Tag: Tabletop RPG

Pickaxe now the blades and the dart does anyone want to put the uh uh blades and uh bear watch knights theme on absolutely not I'm just gonna hit the I'm gonna hit play on the tape deck for the theme that we worked out click play gather around friends let me tell you a tale of free scoundrels grabby and small a hippie a dancer and a sweet talker who live in haspira mall you've seen them around they sell sweets by the pound their wares are famously taste so here I sing singing to you crimes involving gays so gather around friends and listen for the tales about I also think if we didn't have a theme song it would like upset our listener oh of course yeah no how would we start each episode too I mean it's like we just spend this like 20 minutes talking about theme songs yeah or just like cold open like a bunch of like fucking savages I I I I I I I I Cold open like a bunch of fucking savages.

Yeah, shivering so hard because the open's so cold. It's so cold and just… Just gaping coldness. It's like they shove it in without the lube. What? Welcome to… Gotta warm it up first. Welcome to Spoutmore. We're coming in from that cold, cold open. I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. It was just exposition. It was just exposition. Raw dog in the intro. Is this the intro? Are we doing the intro now? Was that the intro for the show? Finish it. Welcome to Spoutmore Mall, brats.

We're continuing our campaign of Blades in the Dark, an RPG by John Harper. I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. And to my left, playing Fenton Beasley, the slide, Abdulaziz. Hello. In front of me, playing Clover Ivy Fern, the leech, Jessica Tai. Hello. And to my right, playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers. Hello. When last we left our heroes, we had pulled our very first heist. How did it go? It went well. Yeah, it was great. We had heat afterwards.

Yeah, because you had like an insane plan. No, the plan was good. We executed poorly. No, the plan was crazy. We executed great. Really shitty results. So I don't know what that means. It was mostly because the carny fell asleep at the wheel. Yeah, before that, your plan to hurdle off the side of a roller coaster as it ripped off the side of the wheel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Above a very small opening inside of a fort was pretty flawless, I think.

So the job to recap was given to you by your mysterious shadowy patron. Oh, yeah. Who Charlie's Angel style presents you with jobs and tasks from the shadows. Oh, right. We stole a bunch of Smarty Root. Yeah. You were tasked with stealing a supply of Smarty Root from the Hot Meat Boys out of their storeroom in the Yesterland Amusement Park, which is, for the most part, pretty secure most of the time. But Clover ran into her. Her crush slash rival, Seamuson, the Hot Meat Boy.

Seamus Seamuson is his name. Oh, his last name is Seamuson. Because during the character creation, you say it's Seamuson. I think it's because I was drunk. And I messed up my words. I posit that it stays Seamuson. Fine. I like Seamus Seamuson. Yeah, I thought we've been saying Seamuson this whole time. You were saying Seamus. Yeah. So Seamuson. She's been saying first name. We've been saying last name. Oh, okay.

And after being distracted by her crush Seamus in her attempts to eat to get her pre-score corn dog. Oh, right. Yeah. That one before the score. Look, I didn't know. I wasn't 100% sure about the hurtling myself off a roller coaster. I just was like, we could have just tried to get in from the ground like a normal person. But instead you did not do that. And the job went sideways as you smashed through the roof of the fort. Quite literally sideways. Yeah. Off the edge of a railroad track.

Exactly. And then sideways and then upside down and front ways and back ways. What was the song that played? Well, as we heard all that, what'd you say? Oh, it was two. Yeah. Yeah. Which? Which if you imagine it as like a, like a, like a cartoon is insane to transition songs halfway through a disaster. It's like, who can say what the brain grows? And then it goes, what'd you say? It goes up. Like while it's going up, it's. I thought on the up it was the Lion King. And then.

And then as it's leveling up. As it plateaus. Who can say. And as it starts to dip back down. What'd you say? Absolutely blowing the entire first season's budget on licensing popular songs. Three songs. First episode. First 15 minutes. Man, what an ep. Go back and check it out if you haven't. Yeah. If you haven't, welcome to episode two. Don't know why you're here. Once you crash through the roof, you were accosted by. The famous and a handful of hot meat boys.

And Franklin Stein, the bruiser of the group led a skirmish, a melee, a fist, a fisticuffs. In which you beat their asses collectively. In a combat that I am almost certain was done so wrong from my side that I apologize to any patrons listening who enjoy the system of Blades in the Dark. We are learning together. Um, and that was. You also alerted high spear mall security and were only able to grab a small, small portion of the smarty Ruthie were sent to collect.

And that was a semi successful job. You got paid. You got heat. You got some stuff happening to you. Do we get rep? What was the other thing? You got to rep. You always get to rep. And we kept it pretty basic just as like a tutorial mission, basically. Because I think considering the hot meat boys are a higher tier gang than you. You'd get more rep. I think you get maybe one more, two more depending on the tier of the gang.

And if you pull jobs against a lower tier gang, you actually get less rep. Okay. Which is pretty funny. Just like you just picking on scrubs. Like nobody cares about that. So you've got rep, you've got heat, you made a couple coin and you got a tiny little bottle of smarty route. Yeah. So the way that, uh, so after, at the end of this job, since it was so chaotic, you acquired four heat. Yeah.

And a thing that happens in Blades in the Dark as a little thing called entanglements, depending on the amount of heat that you acquire on a job, you set events in motion. Things happen because of the way that you pull jobs, the people that you affect on those jobs and the way you upset the fabric of the mall. So with four heat, I'm going to roll this one D six two means gang trouble or questioning. Oh, so we're going to get pulled in for questioning. So yeah, I think questioning.

Is probably more interesting. Yes. Yeah. It'd be fun. And how we're going to do that is, um, the day after the smarty route job batters up, uh, you are all leaving the chocolate factory to just, you know, go about your day. You got some errands you want to run. And, uh, as you're leaving, you hear, well, well, well, if it isn't the cool treat kids and you turn and standing, leaning against a pillar with a little notebook in his hands. A stock of. Like. Like wheat. A grass thing.

He's got a long piece of wheat sticking out of one, one side of his mouth is Corb green. What does he look like? He's really short. He's like two feet tall. He's a halfling. Sorry. Two and a half feet tall. Whoa. Tall halfling. Yeah. We're still taller than him as children though. Right? Oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Human kids are very rarely two and a half feet tall. Right. Yeah. Extremely young. Yeah. And he's leaning there chewing his wheat, writing in a notebook. Yeah.

You can hear him narrating what he's writing down. It says Fenton Beasley, short, chubby, vulnerable. What the fuck? Clover, Ivy fern, lavender hair, unusual, skittish, Franklin Stein, trouble. Trouble. Underline. Underline. And he says, I heard the three of you were making quite a stir in the Yesterland amusement park the other day. Uh, who told you that? What? Like, I mean, we were there. Yeah. Yeah. Then we just went for like a fun ride and it broke. Yeah.

And then you were seen skittering through the park with your pockets full to burst into some illicit rage. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there.

I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. I believe I was there. And I'm like, I could not get it clean. I wiggle my butt. So, there. I do not believe in your case, Fenton Beasley, that shitting your pants and committing a crime are mutually exclusive activities.

If you were in Burrito Canyon at the approximate time of the crime, tell me what you were doing there besides the burrito thing. Now, don't take all day, kids. All day? We were there for like 20 minutes. Yeah, and then we just went back to our place. Mm-hmm. And what about the Smarty Root? What's Smarty Root? Smarty Root. If I knew anything about Smarty Root, I would have said, yeah, it's a good place. I would tell you. He like waddles up. He goes.

And he walks up and he touches Clover's wizard war jacket. Uh-huh. And there's a little oily sheen on it. And he tap, tap, tap on his tongue, goes, spits it on the ground. That's Smarty Root. No, it's not. It's Patchouli, you idiot. Yeah, she's covered in this stuff. Makes her hard to share a room with. All right. If that's not Smarty Root, then on to my next question, Clover Ivy Fern. What is your association with the hot meat boy associate known as Seamus Seamuson? What?

I barely know him at all. Does she start like blushing? Yeah. He makes a note and he writes down obvious liar underline. I'm not lying. I never talked to him and he never talks to me. And sometimes we… We talk, you know, if I have to go get a snack and he's there, like I try, I try to talk to someone else, but he's always the only one working. It's like, ugh, I don't want to talk to you right now. But like, we don't talk, you know. Now remind me, Miss Fern. What? What does Seamus look like?

I don't know. Like a guy, like a boy, like an idiot. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Franklin Stein. What? I had the… Some might say dubious privilege of questioning some hot meat boys that found themselves in a bit of a sticky situation. And they say that they were laying a beaten by someone matching your approximate description. He hides his bloody knuckles. Yeah. And he makes a note in his notebook. And he flips it closed, tucks it in his tiny little vest.

He says, you have all been very, very helpful. Perhaps more than you realize. That's what happens when you cross paths with Corb Green. What are you getting out of this, you little weirdo? A good day's pay for a good day's work. He flicks his wheat into the darkness. He says, don't let me catch you leaving town. And he disappears into the shadows. You hear his tiny little spurs. Clank. Clank. Clank. Clank. Clank. Wait. Why is he wearing… Spurs. There are no horses in the mall.

Why are you wearing spurs? He doesn't answer. He rides his sheep to work. Yeah. So you all have one more heat from the crew because you have been questioned by Corb Green halfling detective. Somebody roll a d6. So you, as a crew, you acquire one additional heat. So you're now at five heat. Yeah. So that's how it works. When you get heat from a job, sometimes bad shit happens. The pond gets rippled. Nice. Yeah. Cool. And now downtime activities.

During downtime, in between scores, everybody gets two downtime activities. The downtime activities are acquire an asset. There's long-term project, which is whatever the fuck you want it to be. That could be you want to research a new topic, like find out who your patron is. That could be a long-term project. Yeah. If Clover wanted to make a new alchemical candy, that would be a long-term project. And at the end of that, she would have permanent access to a new thing.

Then there is recover, which is a way of recovering harm, which you don't need to do because none of you have harm. Reduce heat, which is pretty useful. Train. When you spend time training, you mark one XP on an XP track for an attribute or playbook advancement. You just decide that's going to happen. You're like, I want to get one more experience point in this thing, so I'm going to train. And then indulge vice is a way of reducing the stress that you have because stress sticks around. Yeah.

So everybody gets two. Let's start with Fenton Beasley. Yeah. Yeah. Does anyone want to take the long-term project of finding out who the patron is? I mean, not right now. I was kind of attracted by that. I think that's kind of cool. Yeah. Take it. Yeah? It's yours. Well, I was either going to do that or build a paper mache moth. Okay. For what purpose? It's like moths. A big one? I love it. It is 100% a waste of every downtime activity you could possibly use it for.

At the end of like eight downtimes, I'm like, I think I did a pretty good job, guys. Six inches across. It doesn't look like a moth, but it's still pretty cool. It's like a perfect replica of a Southern prince. It's like a principality. Lunar moth. Lunar moth. Dope. And there it is. So is that what you want to do? You want to establish this long-term project? Give it to Clover. Do you want it? Thanks. And then I put it in the pile of other moths.

I kind of like the idea that Fenton's really into moths. And he's like, maybe Clover's into moths, too. Everybody's into moths. She is. That's the thing is she is into moths. Yeah. When you tell somebody that you like moose, and then they just buy you tons of moose things. You just one time mention that you like a moth. He makes you moths for the next two years. Yeah. Beautiful. So yeah, what do you… I think, yeah, my next down…

My last few downtime activities have been these paper mache moths. But now I'm like, who's our fucking patron? Yeah, maybe I should… Figure this out. Yeah. Yeah. Does this seem like something that you think would take a long time? Yeah. Okay. So I think it's going to be an eight-segment clock. Okay. So it's going to take eight ticks filled. And the most you can roll on a downtime activity, if you roll more than one six in a roll, is five segments. So it's going to take you a while. Okay.

So I roll five dice? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. You roll the action that you… Eight? All? All? All? All? You pick the action. Like, you tell me how Fenton is doing this. How's he going about trying to figure out who your patron is? I think he talks to the lunch lady. Okay. At shitty food? Yeah. Yeah. I forgot it was called shitty food. Yeah. So where is shitty food? Is it in a food court? Yeah, it's in the food court. In the main… In the main big food court? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool.

It just is the mall… Like, it's the municipally… Cafeteria. Yeah. Sanction. Like, there has to be a free food thing. Yeah. For people that are having a hard time. Yeah. Which is great. It's a cool kind of weird capitalist, but also socialist place. Everyone's taken care of, but also there is a bourgeoisie somehow. Totally. And as we talked about in the main game, when we were in the High Spir mall, the food court is like… Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the upper tier, there's like shit hanging from the ceilings, like weird apartments everywhere. Yeah. And on the upper tiers, that's where the elite of the food court are. Ooh. Like, that's where the Burger King is. That's where Wolfgang Puck hangs out. Wolfgang Puck? Yeah. That's just a name of a real person. No, it's a gang. Oh, it's the Wolfgang Pucks. Yeah. Yeah. Let the Wolfgang Pucks… Oh, my God. Yeah. The Taco Bells. Yeah. Very cool. Very cool. Yeah.

The Orange Julius is up there. No, there is a guy. That is one person named Orange Julius. And he just sells citrus fruit. That's why he's so successful. Yeah, so it's bustling in here. And in one corner of this massive sprawling food court is shitty food. And they just give out… What are they giving out at shitty food today? Slop. Sloss. Sloss. Slops. Slops. Slops. Sloppy slops. Is that a swips? Yeah, fuck, swips. It's like Canada Dry's gross cousin.

So it's just a piece of dry bread with some dubious looking sloss meat slopped on top. Yeah. Handed it out on a tray. Yeah, and he's sliding his tray down. Yeah. And it's that thing where the thing is too tall for him. So he's like sliding it down his head. Until he gets to the lynch lady. Whose name is Doris. Doris. Yeah, and Doris is… Six foot two. Yeah. Okay. Huge. Gigantic. Yeah. Stocky? Yeah. You know, good old like Nordic Great North woman. Mm-hmm. The frozen north. Like beefy.

Thick bones. Yeah. Getting high on her own supply. Yeah. Yeah. She can fight and carry a cow. But she chooses not to. She chooses to feed the hungry. Yeah. She's kind of a pacifist. Mm-hmm. With a wicked temper. Yeah. Gray braids, maybe. Oh, yeah. Older, I guess. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe middle-aged, but she just went gray. Mm-hmm. She saw some shit. Does she have a like, Oh, hello. Yeah. Okay. I like to think she's retired and she's like, I want a mission for the rest of my life. Mm-hmm.

To feed the hungry. Like she was in a war, maybe? Yeah. Or maybe she was like, maybe she was the closest that we've seen so far to like a paladin. Oh, yeah. Like a holy warrior, like with a cause. Oh, yeah. And she's just handing out sandwiches. And she goes, Oh, hello, little Fenton. Good to see you again. Hi, Doris. How do you do, my boy? I'm good. How are you? I am so good. Every day is good in service to the hungry. Yeah. Do you want some shitty food? Yeah. Here you go.

I think shitty is a different word. Like it means something else in her language. The town that she's from. Yeah. She's from a place called shitty, and she never realized what it meant in common. This is the finest shitty food. Sick. My shitty mom used to make it for me all the shitty time. All of the shitty kids would gather around the table and eat the shitty food. The food for generations has been shitty for years and years. As long as shitty has existed, this food has been here.

Fenton is like laughing. Fenton is like laughing. The kids come here sometimes just to get a good laugh. Yeah. It's like, she just keeps saying it. It's so fucking funny. She always finds new ways. Yeah, there's like an old, there's an old man and a young kid on either side of you, and they're both like, and the whole conversation. Yeah. So how are things going with that girl you always talk about? They're good. She seems to be taken with another person. Another person.

And I've given her quite a lot of paper mache moths. Oh, your moths are so beautiful. I saw the lunar moth in process. Thank you. Yeah, I finished it. Oh, it must have been so shitty. Yeah, it was pretty shitty. I don't doubt that she thought it was pretty shitty. Oh, what if it was shitty? It's the quickest way to a woman's heart. Yeah. It's shitty art. Thanks. Anyway. You have such a shitty heart, Fenton. Someday someone will see how shitty you truly are. I mean, I think a lot of people know.

She just keeps handing them out. You're basically just, the line is moving around you. Yeah. As people get their schloppy schloss. And I like do that thing where kids try and act casual, and I'm like, so. And I grab the corners of your coat and flip it up while you're talking. Like over your shoulders? Oh, yeah. Turn back and forth. Yeah. So I like do that. Yeah. I take the coat, I flip it over. And so Fenton's coat, he wears the trench all the time.

Uh, but he has like sewn flaps into it so he can sew, like, it's like a long man's trench. But like he, he like rolls the sleeves back, like almost like pirate, like long pirate, like Mal Reynolds's coat. Totally. And then, and he has like compartments in the tail. So that he can make it shorter for him. Oh, okay. Nice. Yeah. And then like roll it out when he needs it. When he needs to be Mr. Gilbert. Mm-hmm. Or Toblerone Jones. Yeah.

He's got, he's got the headband tucked into one of his sleeves. It's his belt. His palette swap. Headband. Toblerone Jones. Yeah. So he takes the trench coat, he flips it up and over. So he's, and he's like waving back and forth. He's like, so, um, I was wondering if, um, if you knew what you were doing. If you knew anything about our patron. You know who that is? Or if you ever heard about him. Oh, uh, the shadowy figure who gives you your jobs. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah.

Well, I mean, roll the dice, I guess. So what is this? Six. But what did you, I guess, consort is what you're rolling? Yeah. She's my friend. Yeah. That's what I, that's what makes the most sense. So six means that you fill three segments on the clock. Oh, wow. So this would mean. That she basically gives you some information that. Gets me like a third of the way there. So she basically says, I don't know too much, but I do hear a lot while I hand out my shitty food. Hmm.

But, uh, members of the food court, it said, are in high contention. Mm-hmm. The operations of a one orange Julius are butting up against the Burger King himself. And it said that proxies are being employed. Perhaps a member closer to the food court could tell you a little bit more. Okay. You think he's one of these proxies, maybe? Perhaps. Or do I have to talk to one of these proxies? That is all, unfortunately, that Dorison knows about this topic. So I asked you about my patron. Mm-hmm.

And you said there's tension between Orange, Julius, and Burger King, and they're employing proxies. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Something that they don't want their rivals to know. Perhaps plausible deniability would be the name of the game. Oh, so they're giving out, like, secret jobs. That could be it. They're working through… Oh, we could be the proxies. I don't know. Oh, man. Crazy. And perhaps you won't know for sure until that clock is afield. Okay. Sweet. Sweet. Thanks, Doris. No problem.

Sweet Fenton. Such a shitty boy. I gotta go. Bye. And he fucking moves backwards through the line instead of going forward. Excuse me. And he's, like, still got the trench coat up over his shoulders. He's like, I gotta get out of here. Go, go, go. Move. He's only, like, ten paces away. Oh, God. I gotta work on my cardio. All right. All right. All right. And so that was, like, a thing that you did one day. And you get another downtime activity, which we will not be acting out the entirety of.

Okay. Yeah. I just train. Okay. Great. Yeah. Oh, I should do resolve because that's… Because, yeah, I'm gonna do the… Because that gets me double, right? Yeah. Yeah. So how does… Just a quick snapshot of how Fenton trains in resolve. What's resolve? Sort and sway? And command and attune. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's all personality-based. So, yeah.

So, like, he's trying to fill out his consort track, and he's just like, how do I, like, make friends? And he goes to the bookstore, and he, like, gets a book, and it's the game. Oh, my God. Boo. Boo. Boo. He just starts, like, flipping through it. He's gonna anti-learn. There's a lot of misogynist rhetoric in here, but there's some good stuff. Oh, my God. And that's what he spends a significant amount of time doing. Yeah. Yeah. So, you're two steps further down the track to learning a new…

Or increasing inability of some kind. So we will go to Clover Ivy Fern. Hey. Hey, what do you think Clover is going to want to take care of in between jobs? One of them is a project. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Clover's trying to come up with a new tinkerer. Mm. But it's really hard because it's way above her skill level and she doesn't even know if it's possible. Yeah? Yeah, she's like, I wonder if there's a way to get into past the mind, past the physical mind and into spirit world mind, you know? Mm.

Candy that'll connect you with the spirit world? In a way. Yeah. Not like the way that Ving did. Yeah. Hubba Buddha. What's Hubba Buddha? Hubba Buddha. Oh, right. It's a gum. You chew. It's a gum. And you slowly gain enlightenment? Sure. Something like, she hasn't named it or branded it yet. As you blow the bubble, your mind expands that much. Oh my God, yes. And then it pops and it wraps your head. Wow, guys. Pops and you come back into the physical realm. Whoa.

While you're blowing the bubble, you're meditating. That's great. So, yeah, that sounds like a big thing. So, I don't know. What do you think? Eight ticks as well? To figure it out? Yeah. Yeah, for sure, at least. All right. Does Clover go to Greg to maybe ask questions about ingredients? Yeah, she's going to Greg anyway. She's got her second batch of forget-me-pops. She's going to go see Greg, see how he's doing. Sweet. So, Greg lives down in the steam tunnels. Yeah. In the utility corridors.

So, Clover goes down and it's this dank, dark dripping. You hear like the bloop. Mm-hmm. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Steam coming out of stuff. All right. And you find Greg in his special zone behind a particularly old and ancient boiler. Rough dark metal. It's been there forever.

It doesn't even really work, but he doesn't let anybody know that because that's where he likes to hide. It is. Yeah. He's in an old recliner. Mm-hmm. Well, an old Chesterfield that has those recliner bits with a little table in the middle. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And he's got like a nice kind of, he hand built like this little chimney thingy, this fireplace. Whoa. So it's like cozy kind of back here. Mm-hmm. Nice. Like a chimney. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nice.

And he's poking at a like shelves of fungus that are growing up the side of the old iron boiler. He's just like poking at them with a stick to, I don't know, facilitate growth, move their spores around. Something. Yeah. Hard to tell with Greg. Yeah. And he sees you come around the corner. He goes, well, if it isn't Clover Ivy Fern. Did you actually mess up my name? Hey, I've been messing up people's names longer than you've been alive, little girl. And I'll mess them up long after you're dead.

Oh my God. You say this every time I come over. I just want you to remember that mortality is around the corner at every possible opportunity. I know. I know. The circle of life continues. Yes. And it's coming for us all. I know. The circle of life could strike at any time. Okay. Should I go or can I stay? I have some forget me pops. You can stay. Okay. Come here. Join me on my Chesterfield. Yeah. And he reaches over the table in the middle and pats it. Do you have any oat milk?

Clover, how can you even ask me such a question? Of course I have oat milk. Okay. Thank you. I've been brewing this batch for weeks. Oh, it looks so nice and thick. It is. It's rich. It's foaming with flavor. Oh, and it's fermented too. Wow. And he pours you a nice disgusting cup of his fermented oat water. So what brings you into the tunnels today, Clover? Well, I just wanted to ask you about, is there some sort of like way that you could potentially like leave your body and mind to like…

Get closer to the spirit world? Oh, like, like transmit your brain's energy into an alternate state of being? Yeah. Like if you were like, I'm going to go have a nap and then… I'm following you. Yeah. And then, and then you have a really good dream. You're like, wow, I don't want to like wake up from this dream. I'm following you. Right? Um, but that dream is the spirit world. And so you can like do whatever you want there. And then once you're done, you're like, I'm going to wake up now.

And then, and then you're back. So what attribute are you using to make this role? I guess consort. Yeah. It could be consort if you think that it's just getting information out of him. Or is this like a study where you're trying to learn information? Yeah. It's study. You know what I mean? Like you're trying to… He's basically just being a book for you right now. Yeah. He's my mentor. Yeah, exactly. So you would roll a study. Okay. I have two of them. So I roll two? Yeah.

You roll two and you take the highest number. Which is three. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Not very good. Three. Okay. So with a three, you mark one segment. So Greg thinks, is there a plant in nature or science that allows one to use their brain to contact the spiritual realm? I can't say for certain, but what I can tell you, Clover, is that I'm going to eat every single fungus that I find in these tunnels until I can tell you for sure. I knew I could count.

I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible pill, I give you the invisible I'll do my best.

Thanks, Greg. I'll tell you more later. High five. High five, Clover. Namaste. He falls asleep. He pops it in his mouth. High five, Clover. Flap. You just slap him on the top of the head because he falls asleep halfway through. Yeah, and I bank the fire so it doesn't burn his mushrooms down. And then I tuck him in with his ratty blanket and I'm like, goodnight, Greg. And you leave this weird old man in his dank little mushroom cavern. Moldy old Greg. Moldy Greg. Great.

So yeah, you mark one segment on that clock and you get one more downtime activity. Oh, shit. Okay. Reduce heat. Yeah, it's the same thing. You tell me how you're reducing heat and then you roll a die and depending on what you roll, you reduce a number of heat for the crew. Yeah. On my way from Greg's back to the workshop, I'm rummaging around in my pockets and I have some choco nub knives. Uh-huh. Nice. And they're just good. There's nothing really weird with them. Kind of calming, actually.

And I'm eating a few and I see a security guard who's not the worst one. Yeah. Okay. What's the name of this not the worst one security guard? Mildred. Mildred. All right. Mildred is… Mildred is a university student. Okay. She's interning. Yeah, she's interning and she's like really… Really nervous about this job. Yeah. Great. So she's just standing outside a shoe store. Yeah. Like writing notes and looking at everybody. Hey, Mildred. Hi. Sorry. No, sorry. It's okay. I'm just…

I'm on patrol. Oh, sorry. No, no problem. Are you hungry? You know what? I am kind of hungry. I have some choco nubs if you want some. I just had extra. And I don't want them to melt in my pocket. Clover, that's very sweet, but you're associated with a criminal organization. Yeah, but these aren't criminal chocos. Just normal chocos. You don't have to have them. I just thought you know, I just want to spread the cheer around. Okay. And you looked kind of hungry.

And I know that you don't get a lot of breaks. Okay. So what attribute are you rolling for this? Consort. Consort. How many points do you have in consort? One. Just the one? Six. Six? Okay. So she goes… Okay. Thanks. Thanks, Clover. Thank you. No problem. I won't tell anyone. Okay. I love your scrunchie. Oh. Where'd you get it? I actually made it. You made it? I did. Wow. Shut up. It's actually just the top of an old sock and I snipped it right off. Oh my god. I should do the same thing.

It's pretty handy. If you just have a sock, you're not going to use any more snip snip. You got a scrunchie. I'm totally doing that. I've been thinking about selling them in the mall. You should. It's just… You would do so well. Do you… Yeah. Do you want one? Really? I have an extra one. You would? I would. Here you go. I'll take it. Wow. Thanks. And she gives you just like… It's the ugliest teal. Oh, it's… I love this color. And it clashes… It clashes so bad with your hair.

I put my hair up. Yeah. It's just like lavender and then teal. Like, wow. It's crazy how heavy my hair felt before. It looks so cute. Thank you. Thank you for the nubs. No problem. I, like, you know, the rest of the security guards, I don't really give them any snacks for free because they're kind of, like, really strict and boring. But you're, like, super nice. And I don't know if you've heard, but, like, we… Me and my friends, we kind of got in some trouble. I heard. With the roller coaster.

I know, right? Yeah. Yeah. But, like… But we just, like, happened to be there at the wrong time. Like, I swear, we were just playing and… And then we were just there and they were like, it's your fault. And I'm like, what? And it's not even… It wasn't even us. It was, like, Seamus, like, he kind of started it, so you should tell them that it wasn't us. It was, like, if… If they have a problem, they should talk to Seamus. Seamus. Because he's the one who starts everything.

You know, I knew it couldn't have been you, Clover. I know. You're so… I know. Just, like, Nat Seamus. Oh, my God. I know. What a… What a scoundrel. Yeah, he's the worst. I agree. Yeah. Okay. Okay, I'll spread the word. Cool. I'll try and smooth some things out. Just let people know that there's no way. Thank you. Thanks, Mildred. No problem, Clover. Okay. Have a good shift. I will. I'll see you around. Bye. It's just working towards lowering our heat. We didn't lower any heat.

No, you lowered three heat. Holy shit! Yeah. Together? Yeah, all together for the whole crew, you took three heat off, so I think you went from five to two. So, that, like, Clover manipulating security guards really went a long way towards, like, getting attention off of the Cool Treat kids. Awesome. Good job. And you look cool. Woo! I love my scrunchie. Yeah. Purple and teal? Yeah. Clover loves it. Like, legit, she wasn't even being a bitch.

Okay, so, Franklin, what sort of, what downtime activities is Franklin looking to take care of? Um, I had a couple ideas, but one was, maybe he's trying to find his birth parents. Whoa! Yeah, that's the one. Okay. No, I'm just saying, that's great. That's, like, heavy. Yeah. I mean, Abdul's was moth, or Yeah. Patron. Uh-huh. And the patron, yeah, because I'm just, I'm just, because I think that's great narratively. It's a big secret. Mm-hmm.

So, how is he going about finding this information in the mall? Maybe he'll start with his close friend, Dr. William Hook. His ex-social worker. Okay, yeah. So, you go to… Doctor. Yeah. So, you go to Dr. Hook's medical zone, medicine show, or whatever it's called, and he's, like, a street doctor, right? He's not a great… Yeah, oh, I'm not a doctor. Yeah. It says doctor on my door, but I didn't make the door. I don't know what to tell you. Blames the door. Yeah, sorry. Door says doctor.

I came in through the window. I've never touched that door. I've never touched that door. I'm not allowed to touch that door, but I'll chop your arm off if that's what you want. So, you're sitting there. It's, um, it looks like it used to be a pet store. Like, there's still cages built into the walls, which gives it a very strange, almost sinister vibe. Little skeletons and all of them. What? Why? What do you mean? Little skeletons of animals? No, I know that, but what happened to the pets?

They died in there? Yeah, the store ran out of business. Oh, my God. That's so sad. And they just left the pets and then Dr. Hook moved in and was like, well, I'm not cleaning out those cages. I'm not touching bones. Disgusting. So, yeah, he just sits in the back. Might be a weirdo, but I'm not a janitor. He's just sitting in this, he sits in this back room full of animal skeletons, sewing people up for food and money. And that's what he's doing. And you're talking to Dr. Hook? Yeah. Franklin?

Yeah. Good to see you. Good to see you. What do you need? Broken nose set? Bones? I came out pretty unscathed. I'm not unscathed. You do more often? More often than not, my boy. You do more often than not. Cracks his knuckles. He moves a chair over to sit near his, it's a dentist chair that he has. And he's like, it was here when I got here for some reason. So it was like a dentist shop that was turned into a pet store and is now a medical center. He hops up like, I don't know.

I just been thinking about, you know, like, you're the first guardian. That I can remember. And I just, do you know anything about my parents? Before I tell you if he does, what skill are you rolling? I'll fight you if you don't tell this shit. Do you have any social skills? Because that's the thing is you kind of need to do it. Command a tune? No. What if Dr. Hook does like, leads him, leads him through like a hypnosis. That's a tune. There it is. There it is. Yeah. I found it, everybody. Okay.

So yeah, give me a tune roll. Three. Okay. So that is one segment. Yeah. So this isn't going to be super useful. So he says, all right, I thought that this day would come. I knew that you would want to know more. Kid like you, they always do. Eventually, sooner or later, about when they get to your age, they start asking questions. Who are my parents? Yeah. And I want to help you. But I honestly don't know anything. Anything? Your case was just passed to me like all the other ones are.

Our network, as you know, is an informal one. Kids come to me when they need help. And eventually, I pass them on to someone else. But you know what? What? I think you might have a little something up in here. He taps your head. A lot of thoughts and memories get locked in a young mind. You might have memories of your parents that you don't even remember. You think? I got a little technique I've been working on. What do you say? I mean, I'm willing to try anything, I guess. Okay.

And he starts going over and twists a knob. And all the lights in the room go out. And then he gets a lantern. And he lights it in one side. And it's full of all these weird little like mirror panels. And it's on a twisty bit that he holds in front of your face. And he goes, okay, close your eyes. Okay. And he starts, you hear, reek, reek. And the lights start. And it's spinning and flashing in your eyes. And these like weird repeating patterns. That looks really cool. Strange shapes.

And he's like, okay, think back, Franklin. Think back as far as you can. Okay. Let yourself go. It's hard. I can remember the academy. And we see a quick flash of a younger Franklin Stein, freshly shaved head, getting pummeled in a sparring match. Whoa. And then he loses his temper and headbutts him. And then. I can see being a little kid. I see red everywhere. Big red billowing fabric, maybe velvet. And the lights spin faster and faster. That's it. That's all you can get. I can't. I'm crying.

And he starts like, I don't like it. The lights start slowing down. I'm scared. Okay. Okay. It's all right. It's okay. It's okay, Franklin. It's okay. And the lights, the lights turn off. He turns the thing in the lights slowly rise back up in the lanterns in the room. In the gas lamps. And he's like, I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. You did great. What was that? Those were memories. Those were real memories. We can try this again.

I want you to think on what you saw. If you want to take further steps down this path, I'm here to help you. I've always been here to help you. Okay. Okay. Okay. If you get hurt, you come on by. Thank you. You don't tell anyone about these casks of alcohol you see bit in the back of this room. Okay. What casks? Okay. You have a good day, Franklin. I'll see you next time. You too. Bye now. Bye now. Cool. All right. And you get one more downtime activity. I should learn a thing.

You're going to train? I'm going to train. All right. What do you want to train? Are you going to train in the playbook experience so you can get closer to getting a move? Okay. So you want to do an attribute one? Yeah. So yeah, you get one point in the insight track. I command. Sorry. Command? Yeah. So you get two points because that's part of resolve. Okay. Part of resolve. So you get two XP points in the resolve, which means four more and you get a point to spend. And an attribute in resolve.

Great. And how does Franklin train his resolve? He bosses Fenton around. He's just trying to get better at bossing Fenton around. So you're in the lair. Yeah. How is he bossing Fenton around? Fenton, get down and give me 20. Like 20 coins? I don't have that much money. Stand up. Give me five bucks. What? I don't have that much money. We have like four coin total. Jump it, Jax. Let's go. Let's see him. And then I like just jump and I go, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. Jack.

Four, five, six, seven, eight. Jack. Oh, God. I'm bad at this. But you feel yourself getting a little better. And yeah, that's the end of the downtime activities. Good job, everybody. How did the first downtime feel? It was an hour and 23 minutes. Wow. Jesus. Well, it's almost like I said that it could happen quickly, but then you all decided as a group to act them out. We just wanted to try it out. We wanted to try it out. And I love that. I loved it.

I actually liked it a lot because it's more in line with how we play games anyways. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara, playing Fenton Beasley, The Slide, Abdul Aziz. So long. Playing Clover, Ivy Fern, The Leech, Jessica Tai. Good night. Playing Franklin Stein, The Cutter, Paul Oppers. See you later. Thanks to our patrons for listening and for supporting. And we'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of the Cool Treat Kids. Always up to no good.

So tiny and greedy And angsty they be As they navigate crime and puberty And though our journey may belie a conclusion We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to the chocolate store As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score And for you I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corndog addiction Lenten's the sly, she sleeps in a safe And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome everybody to Spout More Mall Brats I'm your game master Sean O'Hara As we continue our game of Blades in the Dark By Jon And with me, as always Playing Fenton Beasley, the slide Abdulaziz Playing Clover, Ivy, Fern, the leech Jessica Tai And playing Franklin Stein, the cutter Paul Oppers Okay, so we're gonna pull another score I think that's the plan So as hawkers, you traditionally hawk your wares So maybe this one is more about selling Is about stealing Yeah Okay So I think what happens this time Is you're all hanging about in your lair You know, doing the things that you do during the day Tinkering away at different kinds of delicious candies Packing things up Being like, where are we gonna sell these things?

What are we gonna do today?

I've started one of those crime boards Where I've got like The Burger King and the Orange Julius And then like a question mark And then like a question mark And then like a face thing Where it's like our patron And then I've got I've hung a bunch of like little moths too Like little paper mache moths on there too Because I think it's pretty Yeah So you are all hanging around in the lair Fenton is looking at his Is looking at his crime board Clover is in her workshop Mixing up a new batch of some weird candy And Franklin's just doing push-ups So you're all hanging out And you hear Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Muffled voice Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Bang, bang, bang Muffled voice Do we have like a spy hole or something we can do?

Oh yeah, that would make sense Yeah, like We don't want to expose ourselves It's like a big sort of like Dr.

Seuss Eye spy hole And then also we have like a little speaker That's the same Oh yeah And also the main door of the chocolate shop Is like crazy booby trap Yeah Oh yeah Yeah Where it's like anyone that actually tries to break in Through like Feathers in their face Yeah, and a fucking crossbow bolt through their eye And then a hot iron in the middle of their face Wow Kevin McAllister style And then you step on a bunch of Christmas ornaments Cut your feet up I like that When we set up the booby traps It was like feathers, hot iron, Christmas ornaments, crossbow Yeah It's like one of those invalidates All the other ones Annoying, annoying, annoying murder I like the thought of it being like We set it up so well And that we Like we'd originally intended to use the front But we fucked it up so much That we actually had to use the back We can't get in I don't know how to turn it off It's like, you know, like Those people who are like painting a roof And they paint themselves into a corner And they're like Oh no I'd die on a roof Well, our door's booby trapped?

To hell We did it, guys Now how do we get in? Oh boy That's so funny Booby trap door We booby trapped our They can't turn off Out of our lair That's so fucking funny I love that Oh yeah, the vending machine Is in front of the chocolate factory And we have to crawl through the Like The flap?

The flap to get in So there's like a sliding thing Or like a thing that pulls out And you just crawl through that Yeah, there's like a secondary door Or I guess that's the private door It's the only door in a vending machine Yeah, there's only one door in a vending machine And then beyond that is another door Yeah Great That takes us into the chocolate shop Yeah Cool Yeah, perfect And you hear Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Bang, bang, bang I run down and open the door Yeah, you go through the chocolate shop And they're banging on your like Booby trap door Yeah And you look through your little spy hole And you see Spy snake You see in She's wearing a very fancy dress Her hair is done up in a very nice way She's wearing Fancy jewelry Everything about her is fancy And it's Franklin's on again, off again crush Anya Short And she's like Franklin Franklin, please come outside Holy shit He starts doing push-ups faster So he gets that real jacked look He gets pumped Jacked look Franklin And I like I'm looking through the door I'm like, Franklin It's that crazy girl that hangs out here sometimes Oh my god, Fenton Move out of the way Let me look Yeah And you see her She pushes my face into the ground Clover, what you notice is that she looks rich Wow She is so done up Do you have a date?

No, not that I know of Okay But she Shit Guys And he's running around looking for something Shit Oh my god Do we have any clean coveralls?

Oh my god No, you only have that All the dirty ones Yeah They all look the same Dirty, dirty, dirty holes Hold on I grab like a bunch of like my mists And I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I use as Air fresheners Uh-huh And I I spray them around your hair And I put like a nice kerchief on From my collection And Franklin grabs one of Fenton's moths And ties it around his neck like a bow tie He's adjusting it And slicking his eyebrows down Yeah, roll a d6 real quick This is a fortune roll Five You look good God It worked I feel good That's the problem You look good You smell good And you go outside And you go outside And you go outside Hey, baby, what's up?

So do you go You do this And you You're just saying this over and over All through the hole Yeah Maybe Crawling through Hey, baby, what's up? Hey, baby Hey, baby, what's up? Hey, baby, what's up? And then you tumble out the other side Anya Hey What brings you around here?

Franklin You look so debonair The fuck You look so debonair Does that mean You know, you have You have the same air as Devin My fancy older cousin And you notice just behind her There are three other fancy looking girls Like tittering And like talking Like, oh, is that Are these the Coltrane kids? Are they cool? Oh, they're very cool They're with me And they're like, Anya Ask, ask, Anya, please ask She's like, I will, I will, I will We were, um We were hoping Is this business related?

Should we go inside? Can we? Oh, it's secret, though Clover yells that through the door Yeah Oh, what? Who's this? Franklin, is this that That awful Clover girl that you hang out with? Whoa, whoa, whoa She's so rude Rude?

Not rude I just This is This is Coltrane kids only Fair If we're talking business I want to talk with my crew I mean, we were just We were just hoping to get some candy If that's If that's possible Oh Then we shuffle through the vending machine, too Yeah And we flop out Well, Venn flops out Does Clover flop out as well?

I also flop out But I like shake my hair back To like Be like, whatever, Anya And then I take a deep breath And I'm like Peace be with you Peace be with you Peace be with you Peace be with you Namaste What are your friends' names? Hi, I'm Franklin This is 93 names This is Trini Skinny Skinny and Minnie They're sisters Trini, Skinny, Minnie Nice to meet you, I'm Franklin They laugh And they move away a little bit further And they're like Oh yeah, so can we Can we get some candy?

Is that We can pay We can pay What kind of candy do you want? Do you have anything Like That'll make us feel like weird Or something? What? Like Do you want to go to the bathroom? Because we have that Yeah No, like we've heard That you guys have That you all have like candy That'll make you feel like weird You know, like the adults feel When they like When they drink wine or something Oh, the wine gums You have wine gums? Oh, what? Like it's gum with wine in it?

Yeah, they're just like Yeah, they're like fruity chewables But they're wine Are you sure you want those? They get you pretty drunk You gotta be careful with these Trini, Minnie, and Skinny laugh We can't have you guys just being drunk And walking around And maybe Loose lips sink ships You know what I'm saying?

Oh no, we would never We would never But we're just And she starts pulling out Like a little purse with coins in it We can pay, absolutely And I just Franklin, I just want to know I just want to know I just want to say We're not the only kids with money There are a lot of people, I think That would pay In other parts of the mall If they didn't have to come to this Hearted Abandoned Dusty dungeon It's We dusted it Yeah It's pretty clean right now We got the floor buffer out Yeah, this Four by five foot square In front of your store is okay, I guess There's a really clear line Where we We We dusted out Like four feet You could eat off the floor here Here, not so much The effect of this is that Like It makes it very clear That there's a hideout here Yeah Where it's basically highlighted The fact that It's like we cleaned We spelled the word hideout In mud On a dirty windshield Yeah, it is secure It is not hidden Yeah So she was able to walk Right up to the front door And be like Bang, bang, bang Hey, is the gang in here?

Who's asking? Wait, you said kids How many kids? What kind of money? Guys You know, in the mercantile district If you were to set up like a Like a distribution center Like a shop or something like that Some sort of stand I don't know Some sort of hidden thing You could stand to make Quite a lot of money I don't know Like it's not really our scene You guys are Criminals, right?

I'm a bad boy Anya likes shivers When you say that She's like Ooh We're not like Like, and I step down Like, we're not like Bad, bad boys Yeah, she's a girl Yeah But, okay What the fuck was that? Oh, okay And I look at Franklin like What the fuck?

Yeah, you know She I don't know She Look at her It's me Franklin, surely Surely you can see the opportunity here Guys Okay, Anya Listen here It's not even about the money We don't want you spreading Bad stuff Acting weird And having it found out That we're the ones providing you With those wine gums Like, we run a tight ship Right, guys? Yeah, totally Totally The pane of glass falls out of a window nearby And we're professionals How do we know That you're gonna use this stuff Safely And!

Secretly Look Ivy, is it? It's Clover Listen, Ivy Maybe you don't understand What it's like for those of us With parents But we don't want Our parents to find the things That we're not supposed to have So why would we Eat the things they don't want us to eat And take the things they don't want us to take In a way That means that they would Take them from us What about an exercise in trust?

A little tester If we don't have to do anything more And maybe we can get a few extra Securities on this door Figure out how to get in Through the door? That'd be amazing It would be great if we could use the door And not the vending machine Oh yeah, if you could get someone to fix this We put so many crossbows on that thing It is a fucking death trap And the trust exercise is a good idea Maybe we can try selling to rich kids Is there like a Party or something That we can like come to?

We don't want to set up a fucking whole thing In your zone There is a party in two days In the Mercantile District Jemsy Coblington Daughter of Bill Coblington Owner of Coblington's Shoes Maybe you've heard of it You looked at it, we're all barefoot It is a very high-end Shoe store that exists in the Mercantile District And she's holding her 11th birthday party And it is invite only Oh, and the party's gonna be so good Jemsy has some connections And catering the party Is gonna be none other Than the hot meat boys Ooh Fine, whatever, we'll be there, I guess Uh, I think I'll be the judge of that Okay, well if we're not there Then the wine gums won't be there So you can take it or leave it We'll see I guess we'll see You there That's so Well maybe we can trade you some of these Wine gums for three invites To this party, and yeah You're gonna have to roll something She doesn't want to give up three invites She's like, uh, I think I could secure A plus one For, uh, my dashing boy Over on this side of the room Well maybe those three Fuck, what were their names?

Skinny, Minnie, and Trinny Because I'm bad at coming up with names Maybe the The The The! Like, Finney sisters Skinny, Minnie, and Trinny Finney? Yeah, great Maybe those Finney sisters can take us as their plus ones Can I roll sway? To convince her to make them take us Yeah, you can Or maybe you convince them Uh, yeah Anya seems like the queen bee Yeah, she is Oh, she definitely is What is she wearing?

Uh, it's kind of like, um How rich girls dressed in the early 2000s in middle school And, uh, she's like, uh, I don't know Like, it's like What, fantasy-ish? What, fantasy-ish? Yeah, okay So it's one of those dresses that goes down to, like, mid-calf With, like, the dumb sandals and, like, Claire's jewelry Oh, sick Yeah Jewelry with pieces of wood in it?

Yeah, exactly So this is risky But it will be a standard effect Okay Three You failed Oh You got a three, which is a failure Okay But something that we just Absolutely didn't even do at all last time Was resistance rolls Oh You can say, actually, no That sucks shit I don't want to fail Uh-huh So when a PC suffers a consequence The player may choose to resist it Describe how you resist Then roll using one of your attributes You suffer six stress minus the highest dice result And you resist the consequence Okay, yeah So you can basically, like, potentially take a bunch of stress But still get what you want So would it be sway again, the attribute that I used?

Because I think If Anya's not on board If she's like, no, fuck off I'm not gonna get you I can, like, work on the girls Yeah Yeah So she's basically like I don't think so There's a certain caliber of individual That attends these kinds of parties And Franklin, as you can see by his Dashing paper mache bow tie And his wonderfully perfumed hair Meets our standards Possibly exceeds them But you two Ragamuffins Shall we?

We say I let out a fart as she says that She wrinkles her nose in a very In a way that makes her seem like she is trying to pretend she is not 12 years old She's like, uh, yeah, I don't think there's room Oh, okay Well, maybe I can beseech your friends instead of you And I turn to the Finney sisters and I'm like Madams Madams One thing that I do know about the Finney sisters is that they're not the same as the Finney sisters I give them the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit I give the credit Delicious wine gums to this boring party.

Yeah, okay, go ahead. So resistance roll. Yeah, so we're starting at six stress, and then you're reducing that number by the highest roll that you get here. And I'm using sway, so it's two dice. Yes. Okay. Four. So you take two stress. Okay. Can Franklin aid by trying to convince Anya? The way that we do aid in Blades in the Dark is you offer to aid before the roll happens. Well, we'll remember that for next time. I mean, you could also have remembered it from last time, but, you know. Fuck you.

The Finney sisters are like, oh, well, I mean. And I've been sashaying. Dude. Back and forth in front of them. Just to show how I could be at a hot party, a hot rich kid party. Uh-huh. Like, I'm doing spins. I'm doing spins in front of them. Like, doing a few tap moves, because my mom forced me into tap classes. And it's working for them. They're watching you like, ooh, oh, look at him move. Yeah. So light on his feet. Wow. Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee. They're like, okay, I guess.

And they look at Anya, and she's like, girls, do not. And they're like, okay, Anya, we understand. We won't. We won't. And Anya's like, I'll see you at the party. And she starts walking away. And you see the Finney sisters, they start to turn to walk away. But Trinny runs up to you, Fenton, and puts a little slip of paper in your hand. Mm. And says, meet me out front just before the party. And they hustle off, and they're like, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee. So that is the score.

You're basically trying to, you're going to be infiltrating and influencing in this rich kid party to try and establish a new, a new market for yourselves. We will do this the way that we did it the first time, in which you will decide how you're going to, like what your plan of attack is going to be on the score. So the way that we do that is with the engagement role. And the methods of engagement are assault, deception, stealth, occult, social, and transport. Sounds like social.

Sounds like social to me. Sounds like social. So the detail, that is missing, well, I guess it's not missing, we've already figured it out, is the social connection. And the social connection is Finney sisters. Yeah. So all that's left to do is actually roll the engagement roll itself. Two dice. Mm-hmm. And depending on how those two dice roll, we'll figure out what goes wrong. Okay. Franklin. Franklin's time. Yeah, that makes sense. Five. Shit, yeah. Okay. So a five is, a mixed result.

You're in a risky position when the action starts. Duh. Dude, we have no fucking clue how to be in a fucking debutante party. So you know that you're getting in. Yeah. You have invites. What are you all wearing to this fancy rich kid party? Garbage bags. Just go in in garbage bags. Are we doing a makeover montage? Yeah, we are. Yeah. Makeover. Franklin rips the sleeves off one of his coveralls. Why? Because it looks, it's good. Hot? It looks good. I guess it shows off your muscles.

Uh huh huh huh huh huh. Um. Put a belt on. Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. Um. What do you think? Not bad. I think you need a coat with that. Coat. Coat. I go through. Cover those arms back. Sews them back on. Shhh. Clover has a pretty like extensive wardrobe of like garbage clothes slash like Greg's old clothes. Um. So she like pulls out like a wizard. Um. Like a wizarding war. Like dress uniform? Yeah. Wow. Like ceremonial. Uh huh. And she's like, she's like try this on. It's a little baggy but damn.

It's a kid wearing like a dress uniform so it's like got epaulettes and tassels and so many metals on it. Yeah. But the sleeves are just huge. I rip them off. Yeah. Perfect. I just want to show some good stuff. You look great. I feel great. Thank you so much. I feel great. All right, Fenton. What do you want to wear? Can I wear just like a suit that like make, can it be slimming? So one of the slides character specific options for inventory is fine clothes and jewelry. Oh, sick.

So you can just be like, I just have just the thing and actually have clothes that look really nice. Oh my God. That is so funny. Yeah. Yeah. I look like James Bond. Can I rummage through her clothes? Is that funnier though? Yeah. If I use like your wardrobe? I think it'd be kind of funnier for you to show up looking actually dashing. I'm like, what the fuck?

Well, that's the thing is I think maybe he's, even if you're still digging through Clover's stuff, you're finding an outfit that you slap together that looks really nice. Okay. Sick. I'm going to do that. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm like, guys, I think I know a little something about making this look not so bad and I whip around and I rummage into like her things. And I like pull out like vests and like cravats and shirts. I start putting them on.

And what I've done is I took a shirt that had like billowy arms and then I just like tied strings around the wrists to like shorten it to the right length. And then I took a vest and I put it on top of that. And then I took a sash and I made it into a cummerbund and I snitched it up real tight so that my belly wouldn't hang out quite so much. And then there was a little bit of a! Yeah. There was like another uniform, but I flipped it inside out so that it would just be like regular.

There wouldn't be any like epaulettes or anything on it. And then I pulled on like a dress skirt. Nice. So you got legs ready to go. Yeah. It's kind of like tartan. The skirt is kind of tartan. Oh, cool. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. You look like a Scotsman at his wedding. So Fenton whips around and he looks pretty good. Damn! Yeah. Whoa! Oh my God! Buddy, you look great! And now the finishing touch. And I pull my hair out of the disgusting, greasy ponytail that it's in and I shake it out in slow motion.

Oh, does he just have like a curly ponytail? Because you were saying he has pretty curly hair. Yeah. It's just in a little curly ball on the back of his head. Yeah. Can it be like slow-mo like a hair commercial? And it's like, ooh, what you wanna say? Yeah. Yeah. It's that song again. Yeah. So what does Clover look like? Hair is piled up with the flowers all tucked in and she's done it like really nice. And she's used even like kind of fancier flowers.

I have a few dresses from Greg's late wife who was- Oh my God. Just slip that in. That's fine. One of Greg's late wives? Yeah. Yeah. He's had many late wives. No, wait. That's sinister as fuck. Keep that out. Keep that out. No, not that. Not that. Greg and his wife had- Yeah. They had an amiable divorce. Amicable divorce. And she just like didn't want some of her clothes. Clover's put on like a dark purple velvet dress. Yeah. It's like skimmy. And like- Mm-hmm.

And it's got- And it's laced with like satin. Mm-hmm. And she's- And then she has a matching purse. Whoa. But it's really thin. Yeah. But you're still a 12-year-old girl. Yeah. So it's pretty big on you. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still gonna work it. Uh-huh. That's the thing. It's like Fenton's clothes are gonna make it. So he kind of blends in against all fucking odds. But the two of you are sort of gonna be sticking out a little bit. Yeah. I'm wearing shoes that are way too big.

Yeah. And you have a sleeveless jumpsuit on. Yeah. And Clover looks nice. But when you look at her, you're like, wow, that dress is huge. It's all I have. It's close enough. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Determine your carry. What is everybody carrying? Medium, as usual. I'm carrying heavy. Light honestly makes the most sense. Okay. Anything more than light and it will be noticeable. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's the night of the party and you arrive at Jemsy Coblington's family estate, which is in the High Superior Mall, like a four-bedroom apartment. But they get the whole thing. Whoa. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. Wow. So you realize as you're walking in, you're let in by her butt-like.

I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and I give you the robe and arm and neither of them want to be on Clover's arm.

It's fine. I don't want to be on anyone's arm either. She whips her hair. Yeah. Yeah, I'm really hungry you guys. And Anya is like, there'll be food inside you little scavenger. Hey, hey. I know you don't get along with her, but she's my friend. Why do you hang out with these kids, Franklin? Why do I hang out with you? Uh, I think you know why. And she goes, a gesture that suggests all this. Puberty is hard. It's so confusing.

And you walk into this four bedroom apartment, you realize, whoa, all of these rooms belong to this family? That's crazy. As a bunch of people that live in the back room of an abandoned chocolate store, this is unbelievable. Holy shit. Look at this. I'm standing next to the bathroom. I was like, they got a little sink next to the toilet and then another sink. What? They have a toilet? And then I turn it on and I'm like splashing in it. And I'm like, it's like a little fountain.

Oh my god, the water's clean. Is it playing music? We're just splashing in the bidet. We're watching the bidet fan go and this music is playing. Yeah. It's like a slow motion splashing fight. So much bidet action. Just what poor kids do as soon as they're in a rich person's house. And Clover, you see across the room, you see a food table laid out and a bunch of teenage boys in official looking uniforms in the colors of the hot meat boys. Which are? Red and yellow. Yeah. Yeah.

They look like McDonald's employees. Hey, you guys. How do I look? You look beautiful. Really? Yeah. Really, though? Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna go to the snack table. Okay. Do I have anything in my teeth? Yes. Yeah, a lot. Did you brush your teeth this morning? No. Am I supposed to? Yeah, if you want to get stuff out of it. Okay. I turn the bidet on and I just scrub at my teeth. What about now, you guys? It's better. It's a lot better. Okay. Great. Great. After the bidet just hosed you in the mouth.

Yeah. Oh, that's what it's for. Yeah. It's mouth cleaning. And then Franklin and I do it, too. Ah. I wipe my face off with the hem of my skirt and I walk like kind of like what I think they would do in like a storybook. Like with shoulders kind of moving forward. And if I had hips, like my hips kind of sway, too. It looks weird. It sounds weird. Yeah. Go get them, Clover. Guys. I'm hot dogs. Oh, yeah. Go get hot dogs. Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah.

As we're watching her walk away, like doing these shoulders moves, like we see her in the wide shot and it's revealed that instead of alternating shoulder and leg, she's actually moving them at the same time. So she's doing a weird stomp move where it's just like, boof, boof, boof. Like some kind of weird monster. Like, wow, she did not coordinate that very well. Looks like a marionette. She looks like the dreams that I have about the Ogopogo.

As Clover's stomping up to this food table, all the hot meat boys start taking notice of you, like, tromping up to the food table where there's a variety of hot meats being doled out by these boys. I look around, I'm like, is there anything vegan? And they're like, is vegan a kind of thing? Is it a kind of meat? No. Then I don't think so, baby. Ugh. We're the hot meat boys and we love hot meat. Gross. I like, I look around to see where Seamus is and he's at the end of the table.

Yep, he's right there. He's handing out little hot dogs on sticks. Well, I think I see some vegan stuff down there, so I'm gonna go there. And Seamus is there. He's looking as fine as ever, handing out meat to all the pretty people, all the rich kids. I'm like, I'm gonna go there. I'm like, I'm gonna go there. All the rich kids. And he spies you, he locks eyes. Hey. And his eye's narrow. What are you doing here? I was invited. I find that very unlikely. Seamus is kind of funny. Yeah.

Seamus is genuinely kind of funny. I kind of love him. Yeah. And he is like, you were invited to one of the finest parties in the Highspear Mall. Yeah. With some of the richest kids in the entirety of this building that we all live in for some reason. Cut to Fenton and Franklin drinking out of the bidet. And the Finney sisters? The Finney sisters are watching you drink out of the bidet like, are we gonna dance or something? The water fountain in here is clean water. Did you guys know that?

Do they know that you clean your butts with that? You guys clean your butts? Do you guys clean your butts? Why? You're just gonna poop out of it. It's just gonna get dirty again. Right away. It's pointless. It's like cleaning your feet. Cut back to… Well, I was just down there and they didn't have any like vegan food. And I'm wondering if like, I was just gonna see if there's any like vegan food. There's like vegan stuff down here, but… Uh, no. We sell hot meats.

And he like twigs some thought in his head, hitches and he narrows his eyes. And he kind of grabs you by the arm. Just gonna like come over here. Yeah. And he moves you over behind a big stack of presents. Because it's a birthday party. And he goes, you're on the job, aren't you? What? What are you talking about? You're gonna try and sell these kids. You're moving in on our territory. I'm not. I was asked to be here. And I didn't even want to be here. They begged me.

And he reaches into the bag that you have. And he pulls out a bunch of wine gums. And he goes, I know it. Don't. Let go. Don't let anyone see those. And he throws them back in your bag. And he's like, if you think you're gonna muscle in on our territory, you and your band of mongrels, you got another thing coming. They wanted us here. They wanted this more than they wanted you guys. Oh, we'll see. We'll see. Oh, we'll see. Oh, we'll see. Oh, we'll see. Oh, we'll see. Yeah. We'll see.

And he's backing up going, oh, we'll see. Oh, we'll see. Clover's back. And then I trip over my dress. Because it's so long. You just eat shit right in front of. We'll see. Whoopsie. And so that's the risky position is Seamus and the Hot Beat Boys know what you're doing. They know that you're gonna try and sell to these kids. And they're gonna try and stop you. Okay. So I trip. And then I get up really quick and sprint back to the bathroom. And Fenton and Franklin are drinking out of a bidet.

Guys, stop it. What? I just. Just look up. Mouth. Water pouring out of her mouth. Did you know that people clean their butts? What? Why? Why would they do that? We did. We asked the same question. We got no clear answers. That doesn't matter right now. Oh, but I really want to know why. I just thought. I just saw Seamus and I didn't tell him, but he found out that we were selling our wine gums here. Fuck. So he knows and he's gonna tell on us. I mean, we can handle them. We know that.

I know, but they think we're like stepping in on their territory. I think we have to offload pretty quick. And then fucking bounce. Yeah. Maybe we should try and sell as much as we can to one person. All right. Who wants it? The baddest. Let's go and scope the party. The easiest way that I think that could happen is a group action. Oh, hell yeah. So who's leading this group action? I'm going to ask Anya, I guess. Like, isn't she our point of contact? Yeah, that makes sense. Distribution? Yeah.

What are you using to do that? My guns. What attribute? Oh. Gotta roll a thing. Hunt. Oh, yeah. You're hunting for like the kid that's like hurting to get drunk. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe you wouldn't be talking. No. You would just like look around the party. Look. Yeah. You know, like the kid that's like desperate. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, cool. So is this a group action? Are you all? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're all scoping out. Like I'm helping by using survey. Is Clover helping? I guess so. Can I use study?

Make a case for it. I observe people all the time because I have to like figure out like who is my, you know, my target. And so she like also kind of knows the look too. Yeah. She's recalling that information. I think that makes sense. Like I know the Hubber, Hubber stones. I know the Hubber stone twins. The Hubber stone twins. Their lives are super boring. So when they get out, they want to get fucked up. And they're 15. Oh, yeah. The kids are like looking at fucking. Crazy.

15 year olds are nuts. Yeah. That makes sense. Clover's using her knowledge to like direct Fenton and Franklin. Like these are the kids you got to be finding. Okay. Yeah. So let's roll this group action. All of us. Yep. And then this is whoever has the single highest result. This is risky because the hot meat boys are on the case. Sick. Damn. Yeah. Perfect. I'll cut to. Well, Paul got two. Yeah. Paul, I believe you take one as the person that was leading it.

You take one stress because you didn't get anything. Your highest was under a three or a three or lower. So on a six, you do it. That's it. You made it happen. Hell yes. Teamwork. Nice. Franklin's stressed. We go over and try to make them feel better. Yeah. He's desperate. Desperado. This is good for nothing. Rich fucks. Hey, it's okay. It's fine. You got us now. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you should go grab like a corn dog or something. Yeah. It'll make you feel better. You might be hungry.

Do you want one? Yeah. I'll take one. Just one? Yeah. Cool. And as you're making Franklin feel better, Clover spots the Humberstone twins. You see them next to a punch bowl, just standing together, not talking to anybody. They're older kids and they're very haughty and they're seen as very cool. So people are like, oh man, that's the Humberstone twins. And they're pissed off that they're not talking to anybody. They're like, oh, I'm not talking to anybody. I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to give you the give you the and Jason. Nice. They're both blonde. They both have short hair and they're both just standing together. It seems like they're non-verbally communicating with each other just like this fucking sucks. I'm so pissed off. But Clover's like, oh shit, that's the Humberstone twins. If we want to sell to anybody, it's going to be these two.

And just as you see them there, you see Seamus walk up to the two of them and start whispering. Shit. That's the situation. Seamus is up there and you're like, no fucking way is this happening. Come on, Fenton. Let's go. Let's do it. And we like… Hustle up. Yeah, push past through the crowd. Yeah, and it's pretty loud. You pass right through the dance floor.

There's a big glass jug in the middle of the floor and the cork's coming out and there's beautiful, loud, popular young person music coming out of it. Oh, like there's a music bottle in the middle. Yeah, but it's like a big jug. And there's like a DJ there. Yeah, and he keeps putting his hand over the opening of the hole. He's got different… Oh, pouring different liquids in and changing the music. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's got… He's putting his…

He licks his finger and he's putting it over the edge of the bottle and the music's changing slightly. Yeah, he… Oh, my God. So cool. DJs are cool in this world. That's so different from our world. Fantasy. But since he's… Since he's a DJ, he's gotta have something lame about him. So he's got those, like, little circular welder's goggles on so he looks like he's, like, a mad scientist. Hell yeah. He's just like, this makes me look cool unironically. Fuck yeah.

And you pass by the DJ and you get to the Humberstone Twins just as you see Seamus. He's got a little array of meats on his hand. Oh, my God. Seamus. This does not concern either of you. We're talking business. I think it concerns everyone because, like, I saw you at the clinic today, and I remember you saying, like, you had doctor's orders to stay home for at least a week until your rash went away. Yeah, I thought you had beaver fever. Why would I? I would never.

Then I'm like, this kid has beaver fever, and I kind of tell everybody. I don't even know what that would be, but I don't see how it would affect my operations as a representative of the Hot Meat Boys. Well, Tana and Jason, is it? Yeah. Mm-hmm. If I were you, I wouldn't touch anything of his, and actually, I wouldn't even talk to him. Like, he's definitely contagious. Yeah, look. Look at his front teeth. They're growing out. I think he's turning into a beaver.

And, uh, Clover, you are exploiting your knowledge that the Humberstone Twins are germaphobes. So they, yeah, so they look at Seamus, and they're like, ew. Oh, my God. We gotta get away from this kid. And they just, like, walk away from him. And you two follow them, I guess? Yeah. Yeah. But I, shoot, Seamus will look like, fuck you. He's like, oh, I'll get you for this, Clover Ivy Fern. I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do before the end of today.

And you're alone with the Humberstone Twins. All right. Cut to Franklin at the Hot Meat Boys table. Yeah, he's got a mitt full of the hot dogs. These things taste awful. You guys fucking suck. And he walks up to him, and he's like, does that thing where he, like, fakes him out, and, like, four guys are like, ugh! They all drop a bunch of hot dogs on the ground, like, ooh! And Anya comes up to you at the table, and she's like, Franklin, you're not even dancing with me.

You've barely spoken to me all night. He grabs her and starts, well, then, let's dance, baby. Holy shit. And he's dancing her, and he's, like, doing all these cool moves, and he's spinning her and dipping, and picking her up over the shoulder, just, like, as he's moving towards Clover, and Fenton, he, like, dances her over, and then gets over with his friends and, like, twirls her away and says, all right, let's sell us some motherfucking wine, girls.

And she's like, oh, wow, Fenton, you're so light on your feet. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And she twirls away into the middle of… Into the DJ booth. Yeah, and she's just disappeared. You hear a clang. The music stops momentarily. And you're there. Hey, Franklin. Yo. Hey, uh, this is Tana. Hi. And this is her brother, Jason. Hi. What are they, man? And we were just talking about, like, how boring this party is, right, guys? Uh, yeah. These are a bunch of kids.

Yeah, these are a bunch of kids. Are these guys cool? They're… Oh, they're cool. Are we cool? Are you cool? Oh, he's so cool. What are you kids even doing here? Like, you're, I don't know, pretty young, but you're, like, a baby. Hey. They look at Fenton. I have that Benjamin Button disease where I'm old, but I look young. Uh, you have a disease? Never mind. Stop it, then. It's not contagious. He's hilarious. What do you want? What do we want? No. What do you want? That's right. Yeah.

I want to get out of here. Yeah, we want to get out of here. Yeah, but you can't. Physically. But you could mentally, if you know what I mean. Uh, like, with thought exercises? No, like, like, substances. Uh, oh. I wasn't gonna say anything. Like, I only brought them as an emergency if it got super boring. We only sell to cool kids. Exactly. Because we're cool tree kids. Have you heard of us? Uh, should I have? Yeah, should she have? And I as well have? Uh, yeah, both as well have.

They haven't heard of us? I guess you guys don't like to party. And I just… He's right. Like, let the little bag of wine gums drop. Yeah. I guess you're squares. Somebody's gonna have to roll something to convince them that this is not stupid as fuck. Is it… What is it? You have sway, right? Yeah, I have sway. And you did the move. Yeah, but this also seems like a team effort. Oh, yeah, it is. So we could try an aid with this one. Okay, an aid. Only one person, Ken Aid.

Uh, but you basically take a stress and you give a die to Fenton. Like, he gets a bonus die. I'll take the stress. Yeah, so he gets three instead of two. And this is again, risky, but I'll say great effect. Because if you pull it off with these guys… We can sell all of our shit. Yeah. All at once. Exactly. Six. Two, three, six. Okay, I thought it was… Because if you roll more than one six, that's like a critical. And it's even crazier. But it's just one six, so it's a totally…

God, I don't think I could have handled it. Uh, you… My asthma is acting up. I cannot handle a critical right now. I would pass out. Uh, and you drop the little bag and Jason catches it. He's like, what are these? They're wine gums. Oh, like wine? Yeah, but, you know, like sneakier, because you can eat them and no one can see. Yeah, they get you real fucked up. Yeah, they're only for people who, you know, know what they're doing. Yeah. So go easy on them. Yeah, I wouldn't…

Personally, I wouldn't have more than a couple myself. They both jam their hands in and take a handful and shove them all in their mouth at once. Whoa! It's your party, bro. They're, like, chewing them like, I don't even taste anything. It would be… It's pretty good. I just want you kids to know that, like, you seem cool. Well, that's great. It's ten coins for the bag. Whatever, little boy. And they just take out their wallet and drop… You're not getting ten coins. Okay, what…

You don't get to determine that. The score is usually two coins. But they do pick up their whole purse and just drop it in your hand. And I try not to look too stoked. And they're like, do you have more of these? Because I think we can figure out… An agreement. We got more if you got friends. Yeah. We got lots of friends. We're the Hubberstone twins. Oh, I have more for sure. And I pull it out of my training bra. Her dress slumps down.

What I'm saying is that we have, like, friends, like, we know a lot of people in the mall. Maybe we set up a situation where through us, more people have and we have and then you also get. Yeah. I mean, this is a score and also we can set up some new turf. Yeah, we would be agreeable to this. Yep. We would do it for sure. Okay. Here's our card. What does the card look like? It is… It's a bat mitzvah card that just has the address of our secret shop on it. Yeah.

The address of your secret location. I was thinking something like a small map for how to get to the secret location. And it says, look for the clean area of floor. Incredible. And they just crumple it up and shove it in their coats. And they're like, okay, sounds good, little kids. We'll be in touch. Cool. And then we are not used to getting a score this big. So we just stand in front of them without walking away. They just teeter back and forth looking at you.

And then they turn around and they teeter away into the crowd. Great. What an awkward moment. We are pushers. That was pretty good, you guys. Yeah. Do we stay or do we get out of here? We can get the fuck out of here. We should get out of here. Seamus is really mad. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you know that Seamus is mad and you see the hot meat boys aren't at the food table anymore. Oh, shit. And you look and you go, oh, there's one over there. Where?

Like, just on the other side of the room. And you go, oh, there's one over there. And they're spread out throughout the room. So they're definitely trying to, like, corral you. And you see one of them talking to one of the adults. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Can we get out of here secretly? Yeah, potentially. Survey? Survey? Survey! Yeah. Yeah, survey. So give me a survey. This is, again, a risk. You have two survey. I have two survey. Okay. So this is risky and standard effect. Fuck. Three.

That's the highest one I got. On a three with risky, things go badly. So you see one of the hot meat boys talking to an adult and you look at them right as they point right at you. And you see the adult go, oh! It's the butler from the front. He's got his little cummerbund in his dickie and he starts wading through the crowd. He says, you boy, you! He's yelling over the music. Franklin runs over and knocks all the DJ bottles into one. It's a big crazy scene. Smash, crash, and concoffiny. Okay.

And it, like, a flood happens. He skirmishes the DJ booth. Oh, that would be wreck, actually. Wreck? Yeah. Okay. So this is desperate, but with great effect. Three. Fuck. Three. So with a desperate, three, it's the worst outcome. Jesus. Okay. Now keep in mind, resistance rolls are a thing. You guys can say, no, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think the person that rolls it has to say, I don't think so. You know what, guys? I don't think so. Yeah.

So how this works is, again, we're starting with six stress and however you tell me that you're gonna try and fix this, you'll roll that attribute. I mean, I was trying to fuck shit up, so then can I just start a fight? A brawl? If it's skirmish, that means you're gonna start scrapping with people. Yeah. Threes. Jesus. Three. So you take three stress. How much stress are you at? Six. Okay. How many can we take before you get drama? Eight. Oh, geez. You gotta do a rest next time. Yeah.

Engage in your fight. Oh, nine. Nine? Okay. But still. You need to do that. It's still pretty close. You, um, knock over the DJ bottles. It's this huge, massive crash, and the music just bursts. There's music, all flying throughout the air. Everybody claps their hands over their ears, because it's such a cacophony, and it's just too much. People start freaking out, and a hot meat boy just jumps on you.

The scrap starts happening, so you start getting the shit kicked out of you by a bunch of hot meat boys, and that's where the stress is coming from. Ivy jumps in, like, right away with a huge handful of trans powder. Yeah. With rec? If you're fighting people, it'll be skirmish as well. I don't have skirmish. So that's a fortune roll, basically. Three. Three. You throw a handful of trans powder at the hot meat boys in the middle of this room.

As you're doing it, one just reaches out and grabs onto the bag that you have, and they pull off one of the little pouches that are on the side, and you know that you had money in there. So the crew's gonna lose, like, one coin as they just yank off a bunch of your money. Okay. Okay, so you're gonna get that. So the trans powder hits the crowd, and everybody, including Franklin, who has been hit with this before, starts blanking a little bit, and there's a momentary lull. Yeah. You do.

Drag Franklin out. Fenton, help me. I help her drag Franklin out of the room. We rush out if we can. Yeah, this is one more group activity to get out of here. And then that'll be sort of this roll that'll get you out of the room. Oh, maybe I'm, like, surveying for, like, the clearest path. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. So yeah, this is Fenton's roll. So how's everybody helping to get out of this? Like, what's rec for? Rec is for wrecking things, sabotaging things. It's not for people.

It's for, like, structures and stuff like that. Oh, there's, like, a… There's a big, like, ice swan sculpture. Yeah, exactly. That's great. With, like, champagne flutes all stacked up. I'm like, that's so stupid. I just kick it over. Yeah, that's perfect. Franklin's gonna hunt for a way out of here. I'll use hunt to find the way out. Yeah. Do we know? No, that's perfect. That's great. So Fenton's leading the thing, so everybody roll those attributes. I got a six. A three.

Six, three, and three. So Fenton takes two stress. Okay. But everybody gets a six to get out of here. So that works, like, Franklin and Fenton are both looking for, like, the way out and, like, to stay out of the hot meat boys thing, and Clover's like, this is stupid, and just kicks the leg out of a table, and a massive ice sculpture of a swan just falls down off a table and shatters into a million pieces, and kids are freaking out, and in the chaos you're able to slip out the door you came in.

Fuck yeah! Cool. Fuck rich people! Cool treat, kids, forever. And with that, you are out and into the mall and into the darkness. And you have secured a customer base in the Hubberstone Twins, and you have made a deeper, deeper enemy of the hot meat boys. Also, we got their wallets. Yes, also you got some money. That's the end of that score. You guys just make it back to the lair? Yeah. You get another two rep for that.

These sales represent, like, future potential money, so for the standard score, you guys get six coin. Total? Yeah. Yeah, total. Oh, we get six? Yeah. Shit. How much heat do we get? Well, would you say that that was smooth, contained, loud, or wild? It was a little bit loud. So, four heat. Because everybody saw you were the reason for a lot of this shit.

Ivy's throwing powder in people's faces and kicking over ice sculptures, and Fenton is a weird kid in a trench coat, and Franklin's beating people up. It's such a funny move to be like, fuck, that's Barney! Yeah, we just really destroyed it. All these fucking champagne flits. Yeah. We cut to the Cool Treat kids in their lair just ragged as shit. Fuck those guys. Who do they think they are, those spoiled brats?

I have a bathtub which is just like a big, empty barrel, and I'm sitting in it because I have an Epsom salt bath. Like, this was crazy. Fenton is back up on the roof, monologuing again. Yeah. He's got his cane with him.

He didn't get to pull out the sword, so he's like, holding the sword out, and he's like, and so it goes, that another connection has been secured for the Cool Treat kids, for the sweetness will be distributed to the Richies, and the Richies will distribute their sweetness down to us, and so sweet we will be, that our mummies will be like, ooh, you're too sweet for me to even kiss. And that is the credit roll over this weird monologue yet again from Fenton Beasley.

As the sun sets on another day and another score for the Cool Treat kids. I've been your Game Master, Sean O'Hara playing Fenton Beasley, the Slide, Abdul Aziz. So long. Playing Clover Ivy Fern, the Leech, Jessica Tai. Good night. Playing Franklin Stein, the Cutter, Paul Oppers. See you later. Thanks to our patrons for listening and for supporting. And we'll see you next time. And so ends the tale.

Of the Cool Treat kids always up to no good so tiny and greedy and angsty they be as they navigate crime and puberty and though our journey may be like a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to the chocolate store as the Cool Treat kids plan their next score and for you I'll gladly spout now and once you crash through the roof of the fort you were accosted by Seamus and the hot meat boys get over to me Jessica burped unexpectedly Abdul made me eat sushi with him did not make offered goodwill sorry so kindly offered to get sushi and then I ate a lot of it I left a dinner halfway through to order sushi from a different restaurant like a psycho we had a recording session earlier in the day and then Abdul and I went surfing and then we had Japanese food during which Abdul left mysteriously yeah it was our only nice dinner out on the town we had without Abdul he left for at least over half of the dinner yeah he got up with his his infant son and said I'll be back and took like half an hour hey I have a crazy relationship with food it's true half an hour each way it was nice to be without me for a few minutes when you came back it was also nice it was nice all the way around because when you came back your baby ate udon noodles and then when like 10 minutes after Abdul got back he shamefully admitted that he went to order four rolls of sushi four is reasonable for everyone yeah but we didn't know it was for everyone and then he was like I have to pick it up at 830 and we're like we're having dinner I have to leave again and then when he came back he was like I was like where's the sushi and he's like I put it in my car I'm not gonna like bring it here to this other restaurant that would be crazy you said that in earnest like I was the idiot for even asking so overall pretty nice day hi I'm Simon I'm G and I'm Boof have you heard about Pickaxe's hit new old movie podcast Yomp we each have a list of six films we want to share every week we roll a dime and we'll give you guys to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss MC Bunkerwelt says this trio is perfect for a movie podcast G is the casual that has the mainstream movies Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems and Boof is the cellar goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper Messiah Jones says such a fan of this podcast I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes and Simon can be a great friend of mine and Simon can be a great friend of mine and Simon can be a great friend of mine and Simon can be a real curmudgeon but the three work together well enough to keep the flow and make a good product Serenity Indeed says love this podcast so far but the audio is all over the place goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle every time somebody stops talking for even half a second their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again it's very distracting edit this audio issue was with my laptop find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Yomp or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above or give it a try by clicking the link above

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has her corn dog addiction Benton's the sly, she seeks the safe And writes vampire fan fiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome everybody to Spout More Mall Brats I'm your game master Sean O'Hara As we continue our game of Blades in the Dark by John Harper Joining me today is my friend, He is always playing Franklin Stein the Cutter, Paul Oppers What's up?

