Episode 13 – A Picture is Worth a Thousand Blades

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corn dog addiction Benton's the slob, he seeks the safe He writes, can't buy her fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome back to Spoutmore Mall Brats, everybody.

I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara, and joining me playing Fenton Beasley the Slide, Abdulaziz. Howdy. Hello. Playing Franklin Stein the Cutter, Paul Oppers. Happy Charles Eve Eve. And playing Clover Ivy Fern the Whisperer, Jessica Tai. Welcome back. When last we left the Cool Treat Kids, they'd pulled off a harrowing yet successful operation to discover the location of the kidnapped mall Charles for the Charles Eve photo booth. Discovering that he was being kept in the den.

An exclusive billiards club beneath the cave. Caveman themed restaurant. And centerpiece of the Man Cave. A food court controlled primarily by a gang called the Barbecue Kings. Who are the enforcers for the vineyard. Yes. The mysterious vineyard whomst we might never meet. Because they pull the strings from behind their velvet curtains. Yeah. From within their… Uh… Fuck. What do moms do? Uh, the living room where no one's supposed to sit down. Yeah. Oh. Oh, man. Vacuuming their curtains.

This is the nice living room. Go to the shitty one. Go to the den where your dad is. Oh, man. And yeah, so what's your plan now? You know where he is? You know where the Charles is? The note that you received from the chunk of steak said that the photo shoot was supposed to be tonight in a mere four hours from now. Should we go back to the sugar shack and plan a plan? Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Should we talk to Corb? Or should we wait? But we might need to do some illegal stuff.

And he said that he didn't want to know of it. True. He told us explicitly not to do any shenanigans. And not to tell him whenever we break the law, which we've been doing a lot recently. Have we? Yeah. I guess we pretended to be an adult. I think so. It's not a specific law, but it's more of like a preference for people, I think. Okay, well, let's talk about it. We're back in the sugar shack. Yeah. Borblow. Hey, what's up, kids? Where you been? Oh, you know, here and there and everywhere.

Down the man cave, mostly. The man cave? I love that place. Man, there is just so much good food and fine people to just… The ladies is what you're talking about? Oh, yeah. Dude, I need to ask you a question. I kept trying to give them money. I don't understand why I was doing that. You know what? Me neither, little bro. It just happens. You see a lady and you're like, hey, look at what I got. Cash. I can take care of you. Am I going through puberty? Is this puberty? I don't know.

How old are you? I don't know. Eight? I don't know. Could be. I have a question, Borblow. Yeah. How do I become a makeup lady like they are? Because, I don't know, they seem to get a lot of nice compliments and they had a bunch of paint on their face. And I was like, maybe I should paint my face. Is that puberty? Maybe. I don't know. I've dabbled with makeup a little bit. I'm wearing eyeliner right now. And he like, opens his eyes forcefully. Oh, wow. Cool. Goes with your keytar. Yeah, exactly.

It kind of gives me like a little bit of pop in the eyes. You know what I mean? Makes, lets people know I mean business. I want to mean business in my eyes. Here, I can, I mean, I can give you some tips like when we have some downtime. Totally. Hell yeah. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Do all you kids want to make a lesson? Yeah, let's all put makeup on. I would love that. Do you guys want to do it right now? Oh, yeah. We have.

I have to dress up as your daughter anyway. Yeah, let's talk about the plan. Borbo gives you guys some early pointers on makeup, like, you know, applying foundation and that kind of stuff. Cool. Tell me more about this T-zone. It's the T-zone misnomer. They think that it's like the T-shape on the bridge of your nose and above your eyebrows, but it's actually your whole face and you're supposed to apply tea to it every night. Wet tea bags.

I just lay them on my face and it gives me like an uncomfortable tightness in the morning that I kind of have to work through throughout the day, but it keeps my face muscles strong. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Those great pointers. Yeah. Anyways, here's a way to make your eyes so distracting that when you're fighting somebody, they look at them for too long. And then he goes through how to do that.

Fenton is, he left while you guys were doing the T-zone thing and he comes back and he's like, did I put too much foundation on? And he's in blackface. Actually, you look pretty cool, buddy. He's done his arms and legs. Oh my God. Yeah. Too much. And then we cut away. We cut it. We cut to them hosing me off pretty aggressively. Yeah. Why? This is all a mistake. I'm sorry. Oh, don't be. So what's your plan for getting into the den? Yeah. We have this like appointment slip and I show it to Borbo.

Yeah. We have an appointment with Mr. Gilbert. Yeah. And Wilhelmina, the daughter. Yeah. Yeah. And then we just go in there legit. Like, yeah, we could, I guess. That's weird. We just don't usually do it, but I'm happy to try. This is so boring though. No, it's, it'll be cool. Okay. I like that you guys are like, okay, how do we get in there? Oh, they're just going to let us in. I wonder if there's a hole in the roof. Maybe we could tunnel underneath with like badgers or something.

Or maybe we could like, you know, drug all of them. Like give them all wine gums or something. Sleep. Forget me, pops. Yeah. Yeah. What if Borbo, you become the dad and then like a Trojan horse sneak attack? That's not bad. A Trojan horse in this universe is a, is a kind of horse that hunts by doing sneak attacks. It's a predatory horse that ambushes. Yeah. It's really good at hiding in bushes. And then it jumps out and like punches you in the face. Perfect. That's terrifying.

I keep thinking about the Grinch. Like if we are to steal Charles and Abel. Oh yeah. Totally. Yeah. So the plan right now is get in normally and then try and steal the Charles with the bag in a surprise attack at some point. Like beg him, get out of there. Yeah. What if we got Borbo to pretend to be our dad and then we all went in and got a photo just for ourselves before we fucking kidnap him? Maybe we can give Charles Eva forget me, pop. Yeah. True. Oh yeah. We can drug Charles.

Once we're sitting on his lap, he'll be so easy to drug. Absolutely. And you're supposed to fight Charles anyway. So you make it look like an, just like a, a big deal. Right. Yeah. I like this. I like this. I'll, I'm in for any kind of fight. All right. Yeah. Let's get our biggest bag. That's, this is actually kind of a good plan. Yeah. Like a little bit. Right. Yeah. And Borbo's like, perfect. So I am pretty young to have three kids your age.

So I'm going to use my makeup skills to make myself look a little bit older. You want me to do your foundation? Nope. I'll do it myself. Thanks a lot. Thanks for the offer. I appreciate it. I have some of Greg's clothes you can wear that I haven't cut up yet. Oh, perfect. Yeah. I'll make you look like a real dad. Great. Perfect. Here, I want to give you some of my candy weapons. I give her a bubble gum and some candy knuckles just in case shit gets real out there, Borbo. Perfect.

