe it, bro. Don't eat all the cayenne pepper. I will try not to. Bring me back a… Bring me back a… Bring me back… Okay. We're walking away. If you don't tell us… Hey, bring me back a…

If you don't tell us right now, we're not going to hear you. Like a puppet. Why did I say puppet? Fine, we'll get him a puppet. I don't care. Okay. That's weird. There's like 17 in the attic. We have so many puppets. That's why he said puppet, because he just looked up. Fuck, there's a bunch right there. There's a lot here. Yeah, so that's… Just head out to Big Market. You go and you set up in between Yolinda and Dwat. What does your booth look like?

Well, there's one tent that Greg had given me, and I put a bunch of pillows inside, and that's where I do palm reading. This tiny little tent. And I like painted a bunch of stars on it and like eyeballs and stuff to make it really fancy. Hell yeah. Yeah, and I put like a bunch of glitter. I put like a bunch of glitter on it for like a glitter carpet to lead the way to my tent. It's going to get messy. I'll regret it for sure. So you're trying to get people to track glitter into your tent?

Well, it's supposed to like, you know, hey, come this way, but I guess that's what's going to happen. But I've already put the glitter down. I can't put it back in. Just set up the candy. What's Clover's Big Market outfit like? She has… Like a big winter scarf wrapped around her head like this shawl. And then she added like a little veil for mystery across her face. So she looks like a beekeeper? And then like a big bathrobe of, again, Greg's old bathrobe that was like purple and stuff.

So it's like twice your size. Yeah. So I've rolled it all up and I've felted it. So I look like a beekeeping wizard. Oh, so good. What's Franklin's portent? He made a paper mache candy hat. That's like a flutsy roll. Uh-huh. Which looks like a huge turd that he has on his head. But with holes in it. Uh-huh. You can play it like a flute. Yeah, that's right. You've had a flutsy roll. And he has got multiple pairs of scissors. He's got suspenders on.

All the different colors of suspenders he's wearing right now. And short Lederhosen sort of style shorts on. And the suspenders are made out of licorice. Oh. He can sell them. He's really trying to push his licorice suspenders. No one else supports this idea. I swear it's going to work. Guys, they're going to take off. I worked on these things for like two weeks. They're going to be great. Every single ounce of these is edible. Even the clasp. Except for the bottom.

Except for the buskles and the… Buskles and the clasps. Don't eat the buskle. You're going to get sick. Great. What's Fenton looking like? Oh, he wore a leotard today. Because he brought his papier-mâché moths. And he's going to try and attract people to come in. With like a routine. Yeah? Yeah. Like, you know, the ribbon in gymnastics? It's a lot like that. Yeah, but it's just a weight on the end of a cord being swung around his head. Yeah, and it's going to look fucking majestic.

So, what's the… What's the candy selling situation here? What candy do we have? Well, because, I mean, you're selling fortunes, you're promoting, and you're selling papier-mâché moths. We have a whole spread. Yeah. Tell me three of them. One of them is definitely the little sleepy forget-me-pops. So, I'm advertising those as a sleep aid and bad memory remover. Holy shit. Or introducer. Or introducer. And they look fun because they're purple. And they're pretty big, too. So, like, good value.

How much are we selling these for? I don't know. One coin? One coin. Each? Is that too much, Sean? Yeah, that's one. That's too much. Because, remember, coins are kind of abstracted. So, like, one coin for us would be like 50 bucks. Holy shit. So, maybe one coin for a bag of 10? Yeah. I'd say, yeah. Once you sell… Once you sell a bunch, that's one coin's worth of… Yeah. Yeah. So, a bag of 10 gives you one… Is one coin. Uh-huh. Yeah. There's also… We have wine gums. Oh, yeah.

We have a lot of wine gums. Yeah. Each little baggie is a coin as well. Okay. Oh, yeah. And Franklin has a wall that he set up that he can hit with a button. And it flips and turns around. And it has all the, like, candy weapons. What? Whoa. He's selling candy arsenals as well. Like what? You can buy different packages. You can get the cutter package. You can get… The Terminator package. You can get the Commando package. You can get the Rambo Commando package. You can get the breakfast club.

You can get the lunch cup. The breakfast club? Yeah. You can get the… It's a hard-boiled egg on a stick. Sour 16 package. Sir, what's it going to take to get you into a Terminator package today? That's wild. I like that a couple missions ago, you guys were like, Look, we don't want to be drug dealers anymore, but however, we will on occasion deal drugs. And also weapons. I imagine, yeah, like the other side of that weapons candy is just like chocolate bars we've made.

Because it's like easy money. Yeah. You can make a ton of them. You look like you can handle it. Terminator. Yeah. And I… So, because we said we were going to replace guns with slingshots. So, it was like the Terminator package, just like a slingshot. It's one of those ones that has the wrist brace. Oh, yeah. So, you can really whip it back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which are edible. Yeah.

But we did steal them from the bottom of the rope ladder that leads up to Rick's robe. Do not tell Rick, please. Great. So, I want to do a fortune roll. So, one die. Somebody pick it to roll it to see kind of how things have been going for the first little bit of Big Mark. I'll do this one. Yeah. Fortune. Three. Okay. You're just doing your thing, setting up, selling things here and there. No, like, big money. Items like a forget-me-pop, a chocolate bar.

No one's come by and asked about the weapons, so you've been smart enough to not reveal that. But a member of mall security approaches your booth. Ugh. The fuck is this? It's not Tina Derger. It's not the nice one. Is it Corb Green? No, it's not Corb Green. I think it's just a shitty guy. He's got like a five o'clock shadow. His name's Trimp. Is he from shitty? Does he have a neck beard? Yeah, totally. He's got a five o'clock shadow that goes all the way down to his chest.