Playing Clover, Ivy Fern, The Leech, Jessica Tai How's it going? And playing Fenton Beasley, a.k.a. Mr. Gilbert, a.k.a.

Toblerone Jones, The Slide Paul Abdulaziz Paul Abdulaziz Paula Abdulaziz That's pretty good When last we left our heroes, they had acquired new territory In the mercantile district of the High Spear Mall By convincing The coolest shit Hubberstone twins To sell their wine gums for them And also drawing the intense ire of the Hot Meat Boys yet again And causing just unlimited chaos at a kid's birthday party Now we can begin the downtime activities First we'll determine your entanglements So how entanglements work is after your payoff Roll a number of dice equal to your wanted level And read the results according to your heat You have a total of four heat Pfft!

It is a three Which is gang trouble or questioning Sick, we're gonna get question again Cool Fun! It was fun last time Yeah Is that you guys wanna go with questions? Yes Yeah, it was good Okay So how questioning works is the Mall security grabs an NPC member of your crew But we have determined that you do not want it to be an NPC Fuck the NPCs You want it to be one of you guys And question you related to one of your crimes So who does mall security think is the most vulnerable?

It's Fenton Yeah So roll a dice that will determine how much more heat we get Yeah One single dice Yeah And it's gonna be six minus whatever this is Nope Oh, okay On a one to three you're gonna get two It's always fun when you Oh, okay It's always just fun when you guess On a one to three it'll be two heat And on a four to five it'll be two heat And on a five it'll be one heat So this could give me three or two?

Two Two, max Or one maybe Or zero Or maybe zero if I roll six Yeah, maybe it'll be zero Fuck What is it?

One Alright Dang it It's the opposite one from what I was trying to get Yeah, so that is an additional two heat for the cool tree kid Oh Fenton Beasley Which means Uh It sounds like I'm a cool tree kid I'm a character in a 1950s sitcom Yeah, totally Leave me to Beasley So here's the scene direction Uh-huh That's about to happen Cause I assume you wanna play it out a little bit I guess so, yeah Um Fenton's gonna give up the goods No No You have to for two heat Cause it means that It means that you just give up too much information Uh-huh But it doesn't have to be that much Because Corb Green's a damn fine detective So you could give him just a little bit And he's gonna follow that lead like a dog following a bone I guess so, yeah Um So He seemed Last time we talked to him He seemed to be putting together Connections that were like Well, he's a writer He Oh, right I guess he is a writer It's kinda cool that he's a writer He's got a mind for stories Yeah Yeah Um Okay, so where He's kinda like the detective from Knives Out And Murder, She Wrote I haven't seen it No spoilers Yeah Yeah, I was gonna say Murder, She Wrote And Castle Featuring Nathan Fillion Okay, so where's Where's Fenton when this happens?

He Is Engaging in his vice Oh So he's sneaking into the theater Oh Oh Oh Oh Right, his vice is he watches plays Teen dramas Specifically Yes So what is the teen drama he's watching? It's the Lone Tree Hill It's Lone Tree Hill? Yeah I don't wanna be anything other than I don't wanna be anything other than I'm trying to be lately He's singing that Yeah As he's shuffling through the vents The vents? He doesn't just go?

No, he doesn't He can't pay He doesn't have enough coins That's I guess that's true Yeah He's a bit of a penny pincher Yeah Yeah He's got a little map with him too But it's getting smudged up Because he's So fucking sweaty And he wrote it on a pancake And he keeps eating bites of it Because it was the map And his snack for the theater Make sure you bring your map snack So He left a chocolate bar and a radiator That's in his pocket And it is a fucking mess This is every like scoot Just leaves a trail of mush chocolate On the vents That's gonna make the hobnoblins go crazy He can hear them skittering around the vents He's getting scared Which is also He's getting lost Because he's scared I like to think This is the route you usually take And there's like other candies That are smeared too Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah There's like peppermint patties Stuck to the Yeah And every once in a while It's one of Ivy's like Alchemical candies So there's parts of the vents That are just warped Or like different colors There's one part That's just always full of fog And you're not sure why If there's ever a situation Where like They have to find me They just follow the trail Of candy And they're like Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Andy threw them Just touch the wet chocolate Still warm Yeah He's still here He's nearby Actually so yeah That's what happens Is uh Do we want to do any of the Any of the play?

Uh Or do we want to go Cut to after? He's not there He's so lost Oh he can't even get to the play?

Yeah He's Cause he got scared Cause of the hobnoblins Yeah And also cause he got so sweaty Uh huh Okay so Fenton is like Don't Don't Don't Trying to get through the vents And you You Squeeze your Chubby little bulk Around a corner And standing at his full height Leaning against the side Of Of the vent With a Long piece of wheat Sticking out of his mouth Is Halfling detective Corb Green And I get scared I'm like Ah I try and turn In the vent But I fill the whole thing up So I just get wedged And he uh He Pulls out a little match Strikes it on the side of the vent And lets it go And lights the end of the wheat on fire And sucks And takes it out of his mouth And doesn't do anything Cause no smoke went Cause he just lit the end of the wheat on fire But he smells it He sniffs the end of the wheat and goes Well hello Mr.

Beasley Hello Funny to see you here I was just thinking the same thing Dink Dink Dink He gets really close Are those his spurs? Yeah he's got spurs on I guess I was just making like the Because he's walking around Walking in a metal vent Yeah It's for intimidation purposes Okay So uh Where were you One week ago During The birthday party Of a one Girl's name I can't recall No Nothing I was drinking out of a toilet What kind of toilet?

It was a toilet fountain A toilet fountain Is that something that you And the cool tree kids Have recently acquired? No We went to house To see the toilet fountain And we Drank from it The water was clean We'd never seen that before We're drinking mostly chocolate That's where we got most of our Body moisture from Whose uh Whose house was this? No one's No one What's their last name? No one No one No one Eh?

Interesting Well I happen to know That the only homes in the mall That feature Toilet fountains Are those in the mercantile district And what would you In your Compatriots be doing In the mercantile district? Kissing girls Why the fuck off man? I know for a fact That you have never kissed A girlfriend in Beasley I have I kiss a lot I have a girlfriend In the mercantile district That's why I was drinking Out of her toilet fountain What's her name?

She invited me to come over She said Rinse your mouth out With the toilet fountain And then Kiss me On the lips What's your girlfriend's name? With your tongue What's your girlfriend's name?

I licked all up on her lips I licked all up on her lips He is Drawing on Like Zero Context for this Cause also his parents Never kissed in front of him He has no idea What it's supposed to look like He says I wouldn't take you I would assume That you're too young For Beasley Well Well Uh Jemsy didn't She I think Jemsy Jemsy eh? Jemzz Zone Jemsy had a birthday Last week didn't she? Yeah Would you happen to have Been in attendance At that party?

No Well that's funny Because Jemsy's family's Butler places Three individuals Quite like yourselves On that very premises Wow Three twins That are also friends With one another That we didn't know about Who could have seen That coming?

Three twins A plot ripped straight From the pages Of the One Tree Hill Playbook Now let me just Clarify what you said You said twins Twins to yourselves Or twins to each other And three would make Them triplets And three would make Triplets No they're So each Fenton Which is you Which is Franklin and Clover Each of us has a twin That we don't know about I think From what you're saying Sir So it seems like We have a mystery On our hands And I would like to be Your little halfling Detective Sidekick You can do that By maybe Telling me And he reaches into One of his little pockets And pulls out A wine gum Says maybe tell me What you think this might be Uh that's a little Uh It's a candy You know what this is Fenton No I don't This was found In the possession Of a number of Underage youths At Jimsy's birthday party And they were intoxicated Beyond belief As if they As if they drank Pure unpasteurized cream Straight from the cow's teats Okay And there's only A handful of individuals Known to create candies Of such illicit varieties I posit to you That you The cool treat kid And other kids Were present at this birthday party In an attempt to secure Some sort of new clientele Amongst the richer More affluent children Of the mall Good theory Here's a counter theory My friend Maybe there's a conspiracy Where a witch Is making Double children Ooh Double children That look like us But they do bad Mean things Uh oh The Habberstone twins Gave you up Fenton No It was the double kids I swear to god Don't take me to jail Why would I take you To jail Fenton No cause The rich kids Are lying about us And they're Telling you That we're bad But we're good kids We're good We both know That's not true They're so hot Sorry It's okay So he says I was keeping an eye On you kids before Mr.

Beasley But now I'm keeping both And his eyes are wide Okay Keep yourself out of trouble Can you help me Get out of here I think you can Find your way out I'm stuck Good luck Fenton And he turns around And he Ding Ding Ding Down around The vent Away from Fenton And turns the corner And then a second later Uh Runs back down The other side With a hobnoblin Right behind him Going And then he's gone Right Yeah Cool So you now have Two additional heat And you are coming up On a uh Pretty Pretty dicey situation For the cool tree kids Okay Sorry guys No no no It's good It's good Guys I gave up A lot of information I got cornered in the vent I shit my pants That's chocolate Some of it Yeah And now we're in the Downtime phase of things So now Each of you gets Two downtime activities To choose from I mean Beasley's just told us About his encounter I think one of us Should try and reduce heat Mmm I can try And reduce heat Okay So he's gonna offer Some protection Or to beat somebody up Mmhmm Gonna offer to be a heavy To who would need it To reduce our heat Maybe a mall security Maybe he's Yeah maybe a corrupt Mall security Yeah Oh yeah Yeah So yeah Who's this Who's this corrupt Mall security Yeah Somebody who's been like Cashing in Oh yeah yeah yeah Who's that lady from Tina Durger Yeah Tina Durger Oh yeah Okay What was her deal She replaced Chathain Yeah she's the one That took over For Chathain Sweet Okay She's a real Shifty one Yeah Yeah He's gonna offer His cutter services To Tina Durger Alright So you roll With whatever action You're using Sway Sway So roll as much sway As you have Oh no skirmish He's gonna Like just flex Just flex And like do some cool moves He's gonna shadow box In front of her Exactly Like try and beat up Her coat rack Yeah Try Watch this Holy shit Eleven What was your highest one No your highest one Six And what does it say On the reduce heat Three Three With a six Alright So you reduce three heat Yes And Tina's drinking From her World's best Mall security Boss mug And she's Really tiny littering Yeah She sees you Punching the shit Out of her coat rack And goes Alright kid You got some chutzpah I might be giving you a call If I need anybody Roughed up Say no more Her eyebrows Do a bunch of moving What's wrong With your eyebrows Are you okay Nothing's wrong With the eyebrows That I have These are the eyebrows Of somebody In power So you ride with me kid Maybe you'll be in power One day too Huh Sip Go I'm gone Goodbye Goodbye Close the door Kisses his knuckles As he leaves Close Close Close the door And the other hand I'll be waiting up With these You should Once you close the door Okay Punches the door closed As he leaves And then he's just Stuck in her office Um And then he holds up His two fists Can you open the door For me please She gets up And opens the door These things Once they're locked And cocked They're ready to rock She slams it in your face Man I Originally imagined That scene How Fenton would've done it Which is He would've just been like Beating up the coat rack And then just been like So basically That's what I could do for you As long as it's a coat rack Or weaker Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!

If it starts fighting back I don't know what's gonna happen But I'll smash any rack you got It got Got in a squirrely there When the wolf swear came around But it was okay It's okay I'm just allergic But it's like a mild irritation Cool And you get one more Downtime activity Yeah well I'm gonna indulge vice Okay I've got sick stress You have sick stress?

Yeah Stress Cause I kept taking Extra stress to be Fighty Right Yeah Okay yeah Can do So um Yeah you roll A number of dice Equal to your lowest attribute One I guess One yeah Three Okay yeah So you reduce it by three Pretty good Yeah pretty good Not bad By half What does Franklin do To reduce his stress? Um I wanna know what The weird shit That Franklin gets up to You know what I mean? Cause he's like a kid That's trying to indulge In his spiritual side Right?

Yes Yeah so what's the What's the idea? He does it through Anger dancing Oh Like footloose Style Through the fucking mall Fucking sick Shit Holy shit Yes So cool So he's like Puts on his favorite track And it's very meditative It's very attuney Do you have headphones in? Like you have a little bottle?

No he has Uh these little Pieces of foam That he found That he puts in his ear That he pretends And his The beats are just in his head Whoa In his head Weird kid Da na Da na Da da da da Da da da da Da da da da Da da da da Da da da da Da da da da Yeah I imagine He like burst out of Tina Durger's office Yeah Okay And he's like Down and then Somersault into a full Like spring ham That's a move right? Spring ham?

Into a spring ham Yeah you've somersaulted Yeah the nog hogs are there Yeah They've got their pigs They're riding pigs And then he's running And flipping and jumping And diving and Punching things And jumping through the doors And sliding down the Escalators but not Touching the stairs Sick Yeah Keep describing He dives into the river of cheese And And jumps at the other side Flips onto the ground And keeps going And Burrito Canyon Yeah The river queso That's so funny Yeah That's so funny Rio queso Yeah I like him doing a A pummel horse On a giant chocolate bar For some reason It's like a fake chocolate bar Up in the chocolate district Yeah you do You do the pummel horse On a chocolate bar And smooth Jeffrey goes Who's that kid?

Yeah Then you Iron cross And some onion rings What's an iron cross?

Oh Rings Oh Yeah Totally Just go through all the Gymnastic Yeah And Corb Green's like I don't like him But I respect him Nice Anya just goes And fans herself As he Like he's running by Full tilt And just as he comes by He turns and runs Full tilt backwards And just kind of Winks at her Yeah Running full tilt Wow And then does a back flip Over a hot dog stand Whoa Whoa She She Swoons Puts her hand to her head And goes And the Humberstone twins go Whoa Well I'll have whatever He's having I'll have whatever I'll have whatever He's having Testosterone Youthful hormones Did you know that he has a A tuxedo t-shirt?

Did I say that before? No But that's sick I think you mentioned it Okay I think so right? Yeah But I forgot that It's so cool It's a cut off It's a half shirt Yeah It's cut off What?

He's got a half He's got a tuxedo t-shirt Under his coveralls It's a crop top So when he gets When he's like feeling dancey Dan dan And one shoulder Dan dan And the other shoulder And ties around his base Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Dan dan Yeah his kid abs Like way too ripped kid abs That's so funny Is when he's like I'm gonna look cool And athletic now And he undoes it And he has a crop top Yeah Of a tuxedo That's so funny So sick This whole sequence Is so 80s Yeah Yeah Cause it's like a kid Like flash dancing Through a mall Yeah That's sick And that's like Helping him like attune I guess with the more And his environment Yeah His body Yeah I like He's scrappier than Than he thinks Yeah Than I thought he was I like him being super scrappy And just like Oh Fucking do anything Yeah Fuck Yeah And kinda like artistic In a weird way Yeah Weirdly artistic Yeah Cause Franklin's got that Like gentle giant thing Yeah Where he's like I'm violent But only because My life has led me to be Frankenstein Yeah Oh!

Frankenstein Yeah Yeah He doesn't wanna be a monster No It's not He was made that way Man Don't look at me Oh man Great Okay Clover Ivy Fern What you doing? I wanna reduce heat And indulge vice So indulging vice Is for clearing stress Does Ivy have any stress That she wants to get rid of? I have one stress Okay yeah You could get rid of that Sure Cool Corn dog time Okay So I don't know What's your vice again?

Corn dogs Shit yeah I cannot wait So jealous of the vice Okay so here's So here's a couple things To consider Is if you clear More stress than you have And you only have one stress Right now Yeah You overindulge Which is like A bad thing happens I'll overindulge Whatever Okay alright That's a potential thing That can happen Cool So when you Indulge a vice You roll dice Equal to your lowest attribute So you're rolling one die One Yeah so you You reduce it by one Yes So you don't overindulge Woohoo Which is perfect Yeah that Cause it can be bad Like you can attract trouble Which means you get more entanglements You can brag and increase your heat Yikes Alright Does Ivy have another one?

I Am going to Long term project Fuck yeah What is Ivy's long term project? Her project is To make a gum To reach the spirit world Oh right Right right right Okay great Then yeah Go ahead and Roll the trait that you're using Which is My lowest one Nope So this is like You're working on it So this is a regular roll So how is Ivy working on this?

Well she goes to visit Greg With the With the smarty root oil She's like I've got some of this I want to test this out On the gum And I want to see If it does anything Yeah Greg's sitting there And he's He's spinning in his Wheelchair Uh huh It's like Ivy I'm so glad to see you again I found a new mushroom Under the boiler It's got me flying high What do you need? What can I do for you?

Awesome I'm sweating out here I'm sweating a lot And it's really greasing things up So I'm ready for anything Yeah I think I'm going to Drop it off for Greg To test it out a bit Don't use it all Greg Oh I wouldn't I wouldn't dream of using it all I've got so many good things Growing on so many weird things Down here That's true I'm going to take a look At that mushroom after What are you What are you rolling with?

I guess study That's great Two and five Five So it's always your highest one Oh okay Holy shit Nice So five I get two Yep Oh sweet You fill in two segments Thanks Greg High five And as he's spinning around He spins by And he goes Smack And he keeps spinning See you later kid Bye And you leave the gross steam tunnels Yep While I look at the mushroom Oh yeah So there's just like It's growing upside down But it's growing Like it's hanging down And then it's a symbol shape So it's like It goes from a point And flattens out So it kind of looks like A little radar dish Pointing to the bottom of the mushroom Straight down Wow And it's like a A deep purple Oh I pull out my knife And I cut a little wedge out of it Like a pizza Perfect Let's take this home Put it real gentle In one of my bags Oh that's nice and mushy I feel like I'm gonna be nice I'm gonna be nice and gentle With this mushroom piece So nice and mushy Oh no It's staining my bag I'm gonna God I'm gonna walk fast Let's go Yeah it's staining a nice Purple color though And it's dropping little drips Of purple ink As you walk Yeah Ooh Yeah Drip drop So that's Ivy's downtime What do we got for Fenton?

I'm going to Do the project clock I'm gonna do my Long term project Which is To find out Who our patron is I've put the mods on hold Momentarily Yeah There's one big Beautiful Atlas moth Looking motherfucker And you're like And I'm standing At a store window And I'm looking at Like this Diagram of a moth It's like one of those Like trinket stores And I'm like Oh Clover would love that What is Fenton basing Ivy's love of moths Off of?

Cause they saw a moth Together once Alright If there's a flashback It would be just to them Walking through the mall And Clover's like Oh there's a moth And then come back To the press Yeah Yeah She'd love that Okay so who is Who is Fenton talking Or what is Fenton doing To discover more about him?

Yeah About their patron So what happened last time Is you talked to Doris At Shitty Food The lunch lady And she said that In like the upper levels Of the food court The Burger King's Activities is butting Against the activities Of Orange Julius And they're starting To use proxies To assign secret tasks To like fuck with each other So she was like If you want to know more You have to Talk to someone Who's like Closer to the food court Who's higher up So I don't know Who that would be It is a Higher level gang Of sweet drink Dealers Called the Nog Hogs That is the Unless you want to Come up with a different gang No that's pretty funny I like them I love it So it's the Nog Hogs And they work like The theater district Oh cool Which is called Silk Curtain Row So that is where Fenton could get More information Okay Yeah I go there Okay So should we Start with rolling To figure out how much He's going to learn I guess I would be Using sway Because I'm Trying to manipulate Them into helping me Yeah Yeah Four So what does it say On the Downtime sheet I resent that you're Making us read this Hey you guys Gotta learn We're all learning together It's not like Dungeon World I can't just Put you guys on a leash And walk you through it For any downtime Roll to the roll If you get help From a friend Cunt It literally just says You get a plus one If someone helps you That's all it says I don't know where to look Give me this fucking sheet Jesus god Please help me What did you roll Four So you get two More Things on your Sick Yeah Which puts you About halfway I think More if I Ooh So you go to Silk Curtain Row Which is a nice Dimly lit Long corridor In a distant part Of the mall Where it's mostly theaters Fenton knows this place well Because this is where he comes To indulge his vice And in a shadowy corner There's a small stand And it is Being run By a very lean Hawkish looking man What does this guy look like He looks like Will Forte's Character from I Think You Should Leave So like Old man Bald Really long hair In like He's got a waistcoat And a vest on So it's like Really fancy clothes But like So gross looking Yeah totally Yeah And he's got a big Cauldron Of a bubbling Creamy liquid That he's stirring What He's just cracking eggs Into it Works with the Nog hog Oh the nog Yeah he's cracking eggs Putting some spices Grating some weird Little nut over it And we're in like A weird dark alley Yeah Yeah you turn a corner And you're like Ugh Yeah What the hell So he's Stirring this cauldron And goes Hey there kid Well no I'm not a kid right now Oh I'm sitting on Franklin's shoulders Oh my god And I am Mr.

Gilbert No What can I do for you Sure I heard you might have Some information About A proxy war That's going on Between The The What was it Uh The Oh between The burger Burger The burger king And orange Julius And he drops his ladle In the pot And he He jolts forward And he grabs you By the lapel And he pulls you And he says Lower your voice And he just Grabs him off His shoulders And Franklin has to Take two steps forward To get under me Yeah It's like in Snow White When uh When When Dopey gets on top Of the other dorm's shoulders And is flopping around Yeah Lower your voice Do you want to get yourself killed You can't say those names out loud Smooth Jeffrey Knows a thing or two You're Smooth Jeffrey Smooth Jeffrey Okay What do you know And I'll get out of here And I won't say those names anymore All I know is that Some of the younger members Of the Nog Hogs Got pulled into some sort of What do What do Well what they do is Somebody usually shows up Some secretive type drops off a note Sends young Men and women off to their deaths How does the note do that It has instructions on it That forces them to kill themselves No it's usually You understand I need you to explain it a little bit more So it's usually like Hey I need you to go rough someone up Or I need you to go take this part This piece of territory Just start messing things up And we've lost more than a few hogs In our day Uh Why You think you're getting tied up In something like this I have a feeling We might be getting some secret notes That are similar to your secret notes If you knew what was good for you You'd steer clear of those notes Do you have one of them Can I see I really shouldn't And I take out I want to give him money To give it to me Ooh Uh okay yeah So that would be a Fortune roll Oh okay Yeah In terms of bribing people I have a fortune for you Right here And I drop it on the ground Uh huh You hear a bunch of coins tingling Yeah On the ground Do you want to roll another one One Does not go well Uh He Says I'll tell you this You don't want any part of this Proxy war Steer clear Don't follow the instructions Of any of these notes If you want to keep your skin Where it is Okay Here we go We're leaving now I announced that really loud Oh Yeah What do you mean we're I Am leaving Now You got other people in the shadows And we shuffle around the corner And then a couple seconds later We shuffle back And I'm wearing a headband And boxing gloves Oh no And then from far away Like in the shadows Like behind the mist I'm like Yeah We were here This whole time And I lift my boxing gloves And I'm like You don't Follow these kids If you know what's good for you Who are you?

Toblerone Jones Oh I've heard I've heard Telephone Of a Toblerone Jones I'm the toughest skid mark In this side Yep Finish it On this side Of the water park Oh I don't want no trouble sir I'm just I'm just a humble hog Trying to sling me nog And then And then you hear Alright Alright Back up now Back up And then the figure goes Clip Clip Clip Clip Backwards Wow Incredible Alright so you filled in Two slices Of your long term project pie Sick Getting close And you get You get another Downtime action This one I'm not acting out Um Oh maybe I train Yeah Yeah Yeah you can train And just get experience Yeah I train What are you training?

Resolve? So what does this look like?

I guess it's just like Me Trying to learn to make More direct eye contact With people So I'm I'm I'm going through The food court And I'm making Really awesome eye contact Like not blinking And being like Good day to you sir Good day to you ma'am Hello small child Welcome to the food court Everybody And that's Ten minutes Okay I am done Great So yeah you get two experience And resolve Cool Tight Okay So we will go to Clover Ivy Fern Hey I want to train In the People's team Mmhmm What's the one That you guys always Have to use to like Oh sway Yeah To lie to people Yeah So you'd be training In resolve So it's the same thing You get two Checks in the resolve column And then when that fills out You get another dot Oh Yeah But train is like Pretty sick Yeah Cause you can just be like I want experience Totally Yeah I'm jealous That you guys get to do All the people things What people things?

Like when you guys are like Oh Believe us Cause we have Oh yeah Cause we're good at lies I mean you can tell I Jessica I'm devoid of these skills It's pretty funny that Ivy's social Tactic is always Fuck you Yeah And then throw a powder In their face It's fuck you or Don't I kinda know you From somewhere?

Yeah That like Regina George thing Of like kind of talk to them But you're insulting them The whole time Yeah flip your ponytail Back and forth Like I don't even Like I don't even know you I don't even hate your scrunchie It's great Yeah I've never noticed you before And that is the end Of the downtime activities I've been your game master Sean O'Hara Playing Fenton Beasley The Slide Abdul Aziz So long Playing Clover Ivy Fern The Leech Jessica Tai Goodnight Playing Franklin Stein The Cutter Paul Oppers See you later Thanks to our patrons For listening And for supporting And we'll see you next time And so ends the tale Of the cruel tree Of the cruel tree Of the cruel tree Where we treat kids Always up to no good So tiny and greedy And angsty they be As they navigate crime And puberty And though our journey May be like a conclusion We will not leave you Without a resolution Return next week To the chocolate store As the cruel tree Kids plan their next score And for you I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more I'll gladly spout more G is the casual that has the mainstream movies, Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems, and Boof is the cellar goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper.

Messiah Jones says, Such a fan of this podcast. I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry. G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes, and Simon can be a real curmudgeon. But the three work together well enough to keep the flow and make a good product. Serenity Indeed says, Love this podcast so far, but the audio is all over the place. It goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle.

Every time somebody stops talking for even half a second, their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again. It's very distracting. Edit, this audio issue was with my laptop. Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms. Yomp!

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corn dog addiction Benton's the sly, she sleeps the same And writes vampire fan fiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome everybody to Spout More Mall Brats I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara Joining me as always playing Franklin Stein The cutter, Paul Operman Playing Clover, Ivy Fern, The Leech, Jessica Tai And playing Fenton Beasley, The Slide, Abdul Aziz What have the Cooltree kids been up to Non-downtime wise What have your day-to-days been like?

Anything interesting? Franklin found a red headband Bandana, like Raphael style And he cut holes in it And then he rolls it up and he's like I'm wearing it down As an alias He goes by Tux So he wears it every day, all the time As a mask? Yeah, he rolls it down when he's gonna be in alias mode Oh my god This is a new character he's working on?

Yeah, he's working on a new character Called Tux That's when he ties his coveralls around his waist With his little tuxedo crop top Oh my god Like tuxedo Yeah, like tuxedo Like tuxedo mask From Sailor Moon Yeah, yeah, yeah moon it sounds like you're a vigilante or you're getting to be there yeah he he offered last session to hire himself out as like for higher muscle yeah so so what's uh what's clover been up to non-downtime wise any any fun developments oh she writes it in her diary a lot lately lately more so than normal yeah and she already writes in it every day but right now it's been like long entries I wonder what that's about oh shameless duh yeah totally party but mostly shameless how she feel about the party that was pretty embarrassing I imagine it was embarrassing because she wanted to look hot and and it didn't really work out in her favor so she's just like planning other outfits and like writing alternate like endings to the party writing alternate endings to the party can we get one can we get clover like muttering her story over her she's writing fan fiction for her own life yeah fucking crazy you hold on walk over to the hot dog the the corn dog cart and my dress is glittering my hair is glittering my eyelids are glittering because of all the glitter I put on it and I look so silky and soft and my lips I put on my best chapstick cherry flavor and she was like you look so kissable right now like I might be kissable right now and she was like do you think you're free later for a kiss I'm like yeah I think so but I don't want to look too eager so I'm like well meet me out on the balcony at midnight under the night of the of the moon full moon it's not raining which leads me to believe that it has rained at some point in the mall oh yeah there's internal weather and it was raining but it's foggy right now and in the fog the moon is hiding and I think oh no shammus hasn't shown up but then the fog it splits open like a cloud and the moon shines and shines its light down on me and I glitter like a beautiful mermaid and then behind me shammus opens the door and he's like you are so beautiful you are so beautiful My breath is taken away.

Come kiss me now. And I pucker up. And Seamus puckers up. And our lips. They meet. And I taste his chapstick. And it tastes like mint. And cherries also. And corn dogs. And then we kiss for 30 whole seconds. Whoa, he didn't come to play. He puts his hand on my hip. Oh my god. No, not in my hip. My shoulder. And then he puts his other hand on my other shoulder. And then I put my hands on his shoulder. And then we… He looks into my eyes and he's like, You're the one for me. I love you so much.

And I say, I love you too. I've always loved you. And he's like, I've always loved you. Free hot dogs for life. Wow. That's the name of the story. It's free hot dogs for life. Yeah. That was stupid. Are you kidding? Are you so fucking funny? What's Fenton been up to? I found a giant pile of Turkish delight in a dumpster. I've been working my way through it. Ah, Beasley's delight. And every day you come into the lair, which Jessica came up with a good name for it. Oh. The Sugar Shack.

Oh, the Sugar Shack. Oh, the Sugar Shack. Good name. You came up with that. I forgot. Yeah. Good name. So yeah, she came up with the name The Sugar Shack for you. The Sugar Shack for you. The Sugar Shack for you. The Sugar Shack for you. The Sugar Shack for you. The Sugar Shack for you. The Sugar Shack for you. So every day Fenton's coming into the Sugar Shack with handfuls of Turkish delight. I swear to God, we should be selling this stuff. We're going to sell it.

We got to sell it fast because it is disappearing. Frankly. I thought he had a cocaine problem for the first. Because of all the powdered sugar on his face. He's showing up with powder over his face. And Franklin and Clover hate. They're like, this is shit. Like, this is shit. Nobody really likes Turkish delight. Are you kidding me? Have you had really good Turkish delight? No. Ooh. I'm going to try and make you have it. So I guess that's where we cut to now. We cut to the Sugar Shack.

The Cool Treat kids are all present and accounted for? Hell yeah. Yeah, we're all here. And what's everybody up to in the lair? I guess I'm on my rocking horse. Oh, right. Yeah. The one you drag out in the middle of the room when you need to think. When I'm doing my, I'm on my thinking horse. Yeah. Creep, creep, creep, creep. He's on the fucking horse again. Creep, creep. It's been a hard week. Creep, creep. He's not thinking. He's not thinking this time.

He's kind of just like trying to burn off the extra energy from all the Turkish delight. And actually, he's going really far back and forth. And Franklin and Clover are watching him. It's actually a fun thing they're doing where it's like he's going like all the way back before it tips and then all the way forward till he's like almost horizontal. And they're just seeing how long he could keep going without totally bailing. Franklin keeps like going to get up. They're like, oh, okay.

I really thought he was going to go that time. Yeah. There's a pillow that I was sitting on that I'm like edging further. And I'm like, Ben, can you just like blink once in a while? I am so jacked up by this Turkish delight. And as you're all just sitting around near your Turkish delight pile, you hear a noise. You're a snuffling. I flip. A scrabbling. You just fall off. And if you are you going over to the pile? Yeah. As you get closer to your little pile of Turkish delight, there's a noise.

I kick it. You kick it and you hear. And you look behind and there's this hunched little potato looking creature. It looks like these things that you've seen around the mall once in a while. You've heard stories about them, but it's covered in powdered sugar and chocolate. And it has like bits of candy stuck in its weird bristly hairs all over its body. And it's like. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. It's knob goblins. Yeah, it's a knob goblin. Oh, shit. We've got knob goblins.

And it's like shoveling Turkish delight into its mouth. And it's got this big saggy mouth. And this is like. But if you look a little closer around its neck, it has a little rope with a tiny little tube. You see C.T.K. Carved on it. I get it. I get it. Who could that be? Or it's. Country kids. Oh, yeah. Who the hell is Cutik? Cutik. Cutik. The Kotakibi. Cutik, come get your goddamn hob noblins. I grab a reusable grocery bag from my stash. And I try to catch the hob goblins. Yeah. Knob goblins.

Knob goblins. Knob goblins. No, wait. Hob noblins. Oh, yeah. They're hob noblins. I'm saying knob goblins. Which is, I think, a thing for sex stuff. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's. They're not knob goblins. They're hob goblins. Hob noblins. Hob goblins. What's the fucking difference? A knob gobbler gobbles knobs. A hob goblin hobbles knobs. No, no, no, no, no, no. A hob goblin is a real thing. Yeah. So, a hob noblin. Hob noblin is a. Gremlin. Is a gremlin that eats candy. They used to be elves.

And then they got a will of their own. It's a hob noblin. So, they're like pests, basically. I can't tell the difference. You need it. And then, gobl noblin. Nob goblin is somebody that sucks a lot of dick. Yeah. A knob goblin. Yeah. Because you're gobblin knob. Yeah. Goblin knob. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I can't believe you've never heard that before. I've never heard that. Jessica's very pure of heart. I'm so pure. Yeah. And then. Nob goblin. What's the other one?

Hob noblin is the elf turned hob noblin because they ate so much candy and got a will of their own. Yeah. They steal cookies. Yeah. Absolutely true. Yeah. It's a curse. Yeah. It's not good. Yeah. Elves in the mall. If you talk to them. Which you never have and maybe never will. Like look on them with total fear. Uh-huh. Abject terror. What about disrespect too? Oh, yeah. They hate them too. They're like disgusting monster animals. So, yeah. Somebody's trying to grab it. Yeah. Just. Or Clover.

Clover's going to try and grab it. Probably grab it. What do we think this is? Finesse maybe? No. This is skirmish. You're trying to like grab it. Well, yeah. I'm trying to catch in the reusable shopping bag. What do I roll? Roll whatever your skirmish attribute is. I have zero of them. Oh, shit. I'd say somebody. I'd say a tougher. Like somebody with. I've got two. Okay. Yeah. So, we can do it like that. Get the bag. Yeah. So, you can like. Get it. You do it. Six. On a six. You do it. Yes.

So, Franklin just jumps on the hobnoblin and puts it in a reusable shopping bag. Yeah. And it's just doing that. You can hear its nails scrabbling around in there. Yeah. Yeah. Tie the top. Yeah. Tie the handles together. You got it tied up. Things still on him though. So, we got to get it off somehow. Things still on him. But I'd say you got. You know, you made the roll. So, I'm not going to make you make a bunch of rolls for every single thing. What? What about we crush up a little.

Forget me, Pop. Oh, good idea. Oh, smart. Actually, I'm just going to drop the whole thing in. Oh, yeah. He'll not. He'll gobble that for sure. He's gobbling it right now. Yeah. You can hear the like instant crunching sounds as it eats it in two bites like the Tootsie Pop owl. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A few moments later. Snore. Fully asleep. The bag stops rustling. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

You open the bag after it falls asleep and you know what? It almost looks. No, it doesn't. No, it's horrible. It's disgusting. Hideous. Uncork the thing. Pull out a tiny letter. What does it say? The tiny letter says, your operations through the Hubberstone twins are in danger. Secure your territory. Well, that's from our patron, right? Oh, yeah. This is like very similar to different ways that your patron has contacted you in the past. It's like Inspector Gadget. Like they pop up in weird ways.

Stuff will come out of vents. Fun. Apparently stuff will be attached to hobnoblins every once in a while like a roller skate will roll into the room with a note on it. Yeah, right. It's just like, who's fucking doing this? Yeah, that's how we got that job. I almost died on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Waterpark job is the job I almost died on. The job that Fenton almost died on? Yeah.

I got stuck in the wave pool and then Franklin had to jump in and save me. The waves went crazy. Another wave? This is the score is you securing your turf in the mercantile district as the primary sellers of candy. So, what you know is it's the mercantile district because you've worked there before. It is a lot of quote unquote high. High-class living places, which basically just mean apartments with more than one room, and high-end stores.

But there are a lot of young, affluent children that are also there. So for candy sellers such as yourselves, it is the perfect location. And your claim is currently contested by a gang of higher-level but still low-level candy sellers called the Pixie Sticks. Are they rich kids? Yeah, they're the rich kids that hand out really highly processed sugars. Are they also fashion models? Yeah, they're like the mean girls. Yeah. Totally. Yeah, absolutely.

I like the idea that we're going to fuck up some rich kids. Yeah. So yeah, that's the situation is you need to find a way to disrupt the operations of the Pixie Sticks to ensure that the claim remains yours. And also in the mercantile district of the mall, it's all the best fucking playgrounds. Yeah, that is something to consider. Yeah, they have actual equipment. Yeah. Instead of what? What are the playgrounds? Spoken. Spoken like a true pork. Yeah. I know. You don't. Not just tubes.

Not just concrete tubes. Yeah. You have to reconstruction waste. So many tires. Like it's just everything is just tires. It's so many tires. The swings are tires. The slide was probably a tire. The ground is just shredded tires. Yeah. If you grew up near a playground that was more than 50% tires, you grew up poor. True story. I spent. The entirety of my first grade at recess playing in a tube of tires where I harvested dad balls and raised them. Yeah. Amazing. Jessica was a frog rancher. Wow.

So cute. Little swamp kid frog rancher. Yeah. Wow. These fucking playgrounds have slides. Yeah. And swings. Oh my God. Yeah. Real wood. Monkey bars. There's a. Teeter totters. Yeah. And there's a tram in this part of the mall. It's really nice. There are fireman poles vertical. Oh my God. Not just kicking around for you to fight with. Not just loose fireman poles. All their stands in a box. Oh my God. All their stands in a box and not being thrown at you by fucking hobnob legs. Yeah.

I would give it a give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or like Franklin and Fenton have to like sit on the edge while Clover swings and we have to rotate we have to anchor only one at a time only one at a time everyone knows that we've learned that rule the hard way there were four cool treat kids yeah R.I.P.

Devin we were like ooh a moth the other thing is our park has one slide but it's 30 feet high made out of concrete and it's a vertical sheer drop for 25 feet and then it very rapidly ramps flat what you're describing is a load bearing pillar we call it the slide though yeah oh boy it hurts though it's fun yeah you get a concussion basically every time that's based on a real slide that I had in the Middle East yeah so that's the score is your patron has asked you to secure your territory against the pixie sticks and it is up to you how you do that so how do we think the cool treat kids would go about this job why don't we make them unpopular actually trying to make them unpopular would be a really fun idea we're having this conversation on the edge of a playground as we watch them operate we're sitting at the top of the slide yeah we're sitting at the top of their slide which is a good slide and there's like a huge lineup of kids down the slide and we have to have our conversation with all these kids screaming at us to go oh because they're popular kids though so they're trying to be polite yeah because their parents are rich and they've taught to they've been taught to just be cold yeah and we are not picking up on it so every once in a while you have like the 11 year old version of a Karen like were you thinking of going today and we're like yeah yeah yeah we're just having a conversation just wait another like 10 minutes or something oh my god okay what if we gave them all like crazy diarrhea and they shit their pants in front of everyone I mean making them unpopular favorite mean girl style making them unpopular could be a slow burn like this could be a job that actually it's a montage of things that take several days where it's like I like that you're ingratiating yourself several days later you're having lunch with them at whatever you replace the queen bee yeah oh a sleepover scene oh my god oh yeah you're you could be our inside person over all right so you guys are gonna like make me over so I can fit in I think that's the first step is we do a makeover for you to make you look popular and not scary like you what what's wrong with how I look nothing you look great you just have an intense energy about you what's so intense it's big fella she's down hold him down she's holding two knives yeah yeah yeah!

If she is an extra large men's I think that's my size okay gonna do really well and I think this social connection we could use is maybe the Humberstone twins yeah yeah your social connection could totally be the Humberstone twins and if you talk to Tana she might know more about the pixie sticks as well so maybe step one is to talk to Tana and Jason yeah so where do you guys meet them maybe there's like an open courtyard in the fancy part of the mall oh yeah there definitely is okay yeah let's just go ahead and talk to Tana and Jason hang out there it's gotta it's you guys are astounded when you see this courtyard cuz it's got a skylight and it doesn't have a bunch of makeshift apartments hanging from underneath it so you can actually see the light coming through whoa yeah you might actually like clouds yeah we haven't outside clouds outside cloud it's not it I was outside we haven't been outside the Mall in months and a while yeah anyway I'm gonna give kombucha and I'll come back okay yeah I give you the kombucha I give you the kombucha I give kombucha I give you the kombucha I give you the kombucha I give you the kombucha I give you the What does the courtyard look like?

The courtyard is pretty nice and airy. Think of like a classic 80s movie mall courtyard. There's a fountain in the middle. There are people sitting along the edge of the fountain, sharing food and talking and chatting. There are parents with their kids pushing strollers. All around the edge of the courtyard, there's various food and wear stalls. And there's somebody like playing accordion. It's beautiful. Yeah. Playing some sort of romantic music. I'm going to go look at the accordion guy.

He's an adult, but like an old adult. I bet he's like 35, but we think he's like 50 or 50. Yeah. And I turned to Franklin after Clover walks away, and I'm like, I'm going to go make that old man feel better about himself. He's probably going to die soon. He's pretty pudgy. He has a black mustache that's been waxed down into two points, and then a goatee that's also waxed down into two points. So there's four points. And they're all black. They're all black.

They're all blunt because he snipped them to be the same length. Okay. And he's playing the accordion. As I'm on my way, I fish into the fountain and grab a bunch of coins. And then I waddle over to his little station, and I drop a bunch of wet change into his open case. And he stops. And I'm like, you are relevant. Little boy, I don't think you're supposed to reach inside the fountain and take the coins from inside. It's community change. No.

That is a cultural practice that determines good luck. We don't do that kind of thing around here. I don't know what from dark, dusty corner of mall you come from, but I come from a place where we respect tradition. I respect your traditions. Play me a bit of that accordion. What would you like to hear? Can you play the theme song from Long Tree Hill? Okay. Okay. Oh, that was really good. And Clover's back. Sipping on a booch. You all kids seem dirty. Where from you come?

We recently returned from boat camp. Boat camp. That's why we look so ragged. Yeah, because the boat was really muddy. Is it mud boat? Boat camp is what? Is camp for boat or camp on boat? On boat. But also for, like, people bring their boats, they watch the boats, and then they need kids to go on the boats. So purpose of camp is to camp or purpose of camp is boat? Is purpose to look at boat or purpose to camp on boat? You know what?

You sure ask a lot of questions for a man with a weird mustache. I will have you know my mustache is family tradition. All men and some women in my family have such facial hair for a century. For a century? No, for many centuries. Oh, you kids, I do not like you. I do not think. What's your name? My name is Lomon. Okay, well, we're here to meet our friends Tana and Jason Hubberstone. Oh, the Hubberstone twin. And he does a little flourish on his accordion. He goes, I know them well.

They tip nice. They good kid. Do you know where they are? Where we can find them? Oh, they always love to be at Come Play a Game Arcade. Arcade is called Come Play a Game. Has picture of scary clown on sign. Wow. They spend much time there. Oh, so that one over there? Yes, that one. I should have point. Okay. You can see the sign a little bit further down one of the corridors. And you can see the clown like the mouth is mechanical and it opens and closes every time it gets the maximum open.

It's like, and he says that these were twins will be. Okay. Thank you, Mr. Man. Okay, no probe. Hey, you probably should leave this part of Mosul and security becomes suspicious because you're so dirty. Goodbye, children. We should probably take a bath next time we come. Sorry. No. No bathing in the fountain. Is it too late? That's what I was gonna say. Is it too late? They high five. Yeah. And then dive into the fountain. Yeah. And we're like, okay, do you want to come to the fountain with us?

No, I just know I'm good. Okay. Beaten his clothes up against the side of it. Like just an old person from the South. Yeah, just like it looks like you're starting to draw some attention. Your activities in this part of the mall have been noticed by the wealthy, but you're able to clean yourselves up a little bit. Clover, you could look a lot worse to be fair. Yeah, I just like, turn my shirt inside out. Yeah, doesn't do any dirtier on the inside. Fine. I'll turn it back.

Oh, I already turned this one inside out. Yeah. And you can go to come play game the arcade. Okay. Yeah, we go in there. Yeah. Inside lots of ringing bells and horns and stuff as kids are playing different kinds of ball games, coin games, betting games, ring toss. There's one that's seems to be dropping a piece of meat in a hole and making sure a dog eats it. Oh, in the weiner drop. I love that game. Seamus likes it too. Are you hoping that Seamus is by the weiner drop?

Yeah, I'm looking around, but I don't see him. Yeah, he doesn't seem to be in this part. They supply the meat for the weiner drop game. Yeah, they do. Much higher up. That's outside Seamus' pay grade. And in the corner playing what are the Humberstone twins playing? I was going to say like Dance Dance Revolution. Oh, yeah. It's just, it's two poorer people that are dancing and you're supposed to match their dance moves. Yeah.

And those two, the two that are the Dance Dance Revolutionaries look exhausted and their Humberstone twins look nonplussed. Like they barely want to play. But there they are, Tana and Jason playing Dance for Us. So they're there and they're like, oh, hi. Yeah, oh, hi. What do you want? Hey. What? What? We're dancing. Dancing. Can't you see? Sick moves, bro. Thank you. He does a little spin.

We came because we found out that the pixie sticks are moving in on our territory, which is your territory. I mean, technically we were moving in on their territory. Yeah, but we have to deal with them now. That makes sense. Business sense. He does another spin. It's the same spin as before. It's not as impressive the second time. So what we were wondering was if you could introduce Clover to them and you know, try and like introduce her like she's not so unapproachable.

Yeah, and I'm just like looking around like what? I think I look nice, but I mean. You do look nice. You just have an intense energy about you. I don't know what you mean by that. I, Sean, O'Hara, the game master, am occasionally intimidated by Clover Ivy Fern. So Tana turns to you and goes, so you want me to introduce her to the pixie sticks? Yeah. I don't know. It's a pretty tall order. Well, do you want to keep getting your wine gums? Because we're the only ones who make it.

And if the pixie sticks come, you know, gallivanting into our territory, we're going to be squeezed out. And where are you going to get your supply? Clover says that. And the Hubbardstons are like, you think that we haven't been investigating your wine gums? You think that we're not trying to figure out how to make them on our own? This is a stepping stone for us. Look, you might be able to figure out how to make them on your own, but that's not what being rich is about.

Being rich is about getting poor people to do all the shitty work for you. That's right, Fenton. If you figure out how to make them, then you'll be just as shitty as us. That's right, Fenton. Look at us. You don't want to be like us. So dirty. And I just bat my shirt and all this dirt comes off. A frog jumps out of Franklin's pocket. Clover flips up her shirt so you can see how dirty the inside is. Yeah, and I'm like, look, you stay above us by making us do all this shit.

You don't want to come down to our level. That's right, Fenton. Wow. That's amazing. Okay, yeah, so roll this way. What a fucking… This way to us. Yeah. This argument that I'm making is so self-deprecating. Oh, absolutely. Sucks. Dealing with rich kids sucks. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think that since they work for you and you do control the supply of wine gums, you're in a controlled position and it's going to be, like, standard. Okay. Six! Six, you do it. And one three.

Is this fucking anything up? No, no, no, no. Okay. You do it with a six. That's great. It is genuinely that Fenton makes when he gets excited. When he found all that Turkish delight, he was like, he made that noise running all the way back to the sugar shack. Franklin heard it. What do you got, buddy? Guys, there's a dumpster full of Turkish delight behind Mike's meat! So the Humberstone… You know what? You knew exactly what I was going to say to these two rich shitheads.

I'm like, oh my god, you're right. We never want to be like you if we can avoid it. When they say if we can avoid it, I sniff real deep and then hork up a huge piece of fucking flip. And I try and spit, but it sticks to my lip and it all drips down. Really slow. Like fucking Mulan. Trying to be masculine. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. Was that cool? And they go… That's right. Just don't ever do that again. Not even to us. Just like in your life. Just never do it. Ever.

I don't want to live in a world where I know you're doing that sometimes. But we'll help you. Alright, let's go. Do the thing. What you're going to need is a makeover. Cut to… Perfect song. Looking out a dirty old window We see a dirtier little girl Clover Ivy fur And she's trying on clothes that are pretty nice They turn on the shower And I have to wash my hair And I hate all the shampoo and other things She's trying… It's like a cat. A cat in the tub.

She's holding her arms against the wall. Nothing is organic. I hate all the conditioners. We're pushing her so hard to get her into the shower. All four of us. Arms and legs straining against the edge of the tub. She's stronger than she looks. She's trying to stab us. And then it's the shot of her with her hair totally wet. When it's wet, it's way longer than it looks like it would be. Down to her knees. And then cut to the scene in Mulan when she's getting ready for the matchmaker.

Do do do Do do do Do do do do Up and down Brush her teeth If we don't, she won't do it herself. Yeah, that's something that we had to tell the Humberstone twins is we only… We brush… Clover's teeth while she sleeps. We sleep it. Because she… We have a very soft toothbrush. Very mild toothpaste. She refuses to do it otherwise. Well, since I don't want all the fluoride, so like… Yeah. Oh, man.

I thought you were going to say because I don't want to lose all the good stuff that I save in there. Yeah, and we have to… We put fluoride in there, like shake her head really gently, and then she just walks around all the time thinking like, look guys, I don't brush my teeth and I don't use fluoride and my teeth are perfect. We have to like fucking agree with her because we don't want to… Yeah. We're the ones taking care of you. I brush my teeth with like lemon peels. Like that's enough.

You chew a clove once a month, but it's a clove of garlic. It's all the acid, right? It's really… It's kind of acidic. It's got a sticky… It's got everything the body needs. Yeah, so now this is the Mulan part where she's getting dressed. So what is she… What does Tana Humberstone dress her in? So she dresses her in pink leotards. Yeah. Yeah. Thick socks. Uh-huh. Little pink sneakers. Uh-huh. Lots of fake pearls. And my… They put my hair in a really high ponytail. Uh-huh.

Yeah, straightened first. And they strained it so long. Yeah. And whipping around. Wow. So you look like Suzanne Somers, but with pearls on? Kind of, yeah. That's what it sounds like in my head. Oh. And then so is this like… Suzanne Somers workout video. Suzanne Somers. Can I pick a different outfit? Totally. So this is what it is. It's that outfit. And you come out and Fenton and Franklin see it and they shake their heads. And we go back into the chain.

And as soon as you go back in, we start laughing hysterically. And you come out in outfit number two, which is… Okay. Outfit number two is lightning bolt theme. Well, now hold on. It's a yellow shirt. Okay. It's a yellow shirt. It's a yellow shirt. Whoa, hold on. Yellow shirt with a zigzag cutout in the back that's lined with a yellow shirt. It's lined with mesh. And then it's black leggings, but the ones with the strap that go around your heel so that they don't like hike up.

And then tall white boots with yellow stripes. Okay. And I come out… Oh, wait. My hair still in the high ponytail. What do you think? Eh. It's… You look too cool. Too cool? That's what I thought. And you have a big lightning bolt across your face like David Bowie. Yeah. It's a little much. Yeah. I want to see him approach me. Approachable. So that's not a good idea. All right. Let's do it again. Okay. And then… Back into the change room. Come out. Outfit number three. All right.

Outfit number three. My hair is in a low… No, it's in a high ponytail still. It was because they tried to put it in a low ponytail, but it had that like kink in the hair. Uh-huh. So they just like put in a big scrunchie. They put a choker on and pink top, but black polka dots. Ooh. And then black like kind of frilly skirt. And short frilly socks. Mm-hmm. With little shiny tap shoes. Not tap shoes, but you know those like the ones that look like tap shoes. Yeah. Yeah. I come out.

What do you guys think? Dang. I like your earrings. Thank you. Very cool. They look real, don't they? They do. Mm. And when she comes out, this song plays. Fenton and Franklin slowly stand up. I do a slow turn. Woo! That's the one! Yeah. Lomond is playing this on the accordion. Why is he here? He's just there. He says, He's me. I something, something, tiring, ring, ring. Behind the green, green grass. Sing, sing. Is there more to this song? I can't remember the words.

It's not written in my language. Oh, kiss me. Wow. And Tana's like, All right, Lomond, you can go now. And she, she, she, ting! Flips him a coin. He snatches it out of the air and says, Thank you very much. You hubbards don't win. So nice. Goodbye. And he disappears. All right. I think I'm ready. Cut to the food court. Is there a fancy food court? Oh, yeah. You guys can go to the fancy food court. Oh, yeah. And as far as you can tell, it's called fancy food court. Yes, it's called.

That's all you know is that it's the fancy food court. People come and bring you your food. Oh, my God. And all the tables have cloth coverings. Yeah. And all of it costs money. Yeah, it's all money. There's no free food here. None. And it's all. It's so fancy. It all tastes good, but some of it tastes bad. And that seems to be the point. Yeah. Wag-wa. Those are the more expensive ones, too. Yeah. And more popular. We're like, ooh, truffles. Not our kind of truffles.

I just realized that fancy food court is just a restaurant. Yeah. It's really small. Yeah. And it's almost totally enclosed. There's walls on all sides and a door that only goes into the food court. What are we doing? You're approaching the pixie sticks for the first time. Okay. What are the pixie sticks doing? They're at a table and they're all sharing a plate. They're all sharing a plate of small fries and talking about stuff.

So there are, according to Tana and Jason, there are three pixie sticks that are like the main group. There is Kessarin Ropes, who, as you understand it, is the niece of Rick Ropes of Rick's Ropes. Okay. So she's got some sort of cachet in the mall. She's like the queen bee. Her right hand is Naria Vaughn. Don't know what her deal is, but she's kind of like the pretty one, but she gets shit on constantly. By Kessarin. And the muscle is Helen's upsmoosh. Who is that? Holy fucking shit.

That's how Franklin reacts when he sees her. He slowly takes off his coveralls and ties it around his waist. Yeah. Revealing the crop top tuxedo. Yeah. She's stocky. Like it looks like she bench presses and she's like 11 years old. She can't be a pixie stick if she's like that. They keep her around because it said that she beat up a 13 year old one time. She's their muscle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Helen upsmoosh. Hell. Sorry. Hell's upsmoosh. And she actually might be from your part of the mall.

That's the rumor. Yeah. She looks familiar. Yeah. Okay, guys, what am I supposed to do? Uh, yeah. Shouldn't Tana introduce you? I guess so. Do we have a character? Are you going to be you? Should I say my name is Evie? Yeah. Oh, I like it. So yeah. So what, what, so, uh, Tana is going to introduce you to the pixie sticks. And what is your like goal out of this first interaction? I want them to, to be intrigued by me. Like I want them to want to know more about me, but in a good way.

And Franklin and I are going to do backup, but we're going to pretend to be maitre d's. Okay. Also, we're like bus boys. Probably. Yeah. Jason got us bus boys outfit. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, this doesn't look anything like a bus. This looks like pants and a shirt and an apron. This is stupid. I was looking forward to dressing like a bus to, to, I'm a little bus boy. Great. Uh, so Tana is going to introduce you and she walks you up to their table and says, hi girls.

And they all turn around like, Hmm. Hi. Uh, and she says, this is, uh, my friend Evie. And we're just going to join you for lunch if that's okay. And the one that you take to be Kessler and ropes, who's like very severe looking and has like short platinum blonde hair. It's like, I guess it's okay. We're just about done though. Oh, that's fine. I already ate anyway. Oh, did you, what did you eat? Nothing. Holy shit. I think that's going to be a, um, fortune roll. Two, two. Oh, um, not so good.

So Kessler and goes at, well, maybe you should have a fry. It looks like you're going to fall over. And the other girls, like titter and hell's like, huh? Well, if you insist, I suppose one will be plenty enough for me. Tana, why do you bring this girl to us? Tana's like, she's just new to this part of the mall. She's looking for friends. And I understand that you could use a little bit of help in the, uh, wink, wink, candy department. I don't know what you're talking about.

I have no such dealings and interactions, in that aspect of mall life. Cut to Franklin and Fenton. What are you guys doing? We're spraying each other with the, uh, dishwashing. We, we got distracted as soon as we went into the kitchen. He has a big beard of bubbles. At what point do you guys realize that Clover's out there? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just realized that Clovers out there by herself.

As soon as we cut to us, cause we turned to be like Clover, Franklin's got a big, oh shit. Oh right. Yeah. You can see them like through into the back kitchen of one of the food places just hosing each other. Oh my God. Oh fuck. No. What do I do? Um, yeah, I mean no big deal.

I took a walk around this part of the mall earlier today and I had a bit of like the candy and I just felt like I was just like, I just felt like I was just like, of like the candy that you guys sell here and it was just like I don't know wasn't that interesting you know like just kind of boring super like on par with stuff you'd find at like the other side of the mall probably I imagine you know stuff that I found in like bulk bins and like you know just like strip malls you know like outlet malls outlet malls give me another fortune roll because you don't have any sway right yeah three wait can we aid you can aid yeah yeah the aid action is you guys uh you want you each take I think one stress and you add a die or two stress so what was the second die uh five oh that's way better yeah okay cool so it is this sort of thing where she's starting to listen like outlet mall I don't think so you!

Well I know so because I've unfortunately had the misfortune of having to have stuff from outlet malls when like you know the higher end stuff was like out of stock and my god like it could be basically the same thing what makes you such an expert on candy I know my candy and at this point in time franklin and I come up to the table we're we're in our mr gilbert outfit but paul has done me up with so bubbles soap suds yeah to give me like a big beard and like a colonel sanders wig kind of to make me look really old yeah and uh we teeter up and I'm like my word is that evie please don't approach me apologies for my interruption of your lunch my dear but I just wanted to say your performance in the finals of the taste test competition was absolutely outstanding.

I was one of the judges. Oh, well, thank you. I mean, I appreciate the compliment, but I am, of course, with friends, and so… Certainly a palate like yours, this world, I don't believe, has ever been seen before. No one quite, you know, tastes things as well as you do. Very kind, and I would love to talk further, but not while I'm off the clock. All right, well, I think I've taken up enough of your time. Goodbye. Yes, thank you. And we teeter away. It's just incredible.

So this, if they even were two years older than they are, would be like, who the fuck is this weirdo with the soap face? I don't get it. But Kessarin is like, okay, so it sounds like you maybe know your stuff. Yeah, I know a thing or two, but, you know, whatever. You got a palate, huh? I've been told, yes. Hmm. Interesting. So what do you do around the mall?

Well, I don't like to brag, but I'm a professional taste tester, and I help various chefs, and candy makers create new and exciting flavors. That doesn't sound like a thing they would let a little kid do. You would think, but I'm award-winning, so. Hmm. Well, I don't know. Have you heard of, like, the Galaxy Berry? No. What is a galaxy? Maybe I've heard of it, but just remind me.

Oh, it's pretty new and super exclusive, but it's like a blend of berries, but with, like, as if you could taste the night sky, you know what I mean? Like, it's pretty deep, and it's definitely not, like, for everyone, because it kind of, like, you need, like, a more sophisticated palate. No, now that you've said that, I think I have had.

In that moment, a couple tables over, Franklin's sitting on Fenton's shoulders, and he calls over a waiter, and the waiter comes over, like, yes, excuse me, what can I get for you? And he's just like, play it cool. And then he yells, what do you mean you don't have any more Galaxy Berries? This is the finest flavor in all the town. Everybody's gobbling them down. You can taste everything. There's a solar system in your mouth, and a little milky bit at the end there, just cutting it all through.

It's delicious, deep, it goes on forever. It makes me feel like I live forever. It's just driving me crazy. I can't get enough of it. And he's, like, getting angry. Yeah. I do not understand what you mean, sir, about the Galaxy Berry. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ah, okay. All right, please calm down. I want you to get out and get me Galaxy Berry. Ah, very well. I will try and do this thing for you. I want to talk to the manager. I, okay. I mean, the role was already successful.

This has already all been successful. You guys can stop making roles. He's using skirmish to get in a fight with the waiter. Skirmish? No. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, you should fight the waiter. Do it. Yeah. Oh, you're actually going to fight the waiter. Yeah. No, I meant, like, start a tussle. Okay. Over this. All right. This figure looks insane because we're sitting in the chair. So Fenton is sitting, and then Franklin is on his shoulders. So it looks like a man with long ape arms.

Long ape arms. A torso that is easily six and a half feet tall. Yeah. Tiny little fat little Michelin man feet. Michelin man legs that are wearing little sailors shoes. And a tiny tuxedo shirt. And Fenton is just kicking in the trench coat. You could see his legs just, like, working so hard. He's threatening a skirmish to get this guy to go and get the berries. Does that make sense? Yeah, I guess. That's more command than it is. Command. Okay. So what's your command? One. One. Okay.

Roll command. Do it. One. One. I'll take a stress. Take a stress. Four. Four is better. Four is better. We did it. So you see, Ivy, after you hear what is very obviously Franklin doing a voice, are you screaming about galaxy berries? You see Kessarin look over and go, yeah. Well, I guess if you want to meet up with us later and show us a little, do you have any of these galaxy berries? Not on me. Obviously. I'm not going to be able to see from like the kind of outcry it creates.

It's just like hectic and this is always happening. And so I might have to leave. It's just a little bit too much for me. But if you want to get in touch with me, you can talk to, is it Tana? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Just wait for a moment. And she like pulls out a little scrap of paper and writes something on it and slides it across. What's this? It says, if you want to meet me here this weekend, we can maybe talk about working together. Hmm.

I'm going to check my agenda, but I'll let you know. And Fenton, you can see the waiter like scurry away, bluster like, oh, I, oh, and go talk to security and security mall security sees you and starts approaching. What do you do? Oh, I try and bolt and it's fucking hard. You can't see shit. I'm not used to being on the bottom of Mr. Gilbert or Toblerone Jones. Yeah. What's this persona called? Oh, oh, oh. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe.

I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. I give you the robe. So we start. So, yeah, because I'm eight and he's fucking 13 and huge and jacked. I'm desperately. I haven't figured out to peek through the buttons. So I'm like smashing into tables.

And he's giving commands. Thank you, Leon. George doesn't have to take this left, right. Go around the right. Two steps. Two steps. Oh, my God. So this is desperate. There will be a standard effect. And, yeah, I would get. So what are you using to get away? Fuck survey to try and feel the right way out. Would I assist in command? Yeah, you could definitely assist. Yeah. You would just have to tell me what stat you're using. Basically, yelling at me. Yeah, totally. Telling him which way to go.

Okay. Yeah. Go for it. Roll your survey. Now, how are you using survey? I'm feeling with my hands. To just be like, which way is the right way to get? I'll take my two boners and leave. Out of here. I got a two and a three. Roll that fucking aid, man. One. Okay. You could. Let me take a stress. So you take a stress and then you to push yourself or you can accept a devil's bargain. What's the devil's bargain? It would be like you fall over. And.

Franklin slides off of the top of you and Fenton is underneath. And it is the revelation to the mall security that Mr. Gilbert might not be a real person. So that would be the devil's bargain. I'll let you roll again. But they would know that Mr. Gilbert is not what he seems. And that cover will be almost totally blown. Oh, almost totally blown. I can never use Mr. Gilbert again. No, it's that. It'll be a huge risk from here on out. Okay. What do you guys think? This isn't technically Mr.

Gilbert. This is like Leon. Oh, yeah. So we can't use like you, Leon. Okay. So, oh, this would be. Fent. Franklin can never be on top anymore. Boy, I'm not a good bottom anyway. Okay. Fuck. The one one one spectacular. Can I take a stress? Right? I think you can. I think we're all taking stress. Okay. Yeah. You know what? Let's just see what happens. It's late. Okay. One. Wow. Okay. Oh, wow. We all died. Yeah. We're all dead. Okay. So I think Franklin can get away.

I don't think Fenton can get away. You won't leave him. I want to call a flashback. Okay. Yeah. What's the flashback? So I take stress for doing a flashback. Oh, shit. Yeah. Are you actually going to die from stress? No, I don't have any stress yet. So we flashback to. When we were in the kitchen and spraying each other with a hose. And there's this really big muscular dishwasher. And I'm like, hey, what's your name? I am me. Yes. My name is Borbo. Borbon. Borblum. Borbo. Borblum. Borblum.

Borblum. Okay. Fuck. Whatever. Okay. Jeez. Dude. Okay. Look here. We're about to go out there and pull it some risky shit. And it's going to probably go pretty bad. What we need you to do is. If it looks like we fucked everything up so bad, we need you to dress up in security guards outfit and. Oh. Pretend you're security and take us away. Okay. That is a great. That is a great use of flashbacks. That's going to be too stressed for sure. Okay.

So security rushes up and grabs you and says, I've got you now, you little rap scallions. And as security approaches, he's like, he puts his hand out and goes, halt, fellow security.

I give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and give you the charm and Because he's like an adult, basically.

I'm telling you guys. He's like 19. I'm like, get us the fuck out of here. I'm going to pass out. So he's dragging you by your necks. Like, I've got them. And he's yelling back at them the many deeds of the House of Silver Hills. In 1114, my great-great-grandfather took down the giant… Smegma. It was the only thing I could think of. He took down the giant Smegma in a battle that lasted four nights and five days.

And in 1231, my uncle Terry ate a whole rack of ribs, even though he wasn't supposed to. But it was in such a short amount of time that when my family came back, we thought, hey, where'd those ribs go? Terry, no fucking way. We got to get out of here, guys. I'm running out of steam. He's just saying this as he's dragging all of us out. What did you guys think of that character? I mean, it's a little flourishy for a security guard. They're pretty stupid.

I thought the backstory was important, like detail. Yeah, there can be too much detail. Yeah, you had so much. This is more Burr Balboobie Bebe. The last son of the Silver Hills, a knight of his line. Yeah. You should have stopped there. All right, well, I'll take the note. If you guys need anything else, you let me know. That job as a dishwasher is pretty boring. Sure, yeah. If you want anything, anytime, look us up. Cool, cool, cool. Check out the sugar shack. This is a gift for you.

Can I give him a fork? I stole it from in there. Yeah, I can tell. This is from the restaurant. Yeah. Get the hell out of here. Okay, bye. I got to run. Thank you. He hustles down the hall and disappears. I'm 10 feet away. I'm so winded. And we cut back to the sugar shack. Little debrief. All right. I put all my clothes up on a hanger so that they would stay away from all the dirty things. Wow. Genius. We have hangers? What the fuck? Well, I made it. I made it. So we don't.

We might need a few more spoons. So I use them all the time. A spoon. Damn it. Sorry. Okay, so guys, Kester and Ropes, the main girl. She gave me her. Uh, address, I think. And so we're going to meet up on the weekend. And hopefully I will ingratiate myself into their team and eventually take over. Yeah, I think that works. Take over or just make their team look like shit. I mean, doesn't really matter. Yeah. So if we want, we can cut right ahead to the weekend. Yeah.

How are you going to ingratiate yourself further? I guess we'll figure that out. Oh, you need flavor. I do need flavor. Oh, you need berries. Oh, shit. No, where would you guys get galaxy berries or whatever you can pretend a galaxy berry is? Uh, I had a lot of strawberry powder. Mm-hmm. And… I guess if you're trying to ruin their stuff, you could bring something that makes their candy worse. What was that purple shit that you stole? Yeah, I was just going to say the purple mushroom stuff.

Uh-huh. Yeah, what is it? I don't even know, but I'm going to add these two together along with this expired coconut milk. It's… It's… So clunky. The shot cuts to… Yeah. Cuts to a carton of coconut milk that's been in the corner for eight weeks. Oh, and it's like perfectly round. Yeah. Oh, God. I have to make everyone wear like some sort of gas mask on it. Yeah, we have been afraid to approach it. She's looking at it with goggles. Franklin, what year is it? Yeah. Holding it with tongs.

Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So, what are some things… What are you preparing? What are the three of you preparing in here? So, there's like all the contingencies are in place. Yeah. Actually, I look at the Turkish Delight pile and I'm like, you could do something like that, guys. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah. And make like a little Turkish Delight kind of thing. Yeah. See, we're going for the Galaxy Berry, right? Yeah. Yeah. I need the Galaxy Berry. Yeah.

Kessarin wants the Galaxy Berry because now she believes that's like the hot new thing. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. Let's make something that we'll call Galaxy Berries. Out of all this shit. Okay. Do we have to roll? Yeah. What action are you guys using to make it? I guess Tinker. Yeah. Nice. Cool. Since you're in your workshop zone, it's going to be controlled and you will have great effect. All right. We'll see. Oh, five and three. On a five, you do it, but there's a consequence.

There's some flaw where it's like there's something that you'll have to explain. I would like there to be like some sort of psychological or psychedelic effect. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So that's what the thing actually does. Yeah, the mushroom. Yeah. But that's not the flaw, is it? Like that's why it's going to ruin their reputation. But I think it'll be like if they're tasting it, they'll experience those effects right away.

Like they'll start getting freaked out or something and it would be something that Ivy would have to explain. Oh, I see. Oh, no. This is what it's supposed to do. It's opening your mind to the galaxy. Oh, yeah. So if it was great effect, it would just taste good and then they wouldn't notice the effects until way later. Oh, yeah. Okay. And it doesn't taste that good. Like it tastes fine because of the strawberry powder, but the mushroom powder is like really earthy. Totally.

Is there anything that Franklin and Fenton want to set up for Ivy in the next leg of this? How to support her? Yeah. She's going to this girl's house? Mm-hmm. I guess we're going to dress up like gardeners. Okay. There's no gardens in the mall. Oh, my God. What? What if Franklin dressed up like a gardener? I guess I'd dress up as like my boyfriend. Oh. And then… Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I'm talking to Franklin like, okay, so you dress up as my boyfriend. Yeah.

Because, you know, I gotta look cool enough. Like, you know, obviously I have a boyfriend. Totally. You hear Fenton in the bathroom. Yeah. It's just like… What is it? Are you having a bad poop again? Yeah. Just grit your teeth and bear it, bud. Okay. Okay. Okay. What's Ivy's plan for Fenton? He's going to be my butler. Is that okay, Fenton? Yeah, come out of the… I'll go get my cummerbund. So, we cut to ding dong. You have arrived at the house of Kesser and Ropes.

The front of the like walk-up apartment building that's built inside the mall that her family lives in is draped in very fine silken ropes. Yeah. And ropes of all shapes and sizes. Oh, my God. Fenton, are your hands clean? No. Can you clean them really quick? Just licking at them? Yeah. Lick them clean. I stuff them into my mouth. Yeah. I start sucking. It's a very… Okay, we should all do that, actually. It's a very fancy place.

Everybody's just licking their hands on the front door of this rich person's house. Ed McClendon's running his hands through his greasy hair, cleaning them off. And the door opens. Stop it. His hair is like… Madam. Yeah, there's a middle-aged woman at the door like, Oh, you must be Kesserin's friend and guests. Yeah, and you must be her sister. Oh, you. I'm her mother, dear. But I do know that I love… Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Very attractive for my age. Thank you for saying so.

You look attractive for any age, might I add. This is my boyfriend. Yeah, you're hot as fuck. Excuse me. Excuse my butler. He has… He doesn't know when to speak. Oh, I understand. Don't worry. I know all about butlers that don't know how to keep their friggin' mouth shut, no matter how many divorce proceedings might be ongoing at the time. Wow. Wow. That's pretty cool. Thank you for saying so. And you hear inside the house, Mom, no. Mom, no.

And then Kesserin shows up and is like, Mom, get out of here. Get out of here, Mom. And she's like pushing her mom back into the house. It's pretty cute they used to live with your mom. What? You don't? No, I moved out when I, you know, made my fortune. I mean, they check in on me.

On me but like I am on my own you can see her eyes like just contorting like is that cool or is that weird it's pretty nice because I can stay up as late as I want you know what I'm saying oh Kessarin this is my boyfriend hey I'm her boyfriend sometimes we stay up late and do it I'm durst yeah what durst means by do it is we hold hands and sometimes we kiss on the mouth what's up I'm durst you guys gotta roll a sway someone's gotta lead a sway the butler can lead a sway if you need to neither of us have anything in sway so what's Fenton doing to reinforce this lie is he leads this sway oh yeah cause he is kind of a fancy boy so he kind of knows how to talk the talk remember yeah totally so yeah he thinks back to all the butlers that would come out of his mom's bedroom late at night what a shitty life this kid had and he he stands up like really straight and like puffs his chest out and like puts his arms behind his back he leans in close to Evie's ear and then he's like master madam it is incumbent upon me to tell you that other children and I shoot a withering glance at Kessarin are not as accomplished or as worldly as you two ha ha ha ha thank you for the reminder butler baby ha ha ha ha butler baby he deflates a little bit oh gotta roll roll this way so you guys can add dice if you want like through aiding they have to take stress yeah you have to take a stress you guys are both gonna take stress to make this work fuck whatever holy shit one two one one are you fucking kidding me I'll take a stress wow that's incredible brutal holy shit I had so many good rolls at the beginning I lost all five okay thank you Kessarin's mom Mrs.

Ropes is like now remember Kessarin we're due at the meets residence in just about 30 minutes so please make your visit short we have somewhere to be dear Kessarin's like fuck off mom she's like oh my dear daughter and walks into the house so there's a time constraint you gotta get this done Kessarin takes you into her room which is very plushly adorned there's beautifully made stuffed animals everywhere there's posters of sexy boys on the wall so I know that you were interested in some of the flavors I had to offer if you want to try it I could leave you a sample did you happen to bring any of the can they be trusted and she looks at Durst and butler baby yeah!

Butler baby is like my employee Durst is my soulmate okay well do you have any of the galaxy berry that we talked about I do and as a special favor I'm gonna leave you a couple pieces to try here's the complication is it just like a little jar or vial or something well no they're like little like Turkish delight size so she takes a couple out and she says I think if we're going to be business associates we should all try a sample together I mean like I've obviously tried it like a million times because I developed it but if you need someone to like hold your hand through it then sure she has yeah she's holding one in her hand and she has three more in her palm that she holds out to Durst Evie and Butler baby okay yeah I'll do it I don't mind taking one okay yeah all right here we all take it okay yum yum yum yum yum yum that tastes fucking awful don't say anything yeah tastes like Greg's breath smells I know I think he eats a lot of this stuff there's a lot of that down there and immediately the flavor hits all of you it's earthy it's awful it's sweet but disgusting and then you can you can feel your like brains start to change and Kessarin's like so like hold on through this part okay so by like galaxy berry I mean like you know like there's some flavor but it's more like you know like a state of mind so just like if you can handle the ride it'll pass is this is this normal yes oh yeah you're gonna have to roll something to convince her that this is a normal thing um can I is it possible to use command for something yeah totally yeah you tell me what you want to use okay I want to use command and I just want to be like you know to get like the full effect you just have to sit still and just let it like wash over you like a wave can I ask what the goal is here I thought originally that we were trying to get her to put it in her candy yeah okay that's what she's gonna do it was just the complication was that she wanted you all to we all have to do it yeah okay but if you can if you convince her she's gonna put it in her candy oh I see even though it's obviously a bad idea okay yeah yeah okay trust me it's worth it people love it it is a trip roll your command three three I could take a stress and do another one yeah for sure because this is important it is important five five great wonderful she's like yeah I can see how this would be something that people would pay top dollar for for sure like yeah okay okay you got a deal yeah and I mean like obviously the ingredients are super rare and I have to say that I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it but I'm gonna have to get them like transported and like brought over from all parts of like kinos and stuff like that so I mean unfortunately I do have to charge like a pretty high rate but I think it's worth it like as you can see like whoa right absolutely whoa this is incredible yeah I mean what's money when you can experience this yeah this transcends money this is bigger than candy you know I mean like it's just more than that Fenton is puking behind the bed yeah exactly like yeah and the two of you can feel the it's coming like you gotta get out of this house like quick I feel like this isn't like affecting Clover as much though because she's kind of used to this stuff I guess that's true she's pretty well immune at this point yeah so she hands over a little brightly colored embroidered bag with some coins in it it says you've just made me a very wealthy girl it'll pass it'll pass okay yeah and you walk out of the room as you hear her just going and you see Mrs.

Ropes in the corridor putting on a very fine mink coat getting ready to go and says oh were you kids leaving already yeah it was a lovely visit thank you so much you can hear Kessarin in her room I think Kessarin's a little sick gotta go nice to meet you bye you look hot as fuck Mrs. Ropes you look hot as fuck Mrs.