I like the idea that the candy knuckles come in one of those like Macintosh toffee style wrappers. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I'll give you a little bit of that bit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, Borbo is actually going to be something called a cohort. Does this mean that Sean's playing? Kind of. Yeah. Not, not, not. It's a Charles Eve miracle. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Um. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

This is a flashback to when Fenton was like hanging from one of the catwalks above and he was slipping and they were like, hold on. Hold on.

Hold on it's all you just so you'd remember to hold on yeah that's what they kept chanting up to me because they're like he's gonna forget and let go he's fucking an idiot well an emergency crew was like bringing a lad but my ears are getting itchy hold on hold on hold on uh so I'm just gonna do a quick thing and create with you guys I'm going to explain what a cohort is it's basically an npc that you can direct to do a task and they have their own tags so your tier one we've decided because of the number of jobs that you've done so borbo is tier two oh sick as an expert that means that he's just like really good at something and he's basically like what muscle yeah basically yeah so that's his job is like muscle good charm so the potential edges are fearsome independent loyal and tenacious you get you can get one or two of those well loyal for sure I think and tenacious yeah my bed jess yeah I'm good yeah so loyal means the cohort can't be bribed or turned against you.

Yeah. Borba would never turn against us. And the tenacious, and tenacious means the cohort won't be deterred from a task. So even if he's like, this is going to be really hard, he's going to do it anyways. Yeah. Because he's too… Works for us. Already is. Yeah. He's too dumb to be like, nah, I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. So now you need to, he gets two flaws because you chose two edges. So the potential flaws are principled, savage, unreliable, and wild. Wild. Wild, definitely.

Because wild is the cohort is drunken, debauched, and loudmouthed. Yeah. We're just going to say he's a loudmouth. Yeah. Principled, I would say. The cohort has an ethic or values that it won't betray. He is principled too. He is. He's like a bro to the fault. Yeah. He's a bro to a fault. Yeah, I think principled. Yeah, he follows the bro code. The bro code sucks. But I know what you mean. Like he's not… But Borbo doesn't. But he's not an underhanded guy is what you mean.

Like if he's going to fight somebody that's going to be straight up, he's going to call them out. He's going to fight them. Yeah. Not just like… The Borb code. The Borb code. We're going to have a thing called the Borb code. Yeah. Rule number one, always take a punch. Borbs before bros. Yeah. Yeah, Borb's number one. You kids are number two currently. Sick. Yeah, okay, cool. So now you've got Borbo. Borbo is like an upgrade that you took basically for your crew. Fuck yeah. Cool. Yeah.

Does Borbo have a bike? Borbo runs really fast. He's got great cardio. He just runs with that small bike. He's not as fast as you biking, but he will get to where you're going eventually. Can you run like this please? Fists in karate chop motion. Oh yeah. Like Terminator style. Yeah. He's using this as his cardio. Yeah. He's really into aerodynamics as he talked in our sex talk. Yeah. Oh yeah.

And since you guys went back to your hideout before you did this, you can uncheck as much of your load as you want and you can choose a different amount if you'd like. I'm going to wear a dress with a lot of pockets. Mm-hmm. So I'm going to have a normal load. Cool. Can you make sure to bring drugs? Yes. I mean, or the candy? Again, it's unchecked until you decide to check it. Oh, right. So normal means that like, yeah, you've got a lot of pockets and a backpack.

Like it's obvious that you're carrying stuff. Well, my dress is extremely poofy. Yeah. So you can't tell. That would be light. No. Yes. It is normal. Fine. Fine. I'll have a big purse. Yeah. Perfect. Perfect. It's just that some like Hello Kitty backpack. Yeah, exactly. It's just if you have normal, someone might be like, hey, what's in your bag? I'll have normal. Okay, perfect. Anybody else changing anything? I'm going to change to normal as well. Cool.

I'm going to put on a Charles Eve sweater and I'm going to slick my hair over so I look good for the photo. Fenton really just wants the photo. Aw. Yeah, that's cute. And Borbo comes out after dadding himself up and he's got khaki shorts that go above the bottom of the knee. They're pleated. Pleated khaki shorts that are like way above the knee. He's got socks pulled up to midway in his calf. Black socks. Yeah. No, I was thinking white socks. White socks? With like shitty running shoes on them.

Yeah. Polo shirt, wraparound sunglasses, a mustache that's gray. And a hat that he got in a box of alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. It says like Amber Mead in like really stylish font. And he has a weird looking contraption and a holster on his belt. What the fuck is that? Don't worry about it, bro. And now comes the engagement roll. You got your plan and now we got to see how you pull off the beginning. So is this operation particularly bold or daring? No. Stealing a man? It's kind of bold.

I don't think we've ever done this. Drugging Santa Claus. And putting him in a bag and trying to sneak him out of a hideout of the barbecue cake. Bold at least. Okay. So yeah. Plus one die. Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan's detail expose a vulnerability of the target or hit them where they're weakest? No. I don't think so. Can any of your friends or contacts provide aid or insight for this operation? Yeah, Borbo.

Yeah, Borbo. So that's two. The Barbecue Kings are a higher tier than you. They are a higher tier. So we'll maybe take one away for that. No, it's just because they're going to be more prepared for this kind of stuff. Okay, fuck. But you also get one base. So that's what you got for engagement roll. So we need to get a six? So basically, how it works is it's like up to, you know, one to three, the failure would be the first roll you're going to do is desperate. Four to five, it will be risky.

And on a six, it'll be controlled. Okay. Yeah. Here we go. Yes! Six! Yes! There you go. So what this tells me is that Borbo pulls off the meeting without a hitch. He goes to the cave. He's like, hey, what's up? I got my kids here and I'm ready for, we made a little appointment for a little certain thing. There's something happening in a little certain basement and he's like winking a lot at this guy. He tips down his wraparound sunglass and is like, can I help a dad out?

And we try and help him sell it. We're trying to be his shitty kids. Yeah. So what does that look like? I am just like kicking at whatever signpost is there. Yeah. It's clanging away. Yeah. What does Franklin's shitty kid look like? He's like rolling his eyes at his dad, just really making him try and feel lame. Again, like apologizing behind him, being like, like the jerk out of hand. Yeah. Just like looking at him like, fuck this guy. You're the cool teen.

You're the cool teen who's just like embarrassed anytime your dad has to talk to anybody. Yeah. Cool. Great. What does Fenton's shitty kid look like? He's got a chocolate bar that he's eating. He's, even though he is eating right now, he's like, can we go get burritos after this? So with all this happening around him, Borbo's looking at the, at the attendant, like, look, my, my wife's really got my beans under a brick. You gotta help me.

And the attendant's like, I don't want beans on my burrito. I don't want beans. And the attendant's like, very well, sir. Come, come, come with me. And there's a sign like the, the cave is a very wide open space. Like think like a Montana's where you walk in and it's one huge, huge room separated by whatever weird barriers. An old truck. Yeah. But it's, but it's a caveman themed restaurant. So it's like the Flintstones car with the footholds underneath it. Yeah.