And he has a neck tattoo, too, under the neck beard, but you can kind of see it. What's the point? It's a neck tattoo of a dragon, but the dragon has bare breasts. Sick. I can't stop looking at his tattoos. And he's chewing a piece of gum. Like, he's just chewing gum. He's like, What we got here, kids? Pop my head out of the tent. Cool treat, kids? This is our tent. We sell candy. We got some reports that there's an unlicensed booth in this part of Big Market.

You wouldn't know anything about that, would ya? Probably the fucking snake guy. Yeah. This weirdo. Definitely him. Oh, Dwight? No, me and Dwight go back. Dwight's like, yeah, yep, we do. Oh, sorry, Dot. I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna start anything, but, uh, you know, not having a license, that's a pretty hefty fine. Illegally selling goods during Big Market, that's a pretty hefty fine. I'd hate to have to take you kids in. What's it gonna take to take you in? Oh, I don't know.

And he reaches his hand up to scratch his face and he starts doing the like, fingers rubbed together money thing. Okay. He goes, who knows, you know? It's just, it's Big Market, it's crazy. There's a lot of stuff going on. Hey, what's your name? I don't have to tell you that. He has a name tag that says Tramp. Hey, Tramp. Oh, shit. You look like you have a stressful job. Maybe I do. Yeah. He pats his sword. Okay. But the scabbard flaps are bound in a way that suggests there's no blade. Yeah.

You know, we deal in, like, some hard candies. If you know what I mean. Some good stuff. Is that so? Yeah. And, like, what if I gave you some and you just minded your own business and went on your way? Somebody's gonna have to roll something. Actually, Clover's gonna have to roll something because she's doing the talking. I don't know with what. Sway or something like that usually? A tune? Yeah. Yeah, I have a tune. Maybe you are attuning into, like, oh, this guy wants to get fucked up. Yeah.

And I can tell by your, like, cool tattoo. That you're, like, into cool stuff, right? Maybe. Yeah. Actually, you know what? Now that since the tune is more, like, vibing people out in this setting, like, a tune totally makes sense. Five. Five. Okay. So five is a partial success. Sweet. And he is like, all right. Yeah, I didn't want to say that it was you without a permit. I've seen your permit. And he, like, yells outside the side. Totally. It's right here. Totally. So I'll take some of these.

He grabs a bag of, forget me, pops, a full bag. Wow. Okay. You're gonna want to take one of those, like, ASAP because they are good. And you should actually share them with your friends. Maybe I will. Maybe I will. They'd love them, too. I bet they would. Cool. Yeah, you're so cool. And people love it when cool people share with them. You'll be the most popular security boy. That's what Fenton pops his head out to say. He's out front. Oh, he's just there. All right. No, thanks a lot, kids.

Thanks for making sure everything's in order. And he leans in and he says, and at the end of the day, I'll be back for five percent. And he starts walking away. Okay. Five percent. I'll give that guy five percent. He holds up his knuckle. Reel it in, Franklin. He's not gonna remember. And you have some time to sort of pursue the goals that you want to pursue. So what's the plan? And there are people streaming by. Like, Big Market is busy. Come ye, come ye. Have your fortunes told.

Do you want to know life's secrets? I will tell them for you. And I just do stuff like that. Yeah. And I pick up some of the glitter from my little, like, glitter trail and I, like, splash it around. Nice. Yeah. You're gonna have to roll to attract somebody, I think. Okay. I'd say a tune as well to be spooky. Four. Okay, yeah. That's another partial success. So, yeah, you, it's like a mid-thirties guy who's really sweaty. He's like, you sure you're doing fortunes? I certainly am, sir.

So you can, like, help people know, like, the future. Yeah. And, like, what is gonna happen and if it's gonna be good or bad. Yes. Hundred percent guarantee satisfaction. And if, like, somebody had, like, sent a risky letter recently, would you be able to tell them how the letter would be received? Only the universe knows and only the stars can tell me. Okay, how much? One coin. Done. In here, in the tent? And he just, like, dives into the tent. Yep, I usually go first, but, yep, no problem.

And I think we'll, we'll, we'll pause there for a second. We'll cut back. So what are Fenton and Franklin doing? I was gonna maybe do a routine to bring the crowd in, but I was also thinking of sabotaging some other people's booths. Ooh, good idea. And that's why I brought these fucking, everyone thinks they're for the moth routine, but they're actually weapons that I've been practicing with in secret. Moth and I'm Jackson. Yeah. Alright, I like that. Yeah. So, who is Fenton going to sabotage?

Who are the other kid gangs that are here? The Pixie Sticks are here, for sure. The Cherry Pits are here again, but they're more fruit and produce. They're not really candy. Fuck them anyways. The Nog Hogs, they kind of encroach in your demographic. Yeah, I'm walking around, like, kind of looking at everyone that's available. I went for a walk. The Fudgies. Fudgies. And the Fudgies are, like, they're teenagers, and their shit is, like, really good. Oh, but their song is so…

Hey, hey, we're the Fudgies! It's like, ugh, it's really you. Fudgie, Fudgie, Fudgie, Fudge, Fudgie. Fudge! Yeah, that's the thing, is, like, the shitty songs that we did at the beginning of the session, we were trying to do them as we're setting up, and then no one was coming, and then I went over to what they were doing, and it's, like, glee over there. Wow.