R yeah and you make it back to the sugar shop and you're like oh my god I'm so tired of this okay so it's a couple days later and the Hoverstone twins you hear them banging on your trap door outside we still feel like shit yeah yeah we still this stuff sucks we have had the collective like team building experience of being horribly I'll for days at a time all together we come to the door the sugar shack like holding a rope together like oh bags on our eyes like oh well we yell at them to stop banging on the door because it's gonna kill them yeah you can hear all your crossbows winding as they're banging on the door stop it you stupid bitches oh my god how many times do we have to tell you get out here it's a business conversation well then fucking use the right door what's the right they're all doors shut the fuck up if you yell too loud the crossbows will go off they're very sensitive we go through the vending machine hey the three of us flurp out we all have sunglasses on oh yeah we look like fucking pigs pigs we all look like Mary Kate and Ashley yeah with all the baggy clothes too yeah and the Hupperstone twins are like wow you look even more like garbage than you usually do well you know what you don't look so fucking great yourself so it's this part of the mall our clothes got dirty what do you want so I don't know what it is that you pulled but a bunch of kids got some candy from the pixie sticks and they ended up absolutely trashing their classroom and a bunch of them barfed in the fountain in the courtyard nice oh my god there's a rumor there's a rumor that Lomon stepped in a bunch of shit that was from a kid's butt that everybody saw everybody saw it from a kid's butt we're all laughing pretty hard and it hurts to laugh but you know now people have gotten to know us for a while now people have started coming to us a lot more asking for candy so I think I think we're maybe in the clear sick very good news we worked pretty hard for that one didn't we yeah absolutely you wouldn't know you fucking sit around doing nothing I sell the can't oh sell the can't we sell whatever you're gross and they walk away oh my god this does not feel like a win at all we are gross aren't we I don't know if I want to say that but I'm not going to say it I don't know if I want to say it I don't want to be a drug dealer anymore go get some soup and that instead of it ending with Fenton on the roof monologue it just ends with you all sitting around a pot of soup and Fenton is mumbling a monologue into a soup what does this mumbled monologue sound like it's just like oh fuck I'm gonna die oh fuck cold chickens want to push us some and murder us it's so hard and that is where we end the cool treat kids on what could possibly feel like the least effective and skilled score of all time stay in school guys stay in school don't be abandoned by your parents in a big mall thank you so much to players Paul Offers playing Franklin Stein the cutter Jessica Tai playing Clover Ivy for in the leech and playing Fenton Beasley the slide Abdul Aziz thanks to all our patreon supporters for supporting the show and thank you to all of our supporters for supporting the show and thank you to John Harper for creating Blades in the Dark goodnight everybody and so ends the tale of the cool treat kids always up to no good so tiny and greedy and angsty they be as they navigate crime and puberty and though our journey may be like a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to the church to the chocolate store as the cool treat kids plan their next score and for you I'll gladly spout more should all sing along I don't know I've never heard this song Blades in the Dark there's Blades in the Dark Blades in the Dark Blades in the Dark Blades in the Dark Blades in the Dark Blades in the Dark we could weird out something up yeah that would be funny yeah and there's Blades in the Dark when there's Blades in the Dark and the chocolate factory is haunted now hey now don't close to the dark crush on Seamus and now hey now when the Blades are in the dark cool treat cool treat what's going on with Franklin they won't win Jessica's just singing the song I love that she's like actively trying to be like stop it I'm singing the real song hi I'm Simon I'm G and I'm Boof have you heard about Pickaxe's hit new old movie podcast Yomp we each have a list of six films we want to share every week we roll a dice to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss MC Bunkerwelt says this trio is perfect for a movie podcast G is the casual that has the mainstream movies Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems and Boof is the cellar goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper Messiah Jones says such a fan of this podcast I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes and Simon can be a real curmudgeon but the three work together well enough to keep the flow and make a good product Serenity Indeed says love this podcast so far but the audio is all over the place goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle every time somebody stops talking for even half a second their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again it's very distracting edit this audio issue was with my laptop find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms YOMPA

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corndog addiction Benton's the sly, she sleeps the same And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome, everybody, to Speltmore Mall Brats, the game in which we will be playing the Cool Treat Kids in a slightly different system.

Over the last couple sessions, we have had some debrief sessions afterwards where we talked about how we felt a little bit bogged down by the rules of Blades in the Dark, which isn't to disparage the system at all, it's just to explain that we are stupid, dumb, stupid people. We had slightly too many things to worry about, which slowed us down.

So we are going to be using a stripped-down version of Blades in the Dark called World of Blades by Duan Figueroa, who you can find on Twitter at DuanNFR, D-U-A-M-N-N-F-R, who was very kind to let us play his game on the show. So thank you, Duan. Thank you, Duan. So I will introduce the characters, and you will see one big change that has happened. To my left, playing Fenton Beasley the Slide, Abdul Aziz. Hello, my name is Fenton!

So Abdul has died, and in his place, we have hired English character actor, uh, Vinnie Jones. Thanks so much for having me! Not a lot of people know that my voice is this high. It's good to finally be myself. And right across from me, playing… Can I just say something for a minute? Fucking Al Pacino? No. Can I just say something for a minute? Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Gilbert Godfrey. Oh, God. We're going to get a noise complaint for sure. No. I'm so sorry. No, no. Is it before?

Or 10? It's 10 now. Perfect. That's the last noise we make. That's the last noise we make tonight. We're playing a very quiet game tonight. Exactly. And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the Whisper, Jessica Tai. Hello, how are you all doing? It is me, Jessica Tai. Played by Angela Lansbury. She's dead now, right? Angela Lansbury? If I had anything to do with it, she would be. Yeah, so that's kind of the big change. World of Blades is stripped down much from Blades in the Dark.

The crew system is kind of gone, which we're quite thankful for, to be honest, because we had a lot of trouble with it. Experience is streamlined. There are fewer abilities. The actions and attributes are slightly different. The dice rolling mechanics are slightly different. It's just going to be a little bit quicker for us, which will lead to the snappy, fun sort of gameplay that we are used to. But yeah, that is the biggest change, is that Clover is now available.

So, I'm a Whisper instead of a Leech. Yeah, I'm still a hippie, but I'm not as scientific alchemist kid, but I've taken on the skills of reading horoscopes and astrology stuff. Should we do a quick introduction of your characters for the players? Sure, yeah. Yeah, just go through the pertinent information. I guess we'll start with Clover as the Whisper. Clover Ivy Fern. I kept the same name. I'm still a hippie.

I still have curly lavender hair, and I wear baggy clothes handed down from Greg, the old man. I have one prowess, and then I chose Wreck and a Toon as my actions. I am a Whisper. I chose Ritualist, which is like his hippie things. I can talk to a naturopath, or I can like, look at the stars and figure out what to do, I guess. Yeah, exactly. But I still have my corndogs vice. Still love Seamus Seamason. Wonderful. Paul Oppers. My character is Franklin Stein.

I'm playing a cutter with a special ability, Savage, which allows me to take plus one effect when trying to convince someone. When trying to convince somebody of something? When trying to intimidate someone with a threat of violence. Perfect. What else? My vice is a weird dance crying. Just anger dancing. What about your attributes and actions? Attributes, I have one in skirmish and one in command. And what's your attribute? My attribute is prowess. Cool. Being the cutter. Great. Abdul Aziz.

I'm playing Fenton Beasley. He is a slide, and… And his special ability is mesmerist, which is basically accounts to… People just kind of forget about him almost immediately because he's such a little loser. But they forget about him after he convinces people to do things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll run up to them and be like, I'm going to shit my pants. Can you let me into the movie theater? And they're like, fuck, get out of here, kid. Just go. And then they forget they did that. Yeah.

He has a cane sword still. His dad is still a merchant. His mom loves turds. He's still trying to find out who their patron is. Friend is still Doris the Lunch Lady. Enemy is still Seamuson. But his vice has changed, and now he writes fan fiction. Nice. For a vampire drama that he has been watching. Uh-huh. Yeah. And his is a little bit controversial, mainly because he doesn't understand any of the sex stuff. So he describes it in a real weird way. Yeah. So what about…

What about the other stats that you have? The other parts of your character? What? You didn't do this or that. Oh, right. He's got one in resolve, and his actions are consort and swear. Nice. I love that you were describing your character, and you went right to, he's got a cane sword. Which I noticed, is that going to be permanently checked off? Yeah. You're just always going to have a cane sword? I think so. Sweet. Yeah. So those are the characters. That's that.

Oh, something I realized, which is funny, because Jessica, wants Clover to be bad at stuff. You didn't take study or insight. Oh. So when you use ritualist, you're rolling 2d6 and taking the lowest. Oh. I don't know if I intended that, but I'm going to keep it that way. You're going to keep it that way? You don't want to change anything around? Oh. Everybody gets last minute changes? No, that's it. Everything is the same. It's the same. Also, we changed coin in this game to… Spear bucks.

Spear bucks, which is shitty mall currency. So spear bucks are basically a black market, currency that can only be spent in the mall. But not everywhere. Yeah. Not everywhere. Not everyone accepts them as currency, but most people that live in the mall will accept them as personal currency. Yeah. It's basically like the gold coins from John Wick or new yen from William Gibson's books, that kind of thing. Really fun. Like the dollars you get in school. Yeah. Yes. Like really good deeds. Exactly.

Like a wooden hot dog festival coin. Like a wooden hot dog festival coin. A Johnny Z's token. Johnny Z is a very specific, like an arcade token. I still have a Johnny Z token somewhere. Yeah. You can love those things. So that's where we're at. Mm-hmm. And we open on the Cool Treat Kids in their lair, which we have named the Sugar Shack. It's a beautiful… Does any… Do any of the Cool Treat Kids know what day of the week it is? It's four day. No way. It's four day?

The mall's open seven days a week. Like we have no clue. Yeah. We haven't been outside. We don't even know what season it is right now. Do you know what time it is? Because I imagine not, a lot of light gets into the Sugar Shack. It's day. Yeah. Okay. It's not night. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Those are the… Not even times. There's day and night. It's hobbling hour. What's hobbling hour? It's when we have to like shut ourselves up in the Sugar Shack because like, like hordes of hobnoblins. Yeah.

I think that would be fun if this was early morning then. Yeah. Before the mall opened. Oh, yeah. It's still quiet out. Oh, because we don't… In the morning. We don't know what their morning… What the Cool Treat kids are like in the morning. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So let's do a quick… Okay. The sun… Sun rises in the windows of the mall coming in through the skylights outside. Fenton Beasley. Fenton… Where does he sleep? Fenton sleeps in like a little hole. Okay. What does that mean?

We realized just before we started playing that Abdul has been awake for like 22 hours. Yeah. I forgot that I haven't slept in a long time. So Fenton sleeps in a little hole in the wall, in the floor. There's an old floor safe. Yeah. He sleeps in a safe. It feels safe. He's trying to find a safe place. Yeah. So he chose a safe. Yeah. And he just like, stuffed a bunch of blankets in there and he sleeps in there. Nice. And then sometimes… The lid closes. Yeah.

The lid closes and then they have to hire a locksman to come in. So what's he do in the morning? What's his morning routine? He'll wake up. He will eat a chocolate bar first thing. Immediately give himself some pep to get out of that safe because that door is heavy. He takes a chocolate bar in there with him. And then he goes to bed at midnight. Sorry. I was just imagining. Oh man, a big night.

I'm imagining his eyes fluttering open and him being like, and then jamming a chocolate bar in his mouth and then going, a little soggy chocolate bar from the night. It's all sweaty. Yeah. He then will reward himself for getting out of the safe with a secondary chocolate bar. He leaves it outside of the safe in the night. For motivation. Yeah. Because he's like, I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to go to bed.

I know that second bar is out there and I'm going to get there and have it. He just leaves chocolate bars at all the things that he wouldn't buy his two. He leaves a trail of chocolate bars to all the different hobnoblin traps that he has to check. Oh yeah. He'll like spin the cages and then like toss them through the… Shove them out the vending machine? The vending machine. Yeah. And then he… I was thinking like brush teeth, but probably not. He's had breakfast. Probably doesn't bathe.

Not going to brush his teeth. It's not spring, so he's not bathing. He does need to piss, so he'll go out and piss in the chocolate lake or shit. Right. Because Fenton has to use the bad toilet. Yeah. Which is the one that's in the abandoned chocolate. He doesn't have to. It's only when he has like diarrhea that we make him. But the amount of chocolate I eat is like… It's always diarrhea. Yeah. I think I might be allergic to chocolate. Might be lactose intolerant.

He's saying, as he's eating a giant chocolate bar. Pissing into a chocolate lake. Yeah. Sick. Okay. Franklin Stein. Where's Franklin sleep? What's his zone? He sleeps on an army cot. Nice. That he made. First thing he does is drinks a lot of water. And then he waters all of his plants, all the plants. There's lots of plants. He's got plants? And he cleans the little windows, the gunk on the windows to let more light in for the morning. It's kind of like opening the curtains. Nice.

He has a squeegee because all the dust and gross shit. From the old chocolate factory smudges up the windows every night. Overnight? Yeah. Wow. This is a really bad place for us to live. Yeah. So is this actually doing okay being in the safe? Way better off. So this is purely just for me. Is it like… Because I always imagine the sugar shack as being a little chocolate store built inside of a huge corridor. Yeah. Like Rogers chocolate downtown. Yeah. But then inside of a mall. Yeah.

So is it like skylight in the building and then skylight in the room? No. There's like a… There's a skylight in the roof? There's a skylight in the roof above. Oh, and then it just… And he's found a way of like going up there. And so he has like a little plant area up there. Oh, on the roof. Oh, cool. You have a roof guard. Yeah. Above on the sugar shack roof, but below the huge… Like a loft kind of? Yeah. Like a loft. Oh, like the actual Rogers chocolate downtown. Nice. Yeah. Clover.

What's Clover's morning like? Where's… What's her zone? I sleep in a hammock in like the candy making zone. Mm-hmm. And I wake up every morning to Fenton doing his… Hobnoblin' stuff. You hear a bunch of cages rattling from the other room? Yeah. And they're like… You hear me getting bit a few times. Yeah. Do we have any Bactine? When she wakes up, she does a sun pose like for yoga. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. For like five minutes.

And then she drinks warm lemon water with a bunch of tinctures that are really gross. And then she… Usually will join Franklin upstairs. I also forgot one morning routine. Uh-huh. Which is I roll over. The first thing I see in my hammock against the wall is a painting of Seamus Seamason. Yeah. And I kiss it. And when she does that, like she like walks away. And then like behind her in the distance, you see Fenton like with a little fake gun. Like… Put it at her. Put it at her. And she…

Every morning? Yeah. He does the fake… Slingshot. Motherfucker. And I'm like, stop it, Fenty. She doesn't know that I do it. Oh, fuck. I do it in secret. But it's… Yeah. In the far background. Yeah. So cute. Or maybe she does know. He's an idiot. I do know because I hear it ricochet off the photo. And I'm like… Wait, is it a real slingshot? Uh, yeah. Okay. Sick. So yeah, that's the morning. And then you all kind of come together. What are the cool treat kids want to get up to?

It's been a couple weeks since your disastrous appearance at Jemsey Cobblington's birthday party. You've had some time to just go about your day, but like, you kind of got that itch in your gut for some shenanigans. So what are the cool treat kids thinking? Clover and Franklin are on the roof of the sugar shack, tending to Franklin's plants. Cleaning the gunk off the window hole and super bright. When Franklin was watering the plants, we were like, it looks pretty sunny today. It's pretty nice.

Yeah. We're like, oh my God, spring is coming probably. Yeah. That makes us think of summer, which makes us think of getting in the pool. Do you want to, I want to go for a swim today. Fenton! I come upstairs and I am like in the process of shaking the shit out of a hobgoblin cage. Do you want to go for a swim today? Well, yeah. Where? There is a water park in the High Spear Mall. Yeah, let's sneak into the water park. Yeah, let's sneak into the water park.

Were perhaps the Cool Tree Kids previously banned from the water park? Yes, because of Fenton's diarrhea. Yeah, diarrhea in the wave pool. It was a disaster. It took so long to clean because they couldn't shut the wave pool off. Yeah, no one can shut the wave pool off. The wave pool runs continuously. And no one knows how. It's an old wizard artifact. Yeah. Wait, why don't we go in, why don't we try and get in Crystal Pool today? Oh. What's Crystal Pool? You're gonna love it. It's so fancy.

I heard they give virgin pina coladas too. So Crystal Pool is like the nice part of the water park? Well, it's like the rich kids go there because you have to pay to get in. So it's upper class for sure. Oh, fuck. It's so funny when this kid swims. That sounds fucking legit. I'm gonna go get my formal trunks on. Those are my swimsuits with a cap. Those are my swimsuits with a cummerbund on them. And they've got tassels on them. Okay. It looks like a kite. Yeah. Oh my God. Wait, what?

What do you mean? You know like the tassel part on the butt of a kite? Oh, it has a tail? Yeah. Okay, well, so get your trunks and we'll meet downstairs. This is a great idea. I'm very excited. How much is it to get in? It doesn't matter. We're gonna try and break in. All right, so that's the plan. The Cool Treat kids are gonna try and break into the water park in Diamond Crystal Pool. So I guess the first order of business is to find out how you sneak in. Oh, swimming class. Swimming lessons.

Oh yeah. How do we enroll in a swim class? You would have to basically try and sneak in with a group of kids that are going in for swim class. Okay. Trying to sneak in. Yeah. So then half an hour later, we cut to outside. Outside the Crystal Pool. What are we all wearing? What are we all wearing? Fenton. I'm wearing my formal swim trunks, which is black trunks with a cummerbund on top. There's a tassel coming off of the back. And then there's a necktie that's like in front of my crotch, I guess.

It's a belt that goes down and it's a double Windsor knot. They're so small. Oh yeah. It's like the Speedo shorts. Yeah. It's pretty fat. So it is like bunched at the top. I've got muffin tops at the top and muffin bottoms at the bottom. And you didn't come with like a shirt or pants over that? You're just there? No. I do have a snorkel though for emergencies. An emergency snorkel, great. Franklin Stein. He's got big red board shorts and pool Crocs, Mm-hmm.

Camouflage pool Crocs, three towels, a bunch, a lot of towels. Oh, and I like a house coat. And he has his lucky swimming shirt on. What's his lucky swimming shirt? Yeah, he's got porpoise all over it. Oh, nice. Yeah. And what's Clover wearing? Clover's wearing a polka dot one piece swimsuit with, and it's got like little frilly skirt kind of thing, like the nineties swimsuit had. Totally. She's just barefoot and she has two pool noodles and a life jacket on. Is she afraid of swimming? Yeah.

She doesn't know how to swim. Yeah. But she likes to think of herself as a water baby. Uh-huh. She's not. Yeah, she's Aquarius. Yeah. It's a water sign. Great, so yeah, you're gathered outside the entrance to the water park and you're in amongst this group of kids that definitely seem like they're from the nicer part of the mall and they all know each other, they're talking, Mm-hmm. And they all know each other, they're talking, and they're all like, and laughing, horsing around.

And there is like a 20 year old woman who is very clearly the teacher for the class. And she's like, okay, everybody, okay. Coming close, coming close, got to count heads. And she starts counting down the line while looking at a clipboard. And you know that if she gets to the three of you, there'll be too many people. So what do you do? I have a plan. Okay. You know that thing where like someone's counting and then you just start saying numbers to fuck them up. Uh-huh.

As Fenton starts doing that to try and like replace numbers that she's counting. Okay. So she's like, one, two, three, four. And then Fenton's like 17, 18, 19, 20. What are we doing? Yeah. How do you want to roll that? What action do you want? I think sway. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So two D six? Five. Five, that's great. So you succeed, but you suffer some kind of consequence. And I think it's just going to be that one of the swimmer kids is going to be like, you don't belong.

And it's going to be keeping an eye on you. Who's that? I don't know why the name Jeremy always comes to mind. But it's a real skinny, blonde. He looks a lot like Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell, but how he would actually be instead of the cool kid on the show, like he's just a real rich, snotty piece of shit. And you start doing the counting. And you're like, oh, I'm just going to do the counting thing and clapping. And all the kids are like, just saying random numbers. Yeah. 955. Ha ha.

Everybody's having such a fun time that the teacher's like, oh, okay, you kids. Ha ha ha. You're going to be the death of me. Come on, let's go. And then starts leading everybody into the into the swimming pool. And what does Jeremy say? Jeremy walks up behind you, Fenton, and is like, who are you? Oh, I'm Franklin Stein. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I've never heard of you. You're this is a closed class. Have you ever heard of Stein beer? No. Should I have? Yeah. Yeah. Unless you're fucking poor.

Oh, you're not poor. Are you? Are you all like acting in concert? Did I just hear someone's poor? Oh, I think Jeremy's poor. Oh, my God. Poor. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. The five is the best. And you take one stress because Clover failed. Yeah.

So everybody starts making fun of Jeremy. Yeah. Because they're like, wow, did you hear Jeremy is poor? And it's like, oh my God, I don't want to be a poor person. And they're all just like needling him. They know that he's not poor, but now they're just making fun of him. And he's like, no, I'm rich. My dad is so rich. And my mom is even richer than my dad. I'm 100% rich, guys. Please. You have to. And it's just his ire has been misdirected from you momentarily.

Have we gotten through the gates of Crystal Pool? Yeah. You're being led into the pool and you see the security guard who banned you last time is working today. Oh. But you're inside this group of rich kids. But now you know that this security guard whose name is Wendy. Wendy. Wendy Mug. Wendy Mug. Right. Wendy Mug. Wendy Mug is working security at the pool today. So she's going to be around, too, as you're trying to have as much fun as you can at this water park today.

Like, if she sees you, it's over. Hey, guys, let's slip away from the group. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. So what are you rolling to sneak away? I have one prowess. Yeah, that's great. So that means that Clover rolls one. Oh, I have one in prowess as well. Oh, then you roll one as well. So this would be another group action. Who's going to be the leader? I'll be the leader. I'll be the leader. Hey, guys, get behind my pool noodles. Oh, yeah. You're trying to cover up with pool noodles and shit?

Yeah. So, yeah. There you go. Not good. Six. One. I got two. So that means that Clover takes two stress as the leader. But the six of Franklin means that you succeed completely. Wow. Cool. So just as the group gets in, the teacher's leading them towards, like, the kid pool to start their lesson. And you just… You just move to the side and you're a mess of pool noodles. And you guys slip off into the general population of the crystal pool. Hell, yeah. We are in. Fuck. What?

I just ate too much chocolate this morning. Do you want to… You should use the bathroom first so we don't do the thing that happened last time. Right. Pretty gross. Good idea. And I start, like, hustling towards the bathroom. But I take a champagne flute full of chocolate milk as I go. And I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. It's gonna be a while. I need something to keep me energized. Oh, he has a good point. So I grab two of them. And I down them at the same time. Yeah.

And I go to the ladies' room. Okay. Yeah. So, Fenton, you go into the bathroom. It's the nicest bathroom you've ever seen. What does the nicest bathroom that Fenton has ever seen look like? There's a bowl of mints. Whoa. And there's… Yeah, there's an old man in here. The classic old man to, like, dry your hands. Yeah. The bowl of mints. And there's a hand dryer. Yeah, it's a guy with a towel. No, there's a… A real… Air hand dryer. Whoa. What's this weirdo doing there?

I think he's just, like… Lonely. Yeah. The hand dryer… It's actually just a bunch of elves in there that scream all at the same time. The air pressure just dries your hands eventually? Yeah, they just, like, blow on your hand. Great. And you just head right to the stall. Yeah, I grab a handful of mints. Okay. I throw them in the champagne flute. You're only supposed to take one minute at a time, little boy. Hey, buddy. Don't tell me how to do it. My dad makes beer or something.

He's not even gonna stop you. He doesn't get paid enough. And Clover goes to the women's bathroom. What's the nicest women's bathroom Clover's ever seen look like? Well, this one has a chaise lounge in it. Whoa. Yeah, and a full-length mirror. All the women leave, they're, like… Accessories and other things on the counters. Mmm. And I spy some sunglasses and I want to take them. Okay. That is going to be… How are you… What are you rolling to take them? I suppose… Finesse.

Yeah, so you're just rolling the one die. Two. I got two! I fucking suck! A one to three is a failure, so… With the way that stress works, you can choose to take stress. Mm-hmm. So it'll cost you two stress if you want to, like, avoid the stress. Avoid the potential negative consequences. Sure, I'll take two stress, because YOLO. Yeah. So you reach for these really nice sunglasses that you see on the counter. Mm-hmm.

And just as you're about to grab them, the stall behind you bangs open and this middle-aged lady in a one-piece comes out. She's very plump and motherly. She's like, Oh, dear, hello, how are you? Oh, I'm good. I just… Silly me, I forgot my sunglasses. Are these your sun… These are my sunglasses, dear. What? I run away. Wait, wait, wait! And then you're gone. Yeah. Yeah, but you don't get the sunglasses, and now you're just stressed out because a mom almost caught you stealing.

I know, so I'm sad, and I, like, go hide in the wave pool. Yeah. What's Franklin been up to? He's trying to go hit on one of the lifeguards, but he's surrounded by girls. He can't. He can't. They're all like, Ooh, who's this new kid? I'm not new. I'm actually really old. Excuse me. And he's just, like, putting his hand on their face. Like, I'm sorry. Can I just slip? No, yeah. No, it's mine. No, they're… Sorry. No, they're porpy. Porpy. They're porpuses. Thank you. Can I have… Can you…

Do you guys have any… Wait, what are porpuses? On his shirt. His shirt has porpuses. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Who's this lifeguard? Oof. Oh. What's her name? Let's see. Mindy. Mindy. Yeah, Mindy's great. So her name's Mindy. She is 15. She's got long, dark hair. And she looks like she swims a lot. You know what I mean? Yeah, she's cool. Yeah, she is cool. I was imagining all the lifeguards that I had crushes on when I was in school.

And, like, she's got, like, a headband on and her hair is naturally crimped because it's always wet. Oh, yep. Yeah. Nice texture in there from all the chlorine. Mm-hmm. Also, I don't know why that she… He knows that she's also a dancer. Oh. Ballerina dancer. I like that. Yeah. Mindy is, like, he's trying to be, like, cool and be like, I just want to, like, make out with a chick. But he actually wants to win the dance contest. Sick. And he's trying to find the best partner.

And he's heard that Mindy is the lifeguard at Crystal Pool. And he wants to actually kind of do this, like, legit kind of, like, out-of-his-character dance contest. Oh, my God. This is Havana night. This is dirty dancing Havana night. This is dirty dancing Havana days. Oh. Oh. Diego Luna. Seen it. Love it. I love it. It's great. Love it. Yeah. So, do you, like, work here or… I work out here. And then he flexes his guns a little bit. Flexes his 13-year-old bicep. Yeah. And it's…

There's nothing there. And he's like… And he puts his hands above his head. And he's like, I lost my beach balls about this big. It's about… Yay, big around. He brings them down. He's like, I like to hold up behind my back. This strikes me as a consort of some kind. I don't think I've seen you before. It's pretty exclusive clientele. I think you would remember me. I think I would remember. You've seen me. I've definitely seen you. And he hasn't. Yeah, well, I have this… I have this chair.

It puts me pretty high up in the air. Most people see me. Oh, yeah. That's your chair? Yeah, this is my chair. Yeah, what's up? What's up? What's up? Your chair's up. His upper lip starts sweating a little bit. Like, how old are you? I'm 16. How old are you? Sorry. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, I'm 16 in a bit. I'll be 16 later on. I'll be… 16 in a few little bits. This seems like it would be like a consort kind of thing. Or what about a command? No, command is like ordering people around.

You will dance with me, Mindy. Well, here's the thing. This is risky because… This is kind of desperate, actually. Because you're 13. She doesn't know who you are. And you're trying to get in good with her. And she's just trying to work. Okay, what if I… What if you used a little bit of finesse? Then I can use my prowess to, like, kind of do some flourishing, little dance moves.

And so, like, he does a little sashay up to the side of the pool and then tries to do, like, a really cool dive in. Yeah, so this would be Desperate Limited. Ooh. Classic pool thing. Like, trying to impress a girl is, like, the high dive. Oh, yeah. Like, if you want to do, like, a fancy dive. Yeah. That's a desperate move where you're just like, all right, babe. Yeah, and he's like, Franklin does not like heights. Yeah. So, I got to, like, get back to work and stuff.

Yeah, so I'm just going to… I'm just going to do the thing I do all the time. I'm just going to jump off the high dive. Whatever. Okay. You should check this out. You should probably watch me do this. Hey, I like you. Her hair style. Around the pool, it's noticeably nice. Thank you. Hey, thank you. And then she starts climbing back up her chair. Okay, and then he walks over to, like, the… He's walking by the small diving board, like, damn it, I wish I could…

Like, he just knows that he can't. That's not impressive. And then the middle one is, like, that's still not impressive. So, then he's slowly climbing up the very high one, and it's so much higher than he wants it to be. And his, like, knees are going nuts. And then he starts doing the running man. Not to the end of the diving board. Because he's stalling. He's stalling so hard. Because the running man takes twice as long as walking. Yeah, totally.

And he gets out to the end of the diving board, and he's like… And he, like, puts his hands up over his head. He's about to dive, and then he does the moonwalk back to the beginning of the diving board. Just stall a little bit more. And then he walks up to the front, does, like, a tango up, and he's, like, looking over at Mindy. And what's she doing? She's watching against her better judgment. Okay, he pirouettes and then dives off backwards. Okay, so roll…

I guess it would just be prowess, because you don't have finesse or whatever. Just one? Yeah, just one. Four. Ooh. Okay. So four to five partial success. So, again, this is… Since it was limited effect, you've, like, achieved that. So it'll have, like, planted the seed for you to pursue her as a dance partner further. I'll take it. Okay, so you do some cool dance moves off the diving board. You do the running man. You do the electric slide. You do the worm. And only gently crush your penis.

And… Which is my favorite. Favorite album. Yeah. And then you go dive, sploosh, right into the water. You're so proud of yourself. You crest the surface of the water, triumphant. And then you see, four feet away, your swim trunks floating on the surface of the pool. Classic. And sailing away more and more with every passing second. Damn it. And we cut to Fenton Beasley. He's, like, sitting on the edge of the counter in the men's washroom and just talking to that old guy. Nice.

He's telling me so many stories, and I am fucking wrapped. Yeah, so, you know, I was about 45 years old. Fenton's, like, kicking his legs. And I realized, I looked outside, and I realized the door was open, and the goddang pig had gotten away. That was your favorite pig, too. My favorite pig, and in her mouth, my favorite pair of slacks. And I thought to myself, what's a pig gonna do with a pair of slacks? What happened? I went outside. She was wearing the dang things. He pops up a mint. Yeah.

He's been eating them like popcorn, basically. Drinking them out of the flute. Yeah. Like, the flute is full of mints, and he's swirling it like wine. Yeah. Taking a sip. Not even chewing them, just swallowing. Like a duck. Yeah. Cut to Clove Rivey Fern. What's she doing? Well, she's still in the wave pool, and she's feeling, like, pretty embarrassed about getting caught. But she does spy Seamus in the wave pool as well. Way further, like, kind of in the deep end. And he's looking, like, taut.

He's looking good. He gets onto, like, one of those big floaties. Oh, yeah. I don't know any of the technical. Inner tube. Yeah. He gets into one of those, and, like, a lot of the kids have them, because, like, that's the whole point of the wave pool. So I, like, so I grab both my noodles, and I, like, kind of swim towards them. Like, well, I gotta look cool. Like, and so I come up with a plan to bump into him by accident. Oh. Yeah.

So I swim, like, all the way to, like, the edge of the deep as part of the wave pool, because my plan is to crash into him and be like, oh, I didn't see you there. Yeah, totally. What would you be using? Would wreck count? Like, if it's, like, smashing into him? Yeah, that wreck totally makes sense. I want to hit him hard enough that he notices me. It's totally, like, the kind of thing that, like, overzealous crushes. A crush happens where you, like, go too far. Oh, I know.

I have done all these things. Why am I so bad at this? I got two threes. Two threes. Those are failures. So I think it's that you swim out into the deep end of the pool, and you do get out there, and the waves start throwing you back, but the wave is bigger than you expect it to be, and you get pushed basically under Seamus in, Yeah. And you swallow, a lot of pool water. Oh, I do. I swallow so much pool water. Yeah, so you're just going to be feeling off for basically the rest of your time here.

When I get to the surface, I'm, like, sputtering so much, and, like, coughing up so much water, and I have, like, boogers coming up. Yeah, totally. And Seamus makes eye contact with me. With your boogers? With my boogers. And he doesn't even engage in the, like, cat and mouse repartee you usually have. He just paddles in the opposite direction. Wait. Wait. Seamus. And he is just, Help me. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you're trying to look cool, but, like, an adult, Yeah.

Like, lifeguard sees you sputtering and goes, Tweet, on their whistle, and dives in, and paddles out and makes a huge show Yeah. Of grabbing you and swimming you to the side. Wait, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Like, you don't have to do this. I've, No, don't worry, little lady. I'm getting you out of here. I'm saving your life. I'm saving your life. No problem.

Your life is in my hands. And all the kids watch this happen, and it's so embarrassing. So you swallow a bunch of pool water, and you're fucking mortified. The lifeguard, who has a big handlebar mustache and, like, a gut that's barely being contained by his polo shirt and his tight red shorts, is, like, doing CPR on you, or is trying, and you keep trying to get up, and he's like, No, I got you. I gotta restart your heart. I'm like, I'm fine. Like, let go of me, and I stalk off. All right.

Well, it's good to know another life has been saved today. He straightens his cap. Cut back to Fenton Beasley. Still sitting on the edge of the counter, but all of the elves from the hand dryer are sitting next to me, and we're all listening and swinging our legs. I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. So my fifth marriage was, by all accounts, an accident. And I know what you're thinking. In what way?

So this is the fifth one. The fifth. So the first one was Monica. True love. Yeah. And you guys got married in the sun, right? Yeah, we were outside, but it's because we were homeless. And then the second one was Rita. Yep. True love. And then the third one was the second one was the second one was the second one was the second one was the second one was Rita. And then the third one was the second one was True love. And then Turns out Monica was the fake one. Yeah. Oh.

I just realized what you were doing. Let's keep going. And the third one was Nina? You don't know all of them? I was hoping that people would be able to feed me these. They're gonna keep being sweet. Little bit of Monica in my life. A little bit of Jessica by my side. Yeah, second one was Jessica. Little bit of Rita's all I need. Third one's Rita. Little bit of Tina's all I need. Little bit of Tina's all I need. I'm gonna let's see. Little bit of Sandra. I'm gonna let's see. Okay.

Little bit of Sandra. So this is the last Sandra's son. Sandra's the last And her son. This guy's name is Lubiga by the way. Yeah. Lou. His first name's One word. His first name's Lubiga. Yeah. And his last name's mama number five. Yeah. It's cut away? You just wanna keep cutting back or does Fenton have a plan? The plan is to collect a delightful story about a man's life. It'd be funny if this was for your fan fiction. Oh yeah. That's so good. That's really good.

That's a good- Fenton is taking notes. Yeah. He always needs characters. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, my fifth wife, Sandra, she was by all accounts an accidental marriage. How? Well, I just woke up one day and I was in a tuxedo in front of a priest of some kind. I still don't know what. Oh, okay. So you were in a tuxedo? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo.

I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. I give you the tuxedo. To Franklin Stein, I guess. There's like a five-year-old kid who's swimming around playing with your shorts.

Command. I'm going to tell that kid to give them to me. Four. Four. You get your shorts back. You go up to the little kid and just say, give me those fucking shorts. Those are my shorts. You don't want to touch them. And the kid just lets them float back to you. But then a very intense looking woman with a very short angular haircut is just off the side of the pool like, why are you talking to my son? What? Why are you talking to my son? I don't know you. He doesn't know you. Do you know him?

Yeah, that's his little just, hey. Yeah, I taught him in swim class. He's putting his shorts back on. That sounds like a sway to me. One. Oof. You can spend two stress to avoid those consequences. Yeah, I will. Okay, cool. Yeah, because she was… She was going to rat you out hard. But instead, she's just like, Chesterman, come over here. Come over here. Get away from this strange boy. And she pulls her kid out of the pool and wanders away. What's Clover doing now that she's been saved?

Her life has been bodily saved. She's sitting at one of the drink bars having a smoothie and a wheatgrass shot. And she's just like, keep them coming. There's a… There's a guy with a striped shirt and those little elastics around the sleeves and a curled mustache washing a glass. Hard day, huh? Yeah, it was pretty tough. What's on your mind, little lady? Well, it's just hard because, like, when you love someone, they don't return your love. And… He just doesn't notice me, you know?

Why do you think he doesn't notice you? Because he's stupid, or I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just an ugly nerd. Oh, darling, you're not ugly. Really? And I say that and I still have the dry boogers under my nose. A wheatgrass mustache? Yeah. The beautiful thing about a chlorine pool is it's the great equalizer. Everybody looks awful coming out of one of those. I guess that's true. I don't know. Do you have any… Do you have any advice for love? My advice is, uh…

There's only one person you can trust to love you unconditionally. Oh, my God. Who's that? That's the Lord of the Flame, little lady. Have you heard the good word? Oh, Jesus. Take my smoothie away. Your heart can burn for eternity. Gone. What's Clover doing now that Seamus has been scared off? So she's taking her smoothie away with her because the dude started preaching about the Lord of the Flame and she's like, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in that garbage.

And she sees Seamus in, uh, like, at a snack cart. And she's like, I could just, like… I could try again. Whatever. Yeah, he's eating. He's very unhappily eating a hot dog. Unhappily? Hey. Yeah, he's just like, he takes a bite and he throws it down on his plate in disgust. And he's still got a big inner tube around his waist. Okay. Clover wipes her face of her tears and she walks up to Seamus. Ugh. Oh, what's going on? Oh, it's you.

Well, I just saw you, like, get really sad about that hot dog. It's just trash. This is definitely not Hot Meat Boys material. Oh, I bet. I mean, you guys make the best stuff, obviously. Well, it's fine. It's better than fine. It's the finest meats that you can acquire inside the High Spear Mall. I don't know where they're getting their meats from the Steakums, probably. That sounds super gross. It is super gross. Hey. What? Why are you talking to me like this? I don't know.

I was just walking by. Wait, how do I flirt? She says to herself out loud. Are you going to eat that hot dog? You going to eat that hot dog? No, probably not. I was going to eat a little bit more of it. You're going to have to convince him. Sway, probably? Yeah. I mean, if it's not to your standards, like, I'll eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. Do you want to resist at all? No, I have.

I'm like almost traumatized. Wow. Yeah. He goes, you know what? You can have the whole thing. It's garbage. You're used to eating garbage, aren't you? And he throws it and it baps off your face. Oh, my God. And then he walks away in his inner tube. Boing, boing, boing. Yeah. Clover cries. Yeah. And runs back into the bathroom. Oh, yeah. Cut back to Fenton Beasley. Okay. And he's sitting in a garbage can eating a piece of pizza that someone threw out. He's left the bathroom?

Yeah, he's left the bathroom. But he only got to the garbages right outside of the bathroom. And he's like, people are throwing away half-eaten pizzas? Okay. Uh-huh. I guess I'm in heaven now. And this is a good opportunity for Fenton to think about what he wants out of his visit to the Crystal Pool. What is the most desirable thing about going to the Crystal Pool? Big-ass slide, probably. Huge slide. Huge slide. Cool slide. Cool slide. Fun ride. He sees a pamphlet inside. He looks at it.

He's like, cool slide. Fun ride. Hey. And he looks up and he looks at the big, giant slide. It is bright yellow. It goes all the way up to the ceiling. Like, it takes five minutes to walk up the stairs to even get to the slide. And they said that one time a kid went so fast down the slide that his skeleton came out and arrived at the bottom. The ceiling. It's like separate from his body. Whoa. Yeah. That's the rumor. And it's called the serpent. Whoa. Yeah. It's also a race. Yes. It is a race.

Uh-huh. There's two slides next to each other. There are tubes of three people on either side. Uh-huh. And if you win, like if you get the best time of the season, then you get a free membership to next year at the Crystal Pool. Ooh. Ooh, yeah. Pretty good. Free year membership. Free membership. Maybe that's why Seamus is here. He's trying to get a free membership for the Hot Meat Boys because that's like you can pawn that for moolah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Stakes now. Yeah.

So Fenton is reading this pamphlet and he sees Clover coming towards him crying. What does he do? He pops his head out of the garbage can. He's like, Clover, what's wrong? Oh, I just like, it just got hot dog thrown in my face. I don't know if this is going to make you feel better or worse, but there's a whole, there's a whole vegetarian pizza in here if you want to climb in here and eat it with me. Yeah, okay. So I scramble up to the edge of the garbage can.

What little fucking street rats we are. Pop in this garbage can. And I like, I dangle over and I grab her by the wrists and I haul her up into this can. Okay. And I'm like, can you imagine someone throwing out an entire spinach and artichoke pizza? This is amazing. What a life. Oh my God. Thank you. It's like we died and went to the dumpster behind heaven's restaurant. This is the best pizza I've ever eaten.

I don't know if it's my hormones from being rejected or the fact that I'm a street urchin, but this garbage pizza is delicious. And then I'm like, what happened? Why are you crying? I'm crying.

Well, I mean, I was just trying to talk to Seamus and then he like was in a really bad mood and then he probably didn't mean to, but he kind of like threw his hot dog and it like somehow hit me in the face and I just looked really like uncool in front of him and now I have all this ketchup and mustards on my face and relish and chopped onions and there's a lot of stuff. It was mostly toppings. Yeah. And hot peppers and melted cheese. It was like a Chicago dog, I guess.

And I think there's some beans in here. And I like, I do, I do a thing I saw in one of the teen dramas that I watch and I'm like, I put my finger to her lip and it squishes into all the condiments that are on her face and I'm like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. What are you doing? And I'm like, I don't see a person with a bunch of condiments on their face and I take like a piece of cheese pizza and I wipe it off. Wow. I wipe it with the cheese pizza. I present it to her.

I'm like, I see a genius who just made a new kind of pizza. Oh, jeez. I actually spit in Jessica's face. Oh my God. Wow. I threw the microphone. That was fine. So when Fenton blows on it, he blows too hard and it just blows it back on my face. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It blows. It is literally what just happened here where I blow on it, but my, my lips have too much saliva on them and then I accidentally spit in her mouth.

Fenton, that was way worse than what just happened. Nothing is going right today. Nothing's going to go right ever again for any of us until we show Seamus that he's a little fuck. I don't give a fuck.

Just getting progressively more adult with his insults yeah you make really good reasonable points this is how I know that she is at rock bottom she's agreeing with you it's not good yeah I gotta show him I gotta look cool in front of seamus I gotta make him realize that I'm the true his true love that not love that I'm really cool and I'm like okay cool and I reach forward and pick a huge booger off of her face and I'm like that was distracting okay I have a plan okay and I'm like I I hold up the pamphlet I'm like boom and I show like I show her the race and I'm like the snake the serpent serpent sorry I have had a lot of minutes to everything looks like snakes yeah you smell really clean thank you yeah it's only a smell and like the serpent is a water slide slash race slash cannonball run to the death wow that's probably what he's doing here he's probably trying to get the fucking membership he did have an inner tube on he did have an inner tube on oh okay get your fucking self-respect back you're right girl and then he does those three snaps I'm gonna go slide down that tube and I'm gonna make seamus slide down the tube with me no we have to we're on opposite teams oh yeah yeah we're challenging him yeah high five franklin's like did I he's like comes in oh he tries his shorts around backwards did you hear all that I mean I saw you guys high-fiving we just came up with a plan to impress everyone at the pool I'm in okay what would impress mindy more than winning this serpent race exactly you want so yeah so you're trying to impress mindy clover's trying to impress seamus and fenton's trying to impress clover yeah like it's classic kid shit what a tangled web we weave and then he takes a piece of pizza out of his pocket his cargo short and it's he's turned it into a taco with a bunch of mints in it oh my god he is gonna have the wildest diarrhea later he's gonna get colon cancer before he's 20 didn't even chew it yeah so seamus is hanging out by the edge of the wave pool in one of the calm sections you know when you're in an inner tube but you're like basically sitting down so your feet are just sticking up yeah he's doing that with a couple other hot meat boys and what a power pose that is yeah it's very awkward looking uh so him and some hot meat boys are just hanging out and he's like oh my god I'm gonna get a hot meat boy and he's like oh my god and they're doing it in a way where they're trying to avoid security as well and you get the idea that maybe they're not supposed to be here or they're here under false pretenses of some kind so we're all together right hell yeah yeah but we're backing you up so I'm heading the group and I've got ben and franklin to my side kind of behind me a little bit and we walk up to seamus and his group and our shadows of our bodies cast wait okay we cast fucking hell no you're doing it you're doing it doing it this is cool all right and as we walk up we cast the you're doing it peter no I'm doing it peter we cast the shadow to end all shadows this is the number of false starts that we've actually done because all of us clover's like I have it in my head I know I know what it looks like she gets us to back up again yeah yeah yeah okay frankly your shorts are backwards it's a oh my god oh my god they've been like this though was this been the whole time the whole entire time yeah definitely the whole time are you just noticing this or you're just telling me what's happening I noticed it before but I thought it was cool I've got a boner at the back I noticed it before and I thought it was cool and that's then that you realize fenton shorts are also and the tail is on the front now and it looks wild okay I guess because he keeps playing with it that's the problem stop that you don't know what that looks like she keeps smacking my hair yeah all right start again okay we walk up slow-mo synchronized and the shadows of our bodies are cast on the hot meat boys and seamus whips his head around oh I thought it was just the little candy freak but it's the entire gumdrop gang what do you call yourselves again shut up seamus a cool treat kids actually gumdrop game is not that bad yeah good name high five franklin high fives but fenton did hold his hand up for like 10 seconds yeah for seamus to high five and seamus just floats in the water it was a long dead second I'm gonna I'm challenging you to a a challenge are you in seamus what what challenge you can't just say I'm challenging you to a challenge and expect me to understand what you're doing I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that you're talking about I think you understand you smarmy little git do you want to duel me yeah via the serpent slide and you hear all the kids around go unless you're not brave enough seamus because you know what I know I'm going down that ooh that's right and I'm going down it with her and so is he you slapping no no no no no no no no no no no no no every single word of that I hate it what I love them all I'll bleep it out um and franklin looks up that the slide when he says like we're going down it and he's just like like a long look up yeah the established fear of heights oh no so all the kids are like oh this challenge it's a challenge and official challenge and you hear a chant start that's like serpent slide serpent slide serpent slide yeah so uh so you're gonna have to roll something you are in a controlled position because you have invoked the what are you chicken rule are you guys is anyone aiding yeah we're all aiding intimidation so I get what's the savage aid would just be you take a point of stress and she gets another die cool so for each of you that takes a point of stress clover gets an additional die five five go oh yes yes yes yes yes so clover shameson is like oh no one challenges shames shameson and lives to see another day well some people they generally live I've never hurt anyone really because I'm a pacifist but I'll accept your challenge clover ivy fur very well me and these two dipshits they're coming with me who are the two dipshits uh they're uh fenton asked that who are the dipshits who are your dipshits we're we're wondering because we're the dipshits in this situation this is this is cob and kristoff yeah yes they're just hot meat boys don't worry about them they they would have been nameless had you not asked but they'll be racing with me there's gonna be a spinoff with those two carbon krista for sure so there's all this kid activity and franklin you see wendy the security guard that banned you guys from the water park start walking over he wants he kicks he kicks he kicks shames into the water as hard as he can and he's upside down so maybe he'll like start drowning and then he'll create a commotion he's gonna skirmish to his prowess and kicks shames okay I'll aid oh what if he what if franklin wait they have a move yeah yeah yeah he picks him up you know when you launch a kid in the water park and he's like oh my god I'm gonna pool oh yeah so franklin launches benton at the opposite side of because he's sitting on half of his inner tube like in the shallows yeah he launches them on the opposite side so yeah sick move so you get so you take a point of stress and that gives franklin an additional die thank you sick so this is risky skirmish prowess skirmish risky but great effect not desperate no not desperate for four okay so that's a mixed success yeah who can say what the wind blows where the sky grows and I look like a kite now because I have that thing yes but now it's going down between your legs and out your butt cheeks and where we belong and my fucking schnutz are going towards that's first coming in schnutz is this fenton offering to take the consequences from this failure uh hell yeah launch me dude this could be you taking harm like the less effect harm because you totally just land your nuts right in seamus's face and then for the rest of the day you're gonna do you're gonna have that like like that kind of wave of discomfort after you take a real shot in the balls I feel like I have to toot I feel like I have to poo but like up you know that feeling if you guys ever had that oh yeah so yeah so you uh check off less effect and we see this beautiful shot of franklin his 13 year old muscles taught rippling in the sun launching the chubby little cannonball that is fenton beasley the ribbon coming up between his legs like toilet paper stuck to his butthole his butt cracks hanging out a little bit it's a real picture his arms and legs splay out like a starfish while he's airborne all of the mints that are in my pockets are like spread behind me suspended in the air it looks really beautiful it does little chubby boobs off to the sides yeah I I've got the muffin top on the on the top and the muffin bottoms on my legs and they're both rippleing Who can think?

Seamus is sitting in his tube like a rope swing, slowly watching as the crotch of Fenton Beasley sails towards his face and hits him right in the eyes, and then the legs of Fenton swing out and drag Seamus into the water. He flips over, and then his legs are up in the air. Fenton's in the water. Seamus's legs are kicking in the air. Fenton skids across the top of the wave pool like a stone that's skipping across the lake.

And then comes to a rest and sinks in, giving the three of you the opportunity to run before Wendy actually sees who you are. She's like, oh no, and then runs up, tweets her whistle. I'm running, but I'm yelling at Seamus, I'll meet you up at the top in 10 minutes. And all you hear from Seamus is, as he's trying to fight his way back to air. I swim to the other side to get away from Wendy. Yeah. Your nuts hurt so bad. I'm only on like 10 feet. Oh shit, my cardio sucks. Swimming is so hard.

And you guys regroup at the edge of the wave pool, the opposite edge, and you just head to the equipment booth? Because that's where you got to go to sign up. Yeah. We got to find out. We're going to find the best inner tubes. Yeah. The slipperiest ones. So we go to the equipment booth. Who's working there? It is the lifeguard that saved Clover earlier that day. Yeah. And he sees you and he goes, oh, I'd recognize that hair everywhere. I remember the face of every life I've ever saved. Yeah.

Don't. I was fine. I was fine. Still taking in breath, huh? Is in living, yes. Yeah. You got old Cal over here to thank for that. You're right, Calvin. I couldn't. I would have done it without you. You're dang right you couldn't. We'd like to sign up for the serpent slide contest. Oh, taking on the old serpent, huh? Sure. Yes. Not many are brave enough, let alone such small, fragile children. Well, we're very brave children. And I'm just feeling like it's in my cards today to win this contest.

All right. That's what I like to hear, little lady. So these are the three. You. Yeah. The big one in the. Some kind of dog. It's because he's sniffing around another garbage can with a tail. I stand up, but I am holding an elephant ear that is full of jam. And I'm like, someone threw a whole elephant ear out. Oh, that's a child. Yeah. This is Benton. And this is Franklin. And my name's Clover. And we want to sign up. All right. Can do. Here you go. Fill out this form.

And it's literally just three spots for your name. And at the top, it says, we are not responsible. Yeah. We are not responsible. That's it. Yeah. That's all it says. That is the legal declaration is that the three of us are irresponsible people. And you acknowledge all of the dangers that are encapsulated in that. And Cal goes, all right, looks like everything's in order. Let me just get you your raft. And he starts reaching for the most dangerous.

Tattered piece of shit raft you've ever seen in your life. I want to like lean in and be like, Cal, what can I do you for? Do you have any better rafts? Better. These are all. And he starts really squinting his eyes and like moving his head back and forth. And it's at this point you realize he can't see. Oh, he's got serious vision problems. And he's like, I can't. These all look the same. And I get up on the counter and I start like crawling over to him. I'm like.

Cal, I want to tell you a story. He's like, what are you? Are you getting so close? I feel like you can't see anything. So I got to get close. No, of course. I got eyes of a hawk. Look. And the tenacity. If I didn't have eyes of a hawk, I couldn't be a lifeguard. Cal, look here. I grab him. I pull him close. I'm like, Cal, I'm going to tell you a story about a man. Okay. An old man who married a pig. A pig named Monica. Okay. That pig was wearing his pants. And she ran it out into the field.

And then he ran out after that pig. And then accidentally married her. And then he accidentally married four more girls. And he's still married to all of them. And that man works in the bathrooms right now. Oh, Lou. Yeah. Yeah, I know Lou. And Lou gives out mints every single day to every single person. He doesn't care that he can't fucking tell the difference. Between a pig and a lady. Yeah. We've been trying to get him out of there for years. He can't.

He doesn't care that nobody needs those mints or wants them except for poor people. I'll take a mint. I hand him one out of my pocket. I took so many, I think. And then I point him right in the face and I'm like, and you don't care that you can't see. I can see. You'd know you don't. You can't. And it doesn't matter because just like Lou is a. Weird bathroom attendant at heart. You're a lifeguard. That's in here. And I point, I poke him in the chest. Stop poking me. And we're racers.

And that's in here. Where did you. Point it at his belly button. Where did he point? He pointed it to his belly button. Oh, okay. Yeah. And the only thing that's going to help us win this race is if you let us pick our own fucking raft. Please let us do that. You're going to have to roll. What are you using? I guess consort. Sure. Yeah, that makes sense. I like it. Because I connected with him. Yeah, totally. Controlled. Great effect.

Well, so normal effect because of your less effect because you are still really feeling it and that shot to the nards earlier. Yeah, I keep going. During his speech. Yeah. Five. Five. There you go. Consequence as yet to be determined. But he is like, you know what? Little kid, you said a lot of stuff and not much of it made sense, but I'm inclined to agree with you. The tone was more what sold it. Basically, what I need is for you to not tell anybody that I am legally blind. One hundred percent.

We will not tell anyone. You can grab whatever raft you want. I don't care. We scurry into the back. Awesome. There is a gross raft. The one that Cal was going to grab. There is. The gray one. There's one that looks like a shark. One that looks like a sea monster and one that looks like a horse. Inexplicably. What is the most dope ass? Very fast one. Okay. So is there one that's better than all the other ones? Definitely. Yeah. Hmm. We roll the figure that survey. Oh, yeah. Does anyone have it?

No. I have insight. No. Well, you might just have to risk it. I will take a. Yes. To give her the. Really? Yeah. I'll also give you a stress. So that's two. Oh, thanks, you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Oh. Oh. So. Is it the shark? It must be the shark. It's the horse, weirdly. Right. There's a lot of like lines running down like the bottom of the thing that look like they would be really good at channeling water. So the horse is probably the best raft that you could grab out of all the ones back here.

It looks dumb as fuck. It really does. It has legs. Yeah. That are like out on the side. It looks like a horse that fell over. And we have to get in it like three dudes in a horse costume to climb inside of it. It is a roof, too. Yeah. And it's like kind of like balloon material. So like you can see out of it and you can kind of see us inside of it. You start walking it over. Yeah. Great. Great. Oh, it has legs on the bottom. No, we're making that sounds. Yeah.

Seamus, you see, as you're walking away with your horse thing, Seamus and his two brutes walk like are walking past you like, oh, you got a horse, huh? A horse for a water race. Hey, this is a water horse. Read a book for one Seamus. And as you walk past him, he's like, oh, is a water horse a real thing? And you guys are walking through the water. You're parked to the staircase that leads you up to the top of the serpent.

And you see Wendy, the security guard, standing near the staircase, looking at every kid that walks by. What do you do? We're just trying to get up the serpent. Yeah. You're trying to get to the top. And she's like basically blocking the stairs. Oh, I know. I'm going to slip out of the horse costume really quick. And there's like a huge like, you know, when you go to like Walmart or Zellers or whatever, and they had the big tube, the cage of like balls. Yeah.

They have a huge tall one of that with like beach balls. Yeah. I'm going to go knock it over. Cool. Do you want to use my cane sword? Yeah. Okay. You don't have to. You can just knock it over. I just have a cane sword. I'll use the cane sword. This is just what. Yeah. Yeah. Where he's like, I've been carrying it around the whole day. I feel like someone should use. You guys do have load that we didn't talk about. I assume it's all light. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a hacking tool. I give you the uses. I give you the uses. I give you the uses. What is it? I have a hacksaw. You've been carrying this hacksaw all day? Where was this? I don't know. Those are big pockets in those cargo shorts. You did have a bunch of towels. Maybe it was just in the towels. I accidentally brought a hacksaw in my towels. That's a really nice offer, but I'm sure even you can agree that this will be better. Yes. And he bows. Yes, my lady. Yes.

I don't know how many times I have to tell you. You don't have to bow to me. He's like, easy, big fella. Four. Four. Four. Okay. So Clover hacks at the leg of this cage of balls, and it just tilts over, tilts. Boom. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. And they're fucking. They're fucking everywhere. I scurry back into my costume. You scurry in. Yeah. What do we think the consequence is? Maybe that the hacksaw cuts the costume a bit. It makes it less effective. Oh, no.

Unbeknownst to the Cool Treat kids, there's a leak in the raft. Oh, no. The horse's tail is flapping because it cuts right where the butthole would be. Uh-oh. And what does Wendy do when she sees the whole thing fucking go? She just starts. Kids start running around and grabbing balls and playing with them. And she's like. Oh. Oh, you have to rent those. So there's a bunch of kids grabbing balls and playing with them. Is that what you just said, Sean? It is literally midnight.

So all the kids are fondling the balls. Yes. And Wendy is like, there's no way the sensors are going to be okay with this much innuendo. And she starts grabbing kids and hauling them away like, no, you got to rent those. Let go of those balls. And during this completely I'll-advised bit, the stairs case is open for you to run up. Run up them. Run up. Run up. We do it. You do it.

And roughly five to maybe seven or eight minutes later, because Fenton's nursing some crushed balls and Clover's burping up chlorine every once in a while. Yeah, we have to stop to let him dry heave. Franklin's shorts are still on backwards. Yeah. My balls. Fenton's shorts are on backwards too. And it's really tight. And you get all the way up to the top. And Cal's at the top. He's like, you guys made it. Welcome to the top of the serpent. What? Do you do every job? What the fuck?

Super short staffed here at the crystal pool. Well, where's Seamus? He's like, oh, you don't have to worry about me. Clover Ivy Fern. There you are. I've never been late for a challenge, except when I had to challenge my own expulsion from public school. And I heard that failed. It did. That's why I'm here. Anyways, are you ready to race? And he has. Are you ready to lose? I am not, which means that I won't. Well, then you're unprepared for what's about to happen.

I think you're unprepared mentally for the fact that you're wrong about what I'm prepared for. I don't think you know what that means. You failed at school. And you ate my nuts. How do those taste, you motherfucking bitch head? This kid is getting more and more intense with every passing day. What do you get up to in that chocolate shop dump you live in? I don't know. What do you get up to with all those fucking wieners that you hang around? They are bratwurst. No, those wieners.

And he points to Cobb and Lobb. What was the other guy's name? Kristoff. Kristoff and Cobb. And Cal's like, all right, so here are the rules. First one to get to the end wins. And there are no rules. But the first one to get to the end wins. Anything else? No rules. Except for the one rule. Are we clear that there are no rules? Holy shit. Wow. I'm ready to go. Fucking God. What are the rules? First one to get to the end. Wrong. There are no rules. But first one to get to the end wins. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Seems like a rule. It's more like a agreement. That's not a rule. It's an agreement. All right. So like every contest, the first one who gets there wins. That sounds a lot like a rule. It's more like a loose understanding. Okay. But there are no rules. There are no rules. All right. Saddle up, kids. And there's like two, you know, the like water slide. The water's pouring out of the top. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's that real feeling of anticipation that kids get. Yeah.

That's the cowboy dual music. A hobnoblin cartwheels past. The whole pool like stops. Yeah. They turn the music off on the PAs. Everyone looks up. Anticipation. Franklin's terrified. It's way too high up. He like looks and like tries to like do something cool and like finger gun at Mindy, but he accidentally flips her off. She crosses her arms. And you see her do a gesture that illustrates. What the fuck are you doing? How do we want to handle this? A group action, I guess. I guess it's a group.

So you would all be making the same role. Yeah. And then whoever gets the highest, that's the one you go with. Like, what about finesse? Because we want to be fast. Yeah. Are we on the same slide or two separate slides right side by side? Oh, we're separate. They're separate, but they like they have the same moves, but it's like mirrored. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. So you'll launch at the same time. And then whoever gets to the bottom first wins. Yeah. There's a loop-de-loop. It goes upside down. Whoa.

Hmm. That's the scariest part for sure. Mm-hmm. That's usually when your skeleton falls on your body. Okay. So this is going to be a group action. Who's leading it? I will lead it. So everybody's rolling prowess. Okay. With finesse because you've determined that it's finesse. But if you have a different skill that also works, you just got to let me know. Can you not intimidate them into like being worse at their job? I mean, yeah. Yeah. You get it. Yeah. You definitely can.

I think that could definitely work. That's fine with me. So it'll be Franklin is leading the action. What skill are you actually using? Command. I guess it's like trying to scare them also being like two of my cousins died on this thing. Yeah. Totally. My grandma wrote this and she went so fast she went to the spirit world and never came back. My grandma wrote this and she went so fast she went through menopause. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My grandma went down on this and not a lot happened. But if you win, I will beat the shit out of you. The pool will run bright red with your blood. All right. Yeah, that works. So yeah, roll your commander. So resolve. Yeah, I have one. Four command. Great. Two. Three.

One. Shit. So the lowest is three, which is a failure. Yeah. Great. So. Franklin's like, this one's for you, Mindy. Yells from the top. Yeah. Mindy. And you throw yourself down the entrance of the serpent and immediately just hear. And it's amplified. Franklin's like, Fenton. It's not me. I mean, my tummy doesn't feel good, but that wasn't me. I've been holding it in. And it's amplified by the way the tube goes up into this channel. So it's just. It's echoing throughout the whole park.

It's the mouth of the serpent. Yeah. It's like. It hits the resonant frequency of the slide. Yeah. We become the laughing stock. We're trying to impress everybody. Yeah, exactly. And it's this fart sound for like a long time. Yeah. Like five straight minutes. And then you slowly come rolling out. We all have each other's boogers on our face. Yeah. And by the time you get to the bottom, the raft. Isn't even with you anymore.

The three of you just come somersaulting out of the mouth of the serpent and land flat on your backs. And Wendy, the security guard, is standing over top of you. Says, you three, you're out. Okay. And I'm like, okay, well, no reason to hold this in anymore. You just start throwing up. No, I'm having diarrhea. Oh, no. And throwing up. It's just. And it's like the thing from Caddyshack where everyone's just like, get the fuck out of the pool. Like everyone just starts. The whole water park.

There's so much. The mints are like, you know, when you like put Mentos in Coke. It's like that's the effect it's having on everything that I ate. And people are just running out of the pool in droves. Droves. Droves. It's pandemonium. And even Seamus and the hot meat boys are running out with their shark. And they've got a big thing that says your membership. And as you're running out, Mindy sees you, Franklin, running out and just shakes her head. And he's nodding his head.

She's shaking her head harder. And we cut many hours later to the cool tree kids inside the sugar shack, still in their swim clothes. Clover's got chlorine water roiling around in her stomach. Fenton is barely recovered from his third bout of diarrhea this evening. And Franklin Stein is just demoralized. And he brought the Franklin brought the horse. Get that out of our house. No, I want to fix it up.

I'm laying in my hammock, staring at the painting of Seamus crying into my pillow and comforting myself with the newspaper. Horoscopes that say that my love life will be looking up next week as Mercury slides into Saturn. And hot. Mercury slides. Yeah. So hot. And because we're in the house of Leo, it means things are going to be looking bright. I don't know. She's saying this to herself as she cries into her pillow. Yeah. Things are going to be looking bright.

They'll be looking bright for me next week. Oh. Fenton. I've drawn a pig with pants on. And I go to both Franklin and Clover. I'm like, this is for you. A symbol of what we tried to do today. We might not have succeeded. But this pig's name is Monica. Oh, thanks. It looks really good, bud. Thanks. You really took a hit in the nards, didn't you? It hurts so much. It does, doesn't it? It feels like they're in my butt. Any final thoughts from Franklin?

He's like, guys, I know we didn't do what we set out to do today. And I can't help but feel a little bit responsible. And that it was also both of your fault. But. What? I wasn't a total loss. I want to show you something. And then he climbs in behind the wall. And then he goes up onto his little, like, platform where all the plants are. And there's, like, a little walkway that goes out over top. And they're like, oh. And they can see him. And he's, like, breathing.

And he's like, he's never been that high before. Oh. He's like, guys. He takes a big breath. He closes his eyes. And then opens them. And then walks out on the walkway. Whoa. You can take heights now. Franklin. We can have sunset dinners up there now. That's so nice. Every shitty diarrhea cloud has a silver lining. You can't win them all. But sometimes you have personal victories. And that's what we learned today with the Cool Treat Kids.

And that's where we're going to end it for this adventure. Thanks for joining us, everybody, for Spoutmore Mall Brats. Which would absolutely not be possible without the support of you, our wonderful patrons. Thanks to Duam Figueroa for creating World of Blades based on Blades in the Dark by John Harper. Thanks to you for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of the Cool Treat Kids. Always up to no good.

So tiny and greedy And angsty they be As they navigate crime and puberty And though our journey may be like a conclusion We will not leave you alone We will not leave you alone We will not leave you alone We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to the chocolate store As the Cool Treat Kids plan their next score And for you I'll gladly spout more So positioning and effect still do exist. Okay. But they're not…

I think what was screwing me up was I didn't really understand the difference mechanically between them. I think a position is like 69. That's a position. And then the effect is that you come hard. Same time. That's Abdul laughing uproariously at his own joke. I love you too. I know. But she's laughing quieter. That's the only way I understand. I understand the rules. Yes. Yeah, that's actually a good… That's a great…

So is there a way that I can describe positioning and effect, the different positions and effects? I already did it. No, no, no, no, no. What I'm saying is… I'll do a different one. Yeah. A position is like… A number 11. You're not… You're not helping. Yeah, 11 when you're both laying… Yeah. Perfectly still. Arrows straight next to each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In between you. In a bunk. Yeah. On your backs. Yeah. Facing the ceiling. Yeah. Toes to the gods. Yeah. And…

Tuck your dick, everyone. Have a good night. Hi, I'm Simon. I'm G. And I'm Boof. Have you heard about Pickaxe's hit new old movie podcast, Yomp? We each have a list of six films we want to share. Every week, we roll a dice to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss. MC Bunkerwelt says, this trio is perfect for a movie podcast. G is the casual that has the mainstream movies. Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems. And Boof is the cellar goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper.

Messiah Jones says, such a fan of this podcast. I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry. G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes. And Simon can be a real curmudgeon. But the three work together well enough to keep the flow and make a good product. Serenity Indeed says, love this podcast so far. But the audio is all over the place. It goes from quiet at the start of a sentence. To loud in the middle. Every time somebody stops talking for even half a second.

Their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again. It's very distracting. Edit, this audio issue was with my laptop. Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms. Yomp.

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corndog addiction Benton's the sly, she sleeps the same And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Hi everybody and welcome to Spoutmore Mall Brats I'm your game master Sean O'Hara And playing Clover Ivy Fern Jessica Welcome Playing Franklin Stein Paul Oppers Hey, how's it going?

And playing Fenton Beasley Abdul Aziz Hey, hi everybody And there it is Hi It's been so long since we've recorded this, I'm excited Should we listen to an 80s song to get pumped? Yeah Let's listen to a few Jessie's Girl? Oh Oh, I think we're alone now Is there a song about a big market? Uh, no Oh yeah, and we can talk about specifically what we want to do Or do people, maybe we should talk now I want to do big markets People want to do big markets?

Yeah, let's do big markets Yeah, I want to do big markets Do a BM I was going to ask you, I was like, what is BM? Does anyone know what BM is? Oh, there you go Why would I write BM? Like, I was going to remember So something I will say about big market, at least as far as I'm concerned Is the goal is pretty nebulous Like, it's not like a score You're not trying to rob somebody You're just trying to make money Yeah, we're just trying to sell as much as we can Is this the time to like intro it?

Yeah, it's time to introduce the concept of big market So big market is something that we've talked about extensively off mic But what big market is, is it is a I'm going to say four times a year Everybody in the mall basically pulls their shit out of storage And creates a mall-wide bazaar Instead of going in individual stores It's quote-unquote open air In as much as anything in the mall is open air There's food, there's music, there's entertainment And the idea Because most of the economy inside the mall is purely Spearbucks Is the idea is to draw as many people from outside the mall Inside the mall So they spend actual physical hard currency So everybody's out trying to make a buck And the kid gangs They take that currency and they trade it For Spearbucks Where they give it to the food court And the food court trades it like one for two Yeah Because the food court, they can use it but we can't Yeah Yeah, it's a great opportunity for the people to use it Yeah, it's a great opportunity for the people to use it Yeah, because you can make a bunch of Spearbucks But the adults often just trade in currency Yeah And that's the thing too Is if you make a couple bucks and you don't care It holds a lot of weight with the older people Yeah The kids are just giving it away Yeah To get Spearbucks in return Yeah And that's like It's also like a way for the kid gangs to be like On the radar of the Yeah It's like whoever Down the most coin Whoever makes the most trades in the most Gets more opportunities Yeah Gets more responsibilities More respect Yeah With Orange Julius The Taco Bell Yeah Harvey Sorry That's really funny They all have these like intense Like kind of illusion names And he's Harvey Don't fuck with Harvey He's insane He'll give you the double pickle I think the mall's kind of like the Kowloon Walled City That you can go to and you can go to the mall That used to be in Hong Kong Where they're just like The merchants and the criminals have enough sway That the city just stays out Yeah And it kind of runs like a normal mall For the most part Totally I'm so excited When last we left our heroes The Cool Treat Kids Had infiltrated the Crystal Pool Yes And a variety of things happened Let's go through it What happened?

One, they broke in Broke in Two, they ran into Seamus Seamus And the Hot Meat Boys Mm-hmm Who had also broken into the pool I think we humiliated them a little bit Yeah Humiliated Humiliated them I think they also humiliated us By throwing a hot dog at me Oh, shit I'm sorry No, it's fine I like that We humiliated them by throwing my nuts at their faces Oh, yeah Remember?

You launched me Oh, shoot Yeah And Seamus flipped upside down in his Tubi And was stuck underwater for a little bit We did the water slide Yeah The race Yeah, that was the main thing Is you did a water slide race And lost Sad And the Hot Meat Boys said, fuck you The Hot Meat Boys won the one-year certificate to Crystal Pool Yeah Can't believe it And the spa and everything Something I will say about that card Is it is a physical card Ooh Ooh Side mission, get that card Yeah, steal it Possession is nine-tenths of the law It's like bearer bonds Whoever has it, you get to use it I like it Franklin made a connection with a potential dance partner Yeah I'm hoping Mindy Cart Mindy Cart Young lifeguard Potential love interest?

Not as young as Franklin She's 16, I think, right? Yeah And you are a few bits away I'm just a little bit off of that By three years?

Yeah Which is quite a significant three years Yeah, when you're only 13 Yeah And that was It was a pretty loose conversational I spent a lot of time in a bathroom With that man, with his many wives Right With the rest of us The wife guy Little bit of Monica Yeah, a little bit of Monica Monica was his first wife It was a pig that was wearing pants And that was what I gave you guys At the end of the adventure It was a drawing of a pig wearing pants And you got over your fear of heights But finally Yeah Man We did get up to a lot It was a nice character building kind of session Yeah And it's a brand new day for the Cool Trick It's one thing that still exists In World of Blades Is heat and entanglements Okay That is now like a combined thing You basically just You roll some die You do a fortune roll And depending on the result The highest result That's the thing that happens Cool So the heat like summertime Yeah, like summertime heat And entanglement's romance?

Yeah Okay Summertime romance Is this something you genuinely believe Or is this a joke that you're making? Kind of both Honestly, a heat and an entanglement Could be A romantic entanglement A dangerous liaison Yeah, it does That'd be fun It's You know what?

It's a dangerous liaison Entanglements are complications From the last Uh Thing Yeah And heat is how much heat Your crew pulled By being like reckless Yeah Like how much How much are people Paying attention to us And you want them To not pay attention to you at all That's ideal By like yeah Especially the cops Yeah But also Our crew's a little bit We're a little We're a little bit Look at us Totally We don't have a lot But pride Fenton genuinely Always carries a cane sword Yeah Yeah Good morrow Gentlemen I have to practice accents The cane sword helps This nine year old kid Walking around the mall He's always got a sword on him People think it's a cane Yeah, but he keeps it In his belt Like a sword When he pulls it out He goes It doesn't make the noise It's pretty shitty You have to make it for it It just goes It's full of pudding To make sure It goes in and out I did put a lot of pudding In there Yeah, one time Should keep that In a container next time You can't just put loose Pudding in your pocket Why This is the container I chose Ugh You're not the one That has to do your laundry Right There's so many Pudding streaks Down the side of the leg At least switch to vanilla It just looks like cum Okay So how this works Is we do a fortune roll Which is one die Plus one D If the target Was high profile It was not But if the thing Was loud and chaotic Which it absolutely was Yeah, the fart Yeah And then the shit That happened afterwards That's how it always happens First comes a shit Fart Yeah Fuck That's the thing You never know It's always a risk Guys, I have to go To the bathroom I don't really know I gotta go So!

Here's what we do We roll these two die And whatever the highest result is That determines what happens Oh Six Oh no Is that That seems like a really good thing No No No Oh, why not?

It's for heat Oh, so we got six spicy Yeah The higher the spicier Oh, and Okay So a six is A crew member gets interrogated Slash the crew suffers reprisals Oh, we get grounded I got interrogated last time I don't think it's interrogated I don't think it's interrogated I don't think it's interrogated This time Because you weren't You weren't trying to commit a crime I think it's more like reprisals Because I think you've run into The hot meat boys enough And fucked with specifically Seamus Seamus That he's probably like That's enough These kids fucking suck Do the boys Yeah That's enough Thank you So I think it is One Summer morning It's summer now The hot meat The cool treat kids awake In the back room of the sugar shack Benton comes out of his Safe And it slams Oh god It's so hot in there in the summer The chocolate bars that you left Are just melted It's all over my face How we make pudding And so you reach You get out of your safe You reach for your Motivation bar You always leave outside the safe And it's gone What the fucking shit is this?

Frankly you Titty twisting Little Fucking dick hole Sucking piece of shit Whoa He's I'm still asleep I am having a sugar tantrum Yeah totally And you You start storming into the back But you pass like Behind the counter So you can see the rest of the The store Uh huh And there's Hunched over your chocolate bar That's jamming it into its maw Is a hobnoblin Fuck And the door Is wide open Wait Which one? The front door is wide open How did they disarm all the fucking crossbows?

You can go check Okay yeah I I Fucking Wait Uh There's a hobnoblin there Yeah yeah yeah I was like I take the cane sword And I smack it Hard Okay Roll Prowess I guess Okay so I rolled two And I take the lowest That is correct So four Yeah four is a partial success Uh So you Just go up and you start Smacking This hobgoblin With your cane sword Get Off Of my Chocolate And it Uh It Is It gets smacked a couple times And it's weird little potato body Like It looks really squishy You hit it and it goes But it pops back out And it goes And it grabs your arm And it chomps on you Oh I wake up Like I'm running in Yeah What's going on?

Help me You see this hobnoblin On Fenton's arm He's spinning now He's trying to get it off Smashing it into cabinets and stuff Holy shit I grabbed the closest thing That's like a bucket or a net And try and capture this hobgoblin Yeah that sounds like a skirmish to me Great Six and five Six You You snatch it up What do you do? Got it I uh Wallop it against the counter a little bit Nice Yeah Just to calm him down And it stops It stops moving for a little bit Yeah No did you kill it?

No no no no no no no no Maybe How the fuck did this get in here? What happened to the door? Close the door Can we inspect this? The door? Yeah if you can inspect You can inspect the door You can go outside Every piece of booby trap Slash lock Technology that you have Has been destroyed God damn Who could have done this? The vending machine The glasses smashed in What the fuck?

We've been vandalized Yeah your hideout For the moment Is no longer secure No Hobnoblins couldn't have done this No this was someone else On the floor In front of The sugar shack Is a single Uncooked Hot dog I pick it up And start eating it Wait don't eat that Who could have done this?

You're eating the evidence Hand it over I drop it Seamus I smell it Smells like Axe body spray Seamus I know I'm gonna get you And I break the hot dog in half It doesn't Like Satisfying There's no satisfying snack Just wet So yeah That's the situation The reprisal was Seamus and his crew Have destroyed Your locks How do they do it so quietly? You were in a floor safe Oh yeah That explains why I didn't wake up What the fuck is wrong With you guys?

I think back to the previous night And what was she doing The previous night? I was testing out Uh Candies That I was making What did they do?