On the walls, there's like a bunch of like antlers and shit. Yeah. Weenies stuck on them. A huge fire. Yeah. With a roasting animal. Totally. In the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. There's like an old Yesterland style animatronic of like a caveman bonking an animal on the head. Yeah. Yeah. Some sort of weird cow thing. And it's also decked out for Charles Eve because it's Charles Eve. Oh yeah. So there's streamers of meats, bowls of fake meatballs. There's tinsel. Some things are painted pink.

In the ball pit, there's a bunch of shattered glass. There's a bunch of parents like turning their kids away from the ball pit, steering them to the side. There's a room of a birthday party going on and it's in there with a, with a pinata, but instead of baseball bats, they have spears and they're all dressed up as cavemen. They're stabbing in this pinata. It's a Charles pinata. That's another Charles Eve thing where you, it's like, beat the shit out of a Charles pinata.

You beat the shit out of Charles when he breaks into your house. Yeah. Put the beard, just pin the beard on Charles. Yeah. It's happening. Right. And the animatronic caveman is dressed up for Charles Eve as well. So he has a ball of cloth over his head. Oh yeah, I forgot. Yeah. But this, he has a hole cut out for his beard. Yeah. For his big caveman beard. Yeah. Yeah. There's Charles' little helper up there. Rudolph. Randolph. That's Randolph. Randolph. That's not Randolph, kids.

That's just a festive caveman. And the attendant takes you to like the back left corner where there's a staircase that goes down and a sign on the wall above the staircase that says, The Den. And it's very like, fancy looking. Wow. In a dead fancy way. So it's like green and has that like, felted pool tabletop color with like, wood trimmed letters. It looks stupid, but. Sounds rude. Really fancy actually. Yeah. Leather couch looking stuff. Oh yeah. Yeah. With the buttons. Oh yeah. Chesterfield.

Chesterfield for sure. And the attendant goes, right down here, sir. And, Word. I don't even, I don't even know where that comes from. That's what like, my grandparents would call the couches. Yeah. Wild. They'd be like, we got a new Chesterfield. And I was like, cool. And I assumed that they were just the type of couch where it's got like, you know, you fold down like, one of the top cushions in the middle with, which has like a table with cup holders. Oh yeah.

You know, you can have the leg rest. Yeah. That's the thing about when we go into the den, there's cup holders fucking everywhere. So many cup holders. And every piece of furniture in the room can be turned into a recliner. Yeah. I was gonna say, he has a footstool. If it doesn't, there's footstools made to look like the thing. Yeah. And yeah, so the attendant says, right this way, sir. And Borba goes, thanks a lot. You're really doing me a solid. And come on, kids, shut the hell up.

Let's just get this over with. Such a good job. Franklin's actually kind of like, like he's getting there. Like, oh my God, I love my dad. And you walk down the stairs to like the double oak doors, richly stained. And the attendants left you alone. And Borba takes the sunglasses off for a second. Like, whoa. Okay. Are you guys doing okay? This is pretty intense. You're doing such a good job. Thanks. I don't know where any of this stuff is coming from. Number one dad. Yeah.

You're our number one dad. Fuck Corb. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks guys. He puts the sunglasses back on and goes, all right, kids, let's get this done. Can we start a clock? For what? To steal. Yeah. Oh, I guess to like, to steal Charles. Okay. So stealing Charles is going to be the entire point of this operation. So I kind of want to make it a 10. 10 is so hard. It's so hard. Eight it is, kids. It's 11 o'clock, Sean. That is a good point. Okay. So eight. Yeah. Eight steps. You can do it.

Abdul, please. Somebody else do this clock. I'm already mad. This is driving me fucking bonkers. This fucking clock. Jess, please. How did you draw a circle backwards? No. Yep. Yep. Great. It's fine. Okay. It's fine. No. Eight. Step clock bag. Charles. That's what the eight step clock is called. Don't know. I'm not allowed. You're not allowed. The title. You're not allowed to write on that paper. I want to write the title. You had your chance of dual. This is bullshit. Yeah.

And, uh, Charles bag is what I would have written bag. Charles. Yeah. Like an adult. You gave me the pencil. Okay. So, so Borbo opens the doors into the den, which is, Oh yeah. It smells like cigars, I guess. Maybe. Oh yeah. It smells like rich tobacco. What's like, what's weird about our tobacco. Something's weird about our everything. So what's weird about this skunky. Yeah. So Borbo walks in and for a second, you see his disguise start to slip as he's like, Oh, that's that. Dang. Dang. Yeah.

And somebody elbows him. And he's like, Oh yeah, sorry. I'm on the job. I can't do any of this. I gotta get back. And if I'm even a little buzzed, your mom's going to have my, my, uh, uh, get half of my eggs for breakfast. Holy shit. Our mom's a dick. It's a real bean buster. I feel like we might all be thinking about the same kind of place for the den. Kind of low ceiling, really big. There's a bar along one side with a ton of nice liquor bottles. Yeah.

There's, I guess just straight up pool tables along one side. Yeah. There's a whole section of pool tables. Do people just play pool in this world? They're tiny pools. Yeah. It's billiards, but the, the tiny pools of water where it's, but you have pool balls and you have to like, Oh yeah. It is like, it's a pool table is full of water. Yeah. And water polo. Yeah. Water pulo. Pulo. And the bottom of the thing is green. So the water looks green from the top. Yeah, totally. We found it.

We found it. We found the fantasy version. It's just because there's no more dad like game than billiards. Yeah. I mean, it's darts, darts. There's dartboards for sure. Yeah. But these darts are knives. Maybe it's because they're all barbecue dads. It's like butcher's knives. Yeah. And they're throwing them at cuts of meat. Oh yeah. Steak knives. Steak knives. Yeah. And they're throwing them at steaks. And they, they're like, Oh yeah, this one's a six point book.

And then they like try and get the heart. Yeah. Like noise. Round eye. Perfect. So that's, that's what's going on. There's a bunch of dads. Neon, neon signs too. Yep. Oh, sandworms. Yeah. Yeah. From McCall. And they're all sexy ladies. Oh, cover your eyes. Everyone. It's like that. It's like the thing on the mud flap of some trucks, right? Like it's not super explicit, but it's like the shape of a naked lady. Right. Fenton is staring at her pretty hard.

He takes out a few spear bucks and he tries to give it to the neon sign. Oh, Fenton. Sorry. I don't know what's happening. Hey kids, you know what I said before we got here. Don't use your real names. Fuck. Okay. Sorry. My name's, Clover. I was just going to say my name's Fenton. I'm Franklin. All right, there we go. We got fake names. Yeah. And there's a bunch of dads. There's some reclining and recliners smoking these huge pipe, a halfling pipe weed rolled cigars.