They have a little, like, barbershop quartet singing about Fudge, and it's so loud that people are inevitably drawn, in this part of Big Market, they're inevitably drawn to the Fudgies. And then once people have fucking bought and eaten Fudge, they're down for the count. They don't want anything else. We're fucked if these people keep selling Fudge. You gotta bring them down. Yeah, I gotta bring these motherfuckers down. And so we cut to the Fudgers. We cut to the Fudgies. Motherfudgers.

Right now, he's, like, two rows away, like, watching them from, like, what he is, like, this is a secret where they know. Can I see me watching them? But he's standing on a schnitzel seller's table. He's like, I'm gonna kill those fucks. And the schnitzel seller is, like, putting cloth over all the schnitzels. And he's like, actually, if you just step that way, you'd really be helping me out. Help me pound this schnitzel. He takes one step over. Thank you. Continue. These people.

He starts smashing them in his face. He's like, those Fudgies are gonna rue the day that they ever decided to congeal fat and sugar into a brick of fat and sugar. And to anybody except Fenton right now, the Fudgies look really nice. They're very charismatic. They're singing. A song that's actually kind of nice. They're just really sweet people. They all wear sweater vests and it's he's putting this together in his head.

He's just like so mad about how put together there and he jumps off and he runs away. Thank you. So Fenton leaves. What's Franklin doing? I mean, I'm a little worried about you going off to take on the whole Fudgies. So, okay, as Fenton starts leaving, you're like, I should really go with Fenton. And then little kid comes up and it's like, hey, yo, what's up, little man? Shh, come on. What do you got, big fella? Lower your voice. This is as low it goes. I've hit puberty.

I can't go lower than this. If I whisper, it squeaks. It's so ridiculous. That's good. That's good. That's a good volume. Okay. I hear that you you're selling and he starts winking at you. You know, candy. Yeah, but he's winking so much that his eyes basically just closed and twitching. I'm looking for, uh, you know, the, the, the dangerous stuff. I got you. He backs up, puts down a false front and then hits the button and it flips over. What kind of package you looking for?

And his eyes widen, he starts rubbing his hands together and he's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna get him back good. How many people you got trying to, uh, revenge? Just one, but I want to revenge the heck out of them. You know what? Revenge is a dish best served sweet. That's so cool that you said that cause it's candy. Yeah. Did you get that? Was that on purpose though? What do you mean? Revenge. Sweet. Candy. Oh shit. Uh, yeah, of course. That's so cool. It's candy revenge gear.

Hey, how much you got? He pulls his hands out of his pockets and just does that kid thing where he opens them and goes this much. I got this many. What's this? Get me. Yeah. It's like one spear buck, a handful of twine. It looks like a human tooth and just a bunch of hair. What the fuck is this kid doing? Okay. This stuff is not cheap. Okay. I can get in a lot of trouble. Yeah. Look at this. You can get in. He holds up the tooth. Look at that. That's a pretty big tooth. It is.

It's like a beaver cat tooth. I don't know. I found it. Let me see that in a toilet. It's a grown man's tooth. Found this in a toilet. Yeah. What's that going to get me? Like, I don't know. Um, uh, look, I got a score to settle. Are you going to help me out or not? I mean, not for one spear buck. You got to come back with something. This is the illegal shit. This is the good shit. My cheapest package. Is five spear. But wow. And he goes, wow, five spear bucks.

How much does it cost to, uh, to pay down the fine for illegally selling weapons at big market? Oh, out of curiosity. Huh? I'm just saying if you're going to be a crime, you better be ready to pay for crimes. He's trying to be tough. Just saying if you're going to be a big crime boy, you better be ready for crime time. Okay. I got something. I'm about ready for crime time. Start rolling up his sleeves. You're not going to fucking intimidate me, you broke piece of shit. All right. This is a okay.

I'm going to say this is risky because he's like, I'm going to tell on you. Like if you blow this, he's going to tell on you. I know, but I was thinking I do kind of want to befriend this kid. What if he's got like rich parents? I mean, you got to convince him of otherwise. He's being a little dipshit right now. Yeah. It sounds like he has rich parents. Go ask your mommy and daddy for some fucking money, bud. I've got the savage threat. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think will happen to you if you rat me out? Do you think I'm scared? Look at the way I live. Look at how dirty my teeth are. Feel those. Feel fuzzy they are. I haven't brushed my teeth for months. Oh my God. Your breath smells like the inside of a rotting like thing. That's horrific. You gosh darn right it is. You can't scare me. And I want you to be able to get revenge. And what's what's their name? I can't. I'm not at liberty to tell. I'll give you a discount. All right.

His name's Coop. And he widens his eyes and looks over his nose at you. You know the one. I've heard Coop. He's been pushing a lot of weight around. I let him borrow my turtle like three weeks ago. And I said, give him back. It's time for his bermation soon. And you know what Coop said to me? What does Coop say to you? He said that I smell like a butt. You kind of stink a little bit. Wow. All right. Okay. It's not for everybody. But I'm going to get my turtle back.

I'm going to show him who smells like a butt. You know what's going to get that back? I got what's called licorice net. What's the candy net called? Oh, bubble gum net. Oh, yeah. I got a bubble gum net. You're going to have to convince him. You got to roll something. I'm going to roll my sleeves up. I'm going to insinuate a little piece of shit. So it's not an extra die. It's that there's more effect. Command. I have command. You have command. So that means you get one.

And if you roll because of Savage, you get like a greater effect. Okay. You go tell your parents to give you more. Five. Five. All right. So that is that is a success. Great. Goes. Okay. All right. No, I can tell that you know how to you know how to write some wrongs. I know that you've punched a face or two. Man, I would like to also punch a face at some point. And you seem like the kind of guy that will tell me which hand to do it with.