One of them was definitely The mushroom jelly And I passed out And she was snoring so loud that she was like I'm glad that I stuffed toilet paper in my ears You drugged yourself by accident Yeah Alright This should give me a nice mellow buzz I am mostly Oh face down snoring is the worst It just echoes off the floor It reverberates I have like the grooves from the wood in my forehead Oh man You look like a scarecrow Shut up Couldn't hear it because Venton was in a floor safe Clover had accidentally drugged herself And she was snoring so loud That Franklin Stuffed shit in his ears He was like Should I I mean one of us should be on He was like We've got crossbows Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak He shoved them in way too far They might be stuck in there Who could have done this?

You guys just thought that he was excited Yeah So I think that happens And then you have your down time Oh yeah let's do down time So that's like yeah A couple days out of the night After the crystal pool race Your shit gets destroyed Fuck Yeah And then you have a few weeks until big market We're so vulnerable right now Yeah Our down time Did we fix it in our down time? Yeah That's what I was gonna say yeah I think we gotta do the hat Okay So how do we fix stuff?

Okay so here's how down time works How does game happen?

That's what I That's what Venton says First things first After the score you receive your share of the loot No you don't you lost Deal with any entanglements and loose ends That's already happened Clear your armor boxes So everybody gets their armor And take two of the following down time actions Clear one harm box Indulge in your vice to clear three stress Tick a long term project clock Get a new asset Or gather information And I would say that I would let you all Work on the same long term project Oh Like if you wanted a single clock You could potentially And I'm gonna be an asshole and say that it's six ticks So you would have to spend all of your down time activities Fixing To fix this So we could say Our long term project Right now Is to fix the Yeah As a rules boy Can I just like Tell you what I would do?

Yeah Cause you both get two You all get two actions We get two?

Yes Oh this is easy So you So but you only get one point per One tick per thing So if you used all of them You could finish it now Or each of you can use one of those To get halfway And then you can clear stress You can clear stress You can get something to secure the door So we have Fix Yeah We have fixed the hideout And then we all clear a bit of stress Yeah And the next episode The hideout would be fixed Okay Cause we get two down time action Yeah Okay I get it Oh Alright let's do that Cool Yeah It's a lot of boarded up things Yeah So what is this montage of you all Working on fixing it halfway look like?

I wanna feel the heat with somebody For somebody to love me What this scene is just Fixing the hideout Fixing the hideout I'm just like Fenton taking a shit He's just thinking to himself While he's shitting Um I've stolen a bunch of floorboards From like an empty store And I'm like cutting them Mostly like kicking them in half Cause we don't have a saw And how we're doing it is Fenton is holding the wooden board Karate style And being like Okay just don't kick me in the face again And then when I get tired We switch And he like karate chops And I'm like That's so funny We don't get through any board When it's my turn I just get tired That's why we have to do it On your shit break So you don't feel offended It sounds a lot like People are breaking boards Out there Yeah Franklin stole A bunch of mops And brooms And he's whittling them down Into spikes And putting them Angled towards the doors Sick Yeah Creating a palisade Totally Yeah I don't know Fuck this is not My strong suit What if I I go in What was the name of that Dishwasher that we met A couple episodes ago Oh my god I don't remember Yeah Yeah I can figure it out I do not remember If you guys wait two seconds Borbo Borbo Borbo Borbo Borbo I wonder why we couldn't Remember that name Borbo Borbo Let me go ahead I didn't think he was Gonna fucking come back Why don't we just make up A new character No it's correct Borbo Borbo Borbo Borbo Borblo Yeah Borbo Borbo Borblo Just call him Borbo Yeah he's Borb You just call him Borb B3PO Yeah B3 Three B's Yeah Yeah Three Well I'm technically on Borbo Borbo Borblo The third So I'm 3B3 3B3 I like him It's a proud name So I go talk to him Okay I'm like hey what's up Borbo Nothing just doing my job Just been washing dishes We're in a kitchen I guess Yeah he's just He's hosing down dishes How do you keep getting in here Man nobody pays attention to me And also when they notice me They try not to I'm gonna be honest I didn't realize you were there For like a couple minutes I kept tugging on your apron Is that what that was Um you said you wanted If we ever had like another job for you You'd be down for it And he drops a bunch of dishes They break And he goes what You paying Yeah Hell yeah What is it You know what Doesn't matter Lead the way little man Okay let's go And he just walks away And then wait Before we leave the The kitchen I'm like Can you give me a ride On your shoulders Back to the hideout Oh yeah sure thing Little guy Then we walk through The food court like this Yeah And he walks Free as a bird He walks by a A portly man With a little mustache And like a manager's vest And he says Rick I'll be back in 15 Go fuck yourself And he walks out the door And you just see Rick go Huh Okay Wait what restaurant Was he working at It's a It's a themed restaurant It's a wizard themed restaurant And it's called Poofs Poofs Yep It's called Poofs Poofs And it is I'm gonna go ahead and write that down So I don't forget it Poofs The wizard themed restaurant Manager Rick Manager Rick Dishwashing employee Formerly What was his name again Borbo Borblum Borbo Right yeah That's not it Borbo Borblum Borbo Borblow The third So it's The first name doesn't have an L in it Borbo Borbo Borbum Borbum Borblow Borblow Yeah Yeah so Borbo's like What are we doing It's like we need Fucking security At the sugar shack Oh Word I can do that no problem You're the biggest guy I know And you're also Down for most things That is absolutely true You've quit multiple jobs Without even hearing What I My pitch is Oh I technically Didn't quit that job What I'll be back later In 15 I can I bullied Rick into leaving I can bully him into giving my job back Okay Poofs is short staffed All the time I can't believe we're sticking to this name Yeah I'm not changing that name I will remember Poofs Okay It's one of those places Where all the waiters are like Welcome to Poofs Where your magical dreams come true And then they do like some Some stage magic It's like shenanigans basically Exactly Yeah Yeah It's like okay Yeah We can't pay for You and money And he stops Dead in his tracks What do you mean?

Well we just don't have Any of that stuff Uh huh We have a lot of chocolate though Uh huh Is that good enough? No Is it good enough Is it down payment And then we can maybe Make some money You've got sway We're going to big market soon No this is a This is a This is a down time activity So you're gonna get it Uh huh You just gotta convince him Uh Oh wait how much chocolate?

I don't Fuck I can give you Six If you had to ballpark In like square feet I don't know I don't know And then he looks At his own feet Cause he doesn't Understand that measurement So he starts He remembers It's like square feet And he starts like Doing a square dance move That his mom taught him once But he's on Borbo's shoulders So his legs Are just kicking In front of Borbo's This much chocolate And like Come on man We're in fucking danger You're the only person I know that can help us And we'll give you chocolate I need you to tell me How much chocolate There's literally A fucking pile of it In the back You can eat As long as you're On shift Oh you should've said so You should've led With that little guy And he's running Chocolate buffet I'm like God stop running so much I don't have I only had one Of my motivation bars This morning And yeah So you get there And Borbo Borbo Borbo the third Is willing to do Physical security He runs into The sugar shack While I'm still On his shoulders And I slam Into the top Of the doorway Son of a I'm in my head Borbo's like 20 Yeah Like he seems So old to all of you But he's only 20 And he's just like A big dumb jock I imagine him Bursting into the sugar shack Franklin's head Or Fenton's head Smashes into the top And he goes What's up nerds That means Fenton Fell face down Into the cayenne pepper Yep Oh my god What the fuck Happened to the doorway He just picks you up By the scruff Of your shirt And wipes some Off your face Puts it on his tongue Cayenne Nice touch Oh no I don't know To what To the Butt I like it And I tell these guys The situation's like Borbo is gonna Be security for us And he's flexing The whole time You're talking This is awesome He just All he wants to do Is eat chocolate While he's on shift Oh totally Help yourself Through that door Hey Borbo How do you feel About the hot meat boys Who Doesn't know We gotta give him A rundown of who To look out for Okay Montage As we try PowerPoint Idiot Here's a bunch of Drawings of Seamus There's a hot dog And a stick man We have We have so many Drawings of Seamus And no one else Oh we have They're trying to draw And then Oh my god And I imagine One of you guys Stole my diary And you're like Reading excerpts From it And I'm like No No Looking back While you're in the toilet It's like He comes running Back into the room That's mine Snatches the diary Punches me In the face Yeah Give me that And then you guys Had my painting Of him too I'm like I'm running away With it Just so I know How much to hate him Yeah Alright so that is What gain an asset And that asset Is temporary security That's pretty good That's fucking cool Yeah So there's So you've each spent One on a segment Of the clock Yeah So there's three Segments filled Gain an asset From Fenton Which is physical security As performed by Borbom Borbom Borblo The third He insists on You calling him The full name Yeah No he doesn't He goes by Borb Borb I like him We gotta get this guy Costumed Yeah I'm in a guard's uniform He's just dressed Like a pirate What's the outfit Borb No hold on Here's what I'm thinking I'm thinking That the most important Aspect of physical security Is your assailant Because there will be Assailants Knowing what kind Of threat they're up against Easiest way to do that Show them some skin No sleeves Hear me out No pants No bottom To the shirt Not much on the top So they can see The pecs too Yeah On the bottom Most of the legs visible I got some pants I can snip those up I'm sitting behind him Like cutting stuff up And doing seamstresses Pitching it to these two But Fenton already knows He's like yeah So we're gonna do this There's a sewing machine there And he's just like Snip snip snip Oh you're sewing it too My mom taught me How to do all this stuff I've mostly sewn Turtle costumes Fenton you're so talented If I'd known this I would have Wouldn't wear All of my stuff All of my clothes You could fix My underwear maybe I don't want to No They're your only pair I'll just wash them Will you though?

Yes Yeah so that's it After a while Borbo comes out And he's just got A strip of fabric Across the nips It says Cool treat kids on it Yeah And on the back It says security KTK So what is Describe the costume It is literally Just like A meaty 20 year old jock With a black strip Of fabric across Like a Like a What are the Tube top Bralette Like a bralette Yeah And then Black cut off shorts It looks like He's in a Girls Gone Wild video And then we just wrote Security on the back of him So I'm wearing security Across his butt Yeah And he's got Little smoked lenses That he wears too And he's standing in front Of the place With his arms crossed Can you describe him A little bit Because I don't know What he looks like Yeah He is about my height So like 6'1", 6'2 He's really broad He's kind of pale And he's that buff That people were Before they figured out Like how to exercise Different muscle groups Oh okay So he's just like thick Yeah He's a big heavy boy And he's Just kind of A weird looking guy He looks like Did you guys ever have Those nerds That got really into Weight lifting at high school Yeah Yeah So he looks like a nerd That got really into Weight lifting And he's only been doing it For a couple years But it's working out Cool Yeah And he's very confident Because of it Yeah Cool I like it That's what we need You're hired Well obviously We already made you A costume so And he's He's standing there With his arms crossed In front of the doorway And every once in a while He goes He puts his hand On his gut You can use The nice bathroom I'm going to Okay And I As he does that I talk to these guys And I was like See it was kind of a trick Because I know That you can't eat more Than three of those That are having wild diarrhea Nice job Nice job Wait so your plan Was to give your only Form of physical security Intermittent diarrhea Hindsight's 2020 Motherfucker I don't see you Trying to come up With a fucking Security expert I'm talking to myself I guess Yeah Okay great Yeah so you've got security Borb's going to keep Stuff out For now But you're going to need To figure out A long term solution So what are Franklin and Clover doing For like Calming our stress Yeah Is it only by vice That we can calm stress Yes Uh oh Alright well I'm just Going to take a walk Because I I also want to see How big market Is being set up Oh yeah Yeah So yeah Going to take a walk And I'm like Nice They've got the tents Up and everything And I see what's going on Yeah so Clover's Walking through the mall And people are like Getting ready Yeah they're like Cleaning out There's a lot of tents Being aired out Because they all Get put away From everywhere Yeah Stages being Set up All that stuff Yeah Is Lone Tree Hill Ooh Are they like Are they still Like a thing Or is Oh it's right Because we don't know What time I'd say it's It's like 40 years ago Yeah so what's a What's an 80s Sitcom That would have An 80s teen drama That would have A theater society What about Elf This is called Elf Oh that's Pretty Okay yeah It's about a family That has a Pet like elf Like a potato elf An elf lives with them And it's wacky It is wacky I gotta Go to work Elf took apart My car again And ate my Chocolate tires Alright yeah That's perfect Yeah That's so Fucking funny Yeah I'm excited For that I'm the elf I love to eat Cats or something Yeah there's gonna be A dress rehearsal Right now Yeah so there's A little guy And there's like A middle aged man And his Two attractive Wife for who This man Is played by And they're all Running It's the opposite It's this Super attractive guy Ugly wife Yeah And it's that Classic like Oh my god I can't believe We have My boss is coming Over for dinner And elf Is Laying eggs I guess Elves have a Cloaca That's the thing Is people It's having a Cuban dance party In the oven How are we gonna Make a That's what Clover sees As she walks by And she's just like Wow Elf is hilarious So wait How does Does Clover like elf Oh yeah She loves elf So I'm watching This for a bit And I'm like This is sick And now I'm all like Pumped Ready for big market And I spot like Where our section's Gonna be Which is We don't have a Permit That's what most Of the kids Have to deal with Is like We don't have Permits So we just have to Like Kind of pick a spot And the other And, yeah, so I spot out where we're going to be, and I just write my name on the floor.

Yep. What's the area you, like, scope out? What's on either side? Okay, so on one side is, like, a nice mom lady who's knitting a bunch of hats. I like the look of her. She didn't scowl at me, so I was like, great. Is that cool? Great sign. And knitted wizard hats? Yeah. That's really cool. And then on the other side is, what would be funny? Live snakes. I haven't thought of him as dead snakes. Ooh, but it's, like, a cool, like, weird Panusian snake, so it's kind of spooky. Like a pet shop?

Yeah, it's, like, a dude that's, like, an independent guy that sells snakes. Yeah, and actually, that's why the knit hat lady is so far away from him, because she doesn't like snakes. She's fine with you going in between them, because it keeps her away. She's fine with you going in between them, because she doesn't like snakes. Do you mind if we set up here? Oh, I am so glad somebody asked. Okay. I cannot stand the sight of those things.

Yeah, do you think he's going to keep them in a cage, or are they just going to slither around like that? I sure hope so. Something I've heard about those Panusian snakes is they can just wink out of sight. I'm worried about that. They're song snakes. What does that mean? When they slither, they make, like, a humming sound. Oh, yeah. Cool. Can we establish that? Franklin's going to like that. No, it's… I just came up with… Yeah.

And the vibrations that they make that play the music vibrate the air around them and bend light, and you can't see them. Oh, so when they start slithering, they become invisible? And you hear music. So Panusian forests are fucking terrifying. And you can actually make music by, like, putting different snakes in a cage together, where it's like, these are the ones. And then it's like… That's what the guy always says, too. He has, like, little ShamWow-style presentations, where he's like…

The thing is, is that if you take a bunch of snakes and put them together, they play a song. And you just gotta… You gotta buy a bunch of them. More snakes, more songs. Yeah, I bet. Okay, bye. See you later. Okay, yeah. I head to the food truck. Oh, song snake. Cool. I'm gonna call them harp snakes. Good name. Harp snake guy, whose name is… Dwight. Dwight. Is he… Are you doing a southern accent or an Australian accent? Australian. It's kind of in between. It's like Forrest Gump.

Forrest Gump with a bunch of stuff in my mouth. Yeah, that's Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump is more one of these. Oh, sorry. He's got a dumb southern gentleman voice. And always cold. It's no time to die. That's great. You ain't got no legs. Maybe it's funnier if I just do a Forrest Gump voice. I think we… Yeah, sure. Maybe. We'll see. When we talk to Dwight, we'll see if it's important. I like the voice that you're doing. My name's Dwight. Yeah. I got all these schnikes and a big…

I got a big bag. Somebody left them outside my house. Yeah. Trying to make a quick buck before somebody finds their schnike bag. He's got to be worth some money. It's like no country for old men, but a big bag of schnikes. Oh, man. That's great. All right. So that's Dwight. We got Dwight, the harp snake guy on one side, and Yolinda, the knit hat lady on the other side. And Clover is still on her way to engage in her vice. Which is the corn dogs. Corn dogs. And you know what?

Clover catches a break. Seamus isn't there. Thank God. Hello. Hi. Can I have one corn dog, please? I don't know if I'm supposed to. What? Why? I was told that the Cool Treat Kids are persona non grata. What does that mean? It means person no likey. What? That's what it means. But I have money, and I like… I'm a customer. Don't you want my money? How much are corn dogs usually in Spearbucks? One? One. One. One. One. One. One.! One. One. One. One. One. One. One. One. One. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Three Spearbucks. Are you freaking effing kidding me? Hey, I'm taking a big risk by serving you. If Seamus found out, he would just he'd wrap my little knuckles so bad. Well, you know what? Tell Seamus that I'm your guys' best customer, and you just lost a customer for life. So I flip him the bird.

He flips you the bird And I flip several birds And it's eventually both of you Just showing all of your fingers To the other person Flexing That's such a kid thing These are all birds Imagine I have ten middle fingers And they're all facing you And tell Seamus That I flipped all ten of my middle fingers I would never Well you better Or I'm gonna friggin tell on you No no I'm gonna tell on you No I'm gonna tell the food court That you wouldn't serve me And that I had money You would never I would do it And I'm really far away So I'm yelling this You guys have been backing up Actually I'm thinking That's a good threat Yeah Like I think the food court is like If you ever turn a paying customer Away from a restaurant That is like one of the worst things You can do So the kid is like Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Come back come back come back Why should I?

Come back please Why? You wouldn't tell the food court Would you?

Maybe I would Hungry lips sink ships Alright okay okay Here's what I'm gonna do Promise me that you won't tell the food court That I tried to turn away a paying customer And I'll give you Your next three corn dogs Free I promise to not tell the food court About you turning me away If you give me three Free corn dogs right now It's the same thing It's like the marshmallow problem The same thing I don't want to Give him my money That's what he offered you Is three free corn dogs No my next three Oh yeah A free corn dog The next three times you come here And you're trying to say Three corn dogs now It's the exact You're just using them all Up at once It's the exact same deal I think it's making her Be the person making the deal That's a good point I do not make the deal I do not make the deal I'm making the fucking deal here Give him right now Yeah I'm making the deal I want a worse deal Yeah Okay fine Here you go Three corn dogs Good Good Good Good Are we good?

Good Yeah Good okay Thank you Alright I'll see you next time Okay bye As you turn away He's waving And you turn away And he turns his hand around And shows you all his fingers I draw my corn dogs And I flip him all ten But I pick him up And I'm still gonna eat him So you can't Little shit rats I know Little dumb kids So you clear three stress Oh So yeah that's Clover's downtime activity Okay Franklin He's gonna go For a little Dance upset It's gonna go Out there The scaffolding Scattered everywhere So he's gonna go He's upset But also He's gonna just Twirl and And shed some tears And also he The presence of Vorbom Like he's like Oh man that guy's so jacked Okay I gotta go get jacked too A little bit like Yeah like I know he's got some years on me But he's also got a bunch of pushups So he's like Really trying to push himself Trying to go a little bit harder And he's gotta Really brush up on his dance move For Bindi Carton So he's going through All the scaffolding around the stage And doing the flips Totally And you're like dancing through Scaffolding and different booths Setting up and all that Yeah and totally And it's like Recon Yeah Doing some recon Oh what is he looking for?

He's just checking at the shit And making sure he knows What's happening behind all the carts And like where the good Egresses are Yeah Or where everything is kind of moving And where the security guards are Is there a thing in particular That he learns That he's like Oh Yeah he goes by the green room Of the cast of Elf And he gets a copy of their writer Cool So we can maybe bribe them later With some of this stuff Oh smart move Yeah The stuff that they like Yeah That's a really good idea What's on that writer?

A hundred skinned grapes A hundred grape skins A bowl full of grapes And their skins One firm handshake Per cast member It's a case of pumpernickel juice Juice? Yeah Bread juice?

Pumpernickel juice Oh yeah It's kind of like a beer But Yeah People are gross Yeah that's disgusting Yeah they're actors That's good information Okay so you're just dancing around Yeah Okay So Franklin is dancing around Doing his footloose thing And you pass by one booth That has a tall grey haired man In a black leotard And he watches you go by And he goes My word Jesus Such passion Jesus Christ Young master You Who me?

Yes you You And he like Approach me He does that thing When he like keeps his eyes on On the guy And then spins around You know does a pirouette Don't break eye contact Just a bunch of them Don't break eye contact And he gets closer And every time he spins around And meets his eyes They're a little waterier A little more wet And the guy is dancing too But in place He's kicking one leg out Kicking the other leg out His hands are coming up near his face And then back down Did you just give me ten fingers?

Where I'm from That means something else It is a symbolism for the inner passion You are tremendously skilled my young boy What is your name I must know? People call me Tux Why? He's chosen his crop top This is what this guy is telling He just pauses for a long time Why? Because of the moves? And the prestige that I bring to the dance floor?

He's dancing so much People can't believe I move like this And still make it look so good I can see why You move with the grace and fluidity of a Groom A groom A man walking down the aisle To a lifetime of Ecstasy with his loved ones Every aisle is my catwalk Have you considered A life On stage? My boy My name Is Gref Smushlin I wrote that one down You thought about this?

Sure did And I am the founder Executive director Director President And secretary Treasurer Of Gref Smushlin's Academy for the Dancing Arts You're the father of the winged ankles That is me They call me such because And he leaps up in the air And twists his ankles around And he stays up in the air For a pretty long time Like Luigi Like Luigi From Super Mario Brothers 3 No Luigi's an Italian guy we know Yeah Yeah he's a little light in the loafers You know what I mean?

He's got crazy hops He runs the pasta cart He's really nice Yeah And he'll like do a high jump Sometimes if you're nice to him To catch the pizzas They're so high up Most of them get stuck on the ceiling splat Luigi Jesus fucking Christ man Go get the pizza rake I'm sorry folks It's gonna be another 30 minutes Luigi Jesus fucking Christ man Stop that Stop throwing them so high. But it's in my heart. What am I doing? I'm like, I'm losing something inside me. I'm becoming unmoored.

It's just weird character shit now. No, it's great. I'm enjoying it. Go back to Grefg Smushlin. Smushlin. Of the Grefg Smushlin Academy for the Dancing Arts. Other dancing academies, he rates them. Like they are rated by him. Yes. Smushlin Stars. Oh! Smushlin Stars. Are we high-fiving on that? Yeah! Yeah. I am traveling these principalities, searching for the most skilled and potentious youths of the land.

Have you considered traveling to the City of Black Glass and honing your potential upon the fires of the stage, turning your body into a knife which cuts into the heart of the soul? Through dance? Through dance! I mean, is, it's always been a dream of mine to be the best dancer in the land. And why wouldn't it be? The heights you could reach, as we all know it goes. The gods, the monarchs, the skilled chefs, small business owners, the CEOs of big box stores, and then dancers.

There's a lot underneath that. It sounds like it's quite far down the list, but it's not. Oh, man. Do you think I have what it takes? I think you do. And I have never been wrong, except for one time I will not speak of. It's just that I don't want my friends to make fun of me. Oh. See, I'm seen as a bit of a tough. As was I. I was the finest… In my youth, I was the finest sharpshooter in the Firefields Principality. I served with the King's Own Crossbows for three seasons. Cool. That's…

That's three quarters of one year. Spring, summer, and fall. Spring, summer, and fall. The winter was too daunting for me. It was too dauntingly cold, and I did not have a sweater. Spring, summer, and winter. I took the fall off. I had to go home to see my mother. But then I retired, knowing that my life was one that was destined for the stage. And such could be… The life for you. I don't know why I can't… I kind of have a family here. People who depend on me.

They do not understand the fire that burns within the heart of every dunce. They don't. They don't. I've never told them. At this is the point in time that, in the far background, you can hear Clover yelling insults at the kid. It's all happening at the same time. It's like, Well, I've got ten of them for you! And you can tell Seamus, They're for him, too! And, actually, I think, if that… Does that distract Franklin? Yeah. Go, my boy. But consider what I have said. I will. I will.

I will be gone… Pon the morrow. I will have an answer for you. I promise. Thank you. Thank you… For sharing your gift. I might pick your brain about those crossbows. Please do. I still… Have my… I still like crossbows as well. It sounds like I'm all about… One thing, but I also like crossbows and baking. Now be gone! And he does that little spin and he walks away. He's just saying, be gone to himself. Hey, Smushlin. He whips around. Yes.

Backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip, backflip. He backflips away? Holy shit. And… A single tear falls from Grefg Smushlin's eye. And he goes, No! Not yet, Smushlin! And he goes, Grrr! And it's… Grrr! And it's… And it sucks back up into his face. Oh, gross. And Franklin clears three strikes. Oh, my God. This show is so fucking good. I needed Grefg Smushlin. He… The funniest character ever. That really… That really works something out inside me.

I'd leave the mall just to go… Be with this guy. That's what… Mall Brats. That's what Mall Brats is about now. Man, he carved right through… Franklin's stuff. Yeah. All right, those are the downtime activities. Wait, I have to do my… Second one. No, there's the montage. Then you got the asset of Borbo. Oh. Everybody did a tick. I thought that was how I was… I thought getting the asset of Borbo was how I was. Oh, okay. So, what are you doing then?

I was gonna try and clear some of the stress. Oh, okay. Yeah, great. Yeah. I was gonna… Because my vice is like… Writing fan fiction? Writing fan fiction for a vampire drama. Right. And it's pretty controversial because I don't understand any of the sex stuff. So, it's like whenever I write those scenes, it gets weird. And it's… And also vampires in our world are disgusting. Oh, right. Yeah. So, it's like there's a lot of gross sex stuff in it because it's just like, I'm vampire.

I want to kiss your face. And is it like they slowly turn into bats? Yeah. It's a disease that eventually turns you into a giant bat. Awful. It's like the fault in our stars kind of… Oh my God. So, early… Like early on when you contract vampirism, early on, you're kind of hot. Like it's like you're… If you're a hot person and you contract vampirism, you're hot for like a couple months. Yeah. And then you start losing your hair and then your ears start getting pointy. Oh God.

And you start shrinking. Yeah. And then you start growing more hair. Yeah. Yeah. It's gross. So, yeah. I was in the sugar shack working on like vampire drama and then I took it to Borbo and I was like, hey, can you read this and tell me how much it makes sense? Yeah, man. I'd love to. But I don't know how to read, nerd. That's almost funny. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. I don't know how to read.

That's almost funnier. Can you read this for me? No, I cannot. He just starts flexing. Holy shit. Because I can't read that. Okay, fine. I'll fucking read it to you, illiterate shit. Whoa, hey. Sorry. There are a lot of people in our world that are illiterate. There's a lot of really good skilled chefs out there who can't read a lick. It's Franklin in the store. Yeah. I think he shows up at the door. Oh, yeah. I think he's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think he shows up at the door. Oh, yeah. Is this where we're coming back? My hands are filthy from backflips. My hands are filthy from grease. Everybody's filthy. I mean, at the end of every day, the Cool Treat Kids come back disgusting. Yeah. I was really going to town on the pudding sword. The pudding sword? Yeah. The pudding that was in the sword. Oh. Yeah. I was imagining like it's a thing that you buy. Yeah. Like a go-kart.

Yeah. But it's just pudding on it. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. Yeah. I call them pudding swords. I was picturing like Quentin Tarantino style of like a sword across like, and then there's blood splatter, but it's just chocolate pudding. It's pudding. Yeah. Oh. He swings the sword. It's chocolate pudding, but it's blood.

It's a booth, and it's a guy with a sword, and he does some cool like, guy, and draws his pudding sword and splashes you with pudding. Yeah. You pay a spear book, he splashes you with as much pudding as he can. And you get to eat it. That's why I'm really dirty, because I went to the pudding sword guy earlier in the day. Taking notes. Okay. I'm gonna go and splash God's face, and then I'm gonna… Hey, do you guys have any money? I spent a lot today. I was standing behind someone that paid.

Like the fucking shit rats that we are. Wow. Oh, man. Yeah. He's a lot skinnier than I am. There's just like a clean part of your body down the middle. Yes. You can see where the splatter… This could even be a different day. Like, I like the idea that it's evening, and everybody's here, even Borbo. Borbo just kind of hangs out most of the time now. Hell yeah. And like, Fenton's on his stomach, like kicking his legs in the air, writing his fanfiction. Like, guys, I'm done.

Yeah, okay, so I go up to Borbo. Yeah, what's up, little man? Can I read this to you to like, to get your sense about how good this is? Hell yeah. It's a vampire fanfiction. Hell yeah. It's for that vampire drama. Come up with a name. Sucks to be you in brackets, I know, I know. What's that from? Sucks to be you. I know, I know. I know, I know. Yeah, that's what it is. Is this like? Yeah. Prozac. I've never heard it. Wow. We're gonna listen to some Prozac after this. Also, I…

Sorry, I just imagine Borbo, if it's a few days later, he's like brought a futon. And it's like sitting in front of the door, and he like chills on there, and he's got a sleeping bag. Yeah. He dragged a futon all the way from his apartment, just with one hand. Yeah. And he just threw it down in front of the thing and was like, what's up, kids? Yeah. You mind if I kick back? No, this is easy. This is better. We don't… You don't have to hang out.

It might look like I'm in repose, but I'm actually coiled like a viper. Anybody come up here, I'm gonna launch myself at them with deadly intent. Yeah, and then he's like, for real, Fenton, try and hit me in the face, okay? I'll close my eyes and pretend to relax, and you can see how viperous and deadly I am. And you just slap him full on in the face. Oh, it wasn't ready. Frick! All right, you're not gonna get another one, so be ready. Okay. And I smack him in the balls. No! Ugh!

All right, you know what? You're working out the kinks of my defense strategy, so I appreciate it. Every Achilles has her heel, bud. And my heel is my balls. Oh, man. This is a lot of fun. I am, like, feeling like I'm in a game of the game. I'm feeling loose. Yeah. All right. Yeah, read it out, little man. Hey, kids! Other kids! You wanna come hear this little nerd read? No, no. Yes! Fuck. Gather round. You're a really good writer. And I'm like, okay, okay.

So this is, like, last time I talked to you guys about this story, Francesca had just contracted vampirism from Domingo, who has had vampirism for a really long time. And he's, like, pretty far into the transformation. So they're, like, David, they're, like, this is, like, they're learning to love each other. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So they're walking on a moonlit shore. The seas are lapping up all of the waves.

And when the seas touch their legs, we can see the crystalline shores of the Crystal Bay crystals shimmering down in the waves. And it looks so beautiful. Oh, boy. Take a deep breath. So then Francesca, was that the name? Yeah, Francesca and Domingo. Yeah. Francesca, she looks, she holds Domingo's hand. She looks him in the hand. And he's a bat now. So he, she looks him in the hand. Looks him in the hand and he's a bat. He's a full bat. He's a bat. So it's, he's really low down.

So she's crouching down a lot. Because they're walking hand in hand on the crystal shores. Oh, boy. And so she looks him in the hand. She's like, it's a hand again. It's okay. It's a first draft. Yeah. It's fine. So she looks him in the hand. Is this Borbo? Or are you being Borbo? Yeah, Borbo's just mouth slack staring at you. So she looks him in the hand and she says, I've never seen such claws so little as these before. Sorry. The wet mouth really got me.

And he looks up into her eyes and he's like, I'm not going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And he looks up into her eyes and he says, you are my most beautiful, cherished wife because I have many because this is how vampires work. One day you will be bad, similar to me and we'll be able to have anatomically sensical sex with one another. And then she goes, describe it to me.

And at this point, even Borbo looks at Franklin. And he's like, I'm not going to do this. And then Clover like, okay. And scene. I don't know. I kind of want to hear it. So, okay. So then Domingo's like, so the sex of the vampire is much similar to that person. We touch butts and then poop into each other's butts back and forth. And such as how baby gets inside the vampire butt. And then. This is he's noticing how confused everyone is.

So that's the part I think I need the most help with because I think I don't understand what's supposed to happen there. I have some notes. And Franklin Fenton clears three stress. Okay. Can I have an eraser? That was a really fun downtime. Thanks for joining us this time, everybody for spelt more and Mall Brats. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara playing Clover Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica tie. Good night, everyone playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul offers.

They care and playing Fenton Beasley, the slide Abdul Aziz. So long. This show would literally not be possible. We're not for the amazing support of all of our Patrion supporters. Thank you. Like just genuinely. Thank you. What an incredible gift you have given us. Yeah. And in return, except this incredible gift of Mall Brats. Yeah. This one in terms of character voices got pretty out of hand. That's good. But I had a great time.

World of Blades is an RPG by Duam Figueroa based on Blades in the Dark by John Harper. You can find Blades in the Dark basically anywhere you buy RPGs and you can find World of Blades by Googling World of Blades and going through a few links to find the old version that's archived on I think RPG World or maybe contact Duam Figueroa on Twitter. We'll see you next time. Bye. And so ends the tale of the cool treat kids. Always up to no good. So tiny and greedy and angsty they be. Yeah.

As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty. As they navigate crime and puberty.

Kids plan their next score and for you I'll gladly spout more next week we roll a dice to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss MC Bunkerwelt says this trio is perfect for a movie podcast G is the casual that has the mainstream movies Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems and Boof is the salad goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper Messiah Jones says such a fan of this podcast I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes and Simon can be a real curmudgeon but the three work together well enough to keep the flow and make a good product Serenity Indeed says love this podcast so far but the audio is all over the place goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle every time somebody stops talking for even half a second their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again it's very distracting edit this audio issue was with my laptop find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp Yomp

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sit, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has her corn dog addiction Lenten's the slob, she seeks the sake And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strike Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless and close For the tale's about to start Welcome to Spoutmore, colon, Mall Brats, colon, The Return To, colon, we're back again btw.

Big market job too Oh yeah today Today we join our friends the cool treat kids At big market part 2 When last we left the cool treat kids They had spent a few hours In the mall wide flea market Known as big market Selling their wares Telling their fortunes And in Fenton's case Planning espionage I guess so corporate espionage Yeah inciting a class war Sorry this is Fenton's voice This is Fenton's voice hey We've been recording Spout Lore for 3 days Straight Straight pretty much Just trying to eat whenever we can Which me is a lot Taking dumps one after the other Whenever we can I walked into the kitchen and Jessica was eating the cream Off the top of whole milk With a spoon I'm sorry I should have shared but I really pegged out on it I shared the last one with you and you went for the second one without me I'm sorry No Paul next time I'll buy the Buy the Buy the Buy the Next time I'll buy the milk and then you get all the cream You know what Jessica I'm getting tired of your next time statements Sorry What a depression era argument that we're having right now And all of those voices that you've heard Take the form of Playing Fenton Beasley the slide Abdul Aziz Hello everybody Playing Franklin Stein the cutter Paul Oppers Oh hi And playing Clover Ivy Fern the whisper Jessica Tai Hi sorry about the cream It's okay We join the cool tree kids Uh in the middle of the night On Media's Rez Because we ended The last episode of Spoutmore Mob Rats With 10 coins of a 20 goal made Pretty incredible Pretty good And a few spear bucks Yeah five spear bucks I found a loose tic tac on the ground that I'm saving for later Was not a tic tac You're gonna regret eating that Uh can we do a flash forward are those possible Uh Fenton has his hands up against the wall in the sugar shack going I'm gonna vibrate through it I know it I'm gonna vibrate through it I know it Flash back to the big market What was that You can say Oh no Uh so okay Broad strokes highlights from big market part one Borbo Borbon Borblow has been hired as temporary security at the sugar shack After the hot meat boys destroyed all your defenses We think could have been somebody else but there was a hot dog calling card Yeah Definitely them Big market happened You have a tent in between a dwat the harp snake salesman And a dwat the harp snake salesman And a dwat the harp snake salesman And a dwat the harp snake salesman and Yulinda, who makes knit hats.

Yeah, wizard-themed knit hats. Clover spent most of her time… The first fish that she landed in her fortune-telling scam was a man named Blarth, who works part-time at Poof's, the wizard-themed restaurant, which also is the employ of Borbo Borbom Borblo. And he threw a series of trading card-styled tarot readings explaining that he sent a pretty risky letter to a girl named Vera, whom he says that he is in love with, but is currently dating Borbo.

Meanwhile, Franklin Stein, itinerant arms dealer… And… Candy salesman… And… Troublemaker… And… Dancer extraordinaire. And dancer extraordinaire, right? The downtime activities… Schmuslin… Schmuslin… Schmus… Schmus… Schmuslin… Oh, I'm so sorry. Franklin… He's my hero. How could I forget his name? Franklin… While slam-dancing through Big Market in an attempt to relieve some stress, caught the eye of legendary dancer and former sharpshooter… Grefg Schmuslin.

Easily the most interesting character in the entirety of the Spout Lore universe. Former sharpshooter, current dancer extraordinaire. Virtuoso of the stage and screen. He has a screen that he dances behind. Oh, he does shadow dancing. He casts a light on it. Silhouettes. Yeah, it's a… It's a five-star show in Black Glass. The theater community loves him. Holy shit. He gave it five Schmuslin stars. Yeah, he has his… He has his own newsletter he puts out called the Schmuslin Review.

And it just reviews his own shows. Yeah. People really respect his opinion, though, so… Because he… He has given his own show one star before. Oh, wow. Yep. Committed to the art. He said that he would be leaving on the morrow two and a half weeks ago. Yeah. He's… He… Two and a half weeks from now on the morrow. Okay, yeah. The morrow's a boat. He's kidding. Yeah. Okay, so he's… But he's still here. He's definitely still in Big Market lurking in the shadows watching. Twirling.

Fenton went and talked to… What was his downtime? I was listening to this. I went and I recruited Borbo to come work for us for as much chocolate as he could eat. But it was kind of a trick because I knew that you couldn't eat more than three bars of chocolate without having a wild diarrhea. Yeah. And you got Borbo to… To listen to you read out your vampire slash fiction. He did give me a lot of good pointers about what sex actually is. Yeah. Yeah, he gave us all the talk. Oh, wow.

Can we flashback to that? No, you know, it's like a… It's like a… It's like… It's like a corn dog. Doing it's like a corn dog. Like a corn dog. When it's good, it's good. And when it's bad, still pretty good. You know what I mean? We all exchange glances. Not at all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We all have notebooks out. Yeah. Question. Yeah. Can we go back to the periods? Yeah.

So my understanding is that once a month for a week, every woman transforms like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Can you choose what you transform it to? You tell me, little lady. I don't know. I'm not a woman yet. All right. Then let me tell you. Yes, you can choose. Sick. That's where centaurs come from. That makes so much sense. Thank you. That's why they're all ladies. No problem. Happy to help. So they're all, it always happens on the full moon. Yep. That's when a centaur takes form.

Isn't it dangerous? Well, maybe she's not going to turn into a centaur. Maybe she's going to turn into something else. Yeah. Maybe. Sometimes I don't want to be a centaur. Sometimes I want to be like a cat. Okay. Just on the lower half is how it works. Yeah. But they sleep a lot. Yeah. What the fuck? I don't know. This is wild. We flashback to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. These kids have an insane conception of what periods are now. And it's so wrong. Oh, yeah.

Franklin is so freaked out by all the cats now. Yeah. It's like, which one of these cats are girls on their periods? He just starts like flexing at all the cats who walk by. One of these is Mindy for sure. The lost three cats. And, oh, wait, I had another question for Borbo. Okay. What's up? How many of your balls are you supposed to put in during sex? Both of them. It's called aerodynamics, little bro. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then, and puts both his hands down his pants, and you can see him rubbishing around. Not now.

To, like, just try and figure out the shapes as he like walks away one wait three what the fuck oh no that's not what is this oh it's a meatball what are you doing down there little guy you can hear him talking as he's walking out the store and down the corridor when's the last time I had meatballs holy shit that was like five months ago come on uh so and so what has what has been achieved 10 10 coins so much you got you got growth yeah growth growths um so many so many lessons learned okay but what are where are we now everybody that's listening to this has listened to the other episode recaps are generally for our enjoyment but what are we doing right now where are we well we're still at big market but we've left our stall to go look for the fudgies with fenton yeah because we we're gonna sabotage them yeah I know that they treat their elves badly that's what dora's told us and they're your direct competitors in terms of candy sales yeah yeah they're really raking it in yeah because they're like a barbershop quartet or whatever of stylish youths who wear sweater vests yeah children of republic public yeah let me say that again children it's not worth it all right and that is where we find ourselves now you're in your beginning your half-formed attempts to sabotage the fudgies what's your plan and actually okay I've remembered now thanks to my own foolishness and also the comment of a patron thank you so much this is going to be a clock oh sick clocks are very important in blades games in forged in the darkness games so what we're going to do is instead of having a single role that's going to achieve something we're going to have a clock yep and you're going to take actions describe what that is in an attempt to fill up the clock when you fill up the clock the fudgies have been ruined real yes is that sort of like our project clock yeah yeah it's a project clock but it's in the moment and I forget about them every time not this time it's an eight segment clock can we put it in the middle on the board and put it in the middle of the board and put it in the middle of the board and put it in the on the roll dice board yeah that sounds great you know clock yeah it's a communal clock that you're all working to fill someone give me a piece of paper or something it's an eight segment clock right that is a pen what what yeah it's just the outline okay sorry seeing pens during role playing games gives me ptsd to when you fought in the pen wars okay so this is an eight segment clock when this clock fills up the fudgies have been ruined your goal has been achieved you can you can try and what are you doing let's just say he's just writing ruin ruin fudgies I think right ruin fudges I can see that he's run out of space on the paper ruined ruined fudge wow rum fuzzers rum fuzzers I wrote it you I wrote it like fented wood right yeah like decomodome and also like abdulaziz all right uh cool so yeah and how we fill this clock it's like anything else you are trying to succeed at roles and depending on how successful you are at the role a certain number of segments fills how you felt like the number of ticks in a clock limited effect roles that are successful one standard two great three and if you fail at something one of the consequences could be me starting a new clock and when that clock fills something bad happens oh cool racing clocks blades games are really cool and I've just been running them wrong but this game has just been really fun yes and now it's gonna be rules whoa so I think the first thing we're gonna do is go to the fudgies booth and talk to the elves to try and convince them to stop running the cooling mechanism the cooling box or whatever so how are we gonna do that we gotta run a distraction while you talk to the elves well the only one of us that can attune to the elves is clover right should I find out passing by elf and get it to like do the work for us that's not a bad idea yeah if there's enough elves running around because they like they like working together they care about uh what the other elves say yeah if we can find one there was some working on the elf show oh true oh yeah just see if do we have any like good candy like as trade oh yeah we have a shitload with the cool tree kids yeah we all turn our pockets out it's just full of candy candy I have my two motivation bars for you guys I'm gonna go to the fudgies booth and they are liquid at this point okay I have a tic tac I found on the ground that's not a tic tac uh yeah okay so yeah what is your immediate plan we were gonna go to the elf stage to try and track down oh right okay elf and you have a copy of their rider and we were gonna use the elf that we tracked down at the elf stage to talk to the elves to tell them to like strike or whatever yeah cool that way it's not obvious that's us okay so you're gonna go to the elf stage and you're gonna you're you go to the elf stage which is further down the gigantor hallway that you're in and there is a show on right now and penton wants to get backstage can he use his I'm boring don't look at me move what is what is it oh it's mesmerist right mesmerist yeah and mesmerist when you sway the victim forgets afterwards until you meet again okay okay so I want to sway so the whoever's like bouncing back so I'm gonna go to the elf stage and I'm gonna go to the elf stage and I'm gonna go to the elf stage or whatever yeah classic bouncer big thick neck sunglasses so yeah we all run up hey sir uh I work for as a runner for the mall and I accidentally did not put the right pumpernickel juice in there in the actress trailer in in the green room you can see him getting so bored of what's happening his eyes are glazing over as you continue to talk I was supposed to do it I was supposed to chill it it didn't get chilled to the right temperature they needed pumpernickel juice and firm handshakes but I mixed them up please please please I thought the pumpernickel juice was supposed to be hand temperature please hey man do you want to skin 500 grapes no that's what we're here for our tiny hands are skilled at skinning grapes there's a bowl of grapes in there that needs skinning and saving because they like the grape skin and they also like the grape skins he puts his hands up please please please I'm begging you roll something okay so are you rolling I'm rolling sway but I also have resolve so I can roll two right yes yes you can yeah and you choose the highest and you're getting I think you're gonna get a bonus to effect because you have the rider information yeah cool five five yeah so uh he is exasperated he's exhausted by this whole conversation by this whole situation but you named the right things you're like they need skinned grapes they need pumpernickel juice and he's like okay all right just go in do your work get out don't talk to me anymore don't say another don't say another word to me you get it mister we're all you're all saying words we're all holding onto his pants it was the thing you know that thing where a bunch of kids are talking at an adult we're all tugging on his pants that's what it was just just go just go let go of my pants these are my good work pants what are these linen these are really nice you're all talking to me okay let's go go inside I let go and there's two chocolate handprints where I was holding oh my word and he's so frustrated that once he's done with it he's like you pass him uh through the entrance to the backstage tent he totally forgets you were there because he's just mad about his pants he's trying to clean his pants off he actually leaves to go clean his pants off oh man and you're backstage at elf all right high five how many elves are around uh there is the one that plays elf is sitting in a folding chair smoking a cigarette where's his stand-in his stand-in is across the room skinning grapes oh wow shitty job yeah I didn't know that was real that's a living let's go talk to him all right so I walk up to this elf hey dude hey hey how's it going oh just another day living the dream cool cool um hey listen I don't know if you're busy like I don't know how important these grapes are right now but uh do you mind like helping us out talking to some other elves so this is going to be an offer for you to do something I guess yeah okay let me tell you what's what we need you to do we need you to come with us to the fudgies tent yeah and talk to the elves and convince them that they gotta go on strike because okay let me tell you man the fudgies they're raking it in and the elves they're working so hard and the fudgies are mistreating them and like the elves look so sad like they look sadder than you did while you were peeling these grapes his eyes widen a little bit sadder than me yeah in fact I bet if you offered them to help you peel these grapes they would jump at the opportunity and then you get them peeled so fast huh well it is a pretty sweet gig peeling these grapes wait he enjoys this we thought he was being sarcastic about living the dream but he was like oh my god the dream I get to live the dream and when that guy gets too drunk I get to go on stage what a life totally it is it is quite a life to travel the world on the road peeling grapes and filming tapes yeah and don't you want these elves to like also live the dream you gotta roll something now all right so this will be a tune my god why not prowess because I'm like so like because because that's not because no because you know that doesn't work yeah so my arms are like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like jessica just like waved her shoulders when she made that sound six holy god in heaven yes whoa so you get three you get to fill in three wow nice checks oh this is gonna be so easy to beat the fudgies yeah just wait till we fuck something huge up sure wow yeah great you're almost halfway there uh so the elf goes all right it's time for me to work towards bettering lives for my brethren my fellow else totally hey smeglin and the elf smoking the cigarette he's like yeah what do you fucking want but it's time for you to peel those grapes he's like I'm not peeling grapes I'm gonna go help our brothers he's like I'm not an elf I'm just a small guy they're not my brothers and he goes fair enough and he turns around and he's like I'm not an elf I'm just a small guy and he starts walking away let's go kid oh perfect uh let's go yeah let's go and yeah you leave the tent heading towards the back to the fudgies I guess and wait as we're leaving fenton is walking and he sees the girl that plays the daughter in in the show elf in elf and he everything turns into slow motion and there's sparkles in the air and it's like that song kiss me from another teen movie and the girl slowly she turns around and her hair whips in the wind and she's got her finger all the way up her nose and she's got big curly red hair and it cuts back to fenton and he also has his nose she's picking at a craft services table they make do they make eye contact no she doesn't look at you oh no you see her okay and I'm like holy fucking shit and what's your plan here I see you picking up your hair and you're like oh my god I'm gonna go to the fudgies and I'm like oh my god I'm gonna go to the fudgies I I think this is just like a nervous tick that fenton he's picking up dice he is just grabbing stuff yeah so he like looks in his hand and he's accidentally pickpocketed someone oh I imagine he was holding the chocolate and squeezing it hard and it was just like coming out everywhere smushing out of his hand he's covered in various liquids and solids uh-huh I guess I gotta write down this person this girl's name now we're producing a love interest I guess yeah no I asked the elf I'm like hey wait what the fuck was his name oh yeah sorry man we never asked your name oh my name yeah yeah no one's ever asked my name before well now's the time tremble oh I just came up with that is that all right that's a great elf name great name tremble oh tremble oh because that's how I like people to feel after they see me act that's great yeah can you do a little like for us yeah look at this this one's mad and he looks down and he looks back up and he's glaring whoa oh it's okay I'm not mad I'm not mad I'm not mad holy shit okay and then he looks at you and he's frowning and he's got tears in his eyes oh my god no we didn't mean no no no I'm not sad I'm not sad I'm not sad holy shit you're so good he does a big flourishy bow thank you thank you and people are walking past you looking at tremble like what the fuck is that thing it's wearing little short pants and a tiny vest tremble oh who's that girl with the red curls with her finger like two knuckles deep into her nose oh that that's penny she plays the daughter whose name is also penny in the play oh my god yeah and then phantom turns around and whispers at her pay for your thoughts is this the thing humans do is this a thing this is this thing humans do to other humans well he's barely human this is the thing he does uh is this a thing we should be following up on or should we be heading just give him a minute okay that should be good let's get it okay yeah let's go and uh yeah I guess you just head over to the fudgies booth all right and the fudgies are just giving the performance of their lives people are whipping coins at them fudge is coming out hot and heavy baby they have a choreographed dance and it just pisses franklin off so much oh what are you gonna do about franklin just do and make myself a better dancer despite them what does the choreographed dance look like uh it's one of those things where it's four of them lined up and they're like snapping down to either side and their legs are going out and back on the opposite sides and then they do a box step and they do they do the like one hand up one hand down with the jazz hands and it's incredible seven years ago called they want their jazz hands back fuck these guys some parents turn around they're like we're watching the we're watching the fudgies perform that's my son you're talking about eat my fucking tits lady that is one a very confusing curse and two you shouldn't be coming from a stupid little boy stupid but we're all stupid so fuck you lady including you yeah solidarity bitch oh my god the whole world is stupid oh man I love that uh okay yeah so there's the fudgies booth there's like it's like a convention floor on this side so there's like back curtains that are connected all the way along so if you want to get behind it you gotta go through or all the way around let's like try and shuffle through the legs of the crowd and around back okay yeah so somebody needs a little sneaky sneak who the fuck knows how to do this I have one in prowess okay and he's the he's he's the the light stepper yeah totally so one one die he's gonna be in his fury at watching the dance choreography he's gonna be like I'll show you choreography are you like dancing through oh yeah like one hand you know like fast version of when that woman went through the lasers in that movie oh oh yep so the time that the guy broke dance through the lasers in oceans 12 yes thank you two god fucking damn it shit um okay so as is the way so this was going to be risky but it was going and it was going to be standard effect to get behind the fudgies booth so you are perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly safe and perfectly A running man over behind where they are.

Twirl around. A little backflip through somebody's legs. Whoa. Yeah, little slips like that. A silent dive forward. Maybe into a worm. A worm, I like it. Nice. And Clover and Fenton and Tremblo are just running behind you, trying to get through. And because of the stress you incur, you get to the other side. You are drenched in sweat. Absolutely soaked. Shake it off like a dog. Yeah. And you're behind. You're in the alley behind two aisles of big market booths.

And you see, connected via an accordion tube, to the front of the fudgies booth, a big box with a little latch door on it. Oh my god. Fenton, is that where they're hiding? Yeah, that's it. Is the door locked? It is. It's got a little lock on it. Fuck. It says elf ployees only on it. I take out the cane sword. Okay, what do you do with it? I'm going to try and smash the shit out of it. The lock. Take it in the lock, buddy. All right, so this would be a prowess.

Wait, maybe someone else should take my cane sword. No, Fenton's already drawn his sword in his movement. I should hand it to someone else while I'm halfway through this motion. It's going to be a wreck. So if you've got wreck, that's one. Oh, I have prowess and wreck. I toss it. I toss it to Clover. Whoa. I catch it. Whoa. And all the combined frustration and rage of a prepubescent girl in the throes of love overtake you, who just learned what periods were. Yeah.

But like one day when I get my period and I'm like, I'm going to be so strong. Six. Six. Whoa. Etchy, like anime style. There's a flash of light. You're all blinded. And when your eyes clear, the lock breaks in two. And my hair is like flowing in the fake wind. I don't know. And I'm like, that must be what it's like to get a period. And the lock is in pieces on the ground. Yeah. And a streak of light shines. And it just flings along the blade and goes fling at the very end.

And I just flick it back to Fenton without looking. It hits me in the face. It cut my cheek. It cut my cheek. I bring my fingers up, one finger and a thumb up to my mouth. I'm like. She blew the smoke out of a smoking gun. Yeah. Pretty incredible. And inside the box, there are three elves on tiny little bikes pumping their legs. Oh, hey guys, do you need anything in there? Close the door. I got 20 more miles to go before my shift ends. Hey, we want you to meet our friend Tremblo here.

Who's Tremblo? He wipes sweat off his forehead with long, weird fingers, flicks it on the ground, picks up a water bottle, squirts it in his mouth, keeps pumping. Tremblo this. Tremblo, talk. Come on. Oh, me. I'm Tremblo. Hey, I'm Tremblo. I'm Tremblo, folks. Hey, let me just get in there. And he crams his way into the box where the elves are. Brothers. Brethren. I mean, we're all kind of genderless. Does brother still apply? Fellow elves.

Now is not the time for us to suffer under the yoke of the large folk. It is time for us to strike out into the world and plow our own course through the wheats of the sea. It is time for us to step amongst the giants of time and stroll through the annals of places. Man, he's good. How many places have annals? I don't know. I don't know. We'll have to ask. Four more later. And he goes on for a little bit for quite a while like that. Real Grapes of Wrath kind of monologue. Totally. Yeah.

And there's a point where they start to falter. The elves start to pump their legs a little slower. But they say no because the pie's not full. Well, oh, wait. Was that one roll? Oh, I guess it would have been. Yeah. So you have three more boxes to fill on the ruin the fudgies wheel. Tremblo looks out as he pops. He pauses in his speech. He's just said, we bleed not for the soil, but for our hearts and minds of the of the earth through which will I just get. Sorry. Hold on.

He says, I think I'm breaking through. I think I'm getting to him. Is there anything that would help? What would help? What do you think would help? What would help an actor? Because he's trying to use his acting ability. You know who might have a little something to say about what might help? One actor extraordinaire. Grapes. Star of stage and screen. Grefg Smushlin. Hold on. I think I know where to find him. You dart through. Yeah. And you find him at his booth doing a perfect plie to no one.

Oh, beautiful. They don't appreciate his genius. And he bows and goes, thank you. My boy, I thought I would never see you again. Ha. You haven't seen the last of these. And he jumps up and does. Perfect. Dwee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee. Like Luigi. Like a ballet. Yeah. Yeah. Outstanding. Thank you. What brings you into the shadow of greatness presented by Grefg Smushlin? That's what we're here for. Your greatness. My greatness. Your greatness. Your greatness. We've got some elves. Elves.

Elves. Elves. Explain. Okay. They're like tiny little people that seem to run a lot of things. Interesting. Fascinating. Most troubling. You're telling me these guys are getting worked to the bone. To the bone, you say. That is the one price pays. Art for. I will allow your mind to untangle that sentence. In a classic actors slash performers, I keep saying that I'm an actor. That is half true. You are so much more than that. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I.

Through the stage of life I have given the performances of all time on stages throughout the ages, my birth, my eventual death, one through three divorces and five weddings, six annulments who can say how those took place. And each one is so lucky to have had you. Man, this guy can't turn it off. Holy God. And so I call myself an actor. As many do, but I am a dancer first and foremost.

I want to ask you, what is the second thing after discipline and then following a deep well of emotional intelligence the most important thing to an actor? Taught calves. Okay, after taught calves and the emotional well. Empathy? Okay, there's empathy in there as well. He crouches down in front of you. He steeples his hands in front of his face. I can get this. So what about the first two? There was a deep emotional well. Of course. Yes, of intelligence. Yes. Good looks. I forgot looks.

Good looks. Of utmost importance. As you can see. He runs a hand down his own face. Taught calves. Taught calves. A firm core. Okay, we've got core. You're going to get there eventually. Cardio. Cardio, yes. Think bigger. What includes more people? Horses. The production cannot run without it. Horses. Horses. It's also applied. They include two people oftentimes on stage, so yeah, that is technically true.

I'm going to let, I, of course, as Grefg's mushlin, legendary performer, know the answer to this, but I'm going to let you answer. A union. A union. A union. Now, I have had troubles with unions in the past. You mean like all your marriages? Yes. What are you talking about? I'm talking about a union of people. Oh, yes. Standing together. I love unions. Production can't run on one man alone. It stands on one man alone, but it doesn't run on one man alone. Absolutely true, my boy. Absolutely true.

And you bring this to me. Why? Oh, yes, the elves. I'm sorry. I forgot. We gotta get them unionized. It's important. If I am to help you with this task, you must perform for me. I couldn't. You must. I wouldn't. You must. I will. Perform for me. Oh, you mean now? If I am to join this union of hearts, minds, souls, and calves, you must perform for me, my boy. I mean, I haven't warmed up, really. I did a little thing over there, but it was kind of… Wow. Okay.

So this is gonna be risky, but great effect. Okay. So if you succeed… It'll complete the project clock. It will complete the project clock. That will unionize the elves? I mean, at least it's gonna get these elves out of that box. Yeah. And that's going to lead to the fudgies fudge melting? Yeah. Yeah. Because this is a cooling system that we're fucking with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a wild way to break a refrigerator. It wasn't depending on human labor.

You know how we were just talking about how season seven of Spell Lord, the stakes are so weird because it's like breaking into public works to get plans to a sewer to steal a book? Yeah, to break into a library. The stakes for this are to wreck somebody's fridge. Okay, yeah, so… One die. Prowess. Okay. Twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling. He's doing that thing, you know, when you're like, getting ready to break dance, crazy break dance. Oh! Six. A six.

Franklin does the dance of his lifetime. Oh, we need music for this. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Gresh tapping his feet. His calf muscles are spasming inside his leotard. He's flipping, runs up the wall to start it. Doesn't land. Does a flip. Lands on top of his shoulders. Goes off of his shoulders. Runs circles around. Pirouettes, pirouettes, pirouettes. He does, uh, he does, he does rock hands. Fuck jazz hands. He's doing rock hands. My what?

Boom, boom, boom, boom. He's, uh, uh, swan dive. Catches himself in the air. He's like both, uh, Baby and Patrick Swayze all wrapped up in one. And as, as this incredible move takes place, Grefg's muslin spins on his own. He wants to be a part of this. And he rips the top of his leotard clean off, revealing a neck-to-naval tattoo of himself dancing. And he drops to his knees and he screams a piercing howl to the heavens that I will not replicate in this after-ten-o'clock Airbnb.

But, but he's crying. He's openly weeping now. My boy. I have not felt emotions such as this since the birth of my first child. And their ultimate betrayal for me. Was he the one that you were wrong about? He was. He was my greatest protege. Until now. Tell me, my boy, he clasped both sides of your face. Tell me that you will never spend fifteen years learning under my tutelage only to break off and form your own competing dance studio. I can't promise you anything. That's what I like to hear.

You must have a shark's intellect. The whale's heart. Now, and he slaps both your cheeks. Take me to those who need me. I'm already doing it. Run, run, run, run, run, run. Run, run, run, run, run, run. And we cut back to what we've been doing this whole time. Yep. Just picked a wedgie over my butt. It took fifteen minutes. No, I didn't. I'm really in there. I don't know. It seems like it keeps going in. It's like a weird optical illusion. I don't know what's going on with it.

I think, oh, you know what? I think the waistband's around one of my legs. What? It's hard. You know, it's just the one pair and stuff gets bagged out after a while. You gotta get more underwear. Look, that's what I'm trying to do. What are you doing right now? It doesn't cost that much money. Yeah, it does. There's free piles all over the place. What? There's free piles of clothes everywhere. No, Fenton is describing actual stores. He doesn't understand how commerce works.

I guess he's been stealing, yeah, mostly. He's shoplifting his entire life. Yeah, Clover is just shot. Fenton, why didn't you ever tell me this? I assume everyone knew that most… No! Well, I mean, we can just go underwear shopping later. Okay. Okay. You think Seamus will notice? And then he looks, and it's really deep in there. It's like clumped up my skirt a bit, too, like into the underwear. It's such a weird twisted mess that when he defocuses his eyes, he can see a schooner.

It's like one of those magic eye puzzles. And while you're distracted by the magic eye in Clover's skirt, the curtains burst apart, and a man in a ripped leotard with a huge tattoo leaps through the air. Holy shit! And lands in front of you in a perfect pirouette. Dancing terms? Yeah. Jeante plumerie. Wow. It says, Behold! It is I, Graves Mushlin. Hi. Yeah. I understand, and he does a spin, and he dips really low and sticks one leg out that you require, and he stands up straight. A dancer.

He looks down at us, and Clover's on all fours, facing away from Fenton, and Fenton's looking straight into her ass. What? I see that I have perhaps found myself in the wrong place. No. No, this is the right place. Did Franklin go get you? Franklin, my boy. Yeah, he comes running in. Here's the actor. He flexes. It's not that impressive. Those calves. Yeah, the calves, though. He flexes his calves, and he almost rips his own leotard. Sounds like a gunshot. He's gonna help unionize the elves.

He's a master unionizer. A master unionizer. Oh, Tremblo. And Tremblo's deep. He's, like, deep in his speech, but he's looking at you like, yeah, come on, help me. Oh. Gref, is it? Okay, we need you. We need you to, like, work with Tremblo here. Tremblo's trying to give them speech and trying to get them to unionize and leave their jobs because they're shitty, and we need your magic. Yes. Also, these are elves. These are elves. Oh, these are elves. Yeah, inside the fridge.

He gets really low down. He does a straight lunge as low as he can. To the box to look inside. And goes, Incredible. And then he pushes himself back up from a straight lunge. Pushes himself back up to a standing position. Wow, those are some frictionless shoes you have on. Friction is a dancer's worst enemy. You should know this, Franklin, if you are to continue in the arts. Yes, write it down. What else have I told you today? What else did you write down on the way here? Uh, um, calves.

Less than the one. Calves. Breath. Breath is important. Is very important. Big, massive tattoos. Mmm. Terrible shirts. Not awful shirts. Shirts. Rippable shirts. Shirts that are able to be torn. Terrible shirts. Very good. And friction. Crossed out with a no next to it. That is how I remember. Now, I am to give a performance which will throw off the yoke of capitalism. As I have done many times before. With horror. Behold, children! And he goes into a very complicated dance. Move the first.

Uh, it's, uh, like, kind of a singing in the rain thing where he jumps up on a lamppost nearby. It's the… It's a lamppost booth. They're selling lampposts. Yeah. There's a bunch piled in the back. Yeah. Beautiful. Move the second. Uh, he puts his hands together to signal, uh, signify a clock. Cogs. Moving together. Oh, yeah. Move the third. He starts doing some serious, like, river dancing. Oh, yeah. Real fast. Tearing up the floor. And he… His final move. His most important move.

The most difficult move that he's ever performed. He's standing, stock still. And he jumps backwards in a standing backflip. Halfway through the backflip, it turns back into a frontflip. Whoa. And he lands on his feet. Whoa. Whoa. And he almost collapses, panting. How? What the heck just happened? How did you do that? And you can see the calves quivering in his pants. Fenton's crying. Yeah. How did you do that? Clover's crying, too. And the elves are crying, as well. Why am I crying so much?

And you hear the elves, from inside the box… Do you hear the people singing the song of Angry Elves? It is the music of the elves who will not be elves again. And they just start marching. And the elves go… And the elves go… And the elves go…

Marching out except it sounds like but to them it's like the fucking climax of Les Miserables yeah and they march away and Tremblo he comes up to you he goes thank you children for giving me the opportunity to make a real difference in the lives of three individuals thank you Tremblo thank you for following your dreams and inspiring others to live theirs you get up there and you skin those grapes I'm going to I'm going to don't forget to lick your fingers it's the best part of the job he salutes you hey can you ask Penny if she has a boyfriend and tell me you want me to you want me to go ask Penny if she has a boyfriend and then come back and tell you yeah or send a note or something I mean the show is what time is it he's look everybody's looking everywhere it's like 8 p.m.

Yeah well I mean the shows are done in in an hour and then they start again at 10 a.m.

Tomorrow okay so you can meet her either after the show now or in the morning okay do you know if she has a boyfriend oh not that I know of she's like 10 okay cool okay bye and he just scuttles underneath the curtain because he's the size of a baked potato and he just is gone and Gref is still standing there watching this just panting still a sheen of sweat across his torso Franklin yes I hope you have learned something today I have you are a dancer first and foremost my boy he looks at the two of them because this is the first time that you know it's really open about it do you know the artist's heart which burns within the chest of your dear friend Franklin yes not yeah maybe not it seems like quite an intense situation that has arrived here today Franklin have you considered my offer to move to Blacklass and become the most recent student of the Gref's Mushroom Academy for the Dancing Arts and he looks at Clover Ivy and Fenton and there's sad little shit covered hands and gross little fuzzy teeth and shit covered hands what shit I guess maybe Fenton was like taking a shit in the box as a fuck you to the fudgies and he missed yeah it's more like the royal shit and he's like I think I think I can do more good here you're turning me down no I will train here you've seen what I can do I've learned how to do what I can do here this is the best gymnasium and training grounds for what I want a dancer is nothing without the stage but you've proved to me today that the stage of the world is your stage of the small stage Fenton is confused Clover is nodding like he's trying to like be like yeah I know but she doesn't very well here and he reaches deep inside his leotard and he pulls out a card and he hands it to you soaking wet this is my written address my personal written address if you so change your mind and when I say personal written address I mean PO box if you change your mind please do not hesitate to write me this means a lot to me thanks Graf it should and you're welcome I am here till the morrow yet again I'm here till the morrow yet again Another morrow.

Just one more morrow? We'll see. Maybe two morrows. Well, maybe I'll see it tomorrow. Farewell. And he does a backflip and he runs away. He runs away. He runs? He runs. We can see him because the corridors are so long. We can see him going for a while. Yeah, no, he does a backflip and he throws his hands out and there's a cloud of glitter in the air. And when the glitter falls, you can see him running down the corridor away from you. Wow, what a specimen.

And then he does a hard left through a booth. And it's at this point that you hear the fudgies stop singing. Guys, it's happening. So you run whichever way. It doesn't really matter at this point because there's like people, the fudgies are shouting. They're having a fucking meltdown. Finally. Hell yeah. Like this for some reason broke them. They opened the cabinet to sell more fudge and it's just dripping down the racks inside. Uh huh.

And there's a fudgie with like melted fudge in his hands trying to put it together just crying like, No, I don't have the fudge. And there's another one like punching another one in the stomach. Like this is your fault. And it's just people are going insane. And we're so happy dancing around. Yeah. I want to steal some of the money while they're freaking out. Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, you see their their cash register is unattended. Uh huh. All right. So what are you trying to grab?

This is risky. Uh huh. But great effect. I'm going to say if you can put if you can make this five coins. Oh shit. Whoa. Yeah, I guess he's like he watches them like totally falling apart and he's like yeah, now you're down to my level motherfuckers. I knew that patina wasn't real. This is your level. Yeah. Your level is pandemonium. It is mine all the time. This is what's happening. Can I make a distraction? Yeah, can we all just do a group action? Yeah, remember? Oh shit. Yeah group action.

If you are working with your crew, you may lead a group action. You and your teammates roll the same action and pick the best result. Leader takes one stress for any scoundrel that fails their role. You may also assisted teammate by taking one stress to give that player plus one die. Huh? So which is the one that would let me take the most stress because right now I have only one stress. Okay, it would be you would lead a group action. Okay, I'm going to lead a group action.

Everybody would roll the same thing and you would take the highest result. Okay. If you're leading it and you're taking the stress but Franklin and Clover both have prowess. Mm-hmm. That means that they have a higher chance of succeeding. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And if you whoever fails like he'll just take a stress for each of you that fails. Okay, and I have tons in my stress track. So okay. Yeah. Okay. So describe what this is this classic three-person con this three kid move.

I think Franklin's going to jump in the fight and just start. What? He's going to start like really tearing it up with those guys. Keep them distracted in the fight. Perfect. Clover is going to try to be like, oh my gosh, let me help you and then I'm going to like be clumsy and like just shove over a bunch of stuff. That's great. Okay, good. Perfect. So I do that style. Whoops. Whoops. And like there goes like their cauldron of fudge that they were like that they were stirring and try. Yeah.

Yeah. So it was spilling all over the floor. I'm like whoopsie. Sorry. Okay. Yeah. So as Franklin runs in he hits double speed on their tape that they're playing for their hey, we're the fun. So just like diddly starts going faster and faster. He runs in and grabs the music bottle. Yeah. Yeah shakes it up shakes. Oh wow. Yeah. Okay. So what we're how this is going to work is Fenton's going to roll 2d6 and take the lowest because you're rolling prowess and you don't have it. Yeah.

So I roll 2d6 take the lowest. You guys are only rolling one because you're all rolling prowess together. Okay, even if I have wreck. Yeah. Okay. Oh five five fives all around hell. Yes, gentlemen's five and two. Yeah, so you take one take one stress. Yeah, great. So it works nice. Yeah. So Franklin dives in starts just throwing random punches to match things up shakes a music bottle. So the music gets crazy and clover runs over and is like here. Let me help and pushes over a vat. Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't I should have asked for like I didn't realize I couldn't pick it up alone. And so hot like liquid fudge hits the ground and starts splashing everywhere and the crowd that surrounded them and is watching in horror starts to scream and run away and they're slipping all over the place. Slipping they're getting burned in the hot fudge. Oh shit shit and it's sticking to them like fucking napalm. No, I feel really bad. Holy fuck. This is bad. Okay. Now I'm going to try to help them.

Oh, sorry. I know I actually have a poultice for that real and in the midst of all this Fenton climbs up on top of the table that has their cash on it and he like puts both of his chubby hands into the cash and grabs two handfuls, which I guess is five coins and then he just fucking kicks the rest of the register into the hot fudge and then he lifts his fists up in the air and screams. This is what you get when you fuck with the cool drink. Yeah. Wow. Absolutely. Immediately.

Taking responsibility for the crime. I turn around like what the fuck. And then he runs off the table and jumps into the crowd. He hits someone. Oh my God. That's so funny. Hits someone and then runs. Oh my God. I love that. This the fact that you would pull some crazy heist and then immediately take ownership of it like after robbing the Bellagio George Clooney turns around in the lobby of the casino and goes and that's because of D.C.

Danny Ocean and oceans 11 by fools right into a cop car that kind of happened. He flies away at a helicopter and says so long but to the guy not to the police. I guess. Yeah, that's true. So you all just run away. Yeah. Thankfully there was enough pandemonium. I think that a little kid screaming cool treat kids wouldn't get you too much attention. Cool trick. It's forever. So you yeah, you get back to the safety of your relative safety of your booth because it's only like two rows away. Yeah.

And you can still hear the screams on the wind Fenton's the last one to get back because he has the worst cardio. Yeah. And you've been didn't water there and they're like they've moved their chairs really close together and they're like sitting in front of your booth and there's kind of like quietly talking to one another. Clovers watching. She's like what's going on here and you can hear it like next at his feet.

Dwight has a little cage with a few harp snakes in it and you can hear the music coming out is like. They're just having a nice time. That's so sweet and you Linda looks at you like oh hi. Oh, hi kids. Hi. Hi. Sorry for interrupting you too. Oh, no, not at all. Not at all. You didn't interrupt anything and Dwight is like, well, I wouldn't say nothing. Yeah. So they're like, yeah, do you want your booth back? Do you want your we got it? It's all safe. Everything is all tidy. Thank you.

Did you sell anything while we're gone buddy chance? Oh, were we supposed to? I might have gotten into a couple of the candies that you had. This stuff's pretty good. Oh, you scoundrels. Yes. So what do how's your house? Big Market treating you kids? Pretty uneventful. I guess. Yeah, nothing's happening. You're all covered in liquid fudge. You've got coins in your fist. I and I'm like we were over at the pudding sword guys booth. Oh, I love putting the sword guy.

Yeah, that's why we're covered in chocolate. I had an idea. It was called the the custard X and that guy. Shut me down. Yeah, I got a thief and a thief. Sounds really tasty. Actually, it was the problem was that it was a two-sided axe. So even when the when the custard came off, it was just a weapon. What if you put the custard in like like a really full baggie and then you smashed it with a hammer call it goo smash. That's not a terrible idea. Actually hot damn. That's a pretty smart idea kid.

You can have it. Oh you Linda. I'm going to be rich. And yeah, so what's your what's your plan? Are you hanging out of the booth? Are you trying to sell more stuff? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, we sell some more stuff man. That was that was a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I need to go change my costume. I'm covered in stuff and no one wants to get a fortune reading if they can't see my palms. Yeah, that's true.

Like I guess you guys could go back to the sugar shack or I suppose so like what's what else would you do to get more coins? I mean, it's obviously not going to be from selling our wares. Yeah, maybe not. It could be I mean you've only tried to sell them at the booth. Where else can we sell them? You could probably take some and walk around like people roam around like, you know, Schloss meets guys.

There's a guy that sells smoothies that he makes from on a contraption that he has on his back guys. Oh, yeah. So I'm what I'm like looking out past you Linda and what and I see like some kids like riding tricycles and I'm like, oh my God you guys let's go get our bikes. We have bikes. Yeah, they're just like in the front of the sugar shack and we never could get to them because they're like covered in bows and arrows and stuff. Fucking sick. We have bikes. After you guys set up your defenses.

You're like, oh the bikes were back there. And I just decked mine out to with like a basket and like so many flowers and stuff. Banana Seat. Cool sick. Great. So you guys head back to the sugar shack. Yeah, we start running back to the sugar shack. Okay, because Clover pointed out that we could access our bikes again. Yeah. That's awesome. We've just forgot about them. Yeah, put it out of our mind. You Linda Dwight keep an eye on our tent. Oh, don't worry.

We will you know not like well, you're gone and you come you get back to the sugar shack. I stop I stop at the puppet booth. I get a puppet for poor ball. Oh, that's you. Are you guys like a Spear Buck? Can I get a Spear Buck Franklin? Of course. Thank you. Can I buy a puppet? What's the public look like? I just described poor. Borbo to the puppet making guy and I'm like, can you make him like super buff? Like huge. Oh, yeah. I think I've got just the thing. You're going to love it.

Yeah, let me see. It's like green and furry green and furry. I'll look like that. Oh, I was making a special request for you to make a puppet that looks like my friend. Oh, that's going to take some time. Oh, fuck it. Just give me the green one. As you're running back. You're drawing abs on it with a magic marker. Yeah. Rich on the top. Yeah, it's going to be fine.

Yeah, you make it back to the to the sugar Shack and you see Borbo's futon laid in front of the door and you see Borbo sitting on the futon with Blarth. Oh shit. What's going on here? And Borbo's got a hand on Blarth shoulder. They're sitting pretty close together and he's like look man like just because you like her doesn't mean that she has to like you back. You know, that's not how it works. Like she's her own woman. She makes her own choices in the. Choice that she's made is Borbo.

But like she's just might not be right for you. You know, like that's just how it is. She might not be right for me. You know, I might not be right for her but that's relationships bro. That's relationships Blarth like I guess you're right. I just got so worked up, you know, like I don't I don't have a lot of people. I'm close to in my life and boost is like a really scary place for me to be now and she was just really nice. To me and I guess it let it I let it cloud my judgment. Borbo.

Thank you so much. I'm really glad that you took this the way that you took it. He's like no problem, bro. Bros got to be bros to bros. No matter what that bro wants to be a bro about you hear me? I hear you man and they kind of have a little hug on the futon. Oh, so nice. Thank God. I thought I thought Blarth was going to beat me up or something and Blarth looks up and he goes. Hey, hey. And he points at clover. Hey, hey. So yeah, I saw you. I saw you feeling okay and I'm glad to find you.

Well, just as I knew you would be you know what I know that you I know that you told me to I know that you told me that I had to confront Borbo and I did try to slap his balls. I will say and he did leap at me like a coiled Viper. I could see it in his eyes. He had deadly intent. But we just you know, we got to talking and it's you know, I feel like this is a period of growth for me. Yeah.

I mean the the moon is in in Juniper Rising and it's definitely in you know, your your sign your cardinal signs in the house of the swan donkeys. So deaf makes sense that this was the right outcome for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that has to make sense. It does. Right? Absolutely. I'm an expert very well. Yeah. All right. Well, you know what? Have a great day. I'm just feeling so good. I'm feeling so good. I'm just going to go home. I'm not even going to think about Vera.

I'm just going to I'm going to organize my magisterium cards. I'm going to make a new deck thinking like a green blue. You know what I mean? Get it Blarth. Thanks. Thanks kids. Thanks Borbo. I'll see you at work man. He's like no problem bro. See you for skeet ball and then he just leaves. Wow, you handled that like a fucking pro. Well, I did have him in a headlock for like 15 minutes. Then he eventually cooled off. That's how a lot of my interpersonal conversations go.