There are some throwing steak knives at pieces of meat playing pool. And there's another door at the far end. That looks, like it goes into some sort of meeting hall or something like it's big, wide double doors again. Maybe we can see like little flashes of light around the cracks of the door. Oh yeah. You hear like, like shutter bulb kind of sounds. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, great. So yeah, here you are. What do you do? What's your plan? Go in, I guess. Yeah.

So you start walking up to the door, Borbo at the head of the pack and you get there and there's a big barrel chested dad with a huge gut and his arms, his beefy arms crossed. And he's like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. You can't just walk in here. There's an order. What? What's the order? Let me check. And he looks at a clipboard that he's holding. He's like, what's your name? Dad. And he says, yeah, board was like, her, my name's dad. He's like, your name is dad. Here. My, yeah, my name's dad.

I should be on the list. And he looks down at the list and he's like, I don't see a dad on here. Oh, sorry. Uh, yeah, we got this slip. It was my dad's name is Mr. Gilbert. Miss was with the list. Oh yeah. Sorry. I, I should, I've been hanging out with the kids all day. You know, I, once they call me dad enough times, I think maybe I am dad. Maybe I lost all sense of self decades ago. You know what I mean?

And I've just become some sort of a, some sort of malleable form that takes whatever shape my family requires me to take. And the dad's like, Oh yeah, I hear that buddy. Yeah, here you are, Mr. Gilbert, you're fourth in line. So should be about, I don't know, 45 minutes an hour. 45. 45 minutes. Oh my God. He's so bad. Well, there's a little ladies room right over there. A little lady. I want to use that. Everything here feels sticky.

Oh, the little, the ladies room should be the cleanest room here. It's mostly daughters and Mia. Oh, Mia's here. Oh yeah. Oh, Mia's here. Shit. Mia's part of the barbecue King. She's definitely here. All right. There's another clock on the board. Sorry guys. She finds this four or five, six, six. Yeah. Um, six step clock. Mia notices you. Okay. So we'll come back in 45 minutes. You just kind of hang out. There's like, there's refreshments, there's games, you know, just kind of chill out. Okay.

I'm going to go take a dump. A 45 minute dump. Okay. So Clover is going to the bathroom. Yeah. Okay. Is there a plan for the bathroom or is it just hide out? Or do you actually, or does she actually, I actually, just has to take it down. Can we come with you? I look up at Borbo. I don't know why you would do that. There's a little boy's room. And I fucking grab the shorts that he's wearing and I tug him in. I'm like, we have to talk about the fucking plan. Yeah.

And we're not going to do it in the little lady's room. Don't you think that's going to be a little suspicious? Fuck. Here, come along kids. Come over here. Let's look at, all these, uh, these paintings of all of the members of this fine establishment. Okay. God, you're so lame. Yes, I'm lame. And I'll always be lame. And one day you'll get older and then you'll be lame. Okay. And he takes you over to like a bunch of paintings that are just the members of the barbecue Kings.

Uh, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And this looks like just a regular bathroom. There's stalls along one wall sinks along the other. Hello. Is there anyone in here? There's two pairs of feet in the far stall and there's like giggling and laughing and splashing, splashing. Yeah. There's splash. I want to know who's in this stall now. There are kinds of kids. Yeah, totally. Um, over actually has to take a dump.

It is fun to work a bodily function into the narrative of the show that we, but while I take a dump, I want to overhear what the girls are talking about. Okay. So that would be, uh, what is called survey 2d six. Take the lowest. Okay. Please. No. Oh shit. It's definitely going to take a clock. Oh, and you can hear the girls talking, but you can't hear exactly what they're saying. You just hear like giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle, sploosh, giggle, giggle, giggle, swisper, sploosh.

And you take your dump. Yeah. And you come out of the stall and you're like, man, I'm not hearing anything. And, uh, you, the door swings open and Mia is walking in and she's like, I'm not hearing anything. And she's like, I'm not hearing anything. And she looks at you and she walks over to the sinks to wash her hands. Uh, there's a little soap bug on the wall and she squishes it and some soap comes out of it. Cool. And she washes her hands and she's looking at you.

Hey, haven't I seen you before? No. And then I just walk out of the bathroom. Didn't wash her hands. No, I didn't. You didn't. Well, Feta doesn't know. So he, uh, yeah. So Mia is like, that was like, she looked really suspicious. So I rush over to you guys. I'm like, act normal. Mia's in the bathroom. Oh, Mama Mia. Yeah. Shit. Okay. Hey, who's Mia? Evil spaghetti lady. I have to hide. Evil spaghetti lady. She's the owner of Mama Mia's. She saw us earlier.

We tried to get information from her, but we didn't really get any information from her. We just kind of ticked her off. Oh, Mama Mia. It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. Hey, if we see her, you have to pretend to run a mason jar distribution company. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Point. Yeah. Okay. I can do that. I love mason jars. They're jars that you fill with stone, presumably. No, no. Well, they can be filled with anything. Okay.

Jars can do that. I had her in the table. Okay. But yeah, Mia comes out of the bathroom, sees, um, the kids that were in her restaurant earlier today. We're all together again. We lie down in the booth. So she doesn't see us. Can we do that? Uh, I mean, yeah, you can, but it's horrible hiding as well. No, it's just a narrative thing. Yeah, totally. Um, so you guys just duck down. You're sitting in like a diner style booth. That's, um, near the bar section.

And Mia walks over and is like, Hey there, these kids, yours. She sees us just lying down. Yeah. Like under the table to the table. I think Fenton and Franklin just laid down in the booth. I just laid down in the booth. I actually laid down on my stomach and I stuffed my hands under my torso. I did a thing when I hid my face and really close into the small of Borba's black back. Hey, these kids yours. Oh yeah. These are all three of these little troublemakers. They came out of my wife.

And Mia's like, I, I hear you. They were in my restaurant earlier today. I was like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I heard you in a restaurant earlier today. Isn't that right? Kids? Oh, Oh, you. Yeah, that was you. Hey, thanks for the pine Cola. Right? Sorry about that. I come out of the table. Oh, no, it's all good.

They just mentioned that you sell mason jars and thought maybe we could have a little conversation about maybe some distribution and supply. Borba was like, Oh yeah, I'd love nothing more than to speak extensively to you about jars. Franklin's doing the hand shrinking thing. Like not, not extensively. They just agree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We could probably wrap it up pretty quick. I don't know. Maybe just like a quick, quick chat, quick chat, kids. Why don't you go?

Why don't you go run, skate some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, check to see if I have any more spear bucks. Okay, this is three. I've got three more. Thanks, Dad. Share, please. Okay. Share. We will. God. Alright. Get out of here, you little scamps. And Mia slides into the booth and her and Borbo start talking. Don't fuck our dad. Yeah, our mom will be really mad. Yeah, our mom doesn't do it and neither can you.