And that's some information that I could really be good with. It's whatever hand you brush your teeth with. So I don't actually know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Anyways, I can go talk. I'll go. I'll go shake down my parents. I'll be back. I'm going to keep this here for you. I like you. Yeah. Okay. You know what? I'm going to come back. I'm gonna come back with that full five. I believe it. I'm gonna come back with that full five.

This this candy crusher package is yours. Oh, I can't wait. Thanks for doing business with me. Thank you. Yes. And he leaves. And we cut to Clover in the in the tent with this sweaty man and he's got a sweat. Sweaty palm out in front of you. It's so humid in there. I had to take my scarf and veil off. Oh, you're a little kid. I thought you were like a halfling or something. No, no. I just look really young for my age, which is 40. My pants. I use a lot of skin creams. Oh, I have never done that.

So I believe you. Cool. Let's look at your hand. Here you go. And it's so slick. This is wet. So wet. What was it? What's it say about like letters? Letters. It says that. The letter was very long. That is true. Yes. And full of harsh words. In a sense, I suppose. Yes. It's OK. You see that line right there? Which one? One across your palm. That's steak sauce. Oh. And he wipes it off. I meant the one beside the steak sauce. OK. That means. That the gods are on your side.

And this one here on the inside means you have a guardian angel. So I wouldn't worry too much about the letter, but I would worry about this line. The big one that lines outside of your thumb. It's broken. What does that mean? Does that mean her boyfriend's going to come beat me up? Let me look into. You got to roll something. You got to roll something. Yeah. Look into the cards. See how this resolves. What is this? A tune? What do you think? Ritualist. Actually.

Ritualist can study occult rituals to summon supernatural effects. So that sounds like what we were saying we would use ritualists for. OK. As being like a convincing hippie, basically. Oh. Three. So they're not great. No. Failure. Oh, shit. But it was. This is all controlled. He's like desperate. Uh-huh. For this. So he's letting it happen. So if you wanted to avoid the consequence, you could take a point of stress. Yeah. Sure. I really want his money. So I use my stress. He goes. OK. Cards.

These look like playing cards. They're not. They were gifted to me from my great great great grandmother passed down from eldest daughter to eldest daughter. They hold many powers. Why do they look like trading cards, though? Because. They appear differently to anyone else who looks like a trading card. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit.

I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. Psychic here or am I the psychic? That's right. Shut the fuck up. So wait. So because I'm looking at the cards they look like magisterium cards. Yes. But to you they look like something else? Yes.

Alright. Tell me about the cards. I'm willing to pay if it means that I will not get put into a dumpster again. What is happening with this guy? And we're going to cut back to Fenton for a second. Can you try to get some of the information about him because I'm so interested in what's happening here. Alright. So we cut to Fenton at the fudgies booth. Yeah. And they're like dead. The fuck is happening? Everybody wants some fudge. Why does fudge taste so great?

Something, something, something, something. Why don't you buy some fudge? Why does this stuff taste like fudge? Why does it taste like fudge? That's because it's fudge. Fudge is a winning game and all of you can play the same kind of fudge. It will make you fall in love. Fall in love. Fall in fudge. Fall in fudge. And then I can't even say it. The guy jumps out with a horn. It goes on for a while. They have a fucking horn? Yeah. It's amazing. They've got quite a crowd around them. Yeah.

So they finish the song and people fucking rush the booth. Everyone's throwing coins. Fudge! Yeah. There's spearbucks flying. You see gold glinting through the air. Yeah. There's hard currency being spent here. Yeah. So I'm watching them make so much money and us get totally fucking hosed right now. And I'm just like what the shit fuck is this? It's so funny. Everyone fended swears. Because he also doesn't understand the swears that he's using. No, not at all. What the ass fuck?

Are you dicking me? What? We're getting fucking dicked in the face right now. Some adults are like, I don't think you know what you're saying. I don't think you know what you're fucking saying, you long butted idiot. Do I have a long butt? Am I an idiot? And so I guess he kind of wants to get some information about like weak points in their security maybe. Yeah, maybe he wants to steal their coins. Yeah, I was thinking that too or like make their fudge seem awful.

Yeah, like maybe like sabotage their fudge in a big way. Those are yeah, those are three good options sabotage their fudge find out what other weak points they have or straight up steal their money. Yeah, and also the fucking patina on their like shiny ass teeth and their perfect pitch and their preparation. Fuck this. There's something fucked up going on with these weirdos.

I like that you're just like a bunch of fucking street rats that live in an abandoned chocolate store and you see like happy, capable, confident business people and you're like something's fucking wrong with them. This is truly how all comedians think of regular. Oh, you just have a job in a house in a family. Fuck you piece of shit. There's something going on wrong with you probably eat live birds or something, right? Some fucked up everything about me is fucked up is right on the surface.

My mom and I'm guess I'm monologue. My mom love turtles where she loved me. She forgot me here at the mall. My dad loved scarecrows and he hated farmers. What the fuck is wrong with these people? So what do I roll? Well, what are you doing? I'm monologuing while I study their fucking booth. So that's study. So the thing that you're doing is trying to figure out what their weak point is. I guess so that'd be survey in my eyes, but you tell me what it is.

No, I don't want to use survey because I have nothing. I like look around and there's good fucking Doris is nearby. She set up a shitty food booth pretty close and I go up to her and I'm like Doris. I need fucking information on these chubs. So what are you using? Consort that is a smart use of that. I will say yeah, he's like I'm just going to go ask somebody that I know. Yeah, I was really getting worked up. Come over in your red and you're like, I need help. Oh, little Fenton. Are you okay?