Franklin's write that down. First 15 minutes. Holy fuck. I'm so glad that you're our security guy off and you well should be I mean, I haven't really been paying much attention because I've been talking to Blarth for a while. How's big market been going for you kids? Pretty good. Then got you present. I hold up the puppet. It's got licorice hair.

We added so it looked like him and then I added abs and then I drew the shirt that we tailored for the bralette with security across the front and then it wrote security across the back and I was like we got you this puppet that you asked for for some reason. Is it supposed to be me? Yeah. Mm-hmm. No freaking way. And he grabs it. He's like this is so cool and he shoves his hand up and he's like, what's up a poor blow? I'm a little poor bow. I'm a little more blow. You'd say hi.

Say guys say hi to a little bore blow. I'm a little bar blow up. RIP. I'm wrapped and he's just having a blast with this puppet. Thanks kids. This is such a good day kicking it with my new bro Blarth kicking it with my new bro little bar blow. I'm just loving this day kicking it with you kids. I love security. I love your energy. I'm just feeling good tonight. Did you get into some of the sugarcane? I might know. Okay. Did you know it's raw unprocessed mostly fibers? Yeah, I make it man.

I'm gonna I'm getting kind of sleepy. I'm gonna sit back down. Okay, what are you kids up to? We came to get our bicycles go ahead on in. Yeah. Oh, thanks. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks. Let me check your passes real quick. We show him cards that he made for us that say admit one cool drink. Good. Good. Good. Thanks. Head on in. Okay. Thanks. And as you're walking through the door, you see the line of cayenne pepper that you laid down has been scattered. What? Jesus fuck. And just inside the doorway.

No. You see a hobnoblin sweating like crazy. Oh my God. His face is beet red. Its mouth is open. And it's just panting. And it's like, I don't know. It looks like it really got deep into the cayenne pepper and it's going insane. What do you do? Bubblegum net. Tight. Prowess. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, Romeo prowess. Yeah, great. Wow. All right. Just take the loss. Take the loss. I'm just gonna take the loss. I don't want any drama. Yeah. All right. So you run up.

You start scrambling to snatch this hobnoblin. I'm blowing it up and it blows up in my face. Yeah. Pop. And you're covered in this sticky pink gum. And the hobnoblin runs up and it chomps on your arm. Ow. So you take a harm. Oh, damn it. But then the real problem is that it scurries off into the store. Fuck. I'm gonna chase after it. You chase after it. It runs into the back. And as you get into the back, it's disappeared. You hear like thump, thump, thump in the vents. Oh man.

Now we got this guy in the vents. Okay. Can I go to where he, the vent that he went into? Yeah. It's like one of those kind of, it goes straight down from the ceiling and then angles out onto the floor. And I just like push a heavy box against it. Oh, smart. Problem solved, kids. Can't get back in. Okay. That's good. But you hear it like every once in a while. And you hear like a scraping noise that almost sounds like it's licking the cool metal of the vent. Ew.

God, we're gonna have to deal with that at some point. I'm gonna put another box on top just to be safe. Good idea. This is how kids would deal with this problem. Yeah, totally. Franklin, you're covered in gum. You get yourself out eventually, but you've still got gum on some parts of your body and you guys- It's in my hair. And you're grabbing your bikes. That's the plan? Yeah. But should we all have a bath first? I mean, big market, it's not a one day thing. Oh. We established that, right?

It's kind of like a weekend thing. It's like two, three days. That's true. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Maybe we should just sleep because I'm really tired and I haven't taken a poop. And I haven't taken a poop. I haven't taken a poop. I haven't taken a poop. And I have so much fudge all over me. Yeah. Should we just stay home? Do this tomorrow? Yeah, I think we can get the next five, the last five coins tomorrow. And then I guess we have to take it to the food court. Mm-hmm. I think so.

I don't know. It's as good a place as any to start. Yeah. Big shrug, whatever intermediary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I would give it a give or give.

I would give it give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give or give You're right, I should talk to Seamus.

So let's get a quick, as the sun sets on the High Spear Mall through the skylights, let's get a quick look at the end-of-day procedures of the Cool Treat Kids. We see Fenton Beasley. I am folding up, because I was wearing a leotard today. So I'm peeling off the leotard, and I'm putting back on my little sailor's outfit. And then I scuttle over to the floor safe, and I lay the motivation bar outside, and I throw a motivation bar inside. And then I hop in, and I pull the door closed on top of me.

But inside, the reveal is when you close the door, there's a drawing of his parents there. No one knows he's there. And he goes to sleep. That's really cute. We see Franklin Stein. He's got a bag of ice on his hair on the counter. And he's like, nine, ten. And then he has a hammer, and he's smashing at it, the bubble gum in his hair, trying to get the gum out of his hair. And the other half of his head is all covered in peanut butter. There's Cheez Whiz at the back. That didn't work either.

And then also, while he's… While he's doing that in the background, you can see that he's taken that card from Grefg's Shmoesloan, and he's framed it in this little frame and put it up on the wall. We see Clover Ivy Fern. She's in the bathtub with a candle lit, and she's making tiny bags of poultices for all the people who were burned by the fudge. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it like that. I just wanted to get the money. I didn't mean to do it like that.

And the camera pulls back from the sugar shack through the destroyed front store entrance out past Borbo's futon, where he's laying on his back with little Borblo. He throws a slow motion punch at the puppet, which dodges backwards. And then he picks up the little bar that controls the hand, and he punches himself with it. And he goes, oh, finally, a worthy adversary. And we pull further.

And we pull further up into the sky, the dusty store tops laid out before us, as we see on top of the sugar shack, the beet red hobnoblin with a jug of milk that it's stolen from somewhere, pouring it into its mouth crazily, and up through the skylight to the starry night above. Wow. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. Pretty good. Thanks for joining us, everybody. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, playing Fenton Beasley, the slide, Abdulaziz.

So long, everybody. Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers. Take tear. Take, goodbye. Take tear. Take two. See you later, guys. And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica Tai. Good night. Thank you to you, our amazing supporters. Without you, this game wouldn't be possible. And we appreciate it every single time we play. Thank you so much. And we'll see you next time. And so ends the tale. Of the cool treat kids. Always up to no good. So tiny and greedy. And angsty they be.

As they navigate crime and puberty. And though our journey may belie a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to the chocolate store. As the cool treat kids plan their next score. And for you, I'll gladly spout more. To be continued. For a movie podcast. G is the casual that has the mainstream movies. Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems. And Boof is the cellar goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper. Messiah Jones says, such a fan of this podcast.

I love the variety. And all three have pretty good chemistry. G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes. And Simon can be a real curmudgeon. But the three work together well enough to keep the flow. And make a good product. Serenity. Deed says, love this podcast so far. But the audio is all over the place. It goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle. Every time somebody stops talking for even half a second. Their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again.

It's very distracting. Edit. This audio issue was with my laptop. Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms. Yomp.

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sit, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has her corn dog addiction Lenten's the slob, she seeks the sake And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strike Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome, everybody.

I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me, playing Fenton Beasley the Sly, Abdulaziz. Hello. Playing Franklin Stubbs. Dying the cutter, Paul Oppers. Hey, everybody. And playing Clover Ivy Fern the Whisper, Jessica Tai. Hello, everyone. When last we left this ragtag group of children, we joined them hot on the edge of the first half of the first day of Big Market, sabotaging the beloved, easily beloved Fudgies. They crack too easily. There's some fucked up stuff happening in their heads.

It certainly did seem like all it would take, was a little nudge in the wrong direction. Yeah, they really imploded. They lost their fucking minds. They cried over spilt fudge. Yeah, just absolute pandemonium. You employed the help of Tremblo, understudy for the lead actor of hit play Elf, Gruff's Emotionland, dancer extraordinaire and legend of stage and screen, helped the Cool Treat Kids foment rebellion within the cooling unit of the Fudgies' fridge. Yeah.

The main arc last episode was we had to wreck a fridge. Yes, by unionizing the components therein. Elves, yeah. In the form of several elves on pedal bikes, which went off without a hitch, except for all the hitches that happened. Yeah. After that, the Fudgies absolutely imploded. Fenton grabbed a handful of coins from the cash register. Franklin punched a bunch of teenage boys in the guts. Yeah, they had it coming. And Clover pushed over a cauldron of molten fudge. That was disastrous. Yeah.

That's going to be talked about for years. Oh, yeah. This is like, that's going to be the thing that happened during Big Market. Honestly, what were they thinking, though, keeping the big pot of molten fudge next to their fridge? I know. You're absolutely right. They deserved it. And after that, you return to the sugar shack to find Borbo Borbom Borblo speaking with Blarth and trying to explain to him that just because he likes somebody doesn't mean that they have to like him back.

And it was a nice, friendly, moment between two youngish men that ended with Blarth getting a new lease on life. He went to go organize his trading cards and he had a great time. You gave Borbo a puppet that he loved, little Borblo. And you dealt with a hobnoblin who had gone insane after consuming handful after handful of cayenne pepper, which is now living in your vents. Yeah, we pushed a big box of chocolate, but against the entry. So we're like, it's mostly dealt contained. Yeah.

Every once in a while you hear skittering in the sugar shack, but so far the hobnoblin has not revealed itself during this day. Oh, thank God. This day, the beginning of the second day of big market last day, maybe, maybe it's a two day thing. Sure. Three days. It's like Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yeah. Or the fantasy equivalent there in. So good. Big market itself is like three days. Okay. But the setup takes forever. And people get excited for weeks ahead. Yeah.

And the teardown also is just like when unofficial sales happen. Yeah. Totally. Totally. People are selling curtains and tables. Yeah. It's like 80% off. Yeah. Yeah. Come from all the principalities of wide just for the free boxes alone. Oh yeah. So is this sale day or is this the day before sale day? The day before sale day. Okay. Day before sale day. And the cool treat kids have it today is the day that they are going to attempt to make the remaining five.

Coins required to break last year's record. At least. Yeah. At least five more coins. Yeah. Fuck. And then we can maybe take this to the food court. Maybe we got some fucking rep. So what's your plan for today? How are you going to make that extra coin? When are we going to grab our bikes? Yeah. We are going to load up our wares and sell them. Bike around. Yeah. Around the market. Perfect. Mobile shop. We get to describe our bikes now. Yeah. Okay. Let's go. Let's go. Left to right. Fenton.

Training. Wheels on the back and front. Kind of a quad. So it has five. Six. That is right. So cute. Right. Technically it's a hex. It's not a quad. Yeah. And he's got streamers on the, on the things and he's got a basket with a picture of a strawberry on it. Um, and it's got rainbow colored, like foamies all over it. He's kind of embarrassed by it. Cause it sounds awesome. Definitely a girl's bike. It's got a banana seat. Nice. But he can't, he's too small to fit on the seat.

It's too big a bike for him. So he sits on the foamies. He has to sit on the foamies. Oh, like in the, on the front bar on the front bar. Oh, his poor little crotch. Yeah. Are you basing this on how your kid rides his bike? No, I'm basing it on my first bike. It had a strawberry on it. That's so cute. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. I had the girliest bike on my blog. That's amazing. I love that so much. Uh, Franklin's bike. Uh, it's a big wheel. I don't know if you remember those.

You sit pretty much on the ground. It has a gigantic wheel and the pedals are attached directly on either side of the wheel. Sick. There is flames on the handlebar. Oh, it's got mud flaps with silhouettes of naked ladies on them that say back off. Um, and there is, uh, he's got a neon rope lights in the back of his bike. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. He's got little tires so that when you ride, it's like swirls rope color. Fuck. Super. Yes. Cool. Cool.

His, uh, his, uh, social worker picked them up at burning man. And in the front wheel spokes, he's got those little plastic things from the eighties that when you ride, they do. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The little beads that go on the spikes. Yeah. Yeah. Sick. So this bike, I'm going to base off my real life. First bike. My first big girl bike. Here we go. Yeah. It was pale pink. So this one's pale. It's pale pink, white rubbery handles, a hodgepodge basket that I'm just going to add for fun.

There's stickers of rainbows and a white seat and streamers. But in spout more Mall Brats, it's a bunch of dried lavender. Yeah. Smells so good. Yeah. And still tons of rainbow and stars stickers that glow and are shiny. And my icon sailor moon, which is just in malls. Mall Brats is really famous lady sailor, sailor Mona. That's awesome. Yeah. Famous lady sailor that Clover loves. Yeah. Pirate queen. Yeah. Cool. And I bought it from one of those like sticker vending machines at the pool. Yeah.

You put a spear buck in it, it spits out a random sticker. You have to go a couple of times to make sure you get the one you want. Yeah. And it's just two wheels. I don't need any training wheels because I can do a fucking wheelie on this thing. Whoa. Holy shit. Oh shit. Hell yeah. That's why she has one in prowess. Wow. Yeah. Maybe that's how Fenton fell in love with Clover initially. He's kind of like moving on romantically. Yeah. To Penny. Yeah. To Penny. That's his new fixation.

His new obsession. Yeah. But he was, I think when he originally got abandoned in the mall, he saw Clover biking and Clover was doing a sustained wheelie and he was like, oh my God. That's how I usually ride my bike. It's just. Just go. And when you stop, you're doing that like back and forth, like unicycle thing. Hey, what's up? I hop around. I'm like, guys, are you coming? Oh my God. You're intimidating. This is based on real life. Little kid, Jessica. She was like a fucking bike pro.

Holy shit. What? BMX. BMX bandit. Cool. So yeah, you've got your bike crew ready to go and you're just riding out to big market packing up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is today a selling candy weapons day, a selling candy day or a both day? I mean, the fudgios. Yeah. Fudgios shut down. We were hoping to get their market. Like we just wanted people. We wanted to steal some of their demographics. So yeah. Those people are going to be looking for something sweet. Yeah.

So we're definitely bringing, we're stocking back up on candies and I'm also selling poultices. The ones I made last night. Cause I know there's going to be a lot of burn victims. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're making our own business. Holy shit. Nice. I need to help, but I need to also profit. Licorice poultices. Amazing. And I think the, uh, the logic is maybe. That like, cause we're kind of on the edge of the zone. Yeah.

And like people are kind of scattered now within the mall, like trying to find another sweet booth. So we're just going to bike to them and like, we're not in the best location. Maybe. Yeah. Snakes and wizard hats. Not great. Yeah. And I think you, Linda and Dwat's budding romance has been pretty off putting for a lot of people. The glitter at my fortune telling tent is like scattered. Everyone like, what the fuck? Where are all my pillows everywhere?

Dwat and you Linda are both covered in glitter. It smells like a camel in here. What did you guys, did you take anything? No. What are you talking about? Why'd you go scrumbling around in my, my tent? I wasn't scrumbling anywhere. Oh, we did a little bit of scrumbling. Dwat. You little scoundrel. Well, clean it up or whatever. We will. There's still two more days of big market, baby. Maybe the tent is still going to be in use. Who knows? Well, we'll be back later. Okay.

We'll just make sure that you make a lot of noise when you come back. And Fenton's like, we'll let you use the tent for five spear bucks a day. And, uh, she looks at Dwat and Dwat closes his eyes and gives one nod. Sick. And you Linda goes, deal kids deal. Starting today. No wonder you become a doctor. Dr. Fenton Beasley, PhD, DDS. PhD and fucking getting that. Skrill. Getting that quiche, baby. Dr. Dada's. How many spear bucks are there in a gold coin? Did we say? Two for one? Two to one? No.

It's that the food court gives kids two spear bucks for every one coin that they give the food court. Yeah. And I think maybe the money changers are discouraged from like. Ooh, yeah. Letting like the kid gangs just actually get normal exchange rates for spear bucks. Yeah. And then they're like, oh, we're going to have to do this. Yeah.

So that a, the food court can like keep track of like which kids are doing the best because we have to exchange it with the food court and also so that they can continue to extort their underlings. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Exploited labor, basically. Yeah. They go around to all the money trees, whatever the place is called. It's a literal tree with a little guy is sitting in the branches. It's an elf. Give me your coins. Give me your coins. Yeah.

All the money's tucked into the branches, like in little nests. Yeah. Yeah. It's an enchanted tree. It turns coins into coins. Cool. Okay. So what is the nicer part of the big market market that you are headed to? They mean the fancier part? Yeah. Cause you were, you were saying that you're going to go to a place that has better. I think we're just going to like bike around. Okay, cool. You're just going to bike around the section that you're in, which is still pretty big. Cool. Yeah.

And this is where we've created demand. Yeah. Yeah. By killing those kids. Uh huh. And burning all those fudging people. Yeah. Yeah. I bet, I bet this market is near poofs kind of. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Definitely like the food, like the free food zone. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So it's on the other side of the elf stage. Yeah. But it's one of the places that people that have like little food stands that are near poofs are like, God damn it.

Cause people just go to poofs cause it's a great time and the food's pretty cheap and people nearby are like, man, people just keep going to poofs cause they're, uh, cream poofs are delicious. Yeah. Yeah. They're delicious. And their, their mac and cheese poofs are amazing. Everything they sell that has the word poof in it, there's like a little wizard head jammed into it. So it's like the cream puffs are the wizard's body.

So it's like you put a wizard, a little plastic wizard head, little stick arms, little legs. Yeah, exactly. It's amazing. It's disgusting and horrific. A lot of people accidentally eat the plastic part. So bad for the environment. Oh yeah. Uh, yeah. So that's the plan. You're going to just try and bike around and sell as much candy to people as possible. I would love to go in front of poofs cause as an environmentalist, I don't want them eating plastic.

I'm going to be like, look, I have all natural chocolate covered things, not wrapped in plastic. Just loose in my hand. Just loose. Yeah. In my hand or if for extra, you know, money and sanitariness. Sandhariness is what she said. Sandhariness. Yeah. They come in a reusable paper bag or for an extra money, a cloth pouch that you can reuse or for a little extra more and edible sack. Okay. I love it. Hold on.

Does this sound like, does you guys, does you guys getting five coins sound like a clock potentially? Yeah. All right. Clocking it up. What is the project clock? Uh, money. How many squares? So yeah, we'll call it eight again. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. One of them is one and eight will give us 23. So like if you, if you succeed with great effect, you get three coins instead of just one coin. Yeah. Gotcha. Good. Yeah.

I like that. Okay, great. So eight coins on the table coin the first, I'm going to say this is a group app group activity selling some stuff in front of poofs. Yeah. So who's leading this group activity? Oh man. Can you attune into it? You'd have to really go to the page.

Make a case for it yeah I'm gonna like be like what are people like in the mood for this hour like kind of brunchy hour what are they feeling is this the crowd these people have kids they care about the future of our planet the tune totally as we've set up a tune as being this like vibey thing that totally makes sense trying to read the crowd sick okay so we can do this either as group activity which is everybody rolls the same thing you take the highest result or you can each take a stress to give clover an additional die to roll I cannot take a stress yeah frankly can't take any more is peaked with stress that's fine like you can all roll individual stuff but it's just like it's harder individually right than it would be as a group activity but it would avoid stress for franklin yeah yeah there's just more potential consequence if each of you fails basically yeah yeah so this is all going to be um it's harder on your own I'm going to say that if you all succeed it's going to be limited effect like per success because you're all going to be able to do it on your own so if you all succeed it's going to be you're basically in a crowd by yourself like trying to hawk your individual wares it's really tough okay but it's a controlled thing like if you fail it's not going to be a huge disaster clover you first yeah and I'm rolling with a tune yeah oh six all right so you can mark a pie piece on that chart so how does this look that's her opening move that is how a hundred percent how clover opens and a middle-aged woman jump sorry ma'am oh I'm so sorry excuse me you scared me little girl pardon me for my rudeness I forgot my manners oh not at all I vibe she's stressed out uh she is uptight she's middle-aged oh yeah therefore she would rather fall in chocolate nice read oh man yeah you got her nailed to a t and by her the sound of her voice I think she comes with money can I ask where you're on your way to oh me yeah I'm heading to poofs for a little breakfast poof yes are you let me guess you're more of a sweet breakfast kind of person than savory right how did you know you just have like this like air of sweetness about you oh you have a little bit of air of sweetness about you too can I uh can I offer you an aperitif oh we're selling freshly made this morning chocolate coconut orbs oh please tell me more I uh coconut inside with with um uh chocolate ganache of sorts milk and dark together swirled into a flavor galaxy topped with a sprinkle of pomegranate uh oh and just for the listeners so they know what jessica's doing uh if you've ever seen the prince of egypt and you know and you've seen like those fake like magicians that were working for the pharaoh doing all their like dumb tricks it's that's exactly what she's doing it's very convincing she's working on this lady that's for sure I'll even give you a free sample of the chocolate ganache for free for free for free for people if you're interested oh I daren't and she takes it right out of your hand pops it in her mouth and her eyes light up with joy oh she makes that noise that's like too sexual that a lot of like middle-aged women do when they eat something they like she goes oh that is just orgasmic clover holds back a barf I you know my husband he's a pilot mm-hmm and uh him and I would occasionally sail across the bay of pinus to panusia and we would sample delights just like this he's a pilot I should say he pilots a vessel okay that's amazing story wow so obviously you're well versed in the flavor experience I absolutely am I love flavors well can I interest you in a bag to take home to share with you and your husband okay why not it's one coin per bag oh a steal oh for such a culinary experience is this you're also welcome to leave a tip voluntary I'll stick with the one coin but thank you so much and I look at you guys I'm like fuck sorry what a fucking bitch she just gave you a gold coin I know but fendon it he's like what you fucking can't even tip a spear book I think he's talking to franklin yeah she's like what a fucking bitch and she takes it and she walks away and she's popping a coin and she's in her mouth just going oh enjoy your brunch oh enjoy those mimosas and she's gone also this is and this is like over the next 20 minutes clover's just killing it with these middle-aged ladies going out to brunch she's just nailing them to the wall I come back for a break I'm like I'm so tired you guys these old ladies are so hard to talk to yeah they've been monologuing at you like fucking crazy you have to pretend to be interested in their stupid stories so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so I I I have an idea.

All right. Is that okay? Oh, please. Okay. So, Fenton, he's in a weird headspace for sure right now. He's seeing everyone as his enemies. So, he's like sitting on his bike. And it's, you know that thing where training wheels bikes, usually the training wheels aren't like level. Yeah. So, you can flip back and forth. Well, he's got two on the front, two on the back. So, he's like doing like a four. Like, it's like clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. It's like a square dancing.

Yeah, kind of. Yeah. And he's like looking into poofs where like the waiters are like, hey, welcome to poofs. Your magical dreams come true. And he's just like those arrogant motherfuckers selling food indoors, clink, and thinking that they're better than me, clink, because they have an apron, clink. A apron. Buddy, we can get you an apron, pal. He's not listening. So, he wants to evacuate poofs. Like, everyone that's in there eating, he wants them to come out here and like reject poofs. Uh-huh.

Reject poofs. So, I need to spend a stress to do a flashback. Ooh, okay. Cool. All right. Yeah. Tell me about the flashback. So, he's buying a bunch of rats. Okay. Wait, buying? Rats are free. That's what Franklin and Clover tell Fenton after the fact. Everybody buys a bunch of rats. They're free, dummy. They're everywhere. I got all these rats for only 15 coins. 15 coins. Can I take all the spirit bucks? I take all the spirit bucks. Yeah, there's nine spirit bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know a rat guy. You got a guy. Yeah. What about? I don't know if Dwat has a friend. Oh, yeah. Oh, a rat guy. Dwat's the snake guy. He knows a rat guy, though. Dwat, you know a rat guy, right? Yeah, I know a rat guy. Where is he? In the abandoned cheese factory. Yeah, they're near the cheese factory. The old cheese factory. This conversation's happening while Dwat's head is poked out of the tent. Yeah, he's really sweaty. His hair's all matted.

His beard's like been braided and clipped into his hair. What is happening in there? Yeah. It's just good to get it out of the way. Sometimes. Oh, God. Anyways, you know where the cheese factory is, right? Or was, I suppose. Yeah, it's in the collapsed part of the mall, right? Yeah, it's in the collapsed part of the mall. Okay, yeah, I'm going to go there. All right. Charles's cheese. Charles's cheese. Charles's cheese collapsed on Charles Eve. And then Dwat goes, okay, well, I'll see you later.

And he's very careful to make sure you can't see anything between the flaps of the tent as he closes it around his face. Ooh. Ooh. And a little giggle. Yeah. You're going to a different part of the mall that we've never been to. That's collapsed. Yes. Cool. And so you're going to a place that is called Charles's Cheese or the Old Cheese Factory, but it's not a factory factory. It's like a restaurant that used to serve cheese-based things, but it's been since collapsed and empty.

So you enter this cheese factory and it's dark. There's light coming in from like skylights. There's lights that have fallen down at weird angles. So there's beams of light cutting across this dark and dusty restaurant. Hello. Skitter, skitter, skitter. I'm looking for the rat man. Rat man. Oh, you're looking for the rat man, are you? Are you? And it like echoes around the room. Coming from everywhere. Yeah. And Fred is like, I guess he's like trying to turn around, but he's still on his bike.

He's trying to get his bike. He's picking it up and doing that like skitter in a circle thing. Looking for the rat man. I'm trying to find the rat man. The rats are looking for you as well. Skitter, skitter, skitter. Rat man, I want to buy some rats from you. You want to buy some rats, do you? Just fucking stop doing this. I just want to buy some rats. He doesn't know who you are. He doesn't trust you. Oh. It's the rat man. I'm the rat man. I live with the rats. Can I do a consort? Yeah.

But I mean, literally, if you would just tell him who you were, who sent you here, it might help. Okay. I'm Fenton. I'm from the cool tree kids. And I was sent here by God himself. What the fuck? It's weird. Fenton's very weird. Rats know no God, but I'm not God. The God of rats. Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats. I want to buy some of your rats and give them a better life in poofs. Ah. And a little tiny guy steps up from a corner. You should have said so. I'm the rat man.

What's it going to take to get you into a rat today? I have nine spear bucks. I'll buy as many rats as that'll get me. Nine spear bucks. A king's ransom of rats. You're going to give me nine whole spear bucks? Eight. Very well. Nine it is. And for you, my finest rats in my rattiest sacks. And he pulls out a huge bag that's just squirming. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat. I'm a rat.

My rattiest sacks. And he pulls out a huge bag that's just squirming. Okay, cool, thank you. What do you need rats for? Is this for distraction, for food, for agriculture, what? I guess it's for distraction slash revenge. Ah, revenge rats. I know them well. He pats the bag, and it goes, squeak. These'll do the trick for you. Okay, awesome, here's nine spear bucks. And he lets go of the bag, and he starts, like, scrubbling the… Scrub the… Scrub the… Scrub the… Scrub the…

Scrubbling is just a descriptor It works it's better than Russell Scrubble who's Russell He's the he coined the term Scrubble his name was Russell Scrubbler He was a world renowned scavenger And he just starts Scrubbling the spear bucks in front of his face And he goes oh yes I am no longer rat man I am spear buck man and he scrabbles Into a vent and he's gone Fucking weird place We live And Fenton tosses the rat sack into his Strawberry basket Oh no what no This bag is huge You gotta tie it to your bike And drag it back to poofs Oh man yeah he puts it on a little Skateboard and he ties the bag to his Bike yeah he's like Like he's Pretty fucking sweaty at this point Oh yeah this is a lot of rats It's like One pedal Squeak Squeak Squeak Squeak!

Yeah so that's the flashback Is Fenton bought some rats from the rat man Those poultices are gonna come in handy With all the rat bites that are gonna happen Definitely gonna happen Fenton already has a few Oh definitely Sorry I've been dealing with the rats all day And the thing that you said Sorry I've been dealing with the rats all day Is literally the first thing that Clover has heard about the rats What rats? Okay so what's Franklin's plan? Hmm What could be nearby poofs?

A sports store Oh what if like What if like a store Two down from poofs Is like a weight loss Like workout zone Yeah yeah yeah yeah And it's like people who are like No I'm definitely sticking to my new years resolution My Charles Eve resolution Charles Eve resolution He's going to like crack him out of it Yeah Pretty good Oh for a He leads an aerobics class Cause he's got the moves Oh Dance aerobics class A Zumba class A Zumba class There it is And you can sell these as like Weight loss supplements Oh yeah Yes Yes These look and taste super fattening and sugary But they're not It's negative calories Wow What are you referring to specifically?

The chocolate balls Oh truffle thing Oh the truffle Coconut balls Okay cool Coconut orbs Is what Clover called them Cool So I'm gonna go with that one I'm gonna go to the What's the fantasy name for Jenny Craig?

It's called Sweat Em Ups Sweat Em Ups Yeah Great And inside you can see a bunch of people on bikes Not unsimilar to the ones that you saw the elves riding In the Fudgies cooling unit Oh yeah they're working fans in front of them Yeah exactly Yeah and there's a person with one of those Bands around their waist that just jiggles them It's really unclear what it actually does But you see that it's not motorized It's just a person standing behind them going Nap that's the person that's getting the work out That's the person getting the work out That person is wrapped I've only worked here for a week They're sweating ten times as hard as the person getting jiggled So yeah so Franklin's just walking in Yeah I mean I would like to use my command and my skirmish sway To tell the person that's about to teach the class to get the hell out of here Totally I'll threaten them Alright yeah that sounds great Hell yeah So there's a So there's yeah there's somebody who's like getting ready like Okay everybody time to come over here We're gonna do some dancing He's doing his calisthenics stretching at the back Yeah Time to stretch my back Before I work He's talking to himself He's singing Gonna stretch my calves And then my other calves Which is calf over here Not the left one Thighs And then he does a deep squat And he's just doing that He's like whip thin He's got a long muscle He's got a long muscle He's got a mustache Totally different from what I was imagining Oh what were you expecting?

I was imagining a guy in a very tight polo shirt With his gut hanging out the bottom And like short shorts Even better Thick thighs And he's got a whistle on a cord around his neck He's a gym teacher From Earth in 1985 Time for my thighs This is his second job Yeah his first job was a gym teacher At a high school that had a portal to the Spout Lore universe He fell into a portal And now he's just a gym teacher In a fantasy world And you walk up to this guy in the polo shirt No no no I just go to the front class He's the guy that's teaching the class I'm gonna out teach the class Holy fuck this is gonna be amazing to watch Um wow The participants are gonna be so confused You know what?

So am I Yeah so the guy's like alright everybody it's time for us to start dancing So come over here and get your body moving And he walks over to a jug And he uh Yanks the cork out of it And he goes like And he's stepping side to side going like Step to the side and step to the side And use your legs to step both sides Move your arms and get real hot Sweat sweat sweat Move your body And he's just dancing and people are starting to listen to him and dance along And Franklin goes up behind him What are you doing kid?

Oh hey man I'm just your assistant I'm just making sure it's a big room lots of people You just do you I'm just gonna copy you from back here I'm just following your lead What?

Hey everyone And Franklin is copying him Shut up I'm trying to dance here That's right Be quiet everybody Move your gut to the left and right Even if you don't have a gut Go to the left Kid shut up You gotta step and step and step again Step in this way lose some weight Put your arms up to lose more weight Kid what the hell Work your upper body while you step That's right you in the back Looking good Hey buddy You've been doing this a while Go ahead they're yours again No but I thought they were supposed to be mine no matter what You keep talking over me He jumps up there's a barb of him he does chin ups No Chin ups No no no don't look at him No don't look at him I can do chin ups too He jumps up and he goes Oh no He's inexorably pulling himself up Into a chin up He's doing it but it's real slow Franklin goes one One Two Three Four Five Six Eight Ten Eighty Eighty Eighty Nine Ten And he's got himself up at the top of the chin up and he's going Shut up kid Back down No problem What are you rolling for this?

Yeah my finesse I guess Okay great so yeah you would roll one die and this is risky With great effect You can do it you can do it Yes Whoa whoa whoa Two Oh fuck So that is sadly a failure Okay Dang Alright so um you The guy has pulled himself up into another chin up and now he's getting going He's getting the steam rolling He's doing chin up after chin up and all the people in the room started looking at this guy going Whoa no fuckin way And all of the sudden people are just like Chin up chin Up And he keeps doing chin ups and no one's Him teaching Him teaching No one's even paying attention to you And it's part of what's helped is the fact that he's somehow like gotten the whistle into his mind into his mouth, and he's just screaming into the whistle, and everyone in the gym is coming to see what the fuck's going on.

Yeah, and he's just doing chin-up after chin-up with a screeching whale blowing through the air. And you hear in the background, How's he doing that? He's got such skinny arms! I'll tell you how he's doing it. With these diet supplement chocolates. And the teenage girl, as you're trying to sell your chocolates, comes up and slaps him out of your hand. And goes, Get out! I'm gone. And, okay, hey, guess what, guys? What? The complication for this? Well, I'm starting a competing clock. Oh, no.

Two clocks. Damn it, sorry, gang. Cool tree kids. So there's a bad clock now. Bad clock. How many pie pieces is it? It's eight pie pieces as well. Okay. So as Franklin is leaving the gym, like, Oh, man, that didn't work out. Nuts. That guy's chin-up skills are incredible. Shouldn't have challenged an adult. You see a sweaty person leaving the gym, wiping their face and talking to their other sweaty friend, like, Wow, I wish I could get as sweaty as that guy one day.

And another kid on a bike with, like, a metal canister on the back rides up really fast and skids to a halt in front of the sweaty people and is like, Hey, you know what works the best for sweat? What's that? It's eggnog. And he opens up his, like, little cool canister. And pulls out a ladle and scoops a bunch of eggnog into a cup and gives it to a person who swigs it back and goes, Wow, I feel better already. Ding. And a coin flips through the air.

The kid snatches it and goes, Thanks a lot, folks. Have a great day. Ugh, the nog. Fucking rival. Nog hogs. Fucking nog hogs. He rides up to you on his bike really slow and goes, Hey, cool tree kid. Can't help but notice that you're blowing it. Yeah. You saw that? Oh, I saw that. And even if I didn't see it, I could smell it on your face. You know what? I can smell it on your face? Dried blood in about five minutes. You don't hit the fucking road. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know what? I'm pretty fucking stressed out right now. And I can smell your cinnamon nog. It's driving me nuts. Hey, you know what? You got to deal with failure, kid. I know I'm younger than you, but I'm going to call you kid anyway because it's derisive. This is driving me insane. Yeah, and you know what else is going to drive you insane? The concerted effort to steal your market by the, and he flips up the collar on his jean jacket. The watch. The watch. Wild nog.

Sick wild nog patches under his jean jacket. So I'll see you on the road, baby. And he flips the sleeves out on his jean jacket and he rides away. Not if I don't see you first, chit. That doesn't really, who cares? So the competing clause here is every time you guys fail, the clock for the wild nogs is going to tick up. No. And eventually they're going to take over this section and they're going to clean it out. Wow. Fuck. Hey there. Fenty Beasley here.

A guy gave me six beer bucks to break into the PA system for the mall and play this bottle full of ads for you. So get ready here. Come. Hi, my name is Dr. Dan DeGlod, DMD, Esquire, MSN.BC. Hi, I'm representing you, hopefully in the future. Dan's Divorce. Got married recently? Congratulations. Not going as awesome as you thought? Well, here at the High Spear Mall, there's a statute of limitations on how long you have to be married. Let me show them the door. Dan's Divorce.

The best part of waking up is divorce in your cup. Are you looking for a D&D podcast with actual stakes? A world where every day is a day. A world where every day is a day. Every decision the cast makes is met with consequence. Then journey to the world of Theria on Dungeons & Randomness. We're an actual play podcast with over 14 years of stories. And our newest arc, Frostborn, was created with new listeners in mind. Check out Dungeons & Randomness wherever you get your podcasts.

And join our incredible community for the adventure of a lifetime. All right. That was all the ads that were in the bottle. I think. Unless they fucked it up somehow and nothing played. Anyway, he gave me six beer bucks. So jokes on that, loser. Bye. Bye. We cut to Fenton and Clover near Poofs. A wild nog rips by on his bike. Wow. There's a lot of bike kids around today. That's a sick bike. Yeah. Wild nog. Dumb. Dumb name. Dumb. What do you have on you and in that bag that's moving a lot?

Sorry, yeah. It's a bunch of rats for the poofs plan. Plan? Plan? And Franklin can roll up at the same time, yeah. Plan? Yeah. So here's my plan. I got a bunch of rats from the rat man. Go on. And I gave him all of our money. What? Sorry, yeah. I fucked up the negotiation. You gave him 15 coins? What the hell, man? No, I gave him all his spear bucks. Oh. Yeah. I fucked up the negotiation. I started with the amount we had. I highballed him. Oh, Ben, that was my hot dog money. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But I got these rats. Friggin' flippin' heck. You paid nine spear bucks for a bag of rats? But there is revenge rats, so they're purpose built for what we're doing. You know you can get them for free, right? Where? The rat man. Rat. He can't wait to get rid of them. It's not even a money thing. He's just got a ton of rats. He's like, please take my rats. Trying to get rid of these rats for years. You just got scammed. Are you fucking serious? I'm so serious right now.

God, this better work. Son of a bitch. God damn it, Fenton. Okay. That one's on me. . But here's my plan. What? I'm going to take this into the back entrance of Poofs. Yeah. And I'm going to do that thing where I'm so boring nobody remembers me. That is not what it is. And then I'm going to get the bag real mad first. He's referring to it as a single entity now. Yeah. And then I'm going to dump him in the kitchen and then run out of the kitchen and be like, There's rats in here. Everybody run.

They're fucking racist. If this is successful, you're not going to have to tell anybody that there's rats in here. They'll know. And then everyone in Poofs is going to come out here and then they're going to want chocolate, cause they're going to be so fucking stressed out and scared and stuff. Clover is irate, but she's like, you know what I'm, you better be right, Fenton. I think it'll work. I think it'll work. I think it'll work. I just don't see how everyone flooding out of, I love it.

We'll figure it out. Everyone flooding. So chocolate, you guys have to be out here to like command and convince them to fucking buy shit. I think that, I think it's the kind of thing that like, it's not going to be like you're selling chocolate as they're running out of the place, but like the fallout of a restaurant full of people flooding into big market is like, okay, then we can, we can pick them off later on. It's not like they're going to run into your chocolate trap.

And all their money's going to be left behind. Franklin and I, let's devise a plan. Yeah. Okay. So when they're running out, we're going to pretend like these are on sale. So it's a fucking deal to be had. And they haven't had their desserts yet. They got cut off mid meal. They're still hungry. Totally. All right. And we have to hate rats too. We have to hate rats too. And we're like, gross, this is anti-rat. I'm going to run with them. Yeah. Start running away.

If they're running and you get the ones who are just gathering at the front. Fuck yeah. High five. Oh man. Sorry. I'm still laughing at Fenton being like, so I got some rats from the rat man. And Clover's like, okay. Just such a statement to make, to have somebody be like, sure. It counts among the least weird of things that Fenton has said. I mean, I guess, so this sounds like, this sounds like a desperate rule instead of risky. Okay. And, but again, great effect.

Cause it's one of those things like so stupid. It just, it just might work. Okay. So you drag a big bag of rats to the entrance to the kitchen of poops. Yeah. And, uh, I guess I'm going to use sway and resolve. Yeah. Desperate and great effect, which means if it goes bad, it's going to go real bad. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Five. So, uh, yeah. So that's a partial success. Partial success. Okay. So Fenton, you drag the bag of rats to the service entrance. There's nobody at the service entrance.

It's not like, it's not like a vault. There's nobody guarding the door to a kitchen. Yeah. He, uh, he hops up, trips the door handle and go, one walks in. Uh huh. And there's like people cook like chopping food. And then I, he's like, just a little kid, dragging a giant bag into a kitchen squirming and squeaking bag. Yeah. It's only a matter of time before, uh, uh, like, uh, an adult. Yeah. An adult. What are they called? A girl adult. Yeah. Looks at you and goes, Hey, who are you? Oh, me.

I'm your worst fucking nightmare. And then he dumps the bag. Yup. Instant pandemonium. There's been a lot of pandemonium at this big market so far. And rats just fucking flood out of this bag. And they're roiling over each other like they're a single entity. And they spread like a plague through the kitchen. People flip the fuck out. And Fenton, starts running. And then it's slow motion. Rats sailing through the air next to him. Like cresting like a wave. Yeah. And like in a John Woo movie.

He dives and they flip out. They furl out around him. Yeah. From like, he like bursts through the door. Yeah. And just as it speeds back up, it's Fenton hitting the door to the restaurant. And then coming out. And then he's like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, There's one guy who's just sitting there and he's eating a shrimp scampi. He doesn't seem concerned. But most people are losing their minds.

And there's a flood of people that run out of poofs right in front of you guys. Sale! Chocolate sale! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-sale! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-sale! Yeah, and I'm holding up bags of chocolates. I'm like… Energy balls! Energy balls! Uh-huh. Powerful energy balls! Yeah. And Franklin's out there in the crowd. It's like over the next 20 minutes, you kind of pick off a bunch of people that ran out of poofs. However, the wild nogs have caught wind of the exodus of poofs.

And they're ripping around on their bikes, slinging their nog like the wild nogs they are. Fuck them. What? Can I try and skirmish them up? Oh, yeah. You could try and beat one of them up. Okay, so I'll say this. Spill their money. You do get the great effect. So, one, two, three. Three. Three additional coins. Wow. 19 now. So, you're one coin away from the record. Wow. And four coins away from basically getting as much money as you can out of these people. Sick. Sick.

But the nogs are starting to catch up. Fuck these nogs. Yeah, and all this pandemonium. I just want to start fucking the shit up. Yeah. So, there's one of the nogs just gets done slinging some nog. And he's packing up his little cooled container on the back of his bike. But he's unattended for the moment, Franklin. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess… I'll… I'll… I'll just go up there and threaten him to give me his bike and his money. Straight up jack this little piece of shit. Absolutely not.

Oh, yeah? A nog is nothing without his steel hog. I'm gonna hog your… I'm gonna knob… Gobble on that nog, you little hog. Now, hold on. I'm not certain that you know what you're saying. But it's not very threatening. It holds up the toffee knuckles. Oh, I see. Okay. I get it. Gives him a little lick. He's like… Revenge is sweet, motherfucker. I was scared. Then you licked it. Then I was less scared. Then you said, revenge is sweet, motherfucker. Now I'm scared again.

No one understands you. So, yeah. So, this is command? Yes. Yeah. Here we go. Don't do it. Taking everything he wants. Send him a goodbye. Oh, God. Two. Fuck. Whoa. Really bad. Okay. Okay. He's starting to quiver a little bit. He's like, oh, hey, look. Look, pal. I just… Just work for the… For the nog hogs. Okay? Like, please, you don't have to… And then two more wild nogs. Screech! On either side of him. Clever girls. What are you doing, pal? I'm trying to make my way in this world.

Just like you pieces of shit. Well, you better back off. Because this is… And they all flip up the colors of their jean jackets. Wild nogs territory now. Can I fight them with wreck? Yeah, you can wreck whatever you want on them. Franklin does kind of have them currently distracted. Yeah. What do I do? I don't know. Yeah. You could ram your bike into their… Domino their bikes into each other. You know, use my… Because I'm a sick cyclist. Yeah.

I need to just wipe out the backs of their bike. Oh, yeah. Use your fucking bike moves. Yeah. So, wreck is in prowess. Yes. And you have prowess. I do. So, two. Holy shit. Six. Six. Holy shit. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. This was, again, risky but standard. So, this is going to be two. Yeah. Wow. Okay. So, Franklin, like, chat him up. I have… I see her, like, pedaling. Yeah. She's going to get her bike and coming in. She's doing that bull thing.

You see her, like, swiping her feet on the ground. Getting the right friction. Totally. This little psycho. And then she starts pedaling really fast. She's going… Yeah. I start rolling on my sleeves. Like, all right, boys. It's you and… It's the three of you and the one of me. We're doing this right now. Oh, yeah. Mono-y, mono-y. Mono-y, mono-y. Mono-y, mono-y, mono. They start getting off their bikes. They've all left their bikes. They put down the kickstands.

They put up these little flags that say, uh, back in five. And they roll up the sleeves of their jean jackets. It takes them a long time because it's a really stiff, thick material. You want some help with that? No. I'm going to… I'm going to… I'm going to get some help from your faith. Your faith is going to help me roll up my sleeve. And at that point, Clover throws her bike up into a wheelie and just zooms in. Zooms over their bikes and grabs one of their backpacks.

Yeah, so you knock all of their bikes over. The nog blows out of the fucking canisters. Their bike wheels are bent out of shape. Mm-hmm. I'm like, F you, suckers. You don't mess with the cool tree kids. And I just flip them all birds. Nice. On a bike, no hands on the handlebars. All birds in the air. On a wheelie. And I flick my lavender hair behind me. And I'm like, eat dog. Eat her. And they all turn around and go, our nog. And they run up and they're trying to scoop it in. Like, no.

And then they see their bikes. Our hogs. Our hogs. Our nog and our hogs. This is the worst day ever. And Clover goes and skids to a halt somewhere else high off for victory. Yeah. And goes through the backpack and finds two coins worth of currency. And like, you're counting in your head like, whoa, we're at… 21. 21 coins. We're rich. That's the most that… That any kid has ever made within your memory of Big Market. Wow. Six months. Yeah. Yeah.

I met up with Benton a little further down the court. He was eating a big plate of spaghetti that he stole from Poofs. It had a rat on it at some point, but what do you do? Yeah. It's a family size spaghetti. Sick. Can I have a meatball? Fine. What? What? He's a gluttonous little shit. Yeah. Fine. I eat it like, but I'm like, oh wait, it's beef. I can't have it. You eat corn dogs though. You know that, right? Yeah, but they're vegan. I would never eat real meat.

Benton understands that she needs to keep this illusion. So he's like, okay, yeah, sure. I'll give you one of the vegan meatballs. And he spears what he gives it to her. Thanks. And she's just like, shakily putting it to her face. And Franklin, you find your friends eating illicit spaghetti. Hey, that was some mean bike work. Thanks, man. Hey man, that was an amazing rat job. Thanks, man. All hallowed be to the rat man, our Lord and savior. All hail the rat king.

Franklin looks like he's been through it today. He looks like he's had a hard time at Big Market. Him? Yeah. Yeah. Franklin, what's up, man? Man, I am. I'm stressed. Oh, you gotta, you gotta take some time for your self care. Yeah, you gotta take it easy. And then Fenton's like, I was going to save this for later as a celebration thing. But, and then he like takes his backpack off and he opens it up. And he's like, I stole a family platter of ribs. Ribs? I know they're your favorite.

And he pushes it. It's too fit. Oh. There's so much barbecue sauce inside of his backpack. Oh, yeah. It's mostly sauce. It's more of a sauce pack now than there's anything else. Let me go get you some kombucha, too, to wash it down. That's okay. I don't need that. I just. No, you do. I just. No. I'm going to go get it. This is for you. I understand. Thank you so much. I just haven't danced for myself in a long time, you know? What are you waiting for, Franklin? The world's your stage.

Just like Ref Shlushlin said. Smushlin. Smushlin. Smushlin. Yeah, I was always dancing to impress him these last few days. I know. But you just got to move for yourself. Feel the energy of the earth flow through you. I will. And then I guess we start singing. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, Is there a way we can make money doing this?

Yeah. I mean, yeah, potentially. You think, like, you're at your goal. You're over your goal. But you think that you could maybe squeeze a little bit more. Oh. A coin out of this crowd. Yeah, I guess when he does it for himself, that's when he goes into tux mode. Yeah. Yeah. Ties his thing around his thing. But this time, instead of wearing the bandana on his head, he puts it over his eyes. Oh, wow. Feel the music. Feel the music. Yeah. Sung by his friends. Okay, so this is controlled.

Standard effect. So it would be two additional, it would be two more coin if you succeed. Whoever is aiding is taking a stress point. Okay. To give. Automatically. You take a point of stress and you give. Franklin, an additional die. Oh, great. Five. Five. Okay, so you succeed. And you just described this. He's dancing his life away. Oh, yeah. He's up on the ceiling. He's up on the ceiling. What the fuck? Yeah, he's, like, clinging off to the side. Whoa. He goes up. There's a big balcony.

And he's doing, you know, the up and then down head thing. Oh, yeah. From the Thriller music video? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Rolling dive off of the balcony and everybody rushes forward to the balcony and they watch him like like parkour land and swing up and he's just dancing his way you know like at the end of some you know like plan of the apes just like swinging and dancing off into the into the distance yeah does it back oh wow they're rounding up and everyone's coins rain down from the sky wow you gather like uh you gather two additional coins sick wow thanks guys and that you so you've made 23 holy fuck wow 23 coins today yes and you have squeezed every last coin you think out of this crowd for big market and so that is a like big market at least for the cool tree kids the work is done you're winding down your work day you could end you could leave your coin for the intermediary of the food court that's sort of the uh next step really uh-huh yeah I think that makes sense where would we leave where would that intermediary be where do we leave this what if it's like the the kid gangs like once they've done collecting they get to choose who they pay fealty to like it's like who's like gang do you want to be under do you want to give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people give the people like directly to Doris basically.

Yeah. Cool. Yeah. You find Doris. She's got a booth just outside like the big bustle of big market where she's just handing out free food. Like she always does. And the, uh, like this is kind of like the time when all of the kids gangs are like picking their, yeah, it's like a reverse Halloween. That's the vibe that it has right now. They're all running away to give their stuff away to, to other people. But Doris is kind of on her own. She's as ever working tirelessly for the people. Oh man.

Stirring so many different pots. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Great. She's a pretty sweet lady. And she sees all of you. Hey Doris. Good to see you. You look great. Smells delicious as always. Oh, thank you so much. Franklin. It's good to see you. Smells delicious. Tastes like shit as well. Shitty food. How has big market treated you children? Pretty good. Pretty stressful. Stressful, but I think we've broke a record. No, what record would that be?

And Fenton picks up his backpack and dumps it on the shitty food counter. And 23 coins and a bunch of barbecue sauce comes out. Oh, so many coins. Yeah. All coins that were gathered by you children. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you will make a member of the food court very happy. That's what we were thinking. No. For me? Yeah. It's for you, Doris. You're the member of the food court that we want to trade this into. You can see her eyes start to well up a little bit.

Doris, you're always nice to us and you're like, that's how we get most of our food is from you. It's the least we can do. You've been working so hard for everyone else. Let somebody else work hard for you for once. Yeah. Yeah. Plus barbecue sauce. I can just see you. Oh man. I can see Abdul reacting to the fact that I was directing that conversation depending based on who I was looking at at the time. Jessica said something sweet. Paul said something sweet. Abdul said, yeah, that's so funny.

And Doris is just, she's just, she's her heart swells. She goes, children, you have no idea the lengths to which this money will go to feed the people of high spear mall. That's cool. It is cool. Yes. Clover. Clover. Clover. And she scoops it. And the barbecue sauce into something just behind the counter. Just a, thank you so much. Children. And you tell your friends, you tell anyone that needs it. Shitty food is just around the corner. We will. Thanks Doris. Farewell. Hi. Oh, one more thing.

What's up? Sorry. I just wanted to leave some bags of the coconut orbs for you. Oh, they're really good. I'm not just the garbage I usually make. Oh, Clover, you have never made garbage in your life. Thanks. And she pops one in her mouth. Oh, these are just orgasmic. Oh my God. What the fuck? Does this to every lady. And the sun sets on another day of big market is the cool tree kids return to the sugar shack. Yeah. Oh man. And we have, I guess, 46 spear bucks. Yeah.

Doris actually rounds it up to a clean 50. Holy shit. Wow. I guess like we talked to Borba. Yeah. Ding, ding, ring our bikes. Yeah. As you ride up and we're like, Borba. Hey, what's up kids? Hey, looking pretty slick on your bikes. Yeah. We're really sweaty. Yeah. I am also sweaty as you can see. And he is absolutely just drenched in sweat. What the fuck happened? I was working on my calisthenics. Calisthenics is just stretching though, right? Yeah, bro. Why are you so sweaty?

High impact stretching. Okay. Show us. Okay. And he just starts like kicking, really high in the air. See, it stretches my hammies, stretches my thighs as well. I heard this guy yelling in the food court earlier. I went by sweat him ups and there was this dude. He was going nuts. Franklin. Yeah. He does that. He does the jump splits and then he picks himself back up in the splits and he does a classic RuPaul's drag race death drop. Sick. Boom. Yeah. So that's why I'm sweaty. I'm pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Well, you know, everything's secure. Don't you worry about that? Awesome. Yeah. Cool. We actually have enough money to, uh, probably fix the hideout. Oh, so like, Oh, okay. No, I get it. That's fine. No, it's not like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to restrict airflow and blood flow. Clover has covered her eyes. Clover covered her eyes.

Oh, did Jessica cover her eyes when I wasn't looking? That's so, uh, whoa, bro, you got to keep them loose. You got to keep everything down below loose. You'll learn that one day. Oh, okay. Uh, look, we can fix the hideout, but what we're going to say is we need you still. What? What? What do you mean? Well, we're vulnerable without you, man. Oh, uh, are you sure? Yeah. We've got like hob noblins and the shitty hot meat boys.

Yeah, hot meat boys and probably the frigging nog hobs or whatever they are after us too. So we're going to need some help. And also, we're going to need someone to teach us when we're all going to get our periods and stuff. Yeah, actually, I have more questions about that. Do puppets get periods? I don't know. You tell me, Lil Borblow. He's like, I don't know, man. I don't even have anything below my waist except for this dude's fucking ripped bicep. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

And, uh, Borbo continues to drop into a roughly 15 minute set. That's just him and Lil Borblow. I sit down on the ground. Yeah, we're all sitting on the futon while he's performing. Wrapped with our feet behind us and our hands on our head. Kick into the air. And the camera begins to pull up as Borbo, Borbon, Borblow and friend, uh, continue their beautiful and hilarious 15 minute set on, uh, the ins and outs of calisthenics and what they do to puppet groins. And it pulls up further and further.

And we see in a broken disused window in the second level of the sugar shack, a sweaty panting face sticking out, kicking its feet, watching the set as we pull through. Is that the hob? It's the sweaty hob. He's loving the thing. It almost seems he's still sweaty. Yeah. It seems like something inside him has transmuted and now he's just sweaty all the time. Oh no. Pepper. Yeah, exactly. He's now, he's now mostly cayenne as we pull up further and further.

Uh, and the camera soars over big market as we hear the closing song for this week's episode of spelt more ball brats, which begins, uh, snuggled in bed, gonna dream all night. Gonna think about the fights we had to fight. Gonna say good night to Seamus. Oh, my dream about all the stuff that I think about.

And the camera zooms back in to the three of us who we were going to do a, like a wrap up song for big market, but it has just, just turned into Clover singing about Seamus for the last five minutes. And then the screen slowly fades to black over Clover going, I'm sorry, fade to black executive producer, Dick wool. And that brings us to the end of today's episode of Spelman Mall Brats. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara playing Fenton Beasley, the slide Abdul Aziz.

So long playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers, take care and playing Clover. Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica tie. Sorry. Thanks to you are amazing. Patrion's the supporters without whom, which this would not be possible. Thank you so much. We love you dearly. Goodbye.

I give you give you give you give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give give to big market.

Dancing to big market. And I hope that you want to buy some stuff. Welcome to big market. Everybody's coming to big market. Hope. I like, hope you got big pockets. Welcome to big market. We like have fun every now and then. Like, this is the idea of an overly sexual 16 year old hot meat boys pitch for a big market song. At your round and line. Everybody's coming to big market. Market. Meet you Linda. Get me some more snakes and sell those snakes for lots of points.

Hey Linda, we'll think I'm really handsome. Break it down. Break it down. This is a bunch of harp snakes that he's shaking in a box. Yeah. Yeah. Slapping them. Once you go ahead and knit yourself something sexy. Yeah. Can you do the next few songs that you sing as a twat with no as twat with the harp snakes? What do you mean? Just keep doing twat. I'm a supernatural delight. Take some snakes and put them next to me. More snakes. Snakes. Take a snake and a snake and make two snakes.

Two snakes will become much more snakes. This is how he knows about the mating rituals. Take a snake and give it to your girl. If she don't like snakes, that's okay. Other stuff is okay. If not snakes, maybe she'll like that. Dancing with you, Linda. Yeah, I want her to be my next wife. I gotta get a divorce first. Oh my god. From my previous two other wives. Sometimes dancing in the moonlight on a honeymoon with you and a girl. Maybe we could have a wedding at Big Mark's. Big Market.

Oh, there are absolutely weddings happening at Big Market. There's a lot of like accidental polygamy that seems to happen in this culture. It's not like true polygamy. It's like I get married and then I leave that person but we don't get a divorce. Or forget. Yeah, I forget that I've been married several times before. Wait, who? Yeah, somebody recently was talking about how they were married. Oh, it was Gref. Yeah. Yeah. Gref's been married to several people. I would agree. I would agree.

I would agree. I would agree. I would agree. I would agree. I would agree. I would agree.

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving pastry Clover's the whisper, she makes all the sweets She has a corndog addiction Benton's the slob, he sleeps in a safe And he writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his stance His heart's a knife Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends And listen close For the tale's about to start Jessica, you pick a song.

I only know like five songs. Are there any 80s Christmas songs? Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. What? Really? What do you mean? I don't know. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Ugh. Is there any 80s songs for Christmas? This one's technically the 80s. There's just one thing I need It's shaming Of course, no surprise I just want you to kiss me All you would ever know Is my love for you My love Pretty good.

Shame is all I want for Christmas Horrible's got his hands over his keytar Charles Eve is You Horrible's going nuts Boo, boo, boo, boo Franklin All I need to do is dance right Then I can get all the respect I could do all the things I want to do I couldn't get from my real parents Cause they died and abandoned me I just think it's a good time to Put your worries aside And celebrate a bowl of meatballs In a bigger bowl of Pepto-Bismol And the best thing about the holidays of Christmas Let's wait for the next verse.

I was like, okay, dude, just hold, slow down, slow down. Yeah, Borba was directing us. Now.

Best thing about Charles Eve Is when you get your Christmas treats Thrown into the front window Of your house And it is fun Walk on broken glass To get your gifts And cut your feet up and But that's okay Because in the gifts There is alcohol swabs and band-aids And that's what it's up And that's what it's up And when we get extra stuff We will eat the meatballs Cause Charles Eve is about meatballs Food Now you. Borba! What is up, you kids?

It's time for Charles Eve You don't have to worry About Charles getting in here I'm gonna see you next time Stop that guy This thing ends tonight I'm gonna kick the fucking shit Out of Charles He goes into like A hard guitar riff He drives his guitar Picks up a guitar An electric guitar Oh man It's alright You better watch your ass Charles I'm gonna be nearby If you fuck with these kids Charles you're gonna have to Deal with me Me Me I mean finally does the dance move Borba Borba And we're like kneeling We're all on one knee And like pointing at Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba Borba That was the opening montage of this episode of Spoutmore Mall Brats.

How you doing, everybody? I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara, and playing Fenton Beasley, the slide, Abdul Aziz. Hello. Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers. Hey. And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica Tai. Hi. When last we left our cool treat kids, Big Market Part 3 came to an end.

They sabotaged the good name of the wizard-themed restaurant, Poofs, by releasing a bag of rats into their kitchen so Clover could attempt to sell treats to the hungry people fleeing the swarm of rats to varying degrees of success until they were approached by rival treat sellers, the Wild Nogs, a mobile offshoot of the Nog Hogs. And Franklin attempted to convince people that treats were the way to go by taking over a fitness class before being absolutely schooled by an overweight uncle.

Out of fitness. But ultimately, the cool treat kids won the day. They sold all the things they needed to sell. They more than broke the mall-wide record for kid gangs making money during Big Market, which they then donated to Doris of Shitty Foods in a heartwarming donation to the emotional, mental, and food-based well-being of the High Spear Mall. And now a number of times have gone through the clock and calendar to get us to where we are now. A later date. Charles Eve is on the way.

We don't know when, because that's how Charles Eve works, I think. Apparently, it's on a random day every year. So it sounds like the tradition of Charles Eve is to commemorate a near-supernatural burglar who comes to everybody's house in the middle of the night and is lured to the window by meatballs before smashing the window and throwing in a bunch of presents as penance for his past as a thief. He is a reformer. A grand thief. Yeah. Who now travels the world returning his I'll-gotten gains.

It's kind of like just con man Santa Claus that we created. Yeah. It seems like a couple hundred years ago, maybe a guy went on a crime spree. Yeah. Seems to sneak up on us. Yeah. But the Cool Tree Kids know when it's coming because people start putting up Charles Eve decorations, which look like, Abdul? Bowls of meatballs. Mm-hmm. You take sausage links, like long strings of sausage links. You're putting them over things, like stringing them all around the place.

It's mostly meat, it sounds like. Those are my contributions. Paul? A lot of pink. Pink streamers. Pink everything to symbolize the Pepto-Bismol. I love that we're just going with Pepto-Bismol instead of some other… Pepto-Bismol is a place. It's a mall, a competing mall. Pesto-Bismol. It's made out of pesto mostly. Oh, God. Pink Pesto-Bismol. And candy glass. Mm-hmm. Little trinkets everywhere. And stockings. Stockings. Aw.

Are still a big thing because you put them on before you walk into the living room because of all the broken glass. Oh, yeah. Totally. It's a good idea. And that's why you fill the stockings with little health-related things because it's like, you're going to cut yourself up, so here's some little things to make it easier. Some nice Band-Aids and stuff. Exactly. Jessica? Lots of tinsel and string lights to represent the broken glass and also the stars because Charles comes at night. Um.

Under the cover of darkness. Yeah, we must light his way. Um. Also, tons of baking. All the grandmas are doing a ton of baking. Mm-hmm. They're forced to do baking this time of year. But it's like specifically a lot of like the honey cookies. Mm-hmm. Um. Oh, the ones from the honeybee. The honeybees. Oh, yeah. The uh. The smoky ones. The secret. The secret. Cookie factory. Yeah. What's it called again? Uh. I can't remember. Oh. It's Eldorand Bread. Oh. Oh. Oh. Right.

It's like a Coke Consolidated. So those are a hit. Uh. We leave those out for dessert for Charles. Um. He loves the flavor. A glass of milk and a glass of pesto bismol. And to stay aerodynamic because there's like a lot of windows to visit. He wears like crop top and like cut off jean shorts. Uh. Stays cool. Stays cool because he sweats a lot. But don't worry. He's super buff. He has like abs underneath the beer belly. So he's just like hydrating with those uh.

Those water bottles you wear on the beach. Yeah. And they're on a belt. Yeah. Tiny ones. Running. Yeah. He's got a big oily black beard too. We established. From all the grease from the meatballs. Oh yeah. Totally. And it's got like pesto bismol in it. And like cookie crumbs. Yeah. That's why they say that on Charles Eve when you hear smashing glass and smell pine nuts you gotta go right back to sleep so you don't scare Charles away. Yeah. So that you don't get attacked during the B&E. Oh.

Charles isn't an aggressive figure. You still want a bunch of like glass in your face. Yeah. Exactly. And you. You don't want to be near that. You don't want to be near that window. And you don't want to startle him because he's been to jail a bunch of times. Yeah. So he's got fucking crazy reflexes. Yeah. He's not going back. Uh. And that is where we join our cool treat kids now. I guess decorating the sugar shack. Totally. What's. So what's everybody doing? Uh.

Fenton's got a nail gun and he's like stapling up tube socks to the walls. What's Franklin doing? Uh. He's uh. Got a bucket of uh. Uh. Paint. Pink paint. Pink paint. And he's just. Slash. Splash. Jackson Pollocking the. Singing his favorite Charles Eve. Which of course the name of is. The um. Um. Silent sauce. Silent sauce. Spicy sauce. Spicy sauce. This is actually how it goes. It's like you know when you do a round. It's like a recipe. Yeah. You're in your ass. Round yawn meatballs.

Tender and medium. Cup of bread. Crumbs preheat to 350. It's a recipe. It's how you. It's the. It's how you remember how to make Charles Eve meatballs. What is that? Totally. Time. Wow. By onions and garlic. Rosemary and chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle.

And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. And chipotle. Oh, no. I like the idea that the Cool Treat kids are all decorating and singing. Wait, what's Clover doing? So we can get this full image. I've decorated like the windows and roof with tinsel. And I have so much extra because I got it from a shop where they're like, this is old. We don't want it. I'll take it all. I have so much left over.

So I'm like taping it to our furniture, too. Just taping it, covering every piece of furniture. Yeah, just like, we're going to look so festive. I imagine you all singing Silent Sauce, but different parts. So it's just a cacophony. Yeah. What's Borbo doing? Oh, yeah. Borbo is, he's practicing his keytar on the futon outside for the big Charles Eve talent show. And that's why we all started singing because we heard him practicing the keytar. Yeah. But we just came in at different points.

Also, we finished three fucking episodes of the big market job. So it's time to do some downtime. Right. I think because that job was so long, I'm going to be generous and give you guys three downtime activities instead of two. Each? Each. Yeah. Okay. Of course, each. So the options that you have for downtime activities are clear one harm box, indulge your vice to clear three stress, tick a long-term project clock or start a long-term project, get a new asset or gather information on whatever.

Can I clear stress? Yep. Okay. How much does Clover have? Six stress. Yeah. So you could use two of your downtime activities. Okay. Clear stress twice, which is a total of six. Oh, sweet. Yeah. Okay. So yeah. Downtime. I, of course, I'm going to go with the meat cart. Let's be serious. Is there a specific one that you go to? Just the one in the Yesterland or whatever? Yep. Yeah. And it's draped with tinsel and sausage links. It's so beautiful. Yeah.

The hot meat boys are, they have little hammers and little panes of glass that they're smashing like jingle bells to try and attract. People. Yeah. Charles Eve. Charles Eve. Corn dogs. Hi. Hi, Clover. Hi. You guys always greet me like I'm a problem. Well, because you are a problem for us frequently. I'm if you guys were nicer to me, I wouldn't be. I'm just defending myself. What do you want? The usual. The usual for corn dogs. I can do that. Yeah. Yes. You don't have to say it so loudly. And he.

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? And you hear them go, what are corn dogs? I'm bringing it to my friends. It's not for me. It's not for me. They're looking behind you as they're really far away, and they're still looking over their shoulder at you. And I turn to the corn dog guy, and I'm like, they're for me. They're all for me.

I know. And he holds out a piece of cardboard that has four corn dog sticks in it, and the corn dogs are sticking straight up. Thank you. It'll be five spear bucks. Okay. So, Seamus has been talking about you. What? What's he been saying? Just some stuff. He's mentioned you a couple times. Like what? Tell me. Not that I care. I just want to make sure that he's not saying anything embarrassing about me. No. It was more like, what was the thing that you fucked up for us most recently?

What, Big Market? Yeah. Yeah. We were having a lot of trouble making money on Big Market, and we heard that you guys fucked up. And he was just like, Whoa. So, he was talking about me getting near his skin? Wow. Yeah. He was kind of mad, but he also seemed impressed. Impressed how? What was he doing? He was like, Whoa. What? Just zero subtext with this kid. Yeah. There's so much emotion is flowing through Clover right now. Understandably. And I'm just like, just shoveling corn dogs in the mouth.

Like, holy shit. Yeah, like Shaggy, dude. Yeah, I'm just like. What's your name? Sorry, I should know by now, I guess. I come here every day. Yeah, I would think that you know that my name is Miki. Okay, sorry, Miki. That's okay. I get you confused with like Mikey and Mickey and stuff like that. There are a lot of us with very similar names, yeah. Totally. Do you think like if he says anything else, you could let me know? Oh, I mean, maybe. Are you serious? I am your best customer.

Well, I mean, yeah, but you're the hot meat boy's best customer, not my personal best customer. If you give me two spirit bucks personally, every time you come here, I'll start putting in a good word for Seamus, maybe. I don't need you putting a good word for me. Okay. That's not what I was asking for. All right, no deal. Okay, I'll bring the spirit bucks. Hell yeah. I'll see you later. Bye. Bye. And Clover clears six stress through a combination of hot dogs and elation. Wow.

I'm like, I'm just like running home. I'm so excited. Your arms are straight. Yeah, my arms are straight. Guys. I come back and I'm like, guys, guess what? What? Are you okay? What happened? What's happening? Guys, Seamus was talking about me. He said he said he heard that we like took down the fudgies and that he was impressed and that I was in. In or under his skin. His skin. I mean. So close. That's how close he wants me. That's not necessarily what it means. Awesome.

I mean, Fenton doesn't have a crush on her anymore. So he's just like wants to be supportive. Yeah, totally. When Franklin is like kind of just like that's not maybe what it means. He's just like, no. What the fuck are you doing? He's like, no. Yeah. Yeah. With the way that you cut open that lock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bet he loved how liberating you look. You think? Yeah. Wow. Right, Franklin? I mean, he's just such a fucking prick. Franklin just hates him so much.

I mean, I mean, if that's what you're into. I don't know. I just can't get him out of my mind. His beautiful muscles on his tiny arms. So tall. He's like. He's like five foot five. Clover's just staring into the space now. I just wave my hand in front of her eyes. She doesn't respond. Franklin and I go like. Okay. Walk backwards out of this seat. We move on with our day. I just bring in your diary and put it in front of your face. Oh, thanks. There you go. And then you still have one left.

A downtime activity. Mm-hmm. I just don't know what we're like wanting to do this episode. Yeah. Okay. So let's. Let's talk about that. Because I was thinking that you would have access. You would have the option of doing three things and then you can just pick what it is. Mm-hmm. So it's all stuff that your patron would be asking you to do. Okay. So one of the things is fix the Charles Eve talent show. Ooh.

Go into the abandoned chocolate factory to steal some really valuable ancient chocolate for this hot chocolate that your patron wants to make or trash a bunch of pet stores. Is another option to find and kill Charles? Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Like Barbos. Who our patron is. This is a great time to go back into that. Yeah, totally.

One of the other options for a downtime activity is gather information. Okay. And that could be like try and gather some information on where this Charles might be. I think I'd like to do that instead. Okay, cool. Get an asset. Yeah. And we'll hold on to the gather info roll until we get the job. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Franklin. Yeah, I want to relieve some stress times two as well. Okay. So stress times two. What am I doing? Yeah, the stress thing. And then what's the other part of it?

You have one more available. You can get an asset. You can gather a clock. You can gather information. You can start a long-term project. Did you have a harm too though? Yeah, what's the harm? How do I have less effect? Yeah, so you would use one of your downtime activities to clear that. Do you just rest? Do you go to a doctor? Oh, no. I repair my own shoes. I took the soles off of them. That's how he fixes them by ruining them. Wow. Makes them more like a ballet slippers. Oh, okay.

I'm in there ripping the soles off my chucks. So cool. He's basically got like dancing shoes that look like fucking chucks. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Cool. You're fighting fit ready to go. Wow. Useless, but ready to go. I mean, I would I will say that clearing your stress and harm is not useless. No, no, no. With less effect, you would literally be doing more poorly on every role totally until you were able to clear that since you're the fighting guy. You always get like so fucked up.

So like, yeah, you focusing on like getting healthy is like the most important thing, which is why Clover and Fenton are always like giving you massages like we're walking wheels. Yeah, scalp massage face mask. We do like, you know, exfoliation. He's always bad anyway. Like get the fuck off of me. I'm fucking stressed. I don't need you rubbing my head. You guys just roll a rolling pin over his back like he's pizza dough. That's totally sleeping. What are you doing? He only lets us.

We can only do it while he's sleeping like how we have to like brush Clover's tea while she's sleeping. He's so against like people seeing him as vulnerable that we have to like administer health care. I like that. We're also we're mashing up vegetables and spooning them into Fenton's mouth while he's sleeping. Yes, blowing them in through a tube down the safe icing bags like every time he snores, it's just like squeezing a glob in there. Yeah.

That was a really good fart noise and you're clearing the stress devices. Just you dance in the hell out of stuff. Yeah, fight dancing like he's he's moved from cry dancing into laugh dancing. He's doing this new laugh dancing thing. Are you doing that mostly around the fudgies? He's just really rubbing it in their face like really like ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I imagine a static shot of like a bunch of different places in the mall with Franklin dancing through it.

It's like Franklin dancing through the food court, Franklin dancing through the theme park, Franklin dancing through the fudgies booth. Just like a lot of finger dancing to flip them off hucking birds all over the place. Perfect. Fenton I'm going to clear harm and I'm going to clear stress and I'm going to work on my project clock. Well, how long how many pie pieces was your it was a okay, cool. Yeah, so you have two left. Okay. How does it Fenton work on this?

I think he because he's trying to find out who their patron is and like this job is going to be all about like our patron wants us to find Charles the mall Charles because he makes money off of the photo shoots. So like he needs to find out where that money goes and who's putting this thing together. Okay. And the last things we learned about him is that he's in the food court and that he's positioning us because there's like tension between orange Julius and the Dairy Queen.

Yeah, there's tensions in the in the higher ups and that a lot of the food court members will work through smaller gangs like as deniable assets basically. How do I find out info? I just had this funny idea, but I mean this isn't but he part of finding out who it is is finding out who it isn't is it you know that that's yeah going to broadband going to everybody in the mall. Like a survey. Oh, I have an idea. That's a good idea. And I have an idea based on that idea.

Franklin Stein and I'm going to need you for that idea. Can you help me? Yeah, buddy. Okay. I need Mr. Gilbert to go to the booth where they're taking bookings for the photos. Yeah. And then he walks up a trench coat fedora weird lump in the middle where it turns into Franklin. Uh-huh. Okay. And you're talking to one of Charles's helpers. Yes. He's just like a guy in a in a white tank top and a ball cap. Yeah, got a ski mask on a ball cap over the ski mat. Oh God. And he's like, hello there.

I would like to book some photos for a all of my children. So yeah. Okay. It's a good time to start booking because we're filling up pretty fast. Yeah. I have a pretty big order. So I was wondering if you have any bulk. All right. Okay. So packages. Yeah, we could do. I don't know how many kids do you have? Fifty fifty Jesus. He's like, he pinches his face. Six sixty. Wait, sorry. You say you have sixty children? Yeah, sixty that I want photos for. I don't think we could.

He starts flipping through a little book that he has. I don't know if we have a time slot big enough for sixty kids. And I lean forward. I put my hand on the table and I'm like, Hey, fifty prints. These are fifty. And I, what did you say? There's fifty princes. No, damn it. These are very important kids. I am willing to pay top coin for this. I'm a man. I'm telling you, like, I don't I just work here. I'm not the guy that makes the rules. Like, I'm trying to find the time slot for fifty princes.

Look, and I can't seem to find one. If your boss finds out that you turned away this much cash, you're going to be fucked. You don't know my boss, kid. I'd like to. I'm going to say, like, he is not you're not going to be able to mesmerize this guy with your absolutely bullshit story. I'd say the smartest thing that you could do is grab the book and run. Wait, you have an idea? No, I just said Franklin grabbed the book. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because Fenton's doing such a bad job.

So, yeah, Fenton's like, he's leaning in. He's like, come here, come here. I have something to tell you. What? I put my arm around his shoulder. I'm like, all right, I got a secret for you. And then I grabbed the book and bolted. And Fenton's still stuck around his shoulder. Fuck! So then Fenton, like, drops and then he's like wrapped up in the trench coat and stuff. And then he, his feet poke out of the bottom and he starts running away. And the guy's like, hey, kid, come back here.

And he tries to get around the table, but you're lost in the crowd. Cool. And you have a little ledger full of all the booking appointments for the Charles photo booth. That's pretty good. So, yeah, you could like study the book. Like, because it's not like the job has already arrived. As of right now, Charles is still around taking pictures every day. Yeah, he was there actually. Yeah, Charles was there and he was like, get off me, kid. And he pushed a kid onto the ground.

And the kid laughed because that's the classic Charles experience. Yeah, when you, like, you kind of jump on him, pretend you're wrestling him to the ground. Yeah. Because he stole your shit. And then they take a picture. Oh, no! And then he pushes you to the ground. Yeah. Kids cry when Charles is nice to them. Yeah. It's like the opposite of Santa. Hey, man, I just wanted to say you're being way too nice to these kids. You got to start like hitting them or calling them names or something.

Parents are getting pissed. I'm not allowed to hit kids anymore. Not after the last time. That's why we hired you. What do we learn from the book? What do you learn from the book? It was very full. Very full. Really popular. But it's supposed to be about the identity of our patron. Contact numbers for these people. And then the back cover. A slot with business cards for the manager. Oh, yeah. Okay, all right. And the manager is… Grind Penderson. Grind Peanerson.

This is what the Cool Trick kids are doing. Looking at the card. Yeah, we're in a stairwell, like, huddled under the stairs. Like, you know when you get to the bottom of the stairwell and we're, like, flipping through trying to find information. And Clover made that funny joke and we all lost it. Grind Peanerson. Even a janitor walking by goes, Pretty good. Yeah. And walks up the stairs. I mean, make grind, that guy is a dick. Yeah, so that gives you one more tick and another lead to follow.