Are you guys trying to draw more attention to yourselves? We're going. Get more guys. And yeah, they just start talking. So Borbo has Mia cornered for a little bit. Hello, everybody. This is your favorite director, Grefg Smushlin. And our sponsors for the next season of the DeSomme Creek Theater Society have demanded we play their advertisements now. Hi, High Spirit Mall. This is Walter Waves, owner of the Crystal Pool, Wave Park, Wave Pool, and Wave Emporium.

I'm here to let all residents and visitors of the mall know that this fall, we will be unveiling the brand new Lazy River. 4,000 feet of the laziest, slowest, and calmest water you've ever floated down. I'm also here to let you know that we will no longer… Be holding any of the BBQ Dad or Vineyard-sponsored events in the Lazy River. I am very sorry to all members of the Vineyard and the BBQ Dads, but there was too much broken glass in the Lazy River after your events. Crystal Pool.

We're safer for kids now. Are you looking for a D&D podcast with actual stakes? A world where every decision the cast makes is met with consequence? Then journey to the world of Theria on Dungeons & Randomness. We're an actual play podcast with over 14 years of stories, and our newest arc, Frostborn, was created with new listeners in mind. Check out Dungeons & Randomness wherever you get your podcasts and join our incredible community for the adventure of a lifetime.

And thus they have been played. Fare thee well, and see you next time. See you upon the stage. We need to come up with a plan to fill this. Yeah, you do. Also, yeah, we need to find a way out of that room that's not through this bar. Because we have a man in a bag. Can we get a peek in that room? No, they're not going to let us in. I mean, you can always try. You could just, like, try and run in or something stupid. Or go through the vents to see inside. Yeah.

Or we could pretend to play a game of chase. Oh, yeah. And then have a looky-loo. Yeah, like, force your way through the door, basically. Yeah, like that. How about, I'll run distraction on the guy at the door. Oh, yeah. Sure. Okay. That'll give you and I the opportunity to bolt in. So this sounds desperate to me. What? Well, this is like, you know, it's like, it's not your standard like, ooh, we might get busted. It's like, if they get mad about this, they're going to get really mad.

Quickly running past a bouncer is a good way to really get your ass beat. Yeah. So this will be desperate. So who is doing this? I think it's a group action. Yeah, it is a group action. A group action works if so, like if you're all playing chase or whatever, that's how that would work because you all have to roll the same action. You can do that. Okay. I'll be I'll be over behind the bouncer going 10 9 covering my eyes 8 7 counting down before right or not. Here I come for.

Oh, good for hide and see. Yeah. Do we run during hide and see? Okay. Okay. Okay. So we're all confused like how we play games because we don't play games. Yeah, you're criminal. What's the game where you guys chase me tag? Yeah, let's do that one. Yeah. Okay. So I'm trying like it's definitely prowess to like run around. Perfect. I have it skirmish. I guess it would be skirmish. Yeah, because it's like about physically battering things around, right? That's your plan.

So how's that work with the group action again? The group action would be everybody rolls and then you take the highest result. Oh sick. Oh, that's just straight up a six. That's a six. Yeah, that's this is going to be two check marks because that was a standard role.

Oh, yeah, cool and you it sounds like the kind of thing where it's like you're all running around and being disruptive generally and the bouncer is like cut it out and stop running around and then someone like darts around him and goes through the door like he he he. Yeah. Okay. What do you see on the other side? I think it's like probably like a photograph set up, right? Yeah, but so they've set it up in a room that's already a part of their den, right?

You know in like Sherlock Holmes movies or whatever or movies about Victorian England. There's those gentlemen's clubs where they all just sit around like drinking. Uh-huh. I think maybe it's one of those two. There's a ton of chairs. Okay. Yeah for just hanging out and they've moved aside a bunch of chairs and set up the photo booth area. What does it look like the staging area? I think it's like yeah, there's like.

It looks like a living room and it's because you're supposed to wrestle Charles, right? Yeah. So it looks like they staged it to look like a living room. Charles is like he creeps in through a broken window. You grab him pretend to fight him. They take a picture of that and then you fuck off. Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah.

So that's what's going on right now is there are there's a photographer who looks very tired and two dads one dad is like waiting with his kids and the other dad is watching his kids get their picture taken and there's a kid on the mall Charles's back like with its arms with their arms around his neck and then another kid is like jokingly pushing Charles away from a bowl of meatballs that's on a table behind them. Okay. Is there like any actual door like other doors that lead out of there? Yeah.

Good call. That would be yeah, that'll be a survey. Does anyone have that? Nah, fucking dumb. Does anyone want to take some stress and aid? Oh, yes. I will take stress and aid you too because this is important. Oh, well, the highest is six for sure. Great. So yeah, you mark two more. Yes. Awesome. And you see that there's a door on the far end against the wall in the corner with one of those signs that's like an exit sign, right? It's like employees only. Yeah.

And it's one of those like drawings of a staircase with a person running up it. Yeah. Cool. All right. Got you and the bouncers like kids get out. It's in your turn yet. Sorry. Sorry. And you just have some pushy back and now I'll chase you as are as per the rules of tag the time on our tradition of the children's game that we love to play as kids and to know we already did the thing. You don't talk like that. It's like Fenton wants to keep playing and you're like no, we already did it.

Why would we act like kids? Yeah. Yeah. And you hear from the booth that Borbo is talking to Mia. Look lady, you're really butternut in my squash here, but I'm willing to make a deal butternut squash is a good thing and he's he looks kind of exasperated like it looks like he's running up on the outside edge of his knowledge of mason jars, but you've still got a little bit of time before Mia is going to be free roaming again. Okay, there's a bouncer inside a bouncer at this door.

That guy's on the outside of the door. He's not going to be a big problem, but there is a guy in there. So it's going to be a photographer and one other guy. No bouncers just outside. I thought there was two dads in there. I mean, yeah, there was two guys. So there's going to be two dads in the photographer. Well, like Borbo and one dad waiting. Yeah, that's what it was. It was a dad whose kids were having their picture taken and then a dad waiting with his kids.

The photographer looked exhausted. Yeah, maybe we can take him and Borbo can handle the other dad. Yeah. Yeah, and we should probably drug the probably give the guy forget me pop. Yeah, it's a good thing. I loaded up on them. Yeah, the bouncer is what I mean. What were you thinking? I was thinking of Charles. Yeah, definitely give Charles a forget me pop. Yeah, get Charles a forget me pop. Get maybe give the bouncer forget me pop so we don't get chased out of here. And then give the other dad.