Do you need Heimlich maneuver? No, I need you to Heimlich a fucking don't swear. Okay, I need you to Heimlich some don't say a good word. Say a good boy word. I'm like my anchor out of my tummy. Okay. Okay, it's okay boy. I'm so mad. My boy, my boy. I only had one chocolate bar today. She takes her little sailor hat off and she starts like smoothing down your curly hair. I'm wearing a sailor hat with the leotard. Oh, sorry. I forgot you'd already.

I forgot about the no, I'm wearing a sailor hat with the leotard. You're always dressed like a little sailor, right? Yeah. Most of the time I decided to wear a leotard today though, but still the Donald Duck sailor hat. So she takes it off and she tries to smooth down your curly hair and it calms me down a little bit. It's okay. What is the problem? Like all these fucking fudgies are taking all of our business. You're in competition with the fudgies? I'm in competition. That's what I've decided.

Oh, Fenton. I do not know about that. But if people stop giving all their coins to them, maybe we get some of those coins. Yes, that is perhaps true. Yes. So how do we, what, what are their weaknesses? Okay, you gotta roll. Tell me what fucked up things I can use against them or whatever. So what, so Bye. What's a partial? So she'll tell you something. What is the weakness? I want you to tell me. Their fudge is being kept cool. Oh, yeah. It's gotta be kept at a specific temperature.

And they have a power system. A bunch of elves are working the what do you call it? Treadmills? Yeah, they're working like a little gear system. Tiny bikes. Yeah, that cools down their fudge trays. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a hot summer right now. It is. It's the middle of July. And they're really mean to their elves. They are. Yeah. And the air conditioning doesn't reach this part of the mall. They're under one of the skylights. Yeah. Maybe we can organize a union. Yeah. Unionize the elves?

I was thinking of doing that, yeah. That's pretty funny. Yeah. So if you go talk to the elves. Yeah. So wait, is it, are we positing that people know about elves? Yeah, I think everybody knows the elves run the mall. It's been unclear in the past. So we're saying, yeah, people know about elves. Yeah. Cool, cool. Yeah. Okay, yeah. So Doris tells you that. Yeah. I don't know. They've been treating those political elves pretty bad.

And I think if one little boy wanted to cause trouble, he could start from the ground up. Start from a grassroots movement. Anyways, I should get back to giving away my shitty food. Okay, thanks a lot, Doris. And he grabs a handful of pulled pork, stuffs it into his mouth and runs away. God, that tastes awful. And yeah, so that's what you learn. Okay. The elves are not being treated well. Back to Franklin. So that kid comes back with five spear bucks. Sweet. I got five spear bucks.

Man, a deal's a deal. Here you go, my little man. All right. I can give him a bubble gum net. Oh, right. It's a bubble gum net. Yeah. Yeah. And I throw in a couple throwing canes. They're cheap. They're easy to make. Throwing canes? Oh, candy canes. Candy canes that have been sucked sharp. Oh, hell yeah. Suck these myself. Suck these myself. Oh, that's quality. It's true, man. You be careful with those. Coop's gonna rube the day he ever stole my turtle. Rube? Yeah, he's gonna rube the day.

Rube the day. You said rube the day. Yeah. Rube the day. It's rue the day. I think I know what a rube is. And he walks away. Rube. What else is and so he frankly just flips back when that kid leaves. Yeah, totally. And there's some there's just like a family in front of the booth like, oh, candy kids. Yes, we've got tons of candy kids. Wow. We are from Black Glass and we are just so excited to be here. I gotta say we've never been to such a flavorful place before.

I've heard of the people of Black Glass having great taste. Oh, you could say that much and you'd be right. And a little bit of a sweet teeth. Oh, this one. And the wife like pats her husband's shoulders. He just loves the sweet. He's like, it's true. I do. He's getting no teeth. I can't eat much of anything else. To be honest, I lost all these in a in a tetherball league. Whoa. Yeah, I played tetherball for like eight or nine years and I'm lucky to be walking, man. I think I know what you need.

Some wine gums, a little chewy, a little make you a little take away. I'm going to pain pain. What? What the candies do what? I mean, they take away your pain pain, honey. I think this child is selling drugs. It's candy. Yeah, but it has a narcotic effect of some kind. No, no, no, no. It just simulates a narcotic daughter grabs her mom's like like mom. Is this a drug deal? He takes off his chocolate hat and starts. To do. To do. I'm doing like a really awful soft shoe. You trying to make a sale?

Yeah, I definitely want to get them to buy some of these. How are you going to do that? God, wine gums. How do I? I mean, you like to relax. It looks like you've got a lot of troubles, family troubles on your hands. Yeah, but we don't like to relax with illicit substances. What's illicit? You can buy these at any dime store corner town. I've never seen not in our corner town. I could tell you that, but I'm not going to do much. Yeah, we live in a neighborhood. It's mostly brunch places.

Okay, you know what I'm going to give you a free sample. You got to also you got to roll something command. You know what you take this take it take it. So you get one. Okay, try it. Try it. Try it. Try it. Okay, as a one, I should have thought of the position before do we think that was a risky or desperate because this seems like a dicey situation telling somebody to eat a candy is pretty stupid desperate. Yeah, I think it's desperate. So you get why did we leave Franklin?