Fenton puts that up in the, like, crime board where he's like, who's at the top? And then there's, like, Orange Julius. Yeah. And question mark. And then Dairy Queen question mark. And then we're just drawn as a penis with a mustache. And we just were like, That's so funny. We love this joke. If we ever meet this guy, we gotta call him Grind Peanerson. And there's just a bunch of chewed up gum strung between tacks on a board. Yeah, that is the thing.

Olive Clover's old gum that she's like, this is too old to use now. Yeah, this is too old to use. We had to chew it to get it to be bendy again. Our jaws hurt so much after that. We had to chew it to get it to be bendy again. Our jaws hurt so much after that. Our jaws hurt so much after that. Hello, everybody. This is your favorite director, Grefg Smushlin. And our sponsors for the next season of the DeSorme Creek Theatre Society have demanded we play their advertisements now.

Hey, Johnny here from Johnny's Exotic Pet Emporium. I'm coming here with a PSA to tell you that we have lost the snakes. If you see snakes, those are our snakes. Yeah, if you see snakes, do not approach the snakes. I cannot tell you how important that is. Call us. Do not get close to the snakes. Do not look at the snakes. Do not have a positive body temperature around the snakes. If a snake lies down next to you in bed, it is not trying to cuddle up with you.

It is measuring you to see if it can consume you whole. Thank you, and good night. Good luck. Good luck, High Spirit Mall. It's gonna be a rough weekend. Good luck. I give you the snacks I give you or give you snacks I give you or give you snacks I give you or played. Fare thee well and see you upon the stage. Okay. Now, I'm going to roll your heat and entanglements and that will determine some complicating factors. Sick.

So you get one die for heat and entanglements because it was a high profile target and another die because it was loud and chaotic. How so? I don't know. I think we played that one pretty smooth. Guys, I'm rolling dice. I'm so excited. John's rolling dice. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. Is that bad? Fuck. Six. And one. And one. Oh, great. Okay. Good thing it wasn't two sixes. Two sixes is gang war. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's going to be a gang bang.

Guys, run. But six is a crew member gets interrogated or the crew suffers reprisals. Oh, interrogation is fun. Yeah. We can Corb Green back on the board. Can we please have Corb Green back on the board? Yeah. So you are sitting in the sugar shack. You're just doing your shit. You're preparing for the day. Humming our Charles Eve. Yeah. In the vents above you, you hear thump, thump, bang, bang, thump. And Fenton's like, the elf is back. Oh, the elf on the shelf. He's on the shelf.

The elf's on the shelf. Fenton shoots a crossbow into the vent. We have crossbows. So you shoot one into the roof. Fenton is not a good shot. Yeah. And he's also panicked right now. So it just hits like a different vent than the one. It just goes wild. Between. Between. And you hear what? And you hear. Thump and then straight down that vent that the elf went up and then shooting out of the vent is Corb Green, halfling detective.

And Fenton throws the illegal crossbow through the front window of the sugar shack. And he dusts himself off. He straightens his little tiny cloak. Puts his sheaf of wheat back in his mouth. Well, hello kids. I thought I recognized those tiny footsteps. I thought I recognized that rank smell. Cool treat, kids. When he says I recognize that rank smell, Fenton sharts. You were gonna say fart and then you decided to up the ante with a shart. Yeah, he is just looking at each of you in turn.

So, I hear you all been making some trouble lately. What? I wouldn't say that. We've been minding our own businesses. Rumor has it that during Big Market, the fudgies booth was knocked over. Oh, yeah. We heard about that. It's so unfortunate. It's crazy. Some dancer. Yeah, I heard the girl was really pretty. Well, I heard that the culprits screamed out the name Cool Treat Kids. They're trying to frame us. We've been framed. We're victims.

I'm just glad you came here so that we could say we need to find these kids who are trying to frame us. That's right. Do you take contracts? Do you take direct work? You were going to say MasterCard. Do you take credit cards? Do you take credit? We don't have any money. I was giving you an opportunity to come clean, kids. I was there. I saw it. I saw this little one with his grubby little hands covered in fudge and full of I'll-gotten gains. That doesn't sound like me at all.

I saw this one say whoops and push over a cauldron of molten fudge. I slipped. I mean, she probably just slipped. Back. Back. And I think I don't have to explain what I saw Franklin Stein doing there. What? You don't know me from a hole in the ground, you toadstool of a man. I'm sorry. I'm a bully. I hope that you understand that I am amongst the tallest halflings in my family. His house. My mother was knee-high to a toadstool. And she was one of the greatest women I've ever known.

Stop laughing. Probably is going to be the only woman you've ever known, huh? And he throws his corn sheaf on the ground and he stamps it out with his foot. That is beside the point. The point is, is that you kids are causing too much trouble. You are getting in tussles above your pay grade. I want to know why, who you're working for, and I want to caution you to rein it in. I might push you around once or twice because it is my job as a detective to find out crime and the criminals.

This is Corbin Green's voice now. I've changed it. But I also know that you are a bunch of children and I do not want, to see children get hurt in my mall on my watch. I kind of love Corbin Green now. Is he our dad now? Yeah, that's what we say. Are you our dad now? He be our dad? Or at least our uncle. Well, now, that is a big, that's a big question. And then we yell outside, Borbo, we have a new dad! Borbo rolls in like, what's going on? Whoa, look at this little guy. Meet our dad!

Get the hell away from me. Borbo's trying to pick him up like, come here! He doesn't know about halflings very well. Borbo's never seen a halfling before. Oh, no. Come here, little guy. Come here. No, no, no. I'm not a little guy. I am a deputized law enforcement officer of the mall. And he turns to you. All I'm trying to say is I want you kids to be careful. You do not know the forces with which you meddle. Well, we're trying to know the forces of which we meddle. What do you mean?

What do you mean? What forces are you attempting to discover with which you meddle? Recruit. We could try and get him to… He's a detective. What if we put him on our clock and find our patron? Yeah. Maybe we should. And we're… We're huddling. We're huddled. Should we show him the information that we've gathered on the patron? Yeah, I think so. Oh, and at least end the business? I think so. If he's… I mean, if he's our dad, he wants to help us. Yeah.

I've wanted to have a dad for a year now. I didn't think I'd ever see my dad again, so I forgot what he looked like. Yes. This could be my real dad. And he's looking out for us. Other than Doris, who's our mom, hopefully. We could get them to kiss. Get them married. Oh, my God. Oh, wait. All we have to do is trap them in the same building and then you hear, now what is this? And you turn around and Corb is standing in front of Fenton's crime board. And I… Fenton walks up and he's…

He's looking around for something that looks like a sheaf of wheat. And he can just find tinsel. So he grabs some tinsel and he puts it in his mouth and he starts chewing on it the same. And he walks up and he's like, clink, clink, clink, clink with his mouth. He's making it with his mouth. He's like, this is my crime board, father. I do not call me that. Is this… Are you trying to determine the identity of the food court? Just the patron that gives us our food. Our jobs.

Yeah, the guy or person or woman who hires us to do all the things that you don't like. We've never met them. We get their… Our message is secret and we're hoping that you can maybe help us figure it out. And we already have a clue and I grab the Charles book. You're gonna be so proud of us. What? What is it? It's a book we stole. You stole… You stole one of the Charles? Yeah, from the photo shoot. We're gonna give it back. Oh, children.

I really wish that you would not tell me the things that you steal. Okay, but how will you know what's going on if we don't show you the things that we steal which is everything? He swipes it out of Clover's hands. Puts it in his coat but it's like huge because it's basically as long as his torso. Anyway, our patron who hires us also hires the Charles. So we took the book and we found out the manager whose name is Grind… Peterson. Peterson? Grind Penderson. Yes. Yeah. I know Grind.

I know Grind. Grind Penderson. What do you know about him? I know that he manages some of the seasonal photography booths. But he also… He wore… He… I think he reports directly to our patron. Hmm. He absentmindedly strokes his chin while he pulls out a little handful of wheat sheaves and bangs it on his hand so one comes loose and he grabs that one and puts it in his mouth. Quite a mystery we have on our hands, children. We felt like we've been pawns on a board for a long time.

For far too long. Fenton's looking out the window. He's like, we… That's why we started looking into this. We feel like we've been maneuvered into these situations and we… What we know is that there's a lot of tension at the upper levels of the food court. Orange Julius and Dairy Queen are butting up against one another and our patron is making us do stuff to make that happen. And we… Holy shit! Oh my god! Yeah, Cor whips his head around and looks at Clover for a second. Franklin!

Nice drag. He keeps all the money. Like, we don't get anything. Look at our house. We live in squalor. And a pole falls down. A pole falls down. They point at the mess of pink paint that Franklin fucking just tossed all over the place. All the swiftly cooling meats that have been hung up. The only thing of value in here is us. And our hearts. And our minds. And our feet. Cor looks at the crime board and looks at the three of you and is like, I have known. I have long suspected.

I've long known that I have suspected. He's done it this many times. So well spoken. That the machinations of the food court reach from the highest of the highest to the lowest of the lows. And now I have an idea. Just how low. Below low. Like lower than low. Like you start at zero and if one is low, you're like minus one. Lower than low. You're not that short. He takes that in stride. He does not respond. I will attempt to help you with this investigation.

But in return, I need you to not tell me about any crimes that you are doing. And also try not to tell me about any crimes that you are doing. And also try not to do any crimes. Because I cannot keep you safe any longer. We agreed to the first one. Yeah. And we do a four-way handshake where our hands like just are flat together. Are smashing together. Make one hand. And our hands make one hand and then we shake his hand. Yeah. Okay. Please, please, please, kids. Do not make any more of a fuss.

I can… There is a lot of eyes being cast in your direction. Be careful. Thank you. We will. See you later. Thanks for looking out for us. Bye, Dad. He just turns around and starts walking away. You hear a clink, clink, clink of his spurs as he leaves. So I'll tell you that what that means is that whatever your job is next, you're going to get an additional die for heat. Because a lot of people are paying attention to you. Okay.

But also I'm thinking that maybe you get an additional tick on that clock because Corb's going to help you. Cool. Powerful. Yeah. He's going to start tapping his sources. And don't we get rep because we really fucking succeeded at the last job? That is Blades in the Dark, not World of Blades. Oh, rep. I mean, I could say that you are now considered tier one instead of tier zero. That'd be cool. You've got a lot more experience.

Ooh, actually, you know like your gear, how you can like check things off? Let's put your candy on there. Oh. So now you all have access to candy that you can use to boost up your effect if you're trying to like bribe somebody or convince them to help you. Because your candy's getting around too. People like the Cool Treat Kids treats. Yeah. Extra thing on the list. Cool. Candy. Candy. Okay. So your job is the mall Charles is missing.

Your patron has requested that you track them down and locate them and save Charles Eve for the mall's children. He's probably just drunko back again. I think so. So this is our opportunity to talk to you about that. So you get to use Clover's gather information. Oh, fuck yeah. Can I roll for it or anything? You do. It's a straight roll. So you can't fail it. It just determines the quality of the information. So you get to use, you use one of your skills. I would say that you could use a tune.

Yeah. To like ask the elves and stuff like that to help you out. Yeah. So you would roll one die. Six. Okay. Holy shit. Six on a gather information is like you get really high quality information. Nice. Nice. I would like you guys to help me with this. If you're feeling it. Um, I thought maybe a rich dad stole the Charles because his daughter, his spoiled little shitty daughter wanted her own Charles.

Oh, maybe there's a bunch of dad, like somebody found a side business where they can get like a black market, um, Charles market. So there's like a bunch of dads. I don't know. Rather than just one guy. I mean, my idea was also stupid. Your idea is like the plot of like Willy Wonka. Yeah. Christmas movies when we were a kid, like where that muscle guy had to get that action figure. Yeah. It's like the plot of jiggle all the way where it's like a dad has to kill a man to open a mall.

A cabal of dads has kidnapped him to cut the line because there were so many bookings. So a cabal of dads kidnapped the Charles so they could get their kids the photos. Charles is basically like a tickle me Elmo. Like there's so much high demands of this path, this group of powerful, people are using their influence and money. Oh yeah. I like that. It's a cabal of dads. The barbecue Kings. Oh, the dad gang, the dad gang of them all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The barbecue Kings and the Mario Batali's. Yeah. Okay. The leader of the barbecue Kings is named Guy Fierro. So that we all, I, am I wrong? I'm thinking that we all feel like there's just one little thing missing. We like this cabal of dads. We like it because they're Guy Fierro is in charge. Guy and Guy Fierro. And he stole the mall Santa Claus because there were too many bookings and they were shitty dads that like their wives were all like, Hey, can you book it in advance?

And they're like, they all forgot. They all forgot. They all forgot. It's like Charles Eve Eve. And, um, yeah, they all forgot. It's Charles Eve Eve. Like we don't want our wives to fucking divorce us. Like she's already so close. So the true cabal is the wives. Yeah. Oh, there's another cabal. Yeah. Great. Great. Cabal. And like the Charles be really funny. If the Charles kind of like went willingly because they're like, look, she's something comfortable. Well, they're barbecue kings too.

So he's like, Oh, that's how they lured him. It's a conspiracy. Yeah. What are the moms? What's the gang of moms? I'm all moms. Yeah. The first thing I thought was like the vineyard. Like they have a very fancy name for the wine women. Yeah. They're a, they're a wine club. They're a wine club. They're a wine club. It also orchestrates crimes. What a fucking cool setting that we have created. I love it. Red wine pairs well with me. Yeah. It's the, Oh, I kind of love it.

It's the vineyard and they orchestrate crimes and the barbecue kings are basically their enforcers. Like it's like they're the direct action. And it's an inside this gang like, like eat, drink and stuff. Yeah. Oh, there's so much bickering between the two. Oh God, they're such idiots. Makes sense why we couldn't book 50 slots too. Yeah. Yeah. And I, you know what? Now that you guys have set all this up, I really like this. The vineyard is definitely way higher tier than you.

I'd say two or three tiers above you. So fucking watch out. Ooh. Oh yeah. Yeah. The barbecue Kings, probably a bunch of dopes, but yeah, there's tier two. It said that Guy Fierro is really good at taking a beating. I wish I was good at taking a beating. And then Fenton, he grabs a handful of tinsel and he taps it like he saw Corb tap that sheaf of wheat. And then he grabs a handful of tinsel and he taps it And then he grabs a handful of tinsel and he taps it And then he pulls another bit out.

Don't put that in your mouth. And then he swallows it. God damn it. All right. That's the end of the downtime. We know the job. We know the target. And we know the factions. Let's do it. And so ends the tale of the cool treat kids. Always up to no good.

So tiny and greedy And angsty they be As they navigate crime and puberty And though our journey may belie a conclusion We'll never be free We'll never be free We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to the chocolate store As the cool treat kids plan their next score And for you I'll gladly spout more I'll be back in the next episode of the!

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisper, she makes all the sweets She has a corndog addiction Lenten's the slob, she sleeps in a safe And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Uh, okay, hell, fuck, hell yeah, guys, everybody Welcome to Spoutmore Mall Brats I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara Joining me, as always, playing Fist of the Fenton Beasley the Slide Abdul Aziz Hello Playing Franklin Stein the Cutter Paul Oppers Hello Playing Clover Ivy Fern the Whisper Jessica Tai Hello Uh, when last we left our heroes We did some downtime activities So we haven't really left our heroes It's more like bookkeeping Is what we did But we, we're all played all that bookkeeping So it kind of counts as an episode Is what I'm gonna say So that we could release it as an episode I mean, it's still really fun Yeah And it was, like, a long time It was, like, an hour and a half Yeah Yeah Um, and I am struggling a little bit to remember But there was some vice indulging Yep Clover got a bunch of corndogs Found out that Seamus has been talking about her Yeah, uh, we had the little book Um, that says Grind Penderson is the manager of the Charles booth Right, yeah And we got Gorb Yeah, we turned Gorb He's no longer my nemesis I think I have to take him out of my nemesis And look for a new nemesis Oh, yeah Yeah He's our dad Yeah, he's our dad Oh, wait, he's back in as my nemesis Classic nemesis My dad Uh, yeah, right Corb Green, halfling detective And member of mall security Arrived to question you regarding your recent Brash activities at the fudgies booth And, uh, has agreed How so?

The abject chaos that you all caused And immediately took ownership of Uh, and he has agreed that he's gonna help you Try and figure out who your patron is And, uh, he's gonna help you figure out who your patron is So he can get to the bottom of what's going on with the food court Mm-hmm Because things are starting to heat up in the Highest Beer Mall Plus, it's really good fodder for his next novel Yeah, exactly Oh, yeah Uh, and Franklin did some dancing Yeah, I removed the soles of my shoes Right You should see me glide, guys We have been Smooth, and the floors are so clean now Yeah He's been sashaying so much, it's nice Sliding around You received a request from your patron Mm-hmm To rescue your patron To rescue the Highest Beer Mall's Mall Charles On the, uh, run-up to Charles Eve And I think we got We gathered some information Clover did Mm-hmm That it was He was kidnapped by a cabal of dads Oh, yeah Called the Barbecue Kings Yeah Who left, who didn't schedule their Right Yeah, what did you say?

They waited Oh, yeah, it was like Their wives had asked them to book spots for their kids for the photos And they book up really fast And these dads all forgot until, like, Charles Eve Eve So they're like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna go to the barbeque king's So they're like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna go to the barbeque king's So they're like, oh, fuck So they went and stole Charles To do a private photo shoot Private photo shoot for their kids I can't wait to see what their homemade version of the Charles Eve set You know, like, cause they're gonna have it Like, oh, he's right here Yeah All just shitty dad stuff put together Yeah Uh, great And that is where we find our heroes We also did establish one other thing Maybe off my Oh, the vineyard?

Yeah, the barbecue dads are the enforcer Barbecue kings Sorry, the barbecue kings are the enforcers The enforcer gang for the vineyards Which is the gang that is full of just their wives Yeah, but it's a fairly high tier criminal organization It's basically a wine club of the upper middle class merchant women in the mall Who pull the strings on a lot of shit And their meetings are called book club Yeah, yeah, totally And that is where we find our heroes now In the planning phase, I suppose Yeah We gotta figure out where they're keeping Charles And then we're gonna go to the barbeque king's And then we gotta figure out a plan for getting in And getting out Yeah Anybody?

Gather information rolls to remind people Is a straight up fortune roll with one of your skills That you can convince me can be used to gather info Okay And then depending on the result That determines the quality of your information Yeah, we gotta find out where they're keeping him Maybe in Maybe we have to go to their kind of headquarters Yeah Do we know where their headquarters are? Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah! Have a barbecue stand? Oh. A spit roast in the mall?

If they operate out of anywhere, it's probably basically the fantasy equivalent of the West Edmonton Malls. What is it called? Bourbon Row or whatever it is. What is that? It's basically like a fake Louisiana, New Orleans street. And it's all restaurants and bars. Oh my God. So much like smoked meats. Yeah. Okay. Exactly. So there's like steakhouses, burger places, barbecue shacks. And that is where a lot of the Barbecue Kings own businesses. Oh, and theirs was like really popular in the 70s.

They haven't got a lot of patrons lately. Yeah. It's definitely an older crowd in the, in a, what do we call this? The man cave. Yes. Great. It's so cool now in my mind because it's a literal cave. Oh, it's designed to be a cave. They have caveman themed meats. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A man cave. It sounds like the Barbecue Kings might've started as like, um, I guess I'm sure they had, they still have a band. They have a band. Yeah.

But, uh, I think if they all have restaurants in the same general zone, they like banded together to be like, we're going to help each other out. Probably knocked out a lot of, uh, competing businesses. Yeah. Maybe they would each kind of like semi successful. And then they were like, we can take over this whole bourbon robe. We just get together. Yeah, exactly.

If there's anybody that's going to be running all the casual family dining experiences in the mall, it's, the barbecue king semi-casual we got bars sections as well smoking non-smoking if you don't have waitresses in your place that are wearing uncomfortably revealing outfits get the fuck out of the main I imagine the vineyard hates that oh yeah I'm just imagining the owner of every original joe's franchise in the country oh yeah yeah cargo shorts flip flops a tommy bahamut shirt yeah on top way too much gel in their hair oh yeah so much an apron that says kiss the cook they've got like thick forearms like they're really strong but also fat yeah tiny upper arms huge beer belly skinny legs but like huge calves yeah standing around so big I've always standing around jessica's stepdad has like unbelievably muscular legs and then his arms are huge like he's a classic barbecue dad shape I was imagining your stepdad yeah I also imagine my grandpa yeah totally absolutely the shape and of course reg and reg yeah if you're out there reg you're we're basing a bunch of villains after you and I'm sorry he was like the nicest guy to me but he would never let me touch his barbecue like even if I want to just get the food that was ready for myself no he was like no no I open it and I will serve you what the fuck is going on with this guy okay barbecue the man cave operating area of the barbecue kings great love it so we know that that's where their shit is and we now we got to figure out where charles is yeah where they're keeping charles okay well we have to go to this restaurant okay so you guys go to the man cave with zero dollars zero dollars zero plan zero appetite can we get a project clock before we start this just so we get a sense of how far we are from the end oh yeah that's great so this is a project clock for finding charles I guess so yeah and then we'd have another one for getting them out yeah no like project clocks come up a lot more than I've been using them like this will be find out where charles is right that's what the success of this clock is yeah and is it now just four because this is like action rolls you can get a varying amount of ticks from one to three so I'm gonna say it's a six step clock okay I'm gonna put a paper in the middle like last time sure yeah six yeah six step clock and there'll be some oops you're so close yeah well now hold on slow down think about it one two three four five what the fuck wait what just go right through the other side right through the other side we make an extra one no no one could you you fucking idiot that's gonna work I guess that's it here we go there's five step it's a five step clock with a chunk hanging off of it looks like alfred hitchcock it does look like alfred hitchcock I guess they don't know how to draw a six segment pie what if you did this though is that sick yeah oh we're all stuck now is that six no it's seven because there's one in the middle okay can I try this is just for us because this is visual bags um okay so yeah that's a good six that's a good clock for you guys to have view of there'll be some that I'll just be tracking okay because clocks are also um like if you were like we're gonna try and uh incapacitate this guard and you fail then I could be actually incapacitating this guard is going to be like a four-step clock because he's kind of tough oh yeah yeah that's how I'm supposed to be using clocks okay yeah cool yeah okay let's let's talk about what happens you guys go to the man cave do you take your bikes do you walk bikes for sure oh yeah yeah we have to impress these dads yeah are we gonna impress them like your shit up that's what I imagine clover is dressed like you right now oh yeah I'm wearing my pajamas super baggy shirt yeah baggy shorts yeah I got linen uh linen pajamas from greg my old man friend um and I ripped the like arms and legs a bit so that they wouldn't be too long on me but they're really baggy nice and what does everybody else look like sailor suit for fenton sailor suit yeah cane sword and fenton added a clip on his bike that is he can clip the cane sword too his bike still has training wheels on the back and the front yeah can I add that I'm also wearing jelly sandals yeah totally uh okay now that abdul has mentioned the uh the cane sword that reminds me you're on the job now officially so mark off whatever level of equipment you're going to be using for this job what what allows us like yeah light normal heavy loads yeah so you're choosing one of those light is like no one will know that you have this stuff on you okay medium is you've got like a backpack and people are like okay so they're carrying stuff you know it basically makes you more or less noticeable heavy is like why the fuck is that person carrying so much shit okay I'm gonna have normal so I'll have my my basket on my bike with stuff okay I see light is three yeah I just I'm gonna take light and with the cane sword which I can't believe it's just like an adult sized cane sword that you walk around with all the time you don't have parents yeah it's just a cane most of the time oh no I don't mean that it's a sword I just mean that it's weird for a kid dressed like a sailor to be carrying around a cane with presumably some kind of cobra head on it it's weird that we're living in a in an abandoned chocolate factory all of this is weird my friend that's a great point what's franklin wearing franklin's going light yeah he's got a green beret on and is that it in his uh soulless chucks and um um um cut off um what are they called spandex jeans you know those jeans that are actually spandex jeggings you're wearing cutoffs they're jorgans jorgans short shagging shagging shagging he's got shaggings on and a cutoff short and a fanny pack because he's just got a light yeah a light one but it's turned around uh-huh um and a red bow tie and his tuxedo t-shirt I'm a green beret I imagine the the jegging shorts are really riding up because usually they have like they're rolling yeah yeah it's because because the knees usually keep them in place yeah yeah he keeps tugging them down like oh boy I'm gonna drop a trow when when clover said that she was just wearing like a baggy shirt in shorts I was like okay cool pretty normal and I was like man fen just walks around dressed like a sailor all the time that's so weird and then you described franklin's outfit and I was like the other two are fine no one's gonna be looking at them shaggings I really like the word shaggings shorts jeggings short jeggings yeah yeah shaggings uh great okay you arrive at the man cave it's um a good distance from where you live we've never named like the area of the mall that you're from candy cane lane candy cane lane's pretty good you live in candy cane lane which is mostly abandoned because everybody's so scared of the abandoned chocolate factory and the man cave is quite a distance it takes you like 20 minutes to bike there holy shit mostly because there are people in the mall and you're trying to bike around people I don't like people it's a lot of stopping you know putting your feet down and then picking your bike up and spinning it and it's also the charles eve uh crowd so it's really busy yeah there are lots of people from outside the mall not as many as big market but it's pretty busy they have so many bags yeah uh and you get to the man cave and there's like um jazz music playing like jaunty jazz music playing on the uh tubes that are connected to the the bottles in this area yeah they're connected to like speakers yeah yeah it's real um real bourbon street style like new orleans jazz yeah and it's is the man cave are we saying it's like a pretty big wide open like food court looking zone oh I was thinking you can have that inside with a very narrow entrance so it's oh yeah so you like go in like oh yeah opens up totally and it's kind of like a little bit of a like a little bit of a like a little bit of a like a little bit of a like a like a cavern looking place there's fake stalactites and stalagmites that have like the different signs on them and stuff uh-huh yeah oh they have like the lights are on the end of the yeah stalag lights yeah stalag lights pretty cute yeah perfect and you see the various incredibly gaudy restaurants of the barbecue kings laid out before you and there's like girls in front of each of them with trays that are like hey try our thing come inside yeah like yeah lighters yeah wearing togas like animal print oh yeah yeah things because I kind of want that to be like one restaurant's thing like it's definitely still cave themed but one of them maybe the biggest one is like the cave yeah the cave and it's caveman themed and then there are other restaurants oh yeah that are other themed semi-casual family style oh the man cave isn't just one restaurant that's what it's kind of like a food court of restaurants you know when you're like at the airport and there's like the section of like you can eat here yeah but it's probably near another food court of other restaurants yeah totally and this is all of the slightly out of fashion now uh sit down family style semi-casual can we all describe one I'm that's what I was about to ask I'm so glad jessica's got an idea I think so jessica go first oh earls just exactly the same as our universe yeah but uh they they serve things like shrimp scampi and they're like baja fish tacos and the dad is named earl yeah of course of course run by earl what are the girls outside giving out samples look like they are wearing just like black mini dresses um and they have a lot of makeup on great oh my god does fenton have a crush yeah fenton and franklin are just staring we're like clover why don't you do that to your face I don't know I could ask them how please do excuse me ladies uh huh they're not really sure how to they're not really trained to deal with kids they're only trained to squeeze tips out of sad old men so they're like hi there hi um you guys look really pretty uh and the waitress that you're talking to is just like oh thank you aren't you the cutest little thing thanks how do you make your face like that like my my friend fenton said why don't I look like that and I was like good question why don't I how do I how do I do things like with the lines on my eyes and the make my mouth colorful gotcha uh and the waitress that you're talking to is just like oh thank you aren't you the cutest little thing is just like uh uh why why why do you why would you want to look at your beautiful lovely lavender hair oh thank you actually I don't know why I would want colorful lips other than maybe it's just fun and okay fenton walks up at that point and he's like uh hey there ladies I just wanted to say that you're both looking quite lovely today and as I noticed that a lot of the other men in this area are giving lovely ladies money here's my money and you give them what a wad of like four spear books uh we can't we can't accept tips like this little boy but the way you look makes me want to give you more no keep this for yourself uh little girl you know makeup is a fun thing people can choose to wear makeup if they want to uh and there are plenty of places in the mall that would be more than happy to help you look however you want to look you also you don't have to wear makeup to be pretty but penn's trying to he's really trying to give him money I have to slap your hand like stop there he said no you can't force people to give money and I think it's just like I don't know what's going on in my head I can't stop giving them money just put it in your pocket and he goes to put in his pocket and just like oh handfuls like oh wow I take the money I'll be holding on I'll hold on to it so I kind of want to ask these ladies have you two seen a charles lately like what like the mall charles so that would be consort okay so 2d6 yeah and take the lowest because you don't have consort whoa okay nice I'm asking because about the makeup because I wanted to look cool for my photos with charles but he's not around and so I just want to I just want to see if he's been here or if you've seen him what's this casual arm alternating over the back of your chair move you're doing I'm doing it like if like was like hanging out with her bike you know she's standing with her bike and she just keeps like loafing back to look cool and one of the one of the servers goes like oh charles yeah I think I saw it and the other one goes like no yeah I don't know I don't know what you could uh what you could be talking about but I'm sure charles will turn up it'll that's the miracle of charles eve right but I'm supposed to get my photo taken with him and I'm very sad that he's not there right now where'd you see him I I I don't know what you're talking about I didn't see we didn't see charles anywhere but the way that she stopped the other girl from saying yeah we saw him makes you think okay so he's at least been here recently uh so that gives you two ticks on the fine charles clock and also I will start my own clock all right well thanks anyway here's a tip I throw the money at them but like nicely hey guys yeah what's up what'd you find out definitely saw charles but they're trying to keep it secret maybe he's in here in the man cave sniff him out we all start sniffing smells pretty good it's decimal it smells like barbecue sauce oh my god I'm so hungry great what's up everybody it's your boy borbo borbon borbilo and I'm trying to go on tour with my band b4 the burly beach bop bros and we've got some sponsors that we need to play to raise tour funds check them out are you a budding detective I want to be do-gooder or just have an eye for detail are you looking for a task that will be both rewarding and help those in need then please help me I'm stuck in the service elevator behind the caprice theater laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter pry the door open with my keys, but I dropped them down a hole and just made it worse.

Please hurry. In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war. And podcasts! I'm Rob, Kevin, Dennis, and Richard, and we're the Preferred Enemies, a show about the Warhammer 40,000 Wargame. Whether you're a seasoned tabletop veteran, or someone who's never moved a mini around a table, we invite you to join us as we talk about the lore, the game, the hobby, and our experiences with Warhammer 40k. That's Preferred Enemies on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Well, I think all of that stuff sounds pretty sick, and I would buy it all now. Is that it? Have I fulfilled my contractual obligation? Yeah, you can leave. Okay, great. Bye. Okay, bye. Yeah, let's talk about the next restaurant, Paul. It's called Mamma Mia's. Tell me a little bit about Mamma Mia's. What's it look like? What's its general theme? It's very lovely, and mostly mom-themed. Mom-themed. Very nice. Things are kept very tidy. It smells like down-home cooking.

They have a pizza pie that's like a crusted pie with pizza toppings inside of it, and they do a meatloaf, which is bread that you can get sandwiches in. Everyone's wearing like an old-timey 50s-style diner mom's. Nice. It's like a greasy spoon. Okay, great. Do we want to investigate Mamma Mia's? I'm going to order a drink, just a pine cola. Oh, hi. Hey, sorry. Excuse me. Can I get some service over here? Flo, is it? It is Flo. How'd you know? Because you're all named Flo.

It's part of your gimmick, I guess. It is. All our name tags say Flo on them. Huh. I demand satisfaction, and I also… Alright, slow your roll there, little boy. Franklin's being a bit of a dink because he's trying to be a bit of a Chad. Yeah, so you're challenging her to a duel. Basically. I'm here for… Pine cola, please. One large. Yeah, of course. Would you like it to go, or would you like to sit down? I would love to sit down, please. Of course. For one or for three? Uh, for one.

And I guess we walk away then. Oh, for three. For three of us. Okay, no problem. I'll put you in our finest booth. It's right by the window with a beautiful view of the man cave's most majestic stalactites. Ooh. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, of course. Come on in. And she sits… She takes you in and sits you in a very comfortable booth. Gives you those plastic laminated menus that are two pages front and back. Yeah. Oh my god. There's so many words on this. Here you go.

Can I start you off with something to drink? We need a minute, thank you. Why are you being so rude? Okay. Maybe when I come back, you can work on that tone of yours, young man. Oh, I like the theme of this place. It's mom's, right? Yeah, it's mom's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she goes away clucking her tongue, going that kid. Is that… He takes after his father. Is that what we're supposed to do here? Treat them like shit? No, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be mad to the moms. It's really hard.

I really want to give her a hug, but I also have a plan, guys. When she brings me the drink, I'm gonna spill it on my lap and then demand to speak to the manager. Whoa! Oh, yeah, that's a good plan. Yeah. I saw my, uh, PO officer do it once. Cool move. Yeah. We gotta see that guy again. I really like him. He's pretty good. Uh, Flo returns. Did you have some time to look at the menus? Here, I'll take that. Boosh! Oh, what did you do? I'm so sorry. He says with his eyes.

This was your plan to do it right in front of her? Because if he does it himself, it's not her fault. Then he can't demand satisfaction. Satisfaction? You mean to see the manager? Yeah, for satisfaction. Okay. Uh, okay, yeah. So this is, um… Does this make sense? I mean, barely, Franklin says. It is a very Franklin plan. It totally is. Thank you. Uh, so this is what we would call a desperate role. She kinda knows that it was me, but also she has to, uh, Yeah. What do you… Now, hold on.

We're not playing Legion World. What are you doing? Oh, I'm using my command to, um, command her to go get the manager. Yeah. Or maybe take us to his office. Yeah. So that we can look around and see if there's any evidence of a Charles kidnapping. Don't worry. I think we can elevate this situation to an office visit. I came in at 11. I'm so sorry, everybody. Okay, great. Um, command will work. Great. And, uh, highest and lowest of these two. Five and five. Fucking shit. You're so cool.

Net rolling dice. It's not the first time I got free cola, gang. Okay, so you get two more checks on the fine Charles clock. Oh, sick. We are half, over halfway done with this. Uh, okay, great. Um, This is crazy. So, what, what's your move here? Take us to your manager's office? Right now, he says. My jords, my shaggings, they're ruined. He's, he worked for so long to cut these off. Uh, she says, okay, now hold now. Just hold on. Hold on. No need to make a scene.

I'm no, I know it's not your fault. You work long hours. You know, you deserve not to be treated like this. I'm sorry. It's not you. I just, I demand satisfaction. What kind of satisfaction do you mean? Satisfaction is not a guarantee at this restaurant. Yeah, it is. I pull up the menu and on the back in little writing, it says your satisfaction guaranteed. Oh, yeah. Okay. So, satisfaction is guaranteed in this restaurant. Fuck me. Goddamn son of a bitch. Take you to status. You're sad.

You're 100% satisfaction would be to go to the manager's office to speak with the manager. Please. I just, I don't want to talk to him about the cups that he has here. I mean, they shouldn't be falling over that easy, and I know you don't order the cups. It's not your fault. Of course, I don't order the cups. No. All right. Come with me. Come with me. Thank you. And she takes you around the corner of the L shape that Mama Mia's is with booths lining, you know, the outside walls.

And takes you into the back past the bathrooms. And there's the, uh, you know, the flutter open and close doors that restaurants have. And immediately to the right is the manager's office. And the manager is Paul. Um, a mom. Oh, a mom member of the Barbecue Kings. Who is the female Barbecue King? Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess her name's Mia. Mia. Oh, yeah. Mia. Mama Mia. Yeah. And her wife is in the vineyards. Yeah. I will say that there, because that was, um, oh, no, it was just risky.

Uh, but a secret clock has ticked twice. What is this secret clock? Tell me what the secret clock is. What is the secret? It is a secret. Okay. So, the manager, Mia, is in her office. Uh, and Mia looks exactly like my, in my mind, Mia looks exactly like my real life Aunt Brenda. She's real stocky. Yep. A low center of gravity. She's wearing shorts.

Uh, she's got a kind of baggy t-shirt that looks like it's for a sports team, a local sports team that she's on, and she's sitting at a desk writing on some papers, and Flo goes, uh, Mia? And she's like, yeah, what's going on? Uh, there's some kids here that have demanded satisfaction. Well, that is one of our guarantees here at Mama Mia's. So, uh, come on in, kids. Hi. Hi. So, sorry, sorry to bug you. I love, love your restaurant. Long time meter, first time talker to manager.

How, how's your day? Oh, my day's going great. You know, every day, at Mama Mia's is pretty good. Can I study the room for information? Oh. Um. Cause I'm gonna keep looking. Yeah. Yeah. I can't see why not. You guys are distracting her. Okay, so, so what is your goal here? What are you looking for exactly? I'm looking for evidence of Charles and maybe where he is. So, you're just looking around, not moving, just like swinging your eyes about? Weirdly still, he stays. Yeah.

Uh, so that's gonna be. Stiffens up a weirdo amount. Okay, so that's gonna be risky limited, I'm gonna say, because if you're not moving around, it's gonna be harder to track stuff down. And this is what you're rolling 2d6, taking the lowest? Yeah, I don't have anything I can use. Can it be a grip action? Are you just looking around, or is everybody looking around together? All looking around. We're all looking around, and Franklin is, like, really talking at Mia to distract the fuck out of her.

And I'm also looking around, but. Yeah. All our eyes are doing that. Yeah. Independently, like, chameleons. Hey, kid, pay attention. Sorry, we all have ADD. We're so bad at focusing. My eye is up here, and so is my other one. Gabe, both of yours on both of mine. She's having a stroke. He's having a seizure. He's so still. Still, so still. Perfect.

So the way a group action works is, uh, everybody rolls the same action, so you'd all be rolling study, and whoever is leading it will take a point of stress for everybody that fails the roll. I'll do it. Because I'm right down stress. I really leave a lot of my stress. And I'm, this is my restaurant go. Alright. Yeah, totally. Uh, so it is gonna be limited, so even if you succeed, um, it'll be one tick on the clock. Yeah.

Unless you can convince me that you have, like, an item or something that would help you. Didn't you have subterfuge tools? Yeah. What could one of those, is there a subterfuge tool that you could have that would help you? That would let me see something? Like a little pocket cam? Yeah, camera. A video camcorder. A hidden audio recording thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe he just pulls binoculars out of his backpack, like a little spaz, and, like, fucking puts them up to his eyes, and he's like, I need these to see. That's funny. She would not know why. It's just a stupid kid thing to do. Like, I have binoculars. I'm just gonna look at stuff in your office if you don't mind. Wow, look at all those awards you have. Yeah, she looks at me, and she's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm a birder! I look at birds!

So how are Franklin and Clover aiding Fenton in this? I mean, I'm talking to her about the cups and just trying to… He's playing it really cool. He turned the chair around, and he's like, listen, we gotta talk. These cups, you know they're shit. You cheap down the cups. Just own up to it. My uncle, he sells cups. Okay. Fuck, I'm really getting myself into it. He says that under his breath to Clover. Yeah, this is a good tack. What's Clover doing? I could have the cup.

You brought a cup from the restaurant to be like, what about these ones? Maybe it was just part of my gear. Yeah, what's on your gear? Yeah, what is it? There's no cups on my list. Arcane implements. Arcane implements? You're an alchemist. You could have one of your little bottles, like jars or something like that. Yeah, I have a mason jar. Fuck yeah. And I help you by putting that down, and I'm like, for example, this is a good drinking device because it doesn't flare out.

It's just up and down. And look, I tap it. I'm like, doesn't even fall over. She laughs like, you know what? I kind of like that. I kind of like the idea of drinking out of mason cups. It's fun. It's homey. It's rustic. Nothing says mom like mason jars. I hear that. I hear that. So each of you take your stress and Fenton is rolling two dice instead of rolling two and taking the lowest. Good job, everybody. This is teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork. Group action. What the fucking shit is going on?

Oh, good. Oh, he has the binoculars backwards. He's got. Yeah, I got two ones. Oh, okay. So yeah. Okay, so it was risky, which is great, which means a secret clock ticks twice more. Oh, what is this secret? You're at a number out of another number. Oh, my fucking God. Shit. And she's talking to you about the cups and the mason jar. And is like, this is great. I love this. What a great idea. And she sees Fenton with his binoculars just looking at shit in the office.

She's like, hey, kid, what are you doing? And I lower the binoculars and I'm like, I'm looking for a northern flicker. Yeah. What's that? It's a type of bird. Okay. Not going to find any birds in here. Only one bird in this office and it's Mia. So and she as you're doing this, she takes a bunch of papers off her desk. And puts them on her lap. We got to get those papers. You're not getting those papers. I'll tell you that much. Franklin said that out loud. What do you mean?

You got to get these papers. These are my papers. What's on them? None of your business kids. What kind of do you want your 100% satisfaction guaranteed regarding the cup incident? It's been satisfied. Thank you so much. We will return your money for your drink. Can we have the soda please that I spilt at least? Yeah, flow will take you. You know, you go back out to the seating area. Do whatever you want. Enjoy your time at Mama Mia's. We'll get it to go this time. Thank you very well.

Thanks Mia. Yeah. See you later kids. And she looks after you suspiciously. We love we all I look back suspiciously. Close my door. Bye. Let me know if you see that northern fucker. Close the door. And you're given a pine cola to go and ushered out of Mama Mia's by flow. Fuck. Sorry guys. That's okay. There was too much Vaseline on the wings for me to see anything much Vaseline. Why did you Vaseline your binoculars? I didn't. There's just loose Vaseline in my bag.

Okay, I have all those mason jars at home that you can use for your Vaseline and I don't know why you just put loose liquid in all your bags. It's a consistent problem with Fenton that he just has loose liquid. Yeah, consistency problem that we have with Fenton loose goo just around. Yeah. Okay. So Mama Mia's. Ain't going to give up no gold, but we got one more restaurant to introduce and also the cave remains. Let's try another restaurant. Yeah. So what's the third restaurant? Mr.

Mike's casual steakhouse. Don't just name after restaurants. I love that like early on in the podcast when we introduced the high spirit mall, we still had Wes as a producer and he's like we really shouldn't just be naming things like the names of real things is a joke. We should be trying to come up with our own stuff when we're like, yeah, fair enough to know Wes isn't here in 90% of our business names are just places. Mr. Mike's casual. Okay, let's try and mix this up a little bit. Fine. Mr.

Mike's casual steak has an eatery and Mike's and then in parentheses, but also still part of the name is pleaded khakis mandatory. So it's Mr. On the sign. Mr. Yeah. Mr. Mike's casual steak has an eatery pleaded khakis mandatory pleaded khakis mandatory if you please owned by I assume a guy named Mike now his last why would you assume that his last name is Mike? Of course, my first name is not Mike. It's Dan. I'm Dan Mike. Mr. Dan Mike. Okay, it's my father.

So all of the I am at one of the servers look like are they just guys in pleaded khakis. No, it's it's it's kind of like good looking girls again pleaded khakis, but they're in pleaded khakis and polo shirts. I assume yes, yes mandatory. It is mandatory. They're pleaded khaki skirts. Okay, squirts squirts, but you think this is just a skirt. No dice. It's both.

So yeah, there are a couple servers outside wearing pleaded khaki squirts and tasteful baby blue polo shirts and they have plates of just chunks of steak. I have a plan, but I need Mr. Gilbert to come out of retirement. Why is he always in retirement? Because you say that every time I get and Clover. I need you to pretend to be Mr. Gilbert's daughter. Okay, Wilhelmina Gilbert. It's a hard name to remember. I'll try so we go around the corner done the Mr. Gilbert disguise.

Okay, then we come out my shoulders. My neck is getting I know and Fenton's been putting on weight to so it's not great. Franklin started a secret clock where he's building a little saddle for Mr. Gilbert and Jones. I didn't tell you about that and we walk up to the servers at Mr. Mike's casual steakhouse. Yeah, an eatery pleaded khakis mandatory. Yeah, say the whole thing and I'm holding Clover's hand. They see you walking up and they go. Hello, sir. What a cute little daughter you have.

Welcome to Mr. Mike's casual steakhouse and eatery pleaded khakis required. Can we help you? Hi, I actually here because I heard that Mr. Mike can arrange Charles Eve photograph for people who maybe missed the booking. You really went. Yeah, why don't we do that? That was I wouldn't piss off this way. I just like that Franklin is sitting underneath like I was like, oh, of course, the fuck. Of course we should have done this first. Oh, hi, I'm here for my photo shoot.

Yeah, instead I need to see your manager because I spilled pine coal and it looks like I peed myself. Oh, yeah, his crotch is super sticky right now. Oh, man. Okay, great. So they both look at each other like, you know, side eye. I'm not sure that I know what you're talking about, sir. And I want to use my ability to lie as consort. No, sway. And really like just be like, I know something's going on and I'm desperate. Which means it's a desperate situation. Yeah. But yeah, Mr.

Gilbert is like a real sweaty kind of dude. So he's like, come on, please. My wife's gonna fucking kill me. She's already she wants to leave me not really for another person just just to not be with me which is worse. I think that's great. Franklin's inside. Damn, dude. Depressing. Great. So I'm saying I'm thinking this is going to be desperate standard unless you can convince me that it's going to be great. And I have an idea for what's called a devil's bargain.

Something that's going to happen. Regardless, but you get an extra die for it. Okay, what is it? I'm going to take my mystery clock. Okay, cool. Get an extra die and you get an extra tick on that mystery clock. Is there anything that you want to do to try and make this desperate great? Because if you get great, that's three ticks and you'll find Charles. What? We only need two ticks to find Charles. I wish that were true. Oh, right. Yes, that bump is not one. Yeah, we filled God for that.

Sorry, I drew this clock so bad. Oh, no, that was Alfred Hitchcock. Okay, I remember now. Yeah, so you only need two more. So if you succeed at this, bingo, bango. Yeah. Yeah. So you want that die and I get to take my clock? I don't really need it. Okay, fine. You don't have to take it. Who's the devil in this bargain, Sean? You know what? Maybe I will take it. No, no, no, no. If you don't want it, you don't have to take it. I kind of like risk. So spicy. Mr. Gilbert is a real risk taker.

Yeah, not just because it's two kids in a trench coat. I become Mr. Gilbert when I get on your shoulders. I can't Mr. Gilbert. I can't believe the flexibility that I allow you with your two kids in a trench coat move like a little baby face like they've just for some reason accepted that you're a person. I think there's a lot of weird looking people in the mall. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Okay. So yeah, roll it six. Damn. Damn it. Do you have the highest one? Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

You get to take you get to finish that Charles clock. Yes. We did it. We found Charles somehow and I haven't been able to complete my mystery clock. So what's the information that we got from the first restaurant? The information was just that he's clearly been here and seen but they're like no. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's why we stuck around and kept asking fucking questions and Mamma Mia is involved. Yeah, she has papers. She has papers and she put them on her ample lap. Her ample lap.

Ah, it's creating a shelf protection. Now she has a shelf at front and back. Sorry, Brenda. God, Mia's dragging around a shelf. You know what I mean? Looks like she's pushing one too. Yeah, this is two of the shitty dads in Barbecue King's talking. Yeah. God, Mia's dragging around a shelf. You know, she's not really my thing, I guess, but no, no, she's my thing. I think about it. I gave it a second thought. She's my thing. Yeah. And so Mamma Mia that confirmed you're on the right track.

And now because you took the most obvious tack, which is trying to get somebody to tell you where you can get the pictures. Genius. The server that you're talking to is like, I couldn't possibly know what you're talking about, sir. Can I interest you in a free sample of our tenderloin? She winks. I would love your tenderloins. And then Fenton takes I'm sorry. That's fine. Fenton takes his hand. Not that one. Oh, maybe the one furthest to the left. My left. Your right.

Fenton's also not great at left or right. Oh, fuck. Franklin sticks his hand and I look down like, okay, yeah, that way. What is it? It's a piece of steak. Okay, I take that one. I take it. I put it in my mouth. Yeah. I start chewing it. You feel something in your mouth that's not steak. And then I I clench it between my teeth and I'm like, thank you very much. Good. Good. Timmy, should I walk away before I? Yeah, you should go. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you, sir, for visiting Mr.

Mike's Steakhouse and Eat. Casual Steakhouse and Eatery. Pleated khakis required. Next time, come back with some pleated khakis. You haven't seen the khakis below his trench coat. And you don't want to because it'll fucking freak you the fuck out. Bye, sir. Come on, Wilhelmina. Let's get out of here. Okay, bye. Bye. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. So you have a thing in your mouth. You spit it out and it's a slip of paper. Oh, nice. Clover, please read this for me. No problem. It says…

It's an address. Make it up. Like a location. So choose what the location is. Jessica's so excited to come up with an address. There's just so much power involved. What should it be? It should be within the mall, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, preferably. Yeah. Dad's love basements. Very good idea. The garage. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, the den. Dad's love garage. The den. The den. The den. Check out my den. And for a second you guys are looking at this like, what the fuck is the den? And the den… Oh, wait.

There's more. The den in brackets and billiards. Oh. It's an exclusive billiards club beneath the cave. And now having discovered the location of the secret photo shoot involving the illicitly kidnapped small Charles, the next step for the cool tree kids is to infiltrate the cave. But that's where we're gonna end it for this episode. I'm your game master Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Fenton Beasley, the slide, Abdul Aziz. So long, everybody.

Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Offers. Peace out. And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica Tai. Bye. Thank you to our incredible Patreons, the supporters. Without you, this game wouldn't be possible. And we appreciate it every single time we play. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of the cool tree kids. Always up to no good. So tiny and greedy and angsty they be. As they navigate crime and puberty.

And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to the chocolate store as the cool tree kids plan their next score. And for you, I'll be back. I'll gladly spout more.

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corn dog addiction Benton's the slob, he seeks the safe He writes, can't buy her fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless in clothe For the tale's about to start Welcome back to Spoutmore Mall Brats, everybody.

I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara, and joining me playing Fenton Beasley the Slide, Abdulaziz. Howdy. Hello. Playing Franklin Stein the Cutter, Paul Oppers. Happy Charles Eve Eve. And playing Clover Ivy Fern the Whisperer, Jessica Tai. Welcome back. When last we left the Cool Treat Kids, they'd pulled off a harrowing yet successful operation to discover the location of the kidnapped mall Charles for the Charles Eve photo booth. Discovering that he was being kept in the den.

An exclusive billiards club beneath the cave. Caveman themed restaurant. And centerpiece of the Man Cave. A food court controlled primarily by a gang called the Barbecue Kings. Who are the enforcers for the vineyard. Yes. The mysterious vineyard whomst we might never meet. Because they pull the strings from behind their velvet curtains. Yeah. From within their… Uh… Fuck. What do moms do? Uh, the living room where no one's supposed to sit down. Yeah. Oh. Oh, man. Vacuuming their curtains.

This is the nice living room. Go to the shitty one. Go to the den where your dad is. Oh, man. And yeah, so what's your plan now? You know where he is? You know where the Charles is? The note that you received from the chunk of steak said that the photo shoot was supposed to be tonight in a mere four hours from now. Should we go back to the sugar shack and plan a plan? Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Should we talk to Corb? Or should we wait? But we might need to do some illegal stuff.

And he said that he didn't want to know of it. True. He told us explicitly not to do any shenanigans. And not to tell him whenever we break the law, which we've been doing a lot recently. Have we? Yeah. I guess we pretended to be an adult. I think so. It's not a specific law, but it's more of like a preference for people, I think. Okay, well, let's talk about it. We're back in the sugar shack. Yeah. Borblow. Hey, what's up, kids? Where you been? Oh, you know, here and there and everywhere.

Down the man cave, mostly. The man cave? I love that place. Man, there is just so much good food and fine people to just… The ladies is what you're talking about? Oh, yeah. Dude, I need to ask you a question. I kept trying to give them money. I don't understand why I was doing that. You know what? Me neither, little bro. It just happens. You see a lady and you're like, hey, look at what I got. Cash. I can take care of you. Am I going through puberty? Is this puberty? I don't know.

How old are you? I don't know. Eight? I don't know. Could be. I have a question, Borblow. Yeah. How do I become a makeup lady like they are? Because, I don't know, they seem to get a lot of nice compliments and they had a bunch of paint on their face. And I was like, maybe I should paint my face. Is that puberty? Maybe. I don't know. I've dabbled with makeup a little bit. I'm wearing eyeliner right now. And he like, opens his eyes forcefully. Oh, wow. Cool. Goes with your keytar. Yeah, exactly.

It kind of gives me like a little bit of pop in the eyes. You know what I mean? Makes, lets people know I mean business. I want to mean business in my eyes. Here, I can, I mean, I can give you some tips like when we have some downtime. Totally. Hell yeah. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Makeup lesson. Do all you kids want to make a lesson? Yeah, let's all put makeup on. I would love that. Do you guys want to do it right now? Oh, yeah. We have.

I have to dress up as your daughter anyway. Yeah, let's talk about the plan. Borbo gives you guys some early pointers on makeup, like, you know, applying foundation and that kind of stuff. Cool. Tell me more about this T-zone. It's the T-zone misnomer. They think that it's like the T-shape on the bridge of your nose and above your eyebrows, but it's actually your whole face and you're supposed to apply tea to it every night. Wet tea bags.

I just lay them on my face and it gives me like an uncomfortable tightness in the morning that I kind of have to work through throughout the day, but it keeps my face muscles strong. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Those great pointers. Yeah. Anyways, here's a way to make your eyes so distracting that when you're fighting somebody, they look at them for too long. And then he goes through how to do that.

Fenton is, he left while you guys were doing the T-zone thing and he comes back and he's like, did I put too much foundation on? And he's in blackface. Actually, you look pretty cool, buddy. He's done his arms and legs. Oh my God. Yeah. Too much. And then we cut away. We cut it. We cut to them hosing me off pretty aggressively. Yeah. Why? This is all a mistake. I'm sorry. Oh, don't be. So what's your plan for getting into the den? Yeah. We have this like appointment slip and I show it to Borbo.

Yeah. We have an appointment with Mr. Gilbert. Yeah. And Wilhelmina, the daughter. Yeah. Yeah. And then we just go in there legit. Like, yeah, we could, I guess. That's weird. We just don't usually do it, but I'm happy to try. This is so boring though. No, it's, it'll be cool. Okay. I like that you guys are like, okay, how do we get in there? Oh, they're just going to let us in. I wonder if there's a hole in the roof. Maybe we could tunnel underneath with like badgers or something.

Or maybe we could like, you know, drug all of them. Like give them all wine gums or something. Sleep. Forget me, pops. Yeah. Yeah. What if Borbo, you become the dad and then like a Trojan horse sneak attack? That's not bad. A Trojan horse in this universe is a, is a kind of horse that hunts by doing sneak attacks. It's a predatory horse that ambushes. Yeah. It's really good at hiding in bushes. And then it jumps out and like punches you in the face. Perfect. That's terrifying.

I keep thinking about the Grinch. Like if we are to steal Charles and Abel. Oh yeah. Totally. Yeah. So the plan right now is get in normally and then try and steal the Charles with the bag in a surprise attack at some point. Like beg him, get out of there. Yeah. What if we got Borbo to pretend to be our dad and then we all went in and got a photo just for ourselves before we fucking kidnap him? Maybe we can give Charles Eva forget me, pop. Yeah. True. Oh yeah. We can drug Charles.

Once we're sitting on his lap, he'll be so easy to drug. Absolutely. And you're supposed to fight Charles anyway. So you make it look like an, just like a, a big deal. Right. Yeah. I like this. I like this. I'll, I'm in for any kind of fight. All right. Yeah. Let's get our biggest bag. That's, this is actually kind of a good plan. Yeah. Like a little bit. Right. Yeah. And Borbo's like, perfect. So I am pretty young to have three kids your age.

So I'm going to use my makeup skills to make myself look a little bit older. You want me to do your foundation? Nope. I'll do it myself. Thanks a lot. Thanks for the offer. I appreciate it. I have some of Greg's clothes you can wear that I haven't cut up yet. Oh, perfect. Yeah. I'll make you look like a real dad. Great. Perfect. Here, I want to give you some of my candy weapons. I give her a bubble gum and some candy knuckles just in case shit gets real out there, Borbo. Perfect.

I like the idea that the candy knuckles come in one of those like Macintosh toffee style wrappers. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I'll give you a little bit of that bit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, Borbo is actually going to be something called a cohort. Does this mean that Sean's playing? Kind of. Yeah. Not, not, not. It's a Charles Eve miracle. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Um. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

This is a flashback to when Fenton was like hanging from one of the catwalks above and he was slipping and they were like, hold on. Hold on.

Hold on it's all you just so you'd remember to hold on yeah that's what they kept chanting up to me because they're like he's gonna forget and let go he's fucking an idiot well an emergency crew was like bringing a lad but my ears are getting itchy hold on hold on hold on uh so I'm just gonna do a quick thing and create with you guys I'm going to explain what a cohort is it's basically an npc that you can direct to do a task and they have their own tags so your tier one we've decided because of the number of jobs that you've done so borbo is tier two oh sick as an expert that means that he's just like really good at something and he's basically like what muscle yeah basically yeah so that's his job is like muscle good charm so the potential edges are fearsome independent loyal and tenacious you get you can get one or two of those well loyal for sure I think and tenacious yeah my bed jess yeah I'm good yeah so loyal means the cohort can't be bribed or turned against you.

Yeah. Borba would never turn against us. And the tenacious, and tenacious means the cohort won't be deterred from a task. So even if he's like, this is going to be really hard, he's going to do it anyways. Yeah. Because he's too… Works for us. Already is. Yeah. He's too dumb to be like, nah, I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. So now you need to, he gets two flaws because you chose two edges. So the potential flaws are principled, savage, unreliable, and wild. Wild. Wild, definitely.

Because wild is the cohort is drunken, debauched, and loudmouthed. Yeah. We're just going to say he's a loudmouth. Yeah. Principled, I would say. The cohort has an ethic or values that it won't betray. He is principled too. He is. He's like a bro to the fault. Yeah. He's a bro to a fault. Yeah, I think principled. Yeah, he follows the bro code. The bro code sucks. But I know what you mean. Like he's not… But Borbo doesn't. But he's not an underhanded guy is what you mean.

Like if he's going to fight somebody that's going to be straight up, he's going to call them out. He's going to fight them. Yeah. Not just like… The Borb code. The Borb code. We're going to have a thing called the Borb code. Yeah. Rule number one, always take a punch. Borbs before bros. Yeah. Yeah, Borb's number one. You kids are number two currently. Sick. Yeah, okay, cool. So now you've got Borbo. Borbo is like an upgrade that you took basically for your crew. Fuck yeah. Cool. Yeah.

Does Borbo have a bike? Borbo runs really fast. He's got great cardio. He just runs with that small bike. He's not as fast as you biking, but he will get to where you're going eventually. Can you run like this please? Fists in karate chop motion. Oh yeah. Like Terminator style. Yeah. He's using this as his cardio. Yeah. He's really into aerodynamics as he talked in our sex talk. Yeah. Oh yeah.

And since you guys went back to your hideout before you did this, you can uncheck as much of your load as you want and you can choose a different amount if you'd like. I'm going to wear a dress with a lot of pockets. Mm-hmm. So I'm going to have a normal load. Cool. Can you make sure to bring drugs? Yes. I mean, or the candy? Again, it's unchecked until you decide to check it. Oh, right. So normal means that like, yeah, you've got a lot of pockets and a backpack.

Like it's obvious that you're carrying stuff. Well, my dress is extremely poofy. Yeah. So you can't tell. That would be light. No. Yes. It is normal. Fine. Fine. I'll have a big purse. Yeah. Perfect. Perfect. It's just that some like Hello Kitty backpack. Yeah, exactly. It's just if you have normal, someone might be like, hey, what's in your bag? I'll have normal. Okay, perfect. Anybody else changing anything? I'm going to change to normal as well. Cool.

I'm going to put on a Charles Eve sweater and I'm going to slick my hair over so I look good for the photo. Fenton really just wants the photo. Aw. Yeah, that's cute. And Borbo comes out after dadding himself up and he's got khaki shorts that go above the bottom of the knee. They're pleated. Pleated khaki shorts that are like way above the knee. He's got socks pulled up to midway in his calf. Black socks. Yeah. No, I was thinking white socks. White socks? With like shitty running shoes on them.

Yeah. Polo shirt, wraparound sunglasses, a mustache that's gray. And a hat that he got in a box of alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. It says like Amber Mead in like really stylish font. And he has a weird looking contraption and a holster on his belt. What the fuck is that? Don't worry about it, bro. And now comes the engagement roll. You got your plan and now we got to see how you pull off the beginning. So is this operation particularly bold or daring? No. Stealing a man? It's kind of bold.

I don't think we've ever done this. Drugging Santa Claus. And putting him in a bag and trying to sneak him out of a hideout of the barbecue cake. Bold at least. Okay. So yeah. Plus one die. Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan work? Does the plan's detail expose a vulnerability of the target or hit them where they're weakest? No. I don't think so. Can any of your friends or contacts provide aid or insight for this operation? Yeah, Borbo.

Yeah, Borbo. So that's two. The Barbecue Kings are a higher tier than you. They are a higher tier. So we'll maybe take one away for that. No, it's just because they're going to be more prepared for this kind of stuff. Okay, fuck. But you also get one base. So that's what you got for engagement roll. So we need to get a six? So basically, how it works is it's like up to, you know, one to three, the failure would be the first roll you're going to do is desperate. Four to five, it will be risky.

And on a six, it'll be controlled. Okay. Yeah. Here we go. Yes! Six! Yes! There you go. So what this tells me is that Borbo pulls off the meeting without a hitch. He goes to the cave. He's like, hey, what's up? I got my kids here and I'm ready for, we made a little appointment for a little certain thing. There's something happening in a little certain basement and he's like winking a lot at this guy. He tips down his wraparound sunglass and is like, can I help a dad out?

And we try and help him sell it. We're trying to be his shitty kids. Yeah. So what does that look like? I am just like kicking at whatever signpost is there. Yeah. It's clanging away. Yeah. What does Franklin's shitty kid look like? He's like rolling his eyes at his dad, just really making him try and feel lame. Again, like apologizing behind him, being like, like the jerk out of hand. Yeah. Just like looking at him like, fuck this guy. You're the cool teen.

You're the cool teen who's just like embarrassed anytime your dad has to talk to anybody. Yeah. Cool. Great. What does Fenton's shitty kid look like? He's got a chocolate bar that he's eating. He's, even though he is eating right now, he's like, can we go get burritos after this? So with all this happening around him, Borbo's looking at the, at the attendant, like, look, my, my wife's really got my beans under a brick. You gotta help me.

And the attendant's like, I don't want beans on my burrito. I don't want beans. And the attendant's like, very well, sir. Come, come, come with me. And there's a sign like the, the cave is a very wide open space. Like think like a Montana's where you walk in and it's one huge, huge room separated by whatever weird barriers. An old truck. Yeah. But it's, but it's a caveman themed restaurant. So it's like the Flintstones car with the footholds underneath it. Yeah.

On the walls, there's like a bunch of like antlers and shit. Yeah. Weenies stuck on them. A huge fire. Yeah. With a roasting animal. Totally. In the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. There's like an old Yesterland style animatronic of like a caveman bonking an animal on the head. Yeah. Yeah. Some sort of weird cow thing. And it's also decked out for Charles Eve because it's Charles Eve. Oh yeah. So there's streamers of meats, bowls of fake meatballs. There's tinsel. Some things are painted pink.

In the ball pit, there's a bunch of shattered glass. There's a bunch of parents like turning their kids away from the ball pit, steering them to the side. There's a room of a birthday party going on and it's in there with a, with a pinata, but instead of baseball bats, they have spears and they're all dressed up as cavemen. They're stabbing in this pinata. It's a Charles pinata. That's another Charles Eve thing where you, it's like, beat the shit out of a Charles pinata.

You beat the shit out of Charles when he breaks into your house. Yeah. Put the beard, just pin the beard on Charles. Yeah. It's happening. Right. And the animatronic caveman is dressed up for Charles Eve as well. So he has a ball of cloth over his head. Oh yeah, I forgot. Yeah. But this, he has a hole cut out for his beard. Yeah. For his big caveman beard. Yeah. Yeah. There's Charles' little helper up there. Rudolph. Randolph. That's Randolph. Randolph. That's not Randolph, kids.

That's just a festive caveman. And the attendant takes you to like the back left corner where there's a staircase that goes down and a sign on the wall above the staircase that says, The Den. And it's very like, fancy looking. Wow. In a dead fancy way. So it's like green and has that like, felted pool tabletop color with like, wood trimmed letters. It looks stupid, but. Sounds rude. Really fancy actually. Yeah. Leather couch looking stuff. Oh yeah. Yeah. With the buttons. Oh yeah. Chesterfield.

Chesterfield for sure. And the attendant goes, right down here, sir. And, Word. I don't even, I don't even know where that comes from. That's what like, my grandparents would call the couches. Yeah. Wild. They'd be like, we got a new Chesterfield. And I was like, cool. And I assumed that they were just the type of couch where it's got like, you know, you fold down like, one of the top cushions in the middle with, which has like a table with cup holders. Oh yeah.

You know, you can have the leg rest. Yeah. That's the thing about when we go into the den, there's cup holders fucking everywhere. So many cup holders. And every piece of furniture in the room can be turned into a recliner. Yeah. I was gonna say, he has a footstool. If it doesn't, there's footstools made to look like the thing. Yeah. And yeah, so the attendant says, right this way, sir. And Borba goes, thanks a lot. You're really doing me a solid. And come on, kids, shut the hell up.

Let's just get this over with. Such a good job. Franklin's actually kind of like, like he's getting there. Like, oh my God, I love my dad. And you walk down the stairs to like the double oak doors, richly stained. And the attendants left you alone. And Borba takes the sunglasses off for a second. Like, whoa. Okay. Are you guys doing okay? This is pretty intense. You're doing such a good job. Thanks. I don't know where any of this stuff is coming from. Number one dad. Yeah.

You're our number one dad. Fuck Corb. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks guys. He puts the sunglasses back on and goes, all right, kids, let's get this done. Can we start a clock? For what? To steal. Yeah. Oh, I guess to like, to steal Charles. Okay. So stealing Charles is going to be the entire point of this operation. So I kind of want to make it a 10. 10 is so hard. It's so hard. Eight it is, kids. It's 11 o'clock, Sean. That is a good point. Okay. So eight. Yeah. Eight steps. You can do it.

Abdul, please. Somebody else do this clock. I'm already mad. This is driving me fucking bonkers. This fucking clock. Jess, please. How did you draw a circle backwards? No. Yep. Yep. Great. It's fine. Okay. It's fine. No. Eight. Step clock bag. Charles. That's what the eight step clock is called. Don't know. I'm not allowed. You're not allowed. The title. You're not allowed to write on that paper. I want to write the title. You had your chance of dual. This is bullshit. Yeah.

And, uh, Charles bag is what I would have written bag. Charles. Yeah. Like an adult. You gave me the pencil. Okay. So, so Borbo opens the doors into the den, which is, Oh yeah. It smells like cigars, I guess. Maybe. Oh yeah. It smells like rich tobacco. What's like, what's weird about our tobacco. Something's weird about our everything. So what's weird about this skunky. Yeah. So Borbo walks in and for a second, you see his disguise start to slip as he's like, Oh, that's that. Dang. Dang. Yeah.

And somebody elbows him. And he's like, Oh yeah, sorry. I'm on the job. I can't do any of this. I gotta get back. And if I'm even a little buzzed, your mom's going to have my, my, uh, uh, get half of my eggs for breakfast. Holy shit. Our mom's a dick. It's a real bean buster. I feel like we might all be thinking about the same kind of place for the den. Kind of low ceiling, really big. There's a bar along one side with a ton of nice liquor bottles. Yeah.

There's, I guess just straight up pool tables along one side. Yeah. There's a whole section of pool tables. Do people just play pool in this world? They're tiny pools. Yeah. It's billiards, but the, the tiny pools of water where it's, but you have pool balls and you have to like, Oh yeah. It is like, it's a pool table is full of water. Yeah. And water polo. Yeah. Water pulo. Pulo. And the bottom of the thing is green. So the water looks green from the top. Yeah, totally. We found it.

We found it. We found the fantasy version. It's just because there's no more dad like game than billiards. Yeah. I mean, it's darts, darts. There's dartboards for sure. Yeah. But these darts are knives. Maybe it's because they're all barbecue dads. It's like butcher's knives. Yeah. And they're throwing them at cuts of meat. Oh yeah. Steak knives. Steak knives. Yeah. And they're throwing them at steaks. And they, they're like, Oh yeah, this one's a six point book.

And then they like try and get the heart. Yeah. Like noise. Round eye. Perfect. So that's, that's what's going on. There's a bunch of dads. Neon, neon signs too. Yep. Oh, sandworms. Yeah. Yeah. From McCall. And they're all sexy ladies. Oh, cover your eyes. Everyone. It's like that. It's like the thing on the mud flap of some trucks, right? Like it's not super explicit, but it's like the shape of a naked lady. Right. Fenton is staring at her pretty hard.

He takes out a few spear bucks and he tries to give it to the neon sign. Oh, Fenton. Sorry. I don't know what's happening. Hey kids, you know what I said before we got here. Don't use your real names. Fuck. Okay. Sorry. My name's, Clover. I was just going to say my name's Fenton. I'm Franklin. All right, there we go. We got fake names. Yeah. And there's a bunch of dads. There's some reclining and recliners smoking these huge pipe, a halfling pipe weed rolled cigars.

There are some throwing steak knives at pieces of meat playing pool. And there's another door at the far end. That looks, like it goes into some sort of meeting hall or something like it's big, wide double doors again. Maybe we can see like little flashes of light around the cracks of the door. Oh yeah. You hear like, like shutter bulb kind of sounds. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, great. So yeah, here you are. What do you do? What's your plan? Go in, I guess. Yeah.

So you start walking up to the door, Borbo at the head of the pack and you get there and there's a big barrel chested dad with a huge gut and his arms, his beefy arms crossed. And he's like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. You can't just walk in here. There's an order. What? What's the order? Let me check. And he looks at a clipboard that he's holding. He's like, what's your name? Dad. And he says, yeah, board was like, her, my name's dad. He's like, your name is dad. Here. My, yeah, my name's dad.

I should be on the list. And he looks down at the list and he's like, I don't see a dad on here. Oh, sorry. Uh, yeah, we got this slip. It was my dad's name is Mr. Gilbert. Miss was with the list. Oh yeah. Sorry. I, I should, I've been hanging out with the kids all day. You know, I, once they call me dad enough times, I think maybe I am dad. Maybe I lost all sense of self decades ago. You know what I mean?

And I've just become some sort of a, some sort of malleable form that takes whatever shape my family requires me to take. And the dad's like, Oh yeah, I hear that buddy. Yeah, here you are, Mr. Gilbert, you're fourth in line. So should be about, I don't know, 45 minutes an hour. 45. 45 minutes. Oh my God. He's so bad. Well, there's a little ladies room right over there. A little lady. I want to use that. Everything here feels sticky.

Oh, the little, the ladies room should be the cleanest room here. It's mostly daughters and Mia. Oh, Mia's here. Oh yeah. Oh, Mia's here. Shit. Mia's part of the barbecue King. She's definitely here. All right. There's another clock on the board. Sorry guys. She finds this four or five, six, six. Yeah. Um, six step clock. Mia notices you. Okay. So we'll come back in 45 minutes. You just kind of hang out. There's like, there's refreshments, there's games, you know, just kind of chill out. Okay.

I'm going to go take a dump. A 45 minute dump. Okay. So Clover is going to the bathroom. Yeah. Okay. Is there a plan for the bathroom or is it just hide out? Or do you actually, or does she actually, I actually, just has to take it down. Can we come with you? I look up at Borbo. I don't know why you would do that. There's a little boy's room. And I fucking grab the shorts that he's wearing and I tug him in. I'm like, we have to talk about the fucking plan. Yeah.

And we're not going to do it in the little lady's room. Don't you think that's going to be a little suspicious? Fuck. Here, come along kids. Come over here. Let's look at, all these, uh, these paintings of all of the members of this fine establishment. Okay. God, you're so lame. Yes, I'm lame. And I'll always be lame. And one day you'll get older and then you'll be lame. Okay. And he takes you over to like a bunch of paintings that are just the members of the barbecue Kings.

Uh, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And this looks like just a regular bathroom. There's stalls along one wall sinks along the other. Hello. Is there anyone in here? There's two pairs of feet in the far stall and there's like giggling and laughing and splashing, splashing. Yeah. There's splash. I want to know who's in this stall now. There are kinds of kids. Yeah, totally. Um, over actually has to take a dump.

It is fun to work a bodily function into the narrative of the show that we, but while I take a dump, I want to overhear what the girls are talking about. Okay. So that would be, uh, what is called survey 2d six. Take the lowest. Okay. Please. No. Oh shit. It's definitely going to take a clock. Oh, and you can hear the girls talking, but you can't hear exactly what they're saying. You just hear like giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle, sploosh, giggle, giggle, giggle, swisper, sploosh.

And you take your dump. Yeah. And you come out of the stall and you're like, man, I'm not hearing anything. And, uh, you, the door swings open and Mia is walking in and she's like, I'm not hearing anything. And she's like, I'm not hearing anything. And she looks at you and she walks over to the sinks to wash her hands. Uh, there's a little soap bug on the wall and she squishes it and some soap comes out of it. Cool. And she washes her hands and she's looking at you.

Hey, haven't I seen you before? No. And then I just walk out of the bathroom. Didn't wash her hands. No, I didn't. You didn't. Well, Feta doesn't know. So he, uh, yeah. So Mia is like, that was like, she looked really suspicious. So I rush over to you guys. I'm like, act normal. Mia's in the bathroom. Oh, Mama Mia. Yeah. Shit. Okay. Hey, who's Mia? Evil spaghetti lady. I have to hide. Evil spaghetti lady. She's the owner of Mama Mia's. She saw us earlier.

We tried to get information from her, but we didn't really get any information from her. We just kind of ticked her off. Oh, Mama Mia. It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. Hey, if we see her, you have to pretend to run a mason jar distribution company. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Point. Yeah. Okay. I can do that. I love mason jars. They're jars that you fill with stone, presumably. No, no. Well, they can be filled with anything. Okay.

Jars can do that. I had her in the table. Okay. But yeah, Mia comes out of the bathroom, sees, um, the kids that were in her restaurant earlier today. We're all together again. We lie down in the booth. So she doesn't see us. Can we do that? Uh, I mean, yeah, you can, but it's horrible hiding as well. No, it's just a narrative thing. Yeah, totally. Um, so you guys just duck down. You're sitting in like a diner style booth. That's, um, near the bar section.

And Mia walks over and is like, Hey there, these kids, yours. She sees us just lying down. Yeah. Like under the table to the table. I think Fenton and Franklin just laid down in the booth. I just laid down in the booth. I actually laid down on my stomach and I stuffed my hands under my torso. I did a thing when I hid my face and really close into the small of Borba's black back. Hey, these kids yours. Oh yeah. These are all three of these little troublemakers. They came out of my wife.

And Mia's like, I, I hear you. They were in my restaurant earlier today. I was like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I heard you in a restaurant earlier today. Isn't that right? Kids? Oh, Oh, you. Yeah, that was you. Hey, thanks for the pine Cola. Right? Sorry about that. I come out of the table. Oh, no, it's all good.

They just mentioned that you sell mason jars and thought maybe we could have a little conversation about maybe some distribution and supply. Borba was like, Oh yeah, I'd love nothing more than to speak extensively to you about jars. Franklin's doing the hand shrinking thing. Like not, not extensively. They just agree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We could probably wrap it up pretty quick. I don't know. Maybe just like a quick, quick chat, quick chat, kids. Why don't you go?

Why don't you go run, skate some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, check to see if I have any more spear bucks. Okay, this is three. I've got three more. Thanks, Dad. Share, please. Okay. Share. We will. God. Alright. Get out of here, you little scamps. And Mia slides into the booth and her and Borbo start talking. Don't fuck our dad. Yeah, our mom will be really mad. Yeah, our mom doesn't do it and neither can you.

Are you guys trying to draw more attention to yourselves? We're going. Get more guys. And yeah, they just start talking. So Borbo has Mia cornered for a little bit. Hello, everybody. This is your favorite director, Grefg Smushlin. And our sponsors for the next season of the DeSomme Creek Theater Society have demanded we play their advertisements now. Hi, High Spirit Mall. This is Walter Waves, owner of the Crystal Pool, Wave Park, Wave Pool, and Wave Emporium.

I'm here to let all residents and visitors of the mall know that this fall, we will be unveiling the brand new Lazy River. 4,000 feet of the laziest, slowest, and calmest water you've ever floated down. I'm also here to let you know that we will no longer… Be holding any of the BBQ Dad or Vineyard-sponsored events in the Lazy River. I am very sorry to all members of the Vineyard and the BBQ Dads, but there was too much broken glass in the Lazy River after your events. Crystal Pool.