Are we fucking drugging everyone? I guess that's maybe what my idea is. We could give it to the whole family that's waiting. We're drug dealers again. Okay, great. That's a that's a decent plan. I think we can also secure when we secure the door when we're in there. I can use a bubble got bubble gum nets. Totally good idea. Okay, I like that idea. Okay, so we have a tentative plan. Yeah, who who has slash where is the bag? I have bag under my dress under your puffy dress. Great. Cool. Okay.

So what's your next step here? You know that he's in there, you know that there's an exit. I guess we just wait till our turn. Yeah, let's get a Shirley Temple. We have some money. Perfect. Oh, yeah, perfect. Do you guys want to role play just sitting at the bar for a little bit? Yeah, totally. So we're all sitting at the bar and kicking my legs on the high stool.

Yeah, there's one of the the members of the Barbecue Kings who's really obsessed with like having his own bar behind the bar cleaning a glass. What can I help you kids with? I'll take two fingers of sarsaparilla and a finger of sarsaparilla. That's why you gave me three fingers of sarsaparilla. He throws down a you heard me chief spice. Three bucks right away. I like the way you drink little guy and he flicks his cowboy hat. Can I have a chocolate milkshake, please?

Or actually a chocolate milk with a twirly straw. What about you little guy? Can I get a glass full of lasagna? I cannot do that for you. Can I get a cup just full of marinara sauce? Maybe is ragu. Okay. Yeah, I'll be fine. Can I get three fingers of ragu? Yeah, he comes he dips under the bar and comes back up almost too fast with three drinks and puts them in front of you. Is this straw compostable?

I suppose that if you were to put it in a compost and not try to look for it, you could assume that it was compostable. You can have it back then. And he he spits on it and wipes it off with his cloth and puts it back with the straws. And then he spits in the glass that he's cleaning and he wipes it off. So what brings you kids around these parts? You getting your picture with Charles today? Yeah, it's the plan. Well, I'll be hot damned. And he starts wiping the counter.

I remember my first picture with Charles. I got a little overzealous and I popped him on right in his schnauz. And that was quite a Charlesy for me. Did he what what happened to you when you hit him? Oh, he was he was just a moral Charles. He he got real mad, but then security showed up and calmed him down. And I just had to skip it next year. Oh, so security doesn't mind if you bop them on the nose. Oh, I wouldn't say that, but I don't think we got to worry about security tonight.

This is an exclusive establishment. Barbecue kings take care of their own. I shouldn't have said that. You kids don't need to know the inner workings of things. You're just little kids. Yeah, we're normal little kids. We have no recollection of anything you would say to us. If you have anything to get off your chest about stuff. Yeah, we're trying to milk them for information. Yeah, I'll have another sarsaparilla and you know what? I'll buy one for the bartender.

One of your cheers in there, mister. Okay, this is definitely consort. Yeah. Oh, no, I have consort. You have consort. Yeah. Great. So yeah, Fenton's going to roll two for this. Yeah. To try and get a little bit of information at it. Yeah. You know what I would like to know is I would like to know where the vineyard hangs out. Oh, because just as a contingency, like where like if they catch us and they're like, well, you're fucking done.

I want to be like, we're going to tell your wives if you if you don't give us mall Charles right now. Okay. All right. Here we go. All right. Consort, my friends tell me about your wife, sir. Fuck. Well, that's just a roll anymore. No, but if you want to, maybe it's a critical. Oh, shit. Yeah. Six. Oh, six is wow. So that's a critical man. This dude has a lot to get off his chest. Yeah, he's got a loose lip sink ship and took a big drink of whatever he wanted. Uh-huh.

Fenton takes his own glass that was full of marinara sauce and he grabs a rag off the counter. He starts cleaning it himself from the other side of the bar and he's like, it's enough glass full of marinara. Yeah, he starts cleaning it and I'm like, tell me a little bit about your wife. Seems like you might have something to get off your chest about her. Oh, my wife, my beautiful Penelope.

I met her when I was but a young buck and we had such a life together and then we got married and things got a little more difficult. You know, working for your wife can be a little difficult. Yeah, tell me about it. But that's what it is when you're married to a powerful woman and he looks off wistfully into the sky. Where does that powerful woman work and operate? My beautiful wife, Penelope, she pulls the strings of this mall in a way that you children could never even conceive of.

Help us conceive of her. Describe it in detail. Has she ever conceived of children? Oh, she has conceived of many children by my seed. That's grosser than the thing that I'm doing. But through this you can very strongly intuit he's not going to say to a bunch of kids, my wife is a high level crime boss, but she is definitely a member if not the leader of the vineyard. Just out of curiosity, where did your kids, go to school?

I feel like I might recognize them from your face because they have the same faces. Oh, my family and I, we recently moved to a beautiful condominium in Silver Mills. Pretty close to my wife's work which is nice. I gotta stop saying stuff like that. But yeah, we have a beautiful home. Thank you for asking. Yeah, and thank you for the ragu and the good conversation and I plop the thing back on the table. And you hear the big bouncer by the door go, Mr.

Gilbert and children and Borba goes, thank God. This lady's really wrangling my huevos, if you know what I mean. How do you do that? I don't know. Let's go, kids. Let's get this picture good and done with because my wife's going to be angry if I'm later than I said I was going to be, right, fellas? And everybody goes, oh, yeah, I know what that's like. I know what that's like.

And you get, uh, ushered into the room and there is the dad that you saw waiting before is standing watching his stupid kids be little assholes to the mall. Charles, he's getting pushed and pulled around a lot more than he should be. And the, uh, the photographer is just, she's so tired, wants to leave so badly and Borba goes up and is just standing next to the dad like, hey, Charles Eve, huh? Picture is pretty cool. The dad's just like, yeah, yeah, pretty cool.

And this haunted look on his face continues for five minutes as his kids take the pictures and then they start to leave. So now it's you, Borba, the photographer and the mall, Charles. You have a few moments while there's nobody else in the room. What do you do? Uh, hey, lady, uh, photographer, you look really tired. Do you want a caffeine pop? My mom always uses them whenever she has a headache. Uh, that's going to be a sway. I don't have it. I'll take a stress.

I was going to add stress too, but yeah. Yeah, you had some stress too. Yeah. Take another day. Oh, Bill. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, or okay. Yeah. No, I like this a lot. How many pie pieces? That's two pie pieces, but because it was a four to five, there's still a complication. And that complication is the next person to get her pictures is Mia. Mia walks through the door with her kids and you hear the giggling that you heard in the bathroom and it's presumably, these are Mia's daughters. Dang it.

And they're identical twins. They both have like really weirdly borderline bowl cut shaped like red hair. Oh, wow. And they are just you can tell just by being near them. They are insufferable. And they're kind of wet. Ew. From the toilet. Guys don't go near them. They were splashing in the toilet. Gross. Did they wash their hands? No. No. Oh, sick. Oh my God. Those freaks. God, that's so gross. Oh, shit. Scratching her shoulder. And Mia goes, oh, hey there, buddy.