He's a terrible system. He's the worst salesman of all of us, but clover wanted to. Do the thing. Yeah, and Fenton really worked himself up for almost no reason and then bolted. This was my dream. So yeah, exactly. So whoa kid, don't yell at my wife and slash children and also me. I don't appreciate it. If you wanted to resist the consequences of this, I'll take a little stress. You take three stress. Oh big boy stress. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, you better explain yourself young man.

I am a well respected minor league sports aficionado where I am from. So you just know about sports? No, I play it as occasionally. Okay, I played one game. I got hit right in the mouth and I retired. I would like to talk to your manager. Get your manager. Oh, yes. Sorry. I'm having a bad day and then I'll go get then. Yeah, I guess I'm running back anyway. Oh, because you learned about the L. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. I got myself in a pickle. I freaked out at a family of weirdos.

What I tried to sell drugs to squares. I'm better reading people. We have got to stop selling drugs. It is not worth me. I can sell weapons. That's it. I look over. She's average height, lank blonde hair, very upset expression. One of those sleeveless kind of silk blouses with the frillies at the top, tasteful culottes, some flats. The dad is wearing a polo shirt. It is red. His pants are shorts. His shoes are new balance. But all of that, the fantasy equipment.

And they've got two crappy little kids. What the fuck happened? I don't know how to sell things. I keep trying to make people buy them. Okay, okay. I got a plan. We're going to have to bring Mr. Gilbert out of retirement. Cut to Clover in the tent. And the guy's like, so what do the cards say? Well, it will cost you an extra coin. It takes a lot of energy and concentration to read these cards. Okay, I'll pay. An extra coin? An extra coin. Okay. Let me call upon the spirits.

I'm going to lay out some cards. Do I need to do anything? No. Actually, if you close your eyes and you hope for the outcome, you think about your life, your past, present, and future. And I will lay out the cards one by one. Yeah, what's your goal here? I'm trying to give him an answer that he'll be happy with. I'm going to try to gather info from him. That would be 2d6 minus take the lowest. Three? Three. Is that a failure? Yeah, unless you want to take a stress. I'll take a stress. Yeah.

So I think you can get some base level stuff. And with your eyes closed, describe your past. What brought you here to me? Well, I'm in love. With a woman. Yes. Yes. The cards tell me so. And she is of great beauty, is she not? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Tell me her name. The spirits will need to call upon her. Okay. Vera. I do like some, like, hand movements over the cards. Call upon the power of the queen to have Vera open her heart. To… Blarth. Blarth. Blarth, I see you are a passionate man. I am.

Tell me about your present. The situation. Oh, it's not good. I work part-time at Poofs. And I'm in love with Vera. She's a dishwasher. And I thought we had a fun time. But she's dating this guy. Okay. And he's a fucking… Fucking Barbo. And he is just dumb as a brick. I don't even think he can read. Not that that's a big deal in our world. In society, a lot of people can't read. But I am so smart. I see that. And the cards see that. The cards tell you to use your wits.

This seems like an attune. Okay. To kind of do the fortune teller thing. And I'm going to go with… Six. Yes! Nice. Bang, bang, boom. So, yeah, you're going to be able to… Fucking cold read the shit out of this bitch. Because of the Barbo information, which I literally came up with as I was saying it. No, that's great. Clover's got an in. What's a reasonable amount of money to get out of one person? This guy's in fucking love. Yeah. Three coin. Three coin is not crazy. $150?

That's like a bouquet of two dozen roses. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you can get 10 coin out of this guy. No fucking way. 50. Five. Five. Sorry, five coin. Maybe five is the upper limit. Because I will say, he said he works at Poofs. He probably lives in the mall. He's not flush with hard currency. He's probably got some coins saved up. He does. Because he's a reader. Oh, but you got it. Yeah, you got a six. Let's agree on a number of coins that is fair. I think five is the max.

Everyone say it at the same time. One, two, three. Five. Five or more. Yeah. Five or more. Okay. Five, five, five. You're right. You're right. All right. So he's got his eyes closed. Okay. Blarth, I know that you're a smart man and you use your words wisely. And I feel that you can use this to your advantage. I'm going to need another sacrifice if I'm going to give you more information. He opens his eyes. Sacrifice? It will cost another coin. This is what the spirits are telling me.

Another spear box? They need gold. It must be pure. The spirits need gold? Yes. I'm going to count them out while we're doing it. So you've already got two. Yeah. So this will be the third. All right. Okay. It's worth it. It's worth it. Clink. Three. And I place the gold coin on the present, on the card of present. He's a large man, is he not? I guess. He's strong. I see red hair. Short. Short. Pushed back. What? You see all that? I do. Yeah. The spirits tell me so.

He kind of opens his eyes and looks around the tent like. Your eyes must be closed. Okay. I know his weakness. And you are right. He does not read. Do it. I can move towards the future if you wish. I do. I do. It will cost you another, again, another sacrifice. Another sacrifice, huh? Yeah. But it will ensure that Vera will return your love. Really? If the gods will it. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. Yeah. And he gives you another gold coin. And I place that on the future card.

Four fucking coins. Wow. And I close my eyes and I hold my hands out. Place your palms within my palms. And I immediately regret that because I'm so sweaty. So this is what you must do. You must write the greatest love poem that has ever been written. And you must give it to Vera. All right. I can do that. I'll sway her with my heart, with my soul. Yeah. And the other thing you must do is you must confront this man. What? What? Why? What do you mean? What do you mean?

Because Vera is a woman who loves not only the inner strength, but the outer strength. Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh-oh. This is what the cards tell me. Oh, no. I wish the cards didn't tell you that. So what, I have to go fight him? Not necessarily. Vera just must see you overpower him in some way. What? Every strong man has an Achilles heel. Every Achilles has a heel. Wow. All right. My mind's eye is wandering, and I see Borbo. He lays in repose in the darkest corner of the mall.