We're safer for kids now. Are you looking for a D&D podcast with actual stakes? A world where every decision the cast makes is met with consequence? Then journey to the world of Theria on Dungeons & Randomness. We're an actual play podcast with over 14 years of stories, and our newest arc, Frostborn, was created with new listeners in mind. Check out Dungeons & Randomness wherever you get your podcasts and join our incredible community for the adventure of a lifetime.

And thus they have been played. Fare thee well, and see you next time. See you upon the stage. We need to come up with a plan to fill this. Yeah, you do. Also, yeah, we need to find a way out of that room that's not through this bar. Because we have a man in a bag. Can we get a peek in that room? No, they're not going to let us in. I mean, you can always try. You could just, like, try and run in or something stupid. Or go through the vents to see inside. Yeah.

Or we could pretend to play a game of chase. Oh, yeah. And then have a looky-loo. Yeah, like, force your way through the door, basically. Yeah, like that. How about, I'll run distraction on the guy at the door. Oh, yeah. Sure. Okay. That'll give you and I the opportunity to bolt in. So this sounds desperate to me. What? Well, this is like, you know, it's like, it's not your standard like, ooh, we might get busted. It's like, if they get mad about this, they're going to get really mad.

Quickly running past a bouncer is a good way to really get your ass beat. Yeah. So this will be desperate. So who is doing this? I think it's a group action. Yeah, it is a group action. A group action works if so, like if you're all playing chase or whatever, that's how that would work because you all have to roll the same action. You can do that. Okay. I'll be I'll be over behind the bouncer going 10 9 covering my eyes 8 7 counting down before right or not. Here I come for.

Oh, good for hide and see. Yeah. Do we run during hide and see? Okay. Okay. Okay. So we're all confused like how we play games because we don't play games. Yeah, you're criminal. What's the game where you guys chase me tag? Yeah, let's do that one. Yeah. Okay. So I'm trying like it's definitely prowess to like run around. Perfect. I have it skirmish. I guess it would be skirmish. Yeah, because it's like about physically battering things around, right? That's your plan.

So how's that work with the group action again? The group action would be everybody rolls and then you take the highest result. Oh sick. Oh, that's just straight up a six. That's a six. Yeah, that's this is going to be two check marks because that was a standard role.

Oh, yeah, cool and you it sounds like the kind of thing where it's like you're all running around and being disruptive generally and the bouncer is like cut it out and stop running around and then someone like darts around him and goes through the door like he he he. Yeah. Okay. What do you see on the other side? I think it's like probably like a photograph set up, right? Yeah, but so they've set it up in a room that's already a part of their den, right?

You know in like Sherlock Holmes movies or whatever or movies about Victorian England. There's those gentlemen's clubs where they all just sit around like drinking. Uh-huh. I think maybe it's one of those two. There's a ton of chairs. Okay. Yeah for just hanging out and they've moved aside a bunch of chairs and set up the photo booth area. What does it look like the staging area? I think it's like yeah, there's like.

It looks like a living room and it's because you're supposed to wrestle Charles, right? Yeah. So it looks like they staged it to look like a living room. Charles is like he creeps in through a broken window. You grab him pretend to fight him. They take a picture of that and then you fuck off. Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah.

So that's what's going on right now is there are there's a photographer who looks very tired and two dads one dad is like waiting with his kids and the other dad is watching his kids get their picture taken and there's a kid on the mall Charles's back like with its arms with their arms around his neck and then another kid is like jokingly pushing Charles away from a bowl of meatballs that's on a table behind them. Okay. Is there like any actual door like other doors that lead out of there? Yeah.

Good call. That would be yeah, that'll be a survey. Does anyone have that? Nah, fucking dumb. Does anyone want to take some stress and aid? Oh, yes. I will take stress and aid you too because this is important. Oh, well, the highest is six for sure. Great. So yeah, you mark two more. Yes. Awesome. And you see that there's a door on the far end against the wall in the corner with one of those signs that's like an exit sign, right? It's like employees only. Yeah.

And it's one of those like drawings of a staircase with a person running up it. Yeah. Cool. All right. Got you and the bouncers like kids get out. It's in your turn yet. Sorry. Sorry. And you just have some pushy back and now I'll chase you as are as per the rules of tag the time on our tradition of the children's game that we love to play as kids and to know we already did the thing. You don't talk like that. It's like Fenton wants to keep playing and you're like no, we already did it.

Why would we act like kids? Yeah. Yeah. And you hear from the booth that Borbo is talking to Mia. Look lady, you're really butternut in my squash here, but I'm willing to make a deal butternut squash is a good thing and he's he looks kind of exasperated like it looks like he's running up on the outside edge of his knowledge of mason jars, but you've still got a little bit of time before Mia is going to be free roaming again. Okay, there's a bouncer inside a bouncer at this door.

That guy's on the outside of the door. He's not going to be a big problem, but there is a guy in there. So it's going to be a photographer and one other guy. No bouncers just outside. I thought there was two dads in there. I mean, yeah, there was two guys. So there's going to be two dads in the photographer. Well, like Borbo and one dad waiting. Yeah, that's what it was. It was a dad whose kids were having their picture taken and then a dad waiting with his kids.

The photographer looked exhausted. Yeah, maybe we can take him and Borbo can handle the other dad. Yeah. Yeah, and we should probably drug the probably give the guy forget me pop. Yeah, it's a good thing. I loaded up on them. Yeah, the bouncer is what I mean. What were you thinking? I was thinking of Charles. Yeah, definitely give Charles a forget me pop. Yeah, get Charles a forget me pop. Get maybe give the bouncer forget me pop so we don't get chased out of here. And then give the other dad.

Are we fucking drugging everyone? I guess that's maybe what my idea is. We could give it to the whole family that's waiting. We're drug dealers again. Okay, great. That's a that's a decent plan. I think we can also secure when we secure the door when we're in there. I can use a bubble got bubble gum nets. Totally good idea. Okay, I like that idea. Okay, so we have a tentative plan. Yeah, who who has slash where is the bag? I have bag under my dress under your puffy dress. Great. Cool. Okay.

So what's your next step here? You know that he's in there, you know that there's an exit. I guess we just wait till our turn. Yeah, let's get a Shirley Temple. We have some money. Perfect. Oh, yeah, perfect. Do you guys want to role play just sitting at the bar for a little bit? Yeah, totally. So we're all sitting at the bar and kicking my legs on the high stool.

Yeah, there's one of the the members of the Barbecue Kings who's really obsessed with like having his own bar behind the bar cleaning a glass. What can I help you kids with? I'll take two fingers of sarsaparilla and a finger of sarsaparilla. That's why you gave me three fingers of sarsaparilla. He throws down a you heard me chief spice. Three bucks right away. I like the way you drink little guy and he flicks his cowboy hat. Can I have a chocolate milkshake, please?

Or actually a chocolate milk with a twirly straw. What about you little guy? Can I get a glass full of lasagna? I cannot do that for you. Can I get a cup just full of marinara sauce? Maybe is ragu. Okay. Yeah, I'll be fine. Can I get three fingers of ragu? Yeah, he comes he dips under the bar and comes back up almost too fast with three drinks and puts them in front of you. Is this straw compostable?

I suppose that if you were to put it in a compost and not try to look for it, you could assume that it was compostable. You can have it back then. And he he spits on it and wipes it off with his cloth and puts it back with the straws. And then he spits in the glass that he's cleaning and he wipes it off. So what brings you kids around these parts? You getting your picture with Charles today? Yeah, it's the plan. Well, I'll be hot damned. And he starts wiping the counter.

I remember my first picture with Charles. I got a little overzealous and I popped him on right in his schnauz. And that was quite a Charlesy for me. Did he what what happened to you when you hit him? Oh, he was he was just a moral Charles. He he got real mad, but then security showed up and calmed him down. And I just had to skip it next year. Oh, so security doesn't mind if you bop them on the nose. Oh, I wouldn't say that, but I don't think we got to worry about security tonight.

This is an exclusive establishment. Barbecue kings take care of their own. I shouldn't have said that. You kids don't need to know the inner workings of things. You're just little kids. Yeah, we're normal little kids. We have no recollection of anything you would say to us. If you have anything to get off your chest about stuff. Yeah, we're trying to milk them for information. Yeah, I'll have another sarsaparilla and you know what? I'll buy one for the bartender.

One of your cheers in there, mister. Okay, this is definitely consort. Yeah. Oh, no, I have consort. You have consort. Yeah. Great. So yeah, Fenton's going to roll two for this. Yeah. To try and get a little bit of information at it. Yeah. You know what I would like to know is I would like to know where the vineyard hangs out. Oh, because just as a contingency, like where like if they catch us and they're like, well, you're fucking done.

I want to be like, we're going to tell your wives if you if you don't give us mall Charles right now. Okay. All right. Here we go. All right. Consort, my friends tell me about your wife, sir. Fuck. Well, that's just a roll anymore. No, but if you want to, maybe it's a critical. Oh, shit. Yeah. Six. Oh, six is wow. So that's a critical man. This dude has a lot to get off his chest. Yeah, he's got a loose lip sink ship and took a big drink of whatever he wanted. Uh-huh.

Fenton takes his own glass that was full of marinara sauce and he grabs a rag off the counter. He starts cleaning it himself from the other side of the bar and he's like, it's enough glass full of marinara. Yeah, he starts cleaning it and I'm like, tell me a little bit about your wife. Seems like you might have something to get off your chest about her. Oh, my wife, my beautiful Penelope.

I met her when I was but a young buck and we had such a life together and then we got married and things got a little more difficult. You know, working for your wife can be a little difficult. Yeah, tell me about it. But that's what it is when you're married to a powerful woman and he looks off wistfully into the sky. Where does that powerful woman work and operate? My beautiful wife, Penelope, she pulls the strings of this mall in a way that you children could never even conceive of.

Help us conceive of her. Describe it in detail. Has she ever conceived of children? Oh, she has conceived of many children by my seed. That's grosser than the thing that I'm doing. But through this you can very strongly intuit he's not going to say to a bunch of kids, my wife is a high level crime boss, but she is definitely a member if not the leader of the vineyard. Just out of curiosity, where did your kids, go to school?

I feel like I might recognize them from your face because they have the same faces. Oh, my family and I, we recently moved to a beautiful condominium in Silver Mills. Pretty close to my wife's work which is nice. I gotta stop saying stuff like that. But yeah, we have a beautiful home. Thank you for asking. Yeah, and thank you for the ragu and the good conversation and I plop the thing back on the table. And you hear the big bouncer by the door go, Mr.

Gilbert and children and Borba goes, thank God. This lady's really wrangling my huevos, if you know what I mean. How do you do that? I don't know. Let's go, kids. Let's get this picture good and done with because my wife's going to be angry if I'm later than I said I was going to be, right, fellas? And everybody goes, oh, yeah, I know what that's like. I know what that's like.

And you get, uh, ushered into the room and there is the dad that you saw waiting before is standing watching his stupid kids be little assholes to the mall. Charles, he's getting pushed and pulled around a lot more than he should be. And the, uh, the photographer is just, she's so tired, wants to leave so badly and Borba goes up and is just standing next to the dad like, hey, Charles Eve, huh? Picture is pretty cool. The dad's just like, yeah, yeah, pretty cool.

And this haunted look on his face continues for five minutes as his kids take the pictures and then they start to leave. So now it's you, Borba, the photographer and the mall, Charles. You have a few moments while there's nobody else in the room. What do you do? Uh, hey, lady, uh, photographer, you look really tired. Do you want a caffeine pop? My mom always uses them whenever she has a headache. Uh, that's going to be a sway. I don't have it. I'll take a stress.

I was going to add stress too, but yeah. Yeah, you had some stress too. Yeah. Take another day. Oh, Bill. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, or okay. Yeah. No, I like this a lot. How many pie pieces? That's two pie pieces, but because it was a four to five, there's still a complication. And that complication is the next person to get her pictures is Mia. Mia walks through the door with her kids and you hear the giggling that you heard in the bathroom and it's presumably, these are Mia's daughters. Dang it.

And they're identical twins. They both have like really weirdly borderline bowl cut shaped like red hair. Oh, wow. And they are just you can tell just by being near them. They are insufferable. And they're kind of wet. Ew. From the toilet. Guys don't go near them. They were splashing in the toilet. Gross. Did they wash their hands? No. No. Oh, sick. Oh my God. Those freaks. God, that's so gross. Oh, shit. Scratching her shoulder. And Mia goes, oh, hey there, buddy.

We can keep talking about mason jars. And Borg was like, look, Mia, I don't know what to tell you. I gave you all the information I could. We'll set something up after Charles Eve is when I get back to my distributor, blah, blah, blah, more business stuff, which he says, directly to blah, blah, blah, more business stuff. He's starting to flag a little bit. He's like, this Mia lady is indomitable. She is so interested in getting mason jars for her restaurant. She loves her restaurant.

She wants it to be the best that it can be. So we just need one more tick. Yeah. You do. What should we do, guys? Okay, so the photographer is about to get really sleepy. Yeah, the photographer takes the pop from Clover, pops it in her mouth, and is like, oh, oh, this, this tastes pretty good. Yeah, it's a cherry flavor. Guys, we have about 45 seconds. Okay. 45 seconds. We're going to Borbo like get her, get Mia. No. Okay. No.

I mean, if there was somebody that was going to, he's going to have to. It'd be Borbo. Hi, Charles. I sit on his lap and I look at Borbo like I get behind Charles and do the neck holding thing. Oh, hey, Charles. Thanks, man. And I'm aware that there is only 45 seconds. And I really want this fucking picture. So I point at the photographer later. I'm like, take that fucking picture right now. Right now. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me.

Get up there or you're not getting the picture. I'm up there. Quiet. Please. She's got the thing in her mouth, the stick sticking out. Be quiet. Please please take the smile and be quiet. Okay. Cheese. Pash as the bulb goes off now during the flash. Oh, yeah. During the flash. During the flash. Yes. I flip my dress up and then out comes the bag. Okay. And you were giving me. I have the other side. Okay. Stuff a pop in his mouth. Yeah.

He pulls a forget me pop out of his butt and then puts it out of his butt. He was worried about getting searched. Okay. So this sounds like a skirmish group action. I'm moving past Abdul's butt thing. I'm not going to fight it. Whatever. It happens. So this is. This is a skirmish group action. Great. Here we go. Oh, gosh. Minus four. Damn it. We I got two. I got a three and a one. It's because I use the curse dice. No, no, no. It's okay. So four still means that you check the clock. I win.

I won that one. Yeah. With your two to take the lowest because you got the picture. Yeah. Pop. Yeah. And the picture is like Fenton pulling a Oh, yeah. Lollipop. Yeah. With a bag about like my dress. Half flip. Yes. Yeah. Dirty underwear in some and it's the trial. It's the Charles going like what like in some ways it's the most authentic Charlesy photo you've ever seen. My shaggins are rolled up in a nut is dropped.

In the corner in the edge of the frame, you could see like Borbo like his fist his fist as he's like open hand to plow into. Yeah. You see like just his fist in the frame. And it's blurry because it's really close to the camera. And so you guys do that. You're wrestling with the Charles. You jam the pop in his mouth. This photographer tumbles to the side.

She slumps into a chair and falls asleep as Borbo's fist connects with Mia's cheek and what the consequence of this is is kids start screaming. Yeah. Well, and a four step clock as Mia her head snaps to the side as Borbo's fist connects. And then she looks at Borbo like okay, this is how you do business. And they start fucking fighting like they are like boxing with each other. Basically I want to help. Yeah, totally bubblegum. Ned the door first though. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Somebody deal with the door. I have to do that with my cutter Savage move. I don't know. Yeah. Savage is intimidated. This is sounds like a wreck because you're trying to make sure that the door won't work. I have I have wreck and prowess. There you go. Tossed. The gun gum. Yeah. Yeah. So this would be risky standard, but because you're using like candy that you've marked off it's risky. Great. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Fuck. Yeah. So so what does this look like?

Is it like a Spider-Man like web grenade like you throw it and it hits and poof. Yeah, I thought it was a gun. No. Okay. It's not bubblegum net. Yeah, it's just I think it's just bubblegum in my head. It's a chew it. Yeah, you chew it up in my head. It's bubblegum. That's like really really compressed. So when it pops, it's like all of these threads. Cool. I have a really like wet mouth right now. So sweaty. Rest out. Yeah, and it it gums up the door real bad like it gums the handles together.

It gets on the hinges and you hear like me as kids are screaming because this guy just hit their mom and now their mom is beating some guy up and like looks at them and points and is like shut the fuck up you toilet kids. I was gonna say I have command can I tell them that like well, I mean like it doesn't really matter. They're just screaming but the door is all fucked up. There's like slamming and you hear go around go around you were gonna fight you're gonna help Borbo fight. Okay.

Yeah, I'll help him when you guys get Charles out of here. All right, we'll be close on your heel. We're gonna start dragging the bag out. Yeah up the stairs. I guess these stairs. Okay. So Franklin is going to help Borbo with Mia. Yeah, okay. Go up behind her and jump up and try and try to put a pack of trans powder on her face. Okay.

Oh, so yeah, that was going to be risky standard but because of that no risky limited because Mia is a fucking adult woman who's really strong, but it's going to be risky standard. So I have my skirmish. Yeah five and five five. Okay. Yeah, you jump up on her and you jam this like pixie stick dust stuff in her face and she swings an elbow back and connects with your head.

Oh and you get her so she's like blinking and swaying a lot as she's fighting Borbo, but you hit the ground with like a fucking welt on the side of your head. Oh so hit a kid. She did. So that means that you mark the minus one die. So mark that on your harm. Is she down? No, she's just about down. She's swaying pretty bad, but she gives Borbo a couple good ones. What are Clover and Fenton doing? Try drag Charles bag up the stairs. Yeah, that'll be skirmish. Are you rolling two or one?

I only have one. I'll take a stress and give you another one because I'm helping three. Okay. So do I take the stress for that or anything? Oh, yeah, you can resist it. Yeah. So it would cost you to stress to resist the consequence, which was going to be like the dad's bursting through the gum door, but they can't so far. They're still really you can see the doors like have started to open and you can see dad's face is like pressing against the gum. I'm pushing. I'm pushing to unlock this door.

Young lady, don't make me ask again. And then you hear one of them go. I'm going back to get my tools. Yeah, and I have a saws all in my trunk and the three of you whip your heads towards the door and you're like, oh no tools. So thankfully that consequence didn't did not come to pass because you resisted it. And yeah, Franklin Borbo is is keeping me occupied. What do you do? I want to get the fuck out of here. Okay. You know what? No, I'm fucking going savage. I have my slingshot.

I got slingshot from the ground. Makes sense. And I can't get up because I'm walloped. Yeah, I'm going to try and slingshot her. Yeah. So that's a skirmish to and minus one die because you've been hurt, right? Right. So only one instead of two. Yes. So what do you hit her with? She hit me. So I pull out one of my candy canes that are like candy cane throwing knives and I give it right before like I hold it up. You know, when you like take a shot. Yeah.

And then I put it back in my mouth and I give it a really good suck to make it super sharp and then I shoot it at her butt. Yeah. Shoot her right in the arse. Yeah. And it flies forward and it stabs right through her sturdy canvas shorts that she was wearing and she goes, my shelf. You got me right in it. There's an elf in my shelf. It's just fucking stupid. Is that the name of the episode? There's an elf in my shelf. Stupid.

And as she like grabs her butt and goes like, oh, Borbo just headband and she slow mo.

Oh, and like the candy cane shatters come up from dust flies up from the carpet that hasn't been cleaned in a long time and Borbo's like, holy shit that lady really let's get the hell out of here and he takes his mustache off and throws it on the ground and he Borbo helps you like he you don't need to really roll great to get it the rest of the way out because he just picks up the bag and is like, let's go book. Yeah. I'd say give me one kind of athletics he roll to get back.

Okay, we get on our bikes, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. And Borbo is just running with Charles like over his shoulders in a sack just through Christmas shoppers. Yeah, pretty much. So this would be I guess just yeah, it's I mean, it's probably going to be a straight prowess for everybody because I think otherwise it would be prowl or finesse. So if I have one, I just do the one. Yeah. And if I have prowess Oh, well, there you go.

You get out of this service exit and you see your bikes where they were parked in the man cave and Clover sees a bunch of dads with tool cases come out of one door and she's like, no down go this way and you hop on your bikes and you tear ass through the mall Borbo behind you and you make it back to the sugar shack safe and sound with your quarry in the bag. Wait, what the fuck do we do with this guy? There's no instructions. Do you just take him back? I guess yeah, that makes the most sense.

If we take him back to the mall Santa place, you just like because he's asleep, right? He's got the thing jammed in his mouth. You just leave him in the booth and he wakes up in the morning. I guess. Yeah. We wrote a note. Charles Eve came early this year. Signed the cool tree kids. We're taking I take an eraser. I try to erase it out and it's smudged, but it's still kind of cool tree kids. We cut to the sugar shack later and Borbo sitting there in the shorts. His polo shirt is untucked.

The baby powder that was making his hair gray has since fluttered down onto his face and he's like wow kids that ruled I had so much fun. You did great dad. Yeah, I mean Borbo. Hey, no problem kids. I just love my kids and I love beating the hell out of scary ladies. You're the best dad and you're the best dad. You're the best kids ever. Now come in here and give your old man a hug. We come in for a Christmas hug and we see the camera rise up through the sugar shack window.

Oh, wait, I had a gift for him. Okay, it's Charles Eve Eve. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So do we cut to Charles Eve morning? Yeah. The cool tree kids wake on Charles Eve morning and they rush to the front of the sugar shack excitedly and they see the windows been smashed out. What? He came. He did. He came. Oh my God. He's here. Charles came. Borbo comes up behind us like good looks like he came guys. I checked the meatball bowl. It's like it's like half empty. He even took the Pepto Pesto.

The Pesto Bismol. And Borbo's like burping a little bit like yeah, he came everybody. What did he get? What did he give us? Let's see. Let's check uh, let's check the presents that Charles threw through the window. Oh my God, they're way over here. Charles, Charles must be strong. My box is broken. Awesome. Guys, look. And then Fenton like lifts his foot up. There's broken glass in it. Yay. And uh, so what did each of the cool tree kids get for Christmas from their secret Charles?

Uh, I get a pack, a six pack of underwears like fruit of the blooms and a toothbrush which I'm like not really. Excited about but I love the underwear. Yeah, what did I what did Fenton get? Uh, Fenton got uh, what the fuck does he need? He doesn't really like anything. Uh, oh my God. What? Like Ziploc bags. Oh yeah, cause Clover was my secret Santa. She got it was it's just a bunch of jars and Ziploc bags and I was like for your creams bud.

For all my liquids and he runs over to his backpack and he scoops it up. Scoops out the loose Vaseline. He's just like it works so well. You can still still stand. He's like shaking it around the Vaseline's jiggling in the jar. I'm not getting oily at all. This is the best. What did Franklin get? Uh, he got uh, uh old worn out ballet shoes, tap shoes, wooden clogs, dance spikes, dance spikes. Yeah, there's spikes to make you so you can dance up the walls. Oh, sick.

And um, he got uh flat of uh lights out licorice, which is like a blackout powder. Um, it's like a weapon. Cool. That's cool. It's a licorice that like bursts into like a dark powder that obscures people's vision. Sick. Write that down so you remember it tight. I just did. I actually had an idea for something that Clover got that was unexpected. What? A hand carved wooden corn dog. Oh. Wait. Oh, from Seamus. Right. From Seamus. Is that in a separate box?

Uh, it was just it looks like it was thrown loose through the window. Uh, but it says it does have a little tag on it with very like jagged writing and it says Clover. Oh! Oh my god, I dropped my underwear. Wait. Wait. You dropped your underwear? Man, that fucking worked. That hot dog worked. I steamed my jeans and soaked my socks. End of story. Holy shit. Oh man. Boy, that Seamus kid really bakes her enchiladas. Man, Borbo loves this character. He does. It's fun being a dad. Theoretically.

Uh, so yeah, what's, sorry, what does Clover do that's not drop her underwear? Well, like, she drops the package of underwear. The package of underwear. Yeah. And I clutch the corn dog to my chest and I'm like, Seamus, I didn't get him anything. And uh, Borbo's like, you know what? It's not whether people give stuff to people who give them stuff.

It's the presence of somebody that you don't know throwing stuff through your window that makes everybody realize that family is the safest thing of all. And Borbo's saying all this while he's clenching two of those hand spring workout things. Ha ha ha! It sounds like Jingle Bells. Yeah. Creak creak creak. Oh yeah. Man, Charles bless us everyone. Wait, we got you another gift. What? Yeah, this one's from all of us. For me? Yeah. Yeah.

And it's uh, Fenton tried to wrap it, but it's kind of just like loose in a bag. And he gives it to her. What is it? It's the photo from the Charles Eve thing. Aww. And underneath Fenton's written family, but like backward letters and stuff. Yeah. He uh, he looks at the picture for a moment and tears well in his eyes a little bit and he's just like, Fuck. And the camera rises and sails out the smashed window of the Charles Eve celebration.

It rises up to the rafters and we see the roof of the sugar shack. We're on the very edge of the building is a very sweaty little hobnoblin in a balaclava who winks at the camera. Oh, you know, I'm not a balaclava. Yeah. That's where we're gonna end it for this week. Thanks for joining us for Spoutmore Mall Brats. I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me is always playing Fenton Beasley, the slide Abdulaziz. So on. Playing Franklin Stein, the cutter, Paul Oppers. Happy holidays, everybody.

And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the whisper, Jessica Tai. Merry Charles Eve. Thanks to all of you, our amazing Patreons and supporters. Without whom this would not be possible. Happy Charles Eve, everybody.

I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I give you the best I chocolate store as the cool treat kids plan their next score and for you I'll gladly spout mom

Pickaxe should we get to it yeah let's do it I'm pulling Quinn's intro someday when we're all alone I'll tell Borblow that he's so cool as our bodyguard and we love him as our bodyguard shut up shut the fuck up I got this don't yell at Jessica to shut up look at her she's so sad now she's laughing so hard look at how sad she is she's crying I just like Fenton telling Clover shut the fuck up I found the thing I was like shut the fuck up and help me out of this barrel he keeps getting stuck why do you guys have so many empty barrels now it was from a recent job and also like you never know when you need a barrel you know that Simpsons episode where Homer starts stealing grease to sell grease to the grease people that's what you guys did stole a bunch of grease and then we just have the barrels left over and the whole time you guys were like this is just like that Simpsons episode you wouldn't shut up about it music music music music music music music gather round friends let me tell you a tale of music music music scoundrels pretty and small a hippie, a dancer and a sweet talker who live in Hasbier Mall music So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisper, she makes all the sweets She has a kind of addiction Bent into this lie, she sleeps in a safe And writes vampire fan fiction Franklin's the cutter, he's fighter strength Despite his dance, he's holy Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends And listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spoutmore Mall Brats After dark After dark This is an hour after I wanted us to stop recording Late night episodes are always a breeze I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always playing Franklin Stein the cutter Paul Oppers Hi Playing Fenton Beasley the slide, Abdul Aziz Hello And playing Clover Ivy Fern the whisper, Jessica Tai Hello I got so thrown off during that intro Because when I looked at Abdul All I could think of was Paula Abdul I almost said Paula Abdul Wow, you finally said Paula Abdul Finally I finally put it together, Sean We have a similar name Paul and Abdul Oh Holy shit Now I'm putting it together, Sean Wow, so slow You made fun of me for your own stupidity Hey, that's a classic Fenton move That's true When last we left the cool treat kids Charles Eve took the mall by storm The holiday season swept through hot and heavy So I'm putting it together now Leaving a sticky residue behind Gross, this is after dark The meatballs of the meatball sauce Oh right, because of the barbecue sauce And the Pepto Bismol The Pepto Bismol, the meats that you hang on everything And little drops of blood from the cuts on your feet Yeah Honestly, the week after Charles Eve The mall smells awful Just terrible Yeah, they have a whole boxing week There's no sales, it's just for cleaning It's literally just particular meats Putting in a box Getting it the fuck out of the mall I was gonna say there's impromptu boxing tournaments Around the mall And whoever loses has to clean up That section Nobody's really sure what boxing week means But it's either the box thing Or the boxing thing And then once everyone's cleaned up Then it's time for Sundip Yeah, exactly So there's one asshole that leaves his meats up You're just like, fucking take him down, Jerry Take him down right now So do we think Sundip has happened?

Already? Yeah, I think it's a little while Yeah, it's a new year Ooh, who's getting close to a birthday?

Oh shit, yeah Somebody must be getting close to a birthday Let's roll a dice to find out Alright Oh yeah, that's fine Yeah, roll a d6 Okay, one, two, three I got a one Three Four It's almost Clover's birthday Oh my god Oh, it's my birthday Holy shit I'm gonna be 13 I'm gonna be a teenager Oh my god Holy fucking shit This is huge Oh my god I'm a teenager I'm a wo- I'm not a girl, but I'm not yet a woman Yeah, we're at the crossroads Yeah Of your burgeoning woman I think I need some time Just a moment that is mine Jessica's doing a fucking Britney Spears song, I'm pretty sure Whatever, no one respects me I did, I joined along, I did the crossroads thing I know, the movie Yeah Man, she's so lucky It's almost your birthday Um, wow, cool So Clover's almost a teenager Yeah Franklin's already a teenager, right?

Yeah Franklin's 13 Hell yeah, I am What happened when you turned 13? Uh, I got a pack of smokes from my dad And he said, hey Franklin, it's smoke up, buddy It was a real bad year at the old Stein house No, dad, what about you?

And now we enter downtime We gotta unwind from this And the holiday season Charles Eve has passed Sundip has passed What have the cool tree kids been up to In terms of downtime activities And also lifetime activities Uh, one of the Charles Eve The after Charles Eve traditions Is going around and Taking the tinsel out of all the cats' asses As they can't pass it through their system all the way Oh my god I'm so sorry You have to wear a rubber glove And you just hold on it And then they walk away And then they walk away And then they walk away And then they walk away And then they walk away And then they walk away And you look away How the fuck did we get this fucking job?

This sucks I'm sorry Just grin and pinch That's what the cool tree kids did for days After you just Somebody from the mall Showed up at the sugar shack And was like, hey kids, bad news Well, it's cause they pay Cause it's They pay for tinsel So there's somebody out there And then we wash it in a vat And we sell it back to this guy It's like Just like selling copper wire Clover was doing it for free Cause she loves cats Are you fucking serious?

We've been doing this for years We've been doing this for fucking free I love it I'll do it anytime I like Paul's thing that like Nobody asked you to do it You collect it To wash it And sell it back to somebody Hell yeah Like tin cans That's why we have all those steel drums That's what we were using To clean the fucking tinsel Don't get the barrels mixed up The clean tinsel and the dirty tinsel Oh man, that's why Fenton was stuck Cause he was like Oh no, I mixed them up I gotta separate them all Better get in there and smell the barrel The dirty tinsel and the clean tinsel Oh, so gross It's almost impossible to tell the difference Between these I fucking swear to God Turns out the clean tinsel is dirty tinsel Well, because this has been going on For literally decades Like people have been washing the tinsel And selling it back to this one dude Who sells all the tinsel in the mall During the holidays Smokey Yeah, Smokey the tinsel guy And he's got one of these voices Cause he smokes a lot Who did that one come from?

So that's from So Smokey is from Jansen Oh yeah, thank you Jansen for that name Thanks Jansen For Smokey, proprietor of Tinseltown So can we tell people what we're doing here? Yeah, oh, this is one of the things that can happen If you join our Patreon at the Very Fine Chef level You can suggest a name for an NPC or a place And maybe it gets into the show So yeah, Smokey, proprietor of Tinseltown Courtesy of Jansen Thank you Jansen What's up kids?

I'm Smokey Smokey Hey Smokey Hey, thanks for all the tinsel I really appreciate it He's got a big fat cigar in his mouth No problem You pay more for the clean tinsel, right? Cause we spent so much fucking time on this It depends where'd you get the dirty stuff from Well these cats And I pointed at a bunch of cats They came with us? The cats are eating the tinsel So yeah, they're like Where you going with all that tinsel?

Oh, they follow me Cause I have like bags of treats Nice That's like I'm like I'm like I'm like Yeah, good boy But because you're keeping them around We've had to do our jobs like three times Cause they keep fucking eating the tinsel You know what?

I'll pay you more for the clean stuff If you make sure those cats get the hell out of here I'm allergic to cats Well maybe you'll pay us a little bit more And we won't leave That's what I said Right now Right, yeah Sorry, fuck Here's a piece of advice, kid Don't try and shake somebody down with information They just gave you Sorry, Smokey We won't do it again No, it's okay I like you kids I like your ego And he gives you a little handful of spear bucks And maybe you give us a couple more spear bucks Or else we'll leave these cats behind I don't think you know how shaking people down works The first rule is Don't try and shake down people four times your size Smokey's huge Tall and wide Yeah He's got a big fat cigar and a little mustache He's got a tuxedo that doesn't fit very well His dickie is sticking up Because he's too big and it's too small Can you believe this tuxedo still fits me?

I wore this to my prom This is perfect Someone suggested Dick Hotman If you need a suave gentleman NPC There you go Yeah He could have a brother Yeah, his brother's name's Dick Hotman Make sure you see my brother Dick on the way out Okay, what does he have to give us?

Just a ring Corrections On how to get out of here Because there's a lot of smoke in this place There is My eyes are really red right now And maybe if you give us a couple extra spear bucks We'll not leave these cats behind Yeah, I can't find my cats They're all lost in the smoke I lean over to Clover I grab her shirt And I'm like I think I'm fucking allergic to these cats I don't know what's going on We need to get the fuck out of here Okay Come on Let's go Let's go find Dick Hotman I did it I can't see My eyes are swollen I take his hand And put it on the back of my headband And in the distance you hear This way, children The exit is over here Is that you, Mr.

Hotman? That is me, Dick Hotman Come over here, children Allow me to lead you out of this establishment My brother has filled with smoke I mean, okay, I trust him And you come over and he is He is really short And skinny And his tuxedo's way too big Who does your laundry? We share clothes We have been the same size roughly since birth As we are two twin brothers And he's smoking a really long thin cigarette in a holder Yeah All right, so now we have these spirit bugs How many do we get?

Uh, let's say ten Cool Sick That's more than I thought I'm washing my eyes out Under the water fountain I'm I'm! I'm washing my eyes out Under the water fountain Under the water fountain Just a public water fountain?

Yeah Oh, like a water fountain Yeah Oh, I meant like a drinking fountain I stumbled away to the wrong kind of fountain Clover's like, man, let's go to the fountain And Fenton's like, good idea Good idea You just, you see him climb up the side and tumble in Oh yeah, that's the stuff Guys, it's so much cleaner in here than most of our water Isn't Fenton's hair? Yeah Really curly? So you get in the water and it's just like Afterwards, it sucks up all the moisture That's how curly hair works, right?

Not really, no Okay, wait, so it's just plastic? It gets longer, yeah Oh my god You see how long Fenton's hair actually is? Because this is the first bath he's had in a year He looks beautiful Aw, just I get it I get it with Fenton, it's that thing Ding ding ding digga digga ding ding digga digga ding ding digga digga ding ding Kiss me beneath the… And I'm like whipping my hair back and forth. And then I put it in front of me and I like whip it back. Like I'm in a Pantene Pro V commercial.

And you whip it too hard and fall backwards into the fountain again. Whoa. It's down like to my butt basically so long. Wow. Okay, so downtime. All the kids get two downtime activities. How do you want to spend them? You have 10 spear bucks to burn as well. Oh yeah, cool. Sorry, dumb question. What do we do during downtime? So downtime activities, you can clear one harm box, indulge in your vice to clear three stress, tick a long-term project clock, get a new asset or gather information.

And we get two, right? Two, yes. Okay, I know which two I'm doing. Okay, so we'll start with Fenton. Yeah, I'm going to clear stress. How many stress can I clear? Three. Okay, I'm going to clear three stress. And then I'm also going to progress a long-term project. And my long-term project is to find out who our patron is. And there's only one pie piece left in that clock. So that completes it. Yeah.

That completes the long-term project clock that Fenton has been obsessed with since the Speltmore Mall Brats game began. Sick. So what does he do to clear stress? He writes some more of his vampire fan fiction. And he actually, he's getting, he's kind of transitioning where he's really getting more into performing it for everyone than he is into like just writing it. So he's like collected all the cool tree kids in Borblow in front of the sugar shack.

And he wants to like perform it for everybody. And he's coerced Franklin into doing it with him. Okay. Franklin has like half moon bifocals and a fat fucking script. Yeah. Okay. All right. So let's get a little bit of this. Okay. So this is the scene where the main vampire hot Bob and it's hot with two T's because he's so fucking hot. And it's Bob with two B's because his butt is crazy. I'd be at the beginning and I'd be at the end. Like the name Bob. Yeah. That's how I like to spell it.

It's like when you see his butt from above and when you see his butt from the side. It's like, it's like a Picasso painting. I'm playing hop up. And then Franklin's going to be playing his girlfriend, Britney Spears, the daughter of the inventor of the high spear mall. Hi. All right. Brit, Brittany, I love you. And all it will take is a single bite from my delicious mouth for you to feel the venom of the vampire of course, and through your veins and you'll transform into one like me.

And then he lifts, he lifts, he lifts his arms up to like show himself at her. And there's like skin flaps hanging from his wrist down to his waist. That's what vampires kind of look like. It's an old pair of pantyhose that he has. He's wedged his entire body. Yeah. He's kind of rigged him up. Of course, I would love to have that delicious mouth, which I have sampled every morning, night, and also at lunch sometimes. Do I have to do this? Read it like it's fucking written, man.

But what if my, Oh God, what if my wife finds out? Your wife will understand. Sorry, I'm trying to be off book. I'm not looking at a script. I told you just you read the script. No, I have to be off. No, don't show it to me. He closes his eyes and he looks away and he's like, your wife, can't give you what I can give you.

That's why she's going to understand that you have to come with me and be a vampire like I am, because that's where we go into the sky and fly around the moon, go up into the sky and around the moon and all the way back into the ground where the vampires live underground. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We hold hands. Well done. We hold hands, lift him up. Well done. Bow. And then we point up at the tech booth. And the hobnoblin has a spotlight. He takes a bow. And then he scuttles away into a vent. Franklin points at Benton and joins in the clapping. And I go, a tour, a tour. I gotta say, I did not see that coming. I also didn't see it coming.

I really didn't think she was going to want a bite of that mouth or whatever. I also like the choice that you made to make vampires live underground. That was pretty cool. They don't live underground? No. No, they live in the rafters. Yeah, they're bats, man. And then you see Benton flinch down and look up. They live in the fucking rafters. Not all rafters. Not these rafters. We clear them out pretty regularly. We clear them out? What the fuck? Dude.

Dude, you can see the rafters from where we're standing. Yeah, I don't look up. What are rafters? I don't look up because my mom said that if I ever looked up, God would look down at me and hate me. Whoa. That's heavy, man. Also, my neck fat is too big. I can't tilt my head back far enough. It's also physically difficult, yes. So that was one of his damn times for stress. I create stress, yeah. And he's finished the patron clock. But we're going to hold on to that little reveal till the end.

Till the end of this episode. Who next is? I'll go. Yeah. I need to reduce stress by three. Okay, so clear stress. How does that? What does that do? He's added a new activity to clear stress. He likes to make outfits now. He found an old abandoned pedal sewing machine. And he's making a cool outfit. What does it look like so far? I knew you were going to ask that. Will you set it up? That's why I… I came up with an answer ahead of time. Nice. It's a black tutu.

But like a short one is really close to my body. You ran out of fabric. Yeah. A black leotard underneath with like the undershirt style with a leather jacket underneath. Underneath? Underneath the leotard? Yeah. Okay. Interesting choice. It's a motorcycle jacket underneath the leotard. He did say that it's undershirt style. So it's just the straps over the leather jacket. A red leotard with a leather jacket over it. Over it. Okay. Yeah, this makes way more sense. I can move around.

He comes out and he's like, Fenn's like, try it on the outside. Oh, that actually, that works way better. Yeah, it seems more comfortable rather than smushing a bunch of leather up against your body. It seems hot. That was the point. And then, yeah, tap shoes. This is my taping fit. Oh, but are they like maybe white tipped? Oh, I like that. So you've got the contrasts? Yeah. Like white, black, red. Yeah, they're wingtip white tips. So cool. And a white fedora with the brim gone. No, I'm kidding.

Just the brim. Just the middle part of a fedora? Yeah. Not even the… Yeah. And then the really dark ski goggles, like round ones. Holy shit. This is getting cooler and cooler. The more stuff you add to it. The more stuff you add to it. The more stuff you add to it. The more stuff you add to it. The more stuff you add to it. The more stuff you add to it. While you were showing this to Borbo, he's like, okay, cool, the shoes. But wait. Uh-huh.

He reaches in the trunk and pulls out a long elbow length gloves with the fingers cut off. Okay. Oh my God. So fucking cool. Really? Yeah. Every one of these extra things just like elevated. A fake nose ring. What? A real necklace. Oh my God. Is that necklace real? This is 100% real. What kind of necklace? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. It's an anklet. Oh, so it's a sex. So it's choking you? And it's not a real necklace. Also, how do you know that it's an anklet? Whose ankle was it on? You can tell. Oh. I grabbed it from Smokey. Smokey. What's his name? Sorry. Hotman? Yes. Smokey Hotman. Yeah. Cool. Wow. All right. Three stress checked off there. That's beautiful. Yeah. This is the cool. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen. Thank you. Mindy especially is going to be extremely overwhelmed. Yeah.

Wait till she sees the outfit I'm making her. New project clock. Oh, man. So if you want to make that a project clock, you can get a tick on it right now. Okay, cool. We'll call it four. Oh, my God. I'm so curious what Mindy's outfit would be. That was my second downtown activities adding in. Borbo's standing in front of you wearing this outfit in his half crop top with the mesh on it and the short shorts and, uh, his own like fingerless bike gloves and he's like, I don't know.

It's a little much. Amazing. All right. What's still wearing the bralette that says security? That's underneath his crop top now. So you can always kind of see it. Yeah. Hello. Hi, fair mall. Fitted Beasley here. I have taken over your airwaves for I have ads to play and you must listen or else. Aroma. Aroma. Flavors. Flavors. Style. Style. Plates. Plates. Oofs. Oofs. Oofs. Tired of the same old breakfast, breakfast. Come on down. Come. To Oofs. Oofs. Oofs. Designer breakfast for designer women.

See you there in the Estherland food court. Oofs. In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war. And podcasts. I'm Rob. Kevin. Dennis. And Richard. And we're the Preferred Enemies, a show about the Warhammer 40,000 war game. Whether you're a seasoned tabletop veteran or someone who's never moved a mini around a table, we invite you to join us as we talk about the lore, the game, the hobby, and our experiences with Warhammer 40K.

That's Preferred Enemies on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Attention, shoppers, would the owner of a dusky red stallion please return to the parking garage? Your horse is kicking in several windows. All right. Now I have to run away because I took over the PA system. Thanks for listening, everybody. You just made me a very wealthy little boy. All right. What's Clover doing for her downtime? So that wooden hot dog or wooden corn dog, whatever. Oh, yeah.

She had made that into a necklace with like other beads and the beads have like flowers and then she spelled out like with the little letters like bad bitch. Whoa. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. This broke Sean. That's the last thing I expected it to say. Should I change it to hot girl? No, that's great.

Hot girl's really funny too though. Hot meat girl. I like bad bitch. I like bad bitch. Yeah. Anyway, so she's made this like necklace out of the mystery gift and she's going to go to the hot dog cart. She's also dressed up real cute. Like what? Okay. So she still has some of those clothes from like the montage. Where I like looked super hot. Oh, yeah. The rich girls when they dressed me up. Oh, yeah. I had an outfit that I tried on with like lightning bolts.

So I put on the lightning bolt leggings and they're like kind of metallic. And I put on like this like what I thought was like hot girl shirt, which is just like a V-neck shirt. But I think I'm like, I probably have cleavage. I have no boobs. And then I borrow one of Franklin's leather jackets. Did you add the paint to your face again? That was the lightning bolt? I did. Yeah. And I'm just like, guys, how do I look? You look like a bad bitch. Thanks. Just like my necklace. Yeah.

You look like this song Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm. I would love to be a smooth criminal. One day I'll get there. Yeah. I'd like to be an alien ant farm. So you're going to go to the corn dog cart to see Miki? Yeah. Yeah. I walk there and my hair's like blowing in like the air conditioner wind. Miki's not there. Who is it? Seamus. This is my ultimate dream. And so I'm like hyping myself up at Doris's. At shitty food? Yeah, shitty food.

So I'm like, I'm peeking at the hot dog cart and I'm like asking Doris for advice. Like, so Doris, I need some womanly advice. Clover, I would be more than glad to give you some womanly advice. Yeah. So what would you do if you thought a boy was super hot and he really wanted to go on like, like a date or something with him? And at first you were like, I don't think he likes me, but then something happens where you think he likes you. Like maybe he leaves you a secret gift.

And I don't want to ask him because I don't want it to be obvious, but like, I just want to know. I just want to know, Doris. Like, how do I, how do I know if Seamus likes me? This is a problem I've had many times in my life. I was a bit of a slut in my youth. In my country where I am from, a woman shows affection for a man by feats of strength. You go to his house and you find his strongest farm animal and you overpower it. Really? Okay. Jesus fucking Christ.

And by taking this animal to the ground in mortal combat, you show him that you are- Mortal combat? To kill a cow. No, no, no, no, no. I do not mean fatally. I mean two mortal creatures in combat. We would never waste livestock in such a way. You show him or her or they that you are strong enough to protect your family going forward. Okay. So this is what I would suggest you do. Okay. So fight his livestock. Yes.

And then if I beat the livestock, maybe he'll be like, wow, Clover, you're the one for me. Okay, Doris, how do I look? You look baffling, my child. Thank you. She doesn't know what that means. Oh, she puffs her hair. Thank you. Yeah. Would you like some shitty food to go? Yeah. Can you just put it in my pocket? She just ladles something into your pocket. Okay. Doris. Okay. I'll see you later. Wish me luck. Good luck, Clover. Thanks. So I like waddle. You said waddle. Go ahead. You said waddle.

You can't take it back. I'm waddling like as hot as I can. Hey, Seamus. As you say that, you see Seamus turns around and you see an absolute deluge of emotion. It's just like, wow, it's Clover. Is she waddling? Wow, she looks cool. Does she? She smells like shitty food. Yeah. What's that smell? Is it her? It smells good, but not if it's a person. Is that the necklace I gave her? That's nice. Does that say bad bitch? Does bad mean good? And he turns around and he's got one of those.

He's got like a corn dog, wet corn dogs that haven't been fried yet. Yeah. In between each of his like finger holes, like Wolverine claws. Wow. There's like stars behind him. Yeah. Yeah. It's that pink wash as he turns around really slow motion. And that's when you see each and every emotion that crosses his face. Okay. One after the other. A rainbow. Wow. And you see him go, Oh, hello, Clover. In slow motion. Why are you talking so slow? What do you mean? Oh. Um.

Clover perceived and reacted to the non-diegetic slow motion. And I'm so like thrown off. So I'm like, sorry, can I just get like my usual like couple corn dogs? I suppose. And he turns around and he's keeping eye contact with you. And he dips both of his fistfuls of corn dogs in the oil. Being very careful not to put his hands in. So, uh, like you like my new look? Uh, yeah, I guess it's pretty cool.

You look like, um, you look like the feeling of not knowing if a light socket's on when you put the new bulb in. So like, like exciting? I suppose that's the word. Oh my God. Okay. That's a, that's some necklace that you've got. Yeah. Does it look familiar in any way? Uh, yeah. Maybe in the fact that it looks like one of these. Well. And he holds up the corn dogs. I know what a corn dog is, Clover. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant like.

I think someone likes me because someone gave it to me in secret on Charles Eve. And it's, it's nice. Uh, yeah. I guess you could call it nice. It's just, I don't know who, if somebody were to like you, why wouldn't they just come out and say it? Like, uh, Charles Eve is the, on Charles Eve we tell the truth. It's true. That's a thing we all know. My dad met my mom by coming to her house on Charles Eve with a bunch of cards that said, don't tell your husband I'm here.

I love you so much and I'm sorry that I kissed you. Even though my best friend is married to you, don't tell him bye bye. Oh, wow. That sounds really romantic. It was. And then afterwards I was like, this might be weird. That's a weird thing to do to your friend. So I wonder why that person like wouldn't tell me they liked me, but I mean, there's still time if they wanted to. And I like bat my eyes at him. Really?

Is there a time that if somebody were to want to say something, it wouldn't have been too late? No, it's never too late for true love. Wow. And for a moment you cut away to Franklin and Fenton who are three levels up on the mezzanine watching with binoculars. It's those binoculars you have to put a spear buck in to use. Franklin has giant headphones and like a huge cone sound phone and he's trying to like, I'm trying, I can't. I can only hear you. I can only hear the friar.

Fenton's trying to read their lips and he's like, okay, I think I got what they're saying. Clover just went. And then Seamus went. But with an Irish accent. Yeah, he did Irish and then he said, KarnDak. Oh, well, okay. I guess it's not too late. I'll be sure to tell whatever stupid ass would like someone like you. I'd be sure to tell them. That it's not too late to share their true feelings. If they have feelings like a like a stupid. Say it. I had nothing else. Okay.

That was the end of the sentence. I am so sweaty. I'm sweaty as well. But because I'm just say that neither did I. So cute. I want you guys and and come back to us for a second and I'm like, holy shit. They both just got crazy sweaty. I could see it from here. I can hear their chemistry. Anyways, here are your corn dogs. Clover. Thank you Seamus. And our our our cash systems down. So why don't you just take these ones and then you can pay me double next time. No problem. Okay.

Tell your friend to like, let me know. Their feelings. All right. Okay. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Love you. What? I said get the hell out of here. Clover. Okay. Bye. Bye. And then come back to us for a second. I'm like, okay, she's walking away. Do the thing. Play the song over the PA. Okay. Click. What the fuck? And Clover is so upset. She's like, not that one. Not the song. We're too far away to hear it. It's already been triggered. Clover's just waving her arms. I think she's into it.

She said, turn it up. It looks like she's going back in for a kiss. Oh, I'll turn it back up again. Fade out as Clover runs away. I assume from the boot. Clover is like, I'm just so stoked. I run over to Doris. How did it go? I think really good. He said, love ya. I think I have a boyfriend. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing, Clover. I'm very happy for you. Thank you. I just, I hope that the stroganoff helps. Oh yeah. It's great.

Cause I forgot to ask him for like some mustard. So I'm just gonna dip the corn dogs in. Wet stroganoff in a pocket. Beautiful. Cute. And that's three stress taken off. That's fucking great. And you get one more downtime activity. Um, fuck. What do I do with my other downtime? Yeah. What are the options again? You can do a clock or. I have a project. I have a project. I have a project. I have a project. I have a project. I have a project. I have a project. I have a project. I have a project.

I have a project. I have a project. Clear one harm. Tick a long-term project clock, which can be a new thing that you want to do. Get a new asset, which is like a temporary. Thing for this job. Object like a golf cart or a potato gun, you know, whatever. Or gather information. I'll gather information. On what? Shameless. Nice likes and dislikes. Okay. Oh no. No, that's great. Clover's obsessed. It's fucking great. Yeah. I'm losing my mind.

What kind of information do you want and how are you gathering it? Do you like me? Yes or no? On a piece of paper. Yeah. So Clover is really excited and she runs back to the sugar shack. She's like, Borbo, Borblow. What's up? He's doing chin ups in a doorway. I need you to do me a favor. What do you need? I think I might have a boyfriend, but I don't know yet. So I have to like ask, but I don't want to ask, you know, because it's embarrassing. Uh-huh. Can you take a note to Seamus for me?

Seamus? Yeah. Seamus is your maybe boyfriend? Yeah. That guy's a dweeb. No, he's not. He made me this hot dog for Charles Eve, remember? Yeah. Okay. No. I, yeah. I see that. I just, I don't like the hot meat boys. They're a bunch of little pricks and I just don't want. Okay. Whatever. I'm not your dad. I'm not your dad. So what do you need me to do? Okay. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter.

I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter. I give you the letter.

No and then send it back with Borbo wait so I have to like take it to him yeah and then wait for him to check it and then bring it back yes okay all right I'll do it for you okay thanks okay thanks here's a do you want a corn dog for it no okay I can't have carbs anymore okay well I can have carbs so I'll just eat it I'll just eat it all right all right I'll see you later okay bye and he folds up the letter and he takes it and then he just goes into a dead sprint and is running down the hallway I'll just wait here I'll be here and you see him get to a junction and just go into a hard slide and a right angle he's just going as fast as he can fucking love Borbo uh okay so are we I guess we're waiting for this letter to come back yeah do we see the interaction and stuff oh that'd be fun yeah well I mean neither of them are point of view characters I know but we're still at the mall so but what you're asking me is to do a scene with two NPCs on my own I know we love you Sean Sean you're very entertaining to us uh okay well they're not gonna necessarily okay we cut back to the corn dog cart and Seamus is looking at the letter and he's got it on the counter and he's leaned over with like a quill looking at it and Borbo is looming over him with his hand up on one wall just watching him yeah panting because he's sprinted here yeah and Seamus keeps looking up at him and Borbo's looking him right in the eyes don't hurt my little girl and now Clover's with us up on the mezzanine with binoculars and the big cone thing that doesn't do shit doesn't do anything what do you think they're saying this is what I'm picking up I wonder what it means some secret language that like guys talk yeah older guys maybe we'd know if it is we don't know and uh you see after a few minutes pass of watching this like longer than you would expect it to take Seamus to write this letter well here's the thing that I picked up on while uh Clover was writing that letter is it was if you like me let me know yes or no if you like me yes or no there's so much weird redundancy in it he's trying to decipher what it actually means it's a real chunky monkey now moment you chunky monkey now uh and you see Seamus write something and then Borbo snatches it off the table and then goes into a dead sprint and runs out of the yesterland amusement park I throw the binoculars down and I sprint after him yeah and we run after her but as we're running I trip on the PA system again and for a second you hear fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit sorry uh and there's no way you guys catch Borbo he's so fast but you do make it back to the sugar shack and he's there panting sweating so where are we oh my god did you get it yeah I got it can I see oh my god what's it say what's it say what's it say what's it say yeah here you go the y is checked oh Clover faints no he just passes out and then Fenton was so far behind everyone this is when he comes in just to see Clover Faye he's like oh no is it bad Franklin catches her and now we know wow fuck Seamus likes Clover oh my god uh so you know few days pass whatever weeks doesn't really matter um and you come back to the sugar shack one day after uh digging through the garbage for the afternoon oh boy I love garbage afternoons yeah you guys come back in with a big bag of garbage I'm more of a garbage morning kind of guy man we found so much good stuff what are what are three things that you found I found three left shoes nice not bad Franklin found a bag of old corn dog sticks you know with the little chunky bit of the batter at the bottom of the corn dog that's still left over his favorite part fucking sick crunch crunch crunch I found a um a wheelbarrow whoa and it was full of slinkies those are gonna come in handy oh shit this is so much stuff I didn't know we could say we found useful stuff that's another thing where that was the last thing I expected a wheelbarrow full of slinkies so now you just have a wheelbarrow and a shit ton of slinkies heck yeah and you come back into the back room of the sugar shack and Corb Green is there Corb oh how's it going children I have discovered the identity of your patron phantom drops off your shoes now please while I am quite certain it is still a suspicion but I would like you to look at this board we look at the board and he's got like it was pretty good when Fenton was doing it like surprisingly uh but now it's like professional oh yeah he's got like a beauty and the beast style rolling ladder that he climbs up and down and slides around to connect all the pieces sick and you see a bunch of uh pictures with question marks and the names of the food court members at the top connecting to smaller gangs you see the vineyard the barbecue kings the wild nogs all those assholes and a myriad names that we haven't encountered yet yeah and uh he has question mark patron and then you three little drawings of the three uh cool tree kids and then a little offshoot with a picture of Borbo whoa Corb you drew these pictures of us I did yes I have many artistic talents I write detective fiction I draw portraits I also macrame but that is beside the point the borders of some of the photos are macrame now it took me quite a while as you might expect to dig through quite so many reaches of the mall and it's underworld but I have discovered the identity of your patron oh didn't he already say that oh I was I was inhaling more just to like breathe it felt like I should I was still out of breath I copied Fenton this is so funny this is really funny I'm simply building up to a significant enough dramatic moment sorry do it again do it again we'll inhale sorry do it again okay and he turns around here we go and he puts his hand up on the wall Corb is that you it is I children and he spins around and he's got sunglasses on oh wow you didn't even see my hands move did you no no you look mysterious children I have discovered the identity of your patron and the identity of your patron is and before he can finish you hear footsteps behind you hello children children I'm glad you finally figured it out Doris?

Doris? Doris We have much work to do children And that's where we're gonna end it for this week I'm your game master Sean O'Hara What? Joining me as always playing Franklin Stein the Cutter Paul Oppers Take care guys Playing Fenton Beasley the Slide Abdulaziz Wait so is she like Orange Julius or the Dairy Queen or what? What?

And playing Clover Ivy Fern Jessica Tai Bye This game would not be popular In most circles But thanks to you our beautiful Patreons and supporters We know that at least you like it And if you like it Please you know maybe tell your friends Give us a review on iTunes It might seem like an artifact of a bygone era But reviews on iTunes are surprisingly necessary And thank you to listener Quinn For the incredible Intro nutro music Yet again just an absolute Rollick and good time Thank you to Jansen for Smokey Yes thank you to Jansen for Smokey Thank you to Paul No not that one On our Discord for Dick Hotman Thank you to Claire For the name Hot Bob The main character of Fenton's latest vampire fan fiction She's gonna love that And if you want to Contribute some names and places To this episode of the show Absolutely fucking confusing world That we've created Join our Patreon And if you think that If you have a great idea for a name or a place In the High Spear Mall Join at the Very Fine Chef level And you can submit those names to us And maybe we'll use them in the show Thanks so much for listening everybody See you next time And so ends the tale Of the Cruel Treat Kids Always Always Always Always Always Always Always Always Always Always Always up to no good So tiny and greedy And angsty they be As they navigate crime and puberty And though our journey may be long By a conclusion We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to the chocolate store As the Cruel Treat Kids plan their next score And for you I'll gladly spout more To give you the đâu To give you the đâu To give you the đâu really need you need you don't fucking leave Borbo Borbo's better than pay you in real money or chocolate it's up to you oh man there's more to this song but I'm gonna cut it off Borbo Borbo you're better than Crossbow Crossborbo Crossborbo that was fun that was awesome I love the sing-alongs yeah me too

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a coin of addiction Benton's the sly, she sleeps in a safe And writes vampire fanfiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's what they were before So gather round, friends And listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spout More Mall Brats I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara And joining me as always playing Franklin Stein The Master of the World And the Cutter Paul Oppers Hello there Playing Fenton Beasley The Sly Abdulaziz Hi, can you get me out of this fucking safe?

And playing Clover Ivy Fern The Whisperer Jessica Tai Hi, I lost the key Ah, fuck What's the combination? What's a combination?

Oh shit He's gonna die in there I'll take a combination B Borbo walks up and he's like Okay, to the right 69 3 to the left 420 3 to the left 3 to the right 69 And he pops it open Oh my god, holy shit You're gonna die in there, man You gotta get like a bed Okay Anyways, when last we left our heroes The Cool Treat Kids We did a little bit of downtime There was some thrills Some chills, some spills And Clover Ivy Fern Discovered that not only do corndogs still do the trick When she's having a stressful day But that hot meat boy muscle Seamus Seamus And Might like her back I mean, he checked yes on the note So like He did It's a sure thing Pretty clear confirmation Beautiful We also discovered That Fenton is still writing vampire fanfiction And knows maybe even less About vampires and love Than we first thought Yeah, he thought that vampires were subterranean Yeah, right And he was not aware there were vampires in the mall And now he's fucking terrified And In the roof Yeah, he's like Yeah Yeah, in the ceiling In a fucking ceiling What are we doing?

Not What are we doing? Seriously, what are we doing? And Franklin What was Franklin's downtime? I think I sewed a new outfit Right, he started sewing a new outfit And the last thing that we all learned Is that The Cool Treat Kids With the help of half-lean detective Corb Green Have discovered The identity Of their mysterious patron And that patron Is Doris Of shitty food So Doris is standing in the doorway Smiling at you I'm smiling back awkwardly like Are we enemies now, Doris?

I trusted you Yeah, you've been manipulating us Are you bad? You understand that I have been your patron? Yes, now we do So why would we be enemies now? Because we thought our patron was like Pulling strings, getting us to do bad shit Like, for their own gain Like a mob bust And mob busts are bad shit Mob busts are bad What have you done for me That has been that bad?

Well, we had We spilled a bunch of chocolates Uh, chocolate fudge At the fudgies To get their money And And then we fleeced a bunch of people Into giving us more money We were drug dealers for a little while there Unless I am mistaken The fudgies job was your own volition Oh yeah, that was our idea actually Oh my god, are we bad? Wait, are we the bad ones?

Unless I am mistaken Again The only things that I have asked you to do Are Get smarty root Get smarty root Which was up for my own gain Yes, in a sense And then I told you when another child gang Was encroaching on your territory Yeah, I guess those are pretty innocuous things That you did I think all the bad things are kind of our fault What about when I had diarrhea in the wave pool Was that you or was that us?

That was 100% you Fine I think we might be shitting kids Corb Corb Green Halfling detective Jingle jangles forward From the crime board towards Doris And he goes Well, Doris I for one would like to know Why I shouldn't arrest you right now For racketeering Organized crime And other such activities He's got a sheaf of wheat No, he's just holding two fingers in front of him Oh, okay It's like, you know, he thinks he forgot That he doesn't have one in his hand But he's acting like he does And Doris clasps her hands in front of her Says, if you have a way of proving That I have done anything illegal I will gladly submit myself For justice Right, you need proof for things Damn, she's good And Corb tries to take a drag off the sheaf of wheat That he forgot isn't in his fingers And goes, oh, well, there's nothing there He puts his hand down He thought he was smoking Yeah You have bested me This time, Doris I will be keeping an eye on you Now, if you'll excuse me And he jingle jangles over to One of your vents And rips the front off And climbs inside And scurries up the vent Be careful, Corb Be careful, there's a hobnoblin up there I fear no hobnoblin Him and I have come to an understanding And it's gone So Doris turns to all of you So, children Would you like to continue our partnership?

I guess so I mean, yeah, I guess Uh, like, what happens if we said no? Then you are free to go Why didn't you just come ask us to do the jobs yourself? Why all the subterfuge? The mall is a dangerous place, child The food court rules with an iron fist A greasy iron fist And I think that there has been enough time In which they have ruled And there are changes that need to be made For the betterment of everyone Are you trying to make those changes happen? I am What are those changes, Doris?

I believe that the food court Needs to be disbanded Those are big changes Where would we eat If there's no food court, Doris?

I mean the Allegorical food court So you mean more like food trucks Like just spods all over the place No, no, the food court would remain The food court's in the malls I speak of The organized crime Leaders in the High Spirit Mall Oh, the Royal Food Court Yes Royal, okay Yeah, the Wine Moms And the Orange Julius Yes And The Barbecue Kings And Arby I was gonna say Harvey Yeah, Harvey And Harvey Harvey Arby They suck the blood from everyone in this mall And line their own pockets with that blood Vampire Oh my god, are they fucking vampires?

Holy shit Fenton jumps back up to the wall Holy shit He's back in the safe And shouts, it locks Open it, I want it too I don't wanna get my blood sucked I can't, it's locked No, no, Barbo What's the combination?

No one can ever remember 69 for 2069 Cause they're not teens Yeah, she's just like Okay, if you wanna If you want to continue our partnership Then I will continue to contact you from time to time I mean, I guess so Cause you're like the closest thing I have to a mom That might be a stretch, but okay No, I think we've all Yeah Internally, I'm back out of the safe We had a meeting, we all agreed You're like our mom and Corb is like our dad And you guys are gonna get Married Fucking married Fenton had like a penis in vagina motion That he almost did And then he realized he was talking to his mom And he was like, married And then he switched it to his ring finger You guys are gonna get married Instead of putting his index finger on his finger He finished Married Incredible I am choosing to ignore that piece of information right now Wise play hard get So, um, what do we do next then?

Hmm An interesting question Yeah, you're our patron Tell us what to do Okay And to be totally honest, we're not crazy about the fact that all of the kid gangs are fucking poor as shit So, if you can help Change the world Change the world Change the world That would be great And she spreads her hands wide You have struck upon the exact goal of my operation Everyone in this mall Should not be living under the heel of the food court Everyone should have What they need Yeah That's why you give away food Exactly Shitty food is but a taste of what I wish for the entire mall Shitty taste I would like for all of us to experience a shitty mall I wanna experience a shitty mall I wanna have shitty underwear I wanna have shitty underwear Shitty water fountain And I wanna go to the shitty water park Yeah, and I wanna put on my shitty pants one leg at a time And go out into the streets And feel like people don't think that I'm weird and sticky And that they stop saying that I'm a loose cannon that flies off the handle at the barest provocation I wanna live a shitty life and maybe someday get a shitty job Just like you Then we all on the street We all on the street On the same shitty page Yeah Yes Yeah Viva la revolution Viva la shit Woo Fuck the food court I like that this has become viva la revolution It's awesome Um, okay Then there are three things that I need done And you children are more than welcome to help me with one of them Okay First, I require someone to visit the vampires of the sanguine court Next Okay And the second Benton has put his boxing gloves and Toblerone Jones fedora hat on and Wayfarer glasses She said vampires There is a go-kart race sponsored by one of my rivals that I would like fixed Ooh And there is a concert coming to the mall in a few days Catered by one of my rivals And I would like you to ruin that catering That definitely sounds up our alley Okay I like the last two Yeah I don't want to meet the vampires Mm-mm I also don't want to see any go-karts Because I personally as Abdul don't believe that they exist in this world Yeah You don't Sorry Did I say go-kart?

I meant goat-kart Oh, the goat Goat-kart Oh, the goat-kart Yeah I think the last one fucking shit up That's our That's what we do best, guys Yeah That's our bread and butter Ruining things If I am being honest I, Sean O'Hara Absolutely expected Absolutely expected You to take the last one We need a name for a band The Lone Tree Mittens Trolls The Lone Tree Hill Let's do a new one, perhaps No Okay I think Do we think it's a Like a show?

Because I was thinking like a band band Oh Like a dance No Oh, there's a dance Cool, yeah Oh my god Like a middle school dance? Like a middle school dance, basically Oh my god, yes What if it's alchemical romance?

My alchemical romance, yes Oh my god My alchemical romance is coming to the fucking mall I, okay Alright, calm down Take a breath I did not know that you would like this band that much He's gripping her The bottom hem of her skirt And he's like I need to get into this concert I'll give you any amount of money or whatever I wanna go so bad Please, Doris Let us go Let us go to the concert I wanna go to the dance I asked you to go to the concert I am not stopping you We need backstage passes We need VIPs We gotta get autographs We gotta meet everybody who's in that band All 12 of them And Fenton like walks up to her like Spearbucks clutched in his hand And he's crying He's like I had saved these for the rat man But I will give them to you Stop giving money to the goddamn rat man They're free I am very much able to get you into the show Okay But you are going incognito So backstage passes are off the table We'll see about that It would draw too much attention to the three of you If all of a sudden Three grubby little children had backstage passes What do you mean little?

What do you mean grubby? What do you mean? Children Franklin just says what do you mean? So if you are amenable to this plan I will leave And the passes will arrive And in four days time The concert will take place Very good? Yeah that sounds very good Thank you So you want us to ruin the catering right? At the concert? Yes Okay Well the catering will definitely be backstage So we're gonna need those passes from you Who's catering it?

My channels have Okay fuck I need a name for a gang that does catering They're associated with Orange Julius According to Doris Little Caesars Little Caesar The Little Caesars?

Yeah the Little Little Caesar Little Caesars Little Caesars boys Yeah a guy named Little Caesars Little Caesars boys There's so many fucking breadsticks And they taste like shit The show is being catered both for the audience And backstage by Little Caesar And his boys No one likes them No one likes them They dress in togas They always have pizza with them That they're trying to get you to buy That's like 12 hours old So gross But the thing is Is that it's always hot And ready to go So it's hard to resist And it is very cheap It's extremely cheap So very well?

Yeah it sounds good to me Very well children Thank you for Agreeing to help me Good job discovering my identity And together we can work towards a shitty future Yay! Yay! Yay! We will work on the enthusiasm Sorry We're just not great with cues We didn't know if you had more to say Shitty future Yay!

I'm going to go now Okay sorry Goodbye We won't tell anybody And she comes back into the room And says See that you don't And scurries away I was waiting for her to say more words Me too I thought she was It's just the accent from wherever she's from It always sounds like it's just like halfway through a statement Yeah so that's the plan Is go to the market place And go to the market place And go to the market place And go to the market place And go to the alchemical romance show And ruin the catering On behalf of Doris It's really exciting Four days?

Yep four days to prepare How do you want to prepare? Outfits What are we going as? Stagehands or whatever?

You're going however you want to go She said that she can get you into the show So we have tickets to the door Tickets into the show proper And then it's up to you in there It's probably pretty obvious But she can have the lightest of hands In this situation If she's going to achieve what she wants to achieve Right I want to go as a guest Like a normal concert goer Is how I want to go as Yeah I wonder if she can get us Maybe we go to her the next day Oh my god Because Fenton's like Hey uh I know you want us to keep stuff secret But we need like We I think I would like an extra ticket So I can ask someone to come with me As cover And then we can go to the show You're going to have to roll something Okay Consort Okay So roll your consort Four Four Okay She looks kind of angry Oh no That you came to her booth And started whispering about her fucking secret operations No I just said I need an extra So she very loudly is like Of course Of course Child here is a bowl of shitty food for you Now go Okay I need an extra Now go Helping Understood Now go Okay I think we all need extra helpings She She gives you the bowl and she turns away Okay bye Thanks for the Fuck This Pulled pork This sucks Uh and then uh The next day when your tickets arrive There are Two extras What?

Only two? What? He only got a four Alright She knows I have a boyfriend I have to take him I think it's obvious I have a crush on someone I wonder who should get the tickets Should we all rock paper scissors? Yeah or Yeah Let's rock paper scissors for it Three way Three way rock paper scissors How the fuck does this work?

Okay Well it'll probably be obvious Here we go Rock Paper Scissors Okay Wait hold on I said there was a lot of changing Halfway through This is Four of us What was like no no no no no Okay Like basically all three of you did one thing Saw what the others did And then changed your choice Wait how do you play rock paper scissors?

Okay one more time On kids Okay here we go Stop stop Okay Wow Here's what we're gonna do Cool treat kids shoot Okay Okay we'll do it Do you say shoot or you shoot on shoot?

I'm gonna say shoot And then that's when you're gonna put down your choice Okay Here we go Cool treat kids shoot Okay so I guess You Fenton had scissors Fenton gets a ticket for sure Yeah Fenton gets a ticket cause he had scissors Which beats both of your paper You both chose paper That's bad luck Oh no And now you're gonna Compete for the last one Okay Okay Clover just so you know I hope you get it I hope you get it That's bad competitive spirit Neither of you is gonna get what you want And that's good parenting Okay Cool treat kids shoot Oh That's fine I mean If Seamus loves me he'll wait for me For another dance to go to Oh Wow I'm fine I'm just gonna go to my room cause I forgot to make the bed This is Pretty rough boys I'm gonna go No wait Borba we need your help I can't do this No no no This is not what I signed up for You can't leave We're not emotionally mature enough to handle this situation I signed up to maybe throw a little kiss to you guys I'm gonna go get a guy in a bag when he comes out of the vents and maybe yell at a kid But I am not equipped to deal with this stuff Borba please Take your rollerblades off please I only have the one I need them both Okay I can't believe I'm even offering to do this What if I go and I find somebody that has a ticket And I beat them up And I take it Above over 18 That's the rule I'll find somebody over 18 That has a ticket I'll beat them up And then I'll give it to Clover Holy shit do we have to roll for this Yes absolutely Somebody roll Okay here you do it Somebody has consort I'll have command Command You better fucking get us another ticket It works for us So I get two and you pick the highest Yep Six Six Whoa two sixes Holy shit You rolled those two dice earlier and you were like I can't keep rolling the sixes out of these things Boom they're loaded He's like alright Wait so what do you How do you command Borba to go do this I say You know what Get those wires out of here Wild nogs Oh yeah Those little arrogant little fucks I hate those little assholes I just gotta find one that's over 18 Those are the rules Oh yeah or one of their dads One of their dads yeah I could beat up a dad Beat up some dads last time I could beat up another dad I got a real taste for it now Anyways okay I'll be back Thank you And he skates out on one rollerblade Cut to Clover's room Where she doesn't know that Borba's gonna go get her a ticket Clover's listening to The quiet My alchemical romance song As she's scrapbooking She's writing her own love letters from Seamus And then taping them into the scrapbook Oh my god She's writing letters as Seamus to her Yes And it's saying like Don't worry babe I'm sure we would've had a great time at the dance But one day you and I will have a dance Just for ourselves And we'll dance under the moonlight And under the stars And then And then We will go To The movies Where we will also dance under the movies And then I will tell you I love you Because you are my dream woman You are my ultimate goddess All my love Forever Your husband Seamus Seamus And I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I mean, it should be something kind of goth, right?

Totally. Like, look at all these crayons that I got from the kids table at Poofs. He used that as eyeliner. They're all black. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah, so we'll do a pretty woman. Mr. Sandman walking down the street. Mr. Sandman. Okay, quick descriptions of everybody's My Alchemical Romance outfit. Wait, do we have to roll to actually collect the clothes that we need? Well, now you've asked, so yeah, you do. Okay. Opening yourselves up to potential further failure. Alright. What are you rolling?

Fenton wants to sneak into maybe like a Hot Topic. Can I sneak into a Hot Topic type store? Yeah. What's Hot Topic? Like H&M? It's like an emo goth store with lots of goth. Like Randy River for goth? Kinda. Clothes or like knickknacks? Yeah, it's clothes. Clothes, some knickknacks. Lots of like, you know, studded jewelry and like gothy jewelry. There's like a lot of like shirts that say like, fuck you, dad. Kinda things on them. That vibe. Yeah. And lots of like black and white checkered stuff.

Oh yeah, totally. Yeah, during like when like Ska and Emo were cool at the same time. A lot of reds as an accent color. Yeah, totally. Okay, so this place is called Skinny Jeans, but G-E-A and apostrophe S. Oh, cool. And it's run by a guy named Skinny Jeans. He's really fat. I was a lot skinnier when I opened the store. I guess it's pretty hard to stay skinny when you're across from Chunk Duncan's Chunky Donut.

Yeah, Chunk and me, we've been pretty good friends since we opened our businesses around the same time. But you know, kids, I'm gonna tell you this. You're a little young, maybe you don't get it. Being skinny? Overrated. Totes. Live your life, donuts rule, you know? Uh, yeah, what can I do for you kids? We, uh, are, uh… Big fans of yours. And of my alchemical romance. Oh, yeah. Those guys have been rocking ever since I was around your age. Really? Yeah, they're a lot older than you think.

All their songs are about their dads, though. I am well aware. Okay. So, what do you need? You're trying to dress up, so you're looking for, like, something tight, skinny, black eyeliner, the hair? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I need skinny jeans, some kind of belt that sits under my butt, underwear that, I don't know, covers the rest of the butt, and then some kind of top. All right. Everything else is so specific. I can do, let's get you kids outfitted, and then we do the pretty woman.

So, how does, uh, let's roll your dice to see how good this turns out. Okay. Yeah, each of you, yeah. So, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you gotta choose the skill that you're using. Oh, uh. Or the, yeah, the action. Oh, I'm gonna use, uh, Savage and, uh, Skirmish. Wait, no, hold on. What are you talking about? Why? Because I'm gonna go fucking ape shit on these and use my sewing skills to, like, rip them up and make a whole special outfit out of, like, all the sale items. What does Savage do?

Because I don't think that it does. That's my prowess is sewing. I'll accept that. Yeah, you can use Skirmish. Hell yeah. Buy clothes. Fucking go nuts on the, these sale racks, Franklin. Yeah, I'm gonna make them look good. Wow. Two sixes again. Two sixes. Are those loaded? How the fucking shit did you do that? Are these loaded? Give me these. Three times in a row. Give me these. Five and a three. Five and a three. Alright, it's just my bad luck. Uh, okay, yeah.

So, with a six, you get exactly what you want, although because you use Skirmish, it's gonna be fucking torn to shit. That's the idea. Yeah. Badass. So, how does it look? Um, it's just, basically, the back is a bit of skinny jean and the fronts are just tatters. Oh. Oh my god. Yeah, it's really cool looking. Wow, you look like you don't give a shit at all. Thank you. Uh, and, um, uh, really, um, long sleeve. Sleeves go way past, which might come, uh, might be a problem later, I understand.