We can keep talking about mason jars. And Borg was like, look, Mia, I don't know what to tell you. I gave you all the information I could. We'll set something up after Charles Eve is when I get back to my distributor, blah, blah, blah, more business stuff, which he says, directly to blah, blah, blah, more business stuff. He's starting to flag a little bit. He's like, this Mia lady is indomitable. She is so interested in getting mason jars for her restaurant. She loves her restaurant.

She wants it to be the best that it can be. So we just need one more tick. Yeah. You do. What should we do, guys? Okay, so the photographer is about to get really sleepy. Yeah, the photographer takes the pop from Clover, pops it in her mouth, and is like, oh, oh, this, this tastes pretty good. Yeah, it's a cherry flavor. Guys, we have about 45 seconds. Okay. 45 seconds. We're going to Borbo like get her, get Mia. No. Okay. No.

I mean, if there was somebody that was going to, he's going to have to. It'd be Borbo. Hi, Charles. I sit on his lap and I look at Borbo like I get behind Charles and do the neck holding thing. Oh, hey, Charles. Thanks, man. And I'm aware that there is only 45 seconds. And I really want this fucking picture. So I point at the photographer later. I'm like, take that fucking picture right now. Right now. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me.

Get up there or you're not getting the picture. I'm up there. Quiet. Please. She's got the thing in her mouth, the stick sticking out. Be quiet. Please please take the smile and be quiet. Okay. Cheese. Pash as the bulb goes off now during the flash. Oh, yeah. During the flash. During the flash. Yes. I flip my dress up and then out comes the bag. Okay. And you were giving me. I have the other side. Okay. Stuff a pop in his mouth. Yeah.

He pulls a forget me pop out of his butt and then puts it out of his butt. He was worried about getting searched. Okay. So this sounds like a skirmish group action. I'm moving past Abdul's butt thing. I'm not going to fight it. Whatever. It happens. So this is. This is a skirmish group action. Great. Here we go. Oh, gosh. Minus four. Damn it. We I got two. I got a three and a one. It's because I use the curse dice. No, no, no. It's okay. So four still means that you check the clock. I win.

I won that one. Yeah. With your two to take the lowest because you got the picture. Yeah. Pop. Yeah. And the picture is like Fenton pulling a Oh, yeah. Lollipop. Yeah. With a bag about like my dress. Half flip. Yes. Yeah. Dirty underwear in some and it's the trial. It's the Charles going like what like in some ways it's the most authentic Charlesy photo you've ever seen. My shaggins are rolled up in a nut is dropped.

In the corner in the edge of the frame, you could see like Borbo like his fist his fist as he's like open hand to plow into. Yeah. You see like just his fist in the frame. And it's blurry because it's really close to the camera. And so you guys do that. You're wrestling with the Charles. You jam the pop in his mouth. This photographer tumbles to the side.

She slumps into a chair and falls asleep as Borbo's fist connects with Mia's cheek and what the consequence of this is is kids start screaming. Yeah. Well, and a four step clock as Mia her head snaps to the side as Borbo's fist connects. And then she looks at Borbo like okay, this is how you do business. And they start fucking fighting like they are like boxing with each other. Basically I want to help. Yeah, totally bubblegum. Ned the door first though. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Somebody deal with the door. I have to do that with my cutter Savage move. I don't know. Yeah. Savage is intimidated. This is sounds like a wreck because you're trying to make sure that the door won't work. I have I have wreck and prowess. There you go. Tossed. The gun gum. Yeah. Yeah. So this would be risky standard, but because you're using like candy that you've marked off it's risky. Great. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Fuck. Yeah. So so what does this look like?

Is it like a Spider-Man like web grenade like you throw it and it hits and poof. Yeah, I thought it was a gun. No. Okay. It's not bubblegum net. Yeah, it's just I think it's just bubblegum in my head. It's a chew it. Yeah, you chew it up in my head. It's bubblegum. That's like really really compressed. So when it pops, it's like all of these threads. Cool. I have a really like wet mouth right now. So sweaty. Rest out. Yeah, and it it gums up the door real bad like it gums the handles together.

It gets on the hinges and you hear like me as kids are screaming because this guy just hit their mom and now their mom is beating some guy up and like looks at them and points and is like shut the fuck up you toilet kids. I was gonna say I have command can I tell them that like well, I mean like it doesn't really matter. They're just screaming but the door is all fucked up. There's like slamming and you hear go around go around you were gonna fight you're gonna help Borbo fight. Okay.

Yeah, I'll help him when you guys get Charles out of here. All right, we'll be close on your heel. We're gonna start dragging the bag out. Yeah up the stairs. I guess these stairs. Okay. So Franklin is going to help Borbo with Mia. Yeah, okay. Go up behind her and jump up and try and try to put a pack of trans powder on her face. Okay.

Oh, so yeah, that was going to be risky standard but because of that no risky limited because Mia is a fucking adult woman who's really strong, but it's going to be risky standard. So I have my skirmish. Yeah five and five five. Okay. Yeah, you jump up on her and you jam this like pixie stick dust stuff in her face and she swings an elbow back and connects with your head.

Oh and you get her so she's like blinking and swaying a lot as she's fighting Borbo, but you hit the ground with like a fucking welt on the side of your head. Oh so hit a kid. She did. So that means that you mark the minus one die. So mark that on your harm. Is she down? No, she's just about down. She's swaying pretty bad, but she gives Borbo a couple good ones. What are Clover and Fenton doing? Try drag Charles bag up the stairs. Yeah, that'll be skirmish. Are you rolling two or one?

I only have one. I'll take a stress and give you another one because I'm helping three. Okay. So do I take the stress for that or anything? Oh, yeah, you can resist it. Yeah. So it would cost you to stress to resist the consequence, which was going to be like the dad's bursting through the gum door, but they can't so far. They're still really you can see the doors like have started to open and you can see dad's face is like pressing against the gum. I'm pushing. I'm pushing to unlock this door.

Young lady, don't make me ask again. And then you hear one of them go. I'm going back to get my tools. Yeah, and I have a saws all in my trunk and the three of you whip your heads towards the door and you're like, oh no tools. So thankfully that consequence didn't did not come to pass because you resisted it. And yeah, Franklin Borbo is is keeping me occupied. What do you do? I want to get the fuck out of here. Okay. You know what? No, I'm fucking going savage. I have my slingshot.

I got slingshot from the ground. Makes sense. And I can't get up because I'm walloped. Yeah, I'm going to try and slingshot her. Yeah. So that's a skirmish to and minus one die because you've been hurt, right? Right. So only one instead of two. Yes. So what do you hit her with? She hit me. So I pull out one of my candy canes that are like candy cane throwing knives and I give it right before like I hold it up. You know, when you like take a shot. Yeah.