The spirits tell me that you are to bring Vera on a walk. Invite her out. And along the way, you will find Borbo in repose in front of the sugar shop. Do you know where that is? I do. All right. That's that gross part of the mall that only the poor people live in. Yes. Yes. Spirits are trying to tell me something else, but I don't know what. Is it how I can defeat Borbo? I think it is. They might need more. One more? Yes. All right. This is the only way. Okay. Here you go. Clank.

I put it on the card. And I… And I… I pretend to be like… Like thrown back by the power of the cards. Yeah. Odomay Brown. I know his Achilles heel. What is it? When Borbo lays in repose, he is exposed. And when his eyes are closed, you just slap him in the balls. His balls? And his face. And his face. Balls and face. At the same time? If you can. Wow. Those are his greatest weaknesses. Okay. All right. And in that show of strength, Vera will see you for the man you really are.

Strong in mind and of body. Okay. All right. I can do this. I can do this. I can slap his balls. No problem. And then Vera will love me, I guess. Thank you. What's your name? What is it? Greta. Greta. Thank you so much, Greta. You're welcome. Your gift has been a… A gift. I'm covering my face again. Yeah. You are not to look upon me again. I wouldn't. I couldn't. Oh, thank you so much, Greta. And he rushes out of the tent. There's glitter fucking everywhere. And I am so sweaty.

And their inside smells like farts at this point. There's no ventilation. We cut back to the front counter with Mr. Gilbert. I come out of the tent. I'm like… Now look, buddy. Your kid, wherever he went, tried to sell me and my wife and my child drugs. And I am irate right now. And you got a dirty little kid coming out of a tent covered in glitter. It smells like garbage. Excuse me. Who do you think you're speaking? Wait, sorry. Are you like a halfling or something? Yes. I am so…

I'm so sorry. I don't want… Look, I'm not… Classic halfling hater. No, no, come on. Is this discrimination? No. No. I am the proprietress of this market location. Look, hey. No, I… Look, I don't hate halflings. I voted for the halfling representative in my district. Really? Two years in a row. Because it looks like you showed me disrespect. And you are showing my employees disrespect. I thought he was the manager. And he pointed… No. He pointed Fenn on top of Franklin's shoulders.

We're in the Mr. Gilbert configuration right now. Not Toblerone Joe. Yeah, Mr. Gilbert. What's the difference between them again? Toblerone Jones has boxing gloves. And a headband. Oh, Mr. Gilbert. And Mr. Gilbert, I found a fedora for him. Oh my God. And fucking Fenton is obsessed with it now. This is the manager, but I am the owner. Oh. All right. Well, I am irate. I would like that addressed. Yeah, we would like that addressed. We're both irate. Should I deal with this or do you want to?

I think we can deal with it. Yeah. Like, we come at… I clearly cannot. It's like, I'm like, shut the fuck up. I'm like, okay, okay, fine. Look. Look. I, as an adult man, understand that a mistake was perpetrated here by the boy who was working here. He's a troubled youth that we employ, okay? So, we're trying to… We're married. He's coming over the… It's like me and the halfling are married. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. We're… We try…

We adopted a troubled youth, and we tried to employ him at our candy stand slash… Fortune telling booth? Fortune telling booth. We understand how hard your lives are, and I put… I try and lean forward to touch both of their shoulders, but I… I have to catch you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And pull me back a bit. I'm like, okay. Franklin's, like, straining under… Oops. Yeah, and I'm like, I understand how hard it is to be a parent. As a parent, we're parents. We understand.

It's fucking impossible, and I'm a black ass, too. Just frowns. Look. Look. I get it. You've said look a lot. Is there a point here? Yeah, it draws it out a little bit more so I can think. Like, I'm killing time. But it's hard to be parents, and the only thing that really gets us through it is these. And I hold up a bag of wine gums, and I'm like, it's usually 10 coins a bag, but I understand how hard it is for you right now. You got a long cart ride back to Black Glass with these little shits.

Well, you better believe it. I'm willing to give it to you for five. What are you rolling? Sway. This is risky. Yeah. But it would be great effect, because obviously five is what they cost. Yeah. They cost one. Yeah. I guess I lied to him and then discounted to five times. To five times how much it actually. Yeah. He's kind of loopy from how angry he was, so the numbers are all fucked up at his head. Coming down off being that mad. Yeah. Yeah. Six. Oh. Yes! Fuck. Yeah! Fuck! He spends yelling.

And the guy is like steaming, still steaming. Face is red. Classic red guy. Just a… Just a… He's got old sunglasses on the back of his head. Old, thick, white man with a sunburned face. And the wife is like, honey, come on. They're just parents of indeterminate age. They're trying their best. You know what it was like when we were of an indeterminate age. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's true. Alright, what was it, five coins?