We're being a sneaky fighter. A big, deep V-neck on a mesh long sleeve shirt and his hair's all backcombed going forward. Over, um, his eye. The left eye. So cool. As per the rule. Nice. So cool. And a black eyeliner on one and a teardrop on the other side. Ooh, yeah. Wow. Franklin, you look like you own the band. Yeah, my thumb's through a hole in the sleeve. Wow. But there's still so much sleeve. Yeah, it's past the… Floating in the sleeve.

It might have just been a hole in the sleeve of the shirt. Who looks pretty goth? This guy. He points his thumbs at himself. Uh, okay, Fenton. So, I'm going to use my… Uh, consort to, uh, talk to one of the salespeople in here and really try and get them to make me look like uh, your standard My Alchemical Romance fan. And I do it by just listing the songs that I know at them. And I go, Helena, I'm not okay. Um… Welcome to the Black Parade. Um… Those are the main ones, right?

Yeah, those are the ones that everybody knows. Those are the only ones that anyone remembers, really. So let those inspire you when you're creating my outfit. Alright, Kendo. Here we go. Five. Uh, okay, so five means that it's going to be alright, but not exactly what you want. There's one glaring mistake. He's wearing, uh… He's got a cape with a really high collar on it. A black satin cape with a super high collar. Like the collar goes past his head? By a lot. Like, a lot. A lot.

He's bumping into stuff. It's pulled him down a couple of times. And also the train on the cape is really long. It might be an adult person's cape. It certainly looks like it. It looks like I'm doing magic slash am a Dracula. Dracula. The way you said Dracula. Hi, my name is Fenton Beasley. I am a Dracula. Can I please come into the show? If you don't, I want to suck your blood. Uh, great. So, yeah. But everything else is correct.

Like, the skinny jeans, they're so skinny and his thighs are rubbing. Yeah. He's got a studded belt below his butt. His butt is hanging right on out of there because he's got a big butt. And he's got a long sleeve white shirt with horizontal stripes. White and black, white and black. And on top of it, he's got kind of like a greaser shirt on. And there's a name tag. It says Chunk Duncan's for life. And then he's tucked that… Into the skinny jeans and his gut is hanging out pretty far.

He looks amazing. Yeah, that's pretty spot on for the Myochemical Romance fans. But then, yeah, Fenton just got enamored with this cape. And the salesperson was trying to be like, I don't know. Like, skinny jean is like, I don't know if you have like a specific vibe you're going for. This might throw it off, little dude. And he's not even listening. He's like looking in the mirror and flipping the cape around. He's trying to use it to grab shit.

He's like, I wonder if this could be a weapon or something. What are you doing? And then he tried to do his eyeliner but it didn't work. So he just put an eye patch on it. Perfect. Clover, how did Clover… Oh, Clover, what are you rolling? Can I roll with uh… What's prowess again? Prowess is like physical strength. And agility. Okay. Can I… And a tune is… Weirdo. Prowess is like a lot of those stuff. Hippy shit. Oh. Kind of makes sense. Definitely. That's it. For sure. Yeah.

Absolutely rolling a tune. So you have a tune checked off. So you get one die. Oh, one die? Yeah, just one. Oh, please. Ugh. Clover's so stressed out. I gotta look… No! Fuck! I only got one. Shit. So that's like… Shit, that's bad. Oh, man. You had such an idea. I did. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. And I'm the gothest of all of us. Okay, gents. I don't know why I thought that was the insult that I took it as, but I definitely did. That is why you rolled a one. I didn't mean it that way.

I meant like Clover. Okay. Although Jessica Tai easily was the most emo out of everybody at this table. You don't know me. I've seen pictures. I guess, yeah. Okay, so how does Clover look and why is it a problem? Okay, so Clover's like, I'm gonna go with the back racks, because I bet that's like where all the unique and cool slash free slash cheap stuff is. Skinny Jean hears you say that and says, nothing here is free. Just wanna put that out there right now.

I'm gonna find something that's free. And I thought I pulled like a black evanescence kind of vibe gamut. I don't know if it's like a gown off the rack, but it was actually just Jean's work jumper. And I put it on and I was like, it's really big, but maybe I'm just not styling this right. So I grab a belt, which is just a bunch of tape. I thought it was like, you know, a cool like metal silver belt, but it's just duct tape. I start like cinching my waist with it.

And then- Sorry, can you remind me what you got instead of the gown? A jumpsuit. Like a worker's jumpsuit. Oh, like a janitor's uniform. Yeah. Overalls. Yeah. With duct tape around the waist is where you're at right now? Yeah. Okay, sorry I zoned out for a second, trying to look up what evanescence looks like. Oh yeah. Please continue. No problem. And Clover, because this is- Clover's like, okay, I'm just gonna go with the flow. Like she thinks this is great.

I'm like tuning in to my astrological sign, and I'm like getting all like wiccan here in the back, like for sure. I'm going to like be like this beautiful like dark witch of the woods. I'm gonna have this look, and Seamus is gonna be like wow, she's my goth queen. I love her so much. I bet- I bet she could talk to the afterlife. Clover is like super stupid. You're really asking a lot of this outfit. So I've just wrapped a bunch of duct tape around my waist.

So she's got like a bit of an hourglass figure, but it's still like a gross greasy jumpsuit that's got like a lot of donut residue on it. And we were waiting outside the changing room while she was changing, and there's like a reveal. Like- We could hear that. Yeah. Franklin looks like a fan of my alchemical romance. Fenton looks like a fan of my alchemical romance was bitten by a vampire. And Clover looks like a janitor.

And I come out and I'm like, I thought this was a gown, but now I can't take it off because I've duct taped myself into it. How do I look? Franklin and I are like, oooohhh oooohhh you. Oh my god. What? Do I look good? Are you going for good? Yeah. Then yeah. I mean obviously I gotta look hot for this. Hot. Yeah. Pretty hot. Shit. Shit. You're so hot right now, Clover. It's crazy. You look really warm. You look crazy. I am really warm in this. Yeah.

Do you think it's gonna be like air conditioned? The concert? Yeah. I guess it depends what part of the mall it's in. I can't even have a drink of water because like I can't take this off to pee. You can't drink? I can't drink anything in this. You duct taped yourself into it? Yeah, I can't. It's really hard to breathe because I was really sucking in. It's a four hour concert. It's fine. It's fine. I'll be fine. It's okay. It's fine. You look good. You look like you're… Mm-hmm.

A janitor who loves my alchemical romance. I mean, I def- the second part sounds great. Loves it, yeah. Thank you. Okay. Oh my god. You look so crazy. It's insane. Thank you. Crazy, good at alchemical romance. They have a lot of styles of fans, you know? Anybody could love them. I turn to Skinny June and I'm like, did she put on your janitor's outfit? He's not even paying attention. He's like looking across the hallway and he sees Chunk Duncan's.

Closing up the store and waving at him and he's like, sorry kids, gotta close. Time to go. Oh, okay. Time to go. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thanks. Bye. Bye. See ya. Bye. Dang it, I really wanted a donut. Be right there, Chunk! Wow. He forgot to charge us. Sick. Let's go home. Holy shit, let's run. Nice. Uh, great. And you return to the sugar shack and Borobo's there and he's panting and it looks like part of his uh, his um, tank top has been ripped. And he's like, what's up kids? Borobo!

What do you think of our outfits? Oh, pretty good. Pretty good. Check me out, I'm a fan. Clover, I'm really glad that you got here and you escaped from whatever sort of janitor kidnappers took you. We're like, no, no, no, running our fingers down. Why does everyone keep calling me a janitor? It could be because the back of your outfit says janitor on it. No, Borobo, no, don't. No, it's cool. No, it says janitor, which is like a cool band that I know about. I don't believe you at all.

I think you're lying to me. I would not lie to you, especially considering I have this. What is that? It is an extra ticket to my alchemical romance. For me? Oh my god, thank you. That means I get to ask out Amos. I'm so excited. Good. Because it was quite an ordeal to get this ticket. What did you, who did you find? You know what? Legally, it's probably a good idea for me to not tell you what I had to do. Are you okay? Do you need anything?

I'm not going to be moving very much from this position. Um, and it might be a problem later, but for now, I hope you have fun. And he slides the ticket towards you. So, and thanks. I bring him my notebook full of vampire fanfiction, and I'm like, you can't move, so this will keep you pretty entertained until you're all good. Sick. Thank you so much. And he opens the first bit, like he opens the book and starts reading and goes, ugh. Okay. Can I make some notes? Oh yeah, go nuts. Tight. Alright.

Well, have a good time, kids. I feel like the time in between when you got this job and when the concert just showed up has progressed rapidly, but… What, it's in like two hours? Three hours? Oh, I thought it was like still in a couple of days. Well, I mean, you're all wearing your outfits right now. She's in hers. Clover can't pee. Duct tape to enter. So what do we think? Do we think that it's like today, or do we think that it's in a couple days? We have not even asked out our dates.

I know, that's why I'm saying TikTok. Okay, we gotta go do this. Okay. Alright, well, I'm gonna be here. So, uh, later. Thanks again. Bye, Barbara. Thank you. Hey, happy to help. You're the best. You're the best. Okay, bye. Hey, what's this button do? Do you have kids? Do you need to get away from them sometimes? Well, here at the Babysitter's Club, we've got you covered.

Whether you need kids watched, babysat, or cheeses grilled, the Babysitter's Club has only the best, most qualified babysitters available for all your babysitting needs. And no matter what anybody says about us, we'll never go through your private files. And we would never, ever put your clothes on and do a little fashion show for our friends. Call Kasserine Rupps! Ha ha ha ha! Welcome, Trainers. My name is Luis. And I am Chris. We welcome all Trainers, new and old, to the Purify Podcast.

We rant about Pokémon Go, a game we love just as much as everybody else. We like to talk news, updates, and our own experience of gameplay. If you want real opinions about how we play, and how we love this game, this is the podcast for you. Check us out on your favorite podcast feed. Oh, fuck. Shit. Holy shit, that played a bunch of ads. Whoa, what am I, what? Is my voice coming over the sound system? Am I in the PA right now? Alright, yeah, what's your plan for asking out people to this dance?

It's gonna be hard. We can do it. We can do it. You can do it. I mean, Indie is probably totally in love with you, so I wouldn't worry about it at all. I think so. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, what was the last thing you said to her? Like, what was the last thing you guys did? I burped. Okay, that works. Yeah? I mean, it shows you that you're a man. We were at the roller rink. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Were you guys there together? No. Okay. We were both at a roller rink. Yeah.

How close were you guys when you burped? Oh. Uh, I mean, she skated by and said, Franklin, it's nice to see you. Can't wait until it's swimming season again. And then I went to say hi and I burped. I burped horribly. I was having bergam fruit, um, soda, swamp water, and it was not good. I think I got some spittle on her. She fell over. I knocked her over on her roller skates. Did you help her up? I was so scared. I burped and ran. Um, I saw somebody else pick her up, though.

I made sure that she was okay, but I couldn't do it. That's fucking hilarious. Did you help her up? Of course I thought about doing it. But I left instead. Uh, okay. So Franklin's gonna ask out Mindy? Yeah. Okay. Where does he find her? Um, what do we know about Mindy? Do we know anything about her family? She's a life guard. Yeah. That's it. Her last name's Cart because her dad sells carts? Or her family sells carts or something?

Yeah, you wanted a thing where her dad, uh, ran the goat cart races. Right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how that came in. She's kinda wealthy, I would assume. Yeah, a little bit. Cool. Okay, well, I wanna go down to the cart district. The goat cart track, which is called Barnyard Speedway. Oh, cool. And there's just a bunch of goats towing tiny little carts, one-person carts, and a real cool figure eight. Lot of kids having a great time. There's like a birthday party going on.

And Mindy is there with her friends, sitting at a picnic table. Okay, I brought some flowers. Ooh. Some, um, black roses. Oh, wow. What a wicked move. Damn. How'd you get them to be black? I spray-painted them. Dip them in paint. It is still wet for sure. There's like a half an hour before these roses die. Gotta move fast. Uh, okay. Yeah, Mindy's sitting at the table with her friends. Uh, okay. How far away? Uh, you know, like across the cafeteria distance, you know.

Like, you can see her, and if she turns around, she'll see you. Cool. So I go over to the part where I it's like a fence. Mm-hmm. Leaning on the fence. And then I put the flowers in my hand and just start looking really sad with like my one shoulder turned away from her. Uh-huh. Just kind of like Start sighing really loudly. And you're doing this for like twenty twenty-five minutes. Ahhh! And then smelling the flower.

Pull it- you smell the flower, pull it away from your face, there's a little bit of black paint left on your cheek. And uh, one of Mindy's friends like sees you and points and says something and Mindy turns around and goes, oh! And then comes over to you with her big cup of pop with the straw sticking out of it. Franklin! Oh hi, didn't see you there for hours. Hi! Hi! What are you doing here? Just thinking about really like dark and deep thoughts.

Just sitting over here just being really deep and thinking about sad love and unrequited clouds with full of rain. God. The darkness is so dark, you know? It's just hard to get away from it, even looking at carts. Alright. Let's roll something first and then we'll determine how this goes. To charm the shit out of her with your unrequited sad cloud thing. Yeah, right. I guess sway. Yeah, yeah definitely sway. I don't have anything to sway, so just one? No, it's 2d6 and you take the lowest.

Oh, gotta get that double six again. Two. Fuck. Two. That's a failure, man. Do we get anything? No. No. Can you use command instead? No. I'm gonna do a devil's bargain. Oh yes! So what's your devil's bargain? Is what he says out loud. Um, yeah, what is it? How does that work? Sorry. Devil's bargain, I'm gonna look, we're gonna slowly move to what I think is more towards it being more Blades in the Dark. Yeah. Fully.

So what I'm going to say is that if you suggest something significantly terrible, I'll allow you to upgrade it to a partial success. What do you mean? Like something bad happens to him? This just means that you'll get what you want. Mindy will say yes. But. I'll have to be a goth forever. Oh. She's like, oh my god. She likes the goth thing. As long as I can only date Mindy if I'm a full goth, I've started a lie. Whoa. Yeah. Perfect. Classic. So cool. High school shit. Yeah. So you start.

One time I joined a rugby team for a girl. Is that true? Yeah, 100%. I did rugby for two years. Two years? And she never talked to me. Oh, because you joined the girls rugby team. Now, did you start playing rugby because she liked rugby players or because she played rugby? She played rugby. She was on the girls rugby team. I joined the boys rugby team. There was not a lot of joint practices. Yeah, that's not really how it works. It really did not help me at all. That's rough stuff.

This is also why I was on the swim team for four years. Is this why you're also a second degree black belt in karate? No, that is because I'm a fucking loser. You hear that karate kids? Yeah, so you start doing this like unrequited cloud sad sky crying when I think about how happy the rain is, whatever bullshit. And she's like, wow, you know, I never thought about it like that. Yeah. That's deep. Well, be careful because once you start thinking about it, it's just all you can think about. Wow.

Franklin, you're so much deeper than I thought you were. I know, right? And she like puts her hand on your hand where it is on the fence. Oh my God. Whoa. It's quivering. Wow. I never realized there was so much sadness in the world. Are we watching this? Oh, yeah. I think we are, yeah. We're like, oh, that's a nice move. That burp stank so bad. We're in the Mr. Gilbert outfit watching. What's the name for Mr. Gilbert when it's Clover? Mrs. Pummelhurst. That's the Simpsons character. Pummelhurst.

Uh, Dr. Wow. For some reason, the thing that I must be so tired. I was just Dr. Smegma. So I think the winner is Mrs. Pummelhurst. And the way this is oriented is Clover's on the bottom and Fenton's going a long way. Yeah, totally. And yeah, she's like, wow, I never realized there was so much sadness in the world, Franklin. Thank you for showing this to me. Yeah. You're so cool. I guess so.

I mean, if that sort of thing matters to you, who can be thinking of cool things when there's, hey, do you like music? I do. Yeah, I like music. What kind of music? I don't know. Like, I don't know if you're like into it. If you're into goth music, like, or like cool, like rock and roll, pop, cool goth music. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm definitely into goth, goth, yeah, I like music. He's so nervous. She's getting nervous too.

She's like, yeah, I would love to go see some gorp music with you. Would you go to a concert with me? I have an extra ticket to my alchemical romance. Oh, I have heard of them. I would love to come. Oh, really? Yeah. Tonight? Yeah. Amazing. I mean, yeah, I guess. I guess I'd love to come. I mean, cool, yeah, I guess that's cool. Cut back to us for a second. I'm like, I think they're both lying to each other about, like, everything they're saying. I don't think he really likes goth music.

I think she called it gorp music. I wonder what gorp music is. Uh, yeah, but I mean, yeah, okay, so I guess I'll just come, I guess I'll come meet you. I mean, if you want to, but if not, whatever. No, I would love to, I would love to, I guess. Cool, okay, yeah, cool. Cool, okay. Well, I don't know, you want to just meet me there? Yeah, sure, whatever. Cool, I'll hang on to your ticket. I would love to. Okay. Okay. Okay. See you then. Bye! I mean, see ya.

And she walks back to her friends and she keeps looking back over her shoulder at you. And he, like, gives you guys two thumbs up. And I put down the huge binoculars I was holding. I stick my hands out from under the trench coat and I put my thumbs up. It's just two sets of thumbs coming out of this trench coat now. And then Mindy looks over at me and I go, and he slowly turns his thumbs down and then looks really sad. Friends? No. I'm so sad. Great.

So, yeah, um, Franklin has successfully asked out Mindy Cart. Sick. Because she likes Goth Boys. But does not understand goth music or has heard it ever. No, she just didn't know until this second that she liked Goth Boys. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Fenton, did you have a plan? Nope. Oh, what? I do not have a plan of approach. Alright. I am striding down the hallway, cape billowing behind me. Confident as fuck. Yeah.

And you're going to ask this girl who, as far as we know, was part of a traveling troop. Fuck. Is Penny still in the mall? I have not seen her in a few weeks. A few weeks. Okay, roll. You're gonna have to roll a fortune die, so just roll one for me. Three. So three is like a moderate middle success. Uh-huh. Which means that she is in the mall. Oh, cool. But what? I don't know. She has a fucking boyfriend. Oh. She has a boyfriend. Oh, that's really good.

Okay, so Fenton is going to where he knows Penny hangs out, which is where? Burrito Canyon. Yeah, she's in Burrito Canyon. She's a spicy lady. She's a redhead. She loves the spicy food. So yeah, you go and you, uh, you're striding down Burrito Canyon. Your cape is billowing. You look at the people walking by and you give them the invisible robe and you give them the across the center of the boulevard. And just bounces back and forth off the food booths that are across from each other.

And I'm looking for Penny. And you see her in the distance. I start walking up. Is she alone? No. Oh, no. She's there with another boy that seems to be about your age. Okay. He has long blonde hair in a ponytail. Whoa. And a frilly shirt. Whoa. And he's wearing short pants. Oh, my God. And they are both eating nachos and they're laughing. Holy shit. Yeah. This kid is intense. He looks like a Fabio, like a child Fabio. Oh, God.

I feel like I have to do something big, like a big promposal kind of thing. Oh, no. Oh, God. I got to go way over the top for this one. He's got his cane sword with him, by the way. All right. Of course. Of course he does. So he looks around to see what there is in the vicinity to use. You're in Burrito Canyon. So there's… And Burrito Canyon is a weird anomaly in terms of food service in the mall in that literally every booth is burritos. Oh. But different kinds of burritos. Oh. Yeah.

There's lots of tortilla chips. Oh, yeah. Regular. Queso Fountains. Queso Fountains. Regular tortillas. The river of Queso, remember? Right. It runs through Burrito Canyon. Yeah. I forgot about the Rio Queso. And maybe it's a canyon because there's like climbing walls on either side. Okay. Awesome. You have to climb a climbing wall to get to a burrito place. The really good ones. Yeah, there's a burrito place at the top. Yeah. And it's called Mount Burrito. Oh, cool.

Man, what a cool mall we live in. Isn't this cool? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. So Fenton's going to take a page out of his vampire fan fictions. Literally, he went home and ripped a page for the speech. He needs a speech out of it. Yeah.

Uh, so he goes to the guy that's working the climbing wall, and he's like, I need you to hoist me up, and then when I give you a signal, drop me down, and I'm gonna kick out from the wall and try and land on that table where that red-headed girl is sitting. There is no situation in which I would ever allow any of this to happen. It is not only against the policies of the mall, but it is against the laws of both physics and medicine. Uh, what if I give you all of the spear bucks I have?

How many do we have? Yeah, there's 15 spear bucks. Okay, I stole all of them. Damn it, Fenton. Franklin and Clover. Here we go, I have 15 spear bucks for you. Say no more. Done. Okay, I have this crazy plan to ask that girl out to my alchemical romance concert. The more time that passes, the less I care. Hey, here's what I'm gonna do. You're gonna hoist me up to the top. Okay, up we go. Okay, bye, thank you. He starts pulling on the rope, and you're sailing up the climbing wall.

You're Kate billowing behind you. Um, okay. Fuck, I shouldn't have made it a thing. Yeah, probably not. Um. I do love it, though. Is there a way I can use consort? Or sway? Can I use sway? Convince me. I mean, you're trying to convince, yeah, you're trying to convince Penny. I'm trying to convince her, so when I land, I'm gonna just try and be as fucking charming. As I possibly can. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'd say that counts. So, 2d6. Yep. Okay, here we go. My alchemical romance! And Penny! And me!

Forever! Five. Okay, five. Um. Okay, so describe how this looks again. Um. Fenton's trying to make it so the cape is billowing behind him as he descends. And then he's trying to lightly touch down on the table. And then he's gonna invite Penny to the dance. And then he's gonna make a giant, after-reading-a-speech to her. Okay. So, you're lifted to the very top of this climbing wall. That, uh, you're realizing is a lot taller than you thought it was gonna be. He's like, wait.

It keeps getting higher. Every time he pulls me up, I feel like I go 15 feet. Um, and you're so high. You can see… Everything in the Yesterland Amusement Park from the top of Mount Burrito. Whoa. Whoa. You can see, in the distance, the tumbleweed herds. Crossing them all. You can see the Annihilator roller coaster being hosed off across the… You can see, uh, um, uh, a group of some sort of small hobnoblin-like creatures climbing all over another ride, fixing it up. Oh. So beautiful up here.

Wow. You never really stop to look around when you're in the grimy depths of the food court. But when you get up high… You realize it's really quite a beautiful place that we live. And, you know… From the base of the climbing wall, you hear, down we go! He starts dropping you. And you kick yourself out? Yeah, I kick off to try and aim for the table that she's at. So yeah, you sail out from the wall. Cape billowing behind me. Beautiful. Like some sort of fishing lure.

And you see Penny and this frilly boy sitting at a table eating some nachos. Yeah. And you see that you're absolutely gonna land right on top of these nachos for one thing. Okay. And you do! You crush a bowl of nachos underneath you. Penny and the frilly boy are both splattered with cheese and tortilla chips and chives. Oh, no! Oh my god! Frank… Frank… Frank… Franklin? Fenton. Fenton? My name is Fenton. I'm sorry, we've… I don't know if we've ever really spoken that much. No, we haven't.

Ever. But I'm here for you now to speak. Oh! Sorry, who is this? And I gesture at the boy. This is my… This is my boyfriend, Grombley. Fenton is laughing so hard that he's hearing his name. Penny, is this strange cheesy boy bothering you? What is Penny… What is Penny… Uh, give him a second to speak, Grombley. And then, so I flip the cape… The cape went over my head. I flip it back and I'm like, Penny… It has been a long, long time that I have been admiring you from afar.

Staring at you… I can just imagine Clover and Franklin watching nearby… Yeah. …and hearing him say, staring at you… And then being like, no, no, no. No. And for… You are the sun. You are the sun among stars. Aw. You are one that I cannot help but notice. For you are the one to which my plants grow. The fuck? Aw. Aw? Look, what I'm saying is… I… I like you. I've liked you from the minute I saw you. Backstage at ALF, I saw you picking your nose, you were two knuckles deep. And…

At this, she kind of side-eyes Grombley. And I don't know what this guy's deal is. He seems like, I don't know, some kind of villain in a Kindergarten Cop kind of movie. And I'm sure he has a lot to offer. But here's what I have to offer. A ticket to my alchemical romance. And she goes, aw. Will you go on this date with me and then also maybe be my girlfriend? Wow. Ben, this sure was… Something. Thank you. And you crushed my nachos. Which I'm not crazy about. But Grombley paid for them.

That makes sense. He looks rich. And I don't think I've ever seen anybody do anything like this before for somebody they liked. So, yeah. Yeah, I'll go with you to the dance show. Wow. Music? Is it a… I didn't really… I was confused. They're kind of like a pop-punk band. Okay, yeah, that sounds good. I'll go with you. Yeah, they're pretty intense. And Grombley stands up at this, covered in cheese and chives. He goes, I can't believe you would do this to me, Penny.

I can't believe you would betray me so. I have everything that a woman would desire. I have looks, I have brains, and I have clothing. And you would cast me aside for this grubby ball of a man? Boy, this is not the last you've heard of me. And he points at Fenton. He says, you will rue the day that you crossed Grombley Boggy. Boggins? Okay. And he hustles away down Burrito Canyon. Wait, have we seen this last name before? Boggins? I thought so. Etienne Boggins. Etienne Boggins! Oh, whoa!

Mayor of Mudlark. But yeah, and he storms off down Burrito Canyon. Penny goes, wow, you sure destroyed my nachos. Yeah, I try and like wipe them off my pants and back into the plate. Be serious with me, Penny. How many nachos were actually in here? I can't remember. Fuck. Okay. I was really just, Grombley is really annoying. I was looking at other stuff. Oh, okay, cool. Are you still down to go to this dance with me? Absolutely. Okay, cool. Okay, I'll see you there.

Yeah, meet me outside a concert, I guess. Okay, bye. And she rolls backwards off the bench that she's on, because she doesn't feel like turning around. Okay. She hits the ground, scrambles to her feet, and runs away. Wow, what a woman. So, Fenton has asked out Penny to the dance, but has made an enemy in Grombley Boggins. Hell yeah, I have. All right, Clover. Yeah. You're the last one. What's your plan for asking out Seamus? I think Seamus is working today. He's at the hot dog cart.

So, I grabbed Borbo's boom box before we left. Uh-oh. Holy shit. Oh, fuck. And like at the back of the corn dog line. I play a song. And in this world, a boom box is a bunch of rubber hoses that you put over the mouth of a glass bottle attached to a funnel. Yeah, totally. Cool. That's awesome. Makes it so loud. And tinny. Sounds like shit. Yeah. But you can hear it really far away. Yeah. Should stay. I would only be in. Should stay. I would only be in. Should stay. I would only be in.

Should stay. I would only be in. Should stay. I would only be in. Should stay. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in.

I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. I would only be in. And people in the line start turning around. I point my finger at Seamus. Start doing a dance. What's the dance look like? I'm stretching out my arms. Real Celine Dion moves. Yeah. I'm turning around. Point my toes. You, my darling Seamus. Will you go to the dance with me, Seamus? There's a digital ball. My alchemical romance is playing. And I want to go with you. Franklin's blowing bubbles.

I have an extra ticket. If you say yes, it's all I will ever have dreamed of. And I will always love you. I will always love you. You. You. Pretty good sustaining of that note, Jessica. Thank you. That was amazing. That was genuinely impressive. Oh, thank you. Yeah, well done. Well done. I didn't roll for that. No, and that's the things you have to now. Nice. Shit. If you loved it. So wait, what are you using? I guess you're saying prowess is like aggressive? Yeah, kind of.

She's being emotionally aggressive. Being emotional. Emotionally. That singing was really prowess-ness. What's your skill in? It's in a tune, and I'm a whisper ritualist. Perhaps that was like a ritual. I always sing at night about Seamus when I'm feeling emotional. I'll allow a tune. Okay. So just one dice? Just one. Please. A tune. Five. Five. Yeah, nice. If only I had held that note longer, Seamus would have been a hardcore yes. So partial success instead of an unmitigated success. Fuck.

Can you take stress to make it an unmitigated success? I don't think stress exists. Wait, stress does exist. You can take stress to make it an extra die. Oh, shit. I'll take stress. Yeah, you can take stress to roll one more die. Okay. So I think it's two stress per die? Yeah. Yeah, so two stress. God, I forgot about stress. That's stupid, huh? Well, that was just two stress you took for no reason, I guess. Yeah. You can take two more. Yeah, I'll take two more.

I really want him to go to this dance with me. And I'm getting… And he hasn't said anything for a while, so I'm like… He's just standing there looking at you. I have five stress. That's okay. I can do it. Jesus. Six. Oh! Unmitigated success! It's like 45 seconds of silence, and I'm sweating bees. I think that while you were playing this song, the line was like turning around like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. Why is this girl and her grubby friends putting on a performance?

Fenton was holding a disco ball in the end of a pretty long fishing lure, and it was really hard to hold it up. I was hitting a lot of people in the face with it. And Seamus looks at you, and he's holding two wet corn dogs that have since turned into dry rice. So he just dripped the batter all the way down onto his hands. Yeah, okay. I'll go with you. Yes! And all the older people, teenagers, and adults go… Aw! Yay! Woo! So sweet!

Some of them aren't clapping, and Fenton jabs them with his cane sword, and he's like, fucking clap! It's a big moment. Okay, all right. Fuck, kid. Jesus. I mean… Uh… A deity that exists in your reality. Anyways, I got to go. This guy runs out of the crowd. Wait a second. Follow that guy. And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. All the Cool Treat Kids have successfully asked out their crushes. Yay! That's exciting. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody.

I've been your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Franklin Stein, the Cutter, Paul Oppers. Take care, guys. Playing Fenton Beasley, the Slide, Abdul Aziz. So long, everybody. And playing Clover Ivy Fern, the Whisperer, Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. With the golden voice. This show is only possible due to you, our beautiful Patreon supporters. And we are eternally grateful. If you like the show, tell your friends. Tell us what you want out of Patreon stuff. Go ahead.

Shoot me a message anytime. I'm available. Join our Discord if you haven't already. As patrons, you have access to exclusive channels, including Discord streams. Q&As, and then intermittent streams of other shit, kind of whenever we feel like it. Yeah, sometimes I edit on stream. Yeah, sometimes I play video games and talk to people. Paul, do you have an idea? Yeah, I'm going to put a stream up. You're going to see me in a stream. Bathing in a stream. I've got so many streams.

Live stream of Paul bathing in a stream. I'm going to be live streaming a brook. You're going to love it. I love it. Thanks to Drew for suggesting Chunk Duncan. Yes, thanks to Patreon patron and Discord user Drew for the name Chunk Duncan. Yeah. Do we use any other names from the Discord? No. Oh, Skinny Jeans. Skinny Jeans. Skinny Jeans. That was me. Yeah, that was me. Oh, and thank you to, again, Patreon patron and Discord user Quinn for our intro and outro music. It's really good. I love it.

It's amazing. It's great. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. See you next time. And so ends the tale. Of the cool treat kids. Always up to no good. So tiny and greedy. And angsty they be. As they navigate crime and puberty. And though our journey may be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to the chocolate store. As the cool treat kids plan their next score. And for you I'll gladly spout more. I'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Pickaxe You've seen them around, they sell sweets by the pound Their wares are famously tasty So here I sing, singing to you Of crimes involving chemistry Clover's the whisperer, she makes all the sweets She has a corn dog addiction Lenten's the slob, she sleeps in a safe And writes vampire fan fiction Franklin's the cutter, his fighters strength Despite his dance, his heart Best and brightest, they may not be But that's my favorite part So gather round, friends Endless and clothed For the tale's about to start Hi everybody and welcome to Spoutmore Mall Brats I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara and playing Clover I am the Game Master Sean O'Hara Ivy Fern, Jessica Tai.

Welcome. Playing Franklin Stein, Paul Oppers. Hey, how's it going? And playing Fenton Beasley, Abdul Aziz. Hey, hi, everybody. And there it is. Hi. When last we left our heroes, the Cool Treat Kids engaged in a little downtime between jobs. Today, we join our friends, the Cool Treat Kids, in the mall-wide flea market known as Big Market. Two and a half weeks pass, and the sun rises on the morning of Big Market. The Cool Treat Kids awake with the day's bounty ahead of them. What are y'all doing?

I guess we're pulling all our shit together. Yeah. Mm-hmm. This would be a good opportunity to talk about what the Cool Treat Kids want out of Big Market. Maybe we have a goal and set amount of money. I guess, yeah, maybe that's it. Like, we want to make more than kind of like every other kid gang, so we increase our sort of status with the food court. And there is like a thing with the food court.

If you're a kid gang, or like there's different levels, but with kid gangs, if you make more than blah, blah, blah at food market, then like you get sweet cred or you get some sort of bonus. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It should be like 20 coins? 20 spirit bucks? 20 gold coins. Gold coins. Gold coins. What was, well, I guess this is a question for Sean. What was the record last year? Yeah. Or last Big Market? We're all 2D10. 2D10? Yeah. Just do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Last year, or no, at the last Big Market, however many months ago, the Cherry Pits sold 13 coin, solid gold coins worth of their goods to outsiders. Do they sell cherries? Yeah. Cool. They have farms on top of like some of the hanging. Oh, man. They have one tree. Oh. And they steal a lot of the cherries that they sell. But the cherries they grow are actually really good. Yeah. Yeah. So they sold 13 coin worth of cherries, which is crazy. Holy shit.

And they did it by making sure that they had a really good spot in the market. Mm-hmm. And maybe sabotaging a few competitors. Yeah. Yeah. And also like attracting people with their like showmanship and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. They have one of their guys is a sharpshooter, and he has a slingshot, and he shoots things with cherry stones. Oh, yeah. People thought it was really cool. You put a cherry in your mouth. You turn to the side, and he shoots it out of your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. What?

It's pretty cool. No, it just sounds very unpleasant. It sounds terrifying. A couple people choked, but it was all part of the show. Yeah. And yeah, Borbo's like, all right, so all you kids are going out today, going to a big market? You're damn right. You got the place. Oh, you better believe it, bro. Don't eat all the cayenne pepper. I will try not to. Bring me back a… Bring me back a… Bring me back… Okay. We're walking away. If you don't tell us… Hey, bring me back a…

If you don't tell us right now, we're not going to hear you. Like a puppet. Why did I say puppet? Fine, we'll get him a puppet. I don't care. Okay. That's weird. There's like 17 in the attic. We have so many puppets. That's why he said puppet, because he just looked up. Fuck, there's a bunch right there. There's a lot here. Yeah, so that's… Just head out to Big Market. You go and you set up in between Yolinda and Dwat. What does your booth look like?

Well, there's one tent that Greg had given me, and I put a bunch of pillows inside, and that's where I do palm reading. This tiny little tent. And I like painted a bunch of stars on it and like eyeballs and stuff to make it really fancy. Hell yeah. Yeah, and I put like a bunch of glitter. I put like a bunch of glitter on it for like a glitter carpet to lead the way to my tent. It's going to get messy. I'll regret it for sure. So you're trying to get people to track glitter into your tent?

Well, it's supposed to like, you know, hey, come this way, but I guess that's what's going to happen. But I've already put the glitter down. I can't put it back in. Just set up the candy. What's Clover's Big Market outfit like? She has… Like a big winter scarf wrapped around her head like this shawl. And then she added like a little veil for mystery across her face. So she looks like a beekeeper? And then like a big bathrobe of, again, Greg's old bathrobe that was like purple and stuff.

So it's like twice your size. Yeah. So I've rolled it all up and I've felted it. So I look like a beekeeping wizard. Oh, so good. What's Franklin's portent? He made a paper mache candy hat. That's like a flutsy roll. Uh-huh. Which looks like a huge turd that he has on his head. But with holes in it. Uh-huh. You can play it like a flute. Yeah, that's right. You've had a flutsy roll. And he has got multiple pairs of scissors. He's got suspenders on.

All the different colors of suspenders he's wearing right now. And short Lederhosen sort of style shorts on. And the suspenders are made out of licorice. Oh. He can sell them. He's really trying to push his licorice suspenders. No one else supports this idea. I swear it's going to work. Guys, they're going to take off. I worked on these things for like two weeks. They're going to be great. Every single ounce of these is edible. Even the clasp. Except for the bottom.

Except for the buskles and the… Buskles and the clasps. Don't eat the buskle. You're going to get sick. Great. What's Fenton looking like? Oh, he wore a leotard today. Because he brought his papier-mâché moths. And he's going to try and attract people to come in. With like a routine. Yeah? Yeah. Like, you know, the ribbon in gymnastics? It's a lot like that. Yeah, but it's just a weight on the end of a cord being swung around his head. Yeah, and it's going to look fucking majestic.

So, what's the… What's the candy selling situation here? What candy do we have? Well, because, I mean, you're selling fortunes, you're promoting, and you're selling papier-mâché moths. We have a whole spread. Yeah. Tell me three of them. One of them is definitely the little sleepy forget-me-pops. So, I'm advertising those as a sleep aid and bad memory remover. Holy shit. Or introducer. Or introducer. And they look fun because they're purple. And they're pretty big, too. So, like, good value.

How much are we selling these for? I don't know. One coin? One coin. Each? Is that too much, Sean? Yeah, that's one. That's too much. Because, remember, coins are kind of abstracted. So, like, one coin for us would be like 50 bucks. Holy shit. So, maybe one coin for a bag of 10? Yeah. I'd say, yeah. Once you sell… Once you sell a bunch, that's one coin's worth of… Yeah. Yeah. So, a bag of 10 gives you one… Is one coin. Uh-huh. Yeah. There's also… We have wine gums. Oh, yeah.

We have a lot of wine gums. Yeah. Each little baggie is a coin as well. Okay. Oh, yeah. And Franklin has a wall that he set up that he can hit with a button. And it flips and turns around. And it has all the, like, candy weapons. What? Whoa. He's selling candy arsenals as well. Like what? You can buy different packages. You can get the cutter package. You can get… The Terminator package. You can get the Commando package. You can get the Rambo Commando package. You can get the breakfast club.

You can get the lunch cup. The breakfast club? Yeah. You can get the… It's a hard-boiled egg on a stick. Sour 16 package. Sir, what's it going to take to get you into a Terminator package today? That's wild. I like that a couple missions ago, you guys were like, Look, we don't want to be drug dealers anymore, but however, we will on occasion deal drugs. And also weapons. I imagine, yeah, like the other side of that weapons candy is just like chocolate bars we've made.

Because it's like easy money. Yeah. You can make a ton of them. You look like you can handle it. Terminator. Yeah. And I… So, because we said we were going to replace guns with slingshots. So, it was like the Terminator package, just like a slingshot. It's one of those ones that has the wrist brace. Oh, yeah. So, you can really whip it back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which are edible. Yeah.

But we did steal them from the bottom of the rope ladder that leads up to Rick's robe. Do not tell Rick, please. Great. So, I want to do a fortune roll. So, one die. Somebody pick it to roll it to see kind of how things have been going for the first little bit of Big Mark. I'll do this one. Yeah. Fortune. Three. Okay. You're just doing your thing, setting up, selling things here and there. No, like, big money. Items like a forget-me-pop, a chocolate bar.

No one's come by and asked about the weapons, so you've been smart enough to not reveal that. But a member of mall security approaches your booth. Ugh. The fuck is this? It's not Tina Derger. It's not the nice one. Is it Corb Green? No, it's not Corb Green. I think it's just a shitty guy. He's got like a five o'clock shadow. His name's Trimp. Is he from shitty? Does he have a neck beard? Yeah, totally. He's got a five o'clock shadow that goes all the way down to his chest.

And he has a neck tattoo, too, under the neck beard, but you can kind of see it. What's the point? It's a neck tattoo of a dragon, but the dragon has bare breasts. Sick. I can't stop looking at his tattoos. And he's chewing a piece of gum. Like, he's just chewing gum. He's like, What we got here, kids? Pop my head out of the tent. Cool treat, kids? This is our tent. We sell candy. We got some reports that there's an unlicensed booth in this part of Big Market.

You wouldn't know anything about that, would ya? Probably the fucking snake guy. Yeah. This weirdo. Definitely him. Oh, Dwight? No, me and Dwight go back. Dwight's like, yeah, yep, we do. Oh, sorry, Dot. I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna start anything, but, uh, you know, not having a license, that's a pretty hefty fine. Illegally selling goods during Big Market, that's a pretty hefty fine. I'd hate to have to take you kids in. What's it gonna take to take you in? Oh, I don't know.

And he reaches his hand up to scratch his face and he starts doing the like, fingers rubbed together money thing. Okay. He goes, who knows, you know? It's just, it's Big Market, it's crazy. There's a lot of stuff going on. Hey, what's your name? I don't have to tell you that. He has a name tag that says Tramp. Hey, Tramp. Oh, shit. You look like you have a stressful job. Maybe I do. Yeah. He pats his sword. Okay. But the scabbard flaps are bound in a way that suggests there's no blade. Yeah.

You know, we deal in, like, some hard candies. If you know what I mean. Some good stuff. Is that so? Yeah. And, like, what if I gave you some and you just minded your own business and went on your way? Somebody's gonna have to roll something. Actually, Clover's gonna have to roll something because she's doing the talking. I don't know with what. Sway or something like that usually? A tune? Yeah. Yeah, I have a tune. Maybe you are attuning into, like, oh, this guy wants to get fucked up. Yeah.

And I can tell by your, like, cool tattoo. That you're, like, into cool stuff, right? Maybe. Yeah. Actually, you know what? Now that since the tune is more, like, vibing people out in this setting, like, a tune totally makes sense. Five. Five. Okay. So five is a partial success. Sweet. And he is like, all right. Yeah, I didn't want to say that it was you without a permit. I've seen your permit. And he, like, yells outside the side. Totally. It's right here. Totally. So I'll take some of these.

He grabs a bag of, forget me, pops, a full bag. Wow. Okay. You're gonna want to take one of those, like, ASAP because they are good. And you should actually share them with your friends. Maybe I will. Maybe I will. They'd love them, too. I bet they would. Cool. Yeah, you're so cool. And people love it when cool people share with them. You'll be the most popular security boy. That's what Fenton pops his head out to say. He's out front. Oh, he's just there. All right. No, thanks a lot, kids.

Thanks for making sure everything's in order. And he leans in and he says, and at the end of the day, I'll be back for five percent. And he starts walking away. Okay. Five percent. I'll give that guy five percent. He holds up his knuckle. Reel it in, Franklin. He's not gonna remember. And you have some time to sort of pursue the goals that you want to pursue. So what's the plan? And there are people streaming by. Like, Big Market is busy. Come ye, come ye. Have your fortunes told.

Do you want to know life's secrets? I will tell them for you. And I just do stuff like that. Yeah. And I pick up some of the glitter from my little, like, glitter trail and I, like, splash it around. Nice. Yeah. You're gonna have to roll to attract somebody, I think. Okay. I'd say a tune as well to be spooky. Four. Okay, yeah. That's another partial success. So, yeah, you, it's like a mid-thirties guy who's really sweaty. He's like, you sure you're doing fortunes? I certainly am, sir.

So you can, like, help people know, like, the future. Yeah. And, like, what is gonna happen and if it's gonna be good or bad. Yes. Hundred percent guarantee satisfaction. And if, like, somebody had, like, sent a risky letter recently, would you be able to tell them how the letter would be received? Only the universe knows and only the stars can tell me. Okay, how much? One coin. Done. In here, in the tent? And he just, like, dives into the tent. Yep, I usually go first, but, yep, no problem.

And I think we'll, we'll, we'll pause there for a second. We'll cut back. So what are Fenton and Franklin doing? I was gonna maybe do a routine to bring the crowd in, but I was also thinking of sabotaging some other people's booths. Ooh, good idea. And that's why I brought these fucking, everyone thinks they're for the moth routine, but they're actually weapons that I've been practicing with in secret. Moth and I'm Jackson. Yeah. Alright, I like that. Yeah. So, who is Fenton going to sabotage?

Who are the other kid gangs that are here? The Pixie Sticks are here, for sure. The Cherry Pits are here again, but they're more fruit and produce. They're not really candy. Fuck them anyways. The Nog Hogs, they kind of encroach in your demographic. Yeah, I'm walking around, like, kind of looking at everyone that's available. I went for a walk. The Fudgies. Fudgies. And the Fudgies are, like, they're teenagers, and their shit is, like, really good. Oh, but their song is so…

Hey, hey, we're the Fudgies! It's like, ugh, it's really you. Fudgie, Fudgie, Fudgie, Fudge, Fudgie. Fudge! Yeah, that's the thing, is, like, the shitty songs that we did at the beginning of the session, we were trying to do them as we're setting up, and then no one was coming, and then I went over to what they were doing, and it's, like, glee over there. Wow.

They have a little, like, barbershop quartet singing about Fudge, and it's so loud that people are inevitably drawn, in this part of Big Market, they're inevitably drawn to the Fudgies. And then once people have fucking bought and eaten Fudge, they're down for the count. They don't want anything else. We're fucked if these people keep selling Fudge. You gotta bring them down. Yeah, I gotta bring these motherfuckers down. And so we cut to the Fudgers. We cut to the Fudgies. Motherfudgers.

Right now, he's, like, two rows away, like, watching them from, like, what he is, like, this is a secret where they know. Can I see me watching them? But he's standing on a schnitzel seller's table. He's like, I'm gonna kill those fucks. And the schnitzel seller is, like, putting cloth over all the schnitzels. And he's like, actually, if you just step that way, you'd really be helping me out. Help me pound this schnitzel. He takes one step over. Thank you. Continue. These people.

He starts smashing them in his face. He's like, those Fudgies are gonna rue the day that they ever decided to congeal fat and sugar into a brick of fat and sugar. And to anybody except Fenton right now, the Fudgies look really nice. They're very charismatic. They're singing. A song that's actually kind of nice. They're just really sweet people. They all wear sweater vests and it's he's putting this together in his head.

He's just like so mad about how put together there and he jumps off and he runs away. Thank you. So Fenton leaves. What's Franklin doing? I mean, I'm a little worried about you going off to take on the whole Fudgies. So, okay, as Fenton starts leaving, you're like, I should really go with Fenton. And then little kid comes up and it's like, hey, yo, what's up, little man? Shh, come on. What do you got, big fella? Lower your voice. This is as low it goes. I've hit puberty.

I can't go lower than this. If I whisper, it squeaks. It's so ridiculous. That's good. That's good. That's a good volume. Okay. I hear that you you're selling and he starts winking at you. You know, candy. Yeah, but he's winking so much that his eyes basically just closed and twitching. I'm looking for, uh, you know, the, the, the dangerous stuff. I got you. He backs up, puts down a false front and then hits the button and it flips over. What kind of package you looking for?

And his eyes widen, he starts rubbing his hands together and he's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna get him back good. How many people you got trying to, uh, revenge? Just one, but I want to revenge the heck out of them. You know what? Revenge is a dish best served sweet. That's so cool that you said that cause it's candy. Yeah. Did you get that? Was that on purpose though? What do you mean? Revenge. Sweet. Candy. Oh shit. Uh, yeah, of course. That's so cool. It's candy revenge gear.

Hey, how much you got? He pulls his hands out of his pockets and just does that kid thing where he opens them and goes this much. I got this many. What's this? Get me. Yeah. It's like one spear buck, a handful of twine. It looks like a human tooth and just a bunch of hair. What the fuck is this kid doing? Okay. This stuff is not cheap. Okay. I can get in a lot of trouble. Yeah. Look at this. You can get in. He holds up the tooth. Look at that. That's a pretty big tooth. It is.

It's like a beaver cat tooth. I don't know. I found it. Let me see that in a toilet. It's a grown man's tooth. Found this in a toilet. Yeah. What's that going to get me? Like, I don't know. Um, uh, look, I got a score to settle. Are you going to help me out or not? I mean, not for one spear buck. You got to come back with something. This is the illegal shit. This is the good shit. My cheapest package. Is five spear. But wow. And he goes, wow, five spear bucks.

How much does it cost to, uh, to pay down the fine for illegally selling weapons at big market? Oh, out of curiosity. Huh? I'm just saying if you're going to be a crime, you better be ready to pay for crimes. He's trying to be tough. Just saying if you're going to be a big crime boy, you better be ready for crime time. Okay. I got something. I'm about ready for crime time. Start rolling up his sleeves. You're not going to fucking intimidate me, you broke piece of shit. All right. This is a okay.

I'm going to say this is risky because he's like, I'm going to tell on you. Like if you blow this, he's going to tell on you. I know, but I was thinking I do kind of want to befriend this kid. What if he's got like rich parents? I mean, you got to convince him of otherwise. He's being a little dipshit right now. Yeah. It sounds like he has rich parents. Go ask your mommy and daddy for some fucking money, bud. I've got the savage threat. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think will happen to you if you rat me out? Do you think I'm scared? Look at the way I live. Look at how dirty my teeth are. Feel those. Feel fuzzy they are. I haven't brushed my teeth for months. Oh my God. Your breath smells like the inside of a rotting like thing. That's horrific. You gosh darn right it is. You can't scare me. And I want you to be able to get revenge. And what's what's their name? I can't. I'm not at liberty to tell. I'll give you a discount. All right.

His name's Coop. And he widens his eyes and looks over his nose at you. You know the one. I've heard Coop. He's been pushing a lot of weight around. I let him borrow my turtle like three weeks ago. And I said, give him back. It's time for his bermation soon. And you know what Coop said to me? What does Coop say to you? He said that I smell like a butt. You kind of stink a little bit. Wow. All right. Okay. It's not for everybody. But I'm going to get my turtle back.

I'm going to show him who smells like a butt. You know what's going to get that back? I got what's called licorice net. What's the candy net called? Oh, bubble gum net. Oh, yeah. I got a bubble gum net. You're going to have to convince him. You got to roll something. I'm going to roll my sleeves up. I'm going to insinuate a little piece of shit. So it's not an extra die. It's that there's more effect. Command. I have command. You have command. So that means you get one.

And if you roll because of Savage, you get like a greater effect. Okay. You go tell your parents to give you more. Five. Five. All right. So that is that is a success. Great. Goes. Okay. All right. No, I can tell that you know how to you know how to write some wrongs. I know that you've punched a face or two. Man, I would like to also punch a face at some point. And you seem like the kind of guy that will tell me which hand to do it with.

And that's some information that I could really be good with. It's whatever hand you brush your teeth with. So I don't actually know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Anyways, I can go talk. I'll go. I'll go shake down my parents. I'll be back. I'm going to keep this here for you. I like you. Yeah. Okay. You know what? I'm going to come back. I'm gonna come back with that full five. I believe it. I'm gonna come back with that full five.

This this candy crusher package is yours. Oh, I can't wait. Thanks for doing business with me. Thank you. Yes. And he leaves. And we cut to Clover in the in the tent with this sweaty man and he's got a sweat. Sweaty palm out in front of you. It's so humid in there. I had to take my scarf and veil off. Oh, you're a little kid. I thought you were like a halfling or something. No, no. I just look really young for my age, which is 40. My pants. I use a lot of skin creams. Oh, I have never done that.

So I believe you. Cool. Let's look at your hand. Here you go. And it's so slick. This is wet. So wet. What was it? What's it say about like letters? Letters. It says that. The letter was very long. That is true. Yes. And full of harsh words. In a sense, I suppose. Yes. It's OK. You see that line right there? Which one? One across your palm. That's steak sauce. Oh. And he wipes it off. I meant the one beside the steak sauce. OK. That means. That the gods are on your side.

And this one here on the inside means you have a guardian angel. So I wouldn't worry too much about the letter, but I would worry about this line. The big one that lines outside of your thumb. It's broken. What does that mean? Does that mean her boyfriend's going to come beat me up? Let me look into. You got to roll something. You got to roll something. Yeah. Look into the cards. See how this resolves. What is this? A tune? What do you think? Ritualist. Actually.

Ritualist can study occult rituals to summon supernatural effects. So that sounds like what we were saying we would use ritualists for. OK. As being like a convincing hippie, basically. Oh. Three. So they're not great. No. Failure. Oh, shit. But it was. This is all controlled. He's like desperate. Uh-huh. For this. So he's letting it happen. So if you wanted to avoid the consequence, you could take a point of stress. Yeah. Sure. I really want his money. So I use my stress. He goes. OK. Cards.

These look like playing cards. They're not. They were gifted to me from my great great great grandmother passed down from eldest daughter to eldest daughter. They hold many powers. Why do they look like trading cards, though? Because. They appear differently to anyone else who looks like a trading card. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit.

I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. I give you the credit. Psychic here or am I the psychic? That's right. Shut the fuck up. So wait. So because I'm looking at the cards they look like magisterium cards. Yes. But to you they look like something else? Yes.

Alright. Tell me about the cards. I'm willing to pay if it means that I will not get put into a dumpster again. What is happening with this guy? And we're going to cut back to Fenton for a second. Can you try to get some of the information about him because I'm so interested in what's happening here. Alright. So we cut to Fenton at the fudgies booth. Yeah. And they're like dead. The fuck is happening? Everybody wants some fudge. Why does fudge taste so great?

Something, something, something, something. Why don't you buy some fudge? Why does this stuff taste like fudge? Why does it taste like fudge? That's because it's fudge. Fudge is a winning game and all of you can play the same kind of fudge. It will make you fall in love. Fall in love. Fall in fudge. Fall in fudge. And then I can't even say it. The guy jumps out with a horn. It goes on for a while. They have a fucking horn? Yeah. It's amazing. They've got quite a crowd around them. Yeah.

So they finish the song and people fucking rush the booth. Everyone's throwing coins. Fudge! Yeah. There's spearbucks flying. You see gold glinting through the air. Yeah. There's hard currency being spent here. Yeah. So I'm watching them make so much money and us get totally fucking hosed right now. And I'm just like what the shit fuck is this? It's so funny. Everyone fended swears. Because he also doesn't understand the swears that he's using. No, not at all. What the ass fuck?

Are you dicking me? What? We're getting fucking dicked in the face right now. Some adults are like, I don't think you know what you're saying. I don't think you know what you're fucking saying, you long butted idiot. Do I have a long butt? Am I an idiot? And so I guess he kind of wants to get some information about like weak points in their security maybe. Yeah, maybe he wants to steal their coins. Yeah, I was thinking that too or like make their fudge seem awful.

Yeah, like maybe like sabotage their fudge in a big way. Those are yeah, those are three good options sabotage their fudge find out what other weak points they have or straight up steal their money. Yeah, and also the fucking patina on their like shiny ass teeth and their perfect pitch and their preparation. Fuck this. There's something fucked up going on with these weirdos.

I like that you're just like a bunch of fucking street rats that live in an abandoned chocolate store and you see like happy, capable, confident business people and you're like something's fucking wrong with them. This is truly how all comedians think of regular. Oh, you just have a job in a house in a family. Fuck you piece of shit. There's something going on wrong with you probably eat live birds or something, right? Some fucked up everything about me is fucked up is right on the surface.

My mom and I'm guess I'm monologue. My mom love turtles where she loved me. She forgot me here at the mall. My dad loved scarecrows and he hated farmers. What the fuck is wrong with these people? So what do I roll? Well, what are you doing? I'm monologuing while I study their fucking booth. So that's study. So the thing that you're doing is trying to figure out what their weak point is. I guess so that'd be survey in my eyes, but you tell me what it is.

No, I don't want to use survey because I have nothing. I like look around and there's good fucking Doris is nearby. She set up a shitty food booth pretty close and I go up to her and I'm like Doris. I need fucking information on these chubs. So what are you using? Consort that is a smart use of that. I will say yeah, he's like I'm just going to go ask somebody that I know. Yeah, I was really getting worked up. Come over in your red and you're like, I need help. Oh, little Fenton. Are you okay?

Do you need Heimlich maneuver? No, I need you to Heimlich a fucking don't swear. Okay, I need you to Heimlich some don't say a good word. Say a good boy word. I'm like my anchor out of my tummy. Okay. Okay, it's okay boy. I'm so mad. My boy, my boy. I only had one chocolate bar today. She takes her little sailor hat off and she starts like smoothing down your curly hair. I'm wearing a sailor hat with the leotard. Oh, sorry. I forgot you'd already.

I forgot about the no, I'm wearing a sailor hat with the leotard. You're always dressed like a little sailor, right? Yeah. Most of the time I decided to wear a leotard today though, but still the Donald Duck sailor hat. So she takes it off and she tries to smooth down your curly hair and it calms me down a little bit. It's okay. What is the problem? Like all these fucking fudgies are taking all of our business. You're in competition with the fudgies? I'm in competition. That's what I've decided.

Oh, Fenton. I do not know about that. But if people stop giving all their coins to them, maybe we get some of those coins. Yes, that is perhaps true. Yes. So how do we, what, what are their weaknesses? Okay, you gotta roll. Tell me what fucked up things I can use against them or whatever. So what, so Bye. What's a partial? So she'll tell you something. What is the weakness? I want you to tell me. Their fudge is being kept cool. Oh, yeah. It's gotta be kept at a specific temperature.

And they have a power system. A bunch of elves are working the what do you call it? Treadmills? Yeah, they're working like a little gear system. Tiny bikes. Yeah, that cools down their fudge trays. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a hot summer right now. It is. It's the middle of July. And they're really mean to their elves. They are. Yeah. And the air conditioning doesn't reach this part of the mall. They're under one of the skylights. Yeah. Maybe we can organize a union. Yeah. Unionize the elves?

I was thinking of doing that, yeah. That's pretty funny. Yeah. So if you go talk to the elves. Yeah. So wait, is it, are we positing that people know about elves? Yeah, I think everybody knows the elves run the mall. It's been unclear in the past. So we're saying, yeah, people know about elves. Yeah. Cool, cool. Yeah. Okay, yeah. So Doris tells you that. Yeah. I don't know. They've been treating those political elves pretty bad.

And I think if one little boy wanted to cause trouble, he could start from the ground up. Start from a grassroots movement. Anyways, I should get back to giving away my shitty food. Okay, thanks a lot, Doris. And he grabs a handful of pulled pork, stuffs it into his mouth and runs away. God, that tastes awful. And yeah, so that's what you learn. Okay. The elves are not being treated well. Back to Franklin. So that kid comes back with five spear bucks. Sweet. I got five spear bucks.

Man, a deal's a deal. Here you go, my little man. All right. I can give him a bubble gum net. Oh, right. It's a bubble gum net. Yeah. Yeah. And I throw in a couple throwing canes. They're cheap. They're easy to make. Throwing canes? Oh, candy canes. Candy canes that have been sucked sharp. Oh, hell yeah. Suck these myself. Suck these myself. Oh, that's quality. It's true, man. You be careful with those. Coop's gonna rube the day he ever stole my turtle. Rube? Yeah, he's gonna rube the day.

Rube the day. You said rube the day. Yeah. Rube the day. It's rue the day. I think I know what a rube is. And he walks away. Rube. What else is and so he frankly just flips back when that kid leaves. Yeah, totally. And there's some there's just like a family in front of the booth like, oh, candy kids. Yes, we've got tons of candy kids. Wow. We are from Black Glass and we are just so excited to be here. I gotta say we've never been to such a flavorful place before.

I've heard of the people of Black Glass having great taste. Oh, you could say that much and you'd be right. And a little bit of a sweet teeth. Oh, this one. And the wife like pats her husband's shoulders. He just loves the sweet. He's like, it's true. I do. He's getting no teeth. I can't eat much of anything else. To be honest, I lost all these in a in a tetherball league. Whoa. Yeah, I played tetherball for like eight or nine years and I'm lucky to be walking, man. I think I know what you need.

Some wine gums, a little chewy, a little make you a little take away. I'm going to pain pain. What? What the candies do what? I mean, they take away your pain pain, honey. I think this child is selling drugs. It's candy. Yeah, but it has a narcotic effect of some kind. No, no, no, no. It just simulates a narcotic daughter grabs her mom's like like mom. Is this a drug deal? He takes off his chocolate hat and starts. To do. To do. I'm doing like a really awful soft shoe. You trying to make a sale?

Yeah, I definitely want to get them to buy some of these. How are you going to do that? God, wine gums. How do I? I mean, you like to relax. It looks like you've got a lot of troubles, family troubles on your hands. Yeah, but we don't like to relax with illicit substances. What's illicit? You can buy these at any dime store corner town. I've never seen not in our corner town. I could tell you that, but I'm not going to do much. Yeah, we live in a neighborhood. It's mostly brunch places.

Okay, you know what I'm going to give you a free sample. You got to also you got to roll something command. You know what you take this take it take it. So you get one. Okay, try it. Try it. Try it. Try it. Okay, as a one, I should have thought of the position before do we think that was a risky or desperate because this seems like a dicey situation telling somebody to eat a candy is pretty stupid desperate. Yeah, I think it's desperate. So you get why did we leave Franklin?

He's a terrible system. He's the worst salesman of all of us, but clover wanted to. Do the thing. Yeah, and Fenton really worked himself up for almost no reason and then bolted. This was my dream. So yeah, exactly. So whoa kid, don't yell at my wife and slash children and also me. I don't appreciate it. If you wanted to resist the consequences of this, I'll take a little stress. You take three stress. Oh big boy stress. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, you better explain yourself young man.

I am a well respected minor league sports aficionado where I am from. So you just know about sports? No, I play it as occasionally. Okay, I played one game. I got hit right in the mouth and I retired. I would like to talk to your manager. Get your manager. Oh, yes. Sorry. I'm having a bad day and then I'll go get then. Yeah, I guess I'm running back anyway. Oh, because you learned about the L. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. I got myself in a pickle. I freaked out at a family of weirdos.

What I tried to sell drugs to squares. I'm better reading people. We have got to stop selling drugs. It is not worth me. I can sell weapons. That's it. I look over. She's average height, lank blonde hair, very upset expression. One of those sleeveless kind of silk blouses with the frillies at the top, tasteful culottes, some flats. The dad is wearing a polo shirt. It is red. His pants are shorts. His shoes are new balance. But all of that, the fantasy equipment.

And they've got two crappy little kids. What the fuck happened? I don't know how to sell things. I keep trying to make people buy them. Okay, okay. I got a plan. We're going to have to bring Mr. Gilbert out of retirement. Cut to Clover in the tent. And the guy's like, so what do the cards say? Well, it will cost you an extra coin. It takes a lot of energy and concentration to read these cards. Okay, I'll pay. An extra coin? An extra coin. Okay. Let me call upon the spirits.

I'm going to lay out some cards. Do I need to do anything? No. Actually, if you close your eyes and you hope for the outcome, you think about your life, your past, present, and future. And I will lay out the cards one by one. Yeah, what's your goal here? I'm trying to give him an answer that he'll be happy with. I'm going to try to gather info from him. That would be 2d6 minus take the lowest. Three? Three. Is that a failure? Yeah, unless you want to take a stress. I'll take a stress. Yeah.

So I think you can get some base level stuff. And with your eyes closed, describe your past. What brought you here to me? Well, I'm in love. With a woman. Yes. Yes. The cards tell me so. And she is of great beauty, is she not? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Tell me her name. The spirits will need to call upon her. Okay. Vera. I do like some, like, hand movements over the cards. Call upon the power of the queen to have Vera open her heart. To… Blarth. Blarth. Blarth, I see you are a passionate man. I am.

Tell me about your present. The situation. Oh, it's not good. I work part-time at Poofs. And I'm in love with Vera. She's a dishwasher. And I thought we had a fun time. But she's dating this guy. Okay. And he's a fucking… Fucking Barbo. And he is just dumb as a brick. I don't even think he can read. Not that that's a big deal in our world. In society, a lot of people can't read. But I am so smart. I see that. And the cards see that. The cards tell you to use your wits.

This seems like an attune. Okay. To kind of do the fortune teller thing. And I'm going to go with… Six. Yes! Nice. Bang, bang, boom. So, yeah, you're going to be able to… Fucking cold read the shit out of this bitch. Because of the Barbo information, which I literally came up with as I was saying it. No, that's great. Clover's got an in. What's a reasonable amount of money to get out of one person? This guy's in fucking love. Yeah. Three coin. Three coin is not crazy. $150?

That's like a bouquet of two dozen roses. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you can get 10 coin out of this guy. No fucking way. 50. Five. Five. Sorry, five coin. Maybe five is the upper limit. Because I will say, he said he works at Poofs. He probably lives in the mall. He's not flush with hard currency. He's probably got some coins saved up. He does. Because he's a reader. Oh, but you got it. Yeah, you got a six. Let's agree on a number of coins that is fair. I think five is the max.

Everyone say it at the same time. One, two, three. Five. Five or more. Yeah. Five or more. Okay. Five, five, five. You're right. You're right. All right. So he's got his eyes closed. Okay. Blarth, I know that you're a smart man and you use your words wisely. And I feel that you can use this to your advantage. I'm going to need another sacrifice if I'm going to give you more information. He opens his eyes. Sacrifice? It will cost another coin. This is what the spirits are telling me.

Another spear box? They need gold. It must be pure. The spirits need gold? Yes. I'm going to count them out while we're doing it. So you've already got two. Yeah. So this will be the third. All right. Okay. It's worth it. It's worth it. Clink. Three. And I place the gold coin on the present, on the card of present. He's a large man, is he not? I guess. He's strong. I see red hair. Short. Short. Pushed back. What? You see all that? I do. Yeah. The spirits tell me so.

He kind of opens his eyes and looks around the tent like. Your eyes must be closed. Okay. I know his weakness. And you are right. He does not read. Do it. I can move towards the future if you wish. I do. I do. It will cost you another, again, another sacrifice. Another sacrifice, huh? Yeah. But it will ensure that Vera will return your love. Really? If the gods will it. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. Yeah. And he gives you another gold coin. And I place that on the future card.

Four fucking coins. Wow. And I close my eyes and I hold my hands out. Place your palms within my palms. And I immediately regret that because I'm so sweaty. So this is what you must do. You must write the greatest love poem that has ever been written. And you must give it to Vera. All right. I can do that. I'll sway her with my heart, with my soul. Yeah. And the other thing you must do is you must confront this man. What? What? Why? What do you mean? What do you mean?

Because Vera is a woman who loves not only the inner strength, but the outer strength. Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh-oh. This is what the cards tell me. Oh, no. I wish the cards didn't tell you that. So what, I have to go fight him? Not necessarily. Vera just must see you overpower him in some way. What? Every strong man has an Achilles heel. Every Achilles has a heel. Wow. All right. My mind's eye is wandering, and I see Borbo. He lays in repose in the darkest corner of the mall.

The spirits tell me that you are to bring Vera on a walk. Invite her out. And along the way, you will find Borbo in repose in front of the sugar shop. Do you know where that is? I do. All right. That's that gross part of the mall that only the poor people live in. Yes. Yes. Spirits are trying to tell me something else, but I don't know what. Is it how I can defeat Borbo? I think it is. They might need more. One more? Yes. All right. This is the only way. Okay. Here you go. Clank.

I put it on the card. And I… And I… I pretend to be like… Like thrown back by the power of the cards. Yeah. Odomay Brown. I know his Achilles heel. What is it? When Borbo lays in repose, he is exposed. And when his eyes are closed, you just slap him in the balls. His balls? And his face. And his face. Balls and face. At the same time? If you can. Wow. Those are his greatest weaknesses. Okay. All right. And in that show of strength, Vera will see you for the man you really are.

Strong in mind and of body. Okay. All right. I can do this. I can do this. I can slap his balls. No problem. And then Vera will love me, I guess. Thank you. What's your name? What is it? Greta. Greta. Thank you so much, Greta. You're welcome. Your gift has been a… A gift. I'm covering my face again. Yeah. You are not to look upon me again. I wouldn't. I couldn't. Oh, thank you so much, Greta. And he rushes out of the tent. There's glitter fucking everywhere. And I am so sweaty.

And their inside smells like farts at this point. There's no ventilation. We cut back to the front counter with Mr. Gilbert. I come out of the tent. I'm like… Now look, buddy. Your kid, wherever he went, tried to sell me and my wife and my child drugs. And I am irate right now. And you got a dirty little kid coming out of a tent covered in glitter. It smells like garbage. Excuse me. Who do you think you're speaking? Wait, sorry. Are you like a halfling or something? Yes. I am so…

I'm so sorry. I don't want… Look, I'm not… Classic halfling hater. No, no, come on. Is this discrimination? No. No. I am the proprietress of this market location. Look, hey. No, I… Look, I don't hate halflings. I voted for the halfling representative in my district. Really? Two years in a row. Because it looks like you showed me disrespect. And you are showing my employees disrespect. I thought he was the manager. And he pointed… No. He pointed Fenn on top of Franklin's shoulders.

We're in the Mr. Gilbert configuration right now. Not Toblerone Joe. Yeah, Mr. Gilbert. What's the difference between them again? Toblerone Jones has boxing gloves. And a headband. Oh, Mr. Gilbert. And Mr. Gilbert, I found a fedora for him. Oh my God. And fucking Fenton is obsessed with it now. This is the manager, but I am the owner. Oh. All right. Well, I am irate. I would like that addressed. Yeah, we would like that addressed. We're both irate. Should I deal with this or do you want to?

I think we can deal with it. Yeah. Like, we come at… I clearly cannot. It's like, I'm like, shut the fuck up. I'm like, okay, okay, fine. Look. Look. I, as an adult man, understand that a mistake was perpetrated here by the boy who was working here. He's a troubled youth that we employ, okay? So, we're trying to… We're married. He's coming over the… It's like me and the halfling are married. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. We're… We try…

We adopted a troubled youth, and we tried to employ him at our candy stand slash… Fortune telling booth? Fortune telling booth. We understand how hard your lives are, and I put… I try and lean forward to touch both of their shoulders, but I… I have to catch you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And pull me back a bit. I'm like, okay. Franklin's, like, straining under… Oops. Yeah, and I'm like, I understand how hard it is to be a parent. As a parent, we're parents. We understand.

It's fucking impossible, and I'm a black ass, too. Just frowns. Look. Look. I get it. You've said look a lot. Is there a point here? Yeah, it draws it out a little bit more so I can think. Like, I'm killing time. But it's hard to be parents, and the only thing that really gets us through it is these. And I hold up a bag of wine gums, and I'm like, it's usually 10 coins a bag, but I understand how hard it is for you right now. You got a long cart ride back to Black Glass with these little shits.

Well, you better believe it. I'm willing to give it to you for five. What are you rolling? Sway. This is risky. Yeah. But it would be great effect, because obviously five is what they cost. Yeah. They cost one. Yeah. I guess I lied to him and then discounted to five times. To five times how much it actually. Yeah. He's kind of loopy from how angry he was, so the numbers are all fucked up at his head. Coming down off being that mad. Yeah. Yeah. Six. Oh. Yes! Fuck. Yeah! Fuck! He spends yelling.

And the guy is like steaming, still steaming. Face is red. Classic red guy. Just a… Just a… He's got old sunglasses on the back of his head. Old, thick, white man with a sunburned face. And the wife is like, honey, come on. They're just parents of indeterminate age. They're trying their best. You know what it was like when we were of an indeterminate age. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's true. Alright, what was it, five coins?

Yeah and this will that's that's half up by the way because I understand how hard it is to be parent it's fucking hard yeah saving for college all that stuff yeah a lot of god the trade schools in black glass are unbelievable and so we've heard yeah we can sympathize well this little shit wants to go to the steam workers academy can you believe that yeah yeah we can't we can't make you pay 10 coins five coins all right five coins it is and you know what pop one of these in your mouth when you're getting in the carriage on the way that ride is going to be as smooth as you've ever you know as smooth as a baby's shit wow that's pretty smooth I guess they're loose as hell down there yeah I yup okay sure anyway here's your coins clank thank you here's your wine gums and the wife takes them right away yeah starts popping them in her mouth honey please it's coming rose and they walk away I as they're walking away I'm like from one adult man to another I offer my respect to you and I will bow now what are you doing stop it bow as they're walking away you're bowing before right before they walk away okay do I have to roll for that no that's dumb it's a it's a funny image but I'm not gonna get you guys to roll a bunch of stuff in the toblerone or no mr gilbert who is a very tall man in a trench coat bows from where the knees would be I imagine the dad has already walked away yeah he's leaving franklin's like was that was that worth it did they see was it cool yeah fenton tumbles off the top now you guys have 10 coins how bad oh shit we're almost there yeah I got five I got five spear bucks 10 coins five spear bucks that's pretty good I'm gonna go with the spear bucks that's a great day guys I was over at the fudgy goes what's their name the fudgies I was over at the fudgies and they're making money hand over fist there's no fucking way we're gonna win with just 10 coins if they are still selling like they're gonna get 20 or more probably by the end of the day damn it I think we're gonna have to pull some cold treat kids shenanigans if we wanna even have a hope of winning this I'm down for some shenanigans I'm down so how are you going about sabotaging the fudgies we gotta talk to the elves yeah who has got a tune me yes yeah you got that special relationship with the elves because you're you know whatever this is he just he just gestures broadly you know because of because of all of this right I'm comfortable I wear my robe I think that would help yes okay yeah yeah okay leaving our stuff um the nice lady's watching it for us oh you linda is like oh no problem I'll keep an eye don't worry thanks you linda I'll throw you some wine gummies at the end oh clover you just know I know they're your favorite you just know I do dwat's like joe's you're just like they get you fucked up what these candies they get you fucked up a little bit I get bit by a lot of snakes I'm trying to dull out pain oh well if you're not a fan of the fudgy you're not a fan of the fudgy you're not a fan of the fudgy you want to keep a double eye on our and on my tent and stuff well I only got the one the other one's made out of glass okay well can you keep your good eye on our tent you know a little lady okay and I'll throw you some of those forget me pops all right and he does a very elaborate hat tipping motion he is not wearing a hat okay I do it back all of us do it back he does he does a very he brings his hand up in a very elaborate hat tipping motion and there's a snake hanging from his arm oh son of a bitch you tip your hat to dwat and you walk into big market the camera pans up over the raucous aisles of booths you see in the distance a stage with a tiny little man surrounded by a very average looking family playing to a crowd of elated people you see a little boy covered in a bubble gum net sprinting down a booth being chased by mall security was it the kid who bought the thing who can say he's activated and you see a world of possibilities and we will pick this up next time with part two of the big market job uh thanks for joining us this time everybody for spelt more Mall Brats I've been your game master Sean O'Hara playing clover ivy fern the whisper jessica tie good night everyone playing franklin stein the cutter Paul Oppers take care and playing fenton beasley the slide abdulaziz so long this show would be a pleasure to watch and I'll see you next time on the big market job literally not be possible we're not for the amazing support of all of our patreon supporters thank you like just genuinely thank you what an incredible gift you have given us yeah and in return except this incredible gift of Mall Brats yeah this one this one in terms of character voices got pretty out of hand that's good but I had a great time world of blades is an rpg by duam figueroa based on Blades in the Dark by John Harper you can find Blades in the Dark basically anywhere you buy rpgs and you can find world of blades by googling world of blades and going through a few links to find the old version that's archived on I think rpg world or maybe contact duam figueroa on twitter or Sean O'Hara or Sean O'Hara and I'll point you in the direction of duam figueroa we'll see you next time and so ends the tale of the cool treat kid always up to no good so tiny and greedy and angsty they be as they navigate crime and puberty and though our journey may be like a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to the chocolate store as the cool treat kids plan their next score and for you I'll gladly spout more oh this one starts with like getting up in the morning oh yeah like you're all gathering your shit getting ready to go getting up in the sugar shack and we are preparing for big market we've been waiting for you for this day for so long and girls we gotta make twenty yeah boys we gotta make gold gonna make gold gold this is gold turn it to you gonna make the phone rings and I'm gonna take on a bunch of new customers for big market where we have a illegal stand oh shit by the snacks or or b b snacks That's what they're telling people When they're marketing We just want some money We're the cool treat kids We're by the snakes You've gone past the snakes You've gone too far We're by the snakes Oh girls We're by the snakes If you are at the fudgie's booth You've gone too far Come to our stand What is this?

It's just a block of wood Is it a xylophone? It's pretty good with that block of wood Wow Wait listen to this How do I do this with wood? Dan Wow Whoa A beautiful girl in Seamus Doesn't see me at all It sucks I'm standing here looking like a fucking snack And Seamus you never talk back To me when I call you How? How are you so good at this?

I am not You are Follow your instincts I'm gonna write in my diary About my horrible day When you threw a hot dog At my face Hot dog Hot dog in my face We're all singing different choruses I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna Hot dog I just wanna Hot dog I just wanna I just wanna I just wanna Corn dog I just wanna Hi I'm Simon I'm G And I'm Boof Have you heard about Pickaxe's hit new old movie podcast?

Yomp We each have a list of six films we want to share Every week We roll a dice to randomly pick which one we watch and discuss MC Bunkerwelt says This trio is perfect for a movie podcast G is the casual that has the mainstream movies Simon is the nerd that is bringing the gems And Boof is the salad goblin that scrapes the bottom of the diaper Messiah Jones says Such a fan of this podcast I love the variety and all three have pretty good chemistry G is far too confident in her own intelligence sometimes And Simon can be a real curmudgeon But the three work together well enough to keep the flow And make a good product Serenity indeed says Love this podcast so far But the audio is all over the place Goes from quiet at the start of a sentence to loud in the middle Every time somebody stops talking for even half a second Their audio goes quiet and has to ramp up again It's very distracting Edit This audio issue was with my laptop Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms Find Yomp on all your favourite podcast platforms