And then I put it back in my mouth and I give it a really good suck to make it super sharp and then I shoot it at her butt. Yeah. Shoot her right in the arse. Yeah. And it flies forward and it stabs right through her sturdy canvas shorts that she was wearing and she goes, my shelf. You got me right in it. There's an elf in my shelf. It's just fucking stupid. Is that the name of the episode? There's an elf in my shelf. Stupid.

And as she like grabs her butt and goes like, oh, Borbo just headband and she slow mo.

Oh, and like the candy cane shatters come up from dust flies up from the carpet that hasn't been cleaned in a long time and Borbo's like, holy shit that lady really let's get the hell out of here and he takes his mustache off and throws it on the ground and he Borbo helps you like he you don't need to really roll great to get it the rest of the way out because he just picks up the bag and is like, let's go book. Yeah. I'd say give me one kind of athletics he roll to get back.

Okay, we get on our bikes, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. And Borbo is just running with Charles like over his shoulders in a sack just through Christmas shoppers. Yeah, pretty much. So this would be I guess just yeah, it's I mean, it's probably going to be a straight prowess for everybody because I think otherwise it would be prowl or finesse. So if I have one, I just do the one. Yeah. And if I have prowess Oh, well, there you go.

You get out of this service exit and you see your bikes where they were parked in the man cave and Clover sees a bunch of dads with tool cases come out of one door and she's like, no down go this way and you hop on your bikes and you tear ass through the mall Borbo behind you and you make it back to the sugar shack safe and sound with your quarry in the bag. Wait, what the fuck do we do with this guy? There's no instructions. Do you just take him back? I guess yeah, that makes the most sense.

If we take him back to the mall Santa place, you just like because he's asleep, right? He's got the thing jammed in his mouth. You just leave him in the booth and he wakes up in the morning. I guess. Yeah. We wrote a note. Charles Eve came early this year. Signed the cool tree kids. We're taking I take an eraser. I try to erase it out and it's smudged, but it's still kind of cool tree kids. We cut to the sugar shack later and Borbo sitting there in the shorts. His polo shirt is untucked.

The baby powder that was making his hair gray has since fluttered down onto his face and he's like wow kids that ruled I had so much fun. You did great dad. Yeah, I mean Borbo. Hey, no problem kids. I just love my kids and I love beating the hell out of scary ladies. You're the best dad and you're the best dad. You're the best kids ever. Now come in here and give your old man a hug. We come in for a Christmas hug and we see the camera rise up through the sugar shack window.

Oh, wait, I had a gift for him. Okay, it's Charles Eve Eve. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So do we cut to Charles Eve morning? Yeah. The cool tree kids wake on Charles Eve morning and they rush to the front of the sugar shack excitedly and they see the windows been smashed out. What? He came. He did. He came. Oh my God. He's here. Charles came. Borbo comes up behind us like good looks like he came guys. I checked the meatball bowl. It's like it's like half empty. He even took the Pepto Pesto.

The Pesto Bismol. And Borbo's like burping a little bit like yeah, he came everybody. What did he get? What did he give us? Let's see. Let's check uh, let's check the presents that Charles threw through the window. Oh my God, they're way over here. Charles, Charles must be strong. My box is broken. Awesome. Guys, look. And then Fenton like lifts his foot up. There's broken glass in it. Yay. And uh, so what did each of the cool tree kids get for Christmas from their secret Charles?

Uh, I get a pack, a six pack of underwears like fruit of the blooms and a toothbrush which I'm like not really. Excited about but I love the underwear. Yeah, what did I what did Fenton get? Uh, Fenton got uh, what the fuck does he need? He doesn't really like anything. Uh, oh my God. What? Like Ziploc bags. Oh yeah, cause Clover was my secret Santa. She got it was it's just a bunch of jars and Ziploc bags and I was like for your creams bud.

For all my liquids and he runs over to his backpack and he scoops it up. Scoops out the loose Vaseline. He's just like it works so well. You can still still stand. He's like shaking it around the Vaseline's jiggling in the jar. I'm not getting oily at all. This is the best. What did Franklin get? Uh, he got uh, uh old worn out ballet shoes, tap shoes, wooden clogs, dance spikes, dance spikes. Yeah, there's spikes to make you so you can dance up the walls. Oh, sick.

And um, he got uh flat of uh lights out licorice, which is like a blackout powder. Um, it's like a weapon. Cool. That's cool. It's a licorice that like bursts into like a dark powder that obscures people's vision. Sick. Write that down so you remember it tight. I just did. I actually had an idea for something that Clover got that was unexpected. What? A hand carved wooden corn dog. Oh. Wait. Oh, from Seamus. Right. From Seamus. Is that in a separate box?

Uh, it was just it looks like it was thrown loose through the window. Uh, but it says it does have a little tag on it with very like jagged writing and it says Clover. Oh! Oh my god, I dropped my underwear. Wait. Wait. You dropped your underwear? Man, that fucking worked. That hot dog worked. I steamed my jeans and soaked my socks. End of story. Holy shit. Oh man. Boy, that Seamus kid really bakes her enchiladas. Man, Borbo loves this character. He does. It's fun being a dad. Theoretically.

Uh, so yeah, what's, sorry, what does Clover do that's not drop her underwear? Well, like, she drops the package of underwear. The package of underwear. Yeah. And I clutch the corn dog to my chest and I'm like, Seamus, I didn't get him anything. And uh, Borbo's like, you know what? It's not whether people give stuff to people who give them stuff.

It's the presence of somebody that you don't know throwing stuff through your window that makes everybody realize that family is the safest thing of all. And Borbo's saying all this while he's clenching two of those hand spring workout things. Ha ha ha! It sounds like Jingle Bells. Yeah. Creak creak creak. Oh yeah. Man, Charles bless us everyone. Wait, we got you another gift. What? Yeah, this one's from all of us. For me? Yeah. Yeah.

And it's uh, Fenton tried to wrap it, but it's kind of just like loose in a bag. And he gives it to her. What is it? It's the photo from the Charles Eve thing. Aww. And underneath Fenton's written family, but like backward letters and stuff. Yeah. He uh, he looks at the picture for a moment and tears well in his eyes a little bit and he's just like, Fuck. And the camera rises and sails out the smashed window of the Charles Eve celebration.

It rises up to the rafters and we see the roof of the sugar shack. We're on the very edge of the building is a very sweaty little hobnoblin in a balaclava who winks at the camera. Oh, you know, I'm not a balaclava. Yeah. That's where we're gonna end it for this week. Thanks for joining us for Spoutmore Mall Brats. I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me is always playing Fenton Beasley, the slide Abdulaziz. So on. Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers. Happy holidays, everybody.

And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica Tai. Merry Charles Eve. Thanks to all of you, our amazing Patreons and supporters. Without whom this would not be possible. Happy Charles Eve, everybody.

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