Yeah and this will that's that's half up by the way because I understand how hard it is to be parent it's fucking hard yeah saving for college all that stuff yeah a lot of god the trade schools in black glass are unbelievable and so we've heard yeah we can sympathize well this little shit wants to go to the steam workers academy can you believe that yeah yeah we can't we can't make you pay 10 coins five coins all right five coins it is and you know what pop one of these in your mouth when you're getting in the carriage on the way that ride is going to be as smooth as you've ever you know as smooth as a baby's shit wow that's pretty smooth I guess they're loose as hell down there yeah I yup okay sure anyway here's your coins clank thank you here's your wine gums and the wife takes them right away yeah starts popping them in her mouth honey please it's coming rose and they walk away I as they're walking away I'm like from one adult man to another I offer my respect to you and I will bow now what are you doing stop it bow as they're walking away you're bowing before right before they walk away okay do I have to roll for that no that's dumb it's a it's a funny image but I'm not gonna get you guys to roll a bunch of stuff in the toblerone or no mr gilbert who is a very tall man in a trench coat bows from where the knees would be I imagine the dad has already walked away yeah he's leaving franklin's like was that was that worth it did they see was it cool yeah fenton tumbles off the top now you guys have 10 coins how bad oh shit we're almost there yeah I got five I got five spear bucks 10 coins five spear bucks that's pretty good I'm gonna go with the spear bucks that's a great day guys I was over at the fudgy goes what's their name the fudgies I was over at the fudgies and they're making money hand over fist there's no fucking way we're gonna win with just 10 coins if they are still selling like they're gonna get 20 or more probably by the end of the day damn it I think we're gonna have to pull some cold treat kids shenanigans if we wanna even have a hope of winning this I'm down for some shenanigans I'm down so how are you going about sabotaging the fudgies we gotta talk to the elves yeah who has got a tune me yes yeah you got that special relationship with the elves because you're you know whatever this is he just he just gestures broadly you know because of because of all of this right I'm comfortable I wear my robe I think that would help yes okay yeah yeah okay leaving our stuff um the nice lady's watching it for us oh you linda is like oh no problem I'll keep an eye don't worry thanks you linda I'll throw you some wine gummies at the end oh clover you just know I know they're your favorite you just know I do dwat's like joe's you're just like they get you fucked up what these candies they get you fucked up a little bit I get bit by a lot of snakes I'm trying to dull out pain oh well if you're not a fan of the fudgy you're not a fan of the fudgy you're not a fan of the fudgy you want to keep a double eye on our and on my tent and stuff well I only got the one the other one's made out of glass okay well can you keep your good eye on our tent you know a little lady okay and I'll throw you some of those forget me pops all right and he does a very elaborate hat tipping motion he is not wearing a hat okay I do it back all of us do it back he does he does a very he brings his hand up in a very elaborate hat tipping motion and there's a snake hanging from his arm oh son of a bitch you tip your hat to dwat and you walk into big market the camera pans up over the raucous aisles of booths you see in the distance a stage with a tiny little man surrounded by a very average looking family playing to a crowd of elated people you see a little boy covered in a bubble gum net sprinting down a booth being chased by mall security was it the kid who bought the thing who can say he's activated and you see a world of possibilities and we will pick this up next time with part two of the big market job uh thanks for joining us this time everybody for spelt more Mall Brats I've been your game master Sean O'Hara playing clover ivy fern the whisper jessica tie good night everyone playing franklin stein the cutter Paul Oppers take care and playing fenton beasley the slide abdulaziz so long this show would be a pleasure to watch and I'll see you next time on the big market job literally not be possible we're not for the amazing support of all of our patreon supporters thank you like just genuinely thank you what an incredible gift you have given us yeah and in return except this incredible gift of Mall Brats yeah this one this one in terms of character voices got pretty out of hand that's good but I had a great time world of blades is an rpg by duam figueroa based on Blades in the Dark by John Harper you can find Blades in the Dark basically anywhere you buy rpgs and you can find world of blades by googling world of blades and going through a few links to find the old version that's archived on I think rpg world or maybe contact duam figueroa on twitter or Sean O'Hara or Sean O'Hara and I'll point you in the direction of duam figueroa we'll see you next time and so ends the tale of the cool treat kid always up to no good so tiny and greedy and angsty they be as they navigate crime and puberty and though our journey may be like a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to the chocolate store as the cool treat kids plan their next score and for you I'll gladly spout more oh this one starts with like getting up in the morning oh yeah like you're all gathering your shit getting ready to go getting up in the sugar shack and we are preparing for big market we've been waiting for you for this day for so long and girls we gotta make twenty yeah boys we gotta make gold gonna make gold gold this is gold turn it to you gonna make the phone rings and I'm gonna take on a bunch of new customers for big market where we have a illegal stand oh shit by the snacks or or b b snacks That's what they're telling people When they're marketing We just want some money We're the cool treat kids We're by the snakes You've gone past the snakes You've gone too far We're by the snakes Oh girls We're by the snakes If you are at the fudgie's booth You've gone too far Come to our stand What is this?

It's just a block of wood Is it a xylophone? It's pretty good with that block of wood Wow Wait listen to this How do I do this with wood? Dan Wow Whoa A beautiful girl in Seamus Doesn't see me at all It sucks I'm standing here looking like a fucking snack And Seamus you never talk back To me when I call you How? How are you so good at this?

I am not You are Follow your instincts I'm gonna write in my diary About my horrible day When you threw a hot dog At my face Hot dog Hot dog in my face We're all singing different choruses I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna Hot dog I just wanna Hot dog I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna Corn dog I just wanna Hi I'm Simon I'm G And I'm Boof Have you heard about Pickaxe's hit new old movie podcast?

Yomp We each have a list of six films we want to share Every week We roll a dice to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss MC Bunkerwelt says This trio is perfect for a movie podcast G is the casual that has the mainstream movies Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems And Boof is the salad goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper Messiah Jones says Such a fan of this podcast I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes And Simon can be a real curmudgeon But the three work together well enough to keep the flow And make a good product Serenity indeed says Love this podcast so far But the audio is all over the place Goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle Every time somebody stops talking for even half a second Their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again It's very distracting Edit This audio issue was with my laptop Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms